How can I fall in love?

[MomOfOneFunOne]

AMDG

 

I'm Southern.  I'm a born and bred Southerner; I bleed the colors of my home state.  I love just about all parts of the South and understand the culture and can identify with the people and, even though I've been here for years now, I feel far more comfortable there than here.

 

My husband was born and raised here.  My daughter was born here, I c.a.n.n.o.t believe it, 14 years ago.  She feels that this is home.  The are both very happy here.  My husband loves his job; my daughter loves her world.  

 

Since the very first day here, I have been harboring hope that we would move back home.  However, my husband loves his job more and more everyday and my daughter loves the way her high school years are unfolding before her.  She is involved in activities she loves and has friends she feels she could never leave.  And that aside, where ever the work is we'll stay and this is where my husband's kind of work is.  

 

So, we're not going anywhere.

 

And it's time for me to accept this fact and do something about my attitude.

 

I have always considered this a transition house never thinking I would live here for very long.  So, one thing for me to start with is deciding that this is my permanent home.  I like the house and location just fine, there is nothing wrong, really.  I just never bothered to  . . . I don't know . . . make it mine.  Our stuff is definitely in it but, there are still no  . . . gosh, I don't know.  I know I need to do that and will.

 

Then there is the city.  It is a nice city by all (most) accounts.  It is better than many I've visited and worse than some but over all quite nice.  There are plenty of cultural attractions and offerings for a homeschool family.  There aren't many Catholics here but we are very happy in our church and feel nourished that way.  

 

It's just different here.  People, for the most part, behave differently here.  They speak differently and have different attitudes toward things.  Still, they're people and I know many nice ones even if I don't understand them.

 

So why can't I love it here?  How do I fall in love with my city and feel happy to be here?  

 

and I'm not miserable or anything . . . I just want to go home. but can't.

[Guest inoubliable]

I suggest you find a therapist.

[Dandelion]

I think you hit the nail on the head when you said "So, one thing for me to start with is deciding that this is my permanent home."

 

Your attitude and perspective is everything in this situation. You can't fall in love with where you live, if your heart and mind are dead set against that happening. ;)

 

Next, if you can't go back to the South, look for ways to bring the South to you. Are there any groups or organizations in your area that have a Southern flavor? If not, would you be open to starting one up? In my town, there are several groups for transplants to the area (a group for East Coast transplants, a group for German expats, etc.). There's no reason you can't start up a group for "Southern transplants". It can be as simple as putting signs up on bulletin boards at coffee shops, the grocery store, church, etc. inviting people to join you for coffee once a month to connect with other transplants from the South. Meetup (www.meetup.com) is a great resource for that as well (I've been promoting Meetup so much on this board lately, they should pay me - but it's really a great way to connect with others in your community). :)

 

I would look for ways to bring more of what you love about the South into your daily life, whether it's connections with other Southerners or just traditions that make you feel more at home.

[MomOfOneFunOne]

AMDG

 

Wow, Julie, thank you, those are helpful ideas!  

 

I actually do know of a several groups like that!  Not for Southerners but the very same idea, anyway, but I never even thought of looking for one for me.  

 

You are definitely right about incorporating more Southern in our daily rituals and traditions.  I'll forbear from planing kudzu, tho.

 

Thanks, you!

[Catwoman]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

Sorry you're not feeling quite at home where you live. I'm sure it's very difficult for you. :(

[Rosie_0801]

Lots of people have two different types of home, one where they are living and one where their soul belongs. The Australian Aborigines have their country and that is their country no matter where they live. I have a white chick version of that, though "my country" changed over time. I was born down near the beach, moved away when I was three but that area didn't stop feeling like my country until I was in my early 20's. In my early 30's, I moved back down there and it wasn't home any more.

 

That probably doesn't help, but maybe it is another way of looking at it.

[Ipsey]

I felt much the same way while living in the South. :D

I couldn't wait to leave. I've been so happy finally leaving, but now I may have to go back. I dread it. It makes me sick to think on it.

I feel for you, wanting to make the best of it and trying to make it a place you love to be. I think Julie's suggestions were great. 

I also just accept the fact that maybe I will never truly be happy with where I'm living, but will just have to love and be loved by the people I have around me. That helps.

[Audrey]

I hear you.  I'm from the South as well.  I do, however, love my home here in Canada.  I would advise against trying to replicate the South when you aren't in the South.  It really can't be replicated or 'brought over' because the whole feeling of Southern is in the people, and you can't transplant the whole region.

 

You are, however, always a Southern gal and that goes with you no matter where you are, no matter who you're with, no matter how long you're away.  Don't change who you are, just bring yourself into the moment you are in now, instead of pining for where you used to be.  If you haven't taken the time to make your home feel like YOU, then start doing that.  It may not be the magnolia-filled household of your distant memories, but it can be more true to you than it is now. 

[Ipsey]

I suggest you find a therapist.

 

For what reason? Because she can't love where she's living or that she's trying to do so?

I can't say I see an indication that this is a mental health issue. 

[JessReplanted]

I can relate - although I am a northerner who has lived in  TX for the past year. :eek:

 

It is hard to make your home in a place that doesn't feel like home.

[Guest inoubliable]

For what reason? Because she can't love where she's living or that she's trying to do so?

I can't say I see an indication that this is a mental health issue. 

 

Well, no. I didn't say it was a mental health issue exactly. I meant that talking it out with someone who could help sort out her feelings might be helpful. If I lived somewhere for a decade and a half and couldn't think of it as home, I'd probably want to talk to someone about my feelings and get some help in sorting them out. Especially if it looked like I was going to be living there for... forever?, and I needed some help in changing my attitude. 

[kroe1]

I am a Southerner who now lives in south Florida which is inhabited only by Yankees. I will always miss Southern people. I would not know how to quit longing for the Southern lifestyle. If you figure it out, let me know please.

[kbutton]

I miss home. I moved one state away (laterally, not even north and south), but it's an entirely different world, top to bottom. I don't know if we'll ever leave here. It's not hubby's home state either. I do appreciate the opportunities we have here that would never be available at home. My kids visit my hometown enough to appreciate the lifestyle and see a different perspective on life. I just wish I could find more people that don't think I'm weird for having trouble adapting to some things. I grew up in a small, completely walkable town, which was also the county seat in a rural county. Here, I can't walk anywhere useful. It's like living in a hamster wheel made of cul-de-sacs and neighborhoods to nowhere. Here I have almost as many red lights between me and the Kroger that's about 1.5 miles away than what my entire home town had. People think it's odd that I can't get used to spending my whole life at a red light, and they think I'm odd for hating the fact that exercising means I'm stuck going to the Y rather than walking to return a library book or pay a bill. Doing anything here requires more time dedicated to getting there, sitting at traffic lights, changing clothes, etc. than it takes to complete the actual activity I'm trying to accomplish. One would think folks could use a little imagination to realize that these lifestyle changes are not for the better! My parents just shake their heads--their work commutes were 5 and 10 minute walks before they retired. At least they see our productive time disappear from afar and offer soothing sounds of sympathy. :laugh: Anyway, I hope my little irritations give you a chuckle and let you know you are not alone. Unpack your bags, and best wishes finding things to enjoy where you are now.

[Shelly in IL]

Where are you from and where do you live now?

[Catwoman]

I am a Southerner who now lives in south Florida which is inhabited only by Yankees. I will always miss Southern people. I would not know how to quit longing for the Southern lifestyle. If you figure it out, let me know please.

Do they know you call them Yankees? Because if you're not talking about the baseball team, many people from the northern states are probably going to assume you're using that term in a derogatory way.

[Audrey]

Do they know you call them Yankees? Because if you're not talking about the baseball team, many people from the northern states are probably going to assume you're using that term in a derogatory way.

 

Sort of related but not.... yeah, when I lived in the South, "yankee" was not a term of endearment.  Here, all Americans are Yankees or Yanks.  It is not meant in a derogatory way at all.  It is simply a term indicating a place of origin. 

 

Took me a loooooooong time to get used to that! :laugh:

[unfrumpable.]

I am from S FL. I was born there and lived there until I was 31.

 

I remember once when I was a child going to school, one of my neighbors called me a Yankee because I was wearing shorts and a jacket. This was in West Palm Beach, it doesn't get real cold. I think that is the only time I remember anyone using that term and that was in the 70s.

 

There are a lot of tourists in the S FL area. A lot. To put it mildly. Permanent tourists as well as visiting ones. :)

 

I know how it feels to feel displaced though. I've been in TX for about a year and a half now and am having a really hard time considering it home. I miss FL (not S FL). Shoot, I even miss CA. I mean really, TX is the one state I've disliked for a very long time and here I am. lol What the heck.

[Incognito]

I hear you.  Making your house your own will help.  Finding one or two people who get you will help. 

 

I found for me that a big part of it was not feeling trapped anymore.  Even though things hadn't really changed, we went through a true evaluation of where we wanted to live and what we would do if we moved back to where I was from, and we together chose to stay where we were.  We made lists and really talked it through.  I also found some ways to contribute to the immediate community (for me it ended up being volunteering doing some work on a local park). 

 

I still have pangs at times, but I tell myself we might retire there. :) 

[Liz CA]

Not exactly the same...but I live in a place that gets so hot for months on end, I am pretty miserable. I burn the minute I stick my nose outside since I am of Scandinavia descent. We used to live 20 minutes from the Pacific, the average summer temps were F75-80, and I love the ocean. I dream of the ocean. There are countless pictures of ocean scenes in my house.

 

The chances of moving back there are pretty slim here too. I visit as often as I can. It gives me something to look forward to; coming home is hard sometimes when I just want to stay there...but it is still better than not going at all. Can you arrange regular visits? Would this make you happier or sadder? Finally, Incognito said something important IMHO: get engaged in your community. I volunteer, I take classes, I am busy. It helps me to help others. I don't think so much of myself because, really, I have a very good life just like you described yourself and your life - I just don't live 20 minutes from the ocean anymore.

[Truscifi]

When I first moved here I had a hard time adjusting to such a rural area. I had not planned to be here long, but when dh joined me here he started putting down roots, and eventually I realized we would likely not be moving any time soon if at all. I realized I needed to change my attitude, so I started looking for things that were good about this place that I wouldn't have if I lived in a city. It took a while, but now I like it here and am moving toward loving it.

[Ipsey]

Well, no. I didn't say it was a mental health issue exactly. I meant that talking it out with someone who could help sort out her feelings might be helpful. If I lived somewhere for a decade and a half and couldn't think of it as home, I'd probably want to talk to someone about my feelings and get some help in sorting them out. Especially if it looked like I was going to be living there for... forever?, and I needed some help in changing my attitude. 

 

Ah, I see. As quick a shot as it was, I thought you were slamming her. This explanation makes it clearer.

[DawnM]

Nothing really to say other than  :grouphug: .  I am in much the same boat.  I live in the South.  It is NOT home to me.  I kept thinking we would move back to the West Coast, but we have been here 8 years now and the kids feel that this is their home.  I still do not.  I have friends, I have activities, I have a great church.  But I don't feel at home.

 

Dawn

[Orthodox6]

I can understand your feelings -- although "in reverse."  I've a Yankee temperament, but have been stuck in the South, or the semi-South (Texas) for all of my life, apart from some travels.  Currently I live in the most boring city, in the ugliest terrain, and with the most abominably hot weather I ever have had to put up with.  This since 1995.

 

People.  It is the people in your life who make things work, and whose presence gives you day-to-day happiness.  Everywhere that I have lived, there have been extraordinarily fine people whose friendships have made life radiant. 

 

P.S.  Nothing wrong with calling someone a Yankee or a northerner.  UNLESS the intent is derogatory!  :001_smile:

[Heather in Neverland]

Interesting timing for me... I am having a similar crisis so I know what you mean.

 

We have been in Malaysia long enough now that we are transitioning out of "cool, cultural experience" and into "putting down roots and this is our life" phase. Now I am starting to panic because I love experiencing Malaysia but I am not so sure it is "home."

 

I actually have the option of leaving which, in some ways, makes it worse. If you are "stuck" somewhere then it is what it is, you just make the best of it. But if you have the choice of leaving or not leaving, then it comes down to "will I make the wrong choice?"

 

It's making me a little crazy right now.

 

I am from the south, too, so I know just what you are missing. I agree with Audrey. It is impossible to replicate. And I do love magnolias. Oh and crepe myrtle trees.

 

True story: I once bought crepe myrtle saplings and had them shipped to me in Michigan and tried DESPERATELY to get them to live (foolish, I know). I just missed them so much. I cried when the last one died.

[Chris in VA]

I can relate, too.

 

I don't feel I really have a home anywhere. There are barely any ties to the place I grew up, and it's all changed anyway, so that's out. Dh and I have lived too many other places to call them home. I have no ancestral home to speak of--no one close is there and there's no physical building since my gma passed, and her house wasn't that homey anyway since I grew up 500 miles away from it and only visited a few times a year as a child.

 

We've lived here 12 years, and I constantly feel stuck by the inability to afford any changes to the home we have --we live in a Rectory, and it is too big, with big rooms, not cozy at all. We chose to spend our money on things other than furniture, and it shows, as we sorely need some new/different things. There are parts of this area I love, and I am fairly comfortable here, but I know we won't retire in this area, as it's expensive. And of course, it won't be in this house. We have a house in another area of VA which I despise--I'd never live there and the house is a getaway for my husband but not in the least bit a home for me. It allows us to have a line of credit so we could pay for college expenses, and it's been a good investment, but it would require thousands of dollars of reno to be livable in retirement, and is too far away from everything to be a good fit. 

 

It's hard--I think you are wise to find ways to be home where you are. I wish I could. 

 

I guess home is a place you carry inside, so you can live anywhere. 

[Orthodox6]

Heather, I wish I could dig up and ship you all the crepe myrtle that grow here in overabundance!  I liked them in the beginning, but now am so tired of them -- probably because of their overuse. 

 

I do like magnolias.

[RoughCollie]

It's just different here.  People, for the most part, behave differently here.  They speak differently and have different attitudes toward things.  Still, they're people and I know many nice ones even if I don't understand them.

 

So why can't I love it here?  How do I fall in love with my city and feel happy to be here?  

 

and I'm not miserable or anything . . . I just want to go home. but can't.

 

This is how I felt when I lived in Boston for 20 years.  Yes, the entire time.

 

The problem wasn't Boston.  I loved it -- so much to do in New England.

 

BUT I hated the long, cold, snowy winters.  The main problem was the people.  I had friends, and they were great (and still are).  But they were so different.  The problem was that the culture is different and I never got used to it.  I used to think if we could just move Southern people up there, it would be a great place to live. 

 

The amazing thing was that when I go back home to Atlanta or Louisville, I feel relaxed, like I am actually home.  I am my former self again, not the person who is constantly trying to make the best of a situation I cannot get used to.  I'm like a fish out of water in Boston.

 

We have moved to western PA, and it is totally different here.  I  have my gripes -- none of the many wonderful things about Boston are available here, including an abundance of intellectual people.  But the people are different.  I can relax.  I can speak in my usual Southern accent without people thinking I'm a dummy.  I can talk to total strangers anywhere, and while it isn't like the South, it is somewhere in between culturally.  Also, not as much snow and not as long of a winter.

 

My advice to you is to find fun things to do where you live, and do them.  You are not going to change the culture of the place, but take full advantage of whatever is on offer.  If you are not having fun, you won't enjoy where you live, no matter where it is.

 

I think having fun is highly underrated.  I tell my kids to have fun as much as possible during their lives.  Fun is highly individual -- I have fun dissecting animals, hiking with my dog in the mountains, dancing to oldies in my kitchen, taking to a bunch of teenagers who didn't all come out of my womb, watching my birds, laughing at my dog, talking to my neighbor about how to not be a total Citiot.    Mind you, I live in a rural area ... most fun stuff falls under the heading "can't dance, and it's too wet to plow".

 

PS  If you are a Yankee, please don't get offended by my post.  If you were plunked down in the South, you'd likely have similar problems adjusting to the culture.  I know a lot of Yankees who live in the South, and their impression of it is way off base to a Southerner.  I think you have to be raised in a region to fully grok it, to be able to read between the lines, so to speak.  At least, that is true of the Yankees I know who live in Atlanta, and of my kids, who are all Yankees.

 

 

[Cammie]

Hmm, interesting to think about what is "home."  We moved to India 8 years ago.  VERY far from "home" in the traditional sense.  But right away we started making it ours.  We got our house, actually designed the kitchen so that it was a copy of the one I had in the US!  Made me happy to have that.  Then we worked on cultural things.  My kids really missed Halloween the first year - so for the last 7 years I have thrown a HUGE (150 kids) Halloween party with our neighborhood. I have convinced tons of people to keep candy at home so the kids can all go trick treating after the party.  It was new to lots of people - but it was important to us.  This is definitely home now and I have trouble even contemplating a move to the US.  You do what you have to do to make your life work in the place you are planted  - even if it is not the place you would have chosen!

[Trish]

Where are you now, and where were you?

 

I'm a Yankee is central Florida and feel surrounded mostly by northerners.

[Orthodox6]

Where are you now, and where were you?

 

I'm a Yankee is central Florida and feel surrounded mostly by northerners.

 

Possibly the group sometimes termed "snowbirds" ?

[Guest inoubliable]

Ah, I see. As quick a shot as it was, I thought you were slamming her. This explanation makes it clearer.

 

:( No. I wasn't. 

[indigomama]

I am struggling with the same thing. It is very hard to be away from "home", however, that is defined. I have been away for 8 years, but it will always be home.

 

The bummer for us is that home is sooooo very expensive, and DH has a fantastic job here. Otherwise, I would be gone.

[SailorMom]

We've lived away from "home" since 1999.  I've never really felt at home anywhere in all these years, but I've been able to be happy :) 

I do notice now that what I used to call home no longer really feels that way.  I am starting to feel as out of place there as I do all of the other places we've lived, lol.  Not sure why - I guess it's all changed so much there, and I - myself - have changed so much.  Maybe the change in myself is more noticeable when I go back?

Anyway - I sometimes wonder if I'll someday move somewhere that feels like home again....

[MomOfOneFunOne]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

Sorry you're not feeling quite at home where you live. I'm sure it's very difficult for you. :(

AMDG

 

Aaawww! You are always nice to me!  Thanks!

[Firefly]

What is AMDG?

 

I'm sorry you're having a hard time... I've lived in many places over the years and it didn't matter how long I stayed in a place, this (CT, where I am now) was and is always my home.  I could make a place "homey", but not truly feel like home.  So, no advice really, just know you are not alone!

[Little Nyssa]

Just one thought-- from a Northerner:  I've always appreciated the few Southerners who have come to live in the various Northern communities I've been part of.  They have a special enthusiasm, and friendliness, and a social nature, that I really like.  They light up a room!  

I wonder if you realize how much you are appreciated by the people around you, if they are like me?  

 

And I'm a Northerner who could be called cold and reserved by some...  When I lived in California I was never quite comfortable.  I missed the snow and the changing leaves, and the private way people are... for example when I went to visit Boston, I caught myself thinking, "I'm in Boston!  Thank goodness I do not have to smile or say hi to everybody passing by and I can just go about my business!!!"

[Little Nyssa]

Also, I meant to ask the OP: What was it that recently made you realize this is permanent?  Was it a change in the life around you, or a realization you came to, inside? I think I would look at that thought process to help me figure out where to go next in my thinking.

 

Also, your AMDG made me think:  (cc here)  You probably know about St Monica who had some of the same thoughts and realized,

"Nothing is far from God."  

I hope that does not seem like a pat or easy answer.  I know what is like to be faraway from home and have to make a great spiritual effort to find peace.  It's hard, but AMDG it will turn out very well.  :grouphug:

 

Oh dear this post sounds very preachy.  Not meant that way. FWIW.

[FriedClams]

I'm a Bostonian and I live in the Deep, Deep South. LOL! I moved here in 1994.

 

What helped for me was my husband losing his job. We had 2 babies and I had just gotten out of the military. We had savings. We had COBRA paid for. But we were broke. No job. No prospects. Babies. I was scared.

 

On the day he got laid off we purposed to grow stronger through the hard times, and give everything to God. We were believers before - but we really wanted to foow God not ask for His stamp on our plans. I had lived in LA (New Orleans), the FL panhandle, AL, and then we had a job interview in rural GA. I cried. I told my DH and God if that's where he wanted us, we would go and praise Him. God planted us in another pretty rural Southern state. My first day here I cried. But God is good and faithful. We've been here 10 years. It's not *home* but it is /home/. In the end, I don't care where I live as log as I know God put me there.

 

On a practical note - I'd practice contentment. Every day write three things you DO like. Don't repeat. Do it for a month, a season, a year. Find the joy. Date your town if you have to. Try new things. Get a travel book and b a local tourist. Eat at new places. Volunteer at Habitat - where you are a part of bulldog your community. I think if you look you'll find it.

[ThatHomeschoolDad]

Do they know you call them Yankees? Because if you're not talking about the baseball team, many people from the northern states are probably going to assume you're using that term in a derogatory way.

That's OK. I hear some still call it "the War of Northern Aggression."

 

Sorry....Yankee snark.

[ChiMomNP]

I relate. I'm in the Phoenix metro and am soooo unhappy. I didn't care for Chicago, but it felt more like home (Boston). I miss the cooler weather. I may even miss snow a little. I miss having a coal/wood stove. I miss being able to grow a garden relativeley easily. I miss the fall. I just loathe this heat. It is 91 degrees today...ugh. I am so sick and tired of the this seemingly neverending heat and these OUTRAGEOUS and INSANE electric bills. I'm living for November/December/January!

 

Vent over.

 

I hope you can a find a way to make your city home. 

[MomOfOneFunOne]

I hear you.  I'm from the South as well.  I do, however, love my home here in Canada.  I would advise against trying to replicate the South when you aren't in the South.  It really can't be replicated or 'brought over' because the whole feeling of Southern is in the people, and you can't transplant the whole region. 1

 

You are, however, always a Southern gal and that goes with you no matter where you are, no matter who you're with, no matter how long you're away.  Don't change who you are, just bring yourself into the moment you are in now, instead of pining for where you used to be.  If you haven't taken the time to make your home feel like YOU, then start doing that.  It may not be the magnolia-filled household of your distant memories, but it can be more true to you than it is now. 2

AMDG

 

1.  A truer word was never said!  

 

2. Yes, Audrey, you are right.  That is well said, to the point, and correct!

[fraidycat]

This is a timely thread for me. I too, miss home, all the time.

 

At the same time, I often wonder if I am depriving my children (military brats) of "roots".

 

This thread has me thinking that perhaps they are the lucky ones. Perhaps they will have an easier time of "blooming where they are planted" because they won't identify with any one place as "home", having lived in NC, MN, ND, southern CA, and rural Saskatchewan, Canada up to this point at 7 and 11 years old. I didn't even include AZ in that list because DD was too young to remember it at all when we left.

 

Hmmm, definitely something to ponder. Maybe all the moving as children will help them to be happier adults. One can hope anyway...

[AimeeM]

Do they know you call them Yankees? Because if you're not talking about the baseball team, many people from the northern states are probably going to assume you're using that term in a derogatory way.

 

My husband is from the outskirts of Philly and wears the Yankee badge with pride, while we live here in the south, lol.

[JessReplanted]

My husband is from the outskirts of Philly and wears the Yankee badge with pride, while we live here in the south, lol.

 

I wear it with pride too (I grew up in MA). If someone tried to hurt my feelings by calling me a Yank, I'd probably laugh.

[RoughCollie]

I missed the snow and the changing leaves, and the private way people are... for example when I went to visit Boston, I caught myself thinking, "I'm in Boston!  Thank goodness I do not have to smile or say hi to everybody passing by and I can just go about my business!!!"

 

Funny, when I went to Atlanta, I thought, "I'm in Atlanta!  Thank goodness I can smile and say hi to everybody and talk to them if I want to ... even if I've never seen them before in my life!"  :lol:

 

....................

 

FWIW, when I say "Yankee", I am referring to people who live in the northeastern US.  It is not a derogatory term.  There is one -  along the lines of "I was 25 years old before I knew that the d--- Yankee was 2 words".  It's a joke.  Kinda like UGA fans say, "I went to the GA Tech Library.  They had 2 books ... and one of them wasn't even colored in yet."  I did notice that no one makes jokes like that about Harvard and MIT.

 

Now, if I called you a "Shermanite", that would be a derogatory term.  But I won't, because I just made that up, and it sounds stupid.  The first time I went to the Boston Public Garden, I saw statues of Union soldiers.  I was shocked and surprised ... all the s-words.  That's not derogatory ... that's whatayacallit ... Southern genes.  I had no idea I cared, until that very moment.  I thought, OMg, I am prejudiced against Northerners and I didn't know it!

 

If I call you a Yankee fan, get wicked worried.

 

RC

American by birth, Southern by the grace of God