Has anyone here ever adopted a sibling group?

[DawnM]

I am looking at some sibling groups that need homes.  

 

I have thought that we may look into something when our kids are older, but curious what your experiences have been.

 

 

[anmom]

Yes. I adopted a sibling set of 2. They were 5 and 8 at the time. I'd be happy to chat via pm if you have specific questions.

[Ottakee]

We adopted 2 siblings. We have also fostered sibling groups of 2-4 children.

[Suzanne in ABQ]

Not me, but my brother and his wife adopted a set of 3.  The fostered first, and the oldest two came together (at 2 months and 14 months), but meth-mom quickly got pregnant with third, and they took him as well.  They ended up adopting all three.  They're all one year apart, currently 6, 7, and 8.

 

 

[Melissa in Australia]

Not adoption, but permanent care which is very close to adoption. Twins currently age 6 we got placed with them at age 3 1/2 . We have had their full biological brother (8) for 13 weeks. The additional sibling is not working at all atm. They have been separated for over 5 years in different foster homes ( twins have always been together) They have had very different life experiences and do not seem to have any relationship. I am in a very negative space at the moment.

 

 

 

I think it may be easier to cope if the sibling group are young, and had been togetherwith some form of connection and bond.

Edited March 13, 2017 by Melissa in Australia

[Ottakee]

Very good point Melissa. I strongly believe in siblings staying together....But there are certain circumstances where it is not best for the kids.

 

Our son is #7 of 8 and for many reasons was placed with us by himself. He has a relationship with all of his siblings but it would not have been good for them all to be in the same home when younger.

[DawnM]

Thanks guys.

 

I don't know what questions I have yet, and we may not even do it.  I saw two sibling groups available for adoption.  One was a set of 4 girls, the other 5 kids, ages 2-11 (3 boys, 2 girls.)

 

 

[mommyoffive]

Thanks guys.

 

I don't know what questions I have yet, and we may not even do it.  I saw two sibling groups available for adoption.  One was a set of 4 girls, the other 5 kids, ages 2-11 (3 boys, 2 girls.)

 

That is a lot of kids.

 

How were you able to see these kids up for adoption?  This is something we think we might do in the future. 

[Mimm]

My parents did, three times. It was horrible. PM me if you want more details.

[Janie Grace]

Thanks guys.

 

I don't know what questions I have yet, and we may not even do it.  I saw two sibling groups available for adoption.  One was a set of 4 girls, the other 5 kids, ages 2-11 (3 boys, 2 girls.)

 

I think I saw that second set on Facebook. Their photo and description is spreading like wildfire. 

[Ottakee]

Generally you can see kids waiting for a family by googling "waiting children in" and add your state.

 

Having a great support system is a must but the need is so great.

[Hilltopmom]

Just so you know also, a lot of "waiting kids" online are not actually available for adoption, or no one ever gets back to you, or have huge needs which is why they are being "listed" online & not being adopted by their local Foster families.

 

(Not that kids with huge needs don't deserve homes, we adopted a medically fragile, severly disabled, child. but it's very difficult & many communities do not have the medical or mental health services needed to serve kids with severe health or behavioral needs).

 

As far as adopting waiting kids online- Many people send out inquiries on hundreds of kids before getting a return call about adopting any of them.

It's very difficult to adopt from a different state.

 

The "easiest" way to adopt siblings is to foster first.

 

That said, we have adopted 3 times from foster care,all babies we fostered first as newborns or infants. 2 are siblings, both came as newborns directly from the hospital & we were contacted when younger one was born since we had just finalized his sisters adoption.

 

I highly recommend fostering, there's a huge, huge need in most places. For children who can't end up returning home, most are adopted by their current Foster families.

Edited March 13, 2017 by Hilltopmom

[scrapbookbuzz]

Thanks guys.

 

I don't know what questions I have yet, and we may not even do it.  I saw two sibling groups available for adoption.  One was a set of 4 girls, the other 5 kids, ages 2-11 (3 boys, 2 girls.)

I saw an article about that groups of 5, as well. We don't even have room for more than the 4 of us, currently, but boy, did that make me think about seriously consider it! 

[maize]

I have to say the stories of RAD and other issues with foster and adoptive kids I have heard over the years (many on this board) would make me consider very, very carefully my family's resources and needs before adopting. It is sad because every child should have a home but we have to be realistic about what we as individuals and as families can and cannot offer. There is no way my family could take in a high needs, RAD prone kid and provide them with a good home without destroying ourselves; not at least at this point in life. The children already in my home are going to have to be my first priority, no matter how much my heart bleeds for others.

Edited March 13, 2017 by maize

[Anne in CA]

I had an employee last year who had been a foster mom for years and adopted 5 of her foster children as they became available for adoption and one of her adopted children was RAD (the oldest) and this child ran away at the age of 16 and caused her a terrible amount of heartache. She was a lovely woman. Everyone adored her. 

[Scarlett]

My mom just sent me a pic of my first cousins grandson who is now 3 months old and still in the hospital being weaned off drugs in his system at birth.

 

I am too old for that. My contribution is helping pregnant boardies come up with baby names. :/. ;)

 

I would take a close relative though. I have never met this first cousin or any of her family. I do pray my boys all take care of their own children and not put us in the position of having to step in.

[Ottakee]

Hilltopmom is right in that the "waiting children" programs can be very difficult to work with. These kids need homes and some wait years and years largely due to the "system" which sadly causes more and more issues over time.

 

Our son was headed for that program but the workers called us to consider him the week before he would have to be listed as a waiting child. He has a cognitive impairment, fetal alcohol, and will never live on his own but was basically a breeze to parent.

 

In Michigan you must have a foster license to adopt waiting children so if anyone if interested, getting your foster license is step one.

[Hilltopmom]

I have to say the stories of RAD and other issues with foster and adoptive kids I have heard over the years (many on this board) would make me consider very, very carefully my family's resources and needs before adopting. It is sad because every child should have a home but we have to be realistic about what we as individuals and as families can and cannot offer. There is no way my family could take in a high needs, RAD prone kid and provide them with a good home without destroying ourselves; not at least at this point in life. The children already in my home are going to have to be my first priority, no matter how much my heart bleeds for others.

However, there are no guarantees with our own bio kids either.

Mental illness & other issues can read their heads anywhere.

 

But yeah, families should be prepared, know their limits, & know what access to supports are in their communities before even considering fostering or adopting.

[Melissa in Australia]

However, there are no guarantees with our own bio kids either.

Mental illness & other issues can read their heads anywhere.

 

But yeah, families should be prepared, know their limits, & know what access to supports are in their communities before even considering fostering or adopting.

You are right, but statistics show that one in three children in out of home care in both your country and mine end up in youth detention centres before they are 18 and in prison after they are 18. That is way higher than own bio kids.

[JonesinIndiana]

Adopting a sibling group has its own set of challenges, but depending on the level of trauma they are coming from can be overwhelming for a family. Please read about RAD, attachment issues, and developmental trauma (PTSD in children), and hopefully the information you receive about their history will be accurate. You might also look into therapies with a TRAUMA TRAINED ATTACHMENT THERAPIST before you commit.

[DawnM]

I honestly wasn't looking at actually adopting these 4 or these 5, but it has gotten me thinking.

 

We adopted an almost 3 year old in 2007.

[DawnM]

I have a dear friend, a homeschooling mom, who took in 7 siblings, all ages 10 and under.  She and her husband fostered them for a full year, then put in for adoption and kept them for another 11 months.  Then the Grandma swooped in during the 11th hour and said, "Oh, I will now take them."

 

It was heartbreaking for her.  She poured her heart and soul into them for 2 years and became very attached.

 

She will never foster again.

 

 

[Amy in NH]

I had an employee last year who had been a foster mom for years and adopted 5 of her foster children as they became available for adoption and one of her adopted children was RAD (the oldest) and this child ran away at the age of 16 and caused her a terrible amount of heartache. She was a lovely woman. Everyone adored her.

I know a family in a very similar situation who is going through a similar traumatic experience currently. I am sad for her.

[RioSamba]

My friend adopted her grand-baby and his two older half siblings. The mama died from a heroin overdose within a few months of the birth, and the father (my friend's son) got clean and into the military, but he realized that he could not parent. So at 55, and having just launched her autistic son, she took all three children. I think that the older two were two and three at the time. There were behavior and health issues, but fortunately nothing irreversible. One of the half siblings' paternal grandmothers periodically tried to interfere with the adoption. She had major issues, and they were in a good court system, so she didn't have a chance at stopping the adoption. She was able to drag it out, make it more expensive, and sadly, make it emotionally harder on the sibling.

 

Friend's DH is not a hands on dad. It hasn't been easy, but it has turned out well (it's been close to ten years). The early years years were filled with medical, mental health, and legal appointments on top of all of the normal toddler-preschool-baby stuff. During the first few years they needed to live out of state away from family due to her DH's job. They had a supportive church, but money was tight, she also had an aging parent, and it was tough.

 

A few years ago they were able to move to their home state where they have a big, close family. Friend is much happier in her personal life now, but is thankful that she was here for the adoption and first years. Better court system, better support services, better economy.

 

All of the children had some homeschooling, but now go to PS. They are happy and healthy. The journey has been exhausting, and not the life my friend imagined. She didn't know that things would get to such a good place when she took all the children, she just knew that she couldn't do anything else but take them, and she was willing to accept the uncertainty. She knew they needed a lot of help and intervention and she made sure they got it.

 

Friend and all of her family accepted all three children from the very beginning and never made any distinction about who was bio and who wasn't.

[DawnM]

I had an employee last year who had been a foster mom for years and adopted 5 of her foster children as they became available for adoption and one of her adopted children was RAD (the oldest) and this child ran away at the age of 16 and caused her a terrible amount of heartache. She was a lovely woman. Everyone adored her. 

 

Now that you mention it, I have another friend from my childhood who adopted 2 crack babies, twins.

 

One has been in and out of prison.  The other has been on and off of drugs.

 

It is all so heartbreaking.  

[Carrie12345]

I've always wanted to at some point, but my last two surprise kids pushed my assumed timeline WAY off.  I won't/wouldn't do it with bio kids anywhere near the same age ranges.  With a singleton, the issue of mixing might not be as pronounced (I know that's highly debatable) but I wouldn't want to create "teams", so to speak.  

 

Having recently had two little ones in our home for a good deal of time (both younger than mine), with 4 of mine at home and my oldest still needing a lot of parental involvement, I've decided I can't even be a designated emergency custodian at this stage of our lives.  Maybe when all of my teenagers are at least semi-launched, but not now.

 

I was also pondering my age the other day.  Maybe because Hoda was on a magazine cover in the check out line.  I could see myself doing teen placements in my 50s.  I actually know a family that has adopted a sibling group of elementary kids in their 60s, with their grown bio-kids agreeing to care for them if they should pass or become incapacitated, but I don't envision that being a thing for our family.

[SKL]

I have not.  I would just agree with the others that adopting any non-infant, and certainly adopting more than one at a time, is not for the faint of heart.  The adults involved need to carefully evaluate their own readiness to deal with a lot of surprises, grief, frustration, and plain hard work.  Also, I would not consider this unless I lived in an area where there are good, accessible mental health resources for kids - and I would get myself familiar with said resources before any kids "came home."  Finally, other kids in the home WILL be affected by new arrivals.  That is a 100% certainty, so consider how much is fair for your existing kids to deal with.  Your kids' ages, personalities, and individual needs will determine that.

 

I do think the dynamics of adopting siblings [who have always been together] may be somewhat better than adopting multiple non-siblings of a similar age.  But, they will have different issues, such as some kids feeling too responsible for the others etc.

 

I wish those sibling groups well - that they find families that can take them and keep them and help them grow into successful adults.  What I would not wish for them is that families take them in out of compassion and find they can't handle them.  Each new disruption just makes things worse for them.  I know it's really unavoidable sometimes, and I feel for all involved.  But for myself, I would say "no" up front, because there are some things that could be too hard for me and my kids.

[jewellsmommy]

However, there are no guarantees with our own bio kids either.

Mental illness & other issues can read their heads anywhere.

 

But yeah, families should be prepared, know their limits, & know what access to supports are in their communities before even considering fostering or adopting.

 

 

You are absolutely correct, but RAD is in its own category. It is a unique cross of personality disorder and behavioral disorder, and RAD is often in addition to other conditions. It's so easy to say, "eh, whatever comes we will deal with it." But you better make sure that every person in the household (plus any heavily involved extended family) is prepared for an all-in commitment, including any other children in the house because it will effect them drastically too. And know that however bad you can imagine it is, it is likely even worse. 

 

 

 

 

ETA: I didn't mean to be such a downer. RAD is certainly not guaranteed. I just wish that the system was better structured to allow those of us who want to be a family for abandoned children to be able to do so with consistent support, access to resources, and honest communication. Instead you feel lied to and thrown to the wolves. I do believe that all children deserve caring adults to parent them. The system is broken. 

Edited March 14, 2017 by jewellsmommy

[Melissa in Australia]

You are absolutely correct, but RAD is in its own category. It is a unique cross of personality disorder and behavioral disorder, and RAD is often in addition to other conditions. It's so easy to say, "eh, whatever comes we will deal with it." But you better make sure that every person in the household (plus any heavily involved extended family) is prepared for an all-in commitment, including any other children in the house because it will effect them drastically too. And know that however bad you can imagine it is, it is likely even worse. 

 

 

 

 

ETA: I didn't mean to be such a downer. RAD is certainly not guaranteed. I just wish that the system was better structured to allow those of us who want to be a family for abandoned children to be able to do so with consistent support, access to resources, and honest communication. Instead you feel lied to and thrown to the wolves. I do believe that all children deserve caring adults to parent them. The system is broken. 

so  so true

 

we are living that nightmare right now. 

[Katy]

I suggest you read everything you can on foster parenting, adopting hurting children, and attachment disorders. RAD is rare, and if you know the signs you'd certainly know about it before you adopted, but most kids in care are going to have some sort of attachment disorder, and a lot of behaviors related to grief and their pain.  I personally think sibling groups are better, but it's not exactly like parenting a bio kid.  It's more like step parenting, because even if you have custody there will always be other family that they will love and that will have influence on their lives, and things about the children you will never know, even if you wish there weren't and think the bio parents are terrible people.  You have to be able to not judge the parents, because kids have an automatic loyalty to their birth families.

 

If you feel like RAD or the possibility of it are too much for you, you can foster to adopt younger children and sibling groups.  They will likely still have some attachment issues, and attachment affects every aspect of human development, so you can also expect some other delays.  If after reading a couple of books on the topic you're still feeling interested or called to do it, sign up for foster care classes.  That is the first step in most states.

 

ETA:  I used to recommend Foster Parenting Podcast, though I think they took a lot of their content down as the children have grown up. They probably shared too much information about the when they were little.  I haven't listened to the newer ones, but I did stumble on some foster parent families on YouTube the other day that I liked.

Edited March 14, 2017 by Katy

[SKL]

I would just note that younger adoptees can have RAD too.  I have seen kids adopted as young as 6 months end up diagnosed with RAD.  I agree it is quite rare.  But just know that it is a possibility.  (Actually, I'm told that even bio kids can have RAD, but I have never heard of it in real life.)

[maize]

I would just note that younger adoptees can have RAD too. I have seen kids adopted as young as 6 months end up diagnosed with RAD. I agree it is quite rare. But just know that it is a possibility. (Actually, I'm told that even bio kids can have RAD, but I have never heard of it in real life.)

I rather suspect that the same symptoms and behaviors are less likely to get a RAD diagnosis in bio kids because it isn't expected; mental health diagnoses are so subjective and overlap so much that it is almost impossible to not see primarily what you are looking for, at least to some extent.

 

I doubt it is as common in bio kids, especially if they are in moderately healthy relationship environments, but I wouldn't be surprised if it is more common than recognized.

 

Kids in the foster care system and/or adoption systems with difficult backgrounds commonly have so many strikes against them though. Neglect, abuse, lack of attachment, often prenatal alcohol and drug exposure, family history of mental health difficulties (which may be responsible for much of the above). It is actually kind of amazing that any of them make it through relatively intact.

 

I greatly admire the adults who pour their lives and hearts into helping these kids, I just know that it is not within my family's capacity at this time.

 

And I wish we had much, much better supports and help in place to maybe prevent some of the trauma from happening in the first place. We can never undo trauma in a child's life. I wonder how much good could be done if we had really good social, financial, and medical safety nets, if new parents could feel supported and secure and less stressed and could receive parenting instruction and support and respite care as needed? If, as an overall society, we really valued children and worked collectively for their welfare rather than expecting parents to shoulder the entire burden and work it out for themselves with minimal support, only swooping in to "rescue" the already traumatized children when it becomes obvious the parents have crashed and burned?

 

I know we can't create a perfect environment for every child, but I really think we have the resources and capacity to do better than we do--IF we would make that a priority.