UPDATE in OP - WWYD? Keep part-time job?

[speedmom4]

Hello Hive,

I would love to have opinions about whether or not I should continue to work outside of the home or not. I'm so incredibly torn about all this.

I began this job about a year ago. I had never worked outside of the home since our oldest was born so it has been a huge adjustment. I work at our Church. I work approximately 10-20 hours a week and half of that I can do at home. The job requires that I am very organized, creative, caring, and available. There are aspects of the job that I absolutely love and parts that can be downright discouraging. In some respects it's difficult working for my own Church. Being on the inside has it's benefits and downsides.

My youngest child had a medical emergency a week and a half ago that has brought many issues to the forefront. Looks like my son is going to be ok but we may have an ongoing health related issue. My older son has CP (cerebral palsy) but is very high functioning but he does need OT/PT every week as well as meds to control his epilepsy. My oldest is in college and the next one will be going off in the fall. My husband works incredibly hard and is out of town typically Monday through Thursday.

Our homeschool suffered last year. We were able to finish everything that we needed to but it wasn't to the standard that I would like. I was so incredibly stressed all year. There were many times I had to drop what we were doing to deal with something work related. My house has suffered as well. I do not do well when it's messy and disorganized, which has happened quite a bit since I began working. I don't cook as often and the kids have pitched in more but I do feel the quality of our diet has decreased.

I don't need the money but it has been nice to have it. Since we will have two children in college in the fall any extra money doesn't hurt. I don't make that much so it doesn't pay any bills. I've put 90% of the money into our college savings account.

My children have recently expressed that they wish I was home more and that I wasn't so stressed. My husband has been so very supportive but he wishes I wasn't so stressed about it all. I miss being able to take care of my family the way I did in the past. My Church needs me, though. They will understand but it will cause stress if I leave. I need to make a decision quickly because they will need time before the school year begins to hire someone else.

WWYD? I am so very torn. On the one hand I just want out but on the other I feel like I will be letting my Church down.

Thanks so much for reading!

 

UPDATE: After reading everyone's advice, speaking with each of my children and husband, and praying I decided to let the job go. At first I didn't have the peaceful feeling I wanted to have but I knew the decision was right no matter how I felt. Yesterday I went in and spoke (and cried)  :sad:  to our priest. He was so kind and understanding. Then I spoke with my immediate boss. She was much more understanding than I expected her to be. I told them I will be available while they look for someone new and will help train the new person.

 

Thanks to everyone who helped give me some perspective. I very much appreciate it! 

Edited July 6, 2016 by speedmom4

[regentrude]

 

WWYD? I am so very torn. On the one hand I just want out but on the other I feel like I will be letting my Church down.

 

If the bolded sums up your balance of feelings, you should quit.

 

If your "buts" would have been your enjoyment of the work, your feelings of accomplishment, the extra income, the contacts you make - anything that makes it worth it for you - I would have encouraged you to continue and see if you can adjust to your schedule, because 5-10 hours away from home is not that much and it would be possible to make it work if you really wanted to.

 

But if not letting down your employer is the sole reason you consider continuing, you should stop. Your primary responsibility is towards yourself and your family.

Edited July 2, 2016 by regentrude

[Pam L in Mid Tenn]

I worked while I was still homeschooling because we needed the money.  If I would not have "had" to work I would NOT have worked. Also, I stayed in a job with quite a bit of emotional stress and WAY TO LONG. 

 

Your church should understand that your family comes first.

[The Girls' Mom]

There are numerous people that can do your job at the church.  You are the only you your family has.  If you don't need the job, and it is causing you more stress than joy, then let it go.

[bolt.]

Its important to focus on being successful at what matters most, and feeling like you have a good grip on your life. It sounds like part time church job is interfering with your priorities, not complimenting them.

 

Sometimes 'you' have to do hard things that compromise your real hopes and dreams (like work for needed money) but sometimes you don't. It's ok to let go of this.

Edited July 2, 2016 by bolt.

[greenbeanmama]

I can certainly relate - I recently started a part-time job, working 3:00-7:00 a.m. five days a week (this means we have no childcare expenses).  I have provided in-home childcare (two days a week) for years, but this is my first out-of-the-house job since my oldest was born.

 

It is so much harder than I expected.  All that you mentioned, I have become aware of: needing to have my children pitch in more around the house, realizing our typical diet has changed and not liking some of those changes, having a hard time fitting in school and losing quite a bit of quality time for each doctor's appointment and other hiccup that comes up, the constant stress of trying to keep up with housework and feeling more stressed that I am always behind (I do not think well with mess and clutter around me).  For us, the extra money is needed, so we have to make it work.  I am surprised to see my husband stepping up to the plate a little more, but it is so discouraging that I can hardly take time to rest or do anything for myself, especially when I feel so stressed about all that needs to get done. 

 

If I were in your situation, I would quit the part-time job.  It sounds like it is adding too much stress to you and your family's homelife to make it worth it.  Your church can find someone else who will also enjoy the work but can fit it in better with what else they have going on in their life.  I think in this case, you need to put your family first.

[zoobie]

Your responsibility is to yourself and your family. You said your homeschool suffered. That's not fair to your kids. The church can hire someone else. Your family can't. If your husband is out of town and older kids are at college, will you have to hire childcare this year? You have a new medical issue to manage on top of existing issues. You got good experience and will leave on good terms so that if you need that job or another job in the future, you have references.

[Valley Girl]

You family needs you (and for good reason!) and you want to be home, right? Then your church will need to find someone else. And if the people in charge cannot understand that, the problem is theirs. Give them a couple of weeks' notice if you can, then do what is best for your family. Without guilt.

[meena]

Sometimes our "mission field" (that is, who we are serving) needs to be at home. It seems like that might be the case for you during this period of your life. I'd also put faith that God will provide the right person to take over your position. It sounds like you have done a wonderful job in your job, but perhaps it is time for someone else to have the opportunity to serve in your church now. You never know, there may be someone praying for that exact job opportunity to open up. Since you seem very concerned about leaving, maybe you could resign but offer to train your replacement. Or offer continued email support to the new person for a set period of time to help the person adjust to the position.

[madteaparty]

With your facts, I would quit.

I also work about that much time, also do not need the $ but it has been great for me to have something on the side, and not be completely attending to my kids all the time. It also helps organize my week (I am a lazy person!) because I know i will be gone that day so the other days have a certain focus.

The thing that has always been hard for me to manage is that I permit work to be all consuming, I think about it all the time, worry about strategies and mistakes and such. It consumes far too much mental and emotional energy and not in proportion to my role or compensation:). I'm so low on the totem pole now that I have been able to manage my head well. When I start losing that battle is when I quit...

[Ewe Mama]

Please quit the job.

 

Even under the best of circumstances, it is very stressful to work in your place of worship. I was the parish secretary at my church for two years and had to quit. If the weekly bulletin wasn't perfect, I would stare at that error throughout the entire service and mentally beat myself up. That was definitely not a good for me spiritually.

 

Your family misses your presence at home. They see/feel the stress you are under. Other people can step up and do the work at the church, but you are the only mom/wife your family has.

[GinaPagnato]

Quit the job. No question in my mind.

[G5052]

Unless you anticipate really needing the $$$, I'd quit.

 

I've always worked and homeschooled because we really, really needed the money for complex, expensive family medical issues. I am blessed in that I love my work, but frankly it makes over-the-top stress for me. I would have quit long ago if we didn't need it because work, homeschooling, and ongoing medical issues is a recipe for overload. I hit June and was almost in meltdown. Thankfully I'm refreshed now and doing better because I don't work in the summer.

[speedmom4]

Wow! Thank you all so much for the responses so far. I thought for sure many people would tell me to suck it up, buttercup! I've been telling myself all year that I'm just weak for not being able to handle it all.

 

My son's emergency surgery has just brought everything into much clearer focus. I appreciate each one of your comments.

[regentrude]

Wow! Thank you all so much for the responses so far. I thought for sure many people would tell me to suck it up, buttercup! I've been telling myself all year that I'm just weak for not being able to handle it all.

 

My son's emergency surgery has just brought everything into much clearer focus. I appreciate each one of your comments.

 

It is very rare for us all to agree on something; take that as a sign from the universe :)

[Heatherwith4]

I'm going to agree with everyone else and say quit. :)

[PeacefulChaos]

I would only keep the job if it is not a source of stress (the unpleasant kind).  

 

In your situation, that doesn't seem to be the case, so no, I wouldn't keep it.

[OneStepAtATime]

Agree with the others, in your situation I would quit in a heartbeat.  The church can find someone else and you are giving them weeks and weeks to look if you quit now.  At this season in your life your children/family need you more.  Absolutely.

 

If you found you needed the additional income later on you might consider professional tutoring.  More control of hours/days worked.  Most tutors in our area charge $30-$85 an hour, depending on their areas for tutoring.  

[KungFuPanda]

What would it do to your stress level if you got a cleaning lady in once a week? Personally, I'd rather spend my time on my part time job than on scrubbing the bathrooms. Would taking heavy cleaning off your plate ease the burden? You might even have a parishioner who needs a cleaning job. Heck, have your college-aged kids step up and treat cooking/housekeeping as a job and 'pay' their college fund for it. It doesn't have to be extreme . . . "On Monday, you do these 10 chores, it'll take about three hours, and cook dinner for the family." Give another kid Tuesday. They deserve to learn how to manage their living quarters and to cook for themselves and you don't really learn that when you just pitch in occasionally.

 

5-10 hours a week outside of the home doesn't seem like a lot for older kids to absorb. There are four adults in your house. You shouldn't even be trying to juggle it all yourself.

[speedmom4]

What would it do to your stress level if you got a cleaning lady in once a week? Personally, I'd rather spend my time on my part time job than on scrubbing the bathrooms. Would taking heavy cleaning off your plate ease the burden? You might even have a parishioner who needs a cleaning job. Heck, have your college-aged kids step up and treat cooking/housekeeping as a job and 'pay' their college fund for it. It doesn't have to be extreme . . . "On Monday, you do these 10 chores, it'll take about three hours, and cook dinner for the family." Give another kid Tuesday. They deserve to learn how to manage their living quarters and to cook for themselves and you don't really learn that when you just pitch in occasionally.

 

5-10 hours a week outside of the home doesn't seem like a lot for older kids to absorb. There are four adults in your house. You shouldn't even be trying to juggle it all yourself.

They do help a tremendous amount while home but oldest is in college out of state. The next one will be in college 3 hours away.

 

It's not just the 5-10 hours away from home. The other 10-15 hours are spent working in my home office. I'm expected to be available in very short notice. I'm constantly thinking about what I need to do. My son could have died or suffered permanent damage. It all happened while I was working. I wouldn't have been able to live with myself if something worse had happened.

 

Thanks for advocating for the other side!

[HSmomof2]

I can certainly relate - I recently started a part-time job, working 3:00-7:00 a.m. five days a week (this means we have no childcare expenses). I have provided in-home childcare (two days a week) for years, but this is my first out-of-the-house job since my oldest was born.

 

It is so much harder than I expected. All that you mentioned, I have become aware of: needing to have my children pitch in more around the house, realizing our typical diet has changed and not liking some of those changes, having a hard time fitting in school and losing quite a bit of quality time for each doctor's appointment and other hiccup that comes up, the constant stress of trying to keep up with housework and feeling more stressed that I am always behind (I do not think well with mess and clutter around me). For us, the extra money is needed, so we have to make it work. I am surprised to see my husband stepping up to the plate a little more, but it is so discouraging that I can hardly take time to rest or do anything for myself, especially when I feel so stressed about all that needs to get done.

 

If I were in your situation, I would quit the part-time job. It sounds like it is adding too much stress to you and your family's homelife to make it worth it. Your church can find someone else who will also enjoy the work but can fit it in better with what else they have going on in their life. I think in this case, you need to put your family first.

I'm in a very similar situation. I'm working because we need the money. In OP's situation, I would quit the job.

[AK_Mom4]

I would put my family first - and my family includes me.   If you don't need the money and you and your family need more time together, then give your notice and be generous in your offer to help train the new hire and to answer questions to help smooth the transition.

[MercyA]

I absolutely and without question recommend that you quit. I feel sure you will be very relieved you did. There is no reason in the world for you to feel guilty about it.

Edited July 2, 2016 by MercyA

[StephanieZ]

Absolutely disregard the impact on your employer/church. Do what is best for you and your family. Period. End stop.

 

From what you wrote, it sounds like what is best is to quit the job. If that's right, then that's what you should do. Of course, give them some notice, help them replace you, give up to 30-60 days (ideally reducing hours meanwhile), but leave, for sure, if I'm right in my interpretation of your original post.

[alisoncooks]

I've worked for our church 2 different times as a paid employee.  It's very hard to walk away, even when it's right to do so.

 
One thing I will say:  if you quit, please make boundaries about what you are willing to do as a non-paid volunteer.  I found that I was asked to continue on in some capacity, "just until we can get a replacement" -- which often turns out to be working for free. :p  Just know your limits if you go that route. 

[Ellie]

On the one hand I just want out but on the other I feel like I will be letting my Church down.

 

 

Your church will find someone else. Your family will not.

[KungFuPanda]

They do help a tremendous amount while home but oldest is in college out of state. The next one will be in college 3 hours away.

 

It's not just the 5-10 hours away from home. The other 10-15 hours are spent working in my home office. I'm expected to be available in very short notice. I'm constantly thinking about what I need to do. My son could have died or suffered permanent damage. It all happened while I was working. I wouldn't have been able to live with myself if something worse had happened.

 

Thanks for advocating for the other side!

I can see both sides of the argument. However, I'm reading it like you're putting some serious Super Mom pressure on yourself that nobody could live up to. Your youngest is a teenager. It's too much to expect to have your eyes on your high schooler all day. If something had happened, and you hadn't even been home, it still wouldn't be your FAULT.

 

I have a disabled high-schooler myself, so I get that the standard of care is different, but you can't be physically and mentally WITH four kids around the clock through adulthood. Caregiver fatigue is REAL and sometimes having work that isn't related to your home and family can shift your gears and keep you fresh and alert.

 

Think about what you'd like to be doing in five years when your nest is nearly empty and you're no longer homeschooling. Would you enjoy this job then? Or do you actually not care for the work? Work gets harder to find as you age, and if you like this job and it's a good fit, it might be worth riding out this rough patch.

 

If it's not a rough patch, and just a bad fit all around, you might want to map out your next phase in life and start taking baby steps now to get there.

 

Of course it's all just my outside opinion and may not apply to you at all. I'm in this phase of life myself, so it's on my mind. Dd begins her sophomore year of college next month and Ds will be a tenth grader.

[73349]

I agree with the Hive: it's time to quit. You're not happy with how this is working for yourself & your family; the pay isn't worth the constant stress.

 

 

My church actually doesn't even allow members to be considered for paid positions because working for their own congregation causes relationship issues and inner conflict for so many people.

Edited July 2, 2016 by whitehawk

[speedmom4]

Updated in original post.