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Studid things you learned not to do from experience. Humorous thread.


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Always do a head count before you pull out of the driveway! I don't think I need to explain how I learned this or why this would be important, lol.

 

And/or always check with dh when you're driving two vehicles that one of you will take the dc, and which one of you that will be. :001_smile:

 

Don't put rice in the crockpot at the beginning of the beef/tomato stew. You will get pink glop otherwise.

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Do not keep backing up and hitting something, over and over, thinking (for no reasonable reason) that you are hitting a log and will eventually just go over it. After all, an SUV is a *truck*. Look in the rear view mirror, just on the off chance a log is not stopping you. Have a cup of coffee before you get in the car in the morning. Maybe 2-3 cups.

 

It was 5 a.m., and I was going to a prayer meeting. There were no logs in the area. The "log" was DH's car, which he had parked behind mine for the first time ever.

 

A month or two later, I forgot about the mailbox at the end of the driveway and knocked it down with my car. Luckily I didn't roll right over it and take out whatever is underneath the car because I barely felt a thing -- in fact, I barely tapped the stupid mailbox. The big problem was that I sort of squiggle down the driveway instead of backing up straight (not by choice, by inability) and I squiggled too much in the wrong direction.

 

Then there was the time I caught the stove on fire. I called the fire department and was so panicked that I couldn't remember my name and address. I had to find an envelope with that info on it and call the fire department back.

 

I caught the stove on fire another time when I was cooking breakfast for DH. We lived in a high-rise apartment building. DH told me to go get the guy at the front desk in the lobby. I ran to the elevator, remembered that I didn't have on makeup and ran back to the apartment. It took several attempts to get me out of there before DH found a fire extinguisher on the wall right next to our apartment door.

 

I learn every lesson twice. That time, my FIL told us what to do next time that happened. What a wasted lesson, because it never happened again.

 

 

RC

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When you see your dh walking around the wooded yard with a can a lighter fluid, do not assume he's a big kid and can handle making a fire without hurting himself.

 

There really is a place in North Carolina where the road simply ends. It's over the top of a mountain, past the scary looking house with all the dogs (think Deliverance). The couple on vacation from England behind you only assumed you knew where you were going. Being brave Americans we drove on the "path" for several miles, English couple following closely, until we found civilization. I'm sure the other couple is still talking about our adventure.

 

If you have 2 side mirrors on your car please make sure they will both clear the garage door before backing up. (knocked the same mirror off three times at one house)

 

Do not attempt to cut a wiggly boy's hair while you are both mad.

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I was laughing so hard that my kids all came to the room to see what in the world was going on.

 

Oh and I remembered another one. Do not buy frozen fish and then leave them in the car in Texas in the summer.

 

Oh, my that must smell. Also make sure your neighbor's kids doesn't leave an opened cheese stick on your mini-van seat during a Texas summer.

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I have some. If you are going snow skiing for the first time in your life, and the lower bunny slopes are closed, and you have to ride a lift thing up to the higher bunny slopes, remember before you get on the lift that you have a horrible fear of heights.

 

When you reach the higher bunny slopes, make sure you know how to stop before someone gives you a shove at the top.

 

Before your dh drags you up to the %#$^ bunny slopes, someone should tell you that you are expected to ski down by yourself, even if you've never skied before, and the slopes are like something out of a ski competition to get down.

 

And here's my last bit of advice. When your dh is trying to drag you down a (red?? black??) slope, if you sit on your donkey and absolutely refuse to move. one. inch. the ski patrol will come up and get you and bring you down on a little sled thingy.

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Don't bother giving "fair warning" to your pre-teen boy when you find a huge hornet nest attached to the horse shed right near where he has to go to grain the horses. "Stay away from there!" translates, in Kid Speak, to "Kewl! I gotta throw rocks at THAT!"

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And lastly how about using a microwave to "slightly" warm a cold lizard. This was dd7's suggestion to save the lizard which instead resulted in spatter of a whole new variety in the microwave. I won't take the blame for this one, it was all her's, lol.

 

 

A LIVE LIZARD??!?!!??!

 

I think I'm gonna puke!

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When you're at a HUGE outdoor Christian festival and have to use the port-a-potty DO NOT trust your friend to hold the broken door closed for you....especially when there are lines and lines of people waiting and the first person is a guy. He WON'T step forward to close the door for you--in fact NO ONE will, so you'll have to stand up, lean out of the port-o-potty and grab the door yourself. Note: You will run into front-of-the-line guy everywhere you turn for the rest of the day.

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If you forget something as you're backing into the driveway, don't pull back into the garage unless you are certain you haven't hit the automatic garage door button.

 

If you back into a wall with the car, be sure you've slammed it into drive rather than park-reverse in quick succession. Otherwise you'll hit the wall again, but much harder this time.

 

If you use the broiler to toast bread crumbs...watch them closely.

 

Barb

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Make sure you know where the bathroom is when visiting your new in-laws for the first time. Do not simply waltz through the most likely looking door and switch the light on. :leaving:

 

 

Ummmm....I keep waiting for you to share the rest of the story. It sounds like it's probably pretty good! Was this the middle of the night, or do they have a secret dungeon, or what?

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Sooo, I guess if Jen can tell us about stripping in the men's room....

 

I can really "come out" here and share my embarrassing story.

 

I recommend two things:

 

1) don't drink

2) have a box of tissues

 

I've come to understand that this is FUNNY.

 

The commissary (grocery store) where we lived when I was pregnant with Lori had an issue with their customer handicap bathroom stall. Soooo, I had an arrangement with the manager to take my vast belly into the employee restroom....because:

 

That same commissary, before they fixed their handicapped potty I always had to go after shopping. ALWAYS. So, I'd take my almost 3 year old ds in with me while the bag lady waited iwth my stuff. By this point they all knew me and I almost always got the same lady. (BTW, I tip well...so they didn't mind waiting.)

 

Here I was about 30 weeks and measuring about 36 weeks...I walked into the stall.

 

Leaning my hands on the stall walls and belly over the potty, I turned my size 14 hips...I really was all baby and my hips were HUGE (for me). So, with the TP holder digging into my right side, I start to pull the door past my left side. But, my hips must have grown in the past week since I went shopping, because after it got past my arms only I can't get it past my hips. Hmmm, okay so I tried to back the door up...only you can't pull in that direction while leaning foreward.

 

I really really really had to pee. My bladder started having spasms. Not funny.

 

Sooooo, I tried to back up. But, I couldn't get my arms back. So, now...let's be sure that we all have a good picture of me in your mind. My son, standing behind me so that he can stand just outside the door is staring at my rather large rump. My hips and rump, about the only part of me that you can see well of at this point has a TP holder jammed into one side of it and the door into the other side. Now, I'm in tears.

 

(Of course at this point in the typing of this I'm in tears LAUGHING...)

 

I tried everything. I tried having my son help me, not much help at 23 lbs. I finally lost it...and did NOT want to pee my pants. I asked my shy, quiet around strangers son to go out of the bathroom, but not too far and ask the bag lady to come and help me.

 

The boy walked to the door, slllllloooooowwwwlly opened the door and yelled, "MOMMY'S B*TT IS IN THE POTTY DOOR." And, then ran back in.

 

They thought it was a joke. No one came.

 

So, I sent him again.

 

AND, when I heard the door open I screamed, "HELP!!!!!"

.

.

.

.

. Do I really have to go through the extraction story?

.

.

.

.

.

First the bag lady came in....think little old Philippine lady.

 

Then, she went out to the manager on duty, who was waiting outside the door to be sure that it was okay for him to come into the ladies restroom came in.

 

Theeeennnn, the base firemen came in....they just happened to be there shopping for that night's dinner. Aren't I the lucky one.

 

I can say that one of hte first things out of the lead fireman's mouth isn't as bad as it sounded then. But, I was NOT peeing on myself no matter WHAT they said.

 

He said, "Well, if you can't hold it, go ahead."

 

NO WAY!!!! (a few deleted words there for piety sake)

 

So, the firemen started to take the door off. ONLY, it was so wedged into my hips that even when the pins were taken out of the hinge...the door stayed put. Sigh.

 

Their next thought was to "oil" me. Thankfully someone thought to unbolt the wall holding the door hinge from the floor, before any oil came around.

 

It took them about 5 minutes to get the door off the hinge, and I STILL had to pee!!! AND badly!!

 

The fireman who was nearest turned his back and "became" the door for me and asked everyone else to step back. LOL, I think he had a few kids!! And I went, trying very hard not to look at this fireman's butt... it was a cute butt (thinking back), but I wasn't amused.

 

Okay, I'm leaving this thread now.....I'm laughing and very embarassed...again.

 

Kris

:rofl::rofl::rofl::001_rolleyes::smilielol5::blink::laugh::laugh:

 

Thank you for sharing this!!! I laughed so hard and so much it took me several minutes to get through the story. You wrote it so well, what talent.

 

Ava

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Here is my very important holiday lesson:

 

If you watch the Sound of Music, the night before Thanksgiving, while peeling 8 pounds of potatoes, don't get so wrapped up in the movie that you absent-mindedly put the peelings down the garbage disposal. It will clogged your sink and your dh and neighbor will have to work for an hour to clear the drain.

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Do not check to see if the oil in the pan is hot enough by dipping your finger into it. :001_smile:

 

Make sure the handy dandy timer with a magnetic backing is not stuck to the potato pan before putting it into the oven. The timer will not beep.

 

Do not follow the magazine's suggestion for spin-drying lettuce wrapped in a towel on the air cycle of your dryer. It does not stay in the towel. :glare:

 

Do not try to sterilize an old-fashioned, under-the-tongue thermometer by dipping it into boiling water. The mercury shoots out the top and rolls around the floor in little balls.

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Do not check to see if the oil in the pan is hot enough by dipping your finger into it. :001_smile:

 

Make sure the handy dandy timer with a magnetic backing is not stuck to the potato pan before putting it into the oven. The timer will not beep.

 

Do not follow the magazine's suggestion for spin-drying lettuce wrapped in a towel on the air cycle of your dryer. It does not stay in the towel. :glare:

 

Do not try to sterilize an old-fashioned, under-the-tongue thermometer by dipping it into boiling water. The mercury shoots out the top and rolls around the floor in little balls.

 

OH MY! Lettuce in the dryer! :lol::lol: handy dandy timer! (I've tried cleaning those thermometers, myself...not fun)

 

But, really...lettuce in the dryer! What a riot!

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Ah yes, regular soap in the dishwasher. Very bad. Very, very bad.

 

If, however, you ever find yourself in that particular situation, all you need to do is add a capful or two of liquid fabric softener to the water inside the dishwasher to make it stop. It really works.

 

And, since I haven't seen it yet:

 

DO NOT assume that the woman who LOOKS 7 months pregnant is pregnant and congratulate her on her pregnancy and ask when her due date is. Trust me... she's not pregnant.

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Oh, my goodness, the laughter and the tears... and the "What's so funny, Mama?"

 

1. When you're trying to back your car out of your (rather narrow) driveway, make sure the rear end of your car is well past your husband's truck before you crank the steering wheel.

 

2. Don't take your sewing machine apart unless you let your dh see how you do it.

 

3. If the window won't close, don't try to force it.

 

4. Noodles in olive oil fly right out of the pan onto the floor if you trip when you're turning around to put them in a bowl.

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Oh my, I'm laughing so hard!

 

My contributions:

 

1. If you use a towel to wipe up the half gallon size of bubble liquid your two year old dumped on the wood floors you should not

a) add Murphy's soap and hot water to clean it up, and

b) need to add Tide to the washing machine when you wash above mentioned towel.

 

2. Excessive bubbles in the washing machine can cause the cycle to stick, running the wash cycle for three hours. The agitation makes more bubbles.

 

3. Vacuum cleaners do not like bubbles.

 

4. If your dog runs into the house looking very suspicious, don't let your child open the fridge at that moment.

 

5. It takes a long time to clean dead bird cooties out of a fridge after your dog has presented you with such a gift. (This is from a story told to me by my friend Janet)

 

6. Always err on the side of caution and assume the child clinging to the lady is her child...not her grandchild.

 

7. When your child is being sweet and telling the lady in the waiting room at the Drs office that she should take off her hat and scarf because she be proud of her appearance no matter what, remove him quickly before he can screech and tell her to put that stuff back on. (This is from my friend Denise)

 

8. If you think your children are not listening to phone conversations, think again. They remind you that you really don't like that lady much when you speak to her in the grocery store.

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Do not keep backing up and hitting something, over and over, thinking (for no reasonable reason) that you are hitting a log and will eventually just go over it. After all, an SUV is a *truck*. Look in the rear view mirror, just on the off chance a log is not stopping you. Have a cup of coffee before you get in the car in the morning. Maybe 2-3 cups.

 

It was 5 a.m., and I was going to a prayer meeting. There were no logs in the area. The "log" was DH's car, which he had parked behind mine for the first time ever.

 

 

 

RC

 

 

I call it, "Driving While Asian". Ironically, I was at the Asian market and kept hitting the same shopping cart over and over and over again. My son finally said, "Momma, I think you are just going to have to get out of the car and move it."

 

My mom, mom's cousin, my sis, two v. good friends of mine also suffer from DWA.

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  1. If your cat comes to the screen door with a chipmunk in his mouth, do NOT assume the chipmunk is dead... and open the door. :willy_nilly:
  2. If you have a chipmunk in your house, do not let your DC leave "traps" (small pieces of paper with peanut butter blobs on them) ALL over your house, which you will still find weeks later.
  3. If you have a chipmunk in your house, do not try to scare it towards a door - it will find the tiniest place to hide... like inside the floorboards.
  4. To get a chipmunk out of your house, DO ignore your DH, open all the doors, and make all DC stay outside - so that the chipmunk will make a dash for it.

 

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Do not think that mixing warm roast drippings with the flour to make gravy would be a much better idea than using flour and cold water like your mom taught you. The lid of your shaker WILL fly off and the mixture WILL splatter to the far reaches of your kitchen!

 

Don't walk out onto the deck of the house you just moved into in your robe, carrying your 9 mo. old who hasn't had his breakfast yet without checking to see if the door will lock behind you.

 

Don't tell your mom that your older sister let you drink rum and Coke while cleaning the house on a Sat. morning!

 

From my dh:

don't look at the sun with binoculars

make sure you're on the opposite side of the fence from the bull you are trying to shoot w/a BB gun

don't look over your shoulder when you're going down a hill and around a corner on a blacktop w/a steep ditch

 

Chelle

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This happened today:

Don't overbake bakeable clay in your oven, it will melt leaving a huge mess.

 

Don't let your neighbors seeing you shoot raccoons if they think they are "cute" and you should trap them and dump them by the local restaurant.

 

Don't let your husband shoot a raccoon, throw it in your side yard, forget about it, wait two days later because it rained and it's half rotted and is stinking up the whole neighborhood, and your husband thinks that you should bury it, but it smells so bad that you dig the whole and make him do it.

 

Phlox

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  1. If your cat comes to the screen door with a chipmunk in his mouth, do NOT assume the chipmunk is dead... and open the door. :willy_nilly:

  2. If you have a chipmunk in your house, do not let your DC leave "traps" (small pieces of paper with peanut butter blobs on them) ALL over your house, which you will still find weeks later.

  3. If you have a chipmunk in your house, do not try to scare it towards a door - it will find the tiniest place to hide... like inside the floorboards.

  4. To get a chipmunk out of your house, DO ignore your DH, open all the doors, and make all DC stay outside - so that the chipmunk will make a dash for it.

 

 

This one just cracked me up.

 

A few years ago our only cat that used to go outdoors snuck in with a half dead chipmunk. The poor thing was still alive but its back and/or hind legs were broken.

 

DH and I both have a soft spot for animals. We didn't know what to do. DH is a medical doctor. We needed to euthanize this chipmunk. He wasn't sure what the state would think of his writing a scrip for something that would kill a chipmunk plus, we had no idea how much the thing would need. Evidently, if you overdose someone with too much of some kinds of drugs, it can cause excruciating pain. The chipmunk had been through enough.

 

We discussed putting him in the freezer, hitting it with a hammer, or microwaving it, or manually strangling it. Obviously, none of those was acceptable.

 

So we put the cat on the deck, put the chipmunk on the deck and closed our ears to his screams. It was awful. It was the circle of life but it was still pretty awful.

 

But I never will forget my DH standing in the living room and very seriously saying, "If we microwave him too long, he'll explode. Close all the blinds in case I have to strangle it. I don't want the neighbors wondering what we're doing."

 

That would have been the end of my microwave popcorn binges...

 

$400,000 in education and neither of us could figure out how to humanely kill a chipmunk. :glare:

 

Jen

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Do not open a can of paint with dh's wood chisel. Just because wood chisel looks like a screw driver to you does not mean it is one.:o

 

How about kitchen butter knives? I use those all the time for screwdrivers and husband isn't pleased with it. They do work although the cheaper ones tend to bust off at the end. It is a little embarrassing to have company and have your knives all broken at the tip. :glare:

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This happened today:

Don't overbake bakeable clay in your oven, it will melt leaving a huge mess.

 

 

And don't bake air-dry clay at all. Even on the lowest temperature. It stinks. For weeks. And the toaster oven tray is NOT a standard size that is easy to replace.

 

Don't demonstrate the long jump until the dew is off of the grass. You may get a good take-off from the dry sidewalk, but on landing your feet will not stop, and you land absolutely flat. It hurts all week - ankle, back, and head.

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Don't tell a room full of 3 yr olds that it's time to get into their swimsuits without telling them to go to the bathroom first! I was working in a daycare that had a swimming pool & gave lessons. They also had huge glass windows that looked out into the main central lobby. I immediately had 10 naked children running around holding their swimsuits while the director was giving a tour to a prospective family!

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Do not buy the largest size beanbag chairs you can find, which bag is cheaper than the ones you want because the beans are not contained in an inner bag. This means, for one thing, that you cannot wash the outside cover in the machine. From this, you should be smart enough to realize that a disaster is waiting to happen. Do not blithely assume you can spot clean them, because a worse disaster is waiting in the wings.

 

Remember that you have rambunctious kids.

 

The beans are not beans, they are tiny styrofoam pellets. When the bags (yes, plural) split, the pellets go everywhere. Static electricity is a huge factor with trying to get them up. I dare you! :auto: Also, remember that once you get the beans cleaned up from the first bag, the next bag will split open. Go ahead and call the store, arrange your refund, and throw those bags away, full and unsplit.

 

The good news is that J. C. Penney's will give you a refund.

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Well, unfortunately, we also had a dog. An elderly dog. Notice the GLASS that is intermingled in all that cake wreckage. Can you say $1300 emergency vet bill and lots of prayer that said dog didn't die??? :( (dog lived, btw)

 

MVC-035S.jpg

 

I thought of another:

 

Do not, I repeat, do not ride your husband's bike in a rain storm down a gravel driveway with your dog. He WILL dart in front of you, causing you and your husband's bike to flip numerous times and you to slide along the gravel as he licks your face like "what? why are you crying?" I have pictures of THAT too...but I am betting that you ladies do NOT want to see those. LOL

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Well, unfortunately, we also had a dog. An elderly dog. Notice the GLASS that is intermingled in all that cake wreckage. Can you say $1300 emergency vet bill and lots of prayer that said dog didn't die??? :( (dog lived, btw)

 

I thought of another:

 

Do not, I repeat, do not ride your husband's bike in a rain storm down a gravel driveway with your dog. He WILL dart in front of you, causing you and your husband's bike to flip numerous times and you to slide along the gravel as he licks your face like "what? why are you crying?" I have pictures of THAT too...but I am betting that you ladies do NOT want to see those. LOL

 

Ugh - Rebecca - I hadn't considered the glass. Poor dog! Poor bank account. I'm glad your dog survived.

 

I'll vote for a pass on the bike accident photos - Yikes!

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Do not call dh and play a practical joke on him by saying "I'm so sorry honey, I just backed into your new car" and then 2 hours later- actually do it :blushing: terribly embarrasing when you have to convince him that you actually did do it this time.

 

NEVER- leave a four y/o for 2.5 seconds strapped into the (running) van so that you can grab his sneakers (5 steps away). Those little buggers are FAST and will smash said van into garage wall (while 3 older sisters scream in horror). Oh, yeah and never tempt him by saying "now you stay right there" :glare:

 

Do not divide a recipe so far down that you cannot figure out the fractions and therefore create volcano cake in your oven (it stinks -bad and for a long time)

 

 

Never believe the guy at the snowmobile rental place when he says that the trails are suitable for beginners. He just wants to rent one more sled and he will charge you through the nose when you wreck your sled as you careen down the "death slide" :eek:

 

This thread has been a blast!!!!!

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Never try to be a helpful wife and finish the grout on the new bathroom tiles while dh is at work. Taking a shortcut and rinsing the grout sponge under running water in the sink instead of getting a nice bucket of water is a really bad idea.

 

:blink:

 

Shawne in FL

 

 

:001_huh::001_huh::lol::lol:

 

OH NOOOO!!!!

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