Rjmakmom Posted December 13, 2013 Share Posted December 13, 2013 My 15yo son has been dating a girl for a year. She was included in our family and we all love her. A few days ago they broke up- more specifically, he ended it with her. She is hurt and angry and is bashing him on all varieties of social media. Ok, he was a jerk and perhaps even deserved a small bit of that. Today she wanted him to come over to return her things and pick up his, it also happens to be his bday. We stopped by on our way to dinner. She slapped him across the face in front of her mother! And now the mother is texting him, texting me, demanding he talk to her daughter for 10 mins, etc. I have asked the mother to please stay out of a situation that should be only between two teens. She has not relented. This has been going on all night. I plan on changing his cell number tomorrow, but anyone have other suggestions? This is ridiculous! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bolt. Posted December 13, 2013 Share Posted December 13, 2013 Me, in your shoes: "I understand that my son has been terribly hurtful to your daughter, but it seems to be over between them. I'm not going to support you or her in your plan to pressure him into an unwanted conversation. Your daughter is clearly in a lot of pain. I feel terrible for her. I want her to recover. However, I don't want slapping my son's face and harassing him after their breakup to be part if her recovery. So, with all my sympathy, please stop trying to add your weight to her attempts to contact him. I think his boundaries should be up to him. I expect your daughter to behave like a heartbroken teenager -- I expect you to behave differently." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rjmakmom Posted December 13, 2013 Author Share Posted December 13, 2013 Me, in your shoes: "I understand that my son has been terribly hurtful to your daughter, but it seems to be over between them. I'm not going to support you or her in your plan to pressure him into an unwanted conversation. Your daughter is clearly in a lot of pain. I feel terrible for her. I want her to recover. However, I don't want slapping my son's face and harassing him after their breakup to be part if her recovery. So, with all my sympathy, please stop trying to add your weight to her attempts to contact him. I think his boundaries should be up to him. I expect your daughter to behave like a heartbroken teenager -- I expect you to behave differently." I just got another text from the mother and literally typed your response word for word. Fingers crossed Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StephanieZ Posted December 13, 2013 Share Posted December 13, 2013 I like bolt's explanation. :) I might try: "I know Joey acted like a jerk and hurt Samantha. Teen boys can be such dolts! I understand how upset she is, and I am not shocked that her upset led her to hit Joey. But, I am sure you must agree that their relationship has become unhealthy for both of them and further drama will just make it worse, and especially for Samantha since she actually assaulted Joey, which could have gotten her injured or in serious legal trouble if she did that with some people. They are obviously both too immature to handle a relationship. Let's hope they've both learned from this and behave better in their next relationships -- which, for Joey, I hope doesn't occur for a LONG time as he has a lot of growing up to do! I'm too disgusted with his behavior to want to see him repeat it!" Of course, only use what sounds true to you. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zoobie Posted December 13, 2013 Share Posted December 13, 2013 If she keeps it up, you might be more blunt and tell her there are consequences for harassment and slander and you could press charges for assault, so maybe they both want to take some nice, deep breaths and chill the heck out. Also, WHEW on getting rid of her at 15! Maybe he will steer clear of drama from now on out. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rjmakmom Posted December 13, 2013 Author Share Posted December 13, 2013 This is just so frustrating. I honestly think the daughter could be doing much better by now if the mother would stop trying to get her "closure". She is making this so much worse. And I don't appreciate a 50yo woman repeatedly harassing my 15yo after I have asked her to stop. I sincerely hope he has learned that dating and relationships aren't all sunshine and roses. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zoobie Posted December 13, 2013 Share Posted December 13, 2013 Instead of changing his number, just block mom's number. I missed that she was texting your son! She sounds unhinged. Imagine if the slapping roles had been reversed! One of those double standards that burns me up. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rjmakmom Posted December 13, 2013 Author Share Posted December 13, 2013 Instead of changing his number, just block mom's number. I missed that she was texting your son! She sounds unhinged. Imagine if the slapping roles had been reversed! One of those double standards that burns me up. Duh...why didn't I think of that?! Lol totally forgot you can block numbers. Done. Now...to figure out how to do that on my phone Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dandelion Posted December 13, 2013 Share Posted December 13, 2013 I'd just block mom's number (and the daughter's, if she has her own phone), and stop responding to any of their attempts to get in touch. Continuing to respond just fuels the fire. I'm sure both you and your DS have said all you need to say. They'll get over it more quickly once there's no more response. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted December 13, 2013 Share Posted December 13, 2013 Don't apologize for your son. Don't act like he's to blame and don't act like the girl was right and he was wrong. Period. Just don't. I don't care what he did; that girl should not have slapped him. Honestly, I think he dodged a bullet when he broke up with her. Both she and her mother sound like drama queens with anger management issues. If he had slapped the girl, he would have been facing assault charges. It makes me sick that people think it's OK for a girl to hit a boy. It isn't. Not at all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HS Mom in NC Posted December 13, 2013 Share Posted December 13, 2013 If I were you, I'd tell the mother that since she has disregarded your request to stop contacting your son, you'll be contacting a lawyer or law enforcement about what the next step will be. Neither you nor your son should respond to her or the daughter anymore. Block her and the daughter from everything. Don't have any contact with them directly or indirectly. Seriously, find out from a lawyer or law enforcement what to do if it continues-this woman is nuts. Sometime in the future (not any time soon) you should point out to your children (with this as an example) that when you a marry someone, you marry into their families and you should go into marriage with your eyes WIDE open and agree BEFORE you get married how to handle the difficult relatives. Couples who don't and who have different ideas about boundaries with the in-laws are volunteering for a nightmare. I agree that had the situation been reversed everyone would be screaming for your son to face assault charges. Welcome to equality! She should be facing assault charges. While it's theoretically possible he may be the only one to blame, it's not very likely. Don't automatically assume the man is always to blame and the woman is always innocent. It can go either way but it's usually a mixture of both. Or, here's a thought, it wasn't a good match and no one's to blame. Imagine! The realtionship two teens were in didn't stand the test of time!? What!? They didn't get married and live happily ever after? Shocking! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lisbeth Posted December 13, 2013 Share Posted December 13, 2013 Pat your son on the back for dropping this one...she and mom sound like real winners! I would be concerned about a woman her age being this invested in my 15 year old son. I hope it blows over soon. Who are these adults like her? I keep hearing about these overly involved in teen drama mamas. Wow! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laurie4b Posted December 13, 2013 Share Posted December 13, 2013 That was assault & battery and it sounds like it may even have been planned. I would have been willing to encourage my son to give a girl closure through a conversation (BTDT myself) but not after she slapped him. DONE. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fraidycat Posted December 13, 2013 Share Posted December 13, 2013 I would call the cops. Now. Explain the slap on the face (assault) and repeated texts (harassment). The cops may or may to press charges, but they probably will have a talk with drama queen and drama queen junior and hopefully scare them off. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted December 13, 2013 Share Posted December 13, 2013 seems the girl could have had her 10 minute of conversation, but she choose to slap him instead. remind the mom of that. the girl made HER choice. (and if he'd slapped her, the mom would have been running to the cops screaming assault.) mom needs to stay out of it, instead she is encouraging her dd to engage in overly dramatic and potentially dangerous life altering behavior. (re: assault and harassment that could one day land her in jail.) they're 15, not 35 and divorcing after 10 years of marriage and three kids. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lavender's green Posted December 13, 2013 Share Posted December 13, 2013 Do not feed the crazies. Block their numbers, and tell your son it would be a good idea to stay off all social media until the holidays are over. If mutual friends try to bring it up, he should firmly say he's not interested in having that conversation. I would not waste police resources to try to teach them a lesson. And honestly if the mom is coaching her daughter in break-up histrionics, their problems run deep. Those problems aren't yours to fix. Now if they go really crazy, then of course you should get the police involved. But with the way it stands now, the police have a million more important things to do than deal with a 15 year old girl who slapped her ex and is sending him too many texts. I'd also impress upon your son that he's seen what she's like (and her mother!) and he can expect far worse if he gets back together with her and they break up again, and that most couples who break up once will break up again (unless there were unusually trying circumstances surrounding the first break-up, but in this case there weren't). And maybe suggest to your son that he consider not get involved in another relationship until both he and the new girl are mature enough to deal with their problems on their own and not have to get their parents involved. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrincessMommy Posted December 13, 2013 Share Posted December 13, 2013 yes, call the cops. she assaulted your son and you're being harrassed by mom. keep the texts and evidence. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Word Nerd Posted December 13, 2013 Share Posted December 13, 2013 Ugh. It does sound like the mother is contributing to the girl's behavior. I'd block both numbers and would contact the police if the harassment continues even after you've told them to stop all contact. Assault and verbal abuse are not acceptable. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GSOchristie Posted December 13, 2013 Share Posted December 13, 2013 If someone slapped my son in the face, especially in front of me, I'm not sure I would handle it calmly. Good job on keeping your cool :). Hopefully you blocked her and she is a thing of the past, ugh. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NorthwestMom Posted December 13, 2013 Share Posted December 13, 2013 No advice other than what you've already gotten, but :grouphug: :grouphug: . What a mess. The mother is a nutball. I guess the bright side is that this is the opening you have to talk to all of your kids about expectations around ending romantic relationships and how no one is allowed to physically hurt you no matter what. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danestress Posted December 13, 2013 Share Posted December 13, 2013 I would consider getting a restraining order. I knew when I read this that there would be a gazillion posts about double standards and how unfair it is, but no one EVER gets charged with assault for a simple slap that is not reported to the police. Criminal charges start with someone informing authorities, which is your/your son's choice. Women are charged with domestic abuse in America every day. Is there a double standard? Yes. But if you don't report it you can't really complain about that. And I am not criticizing you for not calling the cops. On the civil side, you can probably get a restraining order based in what has happened. Write down what happened, keep track of the texts and phone calls, and have someone take screen shots of any relevant online posting. Men get restraining orders against women all the time, and there need not be criminal charges in order to get a civil restraining order. This may die a natural death. I hope so, and I bet your son would like to have it just die without more drama. But I would keep records just in case. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
G5052 Posted December 13, 2013 Share Posted December 13, 2013 I'd go no contact. Their behavior is unacceptable. The physical violence and social media aspects of this are not the way to handle things. I personally wouldn't go to the police unless blocking doesn't stop it, and/or if they show up at your house. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted December 13, 2013 Share Posted December 13, 2013 My xh (kids Dad) and I used to call people like this mom "Rabbit Stew Crazy" - from Fatal Attraction. I would disengage, then not engage again. I'd also press charges. The double standard is disturbing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murphy101 Posted December 14, 2013 Share Posted December 14, 2013 Don't apologize for your son. Don't act like he's to blame and don't act like the girl was right and he was wrong. Period. Just don't. I don't care what he did; that girl should not have slapped him. Honestly, I think he dodged a bullet when he broke up with her. Both she and her mother sound like drama queens with anger management issues. If he had slapped the girl, he would have been facing assault charges. It makes me sick that people think it's OK for a girl to hit a boy. It isn't. Not at all. Damn straight. "Do not text, call, email, write, or approach my son. And if your daughter ever slaps him again, I will press charges for assault and battery. Their relationship is over." Heartbroken girls manage to be heartbroken every day without slapping anyone. That's a BS excuse. A person, any person, doesn't get to say, "well s/he really made me mad or hurt my feelings!" And think it justifies hitting someone else. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
momto10blessings Posted December 14, 2013 Share Posted December 14, 2013 If you are planning on filing a report, do not tell them. Do not threaten to call the cops. My cousin was in a similar situation with a crazy girlfriend. When he told her he would file a report with the police, she went and told the cops that he hit her. What a mess. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murphy101 Posted December 14, 2013 Share Posted December 14, 2013 If you are planning on filing a report, do not tell them. Do not threaten to call the cops. My cousin was in a similar situation with a crazy girlfriend. When he told her he would file a report with the police, she went and told the cops that he hit her. What a mess. Ugh., crud. You are absolutely correct. I agree. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liz CA Posted December 14, 2013 Share Posted December 14, 2013 they're 15, not 35 and divorcing after 10 years of marriage and three kids. This is what I am thinking. What drama and they are not even of legal age yet. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GSOchristie Posted December 14, 2013 Share Posted December 14, 2013 If you are planning on filing a report, do not tell them. Do not threaten to call the cops. My cousin was in a similar situation with a crazy girlfriend. When he told her he would file a report with the police, she went and told the cops that he hit her. What a mess. Oh, my, that would have never crossed my mind! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mysticmomma Posted December 20, 2013 Share Posted December 20, 2013 How's it going? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OneStepAtATime Posted December 20, 2013 Share Posted December 20, 2013 I have experience with this sort of thing in our state. Call the non-emergency police number and describe the situation. Tell them you told the woman not to contact you anymore. Ask them what to do from here. Do what they tell you to do. Yes. Please do this. And document EVERYTHING in non-inflammatory or judgemental language. Write it down, put dates, keep track. And like PP say take photos of any inappropriate posts on the social networking sites. Don't spend your day monitoring them, but don't not look at them either. You may find that something really ugly is happening behind your back. Don't let your son respond to anything on there, or you either, but take photos. You have sent a polite but firm message in person and by phone. You have made it clear you do not think further contact is a good idea, now protect your son and your family. Disengage, but protect yourselves. And do everything to diffuse this. Don't, under any circumstances, meet with them in person again unless you absolutely have to, but if you do, be polite, be courteous, be firm and don't let them spin any conversation into an argument. Take the high road every time so they can't turn anything you or your son say into something it wasn't. Hopefully, this will blow over. Hugs and best wishes to you all.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RanchGirl Posted December 20, 2013 Share Posted December 20, 2013 I agree with previous posters that say document everything, do not engage, do not apologize, and consider filing a report if this continues. I would suggest your son not go anywhere alone for awhile so he has a witness and an alibi if there are any confrontations or accusations. And thank your lucky stars you found out about these crazies now instead of after a wedding and child are involved! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seasider Posted December 20, 2013 Share Posted December 20, 2013 OP, is there an update? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SunnyDays Posted December 20, 2013 Share Posted December 20, 2013 I'm hoping no news is good news, and that the whole thing has blown over. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SproutMamaK Posted December 20, 2013 Share Posted December 20, 2013 Just joining the slowly-growing throng that's hoping for an update. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
UnsinkableKristen Posted December 20, 2013 Share Posted December 20, 2013 :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted December 21, 2013 Share Posted December 21, 2013 :lurk5: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blessed3x Posted December 21, 2013 Share Posted December 21, 2013 :lurk5: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DragonFaerie Posted December 21, 2013 Share Posted December 21, 2013 Me, too. I hope no news is good news! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rjmakmom Posted December 22, 2013 Author Share Posted December 22, 2013 Sorry for not updating- yes, things do appear to have finally blown over. There has been zero contact between ds and the girl and her mother. The girl was posting some lies on Instagram for a few days, but even that seems to have finally stopped. Thanks to everyone for the help, prayers and advice. DS is very gun shy about dating right now...and that is a-ok with me! I think we all need a bit of a break. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted December 22, 2013 Share Posted December 22, 2013 Thanks for posting the update -- I'm glad all is well! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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