How to Respond to "Is He Yours" and other like questions

[bolt.]

I'm not offended as I am irritated. Since this is how the standard introduction goes

Me: "This is my son, [sons' name] born in Sept. yadda, yadda, yadda." and then I'm asked

Them: "Oh so did the adoption go through?"

Me: No, Jr. isn't adopted--you remember Hubby, don't you?

Them: "Oh, so is he yours then?"

or something like that. I get it, Jr's different and he doesn't look like me. All of these people know my husband and they know he's of a different race. I understand that they expected me to adopt--I tried several times, but once I point out that MY HUSBAND--Hubby is the father, shouldn't it follow that I'm the mom?

No, it could definitely also follow that you are the loving step-mom, and that your DH had a previous relationship/marriage. Lots of people get divorced, remarry, and blend families. It's not an insult to wonder if that might be the case.

[SKL]

There are many times when I would like to ask if a child has been adopted internationally (to make a connection, share an experience) but I don't dare, because I have heard this makes some adoptive parents angry.

 

I will say that once a child is old enough to understand - which is frankly not much older than 1yo - people should be careful not to let the child hear himself being discussed as if he were an oddity or something exotic.

[Berta]

I have four kids, two by birth and two by adoption. Our family portraits look like you took six complete strangers and put them together. My sons have a Hispanic background and one is dark haired and the other is light haired. My older daughter is light skinned and my youngest is Chinese.

 

It's not obvious with my older daughter that she is adopted, but with my youngest it is. When I was out with all four of them I got asked once if they were ALL adopted. My answer was "some of them, but I don't remember which ones".

 

My other favorite question asked was "is her father Chinese?" of my full Chinese daughter. I didn't think of a response until I got home, and I'm waiting for the next time someone asks me this to respond "I don't know, it was dark and I didn't get a good look at him".

 

I've gotten to the point where I can tell if someone is seriously inquiring about adoption or because they are just nosy. Serious inquiries get serious answers, rude inquiries get snarky responses.

[mathmarm]

No, it could definitely also follow that you are the loving step-mom, and that your DH had a previous relationship/marriage. Lots of people get divorced, remarry, and blend families. It's not an insult to wonder if that might be the case.

 

Hubby did have a previous marriage when he was much, much younger, almost no one knows about that relationship because Hubby doesn't like to talk about it. Everyone know that Hubby and I have been married (and very happily so) for several years. Everyone knows that. The only way that Hubby could have an infant child that isn't mine is if there was some sort of "scandal" going on.

[SKL]

My other favorite question asked was "is her father Chinese?" of my full Chinese daughter. I didn't think of a response until I got home, and I'm waiting for the next time someone asks me this to respond "I don't know, it was dark and I didn't get a good look at him".

 

A young clerk at Drug Mart once said of my internationally adopted girls, "they must look like their father."  I said, "I wouldn't know."  LOL.  It took a moment to click and then she was all flustered.  "Oh adoption is so cool, I want to adopt too some day."  :P

[Berta]

There are many times when I would like to ask if a child has been adopted internationally (to make a connection, share an experience) but I don't dare, because I have heard this makes some adoptive parents angry.

 

I will say that once a child is old enough to understand - which is frankly not much older than 1yo - people should be careful not to let the child hear himself being discussed as if he were an oddity or something exotic.

 

I don't mind questions regarding adoption, especially if I can tell the person has a child that is obviously adopted. I love to discuss with other adoptive parents or prospective adoptive parents. It's the people that are just plain nosy that annoy me. I really would like to ask them rude questions on how their children were conceived... were you on top? did you stand on your head? etc.

[Leav97]

No, we found him wandering the streets with no shoes and just claimed him as ours.

 

We'll there was this pack of wolves that had adopted him but, we stole him and now he's MINE.

 

 

 

Or, yes, we had a hard road sustaining a pregnancy but, we've been incredibly blessed to be his parents. 

[bolt.]

Hubby did have a previous marriage when he was much, much younger, almost no one knows about that relationship because Hubby doesn't like to talk about it. Everyone know that Hubby and I have been married (and very happily so) for several years. Everyone knows that. The only way that Hubby could have an infant child that isn't mine is if there was some sort of "scandal" going on.

Aparently you move in fairly "low-scandal" circles.

 

In my sphere, a married person having an affair, conceiving a child, yet working it out with their spouse and carrying on in a blended family would not be inconceivable (nor would it be cause for public disgrace). By the time the child is 4+ months old, any "scandal" would be at least a year ago.

 

I suppose it's easier to he offended by the implication that you might be an 'irregular' family if you don't circulate among very many 'irregular' families.

 

I also don't expect my aquaintences to actually remember off the top of their heads how long I have been married, the ethnicity if my husband, or really any if my personal details. Friends, yes, my extended circle... Not at all.

 

(Most of my extended circle think I am a single parent. I think they are just scared to ask if I am widowed it divorced. I'm glad they don't ask. It's painful to discuss the reality if my 'irregular' family.)

[Angie in VA]

Well, I didn't take it that way at all. So, not that you needed to apologize, but you are forgiven!

 

Whew. And thank you. :)

[Tranquility7]

Yeah, I guess I am just a little touchy. I wasn't too offended but very annoyed by the end of the holiday season. I guess I will have to grow thicker skin.

 

What was offensive was when people commented on Jrs. 'twitchy' fingers and I explained that we use a lot of ASL at home with Jr. and someone, one of my cousins said, "We don't believe in FAD parenting." and launched into a 10 minute tirade against "parenting fads" and how much she disapproves of them, since they are silly, and those parents are insecure, pompous, arrogant and lacking in a million other ways etc...

 

Then I pointed out that ASL, in our household, isn't about a "fad" but the fact that Hubby is a CODA and that in Hubbys family almost every other person is deaf and its no different than teaching a child to speak a heritage language. :glare: I've never gotten along so great with that cousin but now that I have a kid she takes great pains to always, always criticize or put-down any and everything that I do. Our kids are only a few months apart and its going to be a very interesting next 2 decades.

 

*shrug* To each his own.  Even if your DH was not a CODA, why does it matter what your cousin thinks?  Isn't it exhausting to get worked up over this?

 

Btw, I totally don't mean to sound snarky at all :)   I just find being easily offended/irritated/whatever to be such an unproductive energy drain, and yet sooo common in our society.  I just don't understand it.  I just assume the best and shrug it off.  No biggie :D

[redsquirrel]

So, is this total strangers who aren't having any interaction with you or is it people who are asking because they are acquaintances who know something of your life?

 

Because I would never, ever, ever walk up to anyone and ask if they are the parent or non parent of any kid they were with. If I were a cashier or something I cannot imagine why I would feel the need to comment on anyone's appearance or relation to another or anything like that.  But if I knew someone was trying to have kids etc and they showed up with a baby then I might ask how the baby joined their family. I might say something like 'You have a baby! How exciting! Oh tell me all about him, what a beauty" But, I wouldn't be asking because I want to know the status. I would be asking because they are a friend and I want to hear their story and share their joy. 

 

I have a friend with two kids, one adopted. They are very, very close in age. The adopted child (the boy) is not of the same race as the rest of the family. He is also talented at sports. She has many stories of sitting on the bleachers while he played a game, listening to other parents say very jealous and unkind things about her child. They don't know that she is his mother. I learned a lot from her about keeping my mouth shut. 

 

[HS Mom in NC]

"That's just the kind of gorgeous you get when you put a little mocha in the latte!"

[mathmarm]

*shrug* To each his own.  Even if your DH was not a CODA, why does it matter what your cousin thinks?  Isn't it exhausting to get worked up over this?

 

Btw, I totally don't mean to sound snarky at all :)   I just find being easily offended/irritated/whatever to be such an unproductive energy drain, and yet sooo common in our society.  I just don't understand it.  I just assume the best and shrug it off.  No biggie :D

I wasn't worked up about it. I was offended. Her tirade hurt my feelings and made me feel embarrassed and ridiculed. I just explained the situation, but my feelings were still hurt by her words and opinion, I didn't make a big deal about it to anyone, but my feelings were hurt. I can't help the visceral reactions I experience.

[mathmarm]

"That's just the kind of gorgeous you get when you put a little mocha in the latte!"

 

I wish there was a "love" button! This is great--light hearted, non-accusatory, fiesty without being defensive! What a great reply to use with those who aren't aware what an annoying question they've just asked. I think this will be a fun reply to use and make the conversation a little less annoying/draining!

 

Thanks, this is great!

[zimom]

My YOUNGEST is not the same race as we are.

 

My husband likes to answer with, "My first wife was Chinese."

 

I can't believe the number of people who don't get the joke, even with my older two standing right there.

 

We find it very entertaining.

Dawn,

My oldest son is bio and as they say, pasty white. My older daughter is Chinese. Before I began homeschooling our girls they attended the same private school where my husband was rarely seen. My son had many of his classmates convinced that his father was Chinese and that he (my son) was half Chinese. I guess he was saying his sister was half Chinese too!

[swellmomma]

We are not a biracial or adoption family, but |I still get this question at times because my kids all look so different and with 4 well people ask.  My go to answer is "No but he/she was so cute when I saw him/her at the park I just had to have him/her and took him/her home with me".  or equally cheeky "no, but for some reason he/she keeps following me around calling me mom"  I figure if they are going to ask stupid/rude questions they don't get a proper response, they get my "here's your sign" voice with my comments

[Jean in Newcastle]

I got very irritated with one woman who would just not let it go - she was following me around the grocery store and would not accept my answers.  So I finally stopped and said, "My husband is Filipino.  Have you heard of genetics?"  This has only happened once.  Most people who ask me "are they yours" are happy with "Yes."  

[Alicia64]

Why is it dumb? Maybe they think she looks too young to be the mom and maybe she is babysitting or maybe he is her nephew.

 

Shrug. I am not that easily offended.

 

Honestly, this was my first thought too. I think it's part of the problem that everyone gets so offended over everything these days. Even if someone has said something that doesn't sit too well with me. .  I tend to give them the benefit of the doubt. If it's a mean type of person, I keep that in mind too.

 

I think getting irritated and offended is becoming a problem in our culture.

 

Someone asked a friend who adopted three kids, "Do you love them as much?" My friend hadn't said, but I knew immediately who had asked her! It was a very nice mom from another culture . . . a culture that doesn't do a lot of adoption.

 

The mom meant no harm, but my friend and I were laughing about it. . . "ah, about 2/3 as much!" (Of course we were kidding!)

 

Alley

[gardenmom5]

My brother used to claim that it was because he loved catsup so much, LOL!

there was a little girl who asked dh how he got red hair.  she wanted red hair.  he told her he ate alot of carrots.  guess who asked for carrots at every meal?

[gardenmom5]

No, it could definitely also follow that you are the loving step-mom, and that your DH had a previous relationship/marriage. Lots of people get divorced, remarry, and blend families. It's not an insult to wonder if that might be the case.

 

it is a negative comment on our culture that divorce is so common that a child from a longer term relationship is considered the odd child. 

my long-time ped's (all the kids files are in one ginormous folder) nurse really irked me one day when she flat out asked me that - in a *very* asounded tone because she thought my older kids were all step-kids and NOT *mine*.  and that was with my 4th when there was no 'gap'.

 

I and a friend both had late in life babies after a large gap.  we both got lots of comments from people who didn't know us well, that it was expected we'd divorced and remarried.

 

eta: and the boss who thought being married 17 years was a really long time. . . . . huh?  

[DawnM]

I have to tell you that one time we were at Disney World and there was a lovely family with three little Chinese girls in line.  DH said, "Where are your girls from?"  He wanted to talk about China with them and find out if their girls were from anywhere close to where our son was from.  

 

The mother got very upset almost immediately.  She replied in a very curt tone, "They are from Pittsburgh!"  I quickly pulled my son out from behind me so she could see him and said, "We aren't trying to be rude, we just were curious if your girls are from a region close to where our son is from."  

Her tone changed dramatically and she talked about her girls for a good 10 minute and where they were each from (2 were twins) and when they adopted them, and the whole story.

 

So, I guess what I got from that is that just because someone asks, you shouldn't assume they are being rude.  I find that many people who ask have a reason.  Several times we have found out that they are in the process of adopting a child, have a relative who has just adopted and they are excited about it, or they are considering adoption.

 

Dawn

[Mommyof4ks]

I just say yes. Dh and I are foster parents, and currently our little guy looks just like us, but when we have had kids of different race, I simply say yes to those comments. Yes does not leave it up for discussion. It is an end to the conversation tat allows me to walk away without guilt. I answered their question. :)

 

We have 4 kids with our FS, and now I get, 'are they all yours?' Lol

 

The longer you deal with this the less it will bother you.

[Carrie12345]

I'm easily irritated, lol.

I try to keep some perspective, though.  When my niece was visiting, I was asked several times if they were all mine. Sometimes I said "Most of them!"  Other times, oldest ds was not with us and I said "One isn't, but I have another at home, so there's that!"

[The Governess]

I have an internationally adopted daughter. I get asked this occasionally. I've never thought I should be offended by it. What if I was her nanny? What if she was a friend along for a play date? How would anyone know unless they ask?

 

If I was single and nannying for a family of a different race, should I be offended if someone thought the baby was mine? I guess I don't see the difference. People are curious. Unless they asked the question in a snotty way, I don't find it rude at all. My answer is always just "yes." :)

[HS Mom in NC]

Our youngest was adopted from S. Korea.  My older two, my husband and I are Caucasian.

 

My experience has been that most people have questions about international adoption and they want someone with first hand experience answering those questions. Another subset want to know if I'm the babysitter or the mom. It's the rare questioner that's being nosey.

[Truscifi]

Yes! This is #1 on the list. Another fave: We ordered it. Special.

 

Now, you quoted me before I caught that I typed "read" instead of "red." Horrors. Why did I give up caffeine 11 years ago??? Oh, wait. I do drink tea now, and not just caffeine-free. Perhaps I need a cuppa.

 

I was a regular babysitter for a little girl with red hair when I was 16-18. For some reason when she was about two, she answered "Walmart" very matter-of-factly, and it just stuck. So every time someone asked where she got that red hair - which happened a LOT, especially when she was with me because I have very dark brown hair - she told them it came from Walmart. That got them every time! People never knew what to make of it. I just smiled and kept moving. :lol:

 

As for the OP, I would just say yes and move on, mentally trying to give the benefit of the doubt that the person was just trying to start a conversation.

[Mrs Mungo]

People just don't know how to make polite conversation and believe their every curiosity should be satisfied. Yes, it is rude to ask some questions, whether or not the answer is "insulting."

 

You are going to keep facing nosy questions like:

Are you breastfeeding

Is baby sleeping through the night

Does baby have any teeth yet

 

And so forth and so on. People are mostly just making conversation. Don't take the questions as judgments. (HUGS)

[Berta]

I have to tell you that one time we were at Disney World and there was a lovely family with three little Chinese girls in line.  DH said, "Where are your girls from?"  He wanted to talk about China with them and find out if their girls were from anywhere close to where our son was from.  

 

The mother got very upset almost immediately.  She replied in a very curt tone, "They are from Pittsburgh!"  I quickly pulled my son out from behind me so she could see him and said, "We aren't trying to be rude, we just were curious if your girls are from a region close to where our son is from."  

Her tone changed dramatically and she talked about her girls for a good 10 minute and where they were each from (2 were twins) and when they adopted them, and the whole story.

 

So, I guess what I got from that is that just because someone asks, you shouldn't assume they are being rude.  I find that many people who ask have a reason.  Several times we have found out that they are in the process of adopting a child, have a relative who has just adopted and they are excited about it, or they are considering adoption.

 

Dawn

 

This situation is why I learned to say "Why do you ask?" if I am unsure of the questioners intent. I've gotten pretty good at reading most people. There are those who I am not sure about and this response usually tells me if they are curious because they are on the same path or being nosy.

[bolt.]

I thought of something: if people seem to be often curious around this topic with you, but it's upsetting when they actually ask the question, I wonder if you could develop a little thing you say first -- to add clarity, so the aren't curious and won't ask. I know you already say, "My son." -- Which, you'd think would be enough, but your experiences say it isn't quite blatant enough (because people persist). Perhaps saying something about the pregnancy sort-of off the bat? Like, "This is my son, 4 months old, so I had him just last fall. I was so pregnant and hot in the summer! Do you remember how hot it was?"

[SKL]

I've done the "why do you ask" re adoption questions, and every time the questioner had a legitimately positive reason for asking.  Most people are not jerks.  But I understand the occasional feeling of defensiveness, too.

 

Usually I say way too much once I get a question about adoption.  :p  But not so much when it comes to other non-mainstream aspects of my family - such as my being a single mom, an older mom, etc.

 

[Scarlett]

I have to tell you that one time we were at Disney World and there was a lovely family with three little Chinese girls in line. DH said, "Where are your girls from?" He wanted to talk about China with them and find out if their girls were from anywhere close to where our son was from.

 

The mother got very upset almost immediately. She replied in a very curt tone, "They are from Pittsburgh!" I quickly pulled my son out from behind me so she could see him and said, "We aren't trying to be rude, we just were curious if your girls are from a region close to where our son is from."

Her tone changed dramatically and she talked about her girls for a good 10 minute and where they were each from (2 were twins) and when they adopted them, and the whole story.

 

So, I guess what I got from that is that just because someone asks, you shouldn't assume they are being rude. I find that many people who ask have a reason. Several times we have found out that they are in the process of adopting a child, have a relative who has just adopted and they are excited about it, or they are considering adoption.

 

Dawn

But here is what I don't get about that whole thing........if I don't have an adopted child the question is rude, but if I too have a child adopted from China the question is ok? Why can't people just be friendly and answer questions. Or dead pan people and say 'we don't speak to strangers'.

 

How about saying, originally from China, now we live in Pittsburg.

[Scarlett]

Our youngest was adopted from S. Korea. My older two, my husband and I are Caucasian.

 

My experience has been that most people have questions about international adoption and they want someone with first hand experience answering those questions. Another subset want to know if I'm the babysitter or the mom. It's the rare questioner that's being nosey.

Well, I would be the rare one I guess. Nosy or curious I guess depends on your point of view. I am interested in other people and their stories.

[Excelsior! Academy]

All of our children look Caucasian although they are actually Native American.  One of our children is half African-American and half Native American.  People ask all of the time if they are all ours.  I always answer yes, even though technically they are not.  It is just easier.  I generally don't get offended and don't mind explaining, but most people probably don't want the details. 

 

 

A Caucasian couple we know adopted two boys from Ethiopia.  People often ask them if they adopted and the dad always says no.  They think it is hysterical. 

[Jean in Newcastle]

But here is what I don't get about that whole thing........if I don't have an adopted child the question is rude, but if I too have a child adopted from China the question is ok? Why can't people just be friendly and answer questions. Or dead pan people and say 'we don't speak to strangers'.

 

How about saying, originally from China, now we live in Pittsburg.

Because some adopted children have a hard time bonding and have baggage about that sort of thing and asking in front of the child can bring up a lot of grief for the parents and child after you've had your curiosity satisfied.  

[SKL]

But here is what I don't get about that whole thing........if I don't have an adopted child the question is rude, but if I too have a child adopted from China the question is ok? Why can't people just be friendly and answer questions. Or dead pan people and say 'we don't speak to strangers'.

 

How about saying, originally from China, now we live in Pittsburg.

 

People need to be sensible about asking or talking about a child in front of the child.  Fussing over a child's differentness may give the differences too much importance.  It depends on the individual child, and the parents are really the only people who can gauge whether it's a good idea to bring up the child's personal history in a Disney line.

 

On the other hand, we adoptive parents need to be ready to answer these questions in front of our kids without implying that we aren't proud of all that our kids are.

 

Imagine if we were talking about some other physical difference.  Such as a child missing a leg.  Would it be OK as a stranger to go up and ask, in front of the child, "how did he get that way?  Is that a birth defect or did he have an accident or disease?"  A racial difference is different, but we don't know whether the child has been up all night crying for his birth mom, dealing with racial taunts at school, not accepted by his grandparents, etc.  It's just better to try to make a connection over some other, common ground and let the parents or the child take the lead on the "difference" aspect.

 

If the child is not present, or is an infant, that's different.

 

[Jennifer132]

 

Imagine if we were talking about some other physical difference. Such as a child missing a leg. Would it be OK as a stranger to go up and ask, in front of the child, "how did he get that way? Is that a birth defect or did he have an accident or disease?" A racial difference is different, but we don't know whether the child has been up all night crying for his birth mom, dealing with racial taunts at school, not accepted by his grandparents, etc. It's just better to try to make a connection over some other, common ground and let the parents or the child take the lead on the "difference" aspect.

 

 

 

 

My oldest has a white blood cell disease called Juvenile Xanthogranuloma which leaves orange lesions on the skin (his is on his face). You'd be surprised how many people, adults and children alike, think it's perfectly ok to ask us about it. He's 8 now and has learned a standard answer "it's a birthmark" which is not true, but gives people enough of an answer that they let the topic go. At first it really bothered me, but we've gotten so used to it now that I get that people are just curious.

 

As for the OP, it sounds like you've been through the ringer with fertility related issues. :( that can leave pretty deep scars, which can make questions like that seem so much more irritating than they need be. But now you have this perfect little bundle in your arms; don't let other people's curious questions get to you. Just be honest and say that you were finally able to carry to term and now have a gorgeous little baby to love. :)

[freeindeed]

When people ask that question about my youngest child, I just smile and say, "Yes. And we are so blessed." :)

[KrissiK]

I get that all the time. My kids are all adopted and are varying shades of brown, with my oldest quite dark. It bothers me, but only because it brings up the obvious, "we're different", "your kids don't look like you" whereas in "normal" families Susie has her mother's eyes, and Johnny has dad's nose. It's hard to explain the feeling of loving kids so much and wishing that they did look like me and that I had birthed them (although, as I told my oldest dd, if she'd have grown in my tummy, she wouldn't be her). And then you have a culture that on one hand can get positively maudlin about adoption, fawning over adoptive parents like they were the next candidates for sainthood, and on the other hand acting like adoption and adoptive families are just not quite on par with biological families. Somehow, adoption will always be second best, the consolation prize. So, I guess I do have issues that come up when people point out the obvious, and we go from just being a mom with her kids, to being an "adoptive family".

[Lisa in Jax]

I guess this is especially for biracial families, (yes, that includes adopting a child of a different race) but anyone with a good idea/reply is welcome.

 

My 4mo son is biracial and he does NOT at first glance, look like a member of my race. Distant friends and relatives who knew I didn't have any kids continuously express surprise that he's mine. I have gotten the "Oh, is he yours" comment quite a bit, especially with all the holiday visiting and quite frankly, I am sick and tired of it already and my kids is only 4 months old. What is a graceful way to respond to this question?

 

I know that this is only the beginning and many of these people genuinely don't mean any harm but I hate it. Any suggestions?

 

[Scarlett]

Because some adopted children have a hard time bonding and have baggage about that sort of thing and asking in front of the child can bring up a lot of grief for the parents and child after you've had your curiosity satisfied.

 

  

People need to be sensible about asking or talking about a child in front of the child.  Fussing over a child's differentness may give the differences too much importance.  It depends on the individual child, and the parents are really the only people who can gauge whether it's a good idea to bring up the child's personal history in a Disney line.

 

On the other hand, we adoptive parents need to be ready to answer these questions in front of our kids without implying that we aren't proud of all that our kids are.

 

Imagine if we were talking about some other physical difference.  Such as a child missing a leg.  Would it be OK as a stranger to go up and ask, in front of the child, "how did he get that way?  Is that a birth defect or did he have an accident or disease?"  A racial difference is different, but we don't know whether the child has been up all night crying for his birth mom, dealing with racial taunts at school, not accepted by his grandparents, etc.  It's just better to try to make a connection over some other, common ground and let the parents or the child take the lead on the "difference" aspect.

 

If the child is not present, or is an infant, that's different.

 

Thank you both. This explanation makes sense to me. Btw, I haven't asked many questions that come to my mind for years because of things I read on this board.

[Lisa in Jax]

I guess this is especially for biracial families, (yes, that includes adopting a child of a different race) but anyone with a good idea/reply is welcome.

 

My 4mo son is biracial and he does NOT at first glance, look like a member of my race. Distant friends and relatives who knew I didn't have any kids continuously express surprise that he's mine. I have gotten the "Oh, is he yours" comment quite a bit, especially with all the holiday visiting and quite frankly, I am sick and tired of it already and my kids is only 4 months old. What is a graceful way to respond to this question?

 

I know that this is only the beginning and many of these people genuinely don't mean any harm but I hate it. Any suggestions?

Never mind. I read your follow up realized that my adoption-related reply wasn't related. Sorry!

 

[lea_lpz]

My husband and I are both Latino with one parent who is clearly mostly European as far as race and one who is more classically Latin looking. We both have dark hair, medium olive skin. My eyes are green and dh's are brown. My step son is very dark skinned as his mother is more indegenous featured, also Latino, and my dd is similar and coloring to dh and I. My ds looks white. He's blond, fair skinned and his green eyes. When I am on my own with all 3 people likely think I have 3 baby daddies, lol. People constantly ask me if my dh is White when I am alone with my kids. My dh has gotten strange looks with ds and asked if he's baby sitting.

 

I don't think people realize that bu nature Latin Americans are multiracial.

[boysrus]

Both of mine are biological children, but I had one lady ask if my youngest was "my husband's only child."  My oldest has red hair and freckles while the rest of us are dark haired with fair skin and blue eyes.  But really?

 

While the above comment is by far the worst, I get comments like "where did he get his coloring?" or "he looks completely different" often said in front of both of my children.  My oldest has never admitted the comments bother him, but he does say he doesn't like having red hair.

 

I agree with other posters that smiling and saying something polite without directly answering the comment is probably best.  Sometimes I take the time to explain the familial red hair connection, but I admit it's out of the desire to not be seen as having had an affair!  I shouldn't feel the need to explain though.

 

 

[zimom]

People need to be sensible about asking or talking about a child in front of the child. Fussing over a child's differentness may give the differences too much importance. It depends on the individual child, and the parents are really the only people who can gauge whether it's a good idea to bring up the child's personal history in a Disney line.

 

On the other hand, we adoptive parents need to be ready to answer these questions in front of our kids without implying that we aren't proud of all that our kids are.

 

Imagine if we were talking about some other physical difference. Such as a child missing a leg. Would it be OK as a stranger to go up and ask, in front of the child, "how did he get that way? Is that a birth defect or did he have an accident or disease?" A racial difference is different, but we don't know whether the child has been up all night crying for his birth mom, dealing with racial taunts at school, not accepted by his grandparents, etc. It's just better to try to make a connection over some other, common ground and let the parents or the child take the lead on the "difference" aspect.

 

If the child is not present, or is an infant, that's different.

 

YES!

[redsquirrel]

I was in Prospect Park in Brooklyn and a mom asked me if I was the nanny. My son could not look more like me, btw. She was trying to hire me as a nanny. To be fair, the park was stuffed with kids and their nannies, and nanny poaching is a well known practice. When I told her I wasn't a nanny, but his mom, she said, "Oh, I should have known. You are so nice to him." FTR, the nannies I saw were all perfectly nice to their charges.

 

I think her mistake was more based on the fact that I wasn't dressed as well as the other moms. I looked more like I was 'nanny class' and not 'Park Slope mom class.' 

 

In the same park I was also approached by nannies asking if I was looking to hire, because they would like to work for me. Awkward day at the park!

[tampamommy]

You've gotten a lot of great responses, covering the full spectrum of possibilities.

 

Maybe it will be comforting for you to know that this happens in my family and we are all the same race. Specifically, when I am out with my ds 17 who is over a foot taller than me. I am not terribly short, but I have a very small build. He is a big guy. We have often been asked (usually when we are alone together) - "is he yours?" One person (total stranger) actually said, "How did THAT happen?" Others think he is my boyfriend. :001_smile:

 

Who knows what goes through people's minds or what their intentions are. Sometimes it is ignorance; maybe others, a genuine attempt to find common ground. Either way, folks have different internal regulators on what they say to complete strangers. Some people's regulators are more loose than others. Try not to let it bother you - you can't change them. Respond in a way that makes you comfortable and don't worry about their response to your response!!

[Jean in Newcastle]

I get asked if mine are my grandkids - even my 16 year old.  One lady even argued with me when I said that I was the mother!   :glare:   But I had my kids later in life and I don't dye my hair.  

[kroe1]

We all get questions from bold people no matter what our differences. I get asked all the time if I am my DD's grandmother. It just goes with the territory. At least I could anticipate it when my fat pregnant abdomen and quite deep facial wrinkles drew quite a few stares.

 

I do not think people's questions are necessarily rude. Some are asked in fear, like the stranger who asks if a seborrheic rash is contagious. Some questions are asked out of concern like, "Why does your child walk like that?" But most are just asked out of ignorance or to start a conversation. I cannot fault others for that.

 

Sorry, I do not know the best answer to your question. I just answer the ones to me honestly.

[Flowing Brook]

I thought I would share a funny story.

Growing up my sisters and I went to a  summer camp. My sister started telling two girls there  I was adopted. She told them that I was found on the side of the road and that I was so ugly they did not know I was human at first. They thought I was some sort of animal.  She then went on about how they took me to the vet and that is when it was discovered that I was human. They felt so sorry for me because I was so ugly they decided to keep me.  The girls apparently then asked if I was still really ugly. My sister said that now I was really beautiful. About that time I showed up and the girls just stared at me. I proceeded to introduce myself and the girls just stared refusing to say anything.  I tried to get a conversation out of them -nothing. They refused to say a word just stared like there was something wrong with me. Finally I left and asked my other sister who was standing there to come with me. I asked her what was wrong that those girls would not talk to me.  My sister then told me the whole story.

Later the girls told my sister that they did not know what to say to me.  They "knew" I did not know I was adopted and did not want to be the one's to reveal it to me. They said they just did not know how to respond to me. I was light blonde and blue eyed while they were dark brown haired and brown eyed.  I wonder how long it was before the girls figured out the truth? Or if they still think about the girl that was found along the side of the road!

[Kerileanne99]

When I am out in public with my daughter I get one of two extremes: she is four and loves to 'push' me in the wheelchair (i.e hold onto my handles so I can ensure she stays close). People generally tend to make general comments about what a great little helper she is:)

 

However, even though she looks just like me, I get more than a few crazy comments.

"Is she YOURS? Really? Like, from YOUR body? But, how in the world did you....?

(Insert shocked faces)

And you just know all sorts of words flit through those brains, lol. Some people are not even polite enough to stop that sentence. I have actually had people ask how she was conceived (explicitly!), carried, born, etc.

One woman even asked me if since I had a child was I just 'faking' being in a wheelchair?!

 

Actually, I am:) I am just so incredibly lazy that I thought I would make my life so much easier for the last 12 years by not bothering to get up. I stole this child to work as my 'helper' because I couldn't get a dog😇