Are teens THAT bad?

[Jennifer3141]

I haven't read the story because it would depress me too much but another teenager has been abandoned due to Nebraska's (it is Nebraska, right?) parenting laws.

 

My eldest is 4. We had our worst day ever together yesterday and although I didn't like her very much for several minutes, I cannot imagine leaving her at a firestation and driving away.

 

Did the mom look out her rearview mirror as she drove away? What the heck did she say to her kid on the way there?

 

Everyone keeps threatening me with the, "Just you wait until they are teenagers!" line. Is it that horrible?

 

Jen

[Chris in VA]

Well, it can be.

 

But there's no excuse for that kind of parenting. To parent a teen, you have to wear your Big Girl Panties, be the adult, and realize that this, too, shall pass.

Sometimes people's choices are not in our control, you know? The best we can do is do our best, and ask for help from those who are wise. Even then, sometimes things get overwhelming, and things get out of hand.

 

I hope that firestation mom can get some help. It sure can be rough.

[Rhonda in TX]

I wasn't rebellious. I didn't talk back. I'm sure I wasn't perfect, but I was really a pretty good kid. My biggest problem was an inability to keep my room clean. I was grounded twice in my whole life.

 

Now, my kids? I'm obviously paying for somebody else's rearing, because I do NOT deserve this. :lol: Really, though, I expect bumpy roads with my two, but nothing worth abandoning them over. Good grief!

[Carrie12345]

I can't truly imagine, but I try.

 

I know I made my mother's life extremely difficult when I was a teenager, and I'm 99% certain I was a "normal" teen, for whatever that's worth. After the toll I took on her, I can only assume that an "abnormally" difficult teenager can break a parent.

 

That's not to say I endorse abandonment. But, honestly, I find this whole drop-off concept preferable to literally putting a child out on the street, alone, which has been happening for all of time. Technically, it isn't much different from safe havens vs. dumpsters for infants.

 

It has to be traumatic for a teen. I hope it is the same for the parent. Not wishing them pain, but wanting to believe that it takes *enormous* pain to come to that decision, if that makes any sense.

[Jennifer3141]

Chris, if you can say that with all the heartbreak you have happening now - then I feel better already. Thank you!

 

I agree that the safty drop offs are better than abandonment in the streets but even if you are a "bad" parent, doesn't it break your heart to leave someone behind you just spent TWELVE years with??

 

Jen

[Pamela H in Texas]

Jen,

 

Honestly? The teen years are BY FAR the best years with our children. On another board, we had a several page thread about this and all but one of those of us with teens (or adult children) agreed that the teen years were the best parenting years.

 

Now, I think people can set it up to be better or worse so do better parenting. I also think there is an occasional horrible situation (kid makes poor choices not related to the parenting) so if that happens, don't beat yourself up (though be honest about whether that is really what happened as repairing relationships, different parenting, etc can help a teen through a situation).

 

But really, many of us are REALLY enjoying our teens.

[Camy-7 boybarians 1 lady]

I can tell you that my teens are the best! I just love to hang out with them and have them around. We have worked hard to train them *and* enjoy them (I know that this is no guarantee to a good kid). Put forth your best effort as a parent, and build a strong relationship with your child when they are young (and keep it going, it takes work). Blessings.

[Jennifer3141]

I love hearing that!!

 

Yesterday, I scrubbed my parrot's room down for the winter. I left her outside in her locked cage while I did some disinfecting of the floor.

 

Both of my children know they are not allowed to touch my parrot however, because they saw me spraying her off with the mist function on the hose... It was AWFUL. I almost lost her. I saved her only because I put my squeamishness aside and performed some basic veterinary moves. It was gross and I was terrified. And I'm a total idiot for running back into the house without securing the hose and reinforcing the rules again. I know this. A storm was rolling in, the chicken crap casserole was drying out, etc. etc. Typical mom stuff...

 

I've had this parrot 10 years. Hopefully, she'll live 50 more. I've loved this kid less than half that.

 

While I stood there holding my seizing parrot, I hated my DD. But in the back of my head, if someone had tried to take her away, I'd have thrown my half dead parrot at him and clawed his eyes out. I knew while I stood there hating her that we'd talk through this and somehow I'd forgive her.

 

It's that kind of stuff that is driving me nuts parenting. There's not much common sense yet. I see glimmers of it about once a day but a 13 year old would know to stop spraying the parrot with the hose when she is having trouble BREATHING.

 

You can have a real conversation about the world with a 13 year old and the response wouldn't be, "Mom, do you know who Gandalf is?" Seriously. That was one of her questions yesterday. It led to something deeper but still.

 

DH tells me that listening to her chatter all day long is like listening to some of his 98 year old demented patients. There are times it's like a stream of consciousness but little else.

 

You can reason with a teenager, sometimes at least. Heck, you can't reason with every adult 100% of the time.

 

It's just that after the horror of yesterday, my heart hurts and I'd love to have a teenager for a few days.

 

Jen

[Just Me]

Honestly...I love my teens. There are some difficult times, but I love the discussions we have and seeing them grow and learn. I love babies, and am mourning the loss of having more, but I do love my teens!

[Pamela H in Texas]

Jen,

 

BTW, most people I've known have agreed that 4 is the toughest year. I don't know why 2's get such a bad rap, but 4's deserve it :) I aged a good 10 years the year my son was 4. LOL

 

Really, if you are doing your part, it all just keeps getting easier and easier.

 

I really hope your bird completely heals.

[Danestress]

Parents also can really stink sometimes:)

 

Honestly, I found the teen years with my oldest very trying. He wasn't doing anything truly horrible - no drugs, little or no drinking (I'm not niave enough to say he never took a sip, but it wasn't a problem), nice to girls and other kids, got along okay with most of his teacher. But he still drove us nuts. I would NOT say that those were the "best" years. He's an absolute delight at age 20, so it was just a phase. But it was a rude, mouthy stage. It had it's great moments, but I did mourn the loss of my cute, fun 10 year old.

 

I know lovely, lovely Christians who have had tough teen years with their children, and I don't think this is all about "training them up." Human relationships have conflict sometimes, and this is an age when some parents and kids are just going to have conflict. For those of us who absolutely hate conflict and want everyone to be happy all the time, that can be distressing. I think how hard the teens year are is partly about the temperment of the parties involved. My son wasn't a typical boy who wanted to play sports and listen to music in his room. He was very very very verbal and emotional. I just found it exhausting. I used to hide in my closet.

 

But anyway, I can't think of any way to justify the choice this woman made to drop off a 13 year old. I try to extend sympathy and not to judge too harshly. I have defended kids in juvenile court, and I have seen well-meaning parents who have tried everything, spent thousands of dollars in counseling, tried the diets and the discipline plans and struggled and suffered, and had a kid who basically terrorized their household. It's scary when you have a 13 year old boy who appears to have no moral compass and who lives to terrorize a four year old sister.

 

So I think about that and try not to pass judgement on this Mom, even though I am certain she had better options. I also think about how some people have very poor coping skills or very low intelligence, and I know that no one calls God and says, "Please, could I have poor coping skills?" You know? I feel very blessed to have the intelligence and the emotional intelligence to deal with hard days in a family. I know there are people who just don't have that, and it's sad.

Edited October 14, 2008 by Danestress

[Murphy101]

you know, I really do think that the worse the economy gets the more we're going to see this.

 

I don't think it has anything to do with how good or bad the teen is most of the time. I mean, if they ditched the kid just because of behavior, I think they would have done it way before then. Like at about age 3 or 4?;)

 

It has to do with the parent just feeling like they simply cannot do a decent job parenting their child anymore. Maybe simply because they can't financially provide like they had previously done.

 

In many ways I think the orphanges or poor houses of old days were better then than this. At least then, if the parent wanted, they could keep in contact with their child, visit them, and when/if they got back on their feet come back for them. Many did as soon as they were able to. And their kids didn't have to feel abandoned.

 

It just stinks all around.

[KarenNC]

I think we can safely assume these situations are not about "teens" but rather about very unusual situations, and not unlikely to involve some sort of mental health issue on the part of either the parent or child or other unusual situation. It probably points out failures of our support systems for those under severe stress rather than something inherent to teens in general. I can't imagine that abandonment (much less driving 12 hours or more to do so) is *anyone's* first reaction.

[LibraryLover]

.

Edited October 14, 2008 by LibraryLover

[Big Buckin' Longhorn]

I don't know if I'm living in a bubble, but if I am don't pop it, :D. Right now, smack in the middle of the teen years are some of the best years I've ever had with my son. He's kind, giving, respectful of woman and to his elders in general, an extremely hard worker and just a great all around human being. I could sit and talk to him for hours, I love the fresh non-jaded perspective he has on life and everything in it.

 

I'm not trying to push my blog or anything, but I did just recently post about how much he helped me at the grocery store recently. Frankly, I get worried thinking about what I'm supposed to do when he grows up and moves away :confused:.

 

I guess it all just depends on the upbringing and, to be fair, the kid.

[cathmom]

Your parrot has a room?

 

Just kind of struck me as funny. I hope he/she gets better.

 

I very much enjoyed the teen years with my oldest, who will be 19 in three weeks.

[PiCO]

But really, many of us are REALLY enjoying our teens.

 

I am enjoying my teen also. As a matter of fact, I enjoy most teens. Even the goth ones.

[Ria]

I currently have five teenagers (19, 19, 16, 14, 13); my baby is 11. I love teens. They are so much fun! Yes, they can be headstrong at times, but nothing compared to a 3 or 4 year old! Teens argue well, lol. Really, I think the teen years are our reward for raising kids when they are little. Teens are real people, with real opinions...lots of fun. Sure, they have their days, but overall? Teens are fantastic.

 

Ria

[Jean in Wisc]

Jen,

 

Honestly? The teen years are BY FAR the best years with our children. On another board, we had a several page thread about this and all but one of those of us with teens (or adult children) agreed that the teen years were the best parenting years.

 

Now, I think people can set it up to be better or worse so do better parenting. I also think there is an occasional horrible situation (kid makes poor choices not related to the parenting) so if that happens, don't beat yourself up (though be honest about whether that is really what happened as repairing relationships, different parenting, etc can help a teen through a situation).

 

But really, many of us are REALLY enjoying our teens.

 

I'd take teens over toddlers ANY day! I love my teens' sense of humor. I love that they can help me with my work and take care of me when I need it. I love that they can discuss current events and topics that interest ME. They are so much fun!

 

Yes, they give us gray hair, but I'd have gotten that either way.

 

:) J

[Diana in OR]

I love having teens! They are a joy to have around. I'm finding the teen years much easier than the middle years (4-10).

[Danestress]

I can't remember anything particularly hard about four year olds! It's really interesting to hear what other people have found hard, or maybe it's partly a personality thing or a boy/girl thing.

 

I have all boys. I thought they were all wonderfully fun and easy from about six months old (I like sleep!) on. I guess four year olds take some extra physical energy just keeping up with them, but I remember it as mostly delightful. My twins are still easy and pleasant at ten, but I did think my eldest became difficult around 12.

 

This would make a good poll. What was the hardest age, and why?

[Harriet Vane]

You really cannot compare your life, your family, to the families who abandon their teens.

 

Those families were broken long before their children grew into teenagers.

 

Yes, some teens are that bad. Some parents are that bad. In cases of abandonment, I point the finger at the parents.

 

Even if a teen is that bad, and cannot stay home, good parents continue to figure out how to parent that teen.

 

I have two friends who have walked a really, really rough road with their teens. In one case, my friend unofficially took in a child whose mother was a homeless chronic drug addict. It started with providing weekend care, but ultimately he was with them full-time. As he moved through the teen years and struggled with his history and with questions of his identity, he became absolutely intolerable, and eventually, drug-addicted. My friend hung in there, trying every possible way to address his behavior. At the beginning of their journey they had a counselor once a week--by the end of the journey this boy was in a full-time residential treatment center. It was terribly hard, but my friend hung in there. Ultimately this boy rejected the family who had loved him through so much. He is now a drug pusher who has fathered (and denied) at least one child.

 

Another friend has a child who is mentally ill. As is common with this condition, this girl's illness erupted badly when she hit puberty. Her parents are NOT rich people, and sacrificed quite a lot to try to get her the help she needed. Her behavior became increasingly violent and erratic. Everything came to a head when she made threats to lie to DCFS and have their other children removed from the home. (She said, in so many words, "I will call social services and lie about how how you . . . ") At that point their daughter had to leave the home--her behavior coupled with her threats presented a clear danger to children smaller than her. A church family helped in the short term, and for the long term my friends were able to come to an arrangement wherein their daughter lived in the home of a former foster family. My friends continued paying for and caring for their daughter, seeking treatment options for her and for healing their family. They continue to seek treatment and healing now even though their daughter is a legal adult with a child of her own now.

 

My point is that good parents hang in there. Yes some teens are "that bad"--there is often a good reason underlying that behavior too. The people abandoning their teens in Nebraska are not good parents, and it is likely that they have not been good parents for quite some time.

[lllll]

..

[cin]

I was NOT an easy teen. My mom was NOT an easy parent. The combination was explosive. But they did not abandon me. And today, I am a productive member of society. Usually.

[Kathleen in VA]

I love being around my teens/young adults. I remember being a bit fearful of being the parent of a teenager, but it hasn't been the nightmare I was expecting.

 

I feel so very sad for those children who have been abandoned in Nebraska. As others have said, there must be some pretty huge extenuating circumstances to drive someone to do that.

[swellmomma]

Never mind.

Edited October 14, 2008 by swellmomma

[Alaska Mom]

Would any of you share what would be the most significant contributions from your parenting/situation that created your having great teens vs. not great teens?

 

Can you give those of us with young ones any specific advice to help us lay the foundation now? "Good communication" for example is great advice, but that's kind of general to most of us, can you offer specifics on what to do now to have good teens later? Does that make sense? :tongue_smilie:

[Julie in CA]

You are all totally right that the teen years are wonderful!

The teen years, on the flip side, are also sometimes an awful and horrifying experience for both the kids and their families.

 

I've known "good parents" who ended up with no recourse and no mercy in situations where clearly they had done all they could do, and were in fear of their teenagers. I'm a little surprised that so many here have the attitude that good parenting includes keeping a teen who may/may not be dangerous at home. I think part of what contributes to some of the more horrifying crimes that teens commit is that our society has yet to come up with a good system for helping parents who have tried everything else and still have scary teens. I don't know enough about the abandonments to attribute them to that specifically, but in my mind the parents who are giving up their teen children probably have very good reasons to do so.

 

I would be willing to bet that either those teens are *waaay* out of control, or the parents were *waaay* out of control. In either case, it's the right thing (imo) for someone else to have responsibility for the child.

 

I don't think the economic situation will have that much to do with it, because loving parents would not give their child up over finances even if it meant going to extremes to earn enough, and even doing without much. The parents who would give a child up over finances are probably pretty sorry parents anyway, and in that case the child is probably *still* better off in the care of someone else. That's a point that some may argue, but I hold firm in the belief that people who are literally starving to death in this country should get over their misplaced ideas of dignity and do what it takes to keep body and soul together. I still have never been in a church that would refuse food to those who were starving. We may not be able to provide our kids with everything we wish we could, but there's always a way to keep them from starving (in our country, that is).

 

Either way, the states that allow relinquishment of children had better be doggone sure that they have done everything possible to reform their system to appropriately care for those kids. How horrible for a parent to give up a child to the system, and then have that system do a worse job than they were doing in the first place.

[Jean in Wisc]

Would any of you share what would be the most significant contributions from your parenting/situation that created your having great teens vs. not great teens?

 

Can you give those of us with young ones any specific advice to help us lay the foundation now? "Good communication" for example is great advice, but that's kind of general to most of us, can you offer specifics on what to do now to have good teens later? Does that make sense? :tongue_smilie:

 

I am glad I fought and won the battles with my strong-willed children while they were young. I can't imagine what it would be like today if my two older children had not learned that they did not run the household when they were little.

 

I've written about one child here.

[TN Mama]

you know, I really do think that the worse the economy gets the more we're going to see this.

 

I don't think it has anything to do with how good or bad the teen is most of the time. I mean, if they ditched the kid just because of behavior, I think they would have done it way before then. Like at about age 3 or 4?;)

 

It has to do with the parent just feeling like they simply cannot do a decent job parenting their child anymore. Maybe simply because they can't financially provide like they had previously done.

 

In many ways I think the orphanges or poor houses of old days were better then than this. At least then, if the parent wanted, they could keep in contact with their child, visit them, and when/if they got back on their feet come back for them. Many did as soon as they were able to. And their kids didn't have to feel abandoned.

 

It just stinks all around.

 

I think it has less to do with the economy and more to do with the new safe haven law in Nebraska.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/27165057

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,409262,00.html

 

Just makes me sad.

[Remudamom]

Nope, my teens are a joy, even when they're obnoxious.

[Tammyla]

My dd has been a joy. Everyone has their moments, but around here our motto is family first.:grouphug:

[WTMCassandra]

IEveryone keeps threatening me with the, "Just you wait until they are teenagers!" line. Is it that horrible?

 

 

Depends on your POV.:001_smile:

 

I'm not quite "there," but here's what I've observed over the years:

 

1) Teens cannot stand hypocrisy. If you are used to a "Do as I say, not as I do" parenting style, it will not work anymore.

 

2) Teens want things to make sense. If you are used to a "Do it just because I said so" parenting style, it will not work anymore.

 

3) Teens begin to see people for who they are, especially parents. Parents who have relied on "image" and unconditional approval from their children will find that this does not work anymore.

 

4) Teens have the power to make decisions with overwhelming life consequences that are rare to impossible with younger children. The stakes are much higher.

 

So, a lot of water under the bridge helps influence how the teen years will go. Yes, there are wretched parents who cause their own teen problems. Yes, there are wretched teens who sadden their parents. But they get all the press, just like the "homeschoolers" who drown their children in bathtubs *sigh.* There are lots of great teens out there, homeschooled and not, who are NOT on the 6:00 news!

[laughing lioness]

Jumping on late but I love our teens and young adults! They are great! They are an extra set of hands for work, generally loving people to our littles, full of ideas and thoughts and questions, loving, thoughtful people who totally rock!

Someone asked how we got there? We start with the end in mind and make sure our kids understand our vision. We let our selfish 6 yo know that he is setting patterns for life and that as a man and husband and father he will be expected to live sacrifically if he wants joy. Surprisingly, kids get that. Sally Clarkson sums it up well: sympathize with your child's heart. Don't just set rules and expectations, limits, etc. Listen to them, spend time with them, understand them.

Someone else said, your home environment or culture makes a difference in the heart of your child. If you home is very entertainment oriented, they are not developing the deep things of the heart or the mind. If your home is allowing the kids to be peer-oriented vs.family-oriented than you'll most likely get teens that look to thier peers for values instead of you.

There must be zero-tolerance for lying from the get-go or you have erroded the foundations of relationship. We have noticed a disturbing trend among fellow Christians even who think that the truth, agreements, written and spoken words are dynamic (in that they change given time or situations, etc. - I've been writing about this a lot on my blog). Truth is Truth and kids want to experience and know that there is something that transcends themselves.

We also focus on justice instead of fairness in our home. Life isn't fair, thank-God. But it can be just and in our little piece of the world we work towards that. This involves time and attention, especially if you have kids that are competitive with each other.

We have a lot of humor and laughs in our home. Some of our kids are terrific mimics and we just bust up laughing at a quoted movie line. My dh is the king of puns which we all groan about but what would we do without that bit of humor? We have bought tons of joke books for the kids to learn humor and we memorize goofy poems becasue they are funny, too. We watch and listen to as many clean comedians as we can because life is hard and we all need a few laughs to take us out of ourselves.

We have family prayers and have for years (not every night but frequently). Everyone takes a turn praying, even the youngest who can start out with thanking God for the day if that's all they can come up with. It has astonished me how many deep concerns and thoughts from our kids have come up during this time. We also read deep books together, which, given our age spread, is always over soemones head. But we break and discuss and apply. We read the Bible together and discuss the truths and applications of the Word. We share a common faith that we attempt to live out with integrity. Our kids have seen us weak and failing but they still respect us because we admit our weakness and apologize to them and each other. We've spent the past 2 decades pouring into them instead of careers or wealth or power (my dh and I have 5 grad degrees between us) and the appreciate what they've been given, despite obvious financial sacrifices because they can look around and see what so many of their peers don't have.

Enough of the dissertation... I have been blogging about a lot of this and my dh and I speak on "Creating a Beautiful Family Culture" - it is a clear passion of mine:001_smile:

I want to add- our kids have been blessed with good health and so we haven't had to face some of the difficulties that others have. I have great respect for the parents out there whose dc's have emotional, physical or academic challenges.

I do believe that living by principal instead of formula or technique is how to get where you want to go.

[hsmamainva]

My teens are great!!! I agree with another poster that it's the younger ages which are the hardest on me!!! (My 6yo -- oy! She can really press every button!!)

 

But my biggest gripe with my 17 year old is that she doesn't keep her room clean -- in the grand scheme of things, that's nothing compared to what some parents deal with!

 

And my biggest complaint with my 14 year old is that he's too obsessed with Star Wars -- again, not a big deal, when I think about what he *could* be obsessed with! ;)

 

I've really never had any problems with my teens. My oldest has been taking classes at the community college since she was 15 and she's found a good group of kids to hang out with....so she hasn't had to deal with drugs or drinking or anything like that...she said that a few of them smoke but they've never asked her to try it...so I have no complaints!

[CAMom]

 

Honestly, I found the teen years with my oldest very trying. He wasn't doing anything truly horrible - no drugs, little or no drinking (I'm not niave enough to say he never took a sip, but it wasn't a problem), nice to girls and other kids, got along okay with most of his teacher. But he still drove us nuts. I would NOT say that those were the "best" years. He's an absolute delight at age 20, so it was just a phase. But it was a rude, mouthy stage. It had it's great moments, but I did mourn the loss of my cute, fun 10 year old.

 

I know lovely, lovely Christians who have had tough teen years with their children, and I don't think this is all about "training them up." Human relationships have conflict sometimes, and this is an age when some parents and kids are just going to have conflict. For those of us who absolutely hate conflict and want everyone to be happy all the time, that can be distressing. I think how hard the teens year are is partly about the temperment of the parties involved. My son wasn't a typical boy who wanted to play sports and listen to music in his room. He was very very very verbal and emotional. I just found it exhausting. I used to hide in my closet.

 

 

 

My son will be 16 in three weeks and this has been my experience as well.

 

He's not a bad kid at all. But...he is stubborn, argumentative, questions every word, etc. I do love him. I have lots of fun with him. I love watching him formulate his own thoughts. It still leaves me totally exhausted!

 

I used to get so frustrated when people said, "Wait until they're teens!" I used to be so full of myself that I thought my kids would be as perfect when they were teens as they were when they were little. I was such a great parent, you know.:tongue_smilie: Now I know what they were talking about.;) (I do try not to say it to others, though, as I know now that every situation is different.)

 

For us, it hasn't been "that bad" but it has been far more challenging than I ever imagined. It has stretched me further than I thought I could be stretched. It leaves me totally exhausted at the end of most days. But, I can't imagine leave my teens. Maybe I have a unique perspective because one of my children actually died and that changed me.

 

I want parents to be realistic about the variety of things they may experience when their children are teens. Some teens will be harder than others and some will even need some outside intervention. I don't ever intend to scare parents who have upcoming teens but I wish I would have listened a little more to those who were further down the road than I was.

[Just Me]

I may be repeating my self here, but someone asked how to raise great teens. Here is my advice - start raising teens when they are preschoolers!

 

What I mean is this - if you let your 3 year old get away with talking back to you, you will most likely have a sassy 13 year old. If you let your 4 year old dictate to you what he will or will not do, you will not control your 14 year old.

 

As for communication - hug your children a lot! Have fun with them, and let them know that they can always trust you. I firmly believe that trust leads to good communication.

 

Enjoy your kids!

[Quiver0f10]

I have 5 teens right now and I am loving the teen years! Yes, they have given some more greys ( car accidents lol) but my teens are a huge blessing to me! I was worried as my kids got older because people always said "wait till they are teens", but so far, its been a joy. Yes, they can get mouthy or do stupid things, but it's all part of our job of raising them to be good adults.

 

What that woman did is inconcievable to me. My heart hurts for that child.

[mamato4girls]

It can be, but I could not imagine just leaving them somewhere and abondoning them. I did not even hear about that, that is so sad. It is like the terrible two's but this time around they REALLY talk back, get into trouble, and well it is just magnified. Especially girls, oh the DRAMA!!

[CAMom]

I may be repeating my self here, but someone asked how to raise great teens. Here is my advice - start raising teens when they are preschoolers!

 

What I mean is this - if you let your 3 year old get away with talking back to you, you will most likely have a sassy 13 year old. If you let your 4 year old dictate to you what he will or will not do, you will not control your 14 year old.

 

As for communication - hug your children a lot! Have fun with them, and let them know that they can always trust you. I firmly believe that trust leads to good communication.

 

Enjoy your kids!

 

Of course, you can have fantastic preschoolers who obey the first time, never talk back, etc. and still have very challenging teenagers. Ask me how I know...;)

 

You really can be totally on top of parenting when they're young and they can still give you a run for your money when they hit puberty. I wish I had understood that long, long ago. Truly, the teen years have made me so acutely aware of my own need for grace.

[mcconnellboys]

I love my obnoxious teen with all my heart and soul. Why would I ever go through all the trouble to bear a child and raise it up for more than a decade only to abandon it at its most critical time of physical development? and so near the final goal line of adulthood? That's like stopping a racehorse three paces from the finish line and getting off and walking away.....

[Laura R (FL)]

I think this is a situation of "walk a mile in their shoes."

 

I enjoy my teenager. Sure, she's moody, mouthy, and sarcastic. She's also funny, polite, fun to be around, and has a great sense of humor. The only thing I think that has made a difference is that she knows I really care about her no matter what, and I back that up by staying interested in what she's interested in, listening to her, and spending time with her. I've always been like that. When she needs boundaries, I'm firm. When she needs space, I give it to her. I trust her and she hasn't given me a lot of reason to distrust her. She likes the trust and doesn't want to lose it.

 

About the Nebraska mom...that's a tough one. My brother was a real toughy from the get go. Maybe she wasn't a perfect mom, but she was a single mom and had to work a lot, too. By the time my brother was 14, he was on drugs, stealing money, running away, and getting arrested. My mom took him to counseling, to court, begged the judges for help with residential places, anything. She could not keep him in the house and he would threaten her physically and just walk out. Yet, the courts told her that she was 100% responsible for him because he was a minor. She asked to leave him in juvenile detention so he could face some punishment, but they would say that she *must* come pick him up, and then just slap him on the wrist without any consequences for his actions. Now, I don't think my mom could have abadoned him (then again...), but after witnessing that scenario and many others in juvenile court, I can understand why a mother would want to.

[Carrie12345]

I think this is a situation of "walk a mile in their shoes."

 

I enjoy my teenager. Sure, she's moody, mouthy, and sarcastic. She's also funny, polite, fun to be around, and has a great sense of humor. The only thing I think that has made a difference is that she knows I really care about her no matter what, and I back that up by staying interested in what she's interested in, listening to her, and spending time with her. I've always been like that. When she needs boundaries, I'm firm. When she needs space, I give it to her. I trust her and she hasn't given me a lot of reason to distrust her. She likes the trust and doesn't want to lose it.

 

About the Nebraska mom...that's a tough one. My brother was a real toughy from the get go. Maybe she wasn't a perfect mom, but she was a single mom and had to work a lot, too. By the time my brother was 14, he was on drugs, stealing money, running away, and getting arrested. My mom took him to counseling, to court, begged the judges for help with residential places, anything. She could not keep him in the house and he would threaten her physically and just walk out. Yet, the courts told her that she was 100% responsible for him because he was a minor. She asked to leave him in juvenile detention so he could face some punishment, but they would say that she *must* come pick him up, and then just slap him on the wrist without any consequences for his actions. Now, I don't think my mom could have abadoned him (then again...), but after witnessing that scenario and many others in juvenile court, I can understand why a mother would want to.

 

ITA. My sister (who, btw, was raised the same way my other sister and I were) went through an incredibly destructive period a few years ago, in her early 20s. My mother refused to put her out of the house. Finacial, emotional, and legal issues nearly cost my mother her marriage, not to mention her sanity.

 

If it had been a few years earlier, with our younger sister still at home, I would have done everything in my power to protect the younger sister from the horrible things that went on, and it would have involved removing one of them from the house.

 

I'm all for giving 100%, digging for extra patience and untapped resources, and trying to save a family. You can't always protect people from themselves, and you may have to chose to protect others, even yourself, first.

Edited October 15, 2008 by Carrie1234
earlierer is not a word

[threetreasurs]

No they aren't. They can be a pain but then so can kids of any age!:confused:

[CLHCO]

Everyone keeps threatening me with the, "Just you wait until they are teenagers!" line. Is it that horrible?

 

 

I got that line but it was specifically "wait until they're 14!" Well, at least the oldest two are 14 and they're great kids. I can't promise they won't flip out at a later date but it seems pretty unlikely.

 

I have met a few teens I can almost understand what a parent is going through though. Almost. There is a sense of duty these parents lack to having done something like that, but I can understand the helplessness. These kids can be very large, very obstinant, and make life a living hell for the rest of the family. I would far prefer strong intervention to laws that allow for abandonment though. I find that irresponsible of the state.

 

You can't avoid every bump but I do think the worst extremes can be avoided in most situations where there are strong relationships. Keep that going even during those times when your children make you the most crazy... or especially during those times.

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[ravengal]

KSVA,

 

I've enjoyed reading about your brand of "the homeschool lifestyle." Do your 20, 23, and 25yos work away from home, or attend college away from home?

Edited October 16, 2008 by ravengal

[6packofun]

Some parents are really THAT bad. :( I'm sure that there are many situations with children of all ages that sorely try a parent, but dumping them off somewhere just goes beyond desperation, IMO. It's so sad and I hope that all them can get help.