S/O Frumpy thread--teaching our children??

[Moxie]

I'm not being snarky, I promise.  I'm just trying to understand a different POV from my own.

 

I dress nice (and comfy!!) every day.  For me, it is about respecting that I have an important job to do and I hang around with important people (my children) all day.  Not "fancy" nice but "trendy" nice.  Casual nice.  Regular haircuts and light makeup.  My husband also appreciates that I make an effort to look as nice as I can.

 

My mother never cared about her clothes except on Sunday.  I had an aunt that looked nice every day.  To me, as a young child, my aunt gave the impression that she was happy with her life and wanted to show that to people.  So, I made a decision years ago that I wanted my children to know that I valued myself and my profession enough to put some effort into looking nice partly because I never got that impression from my mother.

 

For those of you that 'don't care about fashion', have you given any thought to the image that you are giving your children?  Again, I really don't mean for that to sound snarky.  I'm just curious if that is something you have considered and, if so, what your thoughts are.     

[Jenny in Florida]

Sure, and I've taught my kids that superficial stuff like whether a person is wearing "trendy" clothing shouldn't matter a whit when it comes to respecting them.

 

My kids knew I worked hard taking care of them and educating them and that any extra money I might have spent on haircuts, make-up and cute clothing went, instead, to things I considered more important (dance and music lessons for them, books for all of us, theatre tickets, experiences we could all share, etc.).

[Night Elf]

I do not dress badly, but I am frumpy. I am sure I exude a happiness and good morals type of personality to my children. I don't feel like I need to put an act on for them. I can't imagine losing respect for someone because of the way they dress and it sounds like you respected your aunt more than your mom for that. I don't mean that as snarky either. I'm just surprised that this would be something that would even occur to someone. I honestly don't think I"d be happy if I found out my kids thought badly of me because I don't wear fitted clothes or wear cute sandals or heels.

[Kathryn]

Sure, and I've taught my kids that superficial stuff like whether a person is wearing "trendy" clothing shouldn't matter a whit when it comes to respecting them.

 

My kids knew I worked hard taking care of them and educating them and that any extra money I might have spent on haircuts, make-up and cute clothing went, instead, to things I considered more important (dance and music lessons for them, books for all of us, theatre tickets, experiences we could all share, etc.).

This. My kids know when I'm happy even if I'm not wearing makeup or the latest styles. And they know that we don't judge people by the way they look. We are clean. Other people may not be able to do that much. It doesn't make them bad people.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Yes, I'm teaching my children not to be judgmental - that the person is much more important than dress. I also teach them good hygiene and how to launder/take care of clothing and how to dress for the occasion.  

[Arcadia]

For those of you that 'don't care about fashion', have you given any thought to the image that you are giving your children?

My children would rather I spend nothing on haircuts (I cut my own hair and their hair) and let them pocket the money. They also have no problem with hubby and me being in shirt and jeans everyday. Hubby's workplace allows jeans. They think people in jeans earn just as good wages as those in dress pants. Steve Jobs and Simon Crowell has an entire wardrobe of their favorite tops, not fashionable but very practical.

 

My mother and aunts had all dressed in typical classical style so not fashionable but poise and presentable. Kind of like Grace Kelly, Audrey Hepburn, Queen Elizabeth style. My aunts are in their late 80s.

They have always make sure all of us cousins carry our clothes well rather than be fashionable. We (my cousins and I) can always be trendsetters if we want to be.

[Moxie]

I do not dress badly, but I am frumpy. I am sure I exude a happiness and good morals type of personality to my children. I don't feel like I need to put an act on for them. I can't imagine losing respect for someone because of the way they dress and it sounds like you respected your aunt more than your mom for that. I don't mean that as snarky either. I'm just surprised that this would be something that would even occur to someone. I honestly don't think I"d be happy if I found out my kids thought badly of me because I don't wear fitted clothes or wear cute sandals or heels.

 

It wasn't the lack of heels or fitted shirts, it was the lack of effort that I perceived as a kid.  Zero makeup except on Sunday.  No perfume except on Sunday.  Drip dry hairstyle.  My mom is still like that.  They live on a farm so she says, "no point in trying to look nice, no one sees me" BUT we saw her!  My father sees her! 

[SKL]

Well, I was always taught that what's inside is more important than what's outside.

 

However, it seems to me that fashion sense is somewhat in-born.  I have one sister and one daughter who are naturals at looking good - clothes, make-up, etc.  I think it's wonderful for them, but I refuse to make my other daughter and my other sister feel badly about the fact that they don't appear to have that particular gene.

[Jenny in Florida]

It wasn't the lack of heels or fitted shirts, it was the lack of effort that I perceived as a kid.  Zero makeup except on Sunday.  No perfume except on Sunday.  Drip dry hairstyle.  My mom is still like that.  They live on a farm so she says, "no point in trying to look nice, no one sees me" BUT we saw her!  My father sees her! 

 

I don't wear make-up because it looks ridiculous on me. Whatever the opposite is of "gilding the lily," that's me in make-up.

 

I don't wear perfume because most of isn't cruelty free, and I don't care enough to spend the money on something that is, that I like, that doesn't make my husband sneeze.

 

My hair is drip dry because it's naturally curly/frizzy and stays healthier with as little processing and torturing as possible. 

 

I would be very disappointed if a child of mine was upset with or disappointed in me because of such superficial stuff.

[Wheres Toto]

The people who spend a lot of time with me, who generally will know if I'm happy, or cranky, or angry, or sad are the last people who are going to jump to a conclusion about my feelings or self worth based on what I'm wearing.

 

My very fashion conscious oldest child does not care what I wear when we go out, or give it any thought at all as long as I'm wearing a bra.  

[Carrie75]

It wasn't the lack of heels or fitted shirts, it was the lack of effort that I perceived as a kid.  Zero makeup except on Sunday.  No perfume except on Sunday.  Drip dry hairstyle.  My mom is still like that.  They live on a farm so she says, "no point in trying to look nice, no one sees me" BUT we saw her!  My father sees her! 

 

 

As I sit here in my yoga pants and an old t-shirt, I have to think that I am with your mom on this one. Who cares? Makeup is annoying and so is fussy hair, especially on a farm. Why would she try to look nice? Why isn't just looking like her natural self enough for her kids and husband?

[Night Elf]

It wasn't the lack of heels or fitted shirts, it was the lack of effort that I perceived as a kid.  Zero makeup except on Sunday.  No perfume except on Sunday.  Drip dry hairstyle.  My mom is still like that.  They live on a farm so she says, "no point in trying to look nice, no one sees me" BUT we saw her!  My father sees her! 

 

But see, I find that odd too. I don't wear makeup or perfume and I can't see how that stuff matters. Even if I were to start dressing nicer, I still wouldn't wear makeup and perfume. They feel false to me, like I'm putting on a pretend face. I feel like I'm dressing in mommy's clothes and makeup, if that makes sense. Does makeup really matter? Do you honestly think women who don't wear makeup don't care about their appearance?

[Catwoman]

OK, I'll be the shallow one. :D

 

I don't think it is necessary to look like a fashion model every day of your life, but I do think there is something to be said for setting a good example for your children on the importance of looking your best.

 

Again, I'm not talking about spending hours a day in front of the mirror, but it's just as easy to put on a well-fitting pair of jeans as it is to wear old ratty ones, and it takes the same amount of time to put on a cute top as it does to put on an old stretched-out t-shirt with stains on it.

 

Like it or not, even if we don't judge others for their looks, people will judge us on that basis. I don't want my ds to walk around looking like a slob, because I think it reflects poorly on him. It looks like he doesn't care enough about himself to look clean and tidy. My dh has always thought it was important to set a good example for him, and it seems to be working.

 

And I'm not saying you have to walk around in designer clothes. You can look perfectly nice in clothes from Walmart or Goodwill. I'm thinking more along the lines of "clean, tidy, and appropriate for the occasion" than "supermodel."

[Arcadia]

Zero makeup except on Sunday. No perfume except on Sunday. Drip dry hairstyle. My mom is still like that. ......

My father sees her!

Have you ask your father about his opinion?

 

My hubby prefers me sans makeup, sans perfume and has no preference for my hairstyle. He thinks that makeup and perfume contains too much chemicals especially lipsticks.

[Wheres Toto]

As I sit here in my yoga pants and an old t-shirt, I have to think that I am with your mom on this one. Who cares? Makeup is annoying and so is fussy hair, especially on a farm. Why would she try to look nice? Why isn't just looking like her natural self enough for her kids and husband?

 

This too.  

 

My husband doesn't want a wife who spends a ton of time fussing with hair and make-up.  He wants a wife that's going to go camping, fishing, hiking, swimming without worrying about getting messy, and not wear perfume that scares the fish or attracts the bugs.  He knew how I dressed, etc. before we got engaged.  He wants to dress comfortably when we are hanging at home in his old cut-off sweat shorts and ratty t-shirt, and wants me to do the same.

[KungFuPanda]

I think it's important to teach that substance always trumps style and not to be fooled by a book's cover, a staged house, or professional attire. These things can distract you from the real point. I know how to dress for various social occasions and I can pull off particular looks. I like to think that I've raised children who can effectively absorb the day's math objectives whether I'm wearing jeans or a skirt. In real life, this ability to focus on what matters results in you finding the best auto mechanic, and not just the best auto mechanic with a nice website.

 

Another reason I tend to go the jeans and t-shirt route some most days is self confidence. I feel I project that without dressing up. I LIKE the way I look without make-up, so I don't need it to feel good. I'm happy with my body, so I don't seek out particular clothing styles to give the illusion that it's better than reality. I don't NEED the physical presence of some sort of uniform to put me in the right frame of mind to work effectively. I know how to do that mentally without the physical cues. My husband likes the way I look with no make-up or dressing up, so I don't have another adult in the house reinforcing the importance of camouflaging my true appearance. My children are very secure from a lifetime of affirmation. My wardrobe would never register in that respect.

 

My daughter is naturally stylish. She enjoys clothes shopping with me and compliments me when I do dress up, but she doesn't see it as a reflection of her worth. She always looks put-together even when she's very casual. My son wouldn't notice if I wore pajamas all day and he's happy to wear a different version of the same outfit every day. I don't dislike wearing nice clothes and make-up. I do enjoy being able to transform myself. I get so many chances to get really dressy for different events, and get it out of my system, that I don't need to do it at home every day. Last week alone I went to the symphony, a wake, and performed in a bellydance show. That's quite enough dress clothes,make-up, heels, jewelry, and compliments to get me through the month.

 

If I wanted to dress nicer daily for myself, I'd do it. However, I wouldn't try to sell it as something I do for my kids. My husband is appreciative when I dress nicely for him, but if I did it every day he'd start to cringe and worry that I'm going all high-maintenance on him.

 

 

ETA: I forgot to mention my husband's wardrobe. He very often goes to work in jeans and a polo shirt. He's constantly called into meetings full of suits and uniforms and he's that odd guy with the beard and the answers nobody else has. When you have something to offer that nobody else does you can get away with wearing whatever you like. The professional respect comes from what you have to offer and not what you're wearing.

[regentrude]

We consider the primary function of clothing to warm and protect the body; appropriate clothing allows to perform an activity safely. So, functionality trumps absolutely everything. My most expensive item of clothing is my goretex rain suit for hiking; my most expensive shoes my hiking boots.

 

We teach our kids that clothing also portrays an image. Thus, one may have to dress for work, according to the standards of the industry. I need to portray competence and authority and have to dress in such a manner (my male colleagues get away with more casual clothes than I do). It is important that the kids understand that people will form impressions based on how they are dressed, and that they understand what kind of dress creates what kind of impression - whether they like it or not.

Appropriate clothing can portray respect; thus we dress up to go see a performance out of respect for fellow audience and artists, and we dress completely and cleanly in public.

 

Clothing can be fun, and there is nothing wrong with dressing up, wearing fun and nice clothes to class etc - always provided that they are *functional* for the activity. DD loves dressing nicely and has a great sense of style.

Ultimately, however, clothes are not important. Looks are not important. The important thing is what one DOES and how one ACTS. Time spent in front of a mirror or closet is ultimately time during which one could have been doing something.

ETA:

My kids will remember that I took them to the park, climbed with them, hiked with them, did not yell at them when they got dirty playing. I highly doubt they give second thoughts to my wearing jeans and T-shirts. They may, however, remember that I was happy spending time with them.

 

[maize]

As a non-clothing oriented person, it would never in a million years have occurred to me as a child to think that the fact that my mom wore jeans and a t-shirt every day was an indication that she was not happy with her life or did not value her role as a SAHM. Her happiness, vitality and engagement were very obvious to me.

 

Among my siblings some noticed and cared about clothes and some didn't. Those who cared as kids still care as adults. Those like me who were pretty much content with anything comfortable are still that way. My own kids are the same way--the 11 year old chooses her outfits carefully and is very aware of trends among her peers; my 9 year old changes into a clean t-shirt every now and then...

[NASDAQ]

I can't imagine judging my own mothers clothes and I would think less of my children for judging me over something so foolish and shallow.

 

Some people like perfume every day. Some don't. It's not a moral marker of any sort. I am trying to raise my kids with discernment, not to teach them to think that pretty clothes (which may be fun) are what indicates that a person is good or happy or caring.

[Night Elf]

OK, I'll be the shallow one. :D

 

I don't think it is necessary to look like a fashion model every day of your life, but I do think there is something to be said for setting a good example for your children on the importance of looking your best.

 

Again, I'm not talking about spending hours a day in front of the mirror, but it's just as easy to put on a well-fitting pair of jeans as it is to wear old ratty ones, and it takes the same amount of time to put on a cute top as it does to put on an old stretched-out t-shirt with stains on it.

 

Like it or not, even if we don't judge others for their looks, people will judge us on that basis. I don't want my ds to walk around looking like a slob, because I think it reflects poorly on him. It looks like he doesn't care enough about himself to look clean and tidy. My dh has always thought it was important to set a good example for him, and it seems to be working.

 

And I'm not saying you have to walk around in designer clothes. You can look perfectly nice in clothes from Walmart or Goodwill. I'm thinking more along the lines of "clean, tidy, and appropriate for the occasion" than "supermodel."

 

Hmm.. it could be that some of us are defining frumpy differently. I feel frumpy because I wear mom jeans and men's tshirts, but they don't look bad. They aren't stained or full of holes. I wouldn't allow my kids to dress like that either. But they definitely don't show off my womanly curves. Think baggy, which is what some people are saying frumpy is. I've purchased boys tshirts for my youngest dd for the same reason I wear men's tshirts. Neither of us like clothes that hug our bodies. She has never found a shirt that fits loosely on her, even when it's a size larger than what she should be wearing. She doesn't feel less feminine, I know because we talked about it when we were shopping in the young men's department. Boys jeans also don't hug and they have deeper pockets. I honestly don't see anything wrong with the way we dress.

 

[Lang Syne Boardie]

I went to the big box store today, four sons (ages 9 to 17) in tow. As we were leaving the greeter, whom I've chatted with a few times, pulled me aside to say she's been watching my family for years and she adores us. She said she admires me because I homeschool and my boys seem to be such fine young men. She said, and I quote, "You always look so pretty, smiling at your family and happy. You should become a speaker and teach moms how to love their families like that."

Drip dry long hair that I trim when I remember, overweight, no makeup, t-shirt and jeans. Evidently I am pretty and admirable *because* I love my family and live out that love in my community over the years.

There's a time to teach and a time to learn, OP, and you would do well to learn from older women on this one whatever your personal style. Like Jean in Newcastle I make sure my children know how to dress for different occasions but beyond that sartorial practicality I teach them to judge character over appearance.

 

Edited to add: I am not claiming I get stopped frequently to be told that I'm pretty. LOL That ship, if it ever existed, sailed 20 years ago...it was just a rather amazing coincidence that this conversation happened IRL right before I got home and read this thread!

[regentrude]

It wasn't the lack of heels or fitted shirts, it was the lack of effort that I perceived as a kid.  Zero makeup except on Sunday.  No perfume except on Sunday.  Drip dry hairstyle.  My mom is still like that.  They live on a farm so she says, "no point in trying to look nice, no one sees me" BUT we saw her!  My father sees her! 

 

I do not wear makeup. Not even on Sundays. I look just fine, thank you very much.

I do not use perfume. It's a major allergen and irritant for the people around the person wearing the perfume.

I have a drip dry hair style. Thus, I can go from breakfast table to dressed for work and out the door in 15 minutes - and can spend my time on having a nice breakfast with DH.

 

My DH is fine with it. It would not occur to him to expect makeup or perfume - he'd rather go rock climbing and hiking, and he likes it that I am ready on short notice without endless fussing with appearance. He cares that I am fit so we can do these things together.

 

I would not wish to be married to a man who does not want to see me with my natural face, without artificial enhancements.

And I would not wish to portray to my daughter that women who do not paint their faces and style their hair should be looked down upon as "not making an effort".

 

[Catwoman]

Fortunately, I'm not seeing it in this thread (OK, maybe a little,) but I find it interesting that while most of us say we don't judge anyone based on their appearance, there does seem to be a certain undercurrent of negativity toward the women who wear designer clothes every day and always do their hair and makeup.

 

I know women who go on and on about how they refuse to dress up because appearance doesn't matter and how they always teach their kids that they should never judge anyone on how they look... and then they talk about how thankful they are that they're not one of those "shallow, "high maintenance," and "superficial" women who always wear nice outfits and do their hair and makeup. They act like those women "waste all day" worrying about their appearance, when in reality, they haven't got a clue.

 

Last time I checked, "shallow," "high maintenance," and "superficial" were definitely judgmental comments.

[marbel]

My mother cut her own hair, did not wear makeup except for the occasional RED lipstick when she and my dad went out.  She wore thrift store clothing and kept her nails short because they broke anyway doing yard work.  She was not an unhappy person and it has never occurred to me that I should think less of her because she did not spend a lot of time on her appearance.  

 

I stopped wearing makeup because no matter what I did it looked bad.  Even my kids would say "ooh, what's that black around your eyes?"  No matter what I did I always had mascara on my face.  Lipstick comes off too quickly.  

 

My daughter has what I consider a typical and appropriate teen girl interest in makeup, hair, and fashion.  So, I just had her read the OP.  Her basic response was "Huh? She showed she was happy by dressing nice?  That doesn't make any sense!"

[maize]

I'm curious to know whether those who judge women who dress in, say, jeans and t-shirts around the house to be frumpy/lazy/unmotivated etc. share the same opinion of men who wear jeans and a t-shirt around the house?

[Ali in OR]

I'm going to argue that it might make a difference where you live. Oregon is a casual place. You can have grey hair, no make-up. You can wear keens, outdoor/hiking clothing. People are more likely to care about their health and activity level than how stylish they are. Now when we visit California where I grew up, I can sense that I might feel more judgement there if I didn't try to be stylish, if I cut my hair myself, or didn't wear makeup. I do not know anyone in OR who has had plastic surgery; implants among my high school peers (CA) appear to be pretty common. It's a different value system. I like the Oregon approach--healthy lifestyle over stylish looks.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

Fortunately, I'm not seeing it in this thread, but I find it interesting that while most of us say we don't judge anyone based on their appearance, there does seem to be a certain undercurrent of negativity toward the women who wear designer clothes every day and always do their hair and makeup.

 

I know women who go on and on about how they refuse to dress up because appearance doesn't matter and how they always teach their kids that they should never judge anyone on how they look... and then they talk about how thankful they are that they're not one of those "shallow, "high maintenance," and "superficial" women who always wear nice outfits and do their hair and makeup. They act like those women "waste all day" worrying about their appearance, when in reality, they haven't got a clue.

 

Last time I checked, "shallow," "high maintenance," and "superficial" were definitely judgmental comments.

I'm not seeing it in this thread, either.

[Night Elf]

I can't imagine judging my own mothers clothes and I would think less of my children for judging me over something so foolish and shallow.

 

Some people like perfume every day. Some don't. It's not a moral marker of any sort. I am trying to raise my kids with discernment, not to teach them to think that pretty clothes (which may be fun) are what indicates that a person is good or happy or caring.

 

This. I guess what surprises me about this thread is that someone somewhere thinks how a person dresses says something about what kind of person they are. I'm a good person. I really don't understand how looking more feminine than I do is a reflection of how I perceive my life. I'd be very disappointed in my DH if he cared if I dressed nicer or wore makeup.

 

So I just asked my DH what he thought about this thread. He said he feels that dressing nicely and/or wearing makeup is to enhance one's status. Since neither he nor I have anyone important to impress, he doesn't feel that the way we dress should matter. He also told me he'd find me sexy even if I wore a potato sack. I love my DH.

[Catwoman]

The impression I leave on my boys is that I'm clean, well-kept, and not consumed with the superficial world of fashion. That there are more important things in life than to be obsessed with your own vanity. And that when important events come up, you do dress up.

There is a big difference, though, between dressing well and doing your hair and makeup every day and "being obsessed with your own vanity."

 

Wanting to look nice and be in style is not the same thing as "being consumed with the superficial world of fashion."

 

Certainly, there are women who take worrying about their appearance to an extreme, but I don't think we can assume that most of them do -- and when we do that, aren't we guilty of judging people based on their appearance?

[Moxie]

Same here. I dress according to the realities of my life. If I were a sale's person I'd dress that part. Being home most of the time or out and about with my boys I really don't need heals, dresses, makeup, etc. Those things would just get in my damn way and be a waste of money.

Just to beat this dead horse a bit more, I'm not talking about dresses and heals unless that is your thing. I'm talking about taking 5 minutes to think "This is my body and my face. People will see it all day. What can I do to put my best foot forward". That is important to me and I do notice if it looks like someone has done just that. But I'm shallow like that.

[KungFuPanda]

It wasn't the lack of heels or fitted shirts, it was the lack of effort that I perceived as a kid.  Zero makeup except on Sunday.  No perfume except on Sunday.  Drip dry hairstyle.  My mom is still like that.  They live on a farm so she says, "no point in trying to look nice, no one sees me" BUT we saw her!  My father sees her!

 

I think I rock the drip-dry hairstyle! It's one of the perks of having curls. DH loves my hair no matter what I do to it! I think I like your mom's practicality and self-confidence :-)

[Jennifer132]

I think for me the crux of the issue is that when I make a point to get actually dressed (not sweats or yoga pants) I feel better about myself and therefore I'm happier and have more positive exchanges with my kids. When I lounge in pjs all day, I don't feel like doing anything and I think my kids notice that. It could be just a "me" thing, but I honestly do think how I dress changes the feel of our days at home. That said, I am not trendy whatsoever, neither would I consider myself frumpy. I wear a skirt every day because I like how it makes me feel and look, and I usually have a nice braid in my hair. But I don't wear make up or blow dry my hair.

[regentrude]

I'm curious to know whether those who judge women who dress in, say, jeans and t-shirts around the house to be frumpy/lazy/unmotivated etc. share the same opinion of men who wear jeans and a t-shirt around the house?

 

LOL. Or men who wear jeans and T-shirts in their job as internationally highly respected scientists...

yes, physics is a very casual community. My DH wears Teva sandals to class, and my department chair teaches in jeans and fleece jacket.

[VaKim]

To each his (or her) own. Different values, and all that stuff.

[Catwoman]

I honestly do not feel that way. I just think it's a personal choice. I'd like you designer jeans or not. KWIM?

 

I spend my extra money on violin lessons instead of makeup and designer clothes. I can't have both. The violin lessons bring me far more pleasure than makeup and designer clothes would any day.

 

If someone has money for both...I have no negative feelings towards them. Or if they choose the designer clothes...again no ill feeling.

I just don't want to teach my kids that it is the most important thing in life because I don't believe it is.

Yeah, but IMO, you have the right attitude. You're not saying anything negative about anyone. You're not judging them either way. You're fine with whatever makes them happy and you figure they should be fine with you doing whatever makes you happy.

 

I think that makes perfect sense. :)

[Dana]

OK, I'll be the shallow one. :D

 

I don't think it is necessary to look like a fashion model every day of your life, but I do think there is something to be said for setting a good example for your children on the importance of looking your best.

 

Again, I'm not talking about spending hours a day in front of the mirror, but it's just as easy to put on a well-fitting pair of jeans as it is to wear old ratty ones, and it takes the same amount of time to put on a cute top as it does to put on an old stretched-out t-shirt with stains on it.

 

 

But it isn't just as easy.

You've got to go shopping for those clothes.

I'd almost rather have teeth pulled.

 

I don't want my son to think that looking his best is important.

I want him to focus on DOING his best.

 

Yes. People judge on appearances.

That's why we have different clothes for work outside of the house.

But unless we're up in front of people, I'm going for comfort.

I do bow to societal pressure and wear a bra when I'm out of the house, but I think it's silly.

 

Dh never complains about how I look :D

[sunflowerlady]

What is wrong with drip dry hair? Mine is naturally wavy/curly and drying naturally is encouraged in curly girl type care information I have read. I don't have a diffuser and if I blow dry my hair it looks like a dry haystack.

[regentrude]

I do bow to societal pressure and wear a bra when I'm out of the house, but I think it's silly.

 

Yes, it's ridiculous. That piece of undergarment is completely unnecessary for many of us who don't need support.

[Catwoman]

But it isn't just as easy.

You've got to go shopping for those clothes.

I'd almost rather have teeth pulled.

 

I don't want my son to think that looking his best is important.

I want him to focus on DOING his best.

Yes, but if you wear clothes, at some point you had to shop for them, and if you buy classic stuff and take good care of it, you don't have to keep rushing out to buy more clothes all the time. ;)

 

I want my ds to do his best, too, but I don't think it's an either-or situation to encourage him to want to look nice, too.

[Night Elf]

Fortunately, I'm not seeing it in this thread (OK, maybe a little,) but I find it interesting that while most of us say we don't judge anyone based on their appearance, there does seem to be a certain undercurrent of negativity toward the women who wear designer clothes every day and always do their hair and makeup.

 

I honestly don't judge how a person dresses or if the woman is wearing makeup. That has never occured to me. However, of course I am judgmental of some things. I think that's natural. What I do judge is people who do dress nicely that look down upon people who don't dress as nicely. I'll confess I think that is bad manners. I'm sorry, but I do. The most social thing I've done as an adult is join homeschool groups. I didn't often click with the other women. I guess there was the possibility they didn't care for how I dressed? How sad is that!?

[Catwoman]

I honestly don't judge how a person dresses or if the woman is wearing makeup. That has never occured to me. However, of course I am judgmental of some things. I think that's natural. What I do judge is people who do dress nicely that look down upon people who don't dress as nicely. I'll confess I think that is bad manners. I'm sorry, but I do. The most social thing I've done as an adult is join homeschool groups. I didn't often click with the other women. I guess there was the possibility they didn't care for how I dressed? How sad is that!?

I agree with you.

 

I'm just saying that the judgement can go both ways, and it's not just the well-dressed women looking down on others. There are plenty of women who look down on the well-dressed women and call them vain, shallow, superficial, and high maintenance.

[Moxie]

Well I'm extra weird because I wear my bra to bed.  LOL

 

And I have small boobs!

 

No rhyme or reason beyond I think it feels comfortable.

 

Me too!  One bra off, another bra on! 

 

[Laurie4b]

I think it has to do with the meaning that an individual assigns to the exterior. What you wear certainly does communicate. You, OP, shared that your mom's answer indicated that her belief was that clothes were worn "for" other people and that you somehow felt that you and your dad weren't "worth it." However, people are going to mean different things by how they dress (as authors do by how they write) and people are going to interpret the meaning differently (as they do for authors' written words.)

 

So alternate interpretations of the situation you're describing in which a woman doesn't wear trendy clothes either out or at home could be:

 

My mom was comfortable in her own skin and didn't feel a need to impress others with what she wore. She passed that attitude on to me. I feel sorry for my friends who are so insecure about their looks.

My mom resisted the temptation to be manipulated by clothing manufacturers into giving them her money and so she didn't purchase clothing just because it was trendy. I hope I can resist consumerism like that and stand against a crowd in other areas, too.

My mom exuded so much love I never really noticed what she was wearing. She was and is beautiful to me!

My mom sacrificed greatly for her family and the money she could have spent on clothing, she spent on our books. Books over looks. I hope I can sacrifice my own desires like that for those I love.

My mom was a cancer survivor and did not wear make-up because of the chemicals that could be absorbed. But she often wore a smile despite her challenges. I hope that I have her faith and grit if I am ever challenged like that.

My mom loved perfume but she never wore it because someone in our family was sensitive to scents. That would be hard for me to give up, but she's my example.

 

 

 

So those might be some things people who aren't trendy are teaching their children. That doesn't mean that people who are trendy aren't also teaching their kids very good values as well. I just think we shouldn't judge books by covers, nor what children are "reading" in those books by the covers.

[regentrude]

Ok, but that's another thing.  Who do women wear makeup for if not themselves?  Must be other women.  How many men do you hang out with during the day that you are trying to impress with your makeup? 

 

oh, I do hang out with lots of men. Almost all of my colleagues are male. But they would also not notice if I were wearing makeup or had a new haircut.

 

[Night Elf]

Me too!  One bra off, another bra on! 

 

 

I suppose I should feel that way too since I do need the support, but honestly, <insert whine here>, I just don't wanna!

[Dory]

I have taught my kids that clothes need to fit properly and be clean. That shows that you are respecting yourself and presenting yourself as somewhat put together. Whether those clothes are 'trendy' or not matters very little. I have found that properly fitting clothes that are clean and not wore out will make anyone appear presentable. I have taught them that it is wise to have slightly higher end clothes in the wardrobe for more important occasions. That even though a persons worth is not measured by what they wear, that first impressions do matter if you are trying to catch someones attention and/or be taken seriously. When we are home, our clothes are clean and fit. Hair is done and bodies are bathed regularly. When we go out and about we dress is a little bit nicer clothing and then they all have one or two outfits for more formal places such as recitals and church and so on.

 

I have noticed that when a person takes care of themselves and dresses well, they carry themselves differently. When my little brother moved in with us, I took the time to help him learn better hygiene practices and bought him a nice outfit and a formal outfit. It completely changed the boy.

 

I dress for whatever part I am playing or for however I want people to see me. Different styles make people respond differently. Sometimes I want people to see me one way or act a certain way around me, and sometimes I want it a different way.

 

I have also told my kids to always ask themselves who they are trying to impress when they get dressed in the morning and then ask themselves why they feel the need to impress that person or persons. I see too many homeschoolers around here with kids that look like homeless children with dirty clothes that don't even come close to fitting. It's become a stereotype around here and I really don't want my kids to be one of those kids.

[KungFuPanda]

Fortunately, I'm not seeing it in this thread (OK, maybe a little,) but I find it interesting that while most of us say we don't judge anyone based on their appearance, there does seem to be a certain undercurrent of negativity toward the women who wear designer clothes every day and always do their hair and makeup.

I know women who go on and on about how they refuse to dress up because appearance doesn't matter and how they always teach their kids that they should never judge anyone on how they look... and then they talk about how thankful they are that they're not one of those "shallow, "high maintenance," and "superficial" women who always wear nice outfits and do their hair and makeup. They act like those women "waste all day" worrying about their appearance, when in reality, they haven't got a clue.

Last time I checked, "shallow," "high maintenance," and "superficial" were definitely judgmental comments.

I'd define high maintenance as significantly increasing the amount of time I devote to my appearance. To dress up in something other than jeans and a t-shirt each day WOULD require more time. There's shopping, putting together outfits, ironing, keeping nails nice and hair styled at all times, and coordinating shoes, applying make-up. I did it when I worked and it does require more time, money, thought, and effort to look professional every day. That's what higher maintenance means whether you see it as a good or bad thing.

 

FWIW, I think people have very good reasons to dress nicely, I just don't consider earning your children's respect to be one of those reasons. I have a friend who loves to look nice all the time. She's always dressed in heels and nice clothes. She truly enjoys it. It's her hobby and she WANTS to put in the extra time. DH works with a man who wears nice suits to work very day. Professionally he doesn't have to maintain this image to be respected. He's a valued expert in his field. Socially, though, he's a large African American man who lives in a city. He's very careful that those who DO judge people on their appearance know to put him into the "educated professional" category.

 

The OP felt a certain way about her mother's appearance. She clearly thinks her mother was the one with the problem. I would disagree with this and argue that the OP is the one with the faulty judgement in this one particular instance. Perhaps it was her childhood feelings that needed to evolve and not her mother's wardrobe?

[MrsMommy]

You know what...I do think it's important to dress nicely, and I do think it sends a message to our children.

 

I've been scratching my head at the other threads. There are so many excuses for why people dress, in their own words, "frumpy." I don't buy any of them. I've been poor, I've pretty much always been overweight, I have had (and still do) little kids and I get messy...I still take care with how I dress. It doesn't have to be expensive or fancy to look like you care, and I think that's what it boils down to...caring about yourself.

 

It almost seems to be a badge of honor to some people to dress in an unflattering way. Like they're above that, or they're sacrificing so much that they can't do it or whatever. Well, I want my children to see that I care enough about myself to put effort into my appearance, I want the world to see I have enough self respect to look decent, and I want my girls to know that it's fun to dress fashionably and look pretty.

 

I feel kind of sad reading some of these posts where ladies are saying that they're too overweight or unattractive or whatever for it to matter. Like I said, I'm overweight, and I'm not what the world would view as beautiful, but I care about myself. I feel better about myself when I dress nicely, I know my husband likes it when I put a little effort forth, even though he'd think I was attractive no matter what, and I know I'm not embarrassing my children with how I look. And I don't think any of that makes me shallow. Appearances matter. Whether that's right or wrong is another issue, but in our society, appearances do matter.

 

So, yes, it matters to me. And there's a big difference between between trying and missing the mark, or even being clueless about how you look, and knowing that you're dressing in an unflattering way and not caring. Because if you know that you're dressing in a way that is intentionally unflattering, you're doing a major disservice to yourself...you deserve better!

[Ivey]

I don't wear, or even own frumpy clothes. I put on a little makeup and straighten my hair in the morning if I'll be leaving the house. Part of this is personal preference - I just like the way I look in dark, slim jeans and a light sweater, or in shorts and a cute top, better than I do in baggy jeans and a men's t-shirt. 

 

My other reason is that I do care what people think of me. Many people do judge on appearance, at least at first when it's all they have to go on. As a homeschooling mom of six boys, two with special needs, I don't want to be thought of as frazzled, depressed or overwhelmed. I want to look like I'm in control of my life and have time to take care of myself. 

 

This doesn't extend to my kids - what they think of the way I dress is the least of my worries. Ds11 likes to come shopping with me and give me fashion tips, but the others couldn't care less what I wear. They see me in my Despicable Me pajamas, with my hair in a towel, anti-wrinkle cream on my face and my face in a bag of chips. They've all walked in on me in the bathroom at least once. They seem to respect, love and even like me anyway. The same goes for my Dh, sisters, parents and close friends. 

[momto10blessings]

Sure, and I've taught my kids that superficial stuff like whether a person is wearing "trendy" clothing shouldn't matter a whit when it comes to respecting them.

 

My kids knew I worked hard taking care of them and educating them and that any extra money I might have spent on haircuts, make-up and cute clothing went, instead, to things I considered more important (dance and music lessons for them, books for all of us, theatre tickets, experiences we could all share, etc.).

Exactly