lewelma Posted April 17, 2015 Share Posted April 17, 2015 I haven't read the entire thread, but I've definitely read from more than one poster that adults texting teens is not ok. I'm a math and science tutor and I text my students all the time and they text me. I give them feedback on mock exams, we change tutor times, they text me from school to tell me their grades, etc. Their parents know we text. Is this a problem? When *is* it a problem? Also, these kids come to my house for tutoring and sometimes we are alone (my kids at are sometimes at activities). It never ever occurred to me that this was even something to worry about. Is this just an American thing? Or is tutoring somehow exempt? Where exactly is the boundary that you do not cross? Ruth in NZ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted April 17, 2015 Share Posted April 17, 2015 I think it is less about the texting itself than the exclusion of the parents. I assume if your student's parents wanted to be sent copies of the texts, you'd oblige. You're teaching, you're not pretending you're the cool auntie who is safer than the parents. 27 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AK_Mom4 Posted April 17, 2015 Share Posted April 17, 2015 I do not have a problem with adults texting with DD13 - she gets texts from the priest at church who coordinates youth activities and also from her music teachers. She has lessons with two different teachers. One is an older lady and they are often alone at the teacher's house and I have no issue with that. DD13's other teacher is a male college student. Her lessons are in a busy studio with glass walls, so in view all the time. I admit, since DD and her teacher are fairly close in age, I would be sitting in on the lessons if they were in a less visible location. I think the gender and age matter in the case of young teens being with a tutor or instructor. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lewelma Posted April 17, 2015 Author Share Posted April 17, 2015 Ok. Got it. I've had one parent ask to know if her son cancels a session. All the other parents are happy to outsource and never heard about it again. I wonder if it would be different if I was male and these kids ( including girls) were coming to my house alone. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lewelma Posted April 17, 2015 Author Share Posted April 17, 2015 Ah, ak_mom4, we were posting at the same time thinking the same thing about gender. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted April 17, 2015 Share Posted April 17, 2015 being open with parents and including them in all communication if asked. the concern on the other thread was he was NOT including the parents despite being asked several times. he was also telling the parents one thing - and doing something else. he was telling the parents the children would be one place - and taking them 40 minutes away without any notice for the parents. he was coming between parents and children. children were leaving the group since he started leading it - so definitely things going wrong. a few other things that were typical behaviors of predators engaging in grooming behavior. 2dd tutored at times, and I can see her texting students for coordinating times or answering questions. she would also be very open to whatever the parent wanted, and not actively attempting to exclude the parent. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted April 17, 2015 Share Posted April 17, 2015 Ok. Got it. I've had one parent ask to know if her son cancels a session. All the other parents are happy to outsource and never heard about it again. I wonder if it would be different if I was male and these kids ( including girls) were coming to my house alone. I don't know about anyone else, but if you were my daughter's male tutor, you'd be coming to my house or you'd be giving me a cuppa while I sat on your sofa with a novel. 13 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted April 17, 2015 Share Posted April 17, 2015 Texts that are are business in nature (ie. texts about the business of tutoring, grades, assignments etc.) would not bother me. Personal texts about personal subjects would be crossing a line for me. I've tutored and parents were always welcome at any time and knew that. Most ended up dropping their kids off and leaving but they were comfortable doing that. Some male tutors in this area ask a parent to be present or ask to meet somewhere public like the library to protect themselves from possible allegations. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IsabelC Posted April 17, 2015 Share Posted April 17, 2015 I don't know about anyone else, but if you were my daughter's male tutor, you'd be coming to my house or you'd be giving me a cuppa while I sat on your sofa with a novel. Yep, it's definitely more of a concern (for the tutor, professionally, as well as for the parents) if it happens to be a man. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SparklyUnicorn Posted April 17, 2015 Share Posted April 17, 2015 That would not bother me at all under those circumstances. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pam in CT Posted April 17, 2015 Share Posted April 17, 2015 My kids at home are 16 and 12. Their teachers text or email them directly on matters related to assignments -- no worries. Each of them also have tutors and music teachers with whom there are various scheduling issues. I ask to be copied on all of those communications, since I'm the driver/master family scheduler, and I can see conflicts that my kids don't necessarily know about. Also, my son is such a space cadet that he might very well forget to tell me something I need to know. Anyone who works with them one-on-one -- music teachers who come to the house, my daughter's Chinese tutor, etc -- does so with me or someone else sitting within earshot. Most of the people they've worked with over the years themselves require this; and the schools have well-developed and -communicated protocols for how it's handled within the school building (my son, forex, takes music lessons at school; they have a written procedure that there must always be at least two teachers in the lesson area and the lessons are in rooms with glass windows). Gender definitely does play a role. My 12 yo daughter is the only girl in her karate group. Sometimes there are two senseis there, sometimes only one. All the other parents drop off; I stay with my novel. I'm not, generally, a hovering parent, but, there it is. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted April 17, 2015 Share Posted April 17, 2015 Ds's k12 program sends me a copy of every email between him and his teachers. He has a few adults who text him directly. But none I worry about. None are in positions of authority over him....one is the mom of his best friend and they coordinate getting together directly sometimes.....one is a 21 year old male friend....he really isn't an adult though. :) I saw texts from him to ds yesterday...they read more like a 15 year old. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jane in NC Posted April 17, 2015 Share Posted April 17, 2015 I think that where this gets tricky is about age 16 and dependent upon circumstances. An employer should not have to contact parents of an employee. Some parents want to be included in the loop when teens apply for jobs. This to me is over the top. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pam in CT Posted April 17, 2015 Share Posted April 17, 2015 I think that where this gets tricky is about age 16 and dependent upon circumstances. An employer should not have to contact parents of an employee. Some parents want to be included in the loop when teens apply for jobs. This to me is over the top. Yeah, that's weird. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted April 17, 2015 Share Posted April 17, 2015 I think that where this gets tricky is about age 16 and dependent upon circumstances. An employer should not have to contact parents of an employee. Some parents want to be included in the loop when teens apply for jobs. This to me is over the top. I agree. If a parent needs that level of involvement they should just wait a while before letting teen get a job. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IsabelC Posted April 17, 2015 Share Posted April 17, 2015 Well my kids aren't at that stage yet, but the way I see it, I should be consulted if I'm expected to drive the kid to events, even if they are 16. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luuknam Posted April 17, 2015 Share Posted April 17, 2015 I also think there's difference between a tutor and a youth pastor. A tutor is not really an authority figure any more than any random adult. If the tutor tries something they shouldn't, it would be a lot easier (presumably) for the teen to not go along, and to tell his/her parents. The tutor can be replaced, doesn't give grades that matter (unlike school teachers), and doesn't have god backing them* (unlike youth pastors). The boy scouts' policies are good in a way, but they can be overkill if applied to all situations. I'd think the boy scouts have very rigorous policies because they have a history of scandals that they have to overcome. If you have a track record of inappropriate behavior you're going to have to try harder than if you don't. I bicycled to my violin teacher's house alone when I was a teen. She gave me violin lessons. I don't think my parents ever even contemplated the possibility of her trying to do anything inappropriate (and she didn't). *Wasn't sure how to phrase that, but you get the idea, right? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LaxMom Posted April 17, 2015 Share Posted April 17, 2015 Ruth, the only thing that would annoy me in your scenario would be adjustments to tutoring times, and only because I would need to be in the loop since I'm the driver. (Which would be moot if the kid in question delivers himself to tutoring or is very good about communicating with me) What you describe has a different feel to them than the communications described in the other thread. They don't seem to be cutting parents out of the communication so much as a question/answer or feedback on a joint effort. Plus, you're not in a position of cultivating something deeply personal (faith). I think that affects the feel of side communications as well. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slojo Posted April 17, 2015 Share Posted April 17, 2015 I think adults should think very carefully about why they would want/have need to text a teen without their parents being copied. There may be good reasons - like a 17 year old who drives independently texting with their piano teacher or an employer with a teenaged employee. Even still, I'd think that for most adults beyond family, having the standard protocol be that both my teen and I receive the texts isn't that hard. Even if I glance and go "yep, music lesson's changed - got it" and move on with my day. For an employer - sure, it's over the top to text parents as well (you're not employing me) -- AND, if that employer is employing a lot of teens, they should be really thoughtful about sending texts given the society we live in. Only in emergencies/short-notice changes of schedule, but not as a regular back-and-forth. A 16 year old is rarely going to be the linchpin of an operation (i.e., needing to be on-call at all hours for their job) - so there would be no reason for an employer to text them outside of limited situations other than schedule changes, power outages, etc... A lot of work-related communication can be handled over the company's email which might be a more secure way of documenting communication back and forth between employers and employees. And if my teen is not used to checking email, then that becomes part of their training into professional behaviors. My kids are young, so this is not tested, but I am an adult that has often worked with young people. On social media, I have only a few young people under 18 as friends -- and that is with the express permission of their parents, and primarily for the purposes of being a "conscientious guide" for their online interactions that's different than their parents (the occasional "congrats on getting the lead part in the play" and every once in a while, a non-parental check if they sent out a questionable post or one that doesn't shed the best light on their character). Other than that, I don't have FB friends, emails or phone numbers of kids under 18 (certainly not independently of their parents). Whatever I need to contact you for, I can contact your parents for. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Reefgazer Posted April 17, 2015 Share Posted April 17, 2015 I don't think an adult texting a kid is wrong. But the parent does have to be able to monitor the texts to ensure that everything is on the up and up. But that is between the kid and their parent. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Farrar Posted April 17, 2015 Share Posted April 17, 2015 I thought in the youth pastor thread, that one of the things that made people uncomfortable about the texts was that they weren't just "meet up at 7!" but also were friendly, chatty, etc. and that they were group texts that turned into conversations - at least one time with a really inappropriate joke. Also that when asked, the adult - the pastor - didn't seem to want to include the parents. I think as with any situation, the more professional you are overall, the less issues you'll have and the more people will trust you. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jane in NC Posted April 17, 2015 Share Posted April 17, 2015 As a parent of a young adult (and as a parent who had her free range moments), I am troubled by the idea that all contact with teens be filtered through parents. Our kids often land in college through early enrollment and they must learn how to communicate, plan, schedule without our help. My son volunteered with a bird rehabber back in our homeschool days. He would sometimes get an emergency call from her--say help was needed to get fishing line off osprey talons. This is not something that required my approval. If I was not home, he would leave a note, get on his bike and assist with the emergency. Of course, he was (is) a responsible lad so he would return and pick up where he had left off on his school work. I am involved with an organization that hires teens for summer jobs. After a teen is hired, parents are a part of the process--most sixteen year olds do not know how to fill out a tax form, for example. But I see red flags when a parent wants to participate or follow up within the hiring process. I suspect that College Admissions officers might feel the same. Again, it is tricky when kids rely on parents for transportation. But a fifteen or sixteen year old should have access to the master calendar and be able to tell his 4-H leader "Let me get back to you on that" after the teen has confirmed things with a parent. 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted April 17, 2015 Share Posted April 17, 2015 Our son's band instructor texts him with times and dates. No biggie. He is also left alone in a room with his instructor (male) as it's private lessons. There is always someone nearby, but not because I think the guy is a weirdo. I wouldn't do lessons with someone I thought was a weirdo. The guy in the other thread wouldn't include parents when asked. He did other inappropriate things. Totally different! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pam in CT Posted April 17, 2015 Share Posted April 17, 2015 As a parent of a young adult (and as a parent who had her free range moments), I am troubled by the idea that all contact with teens be filtered through parents. Our kids often land in college through early enrollment and they must learn how to communicate, plan, schedule without our help. My son volunteered with a bird rehabber back in our homeschool days. He would sometimes get an emergency call from her--say help was needed to get fishing line off osprey talons. This is not something that required my approval. If I was not home, he would leave a note, get on his bike and assist with the emergency. Of course, he was (is) a responsible lad so he would return and pick up where he had left off on his school work. I am involved with an organization that hires teens for summer jobs. After a teen is hired, parents are a part of the process--most sixteen year olds do not know how to fill out a tax form, for example. But I see red flags when a parent wants to participate or follow up within the hiring process. I suspect that College Admissions officers might feel the same. Again, it is tricky when kids rely on parents for transportation. But a fifteen or sixteen year old should have access to the master calendar and be able to tell his 4-H leader "Let me get back to you on that" after the teen has confirmed things with a parent. I agree. Context is all. My dearly beloved 16 year old is such a space cadet that he's not yet fully managing his own calendar, and (relatedly) he doesn't yet drive. I need to know stuff that affects driving and other family members' schedules. He knows and accepts that. He's not ready, time-management-wise, for a job with a variable schedule (though a job with totally predictable hours, like counselor at the local 8-4 Y camp, is fine). At the same age, my older daughter navigated herself and managed her own schedule. Different kid, different context. She, then, and he, now, took/take the lead on any communications with College Board, prospective colleges, summer programs, etc. On the other hand, as I weigh matters of physical safety.. he's a strapping 6'+ guy, whereas both my daughters are tiny little wisps. That matters too. What troubled me on the other thread was not that as a process matter an adult was communicating directly with teens. There are situations -- like Ruth's -- where that's appropriate. It was the poor judgment exhibited in the content of several of the interactions. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bluegoat Posted April 17, 2015 Share Posted April 17, 2015 I haven't read the entire thread, but I've definitely read from more than one poster that adults texting teens is not ok. I'm a math and science tutor and I text my students all the time and they text me. I give them feedback on mock exams, we change tutor times, they text me from school to tell me their grades, etc. Their parents know we text. Is this a problem? When *is* it a problem? Also, these kids come to my house for tutoring and sometimes we are alone (my kids at are sometimes at activities). It never ever occurred to me that this was even something to worry about. Is this just an American thing? Or is tutoring somehow exempt? Where exactly is the boundary that you do not cross? Ruth in NZ I don't think either of these things is necessarily a problem. The main thing is that the parents have a sense of what is going on and are comfortable with it. I do think Americans are more sensitive to such things and I also think that can at times be unhealthy. I think for men, there can be a question of protecting themselves from allegations, but I would not jumpt to any conclusion that it was inappropriate. I think if I were in that position, I would probably copy texts to parents. It is a bit sad in a way but I don't blame men for wanting to protect themselves in that way. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dmmetler Posted April 17, 2015 Share Posted April 17, 2015 One thing that I did when we got DD a cell phone earlier this year for her conference/science stuff was to set up a separate texting number via one of the free texting apps. That's the one we give out and put on applications. Since everything goes to the app, it works on both my phone and hers, and I automatically see everything. Since about 99% of the communications seem to go via text, it simply made sense for DD not to have to do it all through my phone, but that keeps me in the loop even if someone adds her to a list without thinking about adding me (everything from the adult mentors/organizations automatically copies me, but sometimes the students text each other, and DD has been included in some group texts where it was obvious they weren't thinking about her age-although they've never been anything less innocent than "Hey, want to go by (local hangout) and get a beer when we're done here (sent to everyone present who wasn't a college faculty member, so not a date or anything like that)?" ). DD's e-mail also comes to my outlook account, for the same reason. I figure that if I'm allowing my 10 yr old to be in situations with college/grad students, it's up to me to make sure that I've done what I need to do to keep her AND the adults involved safe, as opposed to being on, say, a 22 yr old grad student to think about "Oh, yeah, she's a kid. I should copy her mom on that". 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bluegoat Posted April 17, 2015 Share Posted April 17, 2015 As a parent of a young adult (and as a parent who had her free range moments), I am troubled by the idea that all contact with teens be filtered through parents. Our kids often land in college through early enrollment and they must learn how to communicate, plan, schedule without our help. My son volunteered with a bird rehabber back in our homeschool days. He would sometimes get an emergency call from her--say help was needed to get fishing line off osprey talons. This is not something that required my approval. If I was not home, he would leave a note, get on his bike and assist with the emergency. Of course, he was (is) a responsible lad so he would return and pick up where he had left off on his school work. I am involved with an organization that hires teens for summer jobs. After a teen is hired, parents are a part of the process--most sixteen year olds do not know how to fill out a tax form, for example. But I see red flags when a parent wants to participate or follow up within the hiring process. I suspect that College Admissions officers might feel the same. Again, it is tricky when kids rely on parents for transportation. But a fifteen or sixteen year old should have access to the master calendar and be able to tell his 4-H leader "Let me get back to you on that" after the teen has confirmed things with a parent. Yes, I think that at some point in the teen years parents really need to step back. If they depend on someone for driving, they need to be responsible for coordinating it themselves. It's actually pretty common now for parents to be involved with teens and university students who apply for jobs, and for parents to be contacting instructors and profs and such for all kinds of things. It's pretty strange. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jane in NC Posted April 17, 2015 Share Posted April 17, 2015 What troubled me on the other thread was not that as a process matter an adult was communicating directly with teens. There are situations -- like Ruth's -- where that's appropriate. It was the poor judgment exhibited in the content of several of the interactions. Of course. I was responding to Ruth's query in this thread and my own experiences with teens whose parents overly manage their lives. In Ruth's initial post she asked if it was "an American thing" for adults to avoid texting teens. And I do wonder sometimes if we are overly protective of teens. As a college instructor, I met too many teens who did not know how to make good decisions. I often wondered if they were allowed to make decisions before they left for a college campus. In some of the high school/college board threads here we see situations where parents contact college profs on behalf of their teens. (I can see doing this if a teen is incapacitated, i.e. hospitalized. But even then the Dean of Students should be handling the information transfer.) Fewer sixteen year olds drive these days and many of us lack access to public transportation so I do understand how I was a part of the decision making process regarding extra curricular activities back in the day for my son. But I also think that our teens can have positive relationships with adults outside of the home. A good family friend is a retired prof. He maintains a cadre of teens and young adults to whom he forwards things of note. I think it is wonderful that someone takes such a strong interest in young people. Of course, there is nothing creepy about him. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted April 17, 2015 Share Posted April 17, 2015 The problems I had with the texting in that other thread: The parents asked to be included and the guy gave a phony excuse. The parents had a rule against it and the daughter broke the rule with just this guy. The texts were about things a parent of a 13yo would want/need to know, and no other communication medium was provided for parents. At least some of the texts also had social content. What I would recommend, if you want to text with your students, is to tell the parents this up-front, so they can tell you if they have any personal preferences about it. In fact, I would do this in an email to the parents so you have a paper trail. I think it's a good idea to copy the parents, just because that would increase the likelihood of follow-through. But if they do not want to be copied, that is fine too. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tsuga Posted April 17, 2015 Share Posted April 17, 2015 I think it's the personal texting and the intimate nature of the events (you're presumably not inviting kids over for a sleepover) that makes his refusal to include parents, creepy. Being a woman helps but I'd be creeped if a woman was setting up sleepovers and the like and refusing to keep me informed, kwim? I don't care if my teen daughter gets her exam scores by text in a group text. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happypamama Posted April 17, 2015 Share Posted April 17, 2015 It's a problem when the parents are deliberately excluded when they've asked to be included. I'd also consider it to be a possible problem if the nature of the texts ever went beyond basic factual information, to anything of an emotional connection level. Schedule sessions, congratulate the kids on a good test -- fine. Get beyond that to a closer level, and it could potentially be a problem, although not necessarily. I had a good adult friend in high school, a mentor. Texts from her wouldn't have been a problem, and she would never have tried to usurp parental authority or relationship. My brother had an adult male who had a similar role in his life, again, without a problem. I'd be more concerned about opposite sex friendships with adults too, but that's just me. It would really depend on the nature of the relationship, and the most important factor would be that if DH or I were ever uncomfortable, something would change. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
teachermom2834 Posted April 17, 2015 Share Posted April 17, 2015 My teen ds gets texts from adults. He get administrative texts from male and female youth leaders, teachers, 4h leaders. He also gets chatty texts from a former coach a couple times a year. Not one of these has felt weird to me. But my radar is always on and I would step in if needed. I am glad to have let this go on, however, as these have been nice relationships and ds has learned to keep up with his own stuff. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mom22ns Posted April 18, 2015 Share Posted April 18, 2015 My kids have texted with adults many times about tutoring, music lessons, planned events, and yes, even with the youth pastor :w00t: . The only time I would have a problem with an adult and teen texting is if their relationship was professional and the texts became personal. I don't have any problem with announcements, schedule changes, etc. I agree if the parents are chauffeuring they need to be included and if parents ask to be included, they should be, that was the other issue in the other thread. When I taught teen girls at church, I gave them all my phone number and said if you need me call or text anytime. I never initiated a text conversation unless it was an announcement, or maybe "where are you" when someone was signed up for an event and didn't show up and we needed to know if we should wait for them. However, if they texted me because they had a bad day at school, I would certainly text with them and be supportive. No one ever complained, but I only worked with girls. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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