bettyandbob Posted May 11, 2014 Share Posted May 11, 2014 It's Mother's Day. I live less than a mile from my parents. I'm not close with my mom, but I do love her and until a few months ago talked to her or saw her regularly (every week or so). I haven't had contact since the beginning of January because of the actions of my father. I do not wish to have interaction with my father. I have many bad feelings about decisions made while I was growing up, but my father had a great relationship with ds until Jan 2013 when my dad did something completely awful destroying the relationship totally. All that came up again a year later and I decided I can't interact with my father--my loyalty has to be with ds. On mom's birthday I called. I called again over the next few days. I found out later that mom and dad had traveled over her birthday. Anyway, the only birthday interaction I had was messages left on her machine. I didn't get around to calling her to invite her to a performance dd was in before her birthday. So, today is Mother's Day. I haven't even bought a card. I don't want to see her because I don't want to interact with dad at all. dd has a show at her high school this week and her ballet school has performances in three weeks. I know mom would like to go to those. And so I'm stressed, because I feel I must do SOMETHING, but doing something makes me very anxious. And I'm sad. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pawz4me Posted May 11, 2014 Share Posted May 11, 2014 :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FriedClams Posted May 11, 2014 Share Posted May 11, 2014 Hugs. I'm with you. My mom is sick and in a nursing home. She doesn't know who I am anymore. She likely never will. I don't want to dampen anyone else's blessing this day - but I want to let you know you're not alone. Sometimes these Hallmark holidays are really hard. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PuddleJumper1 Posted May 11, 2014 Share Posted May 11, 2014 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Elf Posted May 11, 2014 Share Posted May 11, 2014 What about having your DH drop off some flowers and a card? I'm assuming your mom knows how you feel about your dad so maybe that woudn't be weird? Since you tried calling for her birthday, why don't you call her today? Tell her about the performances. If your dad answers and won't give the phone to your mom, hang up? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lmrich Posted May 11, 2014 Share Posted May 11, 2014 You will not regret sending a card and maybe some flowers to your mom. It might ease your pain as well. Sorry you are going through this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scook86 Posted May 11, 2014 Share Posted May 11, 2014 Is there any way that you and your mom could meet somewhere for lunch or just to talk? You should be allowed to have time with just her. Especially on Mother's Day. And I agree that you should tell her about the performances. Don't let your father's behavior ruin it for you and your mom. Hugs! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J-rap Posted May 11, 2014 Share Posted May 11, 2014 Even if a card gets there late, it will still be appreciated. Can you meet her somewhere for lunch or coffee? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted May 11, 2014 Share Posted May 11, 2014 I agree - one or all things you can do is: send a card, drop a heartfelt note, send flowers, call, meet her somewhere (and it doesn't have to be today if that doesn't work for one or both of you) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alicia64 Posted May 11, 2014 Share Posted May 11, 2014 ((((((((Betty))))))))) I went no-contact with my parents exactly how you describe. My dad was also very close w/ my sons and acted completely over the top one day w/ one of my sons -- which terrified my boy. Of course my loyalties are with my son. My dad had done some minor things over the years, but I let it slide -- and finally it got so bad that I just couldn't let it slide. My son has said, "I might go to grandpa's funeral, but I'll wear a clown suit." That's how mad my son is. My mother -- when all is said and done -- supports my dad. She's a classic enabler. She didn't protect me from him and I've realized that I can't let her off the hook anymore either. The more I looked at the situation she was very abusive, but she looked so much better than him that I couldn't see it. We moved 3,000 miles away. Just my .02, but I think being so near to your parents in proximity isn't good for any of you. The sadness -- in my case -- finally waned and I am now irritated when I think about how I was treated. But I will admit that I get sad around Thanksgiving and Christmas. I'm sad for you. I mean this seriously: do something incredibly nice for yourself today. Maybe a pedicure, coffee at Barnes & Noble and a good book etc. It's not okay that your mom isn't contacting you at all. Is it? (Generally speaking, a dad like yours wants you to feel sad and guilty. And, remember, your mom is supporting him emotionally. When those feelings hit me like a brick, I go buy a new dress or something.) Please take care of yourself. And Google Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Take care and :grouphug: , Alley (p.s. if this feels really hard, it's because it is. But your son needs you on his side. Period.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heatherwith4 Posted May 11, 2014 Share Posted May 11, 2014 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Susan in TN Posted May 11, 2014 Share Posted May 11, 2014 ((Betty)) Relationships can be messy. I'm sorry you are going through this, but you are right to make your son's well-being the priority. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrincessMommy Posted May 11, 2014 Share Posted May 11, 2014 Hugs. I'm with you. My mom is sick and in a nursing home. She doesn't know who I am anymore. She likely never will. I don't want to dampen anyone else's blessing this day - but I want to let you know you're not alone. Sometimes these Hallmark holidays are really hard. I agree! Hugs betty. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
G5052 Posted May 11, 2014 Share Posted May 11, 2014 I always struggled with Mother's Day when mine was alive. She battled addiction and mental illness the entire time I knew her. She had an ugly, violent streak. And I still always sent her a Mother's Day card, because if nothing else she brought me into the world. Thankfully there are some cards that don't sugar-coat the relationship. So I picked those. Every year when I sit in church on Mother's Day, it is painful for me. The flowery words of all that mothers are and do barely apply to the years I spent with mine. I honestly have very few happy memories. If my father hadn't done his best to hold the family together, I don't know what would have happened to me physically and emotionally. Bluntly, I really don't miss her. Sometimes though the negative examples affect us more deeply than the positive ones, and I guess that's the case for me. I had a lot of motivation to NOT be a mother like her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GailV Posted May 11, 2014 Share Posted May 11, 2014 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fraidycat Posted May 11, 2014 Share Posted May 11, 2014 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted May 11, 2014 Author Share Posted May 11, 2014 I called. I invited her to see dd's dance performance next week. It was OK. I wish I had wanted to walk over their and just spend the afternoon at her house. There have been a few holidays over the years where I or I and some of my dc did this. Thanks everyone for the kind words of support. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OneStepAtATime Posted May 11, 2014 Share Posted May 11, 2014 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elisabet1 Posted May 11, 2014 Share Posted May 11, 2014 I am very sorry you are going through this. Your mother chose to not tell you that she was traveling. She did not seem to care if you called that way. And whatever your father did to your son, your mother clearly chose him over her grandson. Your mother does not seem to be reaching out to you. It is very very hard to walk away from toxic relationships. We have had to do it ourselves. But it sounds like you really need to. This day will be over soon. (((hugs))) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elisabet1 Posted May 11, 2014 Share Posted May 11, 2014 Today is the anniversary of my son's death. He was stillborn. But he died during labor on this day and was born on this day. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
celticmom Posted May 12, 2014 Share Posted May 12, 2014 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melissa in Australia Posted May 13, 2014 Share Posted May 13, 2014 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lizzie in Ma Posted May 13, 2014 Share Posted May 13, 2014 :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jasperstone Posted May 13, 2014 Share Posted May 13, 2014 Today is the anniversary of my son's death. He was stillborn. But he died during labor on this day and was born on this day. Ohhh, I'm sorry, that must be hard for you! :sad: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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