How to Declutter When It's Not Your Stuff

[Aiden]

I've been hearing a lot about the Konmari method, and I'm intrigued. I've considered buying the book (on Kindle; no room on the bookcases!), but I'm not sure that I would be able to use the method to any effect.

 

My house is FULL. Overflowing, piles everywhere, boxes in the basement that haven't been unpacked because I've got no place to put the stuff. But the problem I keep running into is that all this stuff that I have to find a place for ... it's not my stuff. When I can't fit everything, I go through my things and get rid of what won't fit. My husband and daughter, however, don't have the responsibility of making things fit, so they don't see any need to ever get rid of anything. For example, our books ... we have 3 shelves of school books that we need for this year; many of those will go away over the summer before we start buying next year's books. I have about 1 shelf's worth of hard copy books that are not for school that I would not be willing to part with (almost all of my books are on Kindle now). My daughter has 2 shelves' worth of books. My husband has 3 shelves. If we end up with more than will fit on the shelves, both of them are perfectly fine stacking books on the dining room table, or on any other piece of furniture with some empty horizontal space.It follows that pattern for all sorts of things--clothes, shoes, movies, sentimental items. If I have "X" amount, my daughter usually has 2X and my husband has 3X. My daughter has a truly embarrassing amount of stuffed animals, all of whom have names, histories, and familial relationships with each other; she's very attached to them and refuses to get rid of any.  My husband has piles of electronic components, sports equipment he never uses, out-of-date training manuals he hasn't looked at in years but "may need someday." I've gotten rid of so much stuff to try to make it all fit, but most of the things that are left are things that I've been told specifically not to get rid of. (We don't even get rid of my daughter's stuff without her ok--my husband was traumatized by that sort of thing as a child and is determined not to do it to her. I agree with him in principle, but I'm at my breaking point.)

 

I know I could purge my clothes some more, and I could use some help with my kitchen stuff--that's all me. We also have a china cabinet full of decorative items, "treasures" that we've picked up in our travels, items that make me smile by bringing back wonderful memories, and I'd be willing to do a lot to make sure we have room to keep and display them (and room for more, since we've just moved to Greece and don't have any treasures from here yet)--and we do have room for them, in the china cabinet, on top of the upper kitchen cabinets, and on a high shelf over a pass-through, places that are good only for display items. (I love them enough to not mind dusting them ... and it helps that I don't mind a little dust  :leaving: ) And my husband agrees with me on those items; he's just as attached to them as I am, possibly more.

 

But the things that are taking over, making the house unusable, many of those are things that none of us use or would even see except that there's no place to put them away so they're just sitting out, making my house one of the most stressful places for me to be right now. I can't even get to our Christmas decorations, in boxes at the bottom and back of the pile. Our last house was similar square footage to this one, but had much more efficient storage space, so I thought we'd dealt with most of this during our two years there. The last couple of months being in this new house, though, have shown me otherwise! I feel completely overwhelmed by things over which I don't have control.

 

Does anyone have advice about how to convince my family to let go of some things? If I just get rid of them without permission, it will be a serious breach of trust. But something has got to give, because I'm drowning here.

[HomeAgain]

Family meeting.  Set a limit together of X number of things each person needs to get rid of.  I do this occasionally for my oldest who has the same problem I do and doesn't "see" clutter.  I mean, we see the mess, we just get so overwhelmed we have to look at one item at a time.

I will say that part of our decluttering has been in reshaping our spending habits.  When we travel, we no longer buy tchochki.  We purchase a single thing that a) helps us remember b) can't be bought elsewhere and c) goes in our home, a place already established.  This means our last several trips we've brought home street paintings, since we can hang those flat on the wall.  My children have brought home coins or pins or something else small.

[3sapphires]

disclaimer - my home resembles your description. . . and I don't know about the Kon-Mari Method, but I intend to find out.

 

I find that *slowly* works on people that have trouble letting go - I have dd 16 look over the books (her item that she keeps) once a month or so, and each time she pulls off 10-15 that she can get rid of. Couple that with the fact that I work at the Library and am there almost every day to check out and return books, so I can therefore discourage more purchases.

 

My problem area is craft supplies. Every time I pull something out of the closet, I try to look at like things and decide if I am *really* going to use them. or decide on a use right there - pinterest can be good for this.

 

I know that it takes a long time to see results like this, but I think of it like weight loss - we didn't accumulate this stuff overnight, and we need to be gentle with ourselves while we get rid of it.

 

Right now, we are having the floors in our house redone, and so had to pull everything out of the bedrooms. DH made a rule that everything has to be sorted and evaluated for use before it goes back. Wish us luck, lol.

 

My dream is empty space on shelves and in drawers. We don't have to fill every space. . .

 

edited to add - sometimes, I will clean off the shelves in advance of new purchases - for example, if I want to learn a new craft I will clean out an old one that I am done with, or dd likes to go to big used book sales - I will challange her to create space on the shelves *before* bringing the new books home. I find that if we wait until after the new purchases are in the house, we tend to just shove them in where they don't really fit. . .

[Slache]

Get the book. :)

[Aiden]

Get the book. :)

 

Is there advice about this type of situation? If so, you may have just sold a copy of the book ...

 

There's no reason to get it in hard copy, is there? I have might-as-well-be-infinite space on my Kindle and ... less than that ... on my shelves!

[Slache]

Is there advice about this type of situation? If so, you may have just sold a copy of the book ...

 

There's no reason to get it in hard copy, is there? I have might-as-well-be-infinite space on my Kindle and ... less than that ... on my shelves!

Yes. It's basically to do your own and your family will be inspired which I keep seeing and hearing is true. I just think the method is the best out there and everyone I know that said that they were KonMari-ing without reading the book wasn't doing it right and didn't have the amazing results I have. I think I would have preferred kindle so that I could have reread my highlights.

[Amira]

A couple of ideas that might help, but it's hard to convince people to get rid of things if they are not the ones actually dealing with them.

 

First, find a place to put things that you don't have control over getting rid of.  I know that you don't have any choice in your storage space, but even if you have to box up stuff and stack the boxes against a wall somewhere, it would allow you to better organize what you do need.  Get the unused stuff out of your way.  When you're getting ready to move again, you can point out that this stuff was never used maybe some of it could be donated or tossed out, but even if that isn't an option, you don't have to let it control your life now.  Just because you are not allowed to get rid of it doesn't mean that it has to be in your way and cluttering up your house.  You can set some rules too.

 

I know it's not the right time for you to do this, but I always take a long time preparing for a move and deciding whether we want to keep each and every item in our house.  If you could do this with your daughter for her stuff and with dh for his, it might help them to see how much stuff they have.  I know that may not be possible because life is crazy at that point, but if you start early, it can be doable.

[HelenNotOfTroy]

Your daughter is young enough that you need to be with her every step of the way and explaining that this is the space for this category (books or stuffed animals or whatever) and there is not room for more. If more are acquired, that amount of space needs to be cleared in that storage category.

 

I don't think the Konmari method is really helpful for decluttering other people's belongings, but there is no reason you need to have the physical book as opposed to the e-book.

[abba12]

The number one thing which comes to mind is to organize what you must keep into something you can live with. So, move things around so that you can get to one wall in the garage/storage room/somewhere. Get a bunch of new, identically sized, boxes. Go get all those training manuals and pack them together into the box, label it, and stack it. Put the electronic equipment in another. Even if you end up with a wall of boxes, it's a neat, organized wall, with everything in it's place, labelled, with same-size boxes so it looks neat. 

 

Get creative about storage. We put all our kids stuffed animals into a bean-bag bag (without beans in it, obviously). Easy to get to, but contained and neat and even functional when not needed. I've seen ideas for tall cages to hold stuffed animals vertically. I even saw someone who hung a fishing net from the roof to hold all the stuffed animals up in.

 

Books, do you have an under-the-bed space? You can get roller boxes which are wide, but short, and perfect for storing books spine-up. They live under the bed, and if you want a book you can just roll it out, open it up to see all the spines, pull it out and return the box. 

 

The key with all of these is that they are organized, neat, out of the way, but easily accessible. The easily accessible part is what will convince family to get on board. DH insisted we had to keep his collection of a particular magazine he was subscribed to for years. But, it turned out, he was quite happy for it to live in a box at the back of the shed rather than on my actual bookshelves. DH felt the need to keep loads and loads of computer components, but as long as he could get to them, a big tea-chest box at the back of the shed was fine.

 

Others have good advice for helping them to declutter and reduce, but, in the meantime, organizing what is there will help your sanity.  

[marbel]

Yes. It's basically to do your own and your family will be inspired which I keep seeing and hearing is true. I just think the method is the best out there and everyone I know that said that they were KonMari-ing without reading the book wasn't doing it right and didn't have the amazing results I have. I think I would have preferred kindle so that I could have reread my highlights.

 

Not to be discouraging, but this has not been true in my house.  The pack rats are not inspired.  But they do keep their stuff (mostly) in their own spaces. 

 

Yes, anecdotal, and opposite of the book.  Perhaps my family is unique in this regard, but... I doubt it.  :-)   YMMV as always! 

 

[City Mouse]

Well, what I have done with my DD is to put her stuff in storage of a while, a long while. Every year, she would help me fill a trash bag of stuffed animal and a box or too of "stuff" and put it in the attic or the shed. She knew where it was so she did not mind. After a couple of years, she was willing to let it go.

But that technique doesn't work with my DH. He was raised by parents who lived through the depression, so anything and everything was saved because it might be useful someday. He has his own spots to keep his stuff. When his stuff starts encroaching on other areas then he has to figure out what to get rid of or how to rearrange.

[Aiden]

Let me know if you find out. I feel we all have too much stuff. At the very least, we should see if there's a way to prevent more from coming in the home. For example, I'm trying to think of items for ds for Christmas that won't take up a lot of space. Consumables are really appealing.

 

Does your dd have a stuffed animal hammock? We have one that is full and most of the stuffed items were given to us. But at least they are up out of the way to an extent.

 

We have two, but they aren't up yet. We don't have the tools needed to drill into these concrete-hard walls, so we'll have one-time help for hanging everything. We have to wait until we figure out where all of our wall art will go, which means we have to wait until all of the furniture is arranged--it's a kind of complicated, time-consuming situation because of the living situation created by my husband's job (living overseas, in employer-provided housing, with employer-provided furniture). I know exactly where the nets are going. We got the jumbo size, so I really hope they'll make a dent in her "baby" collection.

[ErinE]

First, no more stuff. Not for you. Not for DD. You can't tell your DH what to do, but I would let him know that you were DONE with all the clutter and it needs to stop coming in. It sounds like you are the primary caregiver for the home, and it's fair for you to have a say in the amount of things you must clean.

 

I agree with the family meeting. Share your thoughts: too much stuff, house is unusable, the need to de-clutter. There isn't much you can do about your DH, but I would designate (in my own mind) spaces for him. Bedroom-his side of the bed. Bookshelf-the three shelves, and anything more goes on his side of the bed. Office-his desktop. I wouldn't nag, but all his stuff would be out of the communal areas. But you must make sure you are tidying up after yourself first!

 

For the basement, start sorting boxes. This side is family items. This side is items to be culled and sorted. Ask DH to cull a box or two every weekend.

 

For DD, I would talk with her. There's too much stuff in the house. She's limited to five, seven, ten, whichever amount of animals you think you can get away with. The rest will have a new home in a labeled box in the basement. If she misses her friends, she can switch out animals, one for one. If she wants new things, she needs to make room for it. Want a new stuffed animal? An animal must leave the house. New toy? Toys must leave the house. I do this every Christmas and birthday and frame it in terms of making room for all the new gifts.

 

If physical gifts are a problem, let it be known to family that you don't want it. No toys, no stuffed animals, no books. You'd rather have experiences or consumables.

[HomeAgain]

We have two, but they aren't up yet. We don't have the tools needed to drill into these concrete-hard walls, so we'll have one-time help for hanging everything. We have to wait until we figure out where all of our wall art will go, which means we have to wait until all of the furniture is arranged--it's a kind of complicated, time-consuming situation because of the living situation created by my husband's job (living overseas, in employer-provided housing, with employer-provided furniture). I know exactly where the nets are going. We got the jumbo size, so I really hope they'll make a dent in her "baby" collection.

 

Invest in 3M Command hooks.  They are a lifesaver in Europe.  I have every size and just buy new stickies now when we move. 

[Aiden]

Invest in 3M Command hooks.  They are a lifesaver in Europe.  I have every size and just buy new stickies now when we move. 

 

We have some of these, that we use for small wall decorations. It hadn't occurred to me to use them with the nets. I wonder if they'll hold? (One of them will be over her bed, and she's sensitive and has nightmares anyway, so you can imagine the problems if it let loose during the night ...) Maybe we'll try them in the corner *not* over her bed for a few days and see how well that works, so I don't have to wait for everything else to fall into place to get those nets up. We can always have them mounted with screws later if we don't trust it long-term. (Overload will be an ever-present concern, with her collection.)

[Storygirl]

We also have way too much stuff. I haven't developed a system to manage it yet, but I thought I'd share what I'm thinking.

 

Once a week at a designated time (Saturday morning?), every person in the household chooses one possession that they don't need any more and puts in in a donation box. Just one item wouldn't be too difficult. When the box is full, donate it and start another. Over the course of a a year, with three people in your household, you will get rid of 150 items. Because I have six people in my home, we would dispose of over 300 items. Relatively painlessly.

 

You would probably need to do more sorting and organizing. This wouldn't solve all of your issues, but it would get your family in the habit of editing their collections regularly.

[alisoncooks]

We are in a similar situation.  DH comes from a family that borders on hoarding (he has a hard time narrowing things down).  

My children form strong attachment to toys, and we've just accumulated and accumulated these past 10 years that we've lived here.

 

 

It is very discouraging because it is impossible to keep a home tidy when everyone has so much stuff.  Piles in corners, stacks in closets.  We can't get into our master closet because there are boxes there waiting for DH to sort and put away/trash/donate.

 

My coping mechanism is implementing more and more storage ideas.  Those hanging shoe pockets:  hang them on the back of bedroom doors -- they fit Barbies, beanie babies/boos, all manner of smallish stuffed animal.  Youngest DD has a tall plastic clothes hamper in a corner of her room filled with her larger stuffed animals.  YES to 3M hooks...we use them everywhere.  EVERYWHERE (though we've found that they don't stick to certain types/brands of paint...like our new living room paint.  :glare: )

 

We have a bunch of those cube storage systems from Lowes (similar to an IKEA system).  Small toys are kept in those fabric boxes in the system, but sorted into gallon zip-up bags (so all Ninja turtle toys are in one baggie, all 'How to train your Dragon" toys in another).  Legos are a whole 'nother animal, but right now stored on a large flat tray and a big plastic tote.

 

[knoxinsox]

One of the best pieces of advice I ever got was from my sister's MIL.  "Start as you mean to go on."  In her case, it was about her husband removing clothing in the dining room and leaving it there.  Mine was the piles everywhere from my beloved packrat hubby.  I ended up removing side tables, coffee tables, anywhere he could stack stuff.  If he didn't remove it, I did--right into a tub and into storage.  As the home manager, I cannot have all the stuff sitting around--we need a place to eat, do school and sit to relax.  I'm not watching movies on the floor because the couch is full of books for weeks. Yep, BTDT.  I set the rules, because I'm the one responsible for the cleaning.  Sounds hard-nosed and ugly, but this is so I don't go stark raving mad. 

 I've decluttered over 2/3 of our stuff, and none of that was my husband's personal items.  Marie Kondo says you can only declutter your things and hope that there is a trickle-down effect. I have seen a touch of improvement. :-)  He's still grouchy about it, but some of the papers have been shredded.   I had a policy of not going thru his drawers, but finally did it and nobody needs that much underwear.   

I'm a part of a decluttering group on Facebook called Annual Declutter Challenge (via Slow your Home) and its been really helpful.  Many are in your situation, and knowing you are not alone for the process is a big help in staying motivatated when your family is not.

[Sun]

First, focus on your dd. She's young, and she can learn a different way of living. It will be harder and slower with your DH.

 

I'd suggest starting to change how you talk to her about things. Talk about your process of decluttering. When you bring home something new, talk about how much space you have for item category x and how now that you have a new x you'll need to get rid of an old x or two to make room for it. Over time, this will start to seem like the normal way for her. Be patient.

 

She's at an age where she's probably interested in making things pretty and in being responsible for having helped with something. Play on this. "Wow, look at this kitchen drawer. It is way too full. Hmm. I wonder what we don't need. DD, let's go through this drawer and figure out what we can get rid of in here to make this drawer pretty and easy to use." Then get her involved in finding new homes, including the "donate" or "sell" bag and in making the finished result pretty. Use pretty wrapping paper as  a drawer liner, and talk about how you want to be able to admire the pretty paper every time you open the drawer. Smile and comment out loud when you open a drawer or closet you've organized. Talk about how it makes you happy to know that everything has its own place in that drawer or cupboard. You can help her become your ally.

 

I used to use this language with DS, and I think it really helped him. "Do you want to get rid of this item now, or do you think you'd rather get rid of it the next time we go through your closet?" It helped plant the idea that while he's attached to it now, he will be willing to give it up. I would, of course, only do this with things that he really wasn't using at all, had outgrown, or which were actually trash (old wrappers, for example!). Once your DD agrees, even reluctantly, to part with something, get it out the door fast. Don't leave donate bags around because it's just a chance for remorse to kick in. Take it out to the car immediately, if possible. Old toddler toys never look so appealing as they do when they're piled up ready to be donated.

 

Honestly, with your DH it will be harder. My way is not a popular one, but I'll put it out here. I decided I had a right to live in this space too, and I started getting rid of things that he absolutely didn't need or use. I started small with things like old washing machine hoses and outdated software manuals. I told him I had gotten rid of those things because we clearly didn't need them. I started asking in what scenario, exactly, he could anticipate a need for the old, wooden toilet seat with the damaged finish (for example). I chose items where there was clearly no need to save them. However, my DH was not an emotional hoarder; he had just learned to keep everything just in case. If he were an actual hoarder who was emotionally threatened by getting rid of items, I don't know what I would have done. I also commented repeatedly over the years about how we couldn't find item x because of all of the stuff we had that we didn't use or need. I pointed out when we had to rebuy an item that we knew we had somewhere but couldn't find. This helped DH see that keeping everything "just in case" was not helping us.

 

I also started boxing those items up and putting them in out-of-the-way storage. It sounds like you don't have much out-of-the-way storage for putting those things, however.

[Arcadia]

What helps is having sleepover guests. Hubby does a major declutter of his ewaste everytime.

 

Hubby also lets me declutter his stuff since he finds home organization hard. My in-laws just stuff into any space available usually so it takes longer to get things.

 

My kids are used to everything has an area in our home so it is a lot easier for them to find what they need.

 

The pack rats are not inspired. But they do keep their stuff (mostly) in their own spaces.

 

I agree.

What is funny is that hubby doesn't ask our kids to clean up before vacuuming and he just stack whatever is on the floor on any surface. Kids have to unstack and sort after he is done vacuuming.

[lotsofpumpkins]

I'm online right now because I'm avoiding cleaning up my house. I have found that the older my dc get, the harder it gets to declutter. I have 6 dc, so there's so much STUFF around here. A couple of them are very neat. The rest are still learning. The 5-year-old is a tornado. I was just telling the dc this morning that it was so much easier to declutter when they were babies, because they didn't care that I was getting rid of some of their stuff.

 

I do need to take some of the advice on here though, and start with something of mine. I'm in control of the books around here, and I can do some decluttering there. Dh has a lot of books too, but I can carry his piles of books over to his office for him. :) Really, the biggest issue is the toys. With such a wide range of ages, just about every thing we have has SOMEONE interested in keeping it. I keep reminding myself that they are growing up fast, so this isn't a permanent issue. We just need to manage our stuff a little better. I need to teach my youngers how to clean up EVERY evening before bed. I used to stay on top of that with my older dc  when they were younger, but have been slacking a bit.

[TGHEALTHYMOM]

This sounds horrible but South Park has a show dedicated to Hoarding... it is eye opening!  

 

Hoarding is a deep issue.  I have problems getting rid of books, and sentimental items.  It has taken years to get to the point that I resist buying things that we might need and getting rid of things that we have not used in over 1 year unless someone in the house can use it. 

 

Is there a place for everything in our house... probably  not  but we do need more furniture now.  

 

I do what I can and encourage everyone to help give away items or sell items every few months and of course clothes with the changing seasons.  

 

There are many books on getting organized.. one by Emily Barnes taught a simple method: work 15 minutes a day on one space at a time, give away, throw away, and keep 

[Ausmumof3]

We have this struggle too. I am working with the kids with the konmarie method. The big thing with them is to actually let them make the decisions for their space. You might love that pair of cute shoes you bought but it's their space and they get to decide. If they want to keep 500 stuffed animals but don't want the expensive dolls house that is their decision.

 

This has really helped with my kids. They are still messy but they have less stuff that they really don't care about. My ds has kept rocks and odds and ends for making things and passed on other stuff to his lil brother.

 

Dh is harder because he's an adult. Marie recommends giving them their own space that they are responsible for and they get to decide what goes in it. I haven't been able to really do it but I keep piling stuff into DHs cupboard and making it fit. He will get sick of the piles and move it to the shed eventually. At least I have my end clean and clear and the way I like it so that gives me peace.

 

I do agree that reading the actual book was very helpful to me. Is there any chance your dh would read it?

[PrairieSong]

I think dealing with other people's stuff is the hardest part of decluttering! My dh likes to keep stuff "just in case" too, but he also likes a tidy house. Those two mind sets are not compatible. He also does not like to think about the money spent on whatever I'm getting rid of, but I pointed out that we will not get any of that money back by keeping the stuff! It is called a sunk cost. That money is already gone. So...I keep plugging away.

 

In your case, I would sit down with your dh and daughter and tell them how much stress the boxes and piles of stuff is causing you. It isn't fair for you to have to deal with it all. Can the three of you come up with a solution? Whether it is Marie Kondo's method or FlyLady or just "one box per day" or whatever...can you all be a team working together to make your house a home and not a junk pile? It isn't fair for you to live that way. Does your husband honestly think he will use that stuff? Chances are he will use very very little of it, if any, because he won't be able to find what he needs. It will be too hard to look through all those boxes.

 

Sure, maybe someday something you got rid of will need to be replaced, but probably not much at all. It is a small price to pay to get your house back, to make it a welcoming haven.

[Anne in CA]

I ruthlessly decluttered my dh's clothes that he would never get rid of but ere twenty years old and out of date manuals too. I waited till he was on business trips and did it a little at a time. When I got rid of something I got it out of the house RIGHT THEN because all my kids like to look in the trash for interesting stuff. ARGGGHHH. I did it because those things were making it impossible to store seasonal items that we needed, and like your dh and dd he were simply completely unbothered by any amount of clutter.  There was never any amount of clutter that would make dh dump trash.  DH's office gets downright scary before tax season when he as to find things. Then he straightens up. For a while.

 

For your sanity I would box up his stuff that is unnecessary in decorative boxes and stack them neatly. Same with your dd's stuffed animals. They can be stacked in boxes and the boxes will have to live in plain sight and that is probably the only compromise to be had for you.

 

We had many fights over the years about me making him get rid of things with ABSOLUTELY no use. In our last house he filled the shop with junk until it was a health hazard and then it took three huge dumpsters to get rid of it when we moved. He still insisted that we move junk, but I made sure it lives in his space. To me, the ability to live in cleanliness is worth the fight. I always knew he would pick me though. Some people will pick their stuff over you. Really. They will.

 

I think dh and your dd may have emotional weakness in this area. Watching the show hoarders supposedly makes people feel like purging, maybe you could try making them watch? LOL.

[bettyandbob]

Your dd is young enough that you need to work with her to teach and develop her habits. Some people Mae their dc purge before gift giving occasions--to make room for new toys the child might recieve. My dd hasn't gotten new clothing without getting rid of old.

 

Is your dd interested in earning money? My dd sold many toys at a local children's flea market for years. The sale was once a year do a month before the sale shed choose what could go. Another option is a children's consignment shop.

 

I also had a rule that play dates (and later sleepovers) could not happen without purging and cleaning.

 

I'd start looking through dh's stuff. For years dh wouldn't get rid of electronic equipment. I found a schedule of electronic recycling and started putting it in dh's calendar.

[MiMi 4under3]

We put all our kids stuffed animals into a bean-bag bag (without beans in it, obviously). Easy to get to, but contained and neat and even functional when not needed. 

 

 

This is such a practical idea! One twin is a stuffed animal collector and she also has a bean bag. I think I'll empty the "beans" and fill the bag with as many stuffies  as I can.

 

 

 

 

I started asking in what scenario, exactly, he could anticipate a need for the old, wooden toilet seat with the damaged finish (for example). 

 

:lol:  :lol:  :lol: 

 

 

 

 

work 15 minutes a day on one space at a time, give away, throw away, and keep 

 

I love this method!  Learned it from FlyLady, and I'll sometimes set a timer to keep me on task.

[Ausmumof3]

yes, yes, yes!

We have things our baby has outgrown and I am ready to get rid of. He wants to hold onto them "just in case." We went through the same thing with ds and over time I let more and more go, only holding onto the stuff I really liked. I did not regret getting rid of the things I got rid of. I never wanted to buy a separate bassinet for dd. I thought it was a waste of money (since the pack n play serves as a bassinet). But, he told his parents he wanted it and they bought it for us. The baby barely used it and when I brought up getting rid of it he tried to guilt me about how much his parents spent on it. I thought, "we didn't need it!" lol. Now he wants to store it in their attic "just in case." I think we have too much stuff when we're still asking our parents to hold onto things for us.

With stuff like that I can get dh round to it better if I sell it as I then becomes money in the bank.

[Suzanne in ABQ]

Kon Mari can work with family, if you can get them to just focus on one thing at a time.  Marie suggests doing clothes first.  I have had success with my husband in this area.  It had become impossible to fit his clothes into his section of the closet because it was so packed with clothes he never would wear.  Yet, if I just asked him to pull out what he didn't need, he'd say he needed all of it.  So, I pulled out ALL of his pants, and put them in a stack (Kon Mari method).  I then handed him one pair at a time, and asked him if he liked them.  (Kon Mari would ask "Does this item spark joy", but my dh would think that was hokey).  Anyway, he was willing, so we went through the whole stack in less than five minutes, and got rid of half of his pants (the half that had an eighth inch of dust on the fold that rests on top of the hangar).  Another day, we tackled the shirts.  We didn't pile them up because I didn't want them to get wrinkled.  But, he was on board, and we got rid of several shirts. Next up may be old magazines, or maybe books.  That will be tough, but if I take them all out of the bookshelves, he may play along.

 

For dd, we did the same with some of her toys.  I would have her hold each toy and ask herself how she felt when she held it.  She was actually surprised that many of her things just didn't do anything for her anymore.  She was happy to pass them on to bring joy to someone else.  You dd is younger, so she may really not be willing to let go of those stuffed animals.  But, there may be other things she doesn't love anymore.  

 

Read the book.  It's not just a method or formula.  It's a whole different way of thinking about stuff and its place in our lives.  I'm not finished "tidying" yet.  But I can see how it will eventually work for us.  I can imagine how it will be when everything has a place.

[RootAnn]

I do agree that reading the actual book was very helpful to me. Is there any chance your dh would read it?

 

DH was very scornful of the parts of the book that he read. Be prepared for them to focus on the weirdness of Marie Kondo or her obvious un-familiarity with large families vs. the helpful tips she gives. (Marie Kondo was shocked by the large amounts of toilet paper in one person's house - 80 rolls. Girlie, we get over that delivered via Subscribe-and-Save before we're down to 48 rolls. Having a heapin' high stack of toilet paper at all times gives my DH joy.)  :coolgleamA:

 

Unfortunately, as someone pointed out, some people are not affected by your own area being 'joyful' and clutter-free. DD#2 keeps a very tight ship in the room she has now. (She's not currently sharing with any of the other kids.) Everyone admires it, but also thinks they can never do that with their own stuff or keep up that level of cleanliness on an on-going basis.

 

Best of luck, OP. Long-term, they will have to come to terms with their hoardiness.

[Guest]

I ruthlessly decluttered my dh's clothes that he would never get rid of but ere twenty years old and out of date manuals too. I waited till he was on business trips and did it a little at a time. When I got rid of something I got it out of the house RIGHT THEN because all my kids like to look in the trash for interesting stuff. ARGGGHHH. I did it because those things were making it impossible to store seasonal items that we needed, and like your dh and dd he were simply completely unbothered by any amount of clutter. There was never any amount of clutter that would make dh dump trash. DH's office gets downright scary before tax season when he as to find things. Then he straightens up. For a while.

 

For your sanity I would box up his stuff that is unnecessary in decorative boxes and stack them neatly. Same with your dd's stuffed animals. They can be stacked in boxes and the boxes will have to live in plain sight and that is probably the only compromise to be had for you.

 

We had many fights over the years about me making him get rid of things with ABSOLUTELY no use. In our last house he filled the shop with junk until it was a health hazard and then it took three huge dumpsters to get rid of it when we moved. He still insisted that we move junk, but I made sure it lives in his space. To me, the ability to live in cleanliness is worth the fight. I always knew he would pick me though. Some people will pick their stuff over you. Really. They will.

 

I think dh and your dd may have emotional weakness in this area. Watching the show hoarders supposedly makes people feel like purging, maybe you could try making them watch? LOL.

I used to throw my dh's and dad's stuff away in the neighbor's garbage. They were wonderful neighbors.

 

The thing is, my dh's can't find anything anyway so at this point he just assumed he lost something more than that I might have dumped it. And I'm not talking anything that should have been kept for any reason. I do respect his stuff. But honest to Pete, packaging has got to go.

 

Me, I have serious trouble getting rid of anything handwritten.

[PrairieSong]

I suggested selling it (I do think it's worth selling), but he scoffed and reminded me that his parents bought it. Ultimately I think he's thinking, "if we have another kid, I want to know my parents' purchase was put to use again."

 

But if the current baby barely used it, why does he think any future baby might? A good friend of ours surprised us with a homemade wooden cradle when we had baby #5. It was beautiful but we only used it a little bit for three or four months. When that baby was a year old we moved and gave the cradle to someone else who was having a baby. It was a gorgeous gift but not very practical. I know that sounds heartless. I truly did appreciate the thoughtfulness and craftsmanship of that cradle...but we rarely used it. Maybe that sounds heartless but we couldn't see the point of keeping it.

[PrairieSong]

I totally get it. We were loaned a cradle with ds and he didn't like it so it wasn't used. I'm trying not to get too attached to the items because as Quill said in another thread, it seems the longer something is here the harder it is to get rid of. The logical side of me says, "if we have another kid later, we'll just buy stuff when the time comes." We never live anywhere that many years so I think part of me is just thinking, "more stuff to move."

Yes! Babies truly require very little in the way of material things. They can sleep in bed with you or almost anywhere. If you have another baby, you can look for things at a garage sale or thrift stores, and people will probably want to give you baby gifts.

[HomeAgain]

We bought everything for our first.  Two years later we were getting rid of things still in the boxes.  Never even used.

With the 5yo, we thought about the few things we truly needed, bought a few more as we went along, and got most of that small bit used/given to us by friends.  The only things I put on my 'new' list was a car seat.  Everything else was shopped for used, and we didn't get nearly as much stuff as we did the first time around.

[kubiac]

One of the most inspiring articles I've read on the WHY of decluttering:

 

http://www.becomingminimalist.com/stage-your-home-for-living/

[momee]

I will just say once I get serious about it, and start enforcing consequences, children listen.

 

About your hubby, in my humble opinion, he should respect your job enough that he would jump in line and help you help everyone else to set safe and healthy standards for cleanliness and stewardship.

 

This spoken from a daughter of grandmother and mother who were extremely pack-rat-ish in their homekeeping and methods of cleaning were hitting and screaming at everyone when they couldn't stand it anymore.

Trying to overcome those tendencies in my own parenting has taken time.  I have to work alot on myself and work hard to TEACH them methods and keep them accountable, not just gripe when it isn't done.

 

All that to say, the only person I can control is me.  I'd start on your stuff, making lots of comments about how great it is and how different you feel not having all that stuff to maintain.