Is being a SAHM hard work?

[TracyP]

I can't vote because apparently I don't have enough posts :huh: ...I will vote other when it lets me. This just depends on too many factors as others have mentioned. It also depends on the day. :tongue_smilie: I chose my path and I love what I do. If you feel like you have to be a SAHM for some reason, and you don't enjoy it, that would color how hard you think it is. Plus, how do you define hard?

 

I find being a homeschooling SAHM more enjoyable than any job I have had. That doesn't make it easy - I do work really hard. (I thought SAHM pre-homeschooling was way easy. But also not near as fulfilling which made it harder emotionally) DH and I always joke about this. He would be miserable doing what I do and I would be miserable doing what he does. It would be harder *for me* to go to work every day. I know women who were very unhappy being a SAHM. It was easier for them to have a job outside the home.

 

I do know this: I wouldn't be able to visit TWTM as much during work at most other jobs. I wouldn't be able to sleep in every once in a while. I wouldn't get to declare a park day just because the sun is shining or a movie day because it is not. I don't know...I think I have it pretty easy in some ways. It just depends how you want to look at it.

 

[Mergath]

I can't vote because apparently I don't have enough posts :huh:

 

I got that message too.  :confused1:

[TracyP]

I got that message too.  :confused1:

 

If only I had one post...

[JessReplanted]

I am amazed by those who say that being a SAHM is not hard.

 

It is a blessing, and I'm thankful that I'm able to do it, but IMO, it is not easy.

Add homeschooling on top of that, and I think it is incredibly challenging.

[JustEm]

I've never had a full time job but I know that it would be harder for me than being a SAHM.  But I hate working!! I absolutely hate waking up early to be stuck in an office all day or having to work for someone else.  Office politics annoy the hell out of me and I would be miserable if I had to deal with them 40 hours a week.  I own my own pet sitting business and if I ever chose to do it full time I would probably love it because I'd be working for myself.  And I probably wouldn't consider it work so the difficulty factor wouldn't be a factor. 

 

Being a SAHM is difficult at time but over all I don't view it as hard.  Its what I love and if I'm doing something I truly love to do then I don't see it as hard, I barely even see it as work.  Of course I have a wonderful support system and a dh who is an active participant in the parenting aspects and does a reasonable amount of the housework when needed. If I didn't have that I may feel differently.

[NASDAQ]

Bringing the obvious answer: It depends on who you are, what you find difficult, how old your kids are, how many you have, what those kids are like, what you'd be doing outside the home, and 100 other variables.

 

Is mothering one preschool child at home with chronic illness easier or harder than working outside the home in a clerical position with three pre-teens? Damned if I know.

 

I experience my current situation as rewarding, but challenging (One new walker, one preschooler, two young school age, home schooling, everyone healthy, no LDs).

[NicAnn]

I was one of the posters in the other thread. Here's my thought on it-

Being a mother is challenging, sure. But for every challenge the reward is greater, in my opinion. It's challenging in that I am often busy all day long, I have to think about how my decisions will effect the future, I am responsible 24/7. But it's not a "job" like other things are. It's a joy, I really do think.

I believe my day as a parent is easily quantified...and I never felt that with things I've done previously.

[SKL]

This just can't be true.  Sure she would have to do all of the household tasks, but not all of the parenting tasks.  She didn't have to do the full-time caregiving.  When you are working outside the home, someone else is doing a large part of the raising of your child, including working on physical, emotional, and cognitive growth and discipline of that child.  When you're a SAHM, you're on all the time and all of those responsibilities are yours.  Someone working outside the home just can not do the same level of parenting work that a SAHM does because a large part of it is done by someone else.  If the child is getting enough sleep, waking time that a working parent could possibly spend with that child is less than half during the week. 

 

I can see how it would be challenging to try to pick up parenting where the paid caregiver left off each day, redefine your relationship, try to develop traditions and instill your values in less time than you'd have as a SAHM, but that's not the same as parenting full time.  I can also see how it is easier not to have to undo the work done by someone else or try to get on the same page with them, and also squeeze all of the things you want to do with your child into the hours before and after work. 

 

OTOH, being the one responsible for all aspects of the child's growth all the time can be exhausting, as any job where you'd be responsible for the whole job 365/24/7 would be.  Whether or not anyone finds full-time parenting (24/7) more or less difficult than full time work outside the home (8) plus part-time parenting is the real question here, isn't it?  Are we actually talking about the housework, or are we really talking about the parenting?

 

I've always understood SAHM to mean stay-at-home-mother, not homemaker.  Perhaps it means something different to a homeschooling mother than one with kids in school?  DH & I have a division of household labor.  My day job is to be responsible for the parenting and educating all day every day, his is to work for someone outside the home 8 hours per day, 5 days per week.  We still have a household to run at the end of the day.  And he does find it challenging to step into the parenting situation I have set up because the way I do things is not necessarily the way he would do them.

 

As a working mom, I don't know how you can say that working moms delegate the responsibility for our kids' growth and well-being.  We delegate some of the hands-on labor but not the responsibility.  Think about it.  Do you really think having the teen from next door sit with your kids relieves you of the majority of parenting responsibilities?  No, and no parent would want it to.  Responsibilities don't stop when you leave the house to go to your job.

 

I started to list all the parenting stuff I manage as a working mom.  Then I deleted, because even in broad generalities, it was going on and on.  Of course I don't claim that working moms do as much with our kids as homeschooling moms - we delegate most of the details of education (but not the big responsibilities).  But so do most SAHMs.

[Pamela H in Texas]

Motherhood is....whatever it is for each person.  

There is no way *I* could work and do it well. 

I have a friend who says there is no way she could do it if she was home full-time.

 

The first time around, MOST of the time, I found it easy, enjoyable, wonderful.

The teen years were mostly a dream!  I loved them. We had a few growing pains in the last year, but very very mild compared to the warnings I heard with people's "just wait..."  Can I stop waiting now that my kids are grown? 

 

This time around, I am thankful for those wonderful times

But this is DEFINITELY *work* and I'm regularly struggling with some aspect or another.

Of course, I have three times as many children with three times (or so) more issues per child (well, not the baby).

 

I *really* think people need to not be judging one another.  We each have our own journey.

 

 

[elegantlion]

Anyone who said that probably doesn't stay home all the time.  I think some of the more challenging aspects are things like loneliness!  I don't get terribly lonely because I'm an introvert, but it still does happen to me sometimes.  I can't just come and go as I please.  It's not bon bons and soap operas. 

 

I do, mostly. :coolgleamA:  Being an introvert, as a SAHM I can control when and if I interact with others. When I had a job, my introvert side cringed a lot at having to be around people all day. When I was feeling less than 100% I still had to go to work. Many of those jobs my mood couldn't ebb and flow like it naturally does. I had to be "on" and helpful all day. 

 

Do I get lonely, sometimes. It can be lonely when you work with a group and don't necessarily fit in. Not all adult conversations are worth having either. 

 

One of my office jobs was before business casual. I had to wear hose and skirts and heels. I haven't owned a pair of real hosiery in a long time. 

 

As a SAHM if I want to stay in pjs all day I can. If I'm having a particularly bad period, I can sit around with a heating pad and  be grumpy - try that in an office while wearing hose and heels. If I'm feeling a bit under the weather, I can call movie day and park our butts in front of the TV. 

 

I like being in control of my time. Working outside of the home eliminates that. The choices I can make as a SAHM mom are what makes it easier for me. 

[SKL]

You do delegate at the very least on a part time basis.  For example, while your kids are at school someone else is taking care of them.  This is not meant as a bash or anything like that, but that is what is going on.  This is not to say that you don't have ultimate responsibility of them, but more than one person is taking care of their needs at various points throughout the week.  Again, not a bash, just a fact.

 

I never denied that.  However, we're talking about SAHM, not SAHHSM (I thought).  SAHMs usually send their kids to school, too.

 

Outside of school, so my kids are in aftercare, where there are a couple of ladies watching over about 50 kids as they do their thing.  If they were at home, they would be playing with very loose supervision while I worked.  When I was their age, my sibs and I were latchkey kids.  No adult was responsible for us except for our working parents.  The important stuff - emotional coaching, discipline, making educational and health decisions, teaching life skills, etc. - these are never delegated by most working parents.

 

[mytwomonkeys]

I am amazed by those who say that being a SAHM is not hard.

 

It is a blessing, and I'm thankful that I'm able to do it, but IMO, it is not easy.

Add homeschooling on top of that, and I think it is incredibly challenging.

 

i don't know. i just don't think of my life as hard. 

 

it doesn't devalue the energy it takes to be a SAHM, nor does it imply everyone's experience should be the exact same (anymore than saying "i love homeschooling" infers all should do it).  

 

i feel like the question being asked isn't a one size fits all.  if i had 10 kids i would probably cry and drink & if someone else had to deal with my son they might sell him on ebay.  i can only answer from who i am and who my kids are.    

 

i also think we are each answering from our own definitions of what hard and difficult look like.  

[Soror]

I think life goes better when others don't try to define the experiences of others.  There are way too many variables to make such blanket statements.  Plenty of jobs provide lots of downtime, having worked previously and knowing many others that work a large amount of workers in any field are lazy.  Doing the job of parenting, housekeeper and homeschool mom well provides the equivalent of more than 1 job, especially as most moms I know don't have any outside help and often husbands who are busy working themselves.  I think it also greatly depends on ages and the individual kids and mother.  It is often not a physically demanding job(most in the US aren't) but mentally and emotionally it is certainly can be difficult.  

[SKL]

Well, working outside the home is also harder if you have health issues, kids with special needs, if you hate working, if you're not a morning person, etc.  So that's individual as well.

[LMA]

If a person is striving to do their best at what they are doing, it's going to be hard. Some who work at home think mothers who work outside the home have it easy and vice versa. Relationships with children and husband and family are affected by circumstances so lives will be "different" not "easy."

 

Even if a person doesn't have kids, it doesn't mean they have it "easy". No one has an "easy" life on this planet. Periods of hardship and struggle are part of life.

 

[SKL]

Well I think we are in fact talking about SAHHSMs since this is a board populated in large part by those who are in that category.  This thread was started because at least someone made a comment about the job of SAHM was not hard work.  Who says that on a board like this?  I mean that's like me going to a board about baking and saying people who bake are kinda dumb and useless.  NOT COOL

 

Well in their defense, it was in the "state your unpopular opinion" thread, wasn't it?

 

[SKL]

Well if the question was "do you think it's hard work to homeschool and parent a houseful of kids all day," the answers would be different.

[mytwomonkeys]

Well if the question was "do you think it's hard work to homeschool and parent a houseful of kids all day," the answers would be different.

 

Agreed.

 

Plus, I didn't view the poll as all-inclusive. I assumed we were sharing from our own perspective & the question was just a spin off from the other thread.  Even then, I would assume those posters in the other thread were speaking about themselves -- not every SAHM around the world.

[Guest]

i don't know. i just don't think of my life as hard. 

 

it doesn't devalue the energy it takes to be a SAHM, nor does it imply everyone's experience should be the exact same (anymore than saying "i love homeschooling" infers all should do it).  

 

i feel like the question being asked isn't a one size fits all.  if i had 10 kids i would probably cry and drink & if someone else had to deal with my son they might sell him on ebay.  i can only answer from who i am and who my kids are.    

 

i also think we are each answering from our own definitions of what hard and difficult look like.  

 

:iagree: When I think of "hard" motherhood situations, I think of a lady I know whose daughter is battling cancer for the third time...and she has 5 other children. Sometimes I think of homeschooling mothers with dhs who are deployed for most of the year. Or I think of mothers who have a debilitating illness, yet they truck on for their family. Or they have children with severe needs or behavioral difficulties. And so on. But I don't think of the general "hard" things about motherhood that we pretty much all go through. I don't think of babies that wake a million times a night or toddlers who turn into Satan in the grocery aisle or teenagers who get a 'tude because you won't buy the expensive coat for them. 

 

I am hoppin' nearly all day long, every day because there is a heck of a lot of stuff to manage between homeschooling my boys, my dd in B&M school, my own college classes, my dh's businesses that I manage, the house, the cars, the bills, the groceries, etc., etc., etc., but having a lot to take care of does not qualify as "hard" to me. I just do the next thing and sometimes, things don't happen. *shrug* Oh well. The fact that I still carve out time to goof off here and read Game of Thrones indicates that my life is not that hard. 

[Changed]

I shouldn't have read all these responses--it's made me feel like I must be doing something very wrong.

 

My most-used sentence to my husband right now is "my life is hard!" I am emotionally and physically (due to lack of sleep) exhausted every single day. I never have a moment to my self. Is it hard labor? No, but I can never complete a task because someone needs to pee, then poop, then needs a snack, then the other needs to pee, then it's time to cook a meal, then the baby needs to nurse, then I'm doing "school" with the middle dd, then oldest dd needs help with school, etc. And there is always someone touching me and talking to me all day long. Someone is up to pee or nurse or because they're scared every couple hours at night. I never get to tune out or be alone or get more than three hours sleep at a time.

 

Like I said, I must be doing something wrong. Although I hate working outside the home, and want to stay with my kids, I still find it very hard.

[SKL]

I'm guessing that sleep plays into the equation rather significantly.  One thing I can say, my kids almost never interfere with my sleep.  Therefore if all I had to do was parenting, I'd have plenty of energy for it in the daytime.  Deprive me of sleep, and you will probably get a different answer.

[Jenny in Florida]

I think whether mothering is "easy" or challenging depends on a lot of factors. I worked outside the home for a decade or so before I had kids. I spent most of those years as an editor and technical writer, jobs I truly disliked. However, I feely admit working full time was tons easier for me than being a full-time mom, especially once you add homeschooling into the equation.

 

And any time my husband has to cover for me at home for more than a few hours, he's completely wiped out and grateful to go back to work the next day.

 

We do have kids who are unusually bright and who thrive on being highly engaged in lots of things. We chose to homeschool, and to stick to a pretty rigorous academic plan. My husband, for a variety of reasons, is not able to pitch in with the hands-on parenting as much as some dads do. We don't have a ton of disposable income, meaning that I often have to invest time and effort to make things happen that others might take care of by writing a check. There are probably other factors, but those are the ones that immediately come to mind.

 

A typical weekday for me begins at 6:15, when I wake up and go for a walk with the dog. I wake my son by 7:00 and make his breakfast so that we can be walking out the door by 8:00 to get to his dual enrollment classes. (Because he is under the official minimum age of 16, I have to escort him to class and remain on campus with him.) While he's in class, I camp out in the cafeteria. I try to use that time productively. Recently, I've been coordinating a fund-raiser for his choir. But I sometimes try to log a couple of hours at my online part-time job. Once he's done on campus, we drive about 35 minutes to pick up my daughter from the first of her part-time jobs. It's another 30 or so minutes back to the house. We typically get home by 1:15 or 1:30.

 

On Mondays, my son has two hours of choir rehearsal in the afternoon, and I drive him directly from there to his dance school. He needs to eat a substantial lunch before he leaves for choir, and I pack snacks/dinner for him to eat in the car on the way from choir to dance. The dance school is 30 - 45 minutes from the house, depending on traffic. So, if he's going to be there fewer than three hours, I don't bother to come home. On Mondays, he's there for two and a half hours. I try to find errands to run in the area or take along tasks I can do in the car (Christmas crafting, bill paying, proofreading his essays, etc.). He finishes there between 9:15 and 9:30, and we arrive home at about 10:00.

 

His activities schedule varies slightly from day to day, but he's at the dance studio most afternoons for anywhere between two and a half hour and six hours. On the days when he is there for long enough, I drop him and drive home. I try to schedule most of my working hours during those times. But sometimes, in order to get all of my hours, I end up working after we get back from the studio. The last two nights, I've been scheduled to work until midnight and haven't actually logged off until almost 1:00 a.m.

 

So, most weekdays I have assorted places to be and things to do scheduled from 7:00 a.m. until sometime between 10:00 p.m. and midnight. In the two or three hours I have "free" on any day, I have to do the laundry and grocery shopping and cooking and pet care and get the oil changed in my car and fill the gas tank and refill prescriptions and pay the bills and mow and edge the yard and respond to the 15 texts I get each day from dance and voice teachers (okay, slight exaggeration) and do the small amount of cleaning I actually manage to accomplish and the 400 other little tasks that no one else does. (Trust me when I tell you I am NOT one of those women who struggles with perfectionism regarding keeping my home sparkling clean.)

 

For the last six months, I also had a second part-time job working retail on the weekends. I quit at the beginning of this month, largely because it was simply taking too much of a toll on my family to have me unavailable for three days each week. Around here, weekends are almost as busy as Monday through Friday. My daughter usually works an early morning shift both Saturday and Sunday. Since my husband has a bad back and tries to avoid driving on the weekend, this means I have to be up and out the door with her by 6:00 a.m. or sometimes earlier in order to deliver her in time for her breakfast performances. She has to be picked up around noon. Meanwhile, my son is busy most weekends with extra choir and dance rehearsals and performances/competitions as well as church and youth group activities and volunteering, and he has to be driven to and from every one of them.

 

So, yeah, I find it challenging to keep up with all of this, let alone to do most -- or any -- of it really well. It's definitely worth it, but it is not easy.

 

[LaxMom]

It is not my natural inclination to spend my days with children (anyone's, including my own) so being a SAHM is much harder, mentally, for me than being a single, WOHM was, just in the context of constant input.

 

And, really, the whole housewife thing is sort of challenging because it's outside of my skill set. I know that seems odd to those who are so attuned, but there you have it.

 

On the other hand, scheduling and balancing obligations and activities is much easier when I'm home.

[Alte Veste Academy]

I don't know why people seem to think that everyone has, or should have, the same experience of it. People have different situations, and people have different aptitudes.

 

Amen.

 

And, frankly, I find blanket statements that it is not hard (as opposed to those who have answered "not hard for me" or "personally...") to be lacking in understanding (whether intellectual or emotional) and empathy. Not all situations are equal, even those which appear be on the surface. 

[Changed]

No no no no no!! You're not doing anything wrong.

 

I deeply offended a woman recently at a party because I declared--with great authority--that motherhood is oppressive. The woman has no children, I have two young children.

 

It's so hard, precisely because, like I said, it HAS to get done. It's 24/7. It never stops. There's ALWAYS SOMETHING, and the something is often so completely ridiculous it's hard to bear. You're an adult with adult feelings and adult thoughts, but all of your (my) time is eatten up by itty bitty little necessary (and often demoralizing, like diapers and getting no sleep) things.

 

I stand by it. Oppressive is the word.

 

We love our children. Obviously. We're committed to this. Obviously. But you are right: your life is hard. All that piddley little stuff adds up!!

 

They say it gets better as they get older, so we'll see.

Thanks!

 

It probably doesn't help my mindset any that my 3yo was vomiting all day yesterday and this morning my husband's blood sugar was 26(!) when I woke him up. Yeah, he was shaking and jittering and head-butted me in the cheek (so much pain!), and then ended up hitting his head on the wall and was bleeding. All while I was trying to keep the kids from watching and trying to get him to eat something. *sigh*

[Guest]

 

They say it gets better as they get older, so we'll see.

 

It does! Eventually, they learn to pee with no help and wipe their own tail. Eventually, they don't wet the bed anymore, don't pout because you made broccoli and don't wake up repeatedly. 

 

Course, then you have to teach them how to merge onto a highway, but it's a reasonable trade.

[T'smom]

Well, I find it extremely difficult and it was always my dream to be a homeschooling mom. If I thought my kids would have an equal or better education at school, I would send them. Part of what makes it difficult for me is that it isn't difficult! Washing dishes and changing diapers is not difficult.....BUT the monotony and lack of intellectual stimulation is so draining that it becomes difficult. I used to work part-time before we moved a couple years ago and that was so perfect. It gave me a chance to recharge, talk to adults, eat a meal while I read a book on my lunch break! I worked from 1-9, so ds was only with a sitter in the afternoon (during which he was asleep for more than half the time!) then he was with dh. I think what is so hard for me is that you are ON all.the.time. There is just never a break. I've been interrupted 3 times writing this short post! It is also draining to do something that is immediately undone. Why clean the house when it is just going to be destroyed again in 15 minutes? I cook a meal and we eat and the kids are *starving* before I get the dishes done. Other people have told me that I have challenging children. I don't really know if that is true, I have nothing to compare it to.

 

I actually think that the homeschooling part is easier than the housework part. The parenting is probably in the middle. With the schooling part you actually make progress. They know how to do something that they didn't know before. Once they learn to read, they don't forget 15 minutes later. (Although after a vacation, it can seem like their brains fell out!) sometimes it is actually stimulating! I get to use my brain!!!

 

I would LOVE my life if I had a housekeeper. Not a once a week one, but a daily one. My energy could be spent on the more rewarding things, we would do more projects and have more fun and I would be much less stressed.

[elegantlion]

I shouldn't have read all these responses--it's made me feel like I must be doing something very wrong.

 

My most-used sentence to my husband right now is "my life is hard!" I am emotionally and physically (due to lack of sleep) exhausted every single day. I never have a moment to my self. Is it hard labor? No, but I can never complete a task because someone needs to pee, then poop, then needs a snack, then the other needs to pee, then it's time to cook a meal, then the baby needs to nurse, then I'm doing "school" with the middle dd, then oldest dd needs help with school, etc. And there is always someone touching me and talking to me all day long. Someone is up to pee or nurse or because they're scared every couple hours at night. I never get to tune out or be alone or get more than three hours sleep at a time.

 

Like I said, I must be doing something wrong. Although I hate working outside the home, and want to stay with my kids, I still find it very hard.

 

:grouphug: Lack of sleep can be a huge issue even if you're not at a busy season of your life. 

[mathnerd]

Frankly there is no comparison. I have a very stressful job and I think that there is a lot less stress in a SAHM's job (even the ones homeschooling fulltime) - that is just my opinion based on the months I spent as a SAHM when I got laid off. I felt that all the stress related to the commutes, sick children, no sick days off, performance evaluations, deadlines, inability to do housework etc were far greater than overseeing bath time, dinner, lesson plans and craft and science projects etc as a SAHM. Even the occasional field trip was a breeze compared to the daily mad rush to drop off and pick up my child before/after work or tearing off to run an errand at my lunch time.

But, if you asked an ER doctor, a soldier who has been deployed, an emergency worker,  a short order cook or an astronaut, they will tell you that my day job in a temperature controlled cubicle is a cakewalk compared to theirs.

I don't see why the comparison arises - some stay home because they can/want/need to etc and some work outside because they can/need/want to etc. Both are not the same. Both have their own pros and cons. Why compare? 

[Soror]

I frequently lament that sleep deprivation is considered a torture method.  My last baby has really pushed me with her "spiritedness" it was hard enough w/ the first but to now have 3 others it certainly makes it much harder. Thankfully I've also become more skilled and organized but goodness trying to be that good mom, keep a clean house, give a rigorous education on little to no sleep w/ a husband working all the time and a brain that is hardly functioning, not fun.

[Orthodox6]

Poll would not let me vote because I cannot sensibly answer the second part.  Motherhood is challenging, no matter how old the children are.  Add that simple choice, and it will work. 

[Barb_]

I find parenting hard a lot of the time, mostly because of the unbroken tedium full time parenting requires.When I worked outside,I had long stretches of time where I was absorbed in something mentally challenging. I rarely experience that flow as a full time parent. Everything I do, even sleep, is interrupted. Sometimes I feel hunted. I might feel differently if I didn't prolong the baby/toddler/preschooler years over 24 years :/ I'm better with teenagers than I am with little ones.

 

You know, some people will find working outside easier, some will find staying home easier. It all depends on how challenging the job is, how high the interest level in the job is, how supportive and friendly the work environment is, how much support one has at home, the ages and number of children, the presence of special needs, and whether one finds intellectual work or emotional work more rewarding. There are so many factors that enter into the equation that it's impossible to categorically state, "staying at home is not hard." It's an insulting thing to say. Really. It's demoralizing to those who find it so.

[Carol in Cal.]

Being an excellent SAHM is hard work.

Not everyone who is a SAHM chooses to be excellent.

[BigMamaBird]

I find being a SAHM to be one of the hardest jobs I've ever had! 

 

You get very little interaction with other adults.  You're constantly on call, there are no breaks, lunches, long quiet commutes.  You are entirely responsible for the safety and well-being of a tiny little human.  It's often filthy and physically exhausting.   And if you add Homeschooling into the mix it's a whole 'nother ball of wax!  

[swellmomma]

I think it depends on how good of a mother and/or teacher you are. Also depends on kids and situation.

 

I disagree with that completely.  I have found motherhood to be hard period no matter if I was a SAHM, WAHM, or now a WOHM.  If I was a lazy/bad parent and/or teacher I would actually find it much eaiser because nothing would matter one way or the other.  THe thing that being a SAHM made easier was housework, and getting more sleep, still never enough, but more.  But being a SAHM had major issues too, mainly financial which made it more difficult since there was not enough money to cover everything which makes it pretty hard to feel it is easy when you are struggling to buy food etc. 

 

I wanted nothing more than to be a SAHM, when asked as a kid what I wanted to be when I grew up, from age 3 on I always said a mom.  The reality fell very short of the dream.  4 special needs kids, my own health problems, doing everything on my own, appts, therapies, court, damages to my home, teaching, cleaning, driving, working. Even without the extra work outside the home it was hard.  The working outside the home has taken away the financial stress but added tons more like not being able to keep up with the cleaning, especially after a child has gone off on a rampage while I was at work.  Those things when I was a SAHM at least I could keep up with somewhat.

 

Being home all day dealing with the outbursts/melt downs, the chaos, etc was physically exhausting, mentally exhausting, emotionally exhausting.  It is was made me sick in the first place.  I am a good mom and a good teacher, but I have a child with severe mental health issues and 3 others with learning issues, 2 mild and 1 quite significant.  I have not had an easy SAHM day since oldest turned 6, except for when he was in ps and/or mental units at the hospital.  In many ways being a SAHM was harder than working outside the home, at least outside I get a couple hours a day away from him and in an environment to talk to other adults. 

 

Try having no adult at home to turn to, never a break, any extended family you turned to for anything good or bad telling you it's your own fault so deal with it, 24/7 no end in sight,l no sleep, chaos, yeah it was not easy at all.  This thread just dredged that all up again, and pointed out strongly all my failures because I find/found it all hard.  It's not whether or not I am working, parenting is just damned hard for me.

 

 

[Jenny in Florida]

I find parenting hard a lot of the time, mostly because of the unbroken tedium full time parenting requires.When I worked outside,I had long stretches of time where I was absorbed in something mentally challenging. I rarely experience that flow as a full time parent. Everything I do, even sleep, is interrupted. Sometimes I feel hunted. I might feel differently if I didn't prolong the baby/toddler/preschooler years over 24 years :/ I'm better with teenagers than I am with little ones.

 

You know, some people will find working outside easier, some will find staying home easier. It all depends on how challenging the job is, how high the interest level in the job is, how supportive and friendly the work environment is, how much support one has at home, the ages and number of children, the presence of special needs, and whether one finds intellectual work or emotional work more rewarding. There are so many factors that enter into the equation that it's impossible to categorically state, "staying at home is not hard." It's an insulting thing to say. Really. It's demoralizing to those who find it so.

 

You know, several people have commented on the tedium and lack of intellectual stimulation involved in parenting. And that's something I just don't get. As I said, I worked as an editor and tech writer for about 10 years, per-kids, and I found those jobs bored me literally to tears many days. I used to fall asleep at my desk out of a sheer lack of will to remain awake. For several of those years, I suffered from insomnia, in large part because I knew that going to sleep would only mean waking up in the morning and going back to the office.

 

On the other hand, being "at home" with my kids, teaching them and parenting them (at least the way I've done it) requires me to be "on" pretty much all the time. There is great variety of task, and I'm called on to use my brain and think creatively in ways no job has ever required of me.

 

So, in my case, working was "easier," but I also hated it. At home, homeschooling mom is the most challenging "job" I've ever had -- and it hasn't gotten a lot easier with teens -- but I also know in my heart it's important and worthy of my energy. So, when I say it's "hard," I'm not complaining, just acknowledging the facts of how this is for me. I would much rather be here than in an office, but, yeah, working was a whole lot less demanding.

 

And I completely agree with the part of your quote that I bolded. I never cease to be amazed at how sure some people can be that they have "the answer" and that their own experiences are more valid or true than those of others.

[swellmomma]

As a working mom, I don't know how you can say that working moms delegate the responsibility for our kids' growth and well-being.  We delegate some of the hands-on labor but not the responsibility.  Think about it.  Do you really think having the teen from next door sit with your kids relieves you of the majority of parenting responsibilities?  No, and no parent would want it to.  Responsibilities don't stop when you leave the house to go to your job.

 

I started to list all the parenting stuff I manage as a working mom.  Then I deleted, because even in broad generalities, it was going on and on.  Of course I don't claim that working moms do as much with our kids as homeschooling moms - we delegate most of the details of education (but not the big responsibilities).  But so do most SAHMs.

 

yup.  ANd I work outside the home and the kids stay home alone.  My teens watch the youngers, there is no other person supervising them beyond phone call check ins from gramma or myself from work. SOmetimes I leave the older ones at the library or teen drop in center and take youngest with me, but again that is not having someone else being delegated the responsibility over them any more than claiming the martial arts instructor is being given that roll.  AND as a working and homeschooling mom I don't even hand over the education to someone else while I work.  I am still 100% the one the buck stops at even when I am working outside the home, no one else shoulders that.  Just like no one else did when I was home fulltime.

[Mergath]

Being an excellent SAHM is hard work.

Not everyone who is a SAHM chooses to be excellent.

Now that's just rude.

[bettyandbob]

Being an excellent SAHM is hard work.

Not everyone who is a SAHM chooses to be excellent.

 

This is just my opinion, others may interpret different. However, the above statement sounds like "mommy wars" material, a way to put others down.

 

What the heck does "excellent" mean.

 

It's not possible to be "excellent" without feeling like you've worked hard? Although, partly due to personal circumstances, I found being a SAHM and a SAHMHSM hard, I think there are people who do both well don't categorize their situation as "hard". It's all very subjective.

 

Should I call the person who says it's not hard lazy.

 

Should I call myself lazy because my family's appearance to others is quite imperfect?

[SKL]

Well I think there might be some confusion as to whether the OP asks "is it hard" or "is it hard work."  Or do some see these as the same?

 

The work of parenting has rarely been hard for me, including when I was alone with two babies 24/7 for months.  Sure, when a kid is up puking all night and missing the toilet every time, that's hard work, but that's also rare.

 

But, the emotional toll of being isolated with mostly nonverbal, needy babies 24/7 was hard at times.  Since I resumed working full-time, there have been many times when I've asked myself if I wouldn't be happier as a SAHM, and I always conclude that no, I would not.  Even though I am an introvert, I still need some adult interaction, and I still need to be part of a grown-up undertaking.  Possibly I'd feel differently if my kids had a father for me to "team" with.  I don't know.

 

But anyhoo - hard, yes (for me), but hard work, no (for me).

[ocelotmom]

Part of the problem here is that "easy" and "hard" aren't easily defined. Different jobs are easy and difficult in different ways.

 

There are jobs that are physically very easy. Much physically easier than being a SAHM, even with all modern conveniences. That doesn't necessarily make them easy jobs. Maybe something involving long hours making difficult, intellectually demanding, high-stakes decisions. 

 

On the other hand, ditch digging is physically hard, but intellectually pretty easy and non-stressful (beyond dealing with boredom).

 

I'm a nurse. My job is more intellectually demanding than that of the CNAs. Their job is more physically demanding than mine. I wouldn't say either job is "easier".

 

My job prior to having kids (in IT) was similarly intellectually demanding to my current one, but physically and emotionally easier. I'd quantify it as easier overall.

 

 

I disagree with that completely.  I have found motherhood to be hard period no matter if I was a SAHM, WAHM, or now a WOHM.  If I was a lazy/bad parent and/or teacher I would actually find it much eaiser because nothing would matter one way or the other.  THe thing that being a SAHM made easier was housework, and getting more sleep, still never enough, but more.  But being a SAHM had major issues too, mainly financial which made it more difficult since there was not enough money to cover everything which makes it pretty hard to feel it is easy when you are struggling to buy food etc. 

 

I agree. Finding it easier or hard doesn't say anything about your qualities as a parent. It could be easy because being a SAHM involves eating bon-bons on the couch while the kids are at school and the maid cleans the house, or it could be easy because you're someone who finds everything related to child-rearing and homemaking incredibly fun and fulfilling and is doing a bang-up job. It could be hard because you truly have a lot on your plate and it would be demanding by anyone's estimation, or it could be hard because you're horribly depressed and struggling through the bare minimum.

 

Personally, I tend to fall into that last category. When I find it easier, I'm probably more involved with the kids and getting more done. When I find it harder, chances are I'm not doing that fabulous a job. But the opposite might be true of someone else.

 

 

yup.  ANd I work outside the home and the kids stay home alone.  My teens watch the youngers, there is no other person supervising them beyond phone call check ins from gramma or myself from work. SOmetimes I leave the older ones at the library or teen drop in center and take youngest with me, but again that is not having someone else being delegated the responsibility over them any more than claiming the martial arts instructor is being given that roll.  AND as a working and homeschooling mom I don't even hand over the education to someone else while I work.  I am still 100% the one the buck stops at even when I am working outside the home, no one else shoulders that.  Just like no one else did when I was home fulltime.

 

 

Yes, the assumption that working outside the home = handing the raising of your child over to a stranger is bothering me. I work full time. For me, this is 3 12-hour shifts (so I'm home during waking hours more often than not). When I'm not there, either DH (who I wouldn't really call a SAHD since he's out a lot) or our housemate (who has been heavily involved with the kids since my youngest was born) is watching them. They are homeschooled, and I'm primarily responsible for that despite being the one who works full time outside the home, with DH doing the rest - a similar split to many families where the father works outside the home.

 

There are plenty of WOH situations where the child is not being placed in daycare for any significant length of time. And perhaps, on this board with it's homeschooling focus, it is charitable to assume that working parents may have some such arrangement.

[MarinesWife]

SAHM was the easiest

 

Next was working mom

 

Homeschool mom is the hardest.

 

They were all different and came with different challenges, but I still think about all the "me" time I had when they were in school/ babies.

[NicAnn]

I don't think those that find it har are doing anything wrong. For me, I'm just the type that enjoys it and I'm usual upbeat and positive. That's just how it is.

[susankenny]

Being an excellent SAHM is hard work.

Not everyone who is a SAHM chooses to be excellent.

What does that even mean??

 

If one doesn't find motherhood extremely difficult they must be a bad mom??

 

I don't think so!

[Barb_]

You know, several people have commented on the tedium and lack of intellectual stimulation involved in parenting. And that's something I just don't get. As I said, I worked as an editor and tech writer for about 10 years, per-kids, and I found those jobs bored me literally to tears many days. I used to fall asleep at my desk out of a sheer lack of will to remain awake. For several of those years, I suffered from insomnia, in large part because I knew that going to sleep would only mean waking up in the morning and going back to the office.

 

On the other hand, being "at home" with my kids, teaching them and parenting them (at least the way I've done it) requires me to be "on" pretty much all the time. There is great variety of task, and I'm called on to use my brain and think creatively in ways no job has ever required of me.

 

So, in my case, working was "easier," but I also hated it. At home, homeschooling mom is the most challenging "job" I've ever had -- and it hasn't gotten a lot easier with teens -- but I also know in my heart it's important and worthy of my energy. So, when I say it's "hard," I'm not complaining, just acknowledging the facts of how this is for me. I would much rather be here than in an office, but, yeah, working was a whole lot less demanding.

 

And I completely agree with the part of your quote that I bolded. I never cease to be amazed at how sure some people can be that they have "the answer" and that their own experiences are more valid or true than those of others.

Responding to your question about the tedium of parenting, I think it comes with the territory when you're still parenting small children. Small kids take a lot of physical work, training and repetition. Large kids take more mental energy, it's true. Now that my youngest is five, I finally feel for even hours at a stretch that I'm getting my head above water and can breathe. I don't regret the actual humans who live in my house, but objectively my mental health would be better off if we had stopped at five kids.

[fraidycat]

Physically hard work? No.

 

Mentally and emotionally draining. Absolutely! In my life circumstances, anyway. I like to believe that my "job" as a SAHM would be a lot easier if I were nearer my family and DH was home more than he is away. However, I'm 2000ish miles away from my "support network" (my friends all have their own kids they need a break from!) and DH is gone a lot, and works long hours even when he's home. So this parenting gig is all me pretty much 24/7. No weekends, holidays, or Christmas bonuses. :)

 

I am not a saint. I do lose my temper. I do get selfish when there is nothing left of me to give. So, yes it's hard work. For me.

[Janie Grace]

As the OP, I just wanted to clarify that I was asking if you personally find motherhood challenging. I'm not sure about the distinction between "hard" and "hard work" that SKL makes upthread… I guess either one. But I was *not* asking whether being a SAHM is generally harder or easier than being a working mom, which is an impossible question with no answer. I agree that it's a bit insulting to say that "____ is easy" as if those who find it hard are flawed somehow. There are so many factors that come into play (number of children, disabilities, your temperament, their temperaments, income level, how many you are schooling, etc).

 

I was interested in your personal experience of motherhood and how you would summarize it, not a blanket statement. 

[SKL]

Hmm, challenging and hard are not the same thing to me.

 

For me, if it isn't challenging it isn't worth doing.

 

PS, I did not answer the poll, because the choices were "easy" and "challenging," but the title asked if it was "hard work."  Of course it is challenging, but mostly in a good way (for me).

[Soror]

Why must we put down SAHM to build up WOHM? It isn't an either or situation. Both can be hard or easier.  I also don't understand why saying doing an excellent job is hard.  I think mothering and schooling is the same as anything else there is a varying amount of effort and work one can do.  Not everyone does the job equally.  

[Orthodox6]

Why must we put down SAHM to build up WOHM? It isn't an either or situation. Both can be hard or easier.  I also don't understand why saying doing an excellent job is hard.  I think mothering and schooling is the same as anything else there is a varying amount of effort and work one can do.  Not everyone does the job equally.  

 

Mommy Wars will go on forever.  It is fed by media attention and by insecure women.  Mothers should just shrug it all off and go on being good mothers in whatever be their personal situation.