swimmermom3 Posted October 22, 2015 Share Posted October 22, 2015 My long-time, highly conservative neighbor has been bothering me to go on an outing with her that she thinks will be a "hoot. She is retiring after over 20 years of service in the National Guard and will be returning to the civilian work force and I will be returning to the work force at the end of this school year after nine years of homeschooling. My neighbor's idea is for both of us to go to "Dress for Success" and get personal shopper help in dressing for job interviews. :svengo: She lives in a 3500 sq foot home, has two incomes, and two trust funds; we are comfortable. Why would we go and utilize a service meant for someone with genuine need? For years I have listened to her thoughts on the "undeserving poor." I cannot fathom why this outing is ethically okay. Free lunches are good - only if you are the one receiving them? How do I tactfully tell her "no" and please don't ask me again? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted October 22, 2015 Share Posted October 22, 2015 "Oh, I'd much rather go utilize a personal shopper at Nordies. You have fun though." or "Oh, that service isn't meant for those with resources like us. How about going to Nordies and using their personal shoppers?" or simply "I'm sorry. That isn't the kind of thing I would enjoy or feel comfortable with." 20 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MercyA Posted October 22, 2015 Share Posted October 22, 2015 "No, I'm not comfortable with that. The Dress for Success program is meant for low-income women / women with financial need / disadvantaged women." 9 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PeachyDoodle Posted October 22, 2015 Share Posted October 22, 2015 I don't understand. Why does she think this will be a "hoot"? Free clothes? Just having someone giving her attention? I would be polite, but blunt. "I believe that charity exists to serve those who are unable to afford professional clothing. Since I don't fall into that category, I think it would be better if I purchased my own from a store." I believe some of the higher-end department stores provide personal shopping services, if she wants the attention. :glare: 9 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Squawky Acres Posted October 22, 2015 Share Posted October 22, 2015 I agree with all of the above responses, but am wondering if she just might not understand the mission of Dress for Success. Re-entering the workforce can be daunting of anyone -- regardless of income. After being out of the workforce for almost ten years, I know I have little idea of what is worn in offices these days! She may think that Dress for Success is meant as counseling and style advice for all women, and not understand that it is for lower-income women. I would just guide her towards a personal shopper at a department store, or perhaps an image consultant. 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lady Florida. Posted October 22, 2015 Share Posted October 22, 2015 "No, I'm not comfortable with that. The Dress for Success program is meant for low-income women / women with financial need / disadvantaged women." This, maybe with the addition that, "I wouldn't want to take a spot meant for someone who is actually in need of this assistance." This would be if the numbers are limited. Otherwise, just end it at what Mercy said. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted October 22, 2015 Share Posted October 22, 2015 I think I would be direct. "Do they have paid services for people who are capable of paying? No? Then I don't believe I qualify to use their services. I don't feel it would be ethical. Or were you joking and I didn't pick up on the humor?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lady Florida. Posted October 22, 2015 Share Posted October 22, 2015 I agree with all of the above responses, but am wondering if she just might not understand the mission of Dress for Success. Re-entering the workforce can be daunting of anyone -- regardless of income. After being out of the workforce for almost ten years, I know I have little idea of what is worn in offices these days! She may think that Dress for Success is meant as counseling and style advice for all women, and not understand that it is for lower-income women. I would just guide her towards a personal shopper at a department store, or perhaps an image consultant. Yes, this is possible. Maybe you should try to find out what she knows of the program, then that can help you determine how to refuse her invitation. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted October 22, 2015 Share Posted October 22, 2015 Or "I like that organization's mission. I wonder if there's anything I could donate to them to help people in actual need." 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OH_Homeschooler Posted October 22, 2015 Share Posted October 22, 2015 Ugh, hypocrites are the worst. But assuming she's just confused, I'd say "Have they opened up their services to paying customers? I'd only heard of their services for women in need." Heck, that would be a useful thing to say even if she were just trying to exploit them to let her know you're onto her. And you could also say "No thanks, I'm good." As in, you're not concerned about your own wardrobe so you don't need to shop with her. 9 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted October 22, 2015 Share Posted October 22, 2015 I agree with all of the above responses, but am wondering if she just might not understand the mission of Dress for Success. Re-entering the workforce can be daunting of anyone -- regardless of income. After being out of the workforce for almost ten years, I know I have little idea of what is worn in offices these days! She may think that Dress for Success is meant as counseling and style advice for all women, and not understand that it is for lower-income women. I would just guide her towards a personal shopper at a department store, or perhaps an image consultant. That was my impression. There are tons of programs for military entering the civilian workforce, she may not have realized this one is intended for a specific demographic. I assume the comments on how fun it would be are the personal shopper service, not stealing resources or anything weird like that. Suggest personal shopping services at a store instead. I'd flat out explain why I wouldn't use that group and assume she just didn't know. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TX Native Posted October 22, 2015 Share Posted October 22, 2015 I personally enjoy shopping on my own when I am shopping for something specific. Going out shopping just for fun, buying something at random if I happen to find something I like, is different. If you are like me, you can just say you don't like shopping with a personal shopper. You can state you prefer to shop on your own when you buy business clothes. If you want to still do something fun with her, see if she wants to join you going out for a night on the town or a fun shopping spree for everyday clothes . Responses above are great, this is just another angle. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted October 22, 2015 Share Posted October 22, 2015 Until I read this thread I didn't know what "Dress for Success" is. When I started reading your post I thought it might be for anyone entering the work force. So, I'm with those above who suggest ways to indicate to her that it's for women in need, and not for you/her. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mergath Posted October 22, 2015 Share Posted October 22, 2015 If she thinks it would be funny to go, she's probably aware it isn't for people who aren't in financial need. It sounds to me like she wants to "slum it" for the day for giggles. And honestly, someone who thinks like that isn't someone I'd spend time with again. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted October 22, 2015 Share Posted October 22, 2015 If she thinks it would be funny to go, she's probably aware it isn't for people who aren't in financial need. It sounds to me like she wants to "slum it" for the day for giggles. And honestly, someone who thinks like that isn't someone I'd spend time with again. Why would you assume a grown woman would want to go with a friend to mock people rather than go with a friend and have fun shopping? The assigning of motives seems really odd given the information. Maybe I'm just lucky, but I know NO adult women who would go out of their way to take something from a charity OR denigrate another person who was different from them. Quite the opposite, actually. I don't believe that is atypical. This isn't a 19 year old. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mergath Posted October 22, 2015 Share Posted October 22, 2015 Why would you assume a grown woman would want to go with a friend to mock people rather than go with a friend and have fun shopping? The assigning of motives seems really odd given the information. Maybe I'm just lucky, but I know NO adult women who would go out of their way to take something from a charity OR denigrate another person who was different from them. Quite the opposite, actually. I don't believe that is atypical. This isn't a 19 year old. Because the op said the woman thought it would be "a hoot." Maybe we use that expression differently here, but to me it sounds like the neighbor lady wants to do it because she thinks it would be funny. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted October 22, 2015 Share Posted October 22, 2015 Because the op said the woman thought it would be "a hoot." Maybe we use that expression differently here, but to me it sounds like the neighbor lady wants to do it because she thinks it would be funny. She very well might think it a hoot to get some help getting ready for a job interview, not realizing that this particular help is designed for low income people. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CupOCoffee Posted October 22, 2015 Share Posted October 22, 2015 Why would you assume a grown woman would want to go with a friend to mock people rather than go with a friend and have fun shopping? The assigning of motives seems really odd given the information. Maybe I'm just lucky, but I know NO adult women who would go out of their way to take something from a charity OR denigrate another person who was different from them. Quite the opposite, actually. I don't believe that is atypical. This isn't a 19 year old. This is a person that the OP described as ranting about the undeserving poor, so, uh, yeah, I could picture a grown woman doing that. It's sad, it's disgusting, but there are those who would and do do things like that and think it's funny. OP: you don't have to make any reasons or excuses, just say no. She needs to respect your "no thank you" and shouldn't expect an explanation of why. ~coffee~ 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Garga Posted October 22, 2015 Share Posted October 22, 2015 My vote is for assuming she doesn't know who it's for. I'd tell her, "Dress for Success is a charity organization for impoverished people. We'll have to find somewhere else to go." Wait and see what she says. If she says she wants to go anyway, then you can just say, "I'm not going to do that," and she'll understand why not. If the charity aspect of it was news to her, then you guys can brainstorm other options. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mergath Posted October 22, 2015 Share Posted October 22, 2015 She very well might think it a hoot to get some help getting ready for a job interview, not realizing that this particular help is designed for low income people. I guess the way we use that expression around here isn't just for something fun, but for something that would be silly or mildly ridiculous. Perhaps the op could clarify, because we're obviously getting different impressions from the post. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted October 22, 2015 Share Posted October 22, 2015 I'm so sorry - that won't work for me. repeat as needed. you could add - I'd rather utilize the personal shopper at Nordstrom. (if you want to be snarky on her level - add "and leave the low-income program for those who really are low-income and need the help.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mergath Posted October 22, 2015 Share Posted October 22, 2015 This is a person that the OP described as ranting about the undeserving poor, so, uh, yeah, I could picture a grown woman doing that. It's sad, it's disgusting, but there are those who would and do do things like that and think it's funny. OP: you don't have to make any reasons or excuses, just say no. She needs to respect your "no thank you" and shouldn't expect an explanation of why. ~coffee~ :iagree: Years back when I was still working part time, I had a coworker who used to go to the monthly United Way food drop they have here and stock up on free food. He thought it was hilarious that they would run out of food for the people who were actually in need while he was hauling off boxes of food so that he could spend less on groceries and have more to stash away for the vacation home he wanted. :glare: Not much surprises me these days when it comes to ripping off those in need. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellie Posted October 22, 2015 Share Posted October 22, 2015 My long-time, highly conservative neighbor has been bothering me to go on an outing with her that she thinks will be a "hoot. She is retiring after over 20 years of service in the National Guard and will be returning to the civilian work force and I will be returning to the work force at the end of this school year after nine years of homeschooling. My neighbor's idea is for both of us to go to "Dress for Success" and get personal shopper help in dressing for job interviews. :svengo: She lives in a 3500 sq foot home, has two incomes, and two trust funds; we are comfortable. Why would we go and utilize a service meant for someone with genuine need? For years I have listened to her thoughts on the "undeserving poor." I cannot fathom why this outing is ethically okay. Free lunches are good - only if you are the one receiving them? How do I tactfully tell her "no" and please don't ask me again? The only *tactful* "no" is "I'm so sorry, but I cannot." No explanation is necessary. Banging your head in private over her stupid thoughts is acceptable, of course. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted October 22, 2015 Share Posted October 22, 2015 Is it possible that the National Guard post she works for has a deal with Dress for Success? Even though she personally doesn't need the help, I'm sure there are National Guard enlistees who may. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted October 22, 2015 Share Posted October 22, 2015 That was my impression. There are tons of programs for military entering the civilian workforce, she may not have realized this one is intended for a specific demographic. I assume the comments on how fun it would be are the personal shopper service, not stealing resources or anything weird like that. Suggest personal shopping services at a store instead. I'd flat out explain why I wouldn't use that group and assume she just didn't know. even when knowing for sure the person "did" know - it is better to pretend they didn't. it allows them to save face (iow: more likely to change rather than dig in their heels) while being corrected. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted October 22, 2015 Share Posted October 22, 2015 That's just it. I always try to assume the best of someone's motives. They'll dig their own grave if they're determined but I've never regretted being as polite and well meaning as possible. Even if she has made comments about the poor or government redistribution it doesn't follow that she would believe mockery or theft was hen acceptable. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
El... Posted October 22, 2015 Share Posted October 22, 2015 even when knowing for sure the person "did" know - it is better to pretend they didn't. it allows them to save face (iow: more likely to change rather than dig in their heels) while being corrected. Saving face... that's a very good point. If she's being a jerk (and maybe she's not), you can either distance yourself or correct her somehow. If you correct her, however nicely, she is probably going to be angry. If you can find a way to assume she doesn't know, conversationally, you 'll leave her room for a course correction and perhaps continue to be cordial with her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Word Nerd Posted October 22, 2015 Share Posted October 22, 2015 If she thinks it would be funny to go, she's probably aware it isn't for people who aren't in financial need. It sounds to me like she wants to "slum it" for the day for giggles. And honestly, someone who thinks like that isn't someone I'd spend time with again. You got all that out of her saying it might be a hoot? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tanaqui Posted October 22, 2015 Share Posted October 22, 2015 "No, thank you" is a complete sentence. You do not need to justify yourself. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Valley Girl Posted October 22, 2015 Share Posted October 22, 2015 Quoting Mergath: "Because the op said the woman thought it would be "a hoot." Maybe we use that expression differently here, but to me it sounds like the neighbor lady wants to do it because she thinks it would be funny." Sorry for the weird quoting. The people I know who call things "a hoot" use it when referring to activities at which they had a great time. I'd give the woman the benefit of the doubt and assume she thinks having someone offer advice and help choose clothes would be something enjoyable. Other posters have offered great ways of declining and explaining that the service is for low-income women entering the work force. If she doesn't know that, then you're educating her in a kind way. If she does know it and is being mean, then you're letting her know her plan is unacceptable. Unless you know she's a catty, unfeeling person to begin with (which is not explained by the "highly conservative" label), assume she just didn't know and would not want to take services intended for people in actual need. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted October 22, 2015 Share Posted October 22, 2015 I would assume she is thinking it's for any woman re-entering the workforce, and I would want her to know the truth before she goes, so she doesn't feel like a fool when she gets there. I can easily imagine that she simply thinks it would be a fun thing to do, particularly if she remembers all of those old Dress for Success books and articles. I know there also used to be Dress for Success workshops designed for any woman in or entering the business world, so it wouldn't surprise me in the least that she might have the wrong impression of the current program. I definitely wouldn't assign any evil ulterior motives without knowing more details. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AndyJoy Posted October 22, 2015 Share Posted October 22, 2015 I'd give her an out and say something like, "I'm confused--isn't that just for people in financial need?" and see what she says. You can follow up based on her response. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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