Messy child advice

[purplejackmama]

My dd9 is the messiest person I've ever met. I need practical tips/advice to help her. These are my biggest areas of concern:

 

1. Her room is a wreck! She likes to keep every.thing. and really can't prioritize what's valuable and what's garbage. It's a huge problem.

 

2. We road trip a lot and she keeps the back seat of my car looking like a garbage dump. Orange peels, half eaten apples, empty cups, gum wrappers, etc. this is what I found back there today.

 

3. Her hair is curly. She doesn't like to brush it when it's dry because it turns frizzy AND she is the most tender headed person I've ever met. So consequently the bottom layer of ringlets gets tangled and its a mess to deal with. It got so matted over Christmas that we had to cut off 6 inches. She promised that she would do a better job. She hasn't.

 

I'm at my wits end. She's a creative soul with amazing artistic abilities. So, I tell myself that organization is hard for her. (It doesn't come naturally for me either) But the way she is living right now is unacceptable.

 

Help me.

[Jean in Newcastle]

At 9 years old I would expect to have to help her take care of her spaces.  So for her room, I would work along side her while she gets it under control.  Then I would have her work on certain zones - 1.  take care of the garbage. 2.  take care of dirty clothing.  3. put away toys.  Every single day - together or at least with you there.  For the car I would develop a routine of her picking up the back seat every time you come home.  I have no advice on the hair - we all have stick straight hair!  

[Lang Syne Boardie]

My dd9 is the messiest person I've ever met. I need practical tips/advice to help her. These are my biggest areas of concern:

 

1. Her room is a wreck! She likes to keep every.thing. and really can't prioritize what's valuable and what's garbage. It's a huge problem.

 

2. We road trip a lot and she keeps the back seat of my car looking like a garbage dump. Orange peels, half eaten apples, empty cups, gum wrappers, etc. this is what I found back there today.

 

3. Her hair is curly. She doesn't like to brush it when it's dry because it turns frizzy AND she is the most tender headed person I've ever met. So consequently the bottom layer of ringlets gets tangled and its a mess to deal with. It got so matted over Christmas that we had to cut off 6 inches. She promised that she would do a better job. She hasn't.

 

I'm at my wits end. She's a creative soul with amazing artistic abilities. So, I tell myself that organization is hard for her. (It doesn't come naturally for me either) But the way she is living right now is unacceptable.

 

Help me.

 

Habit training. It might not "take," some of us are just messy, but it will keep her environment healthy and clean which is worth a lot. Help her, as in being there for every moment, step by step, with total attention, to do the following:

 

1. Tidy up the bedroom as a morning ritual. Do it again at bedtime. You should probably do the initial cleanup, but work together from that night on.

 

2. Before getting out of the car, each and every trip, clean up the trash. Keep a box of small office-size trash bags in the car for this purpose. This will take no more than five minutes.

 

3. Help her condition and comb her hair. Cut it short enough for the two of you to manage. Learn about curly girl products and methods. She won't be the first 9yo girl who needs daily help with her hair.

 

I know it would be nicer if she would do all of these things on her own. You probably have other responsibilities and feel as if you need her to take over these obvious habits. Doesn't matter. She won't care more than you do, and your new interest will have to be daily for a long time. (Possibly years. BTDT with a very impossible little boy.)

[texasmama]

For #3:

 

http://www.thewetbrush.com/

 

This was recommended by my hair dresser, and it really does help with tangles and lack of pain while detangling.  Do you have curly hair?  I do, and it is thick.  It is a hot mess quicker than a New York minute.  You really should only brush curly hair while wet, never dry.  Use a good conditioner.  Curly hair is hard to manage even for an adult.  She will need your help to deal with it.  Brush while the conditioner is still in it and it is very saturated with water.  Start at the bottom and go up. 

 

Despair not.  I have her 9 year old twin here at my house.

[purplejackmama]

Thanks Texasmama, we have one :)

[blondeviolin]

Take everything out of her room. Dressers and beds. That's all that needs to be there. Help her purge (or do it for her if she won't notice). Give her places for certain things. Make sure everything has a home.

 

We train our kids to do quick clean-up when they change clothes. So they pick up in the morning and evening. This keeps the rooms do-able. Once every quarter or so, I go through and declutter their spaces.

 

We do the same with the car. Grab your trash and junk when you're getting out of the car.

 

For the hair, definitely curly girl. I'd keep it in braids if you can...

[Amy in NH]

Watch a couple of episodes of Hoarders with her, then go through her room with her and help her work through her feelings as she throws away the obvious garbage.  My 9yo dd also gets sentimentally attached to trash, but not as much now as she used to - before I helped her learn to deal with her feelings around letting go of things we really don't need to keep.  Don't invalidate her feelings of loss - be compassionate and help her see that she can live through those feelings and still be okay and maybe even happier without the stuff.

 

Someone in my family has hoarding tendencies, so we may have some sort of genetic predisposition.  Whether that is the case or not, I think it is important to help them learn at an early age how to deal with the underlying anxiety that causes them to hold onto obvious rubbish.

[Joker]

She's nine so you still have to parent her quite a bit in this area.

 

In regards to the car, is there a place for her to put trash back there already? If not, make one and also make sure you do a general picking up when you exit the car. My dds can easily dirty the back of my vehicle if they have nowhere else to put it and I don't remind them.

 

The rest of your list honestly just requires constant reminders until it becomes a habit as well, and it's definitely not something I would expect perfection from at nine.

[Tsuga]

Regarding the car, we road trip. Few people need to eat more often than they eliminate, so provided she is not diabetic, no eating in the car if you don't pick up your trash. That's our rule. And I clean my own car. What can I say. This is not something my kids naturally do. It is an issue of strict oversight and enforcement on a daily basis.

[reign]

I think more guidance is needed. She needs coaching and to get into some routines.

 

1. Help her go through her stuff. Allow her to have a junk box in which to keep the weird things kids think are so special but you don't want cluttering up the room. We have this issue with one child and my husband. Deciding on a set amount of stuff and making it easy to see what's too much helped A lot.

 

2. Have her clean out the car every time she gets out of it. What goes in, goes right back out. Or have a list of things that can stay but verbally remind her to get everything else out.

 

3. I still have to brush my oldest's hair. She just isn't capable of keeping it snarl and mat free. Both her sisters have much easier hair and I see them being able to do their own hair much sooner. So I say brush her hair for her. My kid also is sensitive and hates when I brush her hair but she admits she can't do the job herself. She wants me to brush it but some how make it not hurt. We try to do it twice a day and that helps.

[purplejackmama]

Thank you everyone for the suggestions. Also, thanks for the gut check that maybe my expectations are a bit too high. 😬

[AK_Mom4]

DD13 cleaned her room this week because she is having a friend stay over.  This is the first year that I can honestly say she "cleaned" without any follow up from me.  She, too, is an artsy soul and organization does not come naturally to her.

 

We have the curly hair here too.  DD13 has learned to manage it herself, but only in the last year or so.  Before that, it took reminding and help from me to keep it under control.  And braids....lots of braids.   Now she conditions and brushes it out, then rinses out the excess conditioner and that has worked miracles for the knots.

 

Hang in there!  Lots of reminders and working side-by-side was what got us through the rough years.

[Truscifi]

Brotherman is very messy, and a packrat. He doesn't get sentimentally attached so much as he is sure he will use it for some project. He would eventually too, but in the meantime it gets strewn about his room. 

 

We have one big yearly purge after Christmas to make room for new things, and smaller quarterly purges as well. We do this in the whole house, with everyone's things, so he knows he isn't being singled out. We talk about letting go, and if there is something he is actually attached to that needs to go, like a completed project, we take a picture and save it to a digital scrapbook.

 

He also does a general pickup of his room, mostly the floor, every day and has 4 zones that are each cleaned once a week. They are on his chore list but I still have to check behind him and show him areas that still need work. He is 11. It is only recently that we got to the point where I didn't have to stay in there with him to clean.

 

The rule in the car is every time we get out he has to take things in with him or throw things away. The back seat is still messy, but not a health hazard. We're still working on the car issue, honestly. 

 

:grouphug:  Good luck.

[kroe1]

My dd9 is the messiest person I've ever met. I need practical tips/advice to help her. These are my biggest areas of concern:

 

1. Her room is a wreck! She likes to keep every.thing. and really can't prioritize what's valuable and what's garbage. It's a huge problem.

 

2. We road trip a lot and she keeps the back seat of my car looking like a garbage dump. Orange peels, half eaten apples, empty cups, gum wrappers, etc. this is what I found back there today.

 

3. Her hair is curly. She doesn't like to brush it when it's dry because it turns frizzy AND she is the most tender headed person I've ever met. So consequently the bottom layer of ringlets gets tangled and its a mess to deal with. It got so matted over Christmas that we had to cut off 6 inches. She promised that she would do a better job. She hasn't.

 

I'm at my wits end. She's a creative soul with amazing artistic abilities. So, I tell myself that organization is hard for her. (It doesn't come naturally for me either) But the way she is living right now is unacceptable.

 

Help me.

I have never let any of my kiddos be the primary caregivers of any room, including their own. They can help me, if the situation allows, but I am the primary caretaker. This allows me to keep it the way I want it. Plus, I do not worry about kiddos having things in the room I would not approve. When they buy their own homes, they can have their own rooms then. However, this philosophy was easy for me since I never had more than one kiddo living at home at a time. I do not think it would work well with 5.

 

In regards to the back of the car, no one gets to get out until the trash bag is handed to me. I keep a little garbage pail with WalMart sacks stuffed in it for easy disposal. Things like soccer bags and dance bags are not allowed to leave the car ever so they stay in the back. But, I have 5 inches of dog hair in my car at all times, so I am a fine one to give advice.

[Arcadia]

For the car, we have a small trash bag between my kids so they throw all their trash in there. If the trash bag fills up before a road trip pit stop, they will ask me for a new one.

 

When they create a mess in the house, I just watch them clean up. Even my adult relatives make mess from time to time, as long as clean up is done we are ok.

 

My kids have big wavy curls but they like their hair short. My 9 year old does need to comb with a wet comb at times because his hair gets tangled.

[momacacia]

Hair: you can ask a stylist to thin it some as well. You won't notice it visually but it will make it dry faster and easier to manage.

[bettyandbob]

Car: thoroughly clean before road trip. During trip trash comes out every single stop. Every single stop.

 

Hair: other people here are curly hair experts. I might have faired better if I could have done daily combing, but I resorted to spending an afternoon once a month combing through my dd's hair with lots of conditioner. By 9 she did take over, but she had strong incentive. She requested to be in a curriculum ballet program, which had hair in bun requirements. I refused to do hair, since it was the source of battles. In order to do ballet she had to take care of hair and had to learn to do a good Hun on her own. She really wanted ballet, so she learned.

 

Room. For years we did once a month purges, with trash pick up regularly between. Dd wanted to earn money so, to get rid of toys she was allowed to sell her toys through a neighbor's garage sale or through a once a years kids' sale our community has. She had to have a good number of items to do this. She started having a sleepover or two a year when she was 12. Messy room = no friends over.

To take care of clothing we experimented with multiple storage options. Even today at 17, she's not going yo trouble herself with a lot of hanging and most of her stuff doesn't wrinkle. We got rid of a dresser when she was about 6--she wasn't using it and her room is small. We tried shelves, both in and out of closet. She now keeps most of her clothing in underbed drawers (we got these at IKEA. Nothing else fits under the bed besides two drawers. Her out of closet floor to ceiling shelves (7 foot Billy shelves, 2 of them) are all books now. And she does use hanging shelves in her closet for toiletries and other items. She had to find her own system. I helped her try out different things over time when it was clear what I started was not something she was using.

[The Girls' Mom]

I had a messy child that is now 18 and still leaves a trail behind her where ever she goes.  She too is very creative and artsy, and her mind is usually a million miles away.  Cleanliness just isn't a priority for her, and nothing I've tried to do has changed that.  She HAS gotten to where she'll voluntarily pick up her room when she can't walk in there any more.

I have just spent the last 18 years reminding her daily of things to take care of.  (I still have to remind her to brush her teeth!)

 

She also has a very tender head, and hair has been an issue her entire life.  She's tried to grow it out several times, but brushing it and dealing with knots drives her up the wall.  She just keeps it very short now and wears a lot of hats.. :hat: 

She's is a beautiful person, one of the kindest people you'll ever meet, so I try not to hold her slovenly nature against her.  :lol:

[Tiramisu]

In terms of expectations, it's important to keep in mind that tidying can come more easily to some kids than others. As several PPs have suggested, you may have to work very consistently in developing your dd's habits, well beyond the point where you think she should have got it.

 

I have one amazing child who was born teaching me how to clean and organize, one who seems hopeless, and the others are somewhere in between. And FYI, the ones who have difficulty keeping their surroundings neat seem to be the ones who are more likely to have organizational problems later, along with symptoms of ADHD and anxiety. I've seen that through three generations and I don't think it's a bad idea to keep it in mind for later. As you mentioned, creative and artistic...They also tend to be sensitive.

[SKL]

I have a kid like that.  I have to either clean it up myself or give very specific instructions and reminders.  For example, we get McD drive-thru about once a week.  I always tell them to put their food garbage into the bag when finished.  They always forget.  I remind them.  Depending on what else is going on, they may forget again.  Only if I stop everything and make them spend a specific time period gathering food and putting it into the bag does it get done.  Unfortunately, I don't usually remember to set aside time for that.  So I end up cleaning it myself.  No good habit learned.  :/  It is my own fault.

 

With junk around the house, I tell my kids that if they leave stuff lying around after they are done playing with it, I may throw it out.  And I do throw stuff out if I think it is junk.  Lilke the wonderful duct tape creations and so on.  Enough!  They need to either find a home for it or kiss it goodbye.  Periodically I remind them to pick up after themselves before pulling out any more stuff.  I also give them productive work to do so they don't have time to pull out every toy and craft they own.

 

The hair.  My daughter got so sick of having it painfully combed, she decided to get it cut short last summer.  It still gets tangled.  She is finally learning to comb it, and will sometimes ask me to comb it in the evening so it doesn't go a whole 24 hours between combs.  There is hope.

 

I really don't want to hand over the responsibility for cleaning the clutter yet.  Kids will stuff things into places they don't belong, and then when they go to find something they pull everything out again.  I am trying to develop an organization system that encourages them to put things away in the right place and maintain the system over time.  So it's a process for me as well as them.

[MotherGoose]

When dd is not at home I go through and get rid of all the junk she will NEVER miss (and she doesn't) but can't get rid of. I also give her a tote to put her treasures in and tell her when it's full she needs to empty it or I will. I also tell her either she can clean her room or I will (which means lots of things will be thrown away). If I have doubts about whether or not things will be missed I put them in the attic for awhile and then get rid of them.

[Critterfixer]

Mine are eleven, and they do love to hang on to all kinds of things. 

It has helped (although they would say they don't like this!) to provide a time and a routine for cleaning and for going through the treasure piles. Occasionally the treasure piles must be cleaned out. It helps to be on hand to appreciate the treasures, and to even snap a picture or two so that the amount can be thinned. There just isn't room for them to keep everything they want forever.

For the car, you could either keep a personal garbage bag or insist that she clean up after herself. I go for option two. It's part of the cleaning rotation. I take the front seat (that's my mess) and the boys take the back. It's on for about twice a month right now. We are not in the car a lot.

Can't offer any suggestions for the curly hair. But I bet she looks so cute when it's all nice and pretty! 

[sarasue7272]

I like the blog www.aslocomesclean.com

She did a podcast about kids a few weeks ago and listed some of the things her own mother did right. I think it was called disorganized kids.

Check out this great Podcast: http://feeds.feedburner.com/ASlobComesCleanPodcasts

[pehp]

Does she have a workable system for storage to begin with? It is hard to clean up if you're just not sure where things go.

 

I have a tidy child and an untidy child.  (Fortunately, untidy loves to clean!! just not to tidy.)  Once a week--Thursday is our day--we work *together* on each child's room, picking up, tidying, putting back, and throwing out, then I dust and vacuum.  I also tidy up with them in the evenings, usually--picking up toys on the floor, clothes on the floor, obvious messes, but only for about 2-5 minutes. So the daily requirement is about 5 mins per day, and then on Thursdays it takes us about 20-30 minutes to go through, and then another 20 or so to dust and vacuum.  So, all told, the time commitment is not that big!  And it is totally worth the peace that it brings to our household.

 

Labeled bins and drawers are your friend in this scenario, and just working alongside her is essential. A child who is not naturally able to tidy needs to learn it, and it may take a long time, but it won't happen without your involvement. 

 

As for the car, I would have a trash bin in the back, and she would have to throw her trash into the bin/bag before exiting.  This will take reinforcement on your part!

 

As for her hair, I recommend gently brushing it every morning and every evening, and if it is long enough to put in braids (I hope so!) braid it before bed.  I don't know a lot about curly hair, but I am guessing it can still be braided okay?  Braiding for nighttime is so helpful!!!  If it still gets tangled during the day, I'd do some pony-tailing or braiding during the day as well.  

 

Hang in there! 

 

ETA: over time, she may become actually helpful! My 'untidy' child is required to tidy up our living room/dining room every day, usually twice a day. He does this on his own and entirely without my help (although always at my request), though it took a couple of years of me 'helping' him to get him to this point.  Music helps! My children will do almost anything if I put on certain songs! He is so helpful, and I am grateful for the help he provides in keeping things neat in our main living space. 

[SparklyUnicorn]

I'm not too particular about my kid's rooms.  They can close the door if I don't want to look at it.  My only "rules" is no food and absolute garbage in there.  One of mine collects random stuff too.  I bought him some bins with lids so he can keep the crap in there. 

 

I don't allow food in the car, but I suppose for a long road trip I'd have to make an exception.  I'd make it a point to go out to the car the next day when you got back and cleaning it together.  Or keep a bag back there and have them toss trash in it when they are done.  If there is somewhere for the trash to go it'll make things easier. 

 

Might have her cut her hair shorter.