CC: How do I help my daughter?

[TammyinTN]

Yesterday she went for her 15 week checkup. The baby had quit growing at 11/12 weeks and had no heartbeat. She is absolutely crushed. Our hearts are broken for her. I suffered 3 miscarriages but under totally different circumstances- I wasn't 18 and unmarried. I really feel for her and my heart is breaking for her pain. But, I feel this is a chance to make it in life without a baby. I feel relieved and very guilty for feeling this way. I have been very supportive and she will have surgery on Friday. I want to do something, but other than being a shoulder to cry on...I don't know what. Please keep her in your prayers and any advice would be great.

[hsmamainva]

:grouphug:

 

I'm so sorry! You will both be in my prayers!

[laylamcb]

No words, Tammy, just :grouphug:. I think that your feelings as expressed are completely valid and sensible and logical. I also think that your gut is telling you rightly that this isn't the time to share them with her. There may be a time in the not-too-distant future when you and she can look at the "big picture" together and assess her situation rationally. Right now, as you said, you are the shoulder to cry on. Thank God that she's got you to provide a warm and welcoming Mom shoulder. :grouphug:

[gamommy]

No words, Tammy, just :grouphug:. I think that your feelings as expressed are completely valid and sensible and logical. I also think that your gut is telling you rightly that this isn't the time to share them with her. There may be a time in the not-too-distant future when you and she can look at the "big picture" together and assess her situation rationally. Right now, as you said, you are the shoulder to cry on. Thank God that she's got you to provide a warm and welcoming Mom shoulder. :grouphug:

 

I agree that this seems to be the best course of action. Sending hugs and prayers your way.

[Amy in NY]

No words, Tammy, just :grouphug:. I think that your feelings as expressed are completely valid and sensible and logical. I also think that your gut is telling you rightly that this isn't the time to share them with her. There may be a time in the not-too-distant future when you and she can look at the "big picture" together and assess her situation rationally. Right now, as you said, you are the shoulder to cry on. Thank God that she's got you to provide a warm and welcoming Mom shoulder. :grouphug:

 

I agree as well. My thoughts and prayers are with you both.

[3lilreds in NC]

I think you're doing exactly the right thing by being supportive, listening, but not sharing what you know to be the truth - that while it's heartbreaking to lose the life of this little person, a great deal of good could come out of the loss.

 

I think she needs to be able to come to that conclusion herself. This whole situation has been so hurtful and stressful for all of you, I think pointing that out would alienate her from you. Just hold her while she cries for now.

[TraceyS/FL]

:grouphug:

 

Everyone else said what i'd say.

 

Just be there for her (like you have been) and here is praying that this can turn her direction around.

[lwilliams1922]

:grouphug:

 

Everyone else said what i'd say.

 

Just be there for her (like you have been) and here is praying that this can turn her direction around.

 

 

ITA

 

:grouphug:

[Nestof3]

Tammy,

 

Do not feel guilty for your feelings. I wouldn't share these with her, but as a mom of your daughter, you are in a different place with a different perspective than she is in. You have had 18 years to want what is best for her, and that is not going to suddenly change. Your thoughts sound completely acceptable to me. I'm sorry you two are going through this.

[Kelli in TN]

Leila said it very well.

 

I don't think there ARE any words that can ease this pain. Just walk through it with her, walk through all the stages of grief with her. :grouphug:

[Laura in VA]

I am so sorry. Your daughter is blessed to have you there for her. Just love her. That means so much. She will remember. :grouphug:

[Camy-7 boybarians 1 lady]

Awww...the poor thing. What a concept for an 18 year old to experience. I bet you will be right there to comfort her and encourage her. Perhaps a nice basket of pampering toiletries would be nice for her post-surgery time. A nice card w/ your thoughts and some Scripture might be uplifting for her, too. In her recovery period after the surgery, you could take care of her nutritional needs. Maybe the two of you could view a nice, long video together, a movie that you would mutually enjoy. I am sure she would appreciate the comfort of her mother's presence.

 

Blessings,

 

Camy

[Quiver0f10]

:grouphug: She is having to deal with this at such a young age. Just love her and be there for her. Praying for you all.

[Tracey in TX]

(((Hugs)))

What a painful time for DD. Just love on her and let her know how she feels. You are able to see this as a blessing for DD, but it's not best to share that. Guide her through the pain, and help her back to being a child again.

[CalicoKat]

give comfort woman to woman. you both have gone through the death of a child.

 

She's a woman now. This will pregancy has changed her and although she is your child she's also a woman and a mother who has lost her child.

 

grieve with her. share with her your sorrow for your lost babies.

 

don't talk about how this is her 2nd chance to do life differently. let her bring that up. then only smile and nod while she talks about it in your presence and thank God she is.

 

if she needs additional help perhaps a counselor, pastor?

[sdWTMer]

I have no words...hang in there Tammy.

[sleepy]

No words, Tammy, just :grouphug:. I think that your feelings as expressed are completely valid and sensible and logical. I also think that your gut is telling you rightly that this isn't the time to share them with her. There may be a time in the not-too-distant future when you and she can look at the "big picture" together and assess her situation rationally. Right now, as you said, you are the shoulder to cry on. Thank God that she's got you to provide a warm and welcoming Mom shoulder. :grouphug:

 

:iagree: I think the very best thing you can do for her right now is just being there for her. :grouphug:

[kalanamak]

But, I feel this is a chance to make it in life without a baby. I feel relieved and very guilty for feeling this way. I have been very supportive and she will have surgery on Friday. I want to do something, but other than being a shoulder to cry on...I don't know what.

 

My wise mother said to never feel guilty about feelings. She viewed it as a bit indulgent. Think of your words and actions. Feelings...well, they are like the season changing....they happen.

 

Besides a shoulder to cry on, a model of behavior...calm, concerned, and giving this mess its due attention without dwelling on it (letting life move on) would be my "what". Nature says "ooops" sometimes, and a baby that dies at this point is one of nature's ooops.

 

I hope this event might give her a bit of sobered maturity.:grouphug:

[LisaKinVA]

I'm so sorry for your daughter, and I can totally feel for you and her situation.

 

No matter what the circumstances, it's going to take time to get through this. I lost a baby during the 2nd trimester, IUFD -- found out at 21 weeks during our routine u/s -- nothing prepares you for that news. Nothing.

 

And, here we stand 7.5 years from that, and the feelings surrounding the loss still surprise me.

 

I *know* that my current children wouldn't be here... my family would be completely different... my life would be completely different -- but I still miss my lost little boy, and a part of me still wishes he were here, even though I *know* my whole life would be different.

 

Please, don't ever share that you feel this is a blessing -- ever. I will never forget how I felt when people told me "it was for the best."

 

It's one thing for her to say it -- and IF, and when she DOES say it, just nod and give her a hug and tell her you love her and you know how hard it must be. But coming from you -- today, in 6 months, or really at any time (for me during the past 7 years), could be crushing and downright hurtful (which I *know* you don't want to be)

 

:grouphug: to you -- and your daughter.

[Elaine]

No words, Tammy, just :grouphug:. I think that your feelings as expressed are completely valid and sensible and logical. I also think that your gut is telling you rightly that this isn't the time to share them with her. There may be a time in the not-too-distant future when you and she can look at the "big picture" together and assess her situation rationally. Right now, as you said, you are the shoulder to cry on. Thank God that she's got you to provide a warm and welcoming Mom shoulder. :grouphug:

 

I absolutely agree with this.

 

 

:grouphug:Tammy:grouphug: I am so sorry for you and your dear daughter. You will both be in my prayers.

[Pam "SFSOM" in TN]

Yesterday she went for her 15 week checkup. The baby had quit growing at 11/12 weeks and had no heartbeat. She is absolutely crushed. Our hearts are broken for her. I suffered 3 miscarriages but under totally different circumstances- I wasn't 18 and unmarried. I really feel for her and my heart is breaking for her pain. But, I feel this is a chance to make it in life without a baby. I feel relieved and very guilty for feeling this way. I have been very supportive and she will have surgery on Friday. I want to do something, but other than being a shoulder to cry on...I don't know what. Please keep her in your prayers and any advice would be great.

 

I am so, so sorry. She will likely need counseling for this one. The possible relief, the guilt for possibly feeling relief, the grief, the confusion and pain... see if you can find a counselor at the med center who will see her and give her a safe place to work this all out. Just love her and cry with her. Listen. And find a safe place to pour out your own grief.

 

Anger will be part of this grieving process, so don't let it take you unawares, and don't let it derail you. You can and will get through this.

 

I am so so sorry for your loss and for your mixed emotions. This is heartbreaking.

 

:grouphug:

[TammyinTN]

Thank you for all the kind words and support! Today has been hard but I continue to comfort and just love her through it.

 

Pam...we are definitely getting counseling for her.

[Lisawa]

Tammy :grouphug: I'm so sorry... you are such a great mom.... just be available emotionally for her....

 

Praying for you both...

[WTMindy]

Yesterday she went for her 15 week checkup. The baby had quit growing at 11/12 weeks and had no heartbeat. She is absolutely crushed. Our hearts are broken for her. I suffered 3 miscarriages but under totally different circumstances- I wasn't 18 and unmarried. I really feel for her and my heart is breaking for her pain. But, I feel this is a chance to make it in life without a baby. I feel relieved and very guilty for feeling this way. I have been very supportive and she will have surgery on Friday. I want to do something, but other than being a shoulder to cry on...I don't know what. Please keep her in your prayers and any advice would be great.

 

I think you do exactly what you are doing. You pray and be supportive without saying that it will be better in the long run....even though I'm sure it will be better in the long run. Right now, you just love her!!

 

I'm so sorry for her pain and I'm praying for you both.

[The Governess]

Everyone has already given you such wonderful advice. I just wanted to offer my prayers and :grouphug:. Your daughter is blessed to have such a supportive mom.

[swellmomma]

No words, Tammy, just :grouphug:. I think that your feelings as expressed are completely valid and sensible and logical. I also think that your gut is telling you rightly that this isn't the time to share them with her. There may be a time in the not-too-distant future when you and she can look at the "big picture" together and assess her situation rationally. Right now, as you said, you are the shoulder to cry on. Thank God that she's got you to provide a warm and welcoming Mom shoulder. :grouphug:

 

 

ITA!!! The worst hing you could do is offer your opinions on the timing etc right now(my mother did and I have never forgiven her), be a shoulder for her to cry on adn even if a year or 2 or 3 has past and she is still upset continue to be a shoulder to cry on. I know that whenever a big milestone came up since my m/c I would/do get weepy. Anniversaries of my loss (which happen to be my birthday), anniversaries of what should have been my due date, etc. Just keep your arms open and mouth shut, let her know that you don't know what to say because it breaks your heart. Let her take the lead and you can't go wrong.

[TammyinTN]

UPDATE:

 

Thanks everyone for your sound advice and kindness. She is having a horrible time with her emotions. Lots of late night talks/crying/anger/sadness. She feels she did something wrong that caused this. This really breaks my heart. She's really struggling here and I can't wait to call for a counseling appointment on Monday. If she will not go, I'm going to go and get advice on how to help her. Anyway...just wanted to say thanks and give a mini update. :grouphug:

[Happy]

Tammy, a grief counselor once told me that what a grieving person needs is someone with two big ears, great shoulders, and a deep heart. Grief takes a long time and must not be rushed. Love her, comfort her, encourage her to pick up some pieces of her life (education? career hopes?) and let her pour her wounded heart into yours. Then bring your wounded heart here and pour it into ours. We want to be there for you, so you can be who and what you need to be for her.

 

There's a lovely, kind book on grief called 'Don't take My Grief Away from Me,' by Doug Manning. If you'd like a copy, let me know by PM and I'll get one to ship to you.

[momzilla333]

:grouphug: I agree, just be there for her.

[PinkInTheBlue]

Tammy, definite prayers and thoughts with you and your daughter. I am so sorry! :( ((hugs to you all))

 

I wasn't a teenager and unmarried but at my 19week appt they found my baby had died at 9weeks. It was my first baby and I was crushed. Others around me (father, my parents, etc) were upset but "got over it" much quicker than I did. The toughest part was I think they expected me to be over it too and stop talking or crying about it. I'm not an overdramatic person but this was huge and I don't feel I was allowed to handle it like the event it was. It was the death of my baby! :( Again, I'm so very, very sorry and my only advice is to just be there for hugs and ears.

[Tammyla]

:grouphug:Sending prayers your way.:grouphug:

 

UPDATE:

 

Thanks everyone for your sound advice and kindness. She is having a horrible time with her emotions. Lots of late night talks/crying/anger/sadness. She feels she did something wrong that caused this. This really breaks my heart. She's really struggling here and I can't wait to call for a counseling appointment on Monday. If she will not go, I'm going to go and get advice on how to help her. Anyway...just wanted to say thanks and give a mini update. :grouphug:

[keroro]

Praying for both of you. :grouphug:

[anissarobert]

I'm so sorry for your daughter, and I can totally feel for you and her situation.

 

No matter what the circumstances, it's going to take time to get through this. I lost a baby during the 2nd trimester, IUFD -- found out at 21 weeks during our routine u/s -- nothing prepares you for that news. Nothing.

 

And, here we stand 7.5 years from that, and the feelings surrounding the loss still surprise me.

 

I *know* that my current children wouldn't be here... my family would be completely different... my life would be completely different -- but I still miss my lost little boy, and a part of me still wishes he were here, even though I *know* my whole life would be different.

 

Please, don't ever share that you feel this is a blessing -- ever. I will never forget how I felt when people told me "it was for the best."

 

It's one thing for her to say it -- and IF, and when she DOES say it, just nod and give her a hug and tell her you love her and you know how hard it must be. But coming from you -- today, in 6 months, or really at any time (for me during the past 7 years), could be crushing and downright hurtful (which I *know* you don't want to be)

 

:grouphug: to you -- and your daughter.

 

:iagree:This is basically what I wanted to say. I was in this place a few years ago. My husband was across the country and I was told our 3rd child died in utero. My family and friends were sad for me, but only those who had suffered a miscarriage had any idea what it was like. They would say things like "something must have been wrong with the baby." These statements did not help and they really hurt. My baby had died and they wanted to find a way to make it ok again. Our society does not let mothers grieve a miscarriage, the way I needed to. I think your feelings are perfectly natural under the circumstances, but I would try to never let your daughter in on them. She will most likely hear from someone that this is a blessing in disguise, and it will hurt her. She will need your love and support.

 

:grouphug::grouphug:To you and your daughter. My heart breaks for you. I found comfort in making sure my son was remembered. Every year at Christmas we hang a special ornament on our tree to remember him. I hope your daughter finds comfort soon.

[Sahamamama]

Tammy,

 

Do not feel guilty for your feelings. I wouldn't share these with her, but as a mom of your daughter, you are in a different place with a different perspective than she is in. You have had 18 years to want what is best for her, and that is not going to suddenly change. Your thoughts sound completely acceptable to me. I'm sorry you two are going through this.

 

 

What Dawn said. :iagree::grouphug:

[happyWImom]

I agree about it not being the time to share some of your thoughts with her. Because, regardless of the circumstances, it is still a loss, and she will need to grieve. Praying for you both.

[Sahamamama]

UPDATE:

 

Thanks everyone for your sound advice and kindness. She is having a horrible time with her emotions. Lots of late night talks/crying/anger/sadness. She feels she did something wrong that caused this. This really breaks my heart. She's really struggling here and I can't wait to call for a counseling appointment on Monday. If she will not go, I'm going to go and get advice on how to help her. Anyway...just wanted to say thanks and give a mini update. :grouphug:

 

I don't know how to explain this, but your daughter's emotions are her only possible connection to this baby now. She will never hold him, rock him, kiss him, hug him, bathe him, nurse him, dress him... so she can really only "link" herself to this lost child through her strong feelings, crying, outbursts, and grief. There are not even any photographs of him, except for possibly the ultrasound pictures.

 

In time, if you think it might help her, you could get a little photo album, and put in it the US photos you may have of him, along with some photos of Jess during her pregnancy, her new haircut, maybe a swatch of her maternity tops (in time, if she wants to do this). It could be a memorial of his life, that he really existed in her body in a real place and time. And if you know the gender of the baby, perhaps Jessica will want to give him or her a precious name. ?

 

I hope this helps, Tammy. I'm so sorry about your car and your doorknob, too. You really have had a rough week. :grouphug:

[LisaKinVA]

UPDATE:

 

Thanks everyone for your sound advice and kindness. She is having a horrible time with her emotions. Lots of late night talks/crying/anger/sadness. She feels she did something wrong that caused this. This really breaks my heart. She's really struggling here and I can't wait to call for a counseling appointment on Monday. If she will not go, I'm going to go and get advice on how to help her. Anyway...just wanted to say thanks and give a mini update. :grouphug:

 

Hi Tammy -- I really, honestly do know how your dd feels. I don't know if your dd was scheduled for a D&C or not (that's a whole other ball of wax, filled with even more strong emotions), but if there is any way possible to deliver the baby whole, they might be able to figure out why -- which could help her feel a little better.

 

In my case, there were only two blood vessels in the cord -- instead of three. What that meant was, there was only so much growing the baby could do. Because the baby couldn't get enough nutrients and eliminate enough waste, it couldn't continue to develop. There's nothing that can be done.

 

Usually IUFD is rare (in my case I was a 1 in about 1 million), and there is usually something wrong with the baby that was present at conception.

 

Now, your dd probably isn't ready to hear any of this -- the best thing you can do is reassure her that there was nothing she did. She took excellent care of herself and her baby. Skipping a pre-natal vitamin wouldn't cause it... having a soda wouldn't cause it... anything she thinks she may have done, whatever it is would not have cause this. Anything she suggests -- reassure her that you were there, you know she did the very best for her baby she could.

 

Wrap your arms around her -- let her scream and cry, pet her, and just love her. Though she will never truly get "over" it, she will get through it.

 

Each time she is pregnant, though, she will never fully believe everything is okay with her child until she holds it in her arms. I've had three since losing our son, Jordan. I'm expecting my fourth since Jordan. All of my tests have been beautiful -- but I still doubt. I still wait for "the other shoe" to drop.

 

:grouphug:

[Lovedtodeath]

My heart goes out to your daughter. That is a lot to go through for her.

 

I lost my unborn baby A reminder on how someone feels along with some comforting words.

 

How family and friends can help This article may be particularly helpful to you, it is adapted from A Guide to Coping With Miscarriage, prepared by the Wellington, New Zealand, Miscarriage Support Group.

 

 

I think she needs to be able to come to that conclusion herself. This whole situation has been so hurtful and stressful for all of you, I think pointing that out would alienate her from you.

:iagree: All of your feelings are understandable, but I would never tell her that you felt that way!

[newlifemom]

Tammy,

 

First let me just say how sorry I am for yours and your daughter's loss. One of the things that people may not realize is that even when a pregnancy is unplanned or even unwanted, its loss is still very real. I also agree with the posters who think you should let your daughter figure out what is for the best on her own. It may be, but really, when you are the one going through the loss those kinds of things have to be realized by yourself. I am thinking of Shelden Van Auken in his autobiographical trip though grief. It was a good deal of time before he could come to terms of his wife's death being 'a severe mercy'. KWIM? Right now your daughter needs to cry and cry, feel the feelings. They are many and varied. Trust me, I know just read my sig line. Something else you may want to think about is how she will be when her due date draws closer. Many times it has caught me unawares and I don't know why I am so emotional.

 

I have had people tell me the most amazing things after my many miscarriages. While all were well intentioned, most of them hurt me deeply. The only one that really ministered to me personally was, "I am so sorry" and quite frankly, hugging the stuffing out of me. Please know that I will be praying for you and your daughter through this very difficult time. Remember, God is good.

[newlifemom]

Hi Tammy -- I really, honestly do know how your dd feels. I don't know if your dd was scheduled for a D&C or not (that's a whole other ball of wax, filled with even more strong emotions), but if there is any way possible to deliver the baby whole, they might be able to figure out why -- which could help her feel a little better.

 

In my case, there were only two blood vessels in the cord -- instead of three. What that meant was, there was only so much growing the baby could do. Because the baby couldn't get enough nutrients and eliminate enough waste, it couldn't continue to develop. There's nothing that can be done.

 

Usually IUFD is rare (in my case I was a 1 in about 1 million), and there is usually something wrong with the baby that was present at conception.

 

Now, your dd probably isn't ready to hear any of this -- the best thing you can do is reassure her that there was nothing she did. She took excellent care of herself and her baby. Skipping a pre-natal vitamin wouldn't cause it... having a soda wouldn't cause it... anything she thinks she may have done, whatever it is would not have cause this. Anything she suggests -- reassure her that you were there, you know she did the very best for her baby she could.

 

Wrap your arms around her -- let her scream and cry, pet her, and just love her. Though she will never truly get "over" it, she will get through it.

 

Each time she is pregnant, though, she will never fully believe everything is okay with her child until she holds it in her arms. I've had three since losing our son, Jordan. I'm expecting my fourth since Jordan. All of my tests have been beautiful -- but I still doubt. I still wait for "the other shoe" to drop.

 

:grouphug:

 

I know how you feel. I will pray for you as you await the arrival of Abagail Sophia? I cant remember the name now. Trust in God, He will sustain you even in/through your doubt. I always say "I believe, Lord help thou my unbelief." :grouphug:

[Brigitte]

My heart aches for you and your daughter.