Are grandparents that important?

[Jean in Newcastle]

This is a sincere question. I see many threads (including some going on right now) that detail the angst of having grandparents involved for long periods of time, or at frequent intervals. And always someone will say something to the effect that since the grandparent-grandchild relatonship is so special, we should bite our tongue and nurture it. And generally (except for obvious disfunctional situations that are harmful the children) everyone seems to agree. So I want to know - why is this such a hard and fast presupposition? And is it really true?

 

Here is the background behind my question. I did not grow up knowing my grandparents (we lived 3000 miles away from both sets). I got presents and cards from them at birthdays. And visited them every 4 years while they were alive but their absence from my life really didn't seem to impact me.

 

Currently - my own children have good relationships with both sets of grandparents. Dh's parents live close by. My children talk to them and see them at holidays but really there isn't a particularly special bond there. They treat them as politely as they do any of the older people in our Assisted Living Ministry. But they do have some very special bonds with some adults from our church - due to the special grace and interest that these people show my children. My parents live much farther away - we only see them every 3 years or so. But my children have a closer relationship with them than they do with dh's parents - because they show them special interest as people (not just as grandchildren). I don't know if that makes sense - one interest is personal, the other is because it is expected due to genetic proximity!

 

So I ask again - are grandparents that important? And should we do everything in our power to nurture that "special relationship" - or at least the expectation that there should be a special relationship?

[Remudamom]

Good grandparents are important. Neutral/bad grandparents aren't.

[Jennifer3141]

Good grandparents are important. Neutral/bad grandparents aren't.

 

:iagree:

 

We're lucky. We've got one good set and one neutral/bad set. We simply don't see the neutrals ever.

 

Jen

[Sharon H in IL]

Family is an opportunity for a special bond. Heaven knows that it doesn't guarantee it, or provide any sort of genetic imprinting on how to make it happen.

 

Dr. Laura said we have two chances in life to have a good parent-child relationship. If we have it as a child, it was a gift. But if we didn't have it as a child, we get another chance to have it from the other side, as a parent.

 

Seems to me that is true of grandparenting as well.

[Academy of Jedi Arts]

YES yes, a million times yes. Do my in laws do things exactly the way I would? No. Do we agree all the time? No. You know what, that's GREAT because it gives dd a look at life from a whole new perspective and lets her see a different way of doing things. They have seen so much more happen in the history of our town, state, and country than I have. They can tell dd about her long dead relatives. There is SO much dd gets from her grandparents.

[Harriet Vane]

This is a sincere question. I see many threads (including some going on right now) that detail the angst of having grandparents involved for long periods of time, or at frequent intervals. And always someone will say something to the effect that since the grandparent-grandchild relatonship is so special, we should bite our tongue and nurture it. And generally (except for obvious disfunctional situations that are harmful the children) everyone seems to agree. So I want to know - why is this such a hard and fast presupposition? And is it really true?

 

Here is the background behind my question. I did not grow up knowing my grandparents (we lived 3000 miles away from both sets). I got presents and cards from them at birthdays. And visited them every 4 years while they were alive but their absence from my life really didn't seem to impact me.

 

Currently - my own children have good relationships with both sets of grandparents. Dh's parents live close by. My children talk to them and see them at holidays but really there isn't a particularly special bond there. They treat them as politely as they do any of the older people in our Assisted Living Ministry. But they do have some very special bonds with some adults from our church - due to the special grace and interest that these people show my children. My parents live much farther away - we only see them every 3 years or so. But my children have a closer relationship with them than they do with dh's parents - because they show them special interest as people (not just as grandchildren). I don't know if that makes sense - one interest is personal, the other is because it is expected due to genetic proximity!

 

So I ask again - are grandparents that important? And should we do everything in our power to nurture that "special relationship" - or at least the expectation that there should be a special relationship?

 

If those grandparents are basically decent people yes, they get special privileges.

 

If they are sinful people who will pull your children into sin (direct or indirect) or harm them in some way, no, they get no privileges with my children. It is possible to honor them as parents without exposing your children to harm. It is important here to define harm as real, tangible harm, whether that be spiritual, emotional, physical.

 

Sometimes it's not that cut and dried--people fall on a spectrum, and the way we choose to relate to those people is based upon their choices. We may restrict their privileges in some areas and not in others.

[Doran]

Yes, grandparents can be THAT important. But, like any relationship, the bond can't be forced. It can be nurtured, certainly, which is what I believe respondants are considering when they recommend that children be given every opportunity to spend time with their grandparents. The ultimate intimacy and importance of the relationship depends on all the parties involved and the dynamic that evolves between them.

 

Children at age 10 may not appreciate who their grandparents are as much as they could at age 15 or 20. Grandparents may or may not connect with younger children the way they might older ones. Nevertheless, IMO, it would be foolish to not create opportunities for the relationships to develop, for it is the history they experience together which could coalesce into a beautiful partnership later on.

 

It may never happen, despite our efforts to nurture. But, it surely won't happen if the seed never gets planted, watered, or fed.

[elegantlion]

I grew up without a relationship with my grandparents. The only grandma I saw was the alcoholic one who was always getting divorced. I do feel like I missed out. One set had 25+ grandkids by the time we came along so I was just one of the bunch, the other grandfather had nothing to do with our family.

 

I have done a lot of genealogy research and it bugs me to no end that I have to ask my parents about information about my own grandparents. I never had the grandmas lap to sit on.

 

My ds was born on my mother's birthday. We moved away and all he wants to do on their birthday is go see them. We spent a lot of time cultivating a relationship with them before we moved. He is Grandma's buddy. I know there are things he tells her that he doesn't feel comfortable telling us. I hope she continues to be a support system for him as he gets older.

 

I know I could have used someone to talk to like that as a teenager when I thought my parents were aliens. someone to say, "they love you", "they're good people".

 

I'm in funky mood so I hope this comes across okay. But yes, to me it is a vital relationship, but it has to work both ways. My MIL cares and loves about ds but she has always stated she raised her kids and doesn't babysit. :001_huh:

 

My parents would call and beg us to bring ds down for a visit, not us, ds. It warmed my heart in many ways.

[iquilt]

I agree with the confusion; we also grew up over 3000 miles away from all extended family so I still don't have a context for how it's supposed to work with my own kids. I have many cousins that I've never met or have only seen once in my 35 years on this planet. I have grandparents who barely remember me because they had other grandchildren who grew up next door and they simply know them better than myself. DH's parents are huge into being grandparents, but they don't tend to want to actually do anything with the grandkids. We are expected to be there (several states away) several times a year for obligations, but then they put the grandkids in front of the TV all day if I don't step in and take the kids out somewhere fun. My parents are not so demanding and they actually play with my kids when we are together, making it easier and more fun for the kids to get to know them.

 

The short of it is, I believe they can be very important in a child's life, but not necessarily just by virtue of being a grandparent. There is more work required to make the relationship worthwile and special.

[Doran]

The short of it is, I believe they can be very important in a child's life, but not necessarily just by virtue of being a grandparent. There is more work required to make the relationship worthwile and special.

 

 

Yes, to be a special grandparent, you have to find a way to connect with the kid(s) -- whatever that is for whichever child. Again, though, as parents I think it behooves us, and maybe more importantly our children, to try to allow for opportunities. And, in the end, you can lead a horse to water....

 

As a totally unrelated aside, everytime I see your screen name, iquilt, I read it as "iGuilt" and think to myself, "Now there's a great sounding new computer product!" Like a Jewish Mother in a box. ;););) So glad you have an appropriate avatar to bring me back to reality. :tongue_smilie:

[Laurie]

But my children have a closer relationship with them than they do with dh's parents - because they show them special interest as people (not just as grandchildren). I don't know if that makes sense - one interest is personal, the other is because it is expected due to genetic proximity!

 

?

 

I understand this completely. I think your situation is harder, though, because you live closer to the more "distant" grandparents.

 

In situations like this, I think it's helpful to look at the relationship that the grandparents have with their own children to see if they act the same way...not necessarily "cold" but certainly more "formal" . If you're not used to this particular style it does feel like the person is distant/uninterested. You kind of have to take the lead...as in volunteering a lot of information about the dc because they're not going to ask you (or them) about anything! Of course you then run the risk of being thought of as someone who talks too much. (Don't ask me how I know...)

 

My mom was a "fun" grandma. I still remember her down on the floor playing with kids when she was in her late 70's! A friend's child once remarked to my dc, "Your grandma is fun to play with. My grandpa just lets me play with his cane."

[JFSinIL]

My kids have a local grandma (mil) who always talks to them asks about them, babysat them when they were small, etc. Her hubby, the grandpa, pretty much ignores the kids.

 

My dad, across the country in California,. phones and talk to the kids (and me) several times a week, and I wish we were closer so he could be more a part of their lives. My California mom has always preferred to talk about herself than ask about the kids. Even when I had twin toddlers and a newborn would she, on visiting to see the new baby, give me a half-hour break? No..."I don't babysit". nuts to her!!!

 

Between my dad and my mil, the kids have two caring, interested grandparents.

[fsunolefan]

We have struggled with this question ourselves. My husband is not very close to his family and therefore, my children are not very close to his parents. It is sad to me that his parents do not show an interest in the children, but I don't believe that it is my children that lose out. I believe my job is to make sure there is nothing hindering the possibility of a realtionship between my daughters and their paternal grandparents.

 

My children do have a wonderful relationship with my parents. What I observe about the uniqueness of this realtionship is that there is a different quality to their interaction. My parents just purely enjoy my children. As parents we always have to consider the resposibilities of raising the children and preparing them for life so we are always "on duty". I believe grandparents come in with the goal of merely wanting to be in the moment with the child. They are not worried or stressed or watching for teaching moments. There is no burden of responsibility. We bought my father a shirt once that says "Grandpas are dads without rules". It is such a wonderful thing for my children to have someone they can turn to who only sees them with love, joy and wonder.

 

We are blessed that their are other adults in their lives who have a similar love for my children. Maybe I'm a bit biased, but their light seems to shine a little brighter for their grandparents.

 

So I guess, nurture the grandparent realtionship if it is there. Nurture the other adult relationships if those are available. I believe as long as they have adults in addition to their parents nurturing them and cheering them on they will not be missing out.

[Tess in the Burbs]

for our situation I felt it was important so we moved back east to be closer. but there are so many issues that will never be worked out that I wonder if we should go back where we liked it better ;)

 

my kids have relationships with all the grandparents but none live near by so we now have a computer with camera set up to chat with them. it helps but I do wonder if they saw them more often how much better it would be.

 

I think family is who you make it. if your kids have adults they love in their life then it's ok. I am learning that it's more important to enjoy the people you have in your life to lament over ones you don't.

 

but yes, if they are around an effort should be made to foster a relationship but unlike friends you can choose....you are stuck with the biological family and sometimes they aren't nice people you would want to know!

[Peela]

. My parents live much farther away - we only see them every 3 years or so. But my children have a closer relationship with them than they do with dh's parents - because they show them special interest as people (not just as grandchildren). I don't know if that makes sense - one interest is personal, the other is because it is expected due to genetic proximity!

 

Same situation here. Dh's parents show very little interest but live in the same city. My parents, who live on the other side of Australia, are very interested and loving to the kids and relaly appreciate them. they jsut dont see them very often.

 

Actually, I dont mind the way it is. Dh and I have very different values to his parents and prefer our kids dont spend much time with them anyway. We have built our own extended family of people with similar values. Ds12's music teacher is more influence on him in a grandmotherly way that any of his grandparents.

 

I tend to just accept it as it is. Ideally, the grandparents would be involved and care deeply, but if they dont, they dont. I dont go out of my way to foster grandparent relationships for my kids, although I myself had close and loving relationships with all my grandparents apart from one grandfather, who is still alive and since I grew up has become much closer to all the family.

Times have changed. Most of us dont have the same values as our grandparents. I hope I can be flexible enough to be a good grandparent though, one my grandchildren can relate to. I think having an open mind as well as an open heart is the key to that.

[CactusPair]

It depends on the grandparents.

 

I think about my paternal grandpa every day and he passed away 20 years ago. I still dream about him. He lived down the street from us for much of my childhood and took care of us. Before my grandparents moved close, we visited overnight almost every weekend. My paternal grandmother has been much more active in my life than my father (her son). When my dad got custody of my brothers as teens, he promptly moved them out of his house and down to my grandmother's. She raised my brothers and always opened her home to us. Always, no matter what. She is the standard bearer for unconditional love.

 

We spent a lot of time with my maternal g'pnts. too. My brother married his ideal woman, someone just like our maternal grandmother.

 

My dh lived with his maternal grandparents in their house with his mom. His grandfather was his father figure. There are no words in any language to describe the love and bond between them. Dh's grandfather was the most important person in his life, and in many ways still is, though he passed away many years ago.

 

My own dc are close with both grandmothers, but not as close as I wish they were. My mom works a lot and dh's mom lives quite a ways away, though they do visit her at least once or twice a month and stay all day. They love her to pieces.

 

Unfortunately, my dad doesn't want anything to do with the grandparent role. It tears me apart and bewilders me.

[Kathy in MD]

There is so much to be gained from grandparents and extended family that I pity anyone how didn't have that relationship growing up. And yes, I had both a set of good gp's and "bad" gp's and I learned a lot from both sets.

 

The grandparents will have a different perspective on things, and that's good. They can relate to my ds about family history, world history and the things I did wrong when I was their age (it proves that I wasn't perfect then either, and that dc aren't horrible, hopeless individuals when they're in trouble). They can provide a sounding board to older dc and help them understand their parent's rules and act as a go between with the parents when needed.

 

Yes, I do believe that there are times when parents DO need imput from a concerned party that is not tied up in the day-to-day struggle that child raising sometimes is. Many here disagree veheminently, but gp's with tack are great for this. I've seen it in my extended family and with my dm. I still miss not having her available for consulting for child care issues AND her telling me at times that I'm blowing it.

 

Unfortunately, my ds wasn't able to see his gm weekly or even monthly like I was able to, but we nurtured the relationship as best we could, often taking my mother on vacations with us. I think one of the photos I value the most is of my ds and mother sitting around our camp just talking seriously.

 

I'm now hoping that my ds's one remaining grandparent will move near us so he can develop a better relationship with her.

[lovemyboys]

Good grandparents are important. Neutral/bad grandparents aren't.

 

Well, I grew up with both kinds. Maternal grandparents were interested, loving, and involved. Paternal set was old-style, more formal and much more interested in their lives than anything to do with us (we were probably seen as messy and noisy). We saw and knew maternal side much more even though they were an hour away and paternal side was in our hometown.

 

So I had the good ones and the neutral ones. And they were ok. I would agree that if you have bad ones they aren't important for your dc and may be awful for you as well.

 

But you may find, as I did, that the neutral ones just need a different approach or maturity (on both sides?). They had no interest or inclination to relate to us when we were little but we were able to grow a relationship when I was in my teens, they had slowed down a bit and I was more interesting to them, I guess.

 

Anyway, my point is that I wouldn't write off the neutral grandparents just because they're not too keen on tiny babies or sticky toddlers or even rambunctuous 7 year-olds. They might come around in time.

 

I'm thankful that we were able to get to know each other, because my paternal grandfather died pretty young, not long after I got married.

 

ETA: Forgot to add that dc are fortunate to have excellent grandparents. My folks especially are amazing -- travel to see us wherever we live, keep in very close and thoughtful touch with dc, really make an effort to know them. It's wonderful to see, and we really appreciate them.

[G5052]

I tend to just accept it as it is. Ideally, the grandparents would be involved and care deeply, but if they don't, they don't.

 

I wished for great grandparents for our kids when I had my firstborn, but DH's parents both died when our children were very young and mine have always lived far away and are now battling major health problems and dementia. So they haven't had that.

 

Actually, I didn't have that either, but I've been blessed with many older mentors over the years. My "best bud" now that I call with all my deepest sorrows is 87 years old. I can't imagine what it will be like without her, but I know that time will come. Hopefully our children will find older mentors too.

[brasilmom]

Good or bad I think can be all relative. My in-laws always made a big fuss when we lived in FL. Now we live closer and still when around my child they really do very little interaction. My fil normally just snoozes on the sofa and my mil is busy with all the stuff she has to deal with. My dd is severely allergic and it gets me that they are always playing it down. Their house is extremely hazardous as far as my dd is concerned, so I no longer spend the night there and visit for very short period of times. My mil is rather oblivious and not fit for babysitting an allergic child. I do not think they are bad, but just too careless in that aspect. My mother is overseas and get to see my child once a year or so. Not much, but they always seem to enjoy each other while together. I think the child can take whatever is worth out of it. Ultimately it is the parent decision on how the child will be raised. That's the only thing I make it very clear about.

 

Be well

 

Miriam

[Parrothead]

I saw my grandparents a handful of times growing up. My dad was in the military and we never lived close. Yeah, it might have been nice, but I really don't think I missed much.

 

Now my dd is growing up thousands of miles away from her grandparents. As a family we don't see it as much of a big deal. Of course my mom would like us to be closer, but we can't. Life goes on.

[Aubrey]

My great-grandfather just passed away a yr or so ago. He lived through the Depression, fought in WW II, & survived the New London school explosion.

 

He fell in love at first sight, eloped on New Year's Day, & spent over 70 yrs married to his sweetheart.

 

He sold a car to buy new clothes, cut hair at the first Tx State Fair, & told the guy selling stock in Blue Bell to take a hike.

 

He had to run the family farm when he was 10 because his dad was ill. He started his own business, complete w/ a bank loan, before he was 14.

 

He lived nearly 100 yrs, travelled all over the world, knew all kinds of people, & he loved me. Just because I was me. I was his. But even more because I loved him. Just because he was him.

 

I see grandparents as bridges. Their memory reaches back to the stories they heard their grandparents tell. Ours reach forward to the stories we will tell our grandchildren. First hand, second hand. And we can see the patterns of who we are emerge. We can embrace that, & we can rise above it.

 

Friendships based on interest are good, too, but they're not the same. To some degree, even the tiniest fraction of a degree, they're self-serving. We got to choose, you know? We chose the woman who could knit & not the one who crochets, maybe.

 

Which is fine for friendships, but I can tell you, once what they have to give is gone, no one but family (hardly) sits beside the bed of a man who no longer has anything to give, who no longer has any interests to share. I don't think anyone else would know how to flip through a photo album of strangers & pretend to know them, because the owner thinks that the pictures are family.

 

The friendships w/ older people are very, very special. They're not the same. It's like the difference between an older friend & a parent. They can both be special, but they're not the same.

 

And, fwiw, all grandparents aren't created equal. You'll connect more w/ some than others, because of inherited traits, life experience, location, etc. But missing out on the relationship w/ the ones you *do* connect w/? That's tragic, imo.

[Wendy In KS]

I think every family is different. I think having active, good grandparents is kind of like having a best friend. Is it important to enjoyment of your life? No, but it sure is great when that relationship is there.

 

We are super-blessed to live within 10 min of both sets of grandparents who are awesome and get along not only with us, but with each other (no stupid jealousy between them). I think one of the reasons why we were so lucky was that we became parents as teens (17 and 18) and our parents knew they needed both our support and their support together to raise the best family we could.

 

My kids each have different relationships with each granparent. Some of them connect with each set differently, but with five kids and four active grandparents, any "favoritism" gets balanced out.

 

I think good granparents are important not only for the relationships they have with their grandkids, but also how they help my relationship with my dh. We learn from watching our parents grow old together, but most importantly, we've never had to pay a babysitter (nor could we ever had afforded to) because of our parents. Both sets frequently watch the kids to let us get a break- even have sleepovers. Our parents spoil them just enough while we're gone :D

 

They are also helpful when we're overbooked- three kids needing to be in three different places, or when I'm sick (both my mom and my MIL have flexible schedules) or want to run one kid to the dr. without dragging all of them.

 

For the record, I grew up distant from one set of grandparents (emotionally- only later finding out they were both alcholics), super-close with a grandma who had a stroke and was never the same when I was 13, and not very close but still visited and for the most part enjoy hanging out with my still going strong 97 year old grandpa.

 

Whew. That was a book. I feel very strongly about the importance of granparents in our family.

[8filltheheart]

Like all the other posts, I think the individuals involved make a difference. However, I don't think location/frequency matters all that much.

 

My kids have great memories of my parents, especially my dad (again.....the person b/c my kids hardly ever saw my dad. My mom lived with us for over a yr after my dad died before her death). We love playing games in our family and my dad would play seriously competitive card games with them. Same with my dh's grandfather. He plays poker with the kids and pretends to take it extremely seriously. They love it and eat it up. The memories are precious and they talk about them all the time even though they only see/saw them once every couple of yrs.

 

On the other hand, my kids view dh's parents quite distantly. Dh's parents play favorites (did with their own children and the children of those children are "their world") We don't say anything, but my kids see it and form their own opinions. For example, we were visiting one time and one of the other grandchildren was having a birthday and MIL was making all sorts of party favors, talking about the party she was helping with for other child, etc. Dd turned 13 withing a few days and didn't even get a b-day card. :(

 

The relationships are what grandparents make them. I think that grandparents have the ability to influence the lives of their grandchildren in a very positive way. I hope that one day my children are gracious enough to allow us to be involved in the lives of their children.

[Mom to Aly]

Grandparents are wonderful--my grandmother on my mom's side was one of my fave people ever, I absolutely adored her, and she, me. I never knew any of my other grandparents.

 

But, that doesn't mean someone else can't take the place of a grandparent. My mom and daughter are very close; but my xh's parents are nuts, plain, old, nuts--horrible to her, just as they are with everyone, and don't really see her now (have made zero effort since he and I split, and, even when they did before, hurt her feelings, and were nasty and judgemental--and that was when she was 4!).

 

But, you mentioned your kids had special relationships with older people in your ministry; I don't see why they can't be as good as a grandparent. I grew up with a close friend of the fam, who we called our aunt; we were closer with her than any of our aunts, who all lived far away.

 

Blood ties does not make for a special relationship; caring and respect does.

[Jean in Newcastle]

YES yes, a million times yes. Do my in laws do things exactly the way I would? No. Do we agree all the time? No. You know what, that's GREAT because it gives dd a look at life from a whole new perspective and lets her see a different way of doing things. They have seen so much more happen in the history of our town, state, and country than I have. They can tell dd about her long dead relatives. There is SO much dd gets from her grandparents.

 

I'm so glad that you get that long-term perspective from them (I think Aubrey mentioned this too). In our case, we've tried to get the grandparents to participate in some family history projects and they've been remarkably resistant to participating! They're reactions have been the "oh, that stuff isn't interesting!" kind. Which is weird since we're begging them to tell us the stories!

 

But we did have a neat break-through with my dh's parents last year. They took us to the Philippines (their home country). We got to meet lots of family but also went to many WWII history sites. That was very meaningful - not just because we are history buffs - but because my MIL grew up in Bataan where she witnessed the Bataan Death March. And my FIL grew up in Lingayen where MacArthur landed to retake the Philippines from the Japanese. But their family stories aren't the warm fuzzy kind, just because of what they experienced in their life.

[Kathy in MD]

My great-grandfather just passed away a yr or so ago. He lived through the Depression, fought in WW II, & survived the New London school explosion.

 

He fell in love at first sight, eloped on New Year's Day, & spent over 70 yrs married to his sweetheart.

 

He sold a car to buy new clothes, cut hair at the first Tx State Fair, & told the guy selling stock in Blue Bell to take a hike.

 

He had to run the family farm when he was 10 because his dad was ill. He started his own business, complete w/ a bank loan, before he was 14.

 

He lived nearly 100 yrs, travelled all over the world, knew all kinds of people, & he loved me. Just because I was me. I was his. But even more because I loved him. Just because he was him.

 

I see grandparents as bridges. Their memory reaches back to the stories they heard their grandparents tell. Ours reach forward to the stories we will tell our grandchildren. First hand, second hand. And we can see the patterns of who we are emerge. We can embrace that, & we can rise above it.

 

Friendships based on interest are good, too, but they're not the same. To some degree, even the tiniest fraction of a degree, they're self-serving. We got to choose, you know? We chose the woman who could knit & not the one who crochets, maybe.

 

Which is fine for friendships, but I can tell you, once what they have to give is gone, no one but family (hardly) sits beside the bed of a man who no longer has anything to give, who no longer has any interests to share. I don't think anyone else would know how to flip through a photo album of strangers & pretend to know them, because the owner thinks that the pictures are family.

 

The friendships w/ older people are very, very special. They're not the same. It's like the difference between an older friend & a parent. They can both be special, but they're not the same.

 

And, fwiw, all grandparents aren't created equal. You'll connect more w/ some than others, because of inherited traits, life experience, location, etc. But missing out on the relationship w/ the ones you *do* connect w/? That's tragic, imo.

 

This was beautifully said!

[Jean in Newcastle]

In situations like this, I think it's helpful to look at the relationship that the grandparents have with their own children to see if they act the same way...not necessarily "cold" but certainly more "formal" . If you're not used to this particular style it does feel like the person is distant/uninterested.

 

Boy, does this resonate with me! Dh's parents are funny. They don't interact or show interest in the daily details of life (and didn't with my dh when he was growing up either). But they do try. They will swoop in a few times a year and will shower the kids with gifts - often totally inappropriate gifts that are clearly recycled. But they do love the kids dearly. But what is sad is that they don't really realize that for my kids it is the interest in the daily details that you build the warm fuzzies on. My dc can be very affectionate but not with dh's parents. I've had to require them to at least allow Grandma and Grandpa to hug them just out of respect for them as grandparents. But that is so sad to me that I have to do that.

[Jean in Newcastle]

 

Yes, I do believe that there are times when parents DO need imput from a concerned party that is not tied up in the day-to-day struggle that child raising sometimes is. Many here disagree veheminently, but gp's with tack are great for this. I've seen it in my extended family and with my dm. I still miss not having her available for consulting for child care issues AND her telling me at times that I'm blowing it.

 

.

 

I wish that I had that good input. But my MIL did not raise her own children. She had an older spinster sister that gave up all of her own dreams to raise her nieces and nephews (for all of the family). When I was pregnant with my first -born MIL told me that as soon as I had the baby I could go back to work and she would raise my baby for me. I said "no thank you." And I'm glad that I did because she did not know the basic stages of baby development, her house was dangerous for my children, she often went against our instructions for food for our allergic children. . . She has been much better with older kids.

 

I wish that I could consult my own mom for child care issues but my mom is severely hard of hearing. She can not hear me on the telephone. And she refuses to get devices that would help her to be able to communicate, or to e-mail. She does write occasional letters. But she doesn't usually respond to mine!

[klmama]

So I ask again - are grandparents that important? And should we do everything in our power to nurture that "special relationship" - or at least the expectation that there should be a special relationship?

 

If the grandparent is an individual that you love and respect, and whose influence on your child would be positive and welcomed, then I do think trying to cultivate a special relationship is important. However, if that individual is someone whose very poor choices in life would likely have a negative impact on your dc, then cultivating that relationship would be counterproductive. With grandparents who live far away, I do think keeping them in the loop regarding what is happening with the dc helps them to feel more connected, which in turn encourages them to reach out to the children more than they might otherwise.

[KidsHappen]

Yes, to be a special grandparent, you have to find a way to connect with the kid(s) -- whatever that is for whichever child. Again, though, as parents I think it behooves us, and maybe more importantly our children, to try to allow for opportunities. And, in the end, you can lead a horse to water....

 

As a totally unrelated aside, everytime I see your screen name, iquilt, I read it as "iGuilt" and think to myself, "Now there's a great sounding new computer product!" Like a Jewish Mother in a box. ;););) So glad you have an appropriate avatar to bring me back to reality. :tongue_smilie:

 

I always read it as I Quit! Sometimes I think to myself that I wish that were an option.

[Frankie]

Are grandparents important? That's a great question.

 

My mother died before my son was born. She was a hands-on, spoil -'em-rotten type grandma. She also was a grandma who insisted the mothers didn't know what they were doing and was constantly calling children's organizations to discuss all the horrible things here daughters were doing to their children.

 

Truthfully, there was some honesty in that, parenting skills weren't that good, but my Mom's passive aggressive behavior did not help anything.

 

When I brought my son home from the hospital, I sat nursing him thinking of my mom. I loved her dearly, but I remember it just hitting me: I'm so glad that she is not here because I will not get the scorn that he had dished out to my sisters.

 

To this day I still believe that. She would have been livid about the homeschooling.

 

So, it was a bad deal.

 

Now my Dad was a great grandpa. He wasn't a lovey-dovey kind of guy, but he really cared about his grandkids. He had a special bond with my son because dad was an engineer for the Union Pacific railroad for over 40 years, and my son had a serious love of trains. We saw Dad once a year. My son adored him.

 

My son and I drove two days to help him with surgery this past spring. A couple days after the surgery, he had a heart attack at his kitchen table. In front of my son and I. My son was so brave, helped me get Dad to the floor, and participated as I started CPR. It effected him profoundly.

 

After Dad got out of the hospital from his heart attack, he was moved to a skilled nursing facility, we had to go home. As Dad got worse, Thomas and I went back to visit. I hadn't wanted to take Thomas because I felt it was just too much emotionally. He insisted. He LOVED his Grandpa.

 

We stayed two and a half weeks until my Dad passed. My son visited every day, asked Grandpa lots of question, and the two just enjoyed each other's presence.

 

My son wouldn't have had it any other way, showed amazing maturity, and really just loved his Grandpa. He misses him greatly.

 

The bond they had had a great influence on my son's life.

 

For what it's worth, my Dad HATED homeschooling, but had the grace to not say that in front of my son. lol

 

Now my husband's parents are/were a different story. I don't think my husband's father, a man of few words, said three words to my child his entire life. I think that Grandpa liked my son, but there was just nothing. When he passed, it was the first memorable funeral my son attended. It was the concept of death that he learned from, and he didn't so much mourn his Grandpa because there was no relationship.

 

My MIL? She doesn't even ask to speak to Thomas when she calls. One time when all the grandkids were at her home, she got them all an ice cream cone but my son. When my son saw them all with ice cream, he went in and asked his Grandma for one. She said, "I'm tired, if you want ice cream, ask your mother."

 

I overheard the entire thing, grabbed my husband and told him what happened, and my DH made a very loud showing of getting our son ice cream. He was making a point to his mother.

 

So, in that case, the grandparent thing is detrimental.

 

My cousin, who is my best friend in the world, is my son's true Grandma figure. When we visit, she takes him in the kitchen and bakes pies. She talks to him. She shows interest in him. She makes him feel special. It warms my heart. I do think every child needs "someone special" and my Dad was his male someone special, and my cousin is his female someone special.

 

When DS was in public school, they used to have grandparent day. All kids invited their grandparents. I hated it! it was unfair to those children whose grandparents didn't live in town. My Dad couldn't come, and my hushand's parents we didn't even bother to ask.

 

So I don't think it's a grandparent thing. I just think it's great for every child to have a someone special besides their parents in their lives.

[Kate CA]

We will be grandparents some day to our own grandchildren - how will you want your children to respond to this question?

 

I think what Sharon and Aubrey have to say is very important to remember. I am far from a perfect mother and I will likely be far from a perfect grandmother. What makes a "good" or "bad" grandparent? Certainly there are some things that are clearly in the bad category, but there are things that I would disagree with in their character or decisions my children's grandparents have made, but that does not negate the importance of the whole person. It also does not negate the importance of their influence and their love to our children--even when they are very different from us.

 

My own grandfather was the only real father I had. He loved me just for me - with all my faults and ugliness. He is the only dead person in my life that I miss to the point it hurts. I feel blessed that at least one of my children was able to know him. I would have been a different person were it not for the stability of my grandparents growing up. They were the only stable relationship in my life! They were a gift of God to me.

 

We are not islands and were not created as such. There is great value family relationships - even if we have to seek to find it.

[Amy in Orlando]

We will be grandparents some day to our own grandchildren - how will you want your children to respond to this question?

 

I think what Sharon and Aubrey have to say is very important to remember. I am far from a perfect mother and I will likely be far from a perfect grandmother. What makes a "good" or "bad" grandparent? Certainly there are some things that are clearly in the bad category, but there are things that I would disagree with in their character or decisions my children's grandparents have made, but that does not negate the importance of the whole person. It also does not negate the importance of their influence and their love to our children--even when they are very different from us.

 

My own grandfather was the only real father I had. He loved me just for me - with all my faults and ugliness. He is the only dead person in my life that I miss to the point it hurts. I feel blessed that at least one of my children was able to know him. I would have been a different person were it not for the stability of my grandparents growing up. They were the only stable relationship in my life! They were a gift of God to me.

 

We are not islands and were not created as such. There is great value family relationships - even if we have to seek to find it.

 

Oh Kate, you said this so beautifully.

 

When I was growing up, I always thought of my grandmas as the grandmas in the comic strip "Family Circle." My mom's mom was the one that heated up pies. My dads' mom was the one who gave all the cousins a GIANT serving bowl of ice cream while we watched Carol Burnett. As a kid, I loved them both and loved spending time with them. Sure, they were different, but that was OK.

 

When I was in my 20's my parents were more open about their lives growing up. I'm so glad they didn't share this information with me when I was a kid. My mom's mom was always kind of glamorous (to me as a kid at least) and she died when I was 25 - shortly before I got pregnant with my first son. I was devastated. Since junior high, she'd been my guide through the world of fashion, dressing well for no money, and all of that. She was so good at it. She was definitely a person that was better with older kids - my mom says this as well recalling her childhood.

 

My paternal grandparents? They were SO much fun when I was a kid. There were few rules, there were always cousins running wild, there was no bedtime. My Grandma Liz, like me, was a night person. She'd sit up all night dissecting Nancy Drew or watching an old movie. My grandfather? Not so nice. When we were kids we put it down to him having no teeth, but I just think he had a brutal life and at the end of his life, felt no sympathy for "these grandkids" who had such soft lives. I know from talking to my cousins, we all loved going over there. We were all much older before we learned about what life was like when our parents were kids. Scary stuff. That any of our parents even talked to their parents is amazing.

 

I figure it's a stepping stone kind of thing. We all learn from our parents and we're made better or we are just like them. With my own kids, we have a great balance with my parents - they live about 1/2 hour away. They're involved but not big about offering opinions. Dh's family? I could (heck I have) write a book about them. They do not speak to us. When they stopped talking to us, all but my youngest son, figured it our for themselves. It's a shame, dh's parents are missing out on some great kids.

Edited September 26, 2008 by Amy in Orlando

[FlockOfSillies]

I am SO BLESSED that my kids have two sets of grandparents only 5 minutes away. Putting aside the free babysitting, :D both my folks and dh's folks love my kids to pieces. They know the kids well, and the kids know them well. My grandparents on both sides were only a few hundred miles away, but I never really knew them. I met them a couple of times, but that was it.

 

I still have problems with my parents sometimes (mostly my mom, who has "issues" -- ahem), but having grandkids around has been wonderful for them. They've had to work on things in their lives they wouldn't have had to otherwise. They really appreciate having access to the grandkids, since they weren't able to see my nephew that much when he was a kid.

 

I'm hoping that what my kids will learn through having a close relationship with their grandparents is to respect their elders -- not just the old-fashioned cliche, but to really see them as *people* with hopes and dreams, successes and failures. People who earned their wisdom the hard way -- by experience. The time is coming soon when we'll be called on to serve them as their health begins to decline, and one of my fondest hopes is that my kids will step up to the plate willingly and eagerly to help take care of these people who have loved and doted on them so much.

 

So in answer to your question, I guess it depends. Good-but-flawed grandparents are worth their weight in gold. The bad ones are tragic, IMO, because they are missing out on one of the great blessings and rewards of old age.

[sagira]

We (dh and I) are lucky that ds and dd have great, caring, loving and available grandparents. Dh's parents live just half an hour away. My mom lives in Aruba and she comes to visit twice a year. To me it's so special seeing her interact with the grandchildren and I see a strong bond developing between the kids and the grandparents.

 

I think caring grandparents are priceless, especially if you're a close family. As much as we care about our friends, family is paramount to us :)

[bkpan]

We have struggled with this question ourselves. My husband is not very close to his family and therefore, my children are not very close to his parents. It is sad to me that his parents do not show an interest in the children, but I don't believe that it is my children that lose out. I believe my job is to make sure there is nothing hindering the possibility of a realtionship between my daughters and their paternal grandparents.

 

My children do have a wonderful relationship with my parents. What I observe about the uniqueness of this realtionship is that there is a different quality to their interaction. My parents just purely enjoy my children. As parents we always have to consider the resposibilities of raising the children and preparing them for life so we are always "on duty". I believe grandparents come in with the goal of merely wanting to be in the moment with the child. They are not worried or stressed or watching for teaching moments. There is no burden of responsibility. We bought my father a shirt once that says "Grandpas are dads without rules". It is such a wonderful thing for my children to have someone they can turn to who only sees them with love, joy and wonder.

 

We are blessed that their are other adults in their lives who have a similar love for my children. Maybe I'm a bit biased, but their light seems to shine a little brighter for their grandparents.

 

So I guess, nurture the grandparent realtionship if it is there. Nurture the other adult relationships if those are available. I believe as long as they have adults in addition to their parents nurturing them and cheering them on they will not be missing out.

 

 

Very well said, and ITA.

 

My grandparents were priceless, and I think had a pretty profound influence on my life as well as my brother's.

 

That said, I might turn it around. Are you going to be okay if you and your dh are "unnecessary" in your adult children's lives?? If they really have no interest in nurturing any relationship between you and their dc?? I know that I wouldn't be. I plan to be as involved as my dc will let me. Dh and I want to be an absolute support and help to our grown dc. And I can't wait to be a grandma (in the VERY distant future, lol).

 

Kim

[fsunolefan]

 

That said, I might turn it around. Are you going to be okay if you and your dh are "unnecessary" in your adult children's lives?? If they really have no interest in nurturing any relationship between you and their dc?? I know that I wouldn't be. I plan to be as involved as my dc will let me. Dh and I want to be an absolute support and help to our grown dc. And I can't wait to be a grandma (in the VERY distant future, lol).

 

Kim

 

I is not our decision that the paternal granparents are not involved. We have merely decided to respect their choice not to be involved. My husbands father and stepmother have tons of grandchildren and even great grandchildren that live withing 5 miles of their house. They really have no desire to come visit us and when we are down there (approximately once a year) our kids are just lost in the shuffle. No quality interaction there. They do have a good time, but mostly because they get to see their cousins. My husbands mother and stepfather are a different story. They do not really like children and have stated this very specifically. My husband was not raised by his mother and really has no bond with her (lots of issues there).

 

We encourage realtionships as much as we can, but ultimately it is up to the grandparent, in our opinion, how much of a realtionship they have.

 

The flip side is that my parents are going to be moving up from FL to SC to be closer to their grandchildren in retirement. I see myself being this type of grandparent much more than the other.

[3lilreds in NC]

I grew up basically next door to both sets of my grandparents. I had one grandfather who was quite toxic, but I adored the other grandfather and my grandmas. I cherish the relationships I had with all of them. One of my grandmothers is still living, and I'm so thankful that my kids are able to know her. I don't think Schmooey will remember her, but I think the girls will, and that's so precious to me.

 

Both of our parents are wonderful grandparents. They all live in MI. My ILs can afford to come often and are retired, but they have been quite horrible to me so their time here is limited. They are, however, wonderful to my children, and the girls adore them. They get down on the floor and play with the kids, and have from the time they were babies. They talk on the phone every week after the girls' horse riding lessons, and when they come they take the girls to stay at the hotel with them and take them to do all kinds of fun things. It gives me a nice break (although I do miss the girls) and I don't have to see them much.

 

My parents are still working and don't have the time off to come as often as they'd like. They love to spend time with the girls, though, and especially now that they're a little older my dad will take them fishing and stuff. My mom has been wonderful with them since they were born.

 

Because I had wonderful grandparents, it's important to me that my children have that. We're so blessed that both sets are interested and involved! As much as I do not like my inlaws, I'm thankful that they are loving grandparents Sadly, they've really distanced my nieces, and I think the day will come for my kids too, but for now they are very close.

 

Ultimately, though, we have to let people make their own choices. It's been very difficult for me, at times, to accept that some family relationships are not what I'd like. I've come to see, though, that I can't make anyone have a relationship with my kids they don't want, and my kids aren't the ones who are missing out because they don't know any different. I can't imagine living with disinterested or actually unkind grandparents; that would break my heart. Gosh, now I'm starting to feel warm fuzzies towards my inlaws (!) because they really are good to my kids, and I forget that all grandparents are not created equal. :)

[Aubrey]

Someone said their gf was the only father they'd had. I wouldn't go that far for myself, but my gr-granddad did walk me down the aisle. W/ all the fighting between my parents, grdad was like a refuge, like water.

 

[Laura Corin]

Good grandparents are important. Neutral/bad grandparents aren't.

 

My own mother is not interested in being very involved in the children's lives - that's her choice, and I respect it. My parents-in-law would love to be more involved, but they are elderly, very frail, and in another world much of the time. We visit them all, send them letters, but we don't expect the children to have a strong relationship with them.

 

Laura

[Danestress]

I think it's hard to predict whether their grandparents will be important in their lives. My parents would definitely have said that my paternal grandparents were not that important to me, but now that I am an adult, I get to say that I think in many ways, that was a choice my parents made, and not necessarily a good one.

 

I don't think it's just about "how much to my grandparents like me" that makes them important. I had a set of grandparents who were extremely reserved and not demonstrative. I can't remember them every saying they loved me or hugging me.

 

And like your children, there were other older people in my life who were far more demonstrative and interested in me.

 

But as an adult, I would still say that my grandparents were important. It's not all about me and how much I "got" from them in terms of time, attention, love, approval or anything else. My grandparents were a witness to the past, a model of aging and dying, and the keepers of information about my own parents. I would give just about anything to be able to sit down with them today and talk to them. In many ways they were a negative example - an example of how I don't want to interact with adult children, how I don't want to live my life, how I don't want to die. But nevertheless, they had that influence. And the other people who were nicer than my grandparents? Well, they were important to. You don't need blood relations to be important.

 

But grandparents are different. I do feel more connected to them. Their story is my story, and even though my parents didn't really value their story, it's still my story and I wish I knew it better. I really wish my parents had tried harder to help me know that set of grandparents and to understand them. They were flawed people, but I could have been helped to understand why. I wish I had understood more what depression is and how it affected my grandmother. I wish my parents had helped me understand that my GF had a drinking problem and what the affect of that was, and had cultivated an attitude that we love people despite their faults. I know now that my mother was sort of selfish. She found my grandparents difficult to be around - irritating and depressing, and so we didn't really embrace them into our lives. We saw them, but kept an emotional distance, and while my grandparents were comfortable with that emotional distance, I think my mother could have done more to cross it. I would have learned a lot by seeing her try harder to reach them. but I guess I learned a lot anyway.

[mrsdash]

My grandmother was my rock. She was my example of what a wife and woman should be. My mom, to my children, is a big kid- lots of fun and they spend every other weekend at her house. My ex-husbands mom and dad live 900 miles away and are nothing but faceless gift givers by mail. They don't keep in touch and just send the few obligatory gifts during the holiday season and birthdays. So I will agree with the posters who say it depends on what kind of grandparent they are. My kids could easily do without the long distance nonsense, I know it hurts them more than anything else.