Forgiveness

[Farrar]

I'm getting pressure from family to forgive someone - another family member - who has been pretty objectively awful to me in the past (except for possibly the person in question, family who saw this agree).  This person has since gotten his life more together than before (though it's perhaps up for debate whether it's really a finished thing...  though whose life is really finished being "together"...) and family feel that I need to let go of everything that happened in the past.  But I'm finding it hard.  There were threats made and property destroyed.  This person has often been harsh to me because he was hurting and was using drugs but has never apologized for anything.  I feel the relationship hasn't had any give and take ever - or at least not for many years.  And a relationship without give and take isn't a relationship - it's a one way street.  I can believe the person may be sorry (others say he is) but he's never reached out or asked for my forgiveness.

 

At the same time, I don't like carrying around this.  I don't like being accused by family of being "equally in the wrong" for not reaching out.  I do wish this person well and would like nothing more than to be reconciled.  I feel like it's very hard to truly let things go when there's no contact.  But I also fear if I reach out that there won't be any apology or recognition of bad behavior.  While some people say he is deeply sorry, I also hear that he badmouths me still sometimes.  And I don't know if I can move on without that recognition of bad behavior.

 

Dh thinks that I shouldn't contact him.  He feels this person was violent and scary and shouldn't be allowed in our lives until he can reach out to us and show that he changed.  Dh is a recovering alcoholic and this perspective comes - for him and me - from that experience.  But dh isn't the one who has to carry around the weight and sadness of having lost a close family member.

 

Not sure what advice I want to hear...  Is it better to let it go?  How do I do that?  Or would it just be enabling?  Can I not reach out unless I'm willing to do it without hearing an acknowledgement that he did wrong?  Or is that just allowing the relationship to be a one way thing again where I'm a doormat and have to accept anything he says or does, no matter how out there?

[MeghanL]

I'm sorry you are experiencing so much pressure to let go of things your not ready to let go of. Why is there this pressure? Are your feelings toward this person making it impossible to get the whole family together (ie. if they are there you will not attend)? I think it would help to know what the end goal is of the people asking this so we can better determine what advice to give.

[bolt.]

It sounds like you have already forgiven him (theologically) and are simply making the practical decisions around what kind of relationship is suitable with the person, at what pace, and with which boundaries.

 

Think about what you need to be comfortable -- and if it is reasonable (it seems to be) then see about finding a way to first get those things going on... Before (possibly) moving into a boundaried relationship.

 

Think about it like a flow chart, with your next steps based on the responses you get to earlier steps.

 

Do not embrace family pressure. Use wisdom and logic, and do what truly seems best.

[Farrar]

I don't think there's an end goal specifically except a desire for family to all make nice and be family.  I suppose it might prevent some gatherings, but not really.

[Belacqua]

It sounds as if the rest of the family is pressuring you to make peace because that will make it more convenient for them. Discord is uncomfortable, asking the perp (for lack of making much effort to find a better word) to offer a sincere apology is unlikely to yield positive results, so they pile the guilt on you. You're equally at fault? For not rolling over and accepting a non-apology and continued badmouthing after a pretty egregious offense? 

 

It would seem that you made the right decision for yourself and your family when you cut off contact. You sound perfectly open to the possibility of change and reconciliation, but that has to come from the person who caused the problem, not just the victim. And not just to make life more pleasant for everybody else.

 

So I'm with your husband. I'm truly sorry this is hurting you, but I don't think letting it go is in your best interests.

[jewellsmommy]

Forgiveness is for you really. It can't be about someone else. Forgiving means that you aren't going to waste any more mental or emotional energy on what has happened with this person. It  does not mean that you have let this person back in your life. Forgiveness and reconciliation go together usually, but are not the same thing.

 

Is your family wanting you to forgive or to reconcile with this person and re-establish a relationship?

[trulycrabby]

I agree with the others; don't let family convince you to stuff your feelings for convenience purposes. Make peace only if and when you are ready, and it's okay if that time is never, especially since he seems unlikely to apologize or take responsibility for the things he has done.

[Farrar]

It sounds as if the rest of the family is pressuring you to make peace because that will make it more convenient for them. Discord is uncomfortable, asking the perp (for lack of making much effort to find a better word) to offer a sincere apology is unlikely to yield positive results, so they pile the guilt on you. You're equally at fault? For not rolling over and accepting a non-apology and continued badmouthing after a pretty egregious offense? 

 

Yeah, this is how it feels to me when I'm being especially cynical, which, unfortunately, is most of the time.  They can't really control him at all and considering the past are probably scared to even try without provoking his temper, but I'm the "nice" one so why don't I make nice?  The darkest part of me says he actually wants this and is playing everyone against each other.  He's never had a full reconciliation with everyone and in the past has done that.  Now I just happen to be the scapegoat.

 

But another part of me says that's the "easy" way out.  Part of me feels like the relationship might be worth the risk.  But every time I try to tell myself that, I get angry.  :(

[LucyStoner]

I've been there, to the extent of needing a restraining order to protect my family and needing to freeze my credit. I waited for them (married couple) to reach out, which they did following the death of my mother. I got an apology from one and the other not so much. He's a broken person. I love him but we will never be super close. They aren't perfect but they are in a more stable place and for the sake of their kids and mine, I have allowed a relationship to redevelop.

 

I forgave them long before they ever contacted me though. Forgiveness doesn't mean continuing to expose yourself to the problems, it means letting of the anger.

[Farrar]

Forgiveness is for you really. It can't be about someone else. Forgiving means that you aren't going to waste any more mental or emotional energy on what has happened with this person. It  does not mean that you have let this person back in your life. Forgiveness and reconciliation go together usually, but are not the same thing.

 

Is your family wanting you to forgive or to reconcile with this person and re-establish a relationship?

 

I like this.  I totally agree.  I guess I question if I've really forgiven and let go if I'm not open to reconciliation on whatever terms.  And if I suffer the loss of a relationship with a close family member and could do something about it, then there is a sense of baggage there that feels very similar to me to carrying around anger without forgiveness.

 

It would be so much easier if this person would ask for my forgiveness.  I want so much to give it.  But without that request, it feels like this person isn't a safe person to have in my life.

[Amy in NH]

 

Dh thinks that I shouldn't contact him.  He feels this person was violent and scary and shouldn't be allowed in our lives until he can reach out to us and show that he changed.  Dh is a recovering alcoholic and this perspective comes - for him and me - from that experience.  But dh isn't the one who has to carry around the weight and sadness of having lost a close family member.

 

 

 

I agree with your DH.  Don't give that person the opportunity to hurt you again, and maybe your family too.  If he's not ready to reach out to you himself, own his past behavior, and apologize openly, then he hasn't changed enough to let him into your life again.

[zoobie]

I don't think forgiveness and re-establishing a relationship have to co-exist. You can forgive someone and still set a boundary that keeps them out of your life. The person pressuring you is wrong, and you should tell them to stop.

 

DH decided to end his relationship with his parents, which many people did not understand or support. His mother has borderline personality disorder and is never going to change. He could keep getting hurt in new and exciting manipulations and false allegations, or he could walk away. He's had to mourn the loss of a real parental relationship. Of course he wishes he had parents, but the choice between an abusive relationship and no relationship was clear to him. I think he has forgiven them in that he doesn't waste mental energy on them, but he still mourns the loss of the feeling of family. He talked to someone at a few points, including when everything came to a head. Do you think a professional could help you work through your feelings? I'm sorry for your struggle. :grouphug:

[Joanne]

Dh thinks that I shouldn't contact him.  He feels this person was violent and scary and shouldn't be allowed in our lives until he can reach out to us and show that he changed.  Dh is a recovering alcoholic and this perspective comes - for him and me - from that experience.  But dh isn't the one who has to carry around the weight and sadness of having lost a close family member.

 

 

 

As a recovering person myself, I agree with your DH. I suggest you do the work to get past the impact this family member has had on YOU. (One reason I heavily recommend Al Anon for family members - because it is not about the addict/alcoholic but about the Al Anon person getting well.

 

Which brings me to the "pressure" you wrote about. My guess is that such pressure is the result of dysfunction that hides and responds poorly to addiction rather than a healthy, genuine response to a transformed life.

*Healthy* people would allow you to be where you are with it.

 

 

[gardenmom5]

I see two things here.

 

His growth (or not) and taking responsibility for his actions AND your forgiveness are two completely different subjects.

If he has truly grown and is taking responsibility for his past bad choices, he’d be coming to you to seek your forgiveness.  He isn’t.  maybe he will in the future, and maybe he won’t.

I reached the point of realization, my abusive grandmother could crawl on hands and feet and beg my forgiveness – and it wouldn’t make a difference.  The damage was done, and she could beg for forgiveness and it wouldn’t change a thing because it wouldn’t change anything.  I had to forgive her – for me.

Your forgiving his actions is completely separate from him, and is more about you than him.   Forgiveness is letting go of all the hurt so it doesn’t eat at us anymore. (that includes forgiving the family who want you to just sweep everything under the rug because it’s inconvenient to THEM.  Next time one of them tells you how sorry he is and you should reach out – ask why he isn’t telling you that himself?) 

Our forgiveness is not necessarily absolution.  E.g. it’s possible to forgive an abuser, while making sure you (or children in your care)  are never in that abuser’s power ever again.  (it’s also doing them a favor by not giving them an opportunity to be abusive.)  prior to her death – I had very strict limits on any contact my grandmother had with me or my children.

Forgiveness is a process and everyone has to get there their own way.  Some days my progress was miniscule.  Some days I “put it on a shelf†and didn’t think about it.  Some days I made a jump. (learning about mother’s with narcisstic personality disorder.)

It sounds more like those pressuring you want everything to be peachy keen and hunk dory because they think it’s prettier than reality.

[zoobie]

I like this. I totally agree. I guess I question if I've really forgiven and let go if I'm not open to reconciliation on whatever terms. And if I suffer the loss of a relationship with a close family member and could do something about it, then there is a sense of baggage there that feels very similar to me to carrying around anger without forgiveness.

 

It would be so much easier if this person would ask for my forgiveness. I want so much to give it. But without that request, it feels like this person isn't a safe person to have in my life.

Forgiveness is separate. Totally separate.

 

Though I do think you can forgive someone and let go, which takes the power away from the other person. He should still apologize, but your life doesn't have to be held hostage waiting for that.

 

Do you truly believe the person has changed? Has he sought treatment and apologized? Or does reconciliation = you taking his crap and smiling through it? That's what reconciliation would've been for my DH, and it was what his grandparents and other family expected of him.

 

Your DH's strong feelings and judgment of the person should be taken seriously. He doesn't have the ideal in his head. (Assuming here he's a good guy and doesn't have ulterior motives for keeping you away from the family member, of course!)

[Farrar]

Thanks, guys.  Yeah. I think that's how I see it in my gut.  Dh and I have talked about how we feel that there's so much dysfunction in the family about this person.  He is currently facing some legal charges that many family members are "sure" he "couldn't have done" but I'm really not so sure and have gotten a lot of grief around that.  My family doesn't have many addicts - when I married dh it was the first time I had any experience of this.  But this person is the exception and I feel like the work that I did with dh is coloring my view of this - though potentially for the better.

 

But after an angry conversation with my mother (we are usually very close and she's a great person...) I was just so bereaved about this.  I want it to end.  It's hard to find closure and let go when the relationship can't be healed.

[zoobie]

Thanks, guys. Yeah. I think that's how I see it in my gut. Dh and I have talked about how we feel that there's so much dysfunction in the family about this person. He is currently facing some legal charges that many family members are "sure" he "couldn't have done" but I'm really not so sure and have gotten a lot of grief around that. My family doesn't have many addicts - when I married dh it was the first time I had any experience of this. But this person is the exception and I feel like the work that I did with dh is coloring my view of this - though potentially for the better.

 

But after an angry conversation with my mother (we are usually very close and she's a great person...) I was just so bereaved about this. I want it to end. It's hard to find closure and let go when the relationship can't be healed.

She's probably angry at the person and at the situation but can only rail at you. I'm sorry she's taking it out on you. You could (gently) point that out to her: mom, are you really angry at me here? I have not done anything wrong and feel I am being blamed for someone else's bad behavior.

 

More :grouphug:

[ErinE]

I don't think forgiveness and re-establishing a relationship have to co-exist. You can forgive someone and still set a boundary that keeps them out of your life. The person pressuring you is wrong, and you should tell them to stop.

I think this is absolutely right.

 

I'm so sorry you are forced to struggle with this dilemma. Reconciliation should be on your terms, should you so choose. Just because you're "nice" doesn't mean you're a pushover.

[gardenmom5]

  My family doesn't have many addicts - when I married dh it was the first time I had any experience of this.  But this person is the exception and I feel like the work that I did with dh is coloring my view of this - though potentially for the better.

are you sure?  go back a generation or two.  any alcoholics?

both of my maternal great-grandfather's were alcoholics, as were several of my grandfather's brothers. (my grandmother had no brothers, but they likely would have been alcoholics had she had any.)  my grandmother forbade grandfather from drinking because of it.  (he got a bottle of apricot brandy for Christmas and he made it last about five months.) 

even though the alcoholics in my family are removed a couple generations - the dysfunction alcoholism causes persisted.

I ask because some of the behaviors you are describing in your own family - are very familiar of the alcoholic dysfunction in my mother's family.

[ErinE]

But after an angry conversation with my mother (we are usually very close and she's a great person...) I was just so bereaved about this. I want it to end. It's hard to find closure and let go when the relationship can't be healed.

I'm so sorry.

[SKL]

You can let it go (forgive) and still not choose to be a part of that person's life.  To me those are two different, independent choices.  Personally I would probably not take any steps toward him, but let him come to me if he desired to do so.  At family gatherings I'd treat him like an in-law with whom I'm not well acquainted.  Probably (not knowing more).

[Trish]

"I've forgiven him in my heart for what happened in the past. That doesn't mean I have to have a current or future relationship with him if I don't want to, or feel it would be healthy for me."

 

"I'm afraid I'll lose my forgiving heart if we start interacting again. Let's just leave things at the forgiveness stage."

 

"I'll let you know if this becomes any of your business."

[Farrar]

are you sure? go back a generation or two. any alcoholics?

both of my maternal great-grandfather's were alcoholics, as were several of my grandfather's brothers. (my grandmother had no brothers, but they likely would have been alcoholics had she had any.) my grandmother forbade grandfather from drinking because of it. (he got a bottle of apricot brandy for Christmas and he made it last about five months.)

even though the alcoholics in my family are removed a couple generations - the dysfunction alcoholism causes persisted.

I ask because some of the behaviors you are describing in your own family - are very familiar of the alcoholic dysfunction in my mother's family.

Yes, I'm pretty sure. Definitely none of my grandparents or great-grandparents anyway. My fathers family is huge, so there are some distant relatives who I never really knew. I think when someone you love and want to support falls into addiction, the reactive pattern is all to easy to fall into as well. I think actually the fact that they have less experience with addicts has made it harder for them to recognize. My family is actually mostly very functional and great.

[Murphy101]

I think you should listen to your husband and not to family basing their POV on stuff they didn't deal with and see for themselves.

 

That aside, there is a huge difference between forgiveness and trust.

 

It's okay to come to place within yourself where you forgive them and honestly hope they are in fact getting their life together and living better, kinder lives.

 

You can feel that way without also sacrificing yourself or reaching your hand out giving them another chance to bite you.

 

It is not an either or and anyone who tells you otherwise needs to be told to knock it off and deal with their own problems.

 

I hate drama. I mean really really hate drama. I forgive. Really. I don't have the slightest bad thoughts about or against those people in my past. But no, I have no desire to open the door to relive it or perpetuate it either. If they are truly doing better? I'm truly glad for them. If they aren't? I have no desire to witness the further destruction they wreck about themselves and others around them.

[Joanne]

Thanks, guys.  Yeah. I think that's how I see it in my gut.  Dh and I have talked about how we feel that there's so much dysfunction in the family about this person.  He is currently facing some legal charges that many family members are "sure" he "couldn't have done" but I'm really not so sure and have gotten a lot of grief around that.  My family doesn't have many addicts - when I married dh it was the first time I had any experience of this.  But this person is the exception and I feel like the work that I did with dh is coloring my view of this - though potentially for the better.

 

But after an angry conversation with my mother (we are usually very close and she's a great person...) I was just so bereaved about this.  I want it to end.  It's hard to find closure and let go when the relationship can't be healed.

 

 

A program of recovery, particularly a 12 step one, will inform the man's relationships with others. With healthy counsel and accountability, he will learn that "there may be some wrongs he can't make right" and some relationships will never be restored. Unfortatunately, given the context of what you've shared, I don't think he's even "that" far invested in actual recovery - but I'd LOVE to be wrong.

 

Mom needs Al Anon. Badly.

[QueenCat]

:grouphug: Farrar :grouphug: ,

Listen to your heart.

[Farrar]

A program of recovery, particularly a 12 step one, will inform the man's relationships with others. With healthy counsel and accountability, he will learn that "there may be some wrongs he can't make right" and some relationships will never be restored. Unfortatunately, given the context of what you've shared, I don't think he's even "that" far invested in actual recovery - but I'd LOVE to be wrong.

 

Mom needs Al Anon. Badly.

 

Yes, that's exactly how dh and I see it - that he has "stopped" drinking sort of and has it "under control" - except that this is the exact way that people go for a little while getting better and then when things get pretty good, the fact that they never fully owned the addiction allows them to slip right back in - to say to themselves that it was never really a problem because they supposedly overcame it without really owning it means that they can safely go back to drinking or using.

 

I'd like to be wrong.  :(  And really, I hope I am wrong.  The place where I've been for the last year as he's been getting his life together has been basically thinking that I hope I'm wrong and he is going to really get it together this time long term but that I can't be involved unless he owns his past behavior.  Honestly, I don't need a huge detailed apology.  A simple, I screwed up, can we start over, would be enough because it would be such a huge shift.  But as things have continued to be "good" for him, the pressure has upped from family who assume it will always be good and the past should be swept under the rug.

 

I dunno, maybe in a few years, if things continue to be good, then I will feel a different level of trust and safety.  Sigh.  I just want to populate this whole thread with :( :( :(

[Catwoman]

I agree with your dh.

 

I'm sorry your family is pressuring you about this. They are way out of line. This is your decision and yours alone, and no one should be telling you how you should feel or what you should do.

 

:grouphug:

[Liz CA]

You have put your finger on the pivotal point. You feel burdened by not forgiving him. You can embark on the process of forgiveness - it usually takes some time, a continued effort to let go of the "injuries" he inflicted, most importantly of the feeling that you are justified in feeling resentful. You will probably feel better once you take care of this on your end, HOWEVER it does not mean you have to invite him into your home, let him continue to mistreat you or pretend none of this ever happened. You can say to him - if you see him - "I have chosen to forgive you but it may take some doing on your part to convince me that I can trust you with more than a smile and a handshake."

[PrincessMommy]

It sounds like you have already forgiven him (theologically) and are simply making the practical decisions around what kind of relationship is suitable with the person, at what pace, and with which boundaries.

 

Think about what you need to be comfortable -- and if it is reasonable (it seems to be) then see about finding a way to first get those things going on... Before (possibly) moving into a boundaried relationship.

 

Think about it like a flow chart, with your next steps based on the responses you get to earlier steps.

 

Do not embrace family pressure. Use wisdom and logic, and do what truly seems best.

 

This is what I was thinking too.   Perhaps your family confuses forgiveness with contact with the person.  I know my family assumes that if you forgive that means you allow that person back in your life as if nothing really happened. (of course in my family it's often all my fault anyway - but that's another issue.).  I don't think that's forgiveness.  If you hope that person well and if you could pray for their well being (if you're a praying person), then in terms of a more traditional religious understanding of forgiveness you've done it.  At least that is what I'm taught as a Christian.  That's doesn't mean you let an unrepentant and formerly violent person back in your life. 

[Harriet Vane]

I agree with your dh.

 

Stand your ground.

 

It sounds to me like you have forgiven as far as you reasonably can. You do not wish him harm.

 

The piece that is missing is reconciliation. The piece your mother wants is for wrongs to be forgotten and for everyone to be happy together at the holidays. That is not realistic or wise at this stage.

 

Reconciliation can only happen if HE approaches you with a heartfelt, "I'm sorry." And it can only truly happen if he earns trust. You have every reason to distrust, and it is only appropriate for trust to be earned. Pretending that all is okay at Christmas will not change the fact that reconciliation has not happened. The burden for restoring trust is on HIM at this point.

 

The other piece that no one is acknowledging is that you do not ever have to trust him again. Nor do you ever have to restore relationship privileges again. It IS completely possible to forgive someone within your own heart but to also choose not to continue in relationship. There can be peace between you without a close relationship.

[Cera]

From what you have described I would tell the person pushing for forgiveness that you are open to that but would need x, y and z for it to happen.  She can take that information to the other party and push him to do what he needs to if she really wants to but it would take the burden off of you.

[Danestress]

Thanks, guys.  Yeah. I think that's how I see it in my gut.  Dh and I have talked about how we feel that there's so much dysfunction in the family about this person.  He is currently facing some legal charges that many family members are "sure" he "couldn't have done" but I'm really not so sure and have gotten a lot of grief around that.  My family doesn't have many addicts - when I married dh it was the first time I had any experience of this.  But this person is the exception and I feel like the work that I did with dh is coloring my view of this - though potentially for the better.

 

But after an angry conversation with my mother (we are usually very close and she's a great person...) I was just so bereaved about this.  I want it to end.  It's hard to find closure and let go when the relationship can't be healed.

 

I am really close to my Mom too.  The problem with a Mom you are close to and who doesn't need a lot of training in "boundaries" (because normally she doesn't need them to be delineated clearly) is that occasionally there are times when you really do have set a boundary and it's hard and painful.

 

I personally think you need to tell your Mom.  "I love you, but I don't really need or want your advice on this.  Please don't bring it up again.  DH and I have it covered."  It really sounds like you are having far more "discussions" about this person and what you should or shouldn't than is necessary.  If you are ok in  yourself and your DH is in agreement, I think the discussing of this matter with other people, even family members you love, probably needs to end.  It's not decision, you have made it, and no one else needs to be part of that. 

[Corraleno]

It sounds like your mom, and other relatives, are continuing to enable this guy, and your refusal to join in the enabling feels threatening to them. They want to wipe the slate clean and pretend the past never happened, and you're getting in the way of that.

 

"Forgiveness" is a concept that I think is often used to guilt victims into letting abusers off the hook. It becomes the victim's responsibility to "fix" what happened, rather than the abuser's responsibility. That is the very definition of enabling. I'm sure that your mom, and the others who are claiming that he has changed, he "couldn't possibly have done" whatever crime he has been charged with, etc., also have nagging doubts that they are trying to suppress. In trying to convince you, they are also trying to convince themselves.

 

It's possible to let go of your own anger and hurt, for the sake of your own healing, without absolving him of guilt for what he's done, or trusting that he has really changed. You are NOT obligated to contribute to the family's enabling behavior by joining in their collective amnesia. That does not mean you are a bad, "unforgiving" person; it just means you are a realist with healthy boundaries and a good understanding of addictive and enabling behavior.

 

I'm sorry your family are putting you through this. :grouphug:

 

Jackie

[PrairieSong]

{{{Hugs}}} Other posters have shared some very good stuff! I agree that it's your decision to make about what kind of relationship you have or do not have with this family member. No one should be pressuring you, and that is a boundary I would very firmly establish.

 

It's so hard to have to cut ties with someone. I have a brother and sister-in-law who have cut themselves off from everyone in our family because of perceived hurts and game playing on their part. We tried to reach out for years but the passive aggressive behavior finally took its toll.

 

It's so tough. I'm sorry you're going through this, but it sounds like you and your husband already know the best thing to do for your own health and peace of mind. Tell the rest of your family that you've made your decision. They don't have to agree with you, but it's not up for debate.

[kewb]

If this family member were truly sorry they would reach out to you and attempt to make amends.  Since this family member is not doing that you are under no obligation to extend the olive branch.  There is almost nothing I hate more then being told you have to forgive someone because they are family.  No you don't.

 

I am going to assume that if there is a family function and this person is there that you would be civil so you can tell your family that there is nothing to worry about there on your part.  Then tell them you appreciate their concern but this matter is between you and the family member.  Set a firm boundry.

[Liz CA]

Yes, I'm pretty sure. Definitely none of my grandparents or great-grandparents anyway. My fathers family is huge, so there are some distant relatives who I never really knew. I think when someone you love and want to support falls into addiction, the reactive pattern is all to easy to fall into as well. I think actually the fact that they have less experience with addicts has made it harder for them to recognize. My family is actually mostly very functional and great.

 

I think it's common for Mothers and close family members to just want it to be over. "Please just forgive him and we can all move on" type of thinking. There is more work required though. As I already posted, I think you should forgive him and as Bolt posted - carefully define what your future relationship with him will look like. Enlist your dh who seems to have a lot of insight and cares about you, to help with the "defining relationship" process so you feel protected, yet able to interact with him.

[weddell]

I'm in an almost identical situation although there is only a little outside pressure to "forgive".  This person has done and said some awful things to a lot of people and I cut off contact. I guess I'm not angry anymore, but I would never even consider talking to this person without a sincere apology first. He would have to acknowledge the things he has done and that they are his fault (he likes to blame others for his actions). So I would agree with everyone else here, I wouldn't reach out. Actions have consequences. I wouldn't sweep things under the rug or allow a relationship to continue as though nothing has happened.

[Farrar]

Okay, end result.  We're going to send a holiday card to show the door is open if he should choose to take it.  Very little effort, not really direct, boundaries still very clear.

 

I'm hurt that this burden got placed on me because I'm really not at fault in any way, but I also do hope that it gets resolved.  I do hope he chooses to take the open door.  Sigh.

 

Thanks, guys.  I don't usually air much laundry on here.