How old is too old to adopt a baby?

[MyLittleBears]

Hubby and I have a chance to adopt a 6 month old baby boy and his 18month old sister from foster care. I'm 38 and hubby is 49. We are active and in decent shape. No health problems and total health nuts. Our dc are 14, 11, 8, so we are definitely not out of parenting "mode" but it would be essentially like starting over and I realize I may be almost 60 before I'm done homeschooling. FYI though, we have always wanted to adopt.

[Ethel Mertz]

We adopted when I was 44 and my spouse was 55. No regrets. I will be 62 or 63 when I am done homeschooling. I figure it keeps my brain active.

[FaithManor]

A lot could depend more on the organization's guidelines than anything. We were going to adopt infants from a foreign country when dh was 44 and I was 40, but 44 was the "age out" guideline for adopting an infant under two years of age in those two countries.

 

Some states, in terms of adopting from foster care, have their own guidelines for this as well. Friends of ours just squeaked the adoption of an 18 month old under the wire before her 44 year old husband turned 45 because at 45, the social worker would not have recommended the adoption. It would have made him 62 when the child graduated from high school, and the age at which early retirement in some professions has become common. Others are okay with up to the age of 65 at the time of high school graduation. I do not personally know of a local agency that will allow a couple to adopt a child under two if one of the parents will be over 68 or older when the child reaches majority. There can also be additional guidelines if the infant will have long term medical problems and require significant physical care because of them.

 

So, you need to check with the agencies you are interested in working with because the decision may be out of your hands, or you may be pleasantly surprised to find that they are very flexible with your dh's age.

[Bensmom]

You and your dh know yourselves and your children better than anyone. If you have the time, energy, finances, and desire to raise two more beautiful children, then embrace the opportunity.

[torikei]

I gave birth to my youngest at 40 and 3 months later flew to China to adopt my second youngest daughter.  I have 2- sixteen year olds, 2-15 year olds, and 2- eleven year olds.  My cup definitely runneth over.  Adoption has been an amazing blessing for us as five of my six children are adopted.  The only words of restraint that i will offer is to ask yourself NOT whether you want another baby but whether you want another teenager.  Being 50 or older and having teenagers can be a challenge.   :laugh:   If you like the teenage years--you'll be fine but if you struggle with that age you might be in for a bumpy ride.  I enjoy my teenagers a lot.  They make me laugh.  There are times where I feel my hormones flying and theirs are too.   :scared: We talk about that--how crazy hormones can make you feel.  I wouldn't change anything.  Good luck with your decision.  Let me know if you have any other questions.  

 

Tori

[texasmama]

I gave birth at 38 so I think you're fine as long as the agency is okay with it.  I would not let age be a deciding factor.  Health, your family composition and the affects on your bio kids, and financial considerations would be more important than age, IMO.

[Ravin]

My mom was past sixty when the adoption on my youngest siblings went through. My step dad is 11 years younger than her, and the kids were 4 and 3, each had been placed with them within a few weeks of birth and they're biologically half-siblings. This was in Texas.

 

In short, you're not that old.

[MyLittleBears]

Thank you for all your replies. I definitely don't feel old and I don't feel "done" with parenting yet. It's more like, do I know what I'm taking on and is it fair to my bio dc. My older ds was just diagnosed w/ ASD (aspie) and my middle guy requires a lot of one on one teaching due to moderate dyslexia. I don't feel overwhelmed but my time will be divided for sure. 

[plansrme]

I don't think the issue is whether you are too old (assuming you are within the placing agency's guidelines) but whether you are the best parents for these children. If you are the best set of parents in line for them, then go for it. I also would consider, however, whether there is a couple out there who cannot have biological children but could afford and would be good parents to these babies. And I say this as a parent of an adopted and bio kids. It was important to me that I not take a kid away from someone who didn't get pregnant just from being in the same room as her husband, who didn't feel better-than-ever while pregnant, who didn't bounce back from delivery within hours. I am so not saying anyone else has to take this into consideration, but it was part of my thought process and is why I went to a country which, at least at the time, had more children than parents willing and able to adopt them.

 

I also want to be clear that I wholly support adoption by families who already have (or can have) bio kids. I truly make no judgments about other people's decisions. Well, I would make judgments if the Duggars adopt, because that would just be hoarding, but short of that, there are plenty of reasons a family who already has kids will be the best fit for a particular child(-ren). Best of luck with whatever you decide.

[Spryte]

I agree with FaithManor - you need to be familiar with the organization's guidelines.  If you'll be adopting through DSS, then talk to your social worker and see what s/he says.  If you're already being considered as prospective adoptive parents, then it's probably not an issue.

 

We adopted an infant (through DSS) when DH was almost 40 and I was 38.  Age was not an issue, and there are no guidelines for age in our state - so it wasn't a problem.

 

I think the bigger consideration is your other kids.  :)

 

Good luck.  It's a big decision, and I bet you already know the right answer for all of you!

[SKL]

You are not too old.  I was 40 when my kids were born, 41 when they came home.  I am 48 now and experiencing my age, but I still have a number of good years left in me, I think.  :)

 

You will be able to rely on your older kids to help, I'm sure.

 

I'm single and have no other kids, so if I can do this thing, you probably can too.  :P

 

I know people who were much older than you when they adopted.  As far as I can tell, their age is not a problem.

[marbel]

Not too old in my opinion.   I never adopted but my kids were born when I was 41 and 42.   And I know lots of people who have had large families and had babies well into their 40's.

[Ottakee]

I have to agree with Plansforme on this one......at least with the very limited information you gave.

 

I have been a foster mom to over 100 and adoptive mom to 3 through foster care.

 

I don't think you are too old to adopt kids this age but I would pause to consider:

 

Do the kids have a bond with a caregiver already that could adopt (like a current foster parent or even babysitter or other relative)

Do you have a relationship with the kids?

What needs do they have?

Are there other potential adoptive families out there that don't have other children that would love for the opportunity to parent 2 young siblings?

 

In our course of foster care/adoption we have had several kids that we have fostered that we decided NOT to adopt.  One was a 10 month old little boy whose mom was pregnant (and all indications were that child would go with the brother).  He went to a family with no children who struggled with infertility and they were blessed with him, his little brother and then a few years later yet another little brother from the same mom.  We could have adopted him but knew that there was another family willing and wanting to adopt.

 

Another one was a 9 month old little girl.  Again, we could have easily handled her and her needs (food allergies) but we talked candidly with the worker and asked if they had a family waiting to adopt a little girl and they knew of a great match for her in the area........so we let her go.

 

Same thing with a few others kids.

 

I don't think you are too old, but at least in our area, the social workers would tend to look at families with no other children if they had foster children that were not being adopted by their current foster children so you would likely not be near the top of the list...........unless you have a relationship with the children already, are a relative, they have special needs that make them harder to place, etc.

 

Then again, maybe these are the children God has planned for your family.

[catz]

You're young and vital!  I would totally go for it!  :)  ETA - based on your age anyway.  I do think adopting like that does take some good background knowledge of the situation,etc.  I know someone who took on a young sibling set for adoption and it just did not work out at all because of the kid's backgrounds and it ended pretty ugly.  So I always think caution is a good thing in situations like this.  But I wouldn't consider your age to be a factor at all! 

[momto10blessings]

I'd say 50 or so

[HS Mom in NC]

Read up on the range of issues possible for kids from fostercare.  If one or both fell into bad or worst case scenario territory, would you still do it? Assume you will not be given enough accurate information to know up front as is very common when adopting through fostercare.  Would you still do it?  What plans do you have in place should your or your spouse become unable to care for you adopted children? How would the back up plan people respond to children in the bad or worst case scenario territory?

[KrissiK]

All of our kids are adopted. My youngest is 4 and I am 47. We received her when she was 10 months old. No regrets here!

[MyLittleBears]

Okay, so this is the background. A friend who is the social worker for our county told me about these kids. It is a severe physical abuse situation. The baby at 6 mos  old already has a scar from a burn mark from a curling iron. He also has scoliosis. I was told this might be from being dropped or put down to hard but I'm not so sure if that can happen from a medical standpoint. Big sister frequently puts herself in "timeout" because that is where she feels safe. She is also all about protecting her little brother at 18months old. My friend told me they are desperate for a home for them because of these issues and sibling groups are hard to place. No family member has steped out to take these kids. Not mom, dad, grandparents, aunts, uncles, no one. Everyone seems to absorbed in there own issues to care. The odds they will go up for adoption is pretty high.They have basically been thrown away. It broke my heart. Age does not seem to be a factor in this county BUT other factor is tribal laws in this state. That does concern me because it would mean the could be with us for over a year (after they have bonded with our family) and be placed with someone from their tribe instead of us.

 

 

ETA: Our friend told us because about a year ago we almost adopted a baby from a friend of the family's underage daughter who had been raped. She ended up keeping her baby so it worked itself out.

[Lolly]

Agreeing with Plans4me and Ottakee. I have been in the waiting to adopt line. Are these children hard to place? Are you already bonded with them? Is there a couple who has been waiting for years for a child with whom they would be place otherwise? I would have great difficulty adopting very young children who could be placed with a couple who cannot have children biologically. There are so few young children available for adoption. If they are considered hard to place, I would have to do some deep soul searching as to whether or not I could handle their challenges. (You mentioned two of yours who have known difficulties.)

[texasmama]

Unless you are already an experienced foster parent, I would not take on this particular case, particularly given the tribal involvement. These are kids who could very likely not be available for adoption, and the road to get there is long. I thought they were already available for adoption, but this sounds like a recent removal.

[Lolly]

Okay, so this is the background. A friend who is the social worker for our county told me about these kids. It is a severe physical abuse situation. The baby at 6 mos  old already has a scar from a burn mark from a curling iron. He also has scoliosis. I was told this might be from being dropped or put down to hard but I'm not so sure if that can happen from a medical standpoint. Big sister puts herself in "timeout" because that is where she feels safe. She is also all about protecting her little brother at 18months old. My friend told me they are desperate for a home for them because of these issues and sibling groups are hard to place. No family member has steped out to take these kids. Not mom, dad, grandparents, aunts, uncles, no one. Everyone seems to absorbed in there own issue to care. The odds they will go up for adoption is pretty high.They have basically been thrown away. It broke my heart. Age does not seem to be a factor in this county BUT other factor is tribal laws in this state. That does concern me because it would mean the could be with us for over a year (after they have bonded with our family) and be placed with someone from their tribe instead of us.

 

 

ETA: Our friend told us because about a year ago we almost adopted a baby from a friend of the family's underage daughter. She ended up keeping her baby so it worked itself out.

 

A sibling group of only 2 who are those ages would be easily placed. I doubt scoliosis would be much of a issue. Depends on the severity and long range prognosis, of course. A scar on the back? I would think totally off the radar. Tribal laws---huge flag. That is probably their biggest hurdle to being adopted. I would look into it, but be ready to be disappointed. I would also ask the social worker point blank about whether or not a childless couple is available who would want to adopt them.

[MyLittleBears]

Yes, the removal is recent. We have never fostered but have thought about it many times. I guess we have "bleeding hearts".

My friend made it sound pretty desperate. I texted her the next day and she immediately put me on speaker phone with a case worker. It was almost as if they were ready to ship them off to us right away. 

[MyLittleBears]

A sibling group of only 2 who are those ages would be easily placed. I doubt scoliosis would be much of a issue. Depends on the severity and long range prognosis, of course. A scar on the back? I would think totally off the radar. Tribal laws---huge flag. That is probably their biggest hurdle to being adopted. I would look into it, but be ready to be disappointed. I would also ask the social worker point blank about whether or not a childless couple is available who would want to adopt them.

 

 

The scar is on his leg, I believe.

 

I was also told that although tribal laws trump all other laws, they are meticulous in making  sure that the children are cleared completely before attempting to adopt them out.

[Lolly]

The scar is on his leg, I believe.

 

I was also told that although tribal laws trump all other laws, they are meticulous in making  sure that the children are cleared completely before attempting to adopt them out.

 

Still just a scar on an infant.Even if surgery is needed for it down the road, it isn't going to be a deterent to someone who wants a baby. It is something that can be clearly identified and understood.

 

Tribal law is trickier. Many adoptions have been disrupted because of it. Adoptive parents (outside the tribe) will be leary because of it. It has been in the news too much in the recent past.

[AimeeM]

Well, this makes me a bit sad. We were talking about adoption in a couple of years... but DH is 45 now (I'm 30), so it looks like it may be much trickier than we had thought.

 

ETA: I agree that tribal law could make things tricky here. I have a childhood friend who doesn't have her children (they were removed). Despite having no suitable candidates to take the children on the reservation, the tribe refused to allow them to reside outside of the rez, so they were placed with drug addict relatives. It's a mess.

[texasmama]

Yes, the removal is recent. We have never fostered but have thought about it many times. I guess we have "bleeding hearts".

My friend made it sound pretty desperate. I texted her the next day and she immediately put me on speaker phone with a case worker. It was almost as if they were ready to ship them off to us right away.

This is a red flag, too. Are you licensed foster parents? Is your friend associated with CPS?

 

I know this tugs at your heart, but it would be heartbreaking for you and your bio kids to leap into this with a more than fair chance of it lingering in the legal system a long time with no resolution and then quite possibly ending with the children being removed and placed with the tribe. That is a lot to ask of seasoned foster parents, much less brand new ones.

[Ravin]

Is their case in tribal court or state court? States vary in how willing they are to heed a tribe at the 11th hour when an adoption is lined up and the child is bonded with the adoptive parents. Even if it's in tribal court, the best interests of the children and whether another disruption will harm them is weighed in the consideration of final placement, especially when no family have stepped forward. How it's all weighed varies from one court to another. In short, I wouldn't let the risk of possible disruption over ICWA stop me if that was the only reservation I had (though I wouldn't entirely stop holding my breath until the adoption was final).

[texasmama]

Is their case in tribal court or state court? States vary in how willing they are to heed a tribe at the 11th hour when an adoption is lined up and the child is bonded with the adoptive parents. Even if it's in tribal court, the best interests of the children and whether another disruption will harm them is weighed in the consideration of final placement, especially when no family have stepped forward. How it's all weighed varies from one court to another. In short, I wouldn't let the risk of possible disruption over ICWA stop me if that was the only reservation I had (though I wouldn't entirely stop holding my breath until the adoption was final).

This is a new removal. The kids are likely in temporary emergency care. No plan has been made, according to the OP, as that is how she came to learn of the kids.

 

In TX, CPS will not place kids in unlicensed non kinship care homes so this would not even be a consideration.

[MyLittleBears]

Thank you for all your replies. Yes the children are in emergency care. My friend is a social worker, specifically in CPS for our county. She knew of our "almost adoption" about a year ago hence the possibility of us saying yes and getting foster care certification in a hurry. I did some calling around and the children can be placed prior to completion of the license if the parents have a clear background check and are "in the process". You just don't receive the stipend until everything is done, which would be totally fine with us. That is not even a consideration for us as we are financially secure. Our real concern is the tribal laws and for me it was the fact that I would be starting over with babies with a possibility of special needs. 

 

 

[plansrme]

That seems odd that two such young babies would be in the "desperation" category. Race, modest special needs, whatever--my anecdotal experience is that there would still be plenty of families in line for babies that young. Any chance the SW suspects FAS? That would be a tough special need to take on when you already have kids in the family. Tough anyway, but especially with other kids. (And I mention FAS because of the abuse and also, yes, because of the high rate of alcoholism among Native Americans.)

[MyLittleBears]

That seems odd that two such young babies would be in the "desperation" category. Race, modest special needs, whatever--my anecdotal experience is that there would still be plenty of families in line for babies that young. Any chance the SW suspects FAS? That would be a tough special need to take on when you already have kids in the family. Tough anyway, but especially with other kids. (And I mention FAS because of the abuse and also, yes, because of the high rate of alcoholism among Native Americans.)

 

 

Yes this seemed odd to me too. I haven't been told of FAS but I supposed the just haven't offered the information. It has given me a lot to think about. 

[momacacia]

Ermm I'm having a 4th at 42. Not "the plan" but really only adds a few more years into parenting and homeschooling, if I last that long. Yeah, I'll be 60 when this one graduates high school.

 

I know a hsing mom of 12 or so. The youngest 4 we're adopted from China. I'm guessing she was 52 when she adopted the last little girl who was 3 or 4 at the time.

 

You obviously want and would love these children. What a big heart you have! Let them be blessed with your love! :)

[City Mouse]

I would not get your hearts seton then if they are Native American. My sister, who lives in Dallas and had since adopted 3 kids from foster care, had a set of sibling once that were Native American. They were taken away from her home on no notice because the tribe decided they they wanted tokeepthe kids. In fact she got no notice at all. The kids were attending an approved day care center and were picked up by the case worker from the center. My sister found out about it when she went to pick the kids up.

[FaithManor]

My understanding from two different couples who have attempted to adopt children who were part Native American here in Michigan is that the process is difficult, frought with crazy, and did not yield a finalized adoption but did end with the children being removed with ZERO notice.

 

Also, there is a very high rate of FAS amongst NA babies placed in the system. So one should definitely become educated on the special needs these children have so you aren't surprised.

 

I know that sounds discouraging, but it's best to go into such an adoption process with your eyes wide open.

[SKL]

I wonder if there is an option for you to foster them until they are cleared for adoption - or taken away.  You'd have to have an unbreakable heart, though.

[texasmama]

I wonder if there is an option for you to foster them until they are cleared for adoption - or taken away. You'd have to have an unbreakable heart, though.

This is the only option right now. The kids are not legally freed for adoption.

[indigomama]

Based on age, no I do not think you are too old. If physically just based on age, you COULD have more biological children (which at 38 is entirely possible), then I don't think you are too old. 

 

As far as should you? That only you can answer. You said that while your bio children have some special needs, they are being addressed and your family is doing fine. Maybe this children, who probably will have some special needs, need parents who are seasoned and can understand them.

 

And, I live in a state and area that sees NA foster children. I know that foster parents have been able their children with the agreement of the tribe, as long as they put a plan into place to help the children stay connected to the tribe and their heritage.

 

Best wishes with whatever happens!

[Ottakee]

Thanks for the additional information.

 

SO much will depend on the state you are in the tribe that is involved.

 

These children will likely NOT be available for adoption for at least a year......or more.  Even if the bio parents BOTH sign off on the children and release their parental rights tomorrow it is still a long process.  Most likely though there will be multiple court hearings, likely weekly or more (in our state it is 3 hours a week for infants) visits with bio mom and bio dad that at least must be offered---with you transporting to the visits and back home, counseling for the bio parents, and on and on.  Bio parents are almost always given 12 months to try prove themselves capable  to parent again and if not, THEN they terminate.  If the kids have 2 different bio fathers then it gets even more complicated.

 

Are you prepared to deal with the foster care system for 1-2 years before an adoption would be possible?  Even after termination the adoption can take 6 months to 2-3 years to finalize.

 

Sounds like the baby has medical needs that will need care and possibly bracing/surgery, etc. depending on the severity and cause of the scoliosis.  The girl will also need a lot of healing time.  I know you said you don't need the money but make sure the children have state medical care as just co-pays and deductibles alone could be huge.

 

Fetal alcohol is a huge concern as well, esp. as to them being Native American.  You may (or may not) get an honest answer from bio mom as to her drinking history and/or drug use.

 

Then there is the Native American issue.  Again, depending on your state, the tribe they are under, their blood quantum, tribal enrollment status, etc. you may or may not ever be allowed to adopt them.  Most of the times the tribe holds the final say in these cases and can say you can foster them but not adopt, or adopt under certain conditions, etc.  My dh is a NA enrolled tribal member and I am native as well so we were able to foster and adopt Native American kids.  Even then the tribe did have to approve us.  For us, it was easy though as our ds is from the same tribe and band as dh so it wasn't a big issue.

 

Not to discourage you at all but just a reality check to make sure you are ready to parent these kids for 1-2 years before even finding out if you could legally adopt them.

It still seems weird that in your county there are NO currently licensed foster parents that will take on a 6 month old and 18 month old unless there is a lot more to the story.

 

If you do take the kids, I would be prepared for 1-2 visits per week with bio parents, 1-2 medical appointments per week, esp. for the baby and possibly in home physical or occupational therapy.  The older one might need early intervention or the very beginnings of play therapy for her trauma.

 

Another key is to make SURE SURE SURE that you and dh are TOTALLY on board with this plan as it just won't work if you aren't.  The kids will be demanding and take a lot of attention away from your older kids, might not sleep well, etc.

 

That all said, I have fostered and adopted kids that fit their description and it can be a very rewarding experience.

[Catwoman]

I am no adoption or foster care expert, but I agree with those who have already posted that it seems like there must be more to this story than you are being told.

 

Aside from the legalities, if there is a strong possibility that these children will have special needs of any kind, are you sure it will be fair to your bio kids if you choose to foster or adopt them? Your own kids are still young and they need you, and you are also dealing with ASD and dyslexia which, while certainly not terrible things, will still require your time and energy for years to come.

 

I guess my biggest concern is how your kids feel about this. I think it may be more difficult than you think to get all of your bio children onboard with suddenly having two brand new siblings who will both need a tremendous amount of attention and emotional support from the family -- and how you will all feel if things do work out well, yet the little ones end up being taken from you because one of the relatives has a last-minute change of heart.

 

I think it is wonderful that you want to do this, but please don't underestimate the amount of time and energy it will take if the children end up needing frequent trips to doctors and therapists, as well as how much your existing routines and schedules will have to change -- and how many sacrifices your bio children will need to make in order for you to properly care for the little ones.

 

I'm sorry to seem so negative, but I am seeing more downsides to the situation than positives.

[MyLittleBears]

I am no adoption or foster care expert, but I agree with those who have already posted that it seems like there must be more to this story than you are being told.

 

Aside from the legalities, if there is a strong possibility that these children will have special needs of any kind, are you sure it will be fair to your bio kids if you choose to foster or adopt them? Your own kids are still young and they need you, and you are also dealing with ASD and dyslexia which, while certainly not terrible things, will still require your time and energy for years to come.

 

I guess my biggest concern is how your kids feel about this. I think it may be more difficult than you think to get all of your bio children onboard with suddenly having two brand new siblings who will both need a tremendous amount of attention and emotional support from the family -- and how you will all feel if things do work out well, yet the little ones end up being taken from you because one of the relatives has a last-minute change of heart.

 

I think it is wonderful that you want to do this, but please don't underestimate the amount of time and energy it will take if the children end up needing frequent trips to doctors and therapists, as well as how much your existing routines and schedules will have to change -- and how many sacrifices your bio children will need to make in order for you to properly care for the little ones.

 

I'm sorry to seem so negative, but I am seeing more downsides to the situation than positives.

 

Thanks for this.  I like looking at the negs as well as the pos. My dc are on board BUT they are young and would obviously not understand about trauma, etc. You're right, my bio children would have to make BIG sacrifices. I'm not sure if I want them to. We already do have OT and SLP for my older two's issues so adding more would be a bit overwhelming. 

[MyLittleBears]

I would not get your hearts seton then if they are Native American. My sister, who lives in Dallas and had since adopted 3 kids from foster care, had a set of sibling once that were Native American. They were taken away from her home on no notice because the tribe decided they they wanted tokeepthe kids. In fact she got no notice at all. The kids were attending an approved day care center and were picked up by the case worker from the center. My sister found out about it when she went to pick the kids up.

 

 

This is my fear. Why, why, why do they say this is all in the best interest of the child, when obviously removing them with no notice can be just as traumatic for them if not more, than for the foster parents. It seems almost abusive.  

[SparklyUnicorn]

That doesn't sound old to me at all.

 

 

[Starr]

Thanks for this.  I like looking at the negs as well as the pos. My dc are on board BUT they are young and would obviously not understand about trauma, etc. You're right, my bio children would have to make BIG sacrifices. I'm not sure if I want them to. We already do have OT and SLP for my older two's issues so adding more would be a bit overwhelming. 

 

 

That's the serious thing to consider.  :grouphug:

[Spryte]

Maybe you could ask yourself if you are ready to foster at this point in life? Reframing it that way might help you decide. Because even if the plan is ultimately foster to adopt, you will be fostering for quite some time, as prospective adoptive parents.

 

Fostering is a huge decision. When we decided to foster parent, we had to think through the impact on our current kids, among many other issues.

 

Whatever the story with these kids, it will be a long road for them.

[HS Mom in NC]

Here we have no expectation of adopting Native American children.  There was a family that got a sibling set of 7 because no tribal members would take them, but that's the extremely rare exception.

 

Around here not only are there common substance abuse issues but there are also common mental health issues too.  Those can be inherited.

[Ottakee]

Maybe you could ask yourself if you are ready to foster at this point in life? Reframing it that way might help you decide. Because even if the plan is ultimately foster to adopt, you will be fostering for quite some time, as prospective adoptive parents.

 

Fostering is a huge decision. When we decided to foster parent, we had to think through the impact on our current kids, among many other issues.

 

Whatever the story with these kids, it will be a long road for them.

THIS is great.  If you are ready and willing to foster them for a year or more, then most certainly pursue it.  If on the other hand you really only want to adopt, then look at other options.  Foster care is a huge ministry but it does alter your life.  Right now we have an 11 year old boy and we have twice a week court mandated visits that we must transport too and counseling once a week.  With littles, esp. with their needs you are looking at a lot of appointments a week likely for months or years.

[Carrie12345]

I don't have a set personal opinion on age and babies.

But you know how people talk about hearing their biological clocks ticking?  This thread now has me panicking over the sound of my non-biological clock!

[Ottakee]

My Little Bears.........I hope we didn't scare you away.

 

Adoption is great, it is the foster care stuff that is so hard.  We have an 11 year old boy right now .....3rd time in care, now bio dad is interested but had never met the kid until 2 weeks ago, and now a relative might be interested in all 5 kids.  Likely neither of these places will pan out but yet the kid hangs in limbo while the adults and the courts try to figure it all out.

[Anne in CA]

This is my fear. Why, why, why do they say this is all in the best interest of the child, when obviously removing them with no notice can be just as traumatic for them if not more, than for the foster parents. It seems almost abusive.  

Because it IS abusive. It abuses the trust of the people who put themselves out to take in children that were not their own, and it abuses the trust of the children who had already had their trust abused. It is disgusting.

[Ottakee]

Just a bit of history (personal) for those Native American laws ICWA for native kids in foster care.  First, I do NOT agree with just sweeping in and removing kids from a stable foster home, etc.

 

The basis behind the law from the early 70s I believe is that there was a time in history where Native American kids were being removed from their parents and adopted out to white homes to "civilize" the kids.  Not all of these cases were due to abuse/neglect either. 

 

My MIL was taken from her family and sent to an Indian catholic boarding school with her siblings but yet couldn't have contact with her siblings at school.  They didn't want the kids to use their native language, dress, names, etc.  She was there for many years only rarely seeing her parents or 10 siblings.

 

The IDEA behind the law is to keep Native kids in Native foster/adoptive homes if at all possible which is a good thing but in reality, often the kids get stuck in a messed up system where there aren't enough appropriate Native homes so the law can prevent them from finding stability in a non native home.

 

My friend did adopt an Eskimo girl.  Her and her dh are white but the tribe gave their blessing on the adoption with a few stipulations that the girl be allowed to keep her native tribal membership and a few other things.  It can be done, but it isn't always easy.