Christmas makes me sad JAWM thread

[cintinative]

I haven't seen one of these threads yet.

 

I love the idea of Christmas. I love what Christmas stands for as a Christian.  But every year, without fail, I get sad.  

 

This is what comes of having a mom who has been on prescription painkillers for 20 plus years and has long since stopped being a mom. Plus all the baggage that goes along with this in relating to my dad as the caregiver.  My family has never been "normal" and my relationship with my mom is a subject for therapy (which is ongoing, btw).

 

I don't get excited about decorating, and it frustrates dh because he likes it, and is not well right now. I just don't enjoy it anymore. My heart isn't there.

 

This is what comes of having in-laws that are at best disappointing. (They didn't even email us when my husband got diagnosed with cancer a week ago, but did send an email about the Christmas exchange when he was in the hospital having the tumor removed).  We don't hear from them other than his mom more than a few times a year. They never call. The kids who are teens and up don't acknowledge anything we send them, and they live 20 hours away so we have no idea if they got it or not.  I don't even understand why we keep doing an exchange. I feel like I do it out of obligation.  I am sad for dh as has to deal with my attitude.  I am sure his family's lack of concern for him has to be disappointing.  His mom's continued weekly questions about us coming out (a 20 hour drive) for Christmas makes me want to take the phone and tell her off.  He just had major surgery. 

 

Especially this year with all the health issues my husband and I have had (we were both diagnosed with an autoimmune disease plus he just got the cancer diagnosis), I am just weary and want support for Christmas. I could care less about presents. 

 

Thanks for letting me whine (not that you had a choice--LOL!) 

[MysteryJen]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:

[Twigs]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[Miss Tick]

Sounds rough, cintinative. Also, we do have a choice, but I chose to stick with you!

[umsami]

:grouphug:

 

I'm sorry for all that you are going through.  Everything in the past plus your husband's recent diagnosis are quite good reasons for being sad.  

 

If you no longer enjoy decorating but your DH likes it, maybe you can do one or two simple things that will brighten up his day but not overwhelm you.  Neighbors of mine got one of those projection lights for outside their home.  It makes it look quite festive and was easy to put up.  It's just on a stake in their yard.

 

I think you can walk away from the gift exchange or choose to include a humorous note such as "Just so we know that this gift wasn't stolen by Bad Elves, please email us at XXXXXX to let us know that you got it.  Bonus points if you actually write some sort of thank you note email! :)"  

 

You shouldn't feel obligated to do anything that you do not want to.  Perhaps make this holiday season about what you would enjoy--even if it's nothing!

 

:grouphug:

Edited December 5, 2016 by umsami

[Anne]

How Awful!! I am so sorry!

 

Just say NO to all the family expectations - no exchanges, no driving, NOTHING!

 

Decide what your family wants to do, and do that - nothing else.

 

Hugs!!

 

Anne

[Spryte]

Big hugs. Your DH was just diagnosed - oh my. I can't imagine all the fear and pain and grief and the myriad of emotions you are experiencing. I hope the surgery went well? That was last week? You must be exhausted! And to have holidays on top of that ... I want to cry for you.

 

You know, it's ok to bow out of the gift exchange and go minimal at home this year.

 

I was extremely ill for several years - bedridden - and we learned some shortcuts, if at some point you need or want ideas to make it special with minimal fuss, I bet many here could brainstorm with you. I offer that only because you mentioned decorating means something to your DH, and that you don't feel up to it.

 

It's okay to be sad. Sometimes we just need to give ourselves permission to feel the sadness.

 

I wish we could come over and bring you cookies and decorate for you. ((Hugs))

[Liz CA]

I am sorry that the holidays bring up memories for you that make you sad. With everything going on in your life right now, you do need support! IRL friends? Church community?

[Carol in Cal.]

Very sorry to hear this.  Hugs to you!

[lllll]

nm

Edited December 21, 2016 by ..Kathy..

[Mimm]

:grouphug: :grouphug:

 

You can take this or leave it of course, but in your position, I wouldn't feel the slightest hesitation or guilt in simply opting out of any part of the holiday that doesn't bring you or your husband joy. Don't want to do gifts for ungrateful people who can't be bothered to tell you they arrived? Then don't! Don't feel like driving 20 hours away after a surgery and a cancer diagnosis? Don't do it. Cut out all the things that are for other people and spend what energy you have making the holiday nice for you and your husband.

 

Wishing you peace and joy this month.

[MinivanMom]

I am so sorry.

 

You can say no. Anything that causes you stress or is dragging you down. Just say no. Do only the things that bring you joy. This is  a great year to make those changes, because you have dh's tumor as an excuse. "I'm sorry, but we just can't do that this year." Repeat as necessary.

 

For what it's worth, the best thing we ever did was drop out of the gift exchange with dh's family. They were angry the first year, but it was worth it to be done with the stress and drama. The three things that always stressed me the most were the gift exchange, shopping, and traveling. So we dropped those three things. We don't do the gift exchange; we just send Christmas cards. I don't go shopping at stores; I shop online before Thanksgiving and have everything shipped to the house. And we don't travel at the holidays. At all. Ever. Christmas is just quiet with our own little family and suddenly I have the energy to do the things I actually do enjoy about the holidays.

[Charlie]

I can agree with you, cintinative, and I'm so sorry you're going through these medical things now. Having dysfunctional families makes it difficult to pretend holidays are the joyous, uplifting times everyone expects it to be, without medical scares. We've got constant messages pumping though our culture reminding us this is a time for family, gratitude, joyful reunions, and frankly, that's just not the case for a great many people. Good people, even. Still, we can't escape the social message that pulses under the surface, like some infected hangnail: FEEL JOY! FEEL JOY! FEEL JOY!

 

Not always, and not for everyone, and it's not quite that bad for me, but for many I know it is. It's lonely, it's full of sad reminders, it brings up painful memories best forgotten. But we can't leave the house (or sometimes live in it!) without being encouraged to smile and be joyful. Okaaaay.

 

Anyway, what we've done over the last many years is tone down the Christmas holiday. Now when we buy gifts, we exchange them when we get them. The big-ticket items that come around Christmas time are official Christmas presents. Ds is getting a nice new thing. Rather than wait for Dec 25, an arbitrary day set many centuries ago, he ordered it last night. When it comes, that's his gift. Dh upgraded his gaming stuff and we've been playing games. That's our Christmas gift. Why wait for a month unless it's just to increase the anticipation? That's not fun here, it's stressful. So we don't do that. While we'll have a few things to exchange on Christmas day, we really keep it toned down and it's a day for the family to hang out in our pjs and just bask in comfort.

 

I wish we had done this years ago. It takes so much pressure off being HAPPY and JOYFUL that *one* day of the year you are expected to feel so.

 

Anyway, I don't know if that helps you or not. I can commiserate with you, and encourage you to reject any messages to manipulate you into feeling guilty if you don't feel JOYFUL, even when those messages are your own. Hard habits to break, I know. I hope they can be broken for you.

 

Happy Festivus.  ;-)

[cintinative]

Thanks everyone. I do have some support.  As probably many of you have experienced, there are some people who can relate to suffering and show compassion. Then there are those that know, but say nothing to you, as if not talking about it means it will go away.  Overall also this is a very busy season for a lot of people. 

 

We are fortunate in that the doctor possibly got all the cancer. However, it is still really hard to understand family members who don't even acknowledge any of it.

 

We are not driving 20 hours, in case anyone is worried. There is no way. We have next to no vacation time left anyway due to endless doctor appointments and tests.  We have said no multiple times.  

 

Thanks for letting me vent.  The expectations of the season do make it hard sometimes.  

Edited December 5, 2016 by cintinative

[fraidycat]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

I hope you are able to make the holiday what YOU want it to be. Even if it's just like any other regular day. You and DH get to choose for your family how much or little you want to celebrate.

 

Just say no to all the rest of the noise and static getting in the way. Especially when you're dealing with so much extra this year with the medical stuff.

[Selkie]

I'm so sorry for what you're going through, and I hope your DH is back to good health soon.  

 

DH and I both have crappy, dysfunctional families and addict parents, so I completely get what you mean about wishing for a normal, supportive family.  It's impossible not to feel down about it sometimes, but I try to focus my energy on creating a strong family for my own kids.  The goal for DH and myself is to be the parents that we wish we could have had.

 

I hope you are able to limit contact with your stressful family members, and have a peaceful and relaxing Christmas.   :grouphug:  

[Debbi in Texas]

So sorry for all you are going through. I am glad the doctor is optimistic. I can relate in a small way to you not having your feelings validated. I went through an extremely difficult pregnancy without anyone except dh being concerned.

 

Do what you want for the holidays.Can you ask a friend or teen to help you put up a few decorations for your dh sake? I am dragging my feet on that front myself, but will probably get it done this weekend. 

 

Have a great Christmas, whatever your family decides to do.

[trulycrabby]

:grouphug:

[Guest]

Similar here. The surgeon had warned us of the ostriches. Leeches would have been a better word for some. We now enjoy relaxing holidays without them. Sorry you had to go through it, and best wishes for a good recovery.

[Guest]

Christmas is hard for a lot of people, and you have a boatload of legitimate reasons to not be 'in the spirit' in the demonstrative, cheerful, decorating way. Just say no to the expectations and take care of yourself and your immediate Te family first.

 

Hugs hugs hugs!

Edited December 5, 2016 by Arctic Mama

[SparklyUnicorn]

I used to think I was the only one who had a crap life.  Nope.  Most people have at least some crap aspect of their life.  Something they are disappointed in.  Something they wish was different/better.  I'm usually pretty pessimistic so I'm not intending to come off as I have the answer to happiness figured out, but in this rare moment I notice a couple of things that are very positive.  So I'm going with it.  Maybe you have something to be happy about?  Your kids?  Something?  I wish I didn't waste my time focusing on the hard stuff.  I don't know why we do that. 

 

Just rambling.  Sorry you are feeling down.

 

 

[cintinative]

 I wish I didn't waste my time focusing on the hard stuff.  I don't know why we do that. 

 

 

At least at Christmas, the expectation is that you spend time with family. When family is an issue, that becomes a source of difficulty. I do my best to limit the time we spend but it is nevertheless hard. I do my best to not focus on it, but it is very much in your face this time of year, kwim? 

 

I am not sure I know so many people with 'crap' lives as you, or at least they are not honest about it. 

[SparklyUnicorn]

At least at Christmas, the expectation is that you spend time with family. When family is an issue, that becomes a source of difficulty. I do my best to limit the time we spend but it is nevertheless hard. I do my best to not focus on it, but it is very much in your face this time of year, kwim? 

 

I am not sure I know so many people with 'crap' lives as you, or at least they are not honest about it. 

 

Oh I hear you.  I have my share of crazy family.  Believe me.

 

My  life isn't total crap.  I just mean I've got my dirt and my issues and stuff I'm not happy about.  I feel those pressures and expectations to have a holiday that looks a certain way even though I'd rather skip it.  I doubt I'm alone.

[Charlie]

I am not sure I know so many people with 'crap' lives as you, or at least they are not honest about it. 

 

When the sh*t started hitting the fan for our family, people slowly (and not so slowly) drifted away. I think some people are just uncomfortable with the reality that bad things happen, and it could happen to them. So they avoid things that remind them of it. And so people with less than idyllic lives find themselves increasingly written off by others. People with 'crap' lives are out there. Sometimes they hide it, sometimes they're ignored, sometimes they find each other.

 

You know what they say - show me a cynic and I'll show you a person who was once an idealist whose heart was broken. Not everyone likes to be around cynical people. So we find each other, and poke our sticks at the beasts that come out of the shadows. If you are fortunate enough to be surrounded by light, you don't want to know about those beasts. If you live with them, you learn to live with them. Sometimes you struggle. Sometimes you snuggle. Such is life.

 

[Guest]

I'm sorry. A lot of people have a hard time with Christmas because it isn't how it should be.

 

My FIL died on Christmas Day in 1998. It made Christmas hard for several (maybe all?) of my ILs for years.

[mominco]

:grouphug:

[Alicia64]

I have narcissistic parents too: it's all about them. And I'm the failure, loser etc. in the family. (We actually don't talk anymore; I'm just going off old info.)

 

Dh's family isn't a lot better. My family was mean; his family is more dangerously neglectful.

 

I've always loved how he's said, "Don't let them take anything more away from us then they already have." (I almost didn't have kids b/c of my parents.)

 

Over time, I've come to think: he's right. They're not ruining one more thing for me. They had their chance and they did a wonderful job at demolishing my younger years, but they don't get access to my adult-life. I decorate, bake, and wrap and try my best to ignore the "why didn't I get a normal mom?" thoughts that tend to appear at this time of year.

 

Not everyone gets awesome parents. Sadly, there are a lot of people in our club: you're far from being alone, Please don't let the holidays be about your parents or in-laws. Make it about your own family.

 

If DH wants decorations, head to Good Will and buy up the Xmas stuff. (Beautiful, at low prices.) Bake his favorite cookies (if he can eat). Put on Christmas carols, watch Christmas movies -- and put your lives at the center of this season.

 

Don't let bad parents ruin this experience for you!

 

Alley  :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

[scholastica]

At least at Christmas, the expectation is that you spend time with family. When family is an issue, that becomes a source of difficulty. I do my best to limit the time we spend but it is nevertheless hard. I do my best to not focus on it, but it is very much in your face this time of year, kwim?

 

I am not sure I know so many people with 'crap' lives as you, or at least they are not honest about it.

Your family is your dh and dc now. They're the only family that count. You made a new, better, more important unit when you married. Do what makes all of you happy. You have that right. It's just so darn hard when people who are supposed to love you treat you badly when you won't dance to their tune.

[fraidycat]

I used to think I was the only one who had a crap life. Nope. Most people have at least some crap aspect of their life. Something they are disappointed in. Something they wish was different/better. I'm usually pretty pessimistic so I'm not intending to come off as I have the answer to happiness figured out, but in this rare moment I notice a couple of things that are very positive. So I'm going with it. Maybe you have something to be happy about? Your kids? Something? I wish I didn't waste my time focusing on the hard stuff. I don't know why we do that.

 

Just rambling. Sorry you are feeling down.

It is innate in our survival mechanism. If we don't remember the predator, we might get eaten.

 

It's just that our modern day predators happen to be a little less "toothy" and a lot more longer-term "stressy".

[JessReplanted]

I don't know what your spiritual beliefs are, but if you are Christian I would encourage you to focus on advent. There is so much in my extended family also that is not how I wish it was. It is easy to feel overwhelmingly disappointed around holidays. But instead I choose to emphasize advent in my immediate family, and then all the other fun stuff is just frosting. We use this book: https://www.christianbook.com/unwrapping-greatest-gift-family-celebration-christmas/ann-voskamp/9781414397542/pd/397542?dv=m&en=google&event=SHOP&kw=family-0-20%7C397542&p=1179710&gclid=CN3Hx5uy3tACFQiQaQod4N8FcA

[cintinative]

I don't know what your spiritual beliefs are, but if you are Christian I would encourage you to focus on advent. There is so much in my extended family also that is not how I wish it was. It is easy to feel overwhelmingly disappointed around holidays. But instead I choose to emphasize advent in my immediate family, and then all the other fun stuff is just frosting. We use this book: https://www.christianbook.com/unwrapping-greatest-gift-family-celebration-christmas/ann-voskamp/9781414397542/pd/397542?dv=m&en=google&event=SHOP&kw=family-0-20%7C397542&p=1179710&gclid=CN3Hx5uy3tACFQiQaQod4N8FcA

 

I do think part of what makes me sad is how little Christ is in all of these things. 

 

The decorations are mostly up, etc. but dh and I have failed to bring in good traditions to refocus the holiday where it should be. Thanks for the reminder.

[lllll]

nm 

 

Edited December 25, 2016 by ..Kathy..

[purplejackmama]

I'm so sorry. I think you need to hear this, my grief counselor tells me all the time... eliminate the toxic (people, situations, etc.) I simply don't have the energy (emotional, physical, and spiritual) to deal with it right now.

 

Hugs and prayers for you and your family, OP.

[rocassie]

I am so sorry that you feel such sadness at Christmas time, this year especially.   I do too.  Usually I'm happy I put forth the effort afterwards, but carry a cloud over me leading up to the festivities.  

 

If I were in your situation, I would let all the outer family obligations go and focus on doing something that would make DH and myself have some happy memories of this time.  I would probably make the effort to put up the tree and some decorations for DH and plan a meal I would enjoy cooking and eating.  Rent a bunch of Christmas movies, pop some popcorn, get a fun drink, and then just enjoy the time together.  Let the movies create the magic of Christmas. 

 

 

Hugs and prayers to your family during this difficult time.

[Guest]

I had the most wonderful day I've had in a very long time the other day.  I had to help my dd drive to a nearby city for a job interview.  We stayed in a hotel.  So while she was gone for the day, I took a shower and set up a chair to sit in and one to prop up my feet in front of the slider in the hotel room.  The sun was shining in most of the day and the wind was blowing the leaves around outside.  It was cold so I turned up the heat and got it all cozy and warm in the room.  Then, I sat and read my Bible and prayed for a few hours.  No electronics or screens or noise of any kind.  Just me and my Bible and the gorgeous weather and sunshine streaming through the slider warming me with all natural light for several hours.  It was so peaceful and rejuvenating.  I could hear myself think and there was nothing to distract me (chores, other people, screens, etc.).

 

All to say that sometimes the simple things make all the difference.  Very small, and very simple.  

 

You'll find your own traditions eventually.   :grouphug:

 

This. Lean in to your family. Find Christ in your own traditions of Christmas with you and your husband and kids. Hugs and prayers for you and your husband and kids during this time.  :grouphug:

[Rebel Yell]

(Snipped)

 

I've always loved how he's said, "Don't let them take anything more away from us then they already have."

 

Alley :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

LOVE THIS!!! I think I am going to repeat this to myself over and over as often as I need it, which is unfortunately very often.

 

To the OP:

I'm wishing you all good things this season. It's hard, it will be different, but may you find joy in the small things as you hold your family (DH & kids) tight. I wish healing for you both, and strength to do what needs to be done, and to drop what needs to be dropped.

 

Find as many ways to simplify as you can. For me, its baking cookies made from frozen shaped dough bought at Gordon's Food Service- a restaurant supply store that is open to the public. Decorating, not baking, is all the kids cared about... you could even buy or order plain sugar cookies and decorate those, for example. All gifts are wrapped in gift bags with white tissue paper. Easy, done, reuseable! All outside teachers, coaches, etc. get $5 Chick-fil-A cards. Christmas Eve dinner is takeout Chinese before church, with leftovers to snack on the next day. Christmas Day has always been only us in our home, no guests or travel unless there was a rare visit from an out of state friend or relative and we could only see them Christmas Day, only happened once in 23 years! So we eat whatever we like, anything from pizza to pancakes to steaks to all-day-nibbles-buffet.

 

And in my opinion, I would drop the extended family gift exchange, or very extremely simplify it, such as, everybody now gets a $5 or $10 Amazon gift card instead of individual personally selected gifts.

 

Also, if you feel up to it, look around for some local, free Christmas events. A high school band and choir concert can be lovely. It can help set in motion that "joy" of community, without any required interaction. You can feel some joy, or reflect on your situation, perhaps a little of both. But no one will expect you to be bouncing around like Buddy from the Elf movie, LOL! It could be good for all of you, the kids get to do something Christmassy and the only effort on your part is getting them there.

Edited December 9, 2016 by Rebel Yell

[Janeway]

((((hugs))))

[heartlikealion]

:grouphug:

 

Maybe it's time for the family to reconstruct their Christmas celebrations. Maybe this is the year to say let's just agree not to exchange gifts or to limit how many (pull names from a hat). Just a thought. I am sorry you are going through this.

 

I have mixed feelings about Christmas. My parents can't think much about it because they are in survival mode with Mom's health (dad is her caregiver) and therefore wait til the last min. to discuss it. If I bring it up early my father gets snippy. Then there is my grandma who is older and can't drive anymore. She has someone that drives her places but I don't want to complicate things for her. So what I did last year was basically shopped on everyone's behalf and they paid me back. Then when it was time to open gifts I felt like the handmade stuff barely got a glance and everyone rushed through the present opening. This year it feels like the same all over, but I started really early so perhaps a little less stressful. My in-laws try to make Christmas this big thing and we have told them we are on a budget and we will not be spending much so please don't spend a lot on us. Of course they will spend a lot on us anyway so I'm sure there will be some guilt on my end when I open gifts. MIL tried twice to buy ds a super expensive toy that ds didn't even tell us or Santa he wanted. We had to stop her. Also MIL has made a few really unappreciated comments on my facebook lately so I think I'm going to just filter her out of viewing things. I didn't think that sharing a facebook picture memory would elicit a rude comment. It was taken when I had hung up some of the stockings, but not one for dh and I. She made it a point to tell me how many people are in my family. :glare:

 

Decorating is really hard because I have a cat and toddler. I hung up the stocking holders and just set the stockings to the side. Dd would pull on them and knock herself in the head.

 

I hope things look up for you. Hope your husband recovers quickly. Just stay home and do what you want.

 

Edited: elicit not illicit lol

Edited December 9, 2016 by heartlikealion

[mommyoffive]

Just sending good thoughts to your husband.  You have gotten some good advice already.

[FaithManor]

Hugs, warm thoughts.

 

Can I make a suggestion? Go mamma bear this season. You have a sick husband. Circle the wagons and do what is meaningful to you and your children and husband. Ask the kids to make a few decorations to hang in the windows, put a poinsetta on the table, take a drive and look at everyone's lights, spend time with dh, read, sing, have movie night, and let the extended family know you are on vacation from the same old same old. Don't respond to their guilt trips.

 

I am doing that. I kind of woke up one morning and decided not to let the extended crazy steal from me and my family this year. I am not doing anything elaborate - lol I let my geeky teen sons decorate the tree and the garland is toilet paper!!! It has science stuff and Dr. pepper bottles on it and a crepe paper rocket - but you know, it is fun...pure joy to look at because they love it for it silliness.

 

We have weekly movie marathons, and we are just ignoring a lot of the trappings of the season. Making time for fun.

 

Please give it a try. It is helping us so much to not get sucked into the other family drama.

[Alicia64]

It is innate in our survival mechanism. If we don't remember the predator, we might get eaten.

 

It's just that our modern day predators happen to be a little less "toothy" and a lot more longer-term "stressy".

 

Well said.