Do you ever feel stuck?

[bethben]

I have been fairly stressed for quite some time.  I have a 15 year old with severe special needs, 2 other boys, and a very spirited daughter.  My husband has been underemployed for 2 years and has recently lost his job with 3 months severance pay left.  He's been looking for a job and actively applying for jobs for over 2 years.  The division of work around here has always been my dh works and I take care of everything else just because his commute has gotten worse and worse as housing developments have gone up between home and work.  He does help with bedtimes and weekends- especially for my oldest disabled child, but that has been about the extent of his help.  Unfortunately for the past 2 years, his weekends have been taken up with job searches.

 

My close - non-homeschooling friends tell me to that I need to put at least my spirited child into school.  The school I think she would do best in has a lottery to get on a waiting list.  If she got into the school, there are several fundraisers expected of the family and parental volunteer expectations weekly(it's a charter school).  I do not think she would do well in the local over-crowded classroom/high testing school down the road.  I would still homeschool my two middle boys - the 14 year old is mostly independent with online classes and the 10 year old is moving toward independence.  Right now, the 10 year old attends a co-op that does the science experiments and teaches writing.  The women running it knew I was in over my head so they don't expect anything of me other than dropping him off.  Basically, my friends are telling me to "sacrifice" my child in order to save myself.  

 

I feel stuck.  To me, having her attend school would be yet another direction I'm pulled and while it would be easier most days, there are still greater expectations on me that I don't have now.  I feel like I would only add to my list of things expected of me and not lessen this stress that rides me day after day.  There are no co-ops around here.  The class my 10 year old takes is mainly 4 friends who have gotten together over the years who had similarly aged kids.  The options are public school and the very hard to get into charter school.  I'm burnt out.  My friends can see it and are suggesting wine or antidepressants to get me through.  

 

There seems to be no good answers nor any good solutions.  

 

[Mrs Mungo]

Sometimes there is no best solution. We are all doing the best we can with the challenges we are handed. Sometimes life can be very hard. No matter how well meaning your friends are, you are the one who has to deal with all of the consequences of any action or keeping things the same. Make the decision that you think will be best for you and the family, regardless of what other people might think about it. And yes, plenty of people need anti-depressants to get through certain seasons of their lives, it isn't a moral failing. ((HUGS))

[AK_Mom4]

Hugs, Bethben!

 

It sounds like you have a lot on your plate.  Burnout is real, even though we like to pretend it doesn't exist.  And if you are "on" all day with the all the effort going to just one child and then doubling it at night when your older one gets home, it's not surprising that you feel burnt out!

 

Maybe look at things to help get thru this season.  Maybe that's enrolling the 7yo in the local school for a semester.  Maybe it's finding something for her to do that gives you an actual break a few times a week - enroll her in a class or hiring in a Mom's Helper maybe if you know someone with a home-schooled high school student?  Use it as "RE time" - time to REgroup and REfocus and REst.

 

 

[lovinmyboys]

Yes, I do feel stuck. I feel like my life right now requires me to do things I am not capable of doing. There are no good options. I'm sorry I don't have a solution for you. Just wanted to offer commiseration and hugs. That sounds hard.

[Tsuga]

For years, before the economy turned around here, I felt so stuck, and way fewer kids.

 

Times really are tough and you are not alone!

[hornblower]

sometimes there are not great solutions, just lots of sucky & slightly less sucky options.

I find it helps me to write things down & figure out pros & cons & try hard to think outside the box. 

 

So out of the box thinking might be - can you work & dh homeschool? Can you move? Can you take in a lodger for extra funds?

& thinking about day to day stresses - what can you minimize? what can you cut? Meals/cleaning/chores might need tweaking or adjusting  because sometimes the big things become overwhelming because we've become drained by a hundred small things.

what one thing would make your day better? What would make a whole week better?

Counselling &/or meds + exercise & time to meditate or engage in a hobby are not luxuries - they're critical parts of your well being (for you & your dh) so I hope you can make those things part of your plan.

 

best wishes.

[bettyandbob]

Are you taking care of yourself? 

 

My dh isn't unemployed, but I can say an already stressful life sure hurts when clients don't pay. I think more clearly, make better decisions and act like a better wife and mother when I exercise and eat clean. I don't want to build running into my day. I would rather more carbs than vegetables, but longterm I'm exhausted and have a harder time managing when I don't find the time to do these things. When my head is clear because I'm taking care of myself it is easier to handle "stuck" holding patterns and maybe even get "unstuck". 

 

Now, look at your dc. Is your oldest in school? Is his sp ed program going well? Have you applied for all the programs your state and the federal government offers. I haven't. This is something my family needs to do. I could really use an assistant who will walk ds home from school or take him to a bunch of special olympics programs on weekends. There are multiple programs to sort through. Your local Arc may be able to help you find more support at no cost through helping you to apply. 

 

Your dd. Be honest in evaluating what you think she needs. Nothing will be the perfect solution. But a good logical analysis will tell you "yes, get on the charter school waitlist" or "no, mild changes to our routine will make homeschool work well for now". 

 

Your middle two. It sounds like your routine now is working for them. As time goes on, allow yourself to evaluate if change is necessary. 

 

 

[happi duck]

(Hugs)

[hjffkj]

I feel stuck right now and have for a long time for one reason or another.  My situation is not nearly as difficult sounding as yours though.  I hope you find some relief soon.

 

The many reasons that cause me to feel stuck are things I have just had to cope with and realize they are not permanent.  Right now they feel permanent because dh and I can do nothing to change them but eventually that will not be the case.  I just have to live life reminding myself they aren't permanent.  And until we can get past it, I give myself full permission to be pissed off about it every now and then, or to just say f* it and not do any housework for the day so I can get the break I need.  

[bethben]

Are you taking care of yourself? 

 

 

Now, look at your dc. Is your oldest in school? Is his sp ed program going well? Have you applied for all the programs your state and the federal government offers. I haven't. This is something my family needs to do. I could really use an assistant who will walk ds home from school or take him to a bunch of special olympics programs on weekends. There are multiple programs to sort through. Your local Arc may be able to help you find more support at no cost through helping you to apply. 

 

 

My oldest has a special ed program at the high school.  I really consider it day care since he's not learning anything, but he likes it, he gets one on one attention and they seem to enjoy him.  It gives me until 3 pm.  The only thing with that one is that I have been waking at 5:45 for five years now to get him on the bus by 7:30.  Thankfully, my husband has taken some of that routine when he can.  We do get support through the state for him and that's been the only thing floating us as my husband's pretty lousy pay was cut by 20% before he lost the job altogether.

 

No - I haven't taken care of myself for years.  I have no interests, no "fun" friends, and most interaction that I need with other people is often initiate by me - although lately, people have been saying "let's get together for coffee" and I've kept them to their word.  There are not a lot of options around here (small town).  I'm not even sure what I would want to do if the opportunity came up.  I take care of myself and exercise and eat well.  I like to hike and be outside.  Unfortunately, we live in a place where winter lasts 5-6 months a year.  I shiver for 1/2 of the year and do not like going outside when it's so cold.  

 

We do want to move to give us access to options.  I'm not sure that will solve my problems either.  It will give us more educational choice and options for activities for the kids.  There's not a lot of real sports options here unless you do the public school sports (which my 14 year old has done in the fall).  We all need a change but finding a new job anywhere is proving elusive at this point.  I have given up trying to stay positive and faith filled about my future.  I am just trying to be thankful for today .  We can't downsize because downsizing means not accessible to wheelchairs usually.  

 

Right now, I know I can't change anything about the school situation for my youngest so I'm trying to see if I can get the grandparents to gift her gymnastics lessons along with trying to get scholarship money to pay for the rest of it.  Maybe getting her doing something active will help.  She's an outside girl too and it's hard when the weather is so cold.  I send her out most days, but there's a lot of days I call "bad cold" where exposed skin can freeze in 10 minutes.

 

I feel like  a big complainer right now.  I can cry at the drop of a hat and wake up crying if I don't get out of bed right away because despair hits me.  As a Christian, I'm not supposed to be like this.  I am and I own it.  So, I'm thankful for today and I still get up every morning and do what I have done for years.  That's all I can do.

[Chris in VA]

I felt so stuck at one point that I actually depleted brain chemicals and got depressed.

 

Take care of yourself as best you can.

[Stacia]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

[ScoutTN]

As a Christian, I'm not supposed to be like this. I am and I own it..

Hmmm. I think it is fine to be that way when circumstances are so hard. Read the Psalms. Our culture doesn't like to dwell on the laments, but we need them! Lamenting doesn't preclude faith and faithful living. It might even be required for them!

 

((Hugs))

 

I will pray for mercy, provision and peace that passes understanding for you, esp. a good job for your dh in a warmer, bigger place. And joy in small things in the meantime.

[wonderchica]

 I can cry at the drop of a hat and wake up crying if I don't get out of bed right away because despair hits me.  As a Christian, I'm not supposed to be like this.  I am and I own it.  So, I'm thankful for today and I still get up every morning and do what I have done for years.  That's all I can do.

(gently) This sounds like you are more than stuck. It sounds like you may have clinical depression. That's not a failing, and there MAY be more that you can do. As a Christian, you are supposed to take care of your body to honor Christ. That may include seeking a doctor or counselor's opinion on whether you have depression and what options you have to treat that.

[Chris in VA]

^^Can't like that enough, wonderchica.

 

(((Bethben)))

[lionfamily1999]

I changed our curriculum a lot last year.  I just could not do it anymore.

 

I was amazed and relieved at how much the kids were capable of doing without me.  I took up various little crafty type things (knitting, crochet, embroidery) and then in the spring, I started learning violin.  I don't go anywhere to take classes, just free lessons from the internet.  The kids have survived, they're still learning the basics on schedule and when I start to feel like I'm going to explode I saw away at the violin.

There are some real tough seasons in this life.  Sometimes, they teach us to loosen our grips a bit and what's beautiful and amazing is to see how God's plan unfolds when we do.

 

:grouphug:

 

[sbgrace]

That sounds really, really hard. I've felt stuck when dealing with less.

:grouphug: You sound depressed. Circumstances can actually impact the brain, and anti-depressants might help. I'd consider talking to your doctor if you are willing to trial medication.

 

Do grandparents live near?

[freesia]

One thing I've seen folks do with success is switch to less teacher intensive materials for a season (or forever). Could you ease up with your youngest for a while and give her assigned reading in science and history (or just get ABeka or another grade level text book)? That might buy you more time to take care of yourself. I agree that you are showing signs of depression. Please also consider seeing the doctor and taking something to help you cope and catch your breath.

 

Also, I do think you should consider putting dd in the local school for a year (or the rest of this year). It may not be the perfect place for her, but that is okay for a short time. Unless it is a truly dangerous school or has particularly nasty teachers, I don't see how she would be sacrificed while you get your head above water. It may be the healthiest thing for you and, because of that, for her.

 

((hugs))

[freesia]

I changed our curriculum a lot last year.  I just could not do it anymore.

 

I was amazed and relieved at how much the kids were capable of doing without me.  I took up various little crafty type things (knitting, crochet, embroidery) and then in the spring, I started learning violin.  I don't go anywhere to take classes, just free lessons from the internet.  The kids have survived, they're still learning the basics on schedule and when I start to feel like I'm going to explode I saw away at the violin.

 

There are some real tough seasons in this life.  Sometimes, they teach us to loosen our grips a bit and what's beautiful and amazing is to see how God's plan unfolds when we do.

 

:grouphug:

A good friend did the same thing last year and is now in a much better place.

[bethben]

I did change curriculums this year to one that required less planning for me.  My dd is very minimal.  She mostly gets the basics.  That's really all she can handle for the most part.  The rest is just gravy and I can drop it.  My ds 10 takes the most time, but part of that time is teaching him to be independent so taking that time now pays off later. 

 

I don't feel like homeschooling is the main problem. If I just had that, I could handle it.  It's the lack of a job for dh, feeling like I should be able to go get a job but knowing that I really couldn't because it would set me over the edge, my oldest, homeschooling, not being near family support, the weather, everything...I feel like I should be able to handle this - people do far more than me and seem to do fine.  Why can't I handle this?

 

We live far away from both sets of grandparents.  Both live in very high COL areas and one state has such poor/non-existant services for my oldest ds that it would seriously compromise our financial future.  We tried living closer to my extended family- just across the border, but there are no jobs there for dh as it is mainly a manufacturing town.  

 

We moved my electric piano into our walk-in closet to give me alone time with my piano. That has helped in the past.  Sigh...

[lionfamily1999]

You can't handle it, because it's too much.

 

You're stressing about a lot of stuff you can't control and the worst part of that is that YOU can't just magically stop stressing about that stuff.  If you tried to stop stressing about it all on your own, then you'd just be adding to list of stuff you need to stress out about (am I stressing about this?  Oh no!  I am <stressssss>).

 

I wish I had a great answer to all this, other than the one that as a Christian I am positive you already know.

 

I can sympathize.  I spent last week in a funk, trying to explain that when I say "I am just not motivated" it doesn't mean anything against anyone, it just means that...  I am just not motivated.  I *did* make it to church Sunday and it made me feel..........  better and worse.  Better, because I can see the light breaking through the clouds; worse, because in my case a lot of my problem was that I had cut out studying God's Word and praying.

 

More hugs, sweet lady.  I really wish I could tell you some wonderful thing that would fix it all, other than the oft used answer, spend some time with the Lord.  Stressing about stress isn't going to help, stressing about trying to not stress about stressful things that you can't control isn't going to help either.

[lionfamily1999]

Side-note, just seeing R&S and Saxon in your signature makes me a little stressed  :tongue_smilie:

[bethben]

Saxon is easier than Singapore for my 10 year old.  I don't have to teach much to my 14 year old.  My 7 year old is the issue, but I don't do quite a bit of the daily lessons.  She would have issues with anything I try with her.  It's the one that makes her feel the most successful.  R&S is easy for me.  I taught it once with ds, it's a rutted road for me.  IEW is taught by others and I know the program well - rutted road.  HOD is just do the box and I don't even have ds complete all of them - same with dd.

 

 

 

[Ausmumof3]

I think the job situation on its own would be a huge stress without all the extra. It is ok not to be looking at the future as some bright positive thing all the time. Some days you just have to do one day at a time. It is also ok to get help from a dr or other if you need it to get through. I imagine that your dh may be struggling a bit given the situation so getting outside help to get you through can be necessary.

 

Try to eat three meals, walk a little bit each day and go to bed early. Just physically taking care of yourself can make a huge difference to how you feel about life.

 

Saying a prayer for you that your dh will find work soon

[lionfamily1999]

I tried it once and ran back to FLL.  

 

I switched to ACE last year for all subjects.  There was a lot that my youngest (seven at the time) could do half asleep and still do well, but it did teach him how to schedule his work and be accountable to himself.  I have changed a few subjects back to the old favorites this year for him, but as life continues to be one long road of stuff I cannot plan for or around, the older two are sticking with ACE.

[Lilaclady]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

[Guest]

:grouphug:

[Lizzie in Ma]

Yes

 

:grouphug: :grouphug:

[kiwik]

Anti depressants are a medical intervention. Would you refuse a c-section or heart surgery because as a Christian you shouldn't need it? I would suggest in the meantime taking every opportunity to get sun. If the sun is there go in it, and watch diet and exercise but it really sounds like you may need some medical help. That is why doctors exist.