When you play games with your kids, do you let them win?

[PeterPan]

I'm trying to post this as a poll, so we'll see if it works.

 

It's one of those days where the K5er wants to play Star Trek Catan, plays Star Trek Catan, and then melts down because he loses.  Sometimes I let him switch sides and take my side, but this time I forgot.  If you have these kids who melt down when they lose, how do you handle it?  Oh, and I was one.   :D

 

[Carrie12345]

I don't really know how to answer.  Sometimes I'll "play down" in order to extend the game or soften their eventual loss.  Sometimes that backfires and they wind up winning.  But, no, I never completely throw a game.

[Hwin]

If it's a game of skill I help them make decisions, or explain my decision making process. If it's a game of luck then I do not usually let my kid win.

 

He is explosive about losing and it's a real chore to play games with him. 

[Dmmetler]

. DD started playing family games by about age 3, so there have been times we've altered rules to make it easier for her. At this point, she really doesn't need the advantage, and honestly, it usually ends up being about equal. She does tend to prefer games that have a little more of a chance element, I prefer strategy games that are less directly competitive (things like Dominion and Race for the Galaxy, when it is entirely possible to plan out your strategy and play it without regard to what other people are doing and be successful), DH prefers games that are directly competitive and highly strategic, so we take turns picking which games to play.

 

 

[vonfirmath]

A lot of the early games we played were not win/lose but "Everyone play together to a common goal"

 

Haba Orchard

Busytown

Snail's Race.

 

I don't intentionally lose for my kids. But we tend to play games that they have a realistic chance of winning if they follow the rules (Uno, War, Candyland, Go Fish, Yahtzee Jr.) and for games like Bananagrams we play more together than one against the other.

[Aiden]

I also didn't know how to answer with your options. We tend to play short games, several times in a row. (Think Spot It Jr., for example.) I let my daughter win some games so she doesn't get discouraged, but I don't let her win all--or even half--of the games, because I want her to have realistic ideas of her capabilities and her chances if she plays with others. She hasn't gotten upset at not winning, but if she did show an inappropriate reaction to losing, we'd be done playing until she was ready to be a good sport.

[Tangerine]

We are the same as some previous posters. We help them make strategic choices, we don't play super aggressively, but typically we don't just throw the game. We also played cooperative games when they were small, like Harvest Time. My DS 8 is just now to the point where he doesn't get a little weepy about losing.

[*Lulu*]

It really depends.

 

I have been known not to strike the winning blow in games of strategy in order to let the kids have an opportunity to figure it out. I don't find crushing them fun. DH on the other hand......I thoroughly enjoy annihilating him at several games. (Playing Uno with DH and MIL is awesome and cutthroat.)

 

Games that I choose with learning in mind, (like ABC Spot It, Mummy Math, 7 ate 9, Timeline, Etc.), I will purposely lose. Not always, but occasionally. Like when we were trying to work on Bug's letter recognition using the Spot It game; he gets very easily discouraged and so I quietly informed everyone that we were to throw all games. Eventually he was at a point that he could hold his own and we all now play that game to win. In the early days though getting him to want to play was critical. He loved wining and would pull out the game multiple times a day and challange me. The bonus was that he had become discouraged about learning his letters (there is a SN issue at play) and by winning he began to feel confident and started telling others, and himself, that he was awesome at the alphabet.

 

I think that always letting the youngest win is not a great plan. I also think that there is wisdom in losing a pawn to gain a queen.

[MiMi 4under3]

I've let my kids win, for example, a round of tic-tac-toe or checkers when they were, say, under 5. But above that age, we play for real.

 

They've never had "issues" with losing - sure, nobody likes to lose, but they've never had a major meltdown, just the usual grumpiness for a few seconds, if even that.

[ThursdayNext]

I had a hard time choosing a poll option. I'm not always super competitive with the kids. I'll cut them a break sometimes, and if E has lost 3 in a row, I'd try to help her win, or at least have a chance. My husband and I feel bad if someone is losing 100%. So we'll try to help them get 25% wins, or something. But neither of us like to just give the game away, maybe just even the playing field a little.

If you need 10 points to win, everyone has 7 but the one kid who has 2, we'll all help them out. But when we all get to 9 points together, it's cutthroat.

 

We also have a script. When someone else wins, you say, "Yay, Charlie! Good game!" And give them 5. When you win, limit it to 2 comments, and don't go on and on bragging.

[AK_Mom4]

Because of the age difference (6 years between kids 3&4), youngest DD and I played as a team for years. My older three are all very cut throat.

 

Once DD13 got to the age where she could keep up in strategy games, she started playing her own side. And lost lots of games until she learned (remember everyone else is at least six years ahead!).

 

She is not very competitive but has mastered the games and enjoys them. My older kids are still all very competitive and hate losing but have learned to (mostly) take it with good humor.

[blondeviolin]

We have had kids that don't lose well. At all. Annoyingly, they're also the kids that obsessively pull out game after game. My oldest sore loser got over it after playing games so frequently and often games with an element of luck. We also are broken records with the platitudes: "Not everyone can win every game." The rule at our house is that if you can't deal with losing, you can't play and you may go to your room until you're ready to be sociable. The thrill of another game usually gets them over it.

[PeterPan]

. DD started playing family games by about age 3, so there have been times we've altered rules to make it easier for her. At this point, she really doesn't need the advantage, and honestly, it usually ends up being about equal. She does tend to prefer games that have a little more of a chance element, I prefer strategy games that are less directly competitive (things like Dominion and Race for the Galaxy, when it is entirely possible to plan out your strategy and play it without regard to what other people are doing and be successful), DH prefers games that are directly competitive and highly strategic, so we take turns picking which games to play.

I hadn't thought about it that way.  I've heard about Dominion and haven't bought it.  I've been playing Agricola for myself on the ipad (solo series), and what you're saying makes sense that what he enjoys it the thought process, and that if we can give him that while decreasing the competition side he'd be happy.  I love that a game like Catan brings together skills for him (number recognition, simple addition, sequencing, working memory), so I'm happy to play it.  It's just the actual losing is a mess.  I like that idea though and will look those games up.  They had Dominion on a deal on amazon at Christmas and I didn't buy it.  I didn't really know if we'd want it or not.  Ds has been trying to play ST Catan for a year now but now he's really able to do it.  You know, I think we may have played 2+ hours.  Maybe part of it was mental fatigue?  Maybe if we set a timer and take breaks so he doesn't get tired?  I don't know that he was worn out, but he may have been.  He used to get so tired during it he'd just melt down, which is why we stopped playing.  Now he's making it to the end but melting down about losing.

 

Hmm, and that's a good point that we can alternate, hmmm.  He tends to get stuck on one game and then we play a lot of it.

[PeterPan]

A lot of the early games we played were not win/lose but "Everyone play together to a common goal"

 

Haba Orchard

Busytown

Snail's Race.

 

I don't intentionally lose for my kids. But we tend to play games that they have a realistic chance of winning if they follow the rules (Uno, War, Candyland, Go Fish, Yahtzee Jr.) and for games like Bananagrams we play more together than one against the other.

Playing together can work.  I should see if there are strategy games that have solo versions.  The app version of Agricola does, but we also enjoy having the physical pieces to move.

[PeterPan]

I also didn't know how to answer with your options. We tend to play short games, several times in a row. (Think Spot It Jr., for example.) I let my daughter win some games so she doesn't get discouraged, but I don't let her win all--or even half--of the games, because I want her to have realistic ideas of her capabilities and her chances if she plays with others. She hasn't gotten upset at not winning, but if she did show an inappropriate reaction to losing, we'd be done playing until she was ready to be a good sport.

Absolutely!  I do that with short games like Connect 4.  I'll tell him best of 7 and then lose track.  But for long games, doesn't work.

[PeterPan]

We are the same as some previous posters. We help them make strategic choices, we don't play super aggressively, but typically we don't just throw the game. We also played cooperative games when they were small, like Harvest Time. My DS 8 is just now to the point where he doesn't get a little weepy about losing.

Hmm, so not to be nosey, but that hadn't occurred to me.  You're saying a neuro-typical boy with no developmental issues or special needs might struggle with losing till age 8 or more simply as a part of normal development?  Interesting.

[PeterPan]

Depending on the game I sometimes offer these options, sort of like the levels of a computer game:

 

1. Random (I will lose)

2. Average (It will be a close game with equal chance of a win, lose, or tie)

3. Good (I will try my best to win)

Oh now THERE'S an option I hadn't thought of!   :lol:  So you're saying simply ask him upfront what he's in the mood for.  Love it.   :hurray:

[reign]

I totally let them win sometimes. I don't even know how it is possible not too. Maybe I'm just amazing but I would totally kick their butts every time. Oldest two are now mostly competent but my youngest still gets thrown a win. Only one of my kids is a poor loser. She is still working on losing gracefully. She is extremely competitive in almost any activity. Her team lost during a gym class the other day and she behaved politely in class and waited till she was in the car to freak out. That's progress.

[PeterPan]

It really depends.

 

I have been known not to strike the winning blow in games of strategy in order to let the kids have an opportunity to figure it out. I don't find crushing them fun. DH on the other hand......I thoroughly enjoy annihilating him at several games. (Playing Uno with DH and MIL is awesome and cutthroat.)

 

Games that I choose with learning in mind, (like ABC Spot It, Mummy Math, 7 ate 9, Timeline, Etc.), I will purposely lose. Not always, but occasionally. Like when we were trying to work on Bug's letter recognition using the Spot It game; he gets very easily discouraged and so I quietly informed everyone that we were to throw all games. Eventually he was at a point that he could hold his own and we all now play that game to win. In the early days though getting him to want to play was critical. He loved wining and would pull out the game multiple times a day and challange me. The bonus was that he had become discouraged about learning his letters (there is a SN issue at play) and by winning he began to feel confident and started telling others, and himself, that he was awesome at the alphabet.

 

I think that always letting the youngest win is not a great plan. I also think that there is wisdom in losing a pawn to gain a queen.

I appreciate this explanation, thanks!  :)

[Mom22ns]

I voted that I let them win, but I used the 80-20 strategy to make sure he got practice losing too. I have one that had a really hard time and if he lost at any game, he never wanted to play it again. It was tough. We let him win most of the time, but made sure he lost now and then to try to build his tolerance. He learned to behave well when he lost, but he didn't get over being super competitive. He still can't really handle losing and would prefer not to play a lot of the time.

 

I am the same way. I am super competitive. If I can't win, I'd rather not play. I can play for fun, but if I'm playing to win... look out. I will not play anything that I tend to be very competitive about with my dh. It isn't good for our marriage. I will play kids games that are luck based and I love to play games with him where we can play together as a team. I do have to manage my competitiveness carefully though, and I think my ds always will too.

 

BTW, my family went with, never let kids win. They should learn to lose by losing a lot. It didn't help me any. I tried a gentler system. I don't know that it helped ds a lot. As we get older we learn to control the outward response, but it doesn't change the inward response. We are who we are.

[Tangerine]

Hmm, so not to be nosey, but that hadn't occurred to me. You're saying a neuro-typical boy with no developmental issues or special needs might struggle with losing till age 8 or more simply as a part of normal development? Interesting.

I think so. He didn't get angry or belligerent or anything like that. He's just the sensitive sort, and a little weepy is his go to response for things that are a little upsetting or disappointing. I've seen kids at pinewood derbies getting teary about losing over and over again. I think it's pretty normal.

[Petrichor]

I voted "under a certain age, yes" but I really mean "under a certain maturity level, yes" meaning, if they can't handle losing, I will play less aggressively. BUT, I don't just throw the game, though I might under certain situations (like if he is in a bad mood, and I want him to stop whining about something else.) 

 

But especially with some kids games (eg. candy land or chutes and ladders) where there is no strategy, I can't help it, and I'm not about to cheat to let myself lose, if that makes sense.

[PeterPan]

We have had kids that don't lose well. At all. Annoyingly, they're also the kids that obsessively pull out game after game. My oldest sore loser got over it after playing games so frequently and often games with an element of luck. We also are broken records with the platitudes: "Not everyone can win every game." The rule at our house is that if you can't deal with losing, you can't play and you may go to your room until you're ready to be sociable. The thrill of another game usually gets them over it.

Hmm, so that's an idea.  What are your favorite games that have an element of luck to them?  You're right that a lot of our games have strategy involved, and at that point you're so invested it's hard to lose.  Some things like Chutes and Ladders are on the young end.  Any you suggest?

[Petrichor]

My DS5 sometimes freaks out if he can tell he is about to lose, but in the past few months, after playing more and more games (and letting him know that it's not fun if you throw the board across the room and that we will not play with him if he does that) he's gotten the idea that sometimes you win, and sometimes you lose. 

 

 

[Petrichor]

Hmm, so that's an idea.  What are your favorite games that have an element of luck to them?  You're right that a lot of our games have strategy involved, and at that point you're so invested it's hard to lose.  Some things like Chutes and Ladders are on the young end.  Any you suggest?

 

sorry/trouble/ludo are good ones. 

 

Other board games that use dice or cards to tell you how many spaces to move too. You could make your own board game like this, in whatever theme you'd like.

 

yahtzee has some element of strategy, but its mainly luck.

[Petrichor]

My DS 5's favorite game right not is big picture apples to apples, and he is pretty good at uno too. Maybe sticking closer to his level? let him play games that play to his strengths rather than games that have too far out of his league.

[MysteryJen]

I don't think I ever let my kids win. And they certainly don't let each other win. The only things we did to minimize the competitive fire (which burns brightly in our house) were a few rules. 1. Winners pick up the game. Everyone else scatters so there are no gloating opportunities. 2. If you are a bad loser, no one will play another game with you and mom won't make them.

My kids are good sports about losing, but they have had a lot of practice!

[Loowit]

When my kids were little we mostly played games of chance, where you can't really "let them win".  Candyland is pretty much luck of the draw.  As they got older I would play down a bit so they had a more equal chance to win, but I never set out to just let them win.  My youngest especially has a hard time losing and it is good for him to learn how to handle it.  I play games that he is naturally better, and then play games he struggles more with and may lose.  The mix of winning and losing helps.

[bolt.]

I don't "let them win" on purpose, but I do play in a 'childlike' way -- meaning that I'm not always completely applying myself, sometimes not paying total attention, not actually being terribly strategic and competitive to the best of my ability. I also help them do well on their own turns, encouraging them to notice their own opportunities for good moves (even to my own detriment), etc.

 

I also only play games that they fully understand and are capable of -- not games (ie board games) that I genuinely understand better than they do, or physical games that give great advantage to adult strength or size.

 

(Junior Catan is an even playing field for kids and adults, because there's nothing extra to 'get' with an adult brain. I don't think regular Catan is -- adults understand it a lot better than kids do.) Many of the adult games I adapt for play with my kids by making them co-operative. There are two "players" on the board, but, we, the "team" are in charge of deciding the best move for each "player" on their turn. We've played Catan this way, as well as "Pandemic" and "Kingdom Builders' and many others. I also make modifications to various rules to simplify things and put success within their reach. Most of my 'real games' have a cue card inside with the 'official junior version' notes.

 

Mine have always handled loosing well, except in rare cases where they perceived something as actually unfair, or if they were really tired or hungry or something. Our biggest problem is that they take for-ev-er on their turns! It tries my patience sometimes. Or they are careless with pieces. Being careless with pieces of an adult game is an immediate game-over in my family.

[Dmmetler]

The favorite big kid mostly chance game here is Munchkin, which I find roughly about as annoying as Candyland, but I'll play now and then to make DD happy. I'm thrilled when she has other kids her age to play it without!

[HS Mom in NC]

The poll is too narrowly worded so I have to explain.

 

It's not all or nothing, sink or swim.  We homeschool so we teach very thoroughly-even strategy games.

 

My husband and 2 of my 3  kids are big strategy gamers.  He begins by explaining the game, then playing with cards face up (or whatever element of the game is hidden from the view of other players) for all players and he talks through what each person has in their hand, how each player should think about how to use those cards (or whatever) and why they should do it that way as opposed to other ways.  It's slow but it's effective if you do it 2-3 times that way.  Then, after those hand holding sessions, everyone plays to win.  No one would even consider playing to lose because we don't believe in altering reality for our children.  We teach them to deal with the world as it is. 

 

We haven't had major blow outs about losing around here. We've had some small frustrations but we're not the type of people who are worried about our children being happy all the time.  Life has its disappointments.  Get used to it. It's part of the emotional maturation process to face disappointments.

 

[FriedClams]

For me, this is a character issue and I'd commit to working on it.

 

1. I'd discuss the behaviour and how it' a problem.

2. I'd let them know what I expect and model it. (Losing a game, shaking hands, and saying with a smile, "Thank you for playing with me".)

3. I'd get a game out. I'd clarify limits (if you whine or complain, I will put the game up. Immediately.) Follow through.

4. I'd play games daily until the habit is one of kindness and gracious losing.

[PeterPan]

My DS 5's favorite game right not is big picture apples to apples, and he is pretty good at uno too. Maybe sticking closer to his level? let him play games that play to his strengths rather than games that have too far out of his league.

It's not out of his level.  He consistently plays games multiple, multiple years above his age level and tests that way per the psych.  He asked for the game, has played it before, and likes it.  He actually almost beat me today and I can see his strategies maturing.  If I stop asking for trades (to help my side) and give him trades he wants, that alone would probably take care of it.  The issue with losing is across the years and across the games, sigh.  I think there's something to this idea that he's more *invested* in this so losing is harder.

[73349]

My motto is that if it's not a fun game even if you lose, we should find something else to do. I do not lose intentionally, but I do sometimes ask if he'd like a hint if it's a strategy game. He doesn't mind losing so much if it's obviously a matter of luck (like bingo).

 

We have explicit rules for the end of a win-lose game: If another person wins, the rest of us say, "Congratulations." The winner responds, "Thank you for playing with me." Then we decide whether we're going to play again.

[Lady Florida.]

When ds was very little we let him win. Usually we were playing Candyland or Chutes and Ladders. As I answered in the poll, we then started backing down on the number of times we let him win. Two wins, a loss, five wins. It wasn't really 80-20, it was completely random. Dh and I had this eye contact thing where we would decide by looking at each other whether we'd let him win a particular game. Our decision was often based on ds' mood at the time.

 

He was a bit weird as kids often are. He didn't handle losing very well, but once he realized we were letting him win, he didn't want that either. Eventually he got over it. I know adults who still don't handle losing well, but I don't know any other adults who let them win. It's just something that's part of life. Some people will are competitive, some aren't. Those who are just have to develop a strategy for handling losses. 

[PeterPan]

I don't "let them win" on purpose, but I do play in a 'childlike' way -- meaning that I'm not always completely applying myself, sometimes not paying total attention, not actually being terribly strategic and competitive to the best of my ability. I also help them do well on their own turns, encouraging them to notice their own opportunities for good moves (even to my own detriment), etc.

 

I also only play games that they fully understand and are capable of -- not games (ie board games) that I genuinely understand better than they do, or physical games that give great advantage to adult strength or size.

 

(Junior Catan is an even playing field for kids and adults, because there's nothing extra to 'get' with an adult brain. I don't think regular Catan is -- adults understand it a lot better than kids do.) Many of the adult games I adapt for play with my kids by making them co-operative. There are two "players" on the board, but, we, the "team" are in charge of deciding the best move for each "player" on their turn. We've played Catan this way, as well as "Pandemic" and "Kingdom Builders' and many others. I also make modifications to various rules to simplify things and put success within their reach. Most of my 'real games' have a cue card inside with the 'official junior version' notes.

 

Mine have always handled loosing well, except in rare cases where they perceived something as actually unfair, or if they were really tired or hungry or something. Our biggest problem is that they take for-ev-er on their turns! It tries my patience sometimes. Or they are careless with pieces. Being careless with pieces of an adult game is an immediate game-over in my family.

That's the thing.  He has played junior catan so many years, he wants something more.  I've been trying to find things that are between, and it's a trick. I like your team play idea...

[PeterPan]

The favorite big kid mostly chance game here is Munchkin, which I find roughly about as annoying as Candyland, but I'll play now and then to make DD happy. I'm thrilled when she has other kids her age to play it without!

I've been looking at that, lol!  Can munchkin be played with 2 people?  I know there was some reason I didn't buy it yet.  Actually, I'm afraid it will blow my mind.  That and Flux, lol.  

[PeterPan]

When ds was very little we let him win. Usually we were playing Candyland or Chutes and Ladders. As I answered in the poll, we then started backing down on the number of times we let him win. Two wins, a loss, five wins. It wasn't really 80-20, it was completely random. Dh and I had this eye contact thing where we would decide by looking at each other whether we'd let him win a particular game. Our decision was often based on ds' mood at the time.

 

He was a bit weird as kids often are. He didn't handle losing very well, but once he realized we were letting him win, he didn't want that either. Eventually he got over it. I know adults who still don't handle losing well, but I don't know any other adults who let them win. It's just something that's part of life. Some people will are competitive, some aren't. Those who are just have to develop a strategy for handling losses. 

Hmm, that's an interesting point.  So if I back off a bit, he'll eventually figure it out and get annoyed and ASK me to step it up.  That might actually be better than asking, in a way.  

 

So if you're very competitive, what IS your strategy for handling losses?  We've talked about things we say (congratulations, etc), shaking hands, blah blah.  Is there some kind of self-talk adults do that is effective?

[vonfirmath]

I've been looking at that, lol!  Can munchkin be played with 2 people?  I know there was some reason I didn't buy it yet.  Actually, I'm afraid it will blow my mind.  That and Flux, lol.  

 

I was going to recommend Fluxx as another one that is interesting enough DH and I play it without kids, but still with enough luck involved my 7 year old can play it with us and win sometimes.

[SparklyUnicorn]

I don't really know how to answer.  Sometimes I'll "play down" in order to extend the game or soften their eventual loss.  Sometimes that backfires and they wind up winning.  But, no, I never completely throw a game.

 

Same here. 

[Lady Florida.]

Hmm, that's an interesting point.  So if I back off a bit, he'll eventually figure it out and get annoyed and ASK me to step it up.  That might actually be better than asking, in a way.  

 

So if you're very competitive, what IS your strategy for handling losses?  We've talked about things we say (congratulations, etc), shaking hands, blah blah.  Is there some kind of self-talk adults do that is effective?

 

I can't answer your first question because everyone is different. That was how ds reacted. He also got annoyed when he realized that at certain community "competitions" everyone wins. He didn't care at that point if he didn't get a ribbon or whatever. But he did only want one if he earned it. I don't know if there's something we did to encourage him to be like this, or it's just his personality. Nature or nurture? I have no idea. Maybe some of both. He IS competitive, but wants to win on his merits.

 

I don't really know what works best. I truly play games for the fun and don't care if I win or lose. Not that I don't play my best, but if I lose? Eh. It's not important in the big picture. My guys OTOH, are all competitive. Dh and dss have both played sports in their younger years. Ds plays computer games against friends. Dh loves to beat his brothers at pool (he grew up with a pool table in the house) and was ready to stop letting ds win before I was. Both ds and dh like being acknowledged for playing a good game if they lose. They don't like being told they played well, when they obviously didn't. Even when they're good sports though, if you know them you can tell they wish they didn't lose.

[gardenmom5]

dudeling melted down.  I never allowed him to win every time, but when he was smaller, I'd often throw the game to encourage him to go on.  there isn't a firm age, but more maturity level.  as he was better able to handle losing, I reduced the number of games I'd allow him to win. 

 

he also started playing better as he came to understand strategy and the rules of the game.  sometimes, he even won fair and square.

 

when he would have a fit because he lost, or was losing - we did lots of talking. then we'd play again -either that day or another day.  if he was still melting down, he could go have a time-out/sulk in his room until he was ready to come out.  or just go do something else.  and we'd play another game later when he was feeling better.

[Miss Mousie]

We have a sore loser. The best strategy for us in helping them deal with it is teaching them how to play more effectively. And reminding them that if they are a poor sport none of us will play games with them. We all have more fun, regardless of who wins, when we have a good attitude while playing.

 

Some of it is just maturity, but teaching the child that it is less luck and more skill takes much of the 'unfair' out of it. They realize they can learn and obtain more skill, whereas luck is just what it is.

 

Same here, more or less.

 

I don't care for games, so we haven't played many, and when we do, it's usually chess.  I never purposely let him win; instead, I told him over and over that when he does beat me, he will know he won honestly, and it will feel so good!  I also told him that I would celebrate wildly with him when it happened - and I did.  :)  I think he was 10 when he first beat me at chess.

 

Now he's at about the same level as I am, so we tend to trade wins, and I think we're both happy with that.

[AppleGreen]

Generally, I don't let mine win, but my husband does when they are smaller. I figure it balances out. ;)  I will sometimes forget one of the matches in matching, but really my littles one is almost as good at matching as I am.

 

My new six year old does still have difficulties when he loses, but he has gotten better. I use phrases like, "Today was your/my day to win" (we seem to hit a winning streak some days where one person wins over and over), "We had fun, didn't we?" "It wouldn't be fun if one person always got to be the winner." I am very competitive, but have really toned that down since having kids. I try hard to model losing well. I try to keep games up beat. It helps that we have many games that my little one can play and have a good chance at winning. He is pretty good a Rat-A-Tat-Cat and often beats me. 

 

I was playing a game with a friend's child this summer and happened to win at Chutes and Ladders. The child promptly burst into tears. I went through my usual litany, but I felt really bad. We were playing a game a few weeks later and the child was helping me, when we lost she looked at me and said, "That's ok, right?" It is disappointing to lose, and I think it helps to acknowledge those feelings and dialogue our feelings both when we lose and win. 

[foxbridgeacademy]

When they were under 4 I'd let them win at least 50% of the time.  When they'd lose I'd say "oh, wow, too bad.  Let's try again".  I do remember a few small "fits" and refusal to play again but for the most part this worked.  The biggest problem was explaining to a 6 yr. old why he should take it easy on his 4 yr old sister ("No Bub, you don't have to let her win, just don't try so hard to make her lose").

 

Mine are great losers, they're competitive and like to win but take losing with humor. I did the same thing with my younger sisters (I taught them all the card games they know) and they both became graceful losers too.  The middle one took a little longer but I might not have been as even handed when playing games with her, she was a brat though.

[rebbyribs]

I will often handicap strategy games in the child's favor until they get better.  For example, in Settlers of Catan, I wouldn't put the robber on one of the child's best spots.  In Dominion, I will choose a strategy that does not involve attack cards.  I think chess has a formal handicapping system.

[PeterPan]

I was going to recommend Fluxx as another one that is interesting enough DH and I play it without kids, but still with enough luck involved my 7 year old can play it with us and win sometimes.

Maybe I'll try this next.  I got the app, and it just swizzles my brain.  The cards change really fast and I just don't get what it's doing.  I need the physical cards and to move them around myself I think, lol.  If two people can play it, that's even better.  And it seems like Fluxx might be protracted enough, you could just agree to play for a time frame and then STOP and not even worry about winning/losing.

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

It really depends.

 

I have been known not to strike the winning blow in games of strategy in order to let the kids have an opportunity to figure it out. I don't find crushing them fun. DH on the other hand......I thoroughly enjoy annihilating him at several games. (Playing Uno with DH and MIL is awesome and cutthroat.)

 

Games that I choose with learning in mind, (like ABC Spot It, Mummy Math, 7 ate 9, Timeline, Etc.), I will purposely lose. Not always, but occasionally. Like when we were trying to work on Bug's letter recognition using the Spot It game; he gets very easily discouraged and so I quietly informed everyone that we were to throw all games. Eventually he was at a point that he could hold his own and we all now play that game to win. In the early days though getting him to want to play was critical. He loved wining and would pull out the game multiple times a day and challange me. The bonus was that he had become discouraged about learning his letters (there is a SN issue at play) and by winning he began to feel confident and started telling others, and himself, that he was awesome at the alphabet.

 

I think that always letting the youngest win is not a great plan. I also think that there is wisdom in losing a pawn to gain a queen.

 

This is very similar to my mindset. When they were very little I might throw a game entirely either to end it quickly (oh, those interminable games of CandyLand!) or to keep a little one from getting disappointed and never wanting to play again. Obviously we don't do it anymore with oldest DD, but as Lulu said, I may sometimes hold back on strategy or point out strategic moves they might make in order to give them more of an edge.

 

With youngest DD, however, I will occasionally allow her to win because she's a perfectionist and is still learning strategy (not one of her strengths). If I beat her over and over and she never has the opportunity to win a game, she loses interest in playing, and I feel like the benefits of her continuing to play are too valuable to risk her never playing games with me again. As I did with oldest DD, I consider it a part of scaffolding her into true competitive abilities. Typically, as she learns a game and its strategic ins and outs, I can withdraw my support and eventually no longer feel the need to throw games or play so gently.

 

I just saw that you're looking for something more than Catan Jr. Have you played Ticket to Ride or Fluxx? Youngest DD is able to play both of those well, which surprised me. 

[PeterPan]

Generally, I don't let mine win, but my husband does when they are smaller. I figure it balances out. ;)  I will sometimes forget one of the matches in matching, but really my littles one is almost as good at matching as I am.

 

My new six year old does still have difficulties when he loses, but he has gotten better. I use phrases like, "Today was your/my day to win" (we seem to hit a winning streak some days where one person wins over and over), "We had fun, didn't we?" "It wouldn't be fun if one person always got to be the winner." I am very competitive, but have really toned that down since having kids. I try hard to model losing well. I try to keep games up beat. It helps that we have many games that my little one can play and have a good chance at winning. He is pretty good a Rat-A-Tat-Cat and often beats me. 

 

I was playing a game with a friend's child this summer and happened to win at Chutes and Ladders. The child promptly burst into tears. I went through my usual litany, but I felt really bad. We were playing a game a few weeks later and the child was helping me, when we lost she looked at me and said, "That's ok, right?" It is disappointing to lose, and I think it helps to acknowledge those feelings and dialogue our feelings both when we lose and win. 

 

I like these phrases!  Thanks!!  :)

 

[PeterPan]

Thanks ladies, these have been great ideas!!  :)