Luanne Posted July 11, 2013 Share Posted July 11, 2013 I'm somewhat interested in this guy ... I mentioned a few months ago that I was thinking about writing to him. We've been writing back and forth since early April. I went with my parents to a funeral on Monday and he was there. I had more of a chance to chat with him (in person this time) and he seems like a genuinly nice guy. I'm not used to nice guys. I have been married three times to abusive men. I've been single for 10 years now and this guy is the first guy who has interested me at all. He is 13 years older than I am. I am 48 and he is 61. I'd like to continue to get to know him and hopefully spend some more time with him in person. He lives about 100 miles from where I do. Is this unreasonable? Am I out of my mind? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Corraleno Posted July 11, 2013 Share Posted July 11, 2013 I'm 14 years older than DH, and we've been together for 20 years. :thumbup1: Before I met him, I had a long-term relationship with a guy who was 27 years older than me. If two people are really compatible, I don't think age matters at all. Jackie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snoopytwo Posted July 11, 2013 Share Posted July 11, 2013 I am 40 and DH is 55. Our age difference has never really been a factor in our relationship. What has been most important has been our common faith and family backgrounds. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
G5052 Posted July 11, 2013 Share Posted July 11, 2013 Certainly it can work. My only concern would be if he was getting ready to retire, and you aren't personally ready for that. A friend of mine who was in her 50's married a guy who was 68 and about to retire, and there ended up being a lot of friction over that because she loved her job and really didn't want to quit it without reaching retirement age. On the other hand, we have several friends who are doing fine with one retired and one not. If you marry someone older, you need to think through the meshing of stages of life. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pawz4me Posted July 11, 2013 Share Posted July 11, 2013 My dad was 13 years older than my mom. They'd been married for almost 45 years when my dad died. One of my best friends is 13 years younger than her DH. They've been married for 26 years now. I agree with the point about the retirement issue. My friend and her DH are relatively well off, so they jointly decided that she would quit her job when he retired. I think maybe they get on each others nerves a bit and she would prefer to get out of the house a lot more than he does, but overall it seems to work for them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Erin Posted July 11, 2013 Share Posted July 11, 2013 Three months. He's older. If you marry someone older, you need to think through the meshing of stages of life.when I was in my early 20s, in college, an older guy used to hang out at the convenience store I worked in. He knew DH and I were dating, but asked one day if we ever broke up if I'd go out with him. He was in his mid 30s.I said no, he was too old for me. And that was exactly why. He'd already been married once, had a kid, his first adult job was years ago, etc... Those are experiences I want to go through with my mate, not behind him. KWIM? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JuanitaL Posted July 11, 2013 Share Posted July 11, 2013 I'm somewhat interested in this guy ... I mentioned a few months ago that I was thinking about writing to him. We've been writing back and forth since early April. I went with my parents to a funeral on Monday and he was there. I had more of a chance to chat with him (in person this time) and he seems like a genuinly nice guy. I'm not used to nice guys. I have been married three times to abusive men. I've been single for 10 years now and this guy is the first guy who has interested me at all. He is 13 years older than I am. I am 48 and he is 61. I'd like to continue to get to know him and hopefully spend some more time with him in person. He lives about 100 miles from where I do. Is this unreasonable? Am I out of my mind? I don't think 100 miles is unreasonable at all. ;) I hope you both have cars that get good gas mileage, maybe there's a nice place mid-way that you can meet while you continue to get to know each other. A genuinely nice guy that you're interested in sounds like something worth pursuing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Luanne Posted July 11, 2013 Author Share Posted July 11, 2013 He is a semi-retired farmer. I am an umployed person who drives her daughter to and from work every day. We both have children in their early 20's and seem to be in the same place in our lives. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Luanne Posted July 11, 2013 Author Share Posted July 11, 2013 I figured it was probably ok. My parents are 75 and 77 so he isn't anywhere near their ages at least. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted July 11, 2013 Share Posted July 11, 2013 My dh is significantly older than I am, and we will celebrate our 20th anniversary this year. As far as I'm concerned, age isn't an issue if he's a nice guy. Go for it! :thumbup: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ajfries Posted July 11, 2013 Share Posted July 11, 2013 I think guys max out at 17 regardless. :lol: I've known lots of wonderful couples that had a large age gap. I wouldn't let that stop me. Go for it! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AimeeM Posted July 11, 2013 Share Posted July 11, 2013 My husband is 15 years my senior. I'm 28; he'll be 44 in August. Sure it can work. Far more important for us was that we discussed the big things from the get-go; that we shared the same faith, had compatible (but not necessarily identical) political views, agreed on children, discipline, gender and marital roles, etc. Not that you're looking to get married; we were. Lol. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crimson Wife Posted July 11, 2013 Share Posted July 11, 2013 I wouldn't blink an eye at 48 and 61 because they are both middle-aged (no offense!) Now 28 and 41 I would raise my eyebrow at a bit because you've got one young and the other middle-aged. But really, who cares? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HS Mom in NC Posted July 11, 2013 Share Posted July 11, 2013 My husband and I are 6 years apart. The real issue is whether you're at the same stage of life and if you're not, how will it affect you as individuals and as a couple? As long as you're going into it with all the issues considered then you'll be better able to answer for yourself if the age gap matters for you two as a couple in how you two want to live your lives should this relationship go long term. Typical Stages of Life for Adult Couples: no children yet-not planning on having any anytime soon no children but planning on having them soon minor children and having or considering having more minor children and not having anymore minor and adult children in the home adult children in the home (or adult children likely to return to the home-economic realities are not rosy these days) adult children living independently taking care of a dependent adults (usually in-laws and/or grandparents) and minor or adult children living in the home taking care of dependent adults with no minor or adult children in the home taking care of a dependent spouse/live in/ SO living out of your home being the dependent spouse your spouse/live in/SO living out of your home cares for adult children are caring for you and/or your spouse/live in/SO in a home setting adult children or a medical facility caring for you and/or your spouse/live in/SO other-in case I missed a few Here are questions I would suggest anyone with a significant age gap (more than 10 years) consider: Are both of you in the same stage of life? Are you both realistic about which stage of life you're currently in and how soon each of you is likely to move into the next stage of life? Do you both agree on how you want things handled for each stage each of you will be in? How will you plan finances and care taking for retirement, long term care of a chronic illness for when the oldest (and statistically most likely) enters that stage first? Have you ever seen up close the care taking involved for a dependent adult? If there are children in the home and you choose to marry/live together do you agree on how to handle those related issues? Finances are prioritized differently by people in each of those stages, so if you are or will be in different stages, can you two work it out in a way that is acceptable to both of you as individuals and as a couple? Lifestyle can be very different in each of those stages. Are each of you realistic about how each stage of life will affect each of you differently and as a couple? Parenting is very different at each of those stages. If you end up as one household, how will it affect parenting for each of you as individuals and as a couple? How much added support (helpful extended family members) do each of you have for the dependent adult stage? How many potentially dependent adult family members do you have on your side and his side that might affect you as individuals and a couple? Then there are things I would ask anyone in who has been in a series of abusive relationships (which I don't expect to be answered at an online forum) Have you had professional help in this area? Do you have a clear understanding of how and why you chose so many abusive people in the past? How have your discernment, thought process, decision making skills and plans changed since the last time? Do you truly, honestly know for sure that you absolutely deserve to be treated with love and respect? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JenC3 Posted July 11, 2013 Share Posted July 11, 2013 My dh is 4 yrs older. I was engaged to a man 9 yrs older and dated men 10, 12, and 17 years older. One was only 5 yrs younger than my parents, glad that didn't work out, AWKWARD. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dory Posted July 11, 2013 Share Posted July 11, 2013 There are 13 years between my dh and I. He being the oldest. My grandparents have 11 years between them and they have been married for 62 years. My best friends parents had 20 years between them and they were married for 40 years before he passed away. From what I've seen, the hardest phase of when there is an age gap, is when the one person is getting too old to handle things anymore, and the younger one is still healthy and wanting to get out and experience more of life. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
xixstar Posted July 11, 2013 Share Posted July 11, 2013 My gut, instant response... My husband is going to be 61 when I'm 48?!?!?!?! Really? (oh - fyi, dh is 12 years old than me) The actual numbers so don't matter in real life but sometimes on paper it does look funny. It is only this week*, 8 years into our relationship, that DH has ever felt older than me, but it's more based on health than age as he's been more sedentary with his work and I've been getting healthier. So no, I don't really think there is anything about 48/61 in reality that would matter. *this week being the first time we did a theme park as a family and 12 hours of fun, including lots of waterpark fun too, was apparently a lot of effort. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Luanne Posted July 11, 2013 Author Share Posted July 11, 2013 I wouldn't blink an eye at 48 and 61 because they are both middle-aged (no offense!) Now 28 and 41 I would raise my eyebrow at a bit because you've got one young and the other middle-aged. But really, who cares? No offense taken. I know I am middle aged. I have definitely slowed down some (ok ... quite a bit) in the last 3 years or so. He seems to be in pretty good health, but like me has slowed down from when he was younger. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JadeOrchidSong Posted July 11, 2013 Share Posted July 11, 2013 Dh is 8 years younger than I. We are married for 13 years now. People can't tell I am older. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Audrey Posted July 12, 2013 Share Posted July 12, 2013 I think as you get older, the age difference is less of an obstacle. Also, you said he was a nice guy. So, 13 years older or even 13 years younger -- why not? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LucyStoner Posted July 12, 2013 Share Posted July 12, 2013 When someone is 48, a 13 year age difference either way is no issue. A 13 year age difference is an issue only when the younger partner is too young- like college age or younger. My husband and I met the old fashioned way, in college and have been together ever since. We have a 13 month age difference. So no difference at all really. :laugh: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wheres Toto Posted July 12, 2013 Share Posted July 12, 2013 Dh is 13 years older than I am. He's also more energetic than I am the majority of the time. He does look older since he has white hair, white beard and his skin shows the signs of spending a lot of time in the sun. Meanwhile, I have very little gray, and always worked indoors so not much tanning. I tend to forget he's that much older though because he doesn't act "old". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Garga Posted July 12, 2013 Share Posted July 12, 2013 How do you know you won't get into another abusive relationship? What safeties do you have in place to get you out if it turns out he's another abusive man? Do you have any friends/family who will honestly tell you if they see red flags? And will you listen to them? If he lives 100 miles away, how often will trusted friends/family be able to interact with him to help you see signs? I hope that's not too personal, but that's what jumped out at me. The 15 year thing? Not a problem if you follow the advice given upthread. ETA: I don't expect you to answer online. Just to think about. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted July 12, 2013 Share Posted July 12, 2013 Dh is twelve years older than me, and we have been together fifteen years. I was married and had a child at 19, so when I divorced, I wasn't looking for someone young and immature. I dated one person even close to my age. Anyone else I went out with was at least 7+ years older than me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
unfrumpable. Posted July 12, 2013 Share Posted July 12, 2013 I wouldn't blink an eye at 48 and 61 because they are both middle-aged (no offense!) Now 28 and 41 I would raise my eyebrow at a bit because you've got one young and the other middle-aged. But really, who cares? I am 41 and my husband is 28. We've been married nine years next month. No one seeing us together has ever thought there was an age difference. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
VeganCupcake Posted July 12, 2013 Share Posted July 12, 2013 When someone is 48, a 13 year age difference either way is no issue. A 13 year age difference is an issue only when the younger partner is too young- like college age or younger. My husband and I met the old fashioned way, in college and have been together ever since. We have a 13 month age difference. So no difference at all really. :laugh: This is my take on it, too, FWIW. I have a friend who was 36, had a PhD, was/is a practicing psychologist, and married a girl who had just graduated from high school. Weird!!! Had they both been a few years older, it wouldn't have been so odd. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MyThreeSons Posted July 12, 2013 Share Posted July 12, 2013 My dh is 17 years older than I. When I was mid-20s and he was early 40s, it wasn't a big deal. Now, after almost 26 years of marriage, it is a much bigger deal. I'm not saying I wouldn't do it all over again -- we wouldn't have our precious sons -- but I do know that I went into it a little naively. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HS Mom in NC Posted July 12, 2013 Share Posted July 12, 2013 My dh is 17 years older than I. When I was mid-20s and he was early 40s, it wasn't a big deal. Now, after almost 26 years of marriage, it is a much bigger deal. I'm not saying I wouldn't do it all over again -- we wouldn't have our precious sons -- but I do know that I went into it a little naively. With life spans increasing significantly, divorce rates up high and birth rates decreasing, some adults are in for a rude awakening because they never wtched previous generations caring for dependent relatives. I go to church with a woman who must be 15-20 years younger than her husband. Right as her children became adults and moved out her husband started having two significant health issues-a heart condition and dementia. So, she lovingly cares for him without any sort of resentment, but she was surprised that her empty nest years went straight to caring for him as a dependent adult. She thought they would have time to travel and pursue personal interests they didn't have time for with kids in the home. Also, so many children have fewer children than generations past, so the full time care taking is falling on fewer sets of shoulders. My mother (a baby boomer and only child) spent several years caring for her parents (WWII soldier and his war bride) with me and my brothers helping her. Luckily I have 3 brothers and we all live within a 20 minute drive of mom's house. The year where we all took turns checking on them daily in their home turned into several months of them living with mom while Grandad went through leukemia with hospice nurses coming to mom's house with the grandkids helping and Grandomother's dementia turned to a serious case of Alzheimer's. When he passed it was 2 years more of Grandmother as a widow living with mom and the grandkids helping then a month of everyone making sure she was never alone at hospice medical facility until she died. When an adult becomes dependent it's completely different than a dependent child. Children can learn and adapt. Children become less dependent over time-not so for adults. Just the opposite. Grandmother died 2 years ago. My step-dad, two years older than my mom (they're 68 and 70) has had chronic medical issues related to his diabetes (even though he's meticulous about his diet and medication.) My mother has developed serious debilitating headaches. My father (70) lives an hour away from my bio-brother and I and has had heart surgery and lives alone. My in-laws (both 68) have medical issues and my MIL getting less and less mobile all the time. She weights 300+ #s and I won't be able to lift her when she can't get up. My husband's only sibling is 43 and has terminal breast cancer. I have so many people to take care of occasionally now and I don't know how long it will be until I'm care taking for them full time. Last fall my step-dad and FIL (who are close friends) were in two local hospitals at the same time for a week. I left one and drove down the freeway to other for several days. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pdalley Posted July 12, 2013 Share Posted July 12, 2013 I'm 46 - he's 61. Fifteen years apart and married 17 years. We were at the same stages in life when we met and married. He's still the best friend I ever had and that's been the lasting thing. I think it's about where you are at and where he is at in life - not the chronological thing. He looks very young for his age and people are shocked that he's 61. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MyThreeSons Posted July 12, 2013 Share Posted July 12, 2013 With life spans increasing significantly, divorce rates up high and birth rates decreasing, some adults are in for a rude awakening ... snip .... When an adult becomes dependent it's completely different than a dependent child. Children can learn and adapt. Children become less dependent over time-not so for adults. Just the opposite. this is so true! My dh (17 years older than I) was diagnosed with probable Alzheimer's about 7 years ago. Our sons were 16, 12 and 10 at the time. Dh is becoming increasingly dependent; youngest ds barely remembers his Dad being well. The two older sons have moved out and away. The youngest is often more of a father to his Dad than the other way around. This is not the way we had envisioned this season of our lives. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted July 12, 2013 Share Posted July 12, 2013 If you feel you are ready to have a healthy relationship with any age man (meaning, you won't even be attracted by abusive guy #4) - go for it. don't let age or distance stop you from at least exploring if it is feasible. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted July 12, 2013 Share Posted July 12, 2013 I go to church with a woman who must be 15-20 years younger than her husband. Right as her children became adults and moved out her husband started having two significant health issues-a heart condition and dementia. So, she lovingly cares for him without any sort of resentment, but she was surprised that her empty nest years went straight to caring for him as a dependent adult. She thought they would have time to travel and pursue personal interests they didn't have time for with kids in the home. and I know women who married men the same age as them and ended up widows with young children. (heart attacks, cancer, etc.) Two different homeschooling families in my community, the husband had a brain stem stroke - and required enormous care before dying. I've also seen a number of older couples where the husband's health outlasted the wife's. the reality is - things happen, and there are no guarantees. eta: my dh works from home and has since before he was 50. believe me - I relate to wives of retired husbands, even though we still have children at home and he isn't retired. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melissa in Australia Posted July 12, 2013 Share Posted July 12, 2013 DH is 13 years older than me. We got married when I was 18 and have been married for 20 years. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HS Mom in NC Posted July 12, 2013 Share Posted July 12, 2013 and I know women who married men the same age as them and ended up widows with young children. (heart attacks, cancer, etc.) Two different homeschooling families in my community, the husband had a brain stem stroke - and required enormous care before dying. I've also seen a number of older couples where the husband's health outlasted the wife's. the reality is - things happen, and there are no guarantees. eta: my dh works from home and has since before he was 50. believe me - I relate to wives of retired husbands, even though we still have children at home and he isn't retired. My husband has worked from home since 1997 when our older kids were toddlers. I don't find it at all like having a retired husband. When he's home he works in his office writing software. Once the kids understood he was off limits during work hours it's not really much different than a dad who comes home in the evening, except that he eats lunch with us too. Yes, there are widows with young children, but statistically that's rare compared the far more common scenario where women who marry significantly older men play the spousal nursing role sooner than women who marry men closer to their ages or younger. It's not an accusation of poor judgment on the woman' s part-it's pointing out the most likely scenario (care taking sooner) to people in a culture (the industrialized world) facing a new normal (longer life spans) which means care taking both sooner and longer which too many people haven't really considered in depth. Not only with their spouses, but now with their in-laws. It's getting to be so common we now have an accepted term for it: The Sandwiched Generation. It's very easy to brush it off if you haven't been doing it, but I've been doing it for a couple of years part time and have watched my mom and my in-laws do it full time with their elderly dependents. If you've never had to deal with endless doctor's appointments, had the home care nurse show you how to injections, get approval from insurance companies for approval, pick up meds, see that a long of meds in being taken at the right time, explaining anything at all to an Alzheimer's patient, keep track of an Alzheimer's patient all day, argue with a proud man that he needs to use the cane or he'll fall and risk losing far more mobility, etc. etc. etc. then great! I hope you don't ever have to deal with those things and I know a few older people who lived independently into their 90s, but most people eventually will deal with things like that. Marrying someone older increases the chances and it should be considered. Previous generations had fewer medical options to treat their illnesses and they died on average younger. Not so anymore. I see the naivete all the time on this board and in my social circles. So many times women go on and on about all the stuff they're going to do when they no longer have kids at home. It's very rare than any mention any expectation that they'll be helping or entirely caring for dependent adults-sometimes even before their kids leave the house. They have few siblings at all or nearby to help. That's a plate full. It's even more of a plate full when it's your spouse/live in/SO and say, your parent or grandparent. That doesn't even account for the step-parents that factor in. Paid work will be harder to do if they're care taking and leisure time decreases significantly. Asking someone to consider the hard realities that increasing numbers of people face is useful and productive. Many of us would choose a good man in spite of the increased likelihood of all these care taking possibilities. Full disclosure is a good thing. Hope for the best and plan for the worst is a very useful way to live. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kentuckymom Posted July 12, 2013 Share Posted July 12, 2013 I just want to chime in and encourage the OP to keep getting to know this mean despite the age difference. DH and I are only 6 months apart. My parents are 6 years apart (they met when he was a TA in one of her college classes) and are happily married nearly 50 years later. My older brother and his girlfriend of many years are approximately 15 years apart. He's 41 and she's in her mid/late 20's. I actually don't know her exact age, but I know she was just finishing college when they met 5 years ago. I agree that compatibility is more about life stage than age. I have friends who are 10 years on either side of my age because we're at the same life stage (parents of young kids). And, yes, do give serious considerations to questions like, If you were to marry this guy, would you be prepared to care for him as he aged? If he has kids too, how would the blended family get along (they'd have to relate even though they're presumably all grown)? Have you processed your abusive relationships of the past well and know what to avoid? Sometimes people seem perfect in the "getting to know you" stage and then turn out to be jerks or worse once a commitment is made. And, yeah, even if you marry someone your age, you just never know what the future will bring. My cousin, who married a man 5 years her junior, was widowed two years ago when their daughter was in kindergarten. A friend whose husband was within one year of her age was widowed this year when their daughter was 5. As you get to know this man, I recommend, if possible, having honest friends get to know him too. If they see anything that hints at abuse or dysfunction, you need to listen to them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Luanne Posted July 12, 2013 Author Share Posted July 12, 2013 Thanks for all your advice. I wouldn't even be considering this no matter what his age if I didn't already have family who knows him fairly well. My parents, aunt and uncle, and a cousin all have known him for years and all really think he is a great guy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted July 12, 2013 Share Posted July 12, 2013 My husband has worked from home since 1997 when our older kids were toddlers. I don't find it at all like having a retired husband. When he's home he works in his office writing software. Once the kids understood he was off limits during work hours it's not really much different than a dad who comes home in the evening, except that he eats lunch with us too. Yes, there are widows with young children, but statistically that's rare compared the far more common scenario where women who marry significantly older men play the spousal nursing role sooner than women who marry men closer to their ages or younger. Not only with their spouses, but now with their in-laws. It's getting to be so common we now have an accepted term for it: The Sandwiched Generation. I find your tone patronizing, as though you think everyone's experience should be the same, and that if someone disagrees with you it's because they are lacking in experience. on the contrary - everyone's experience is different, and there are no guarantees. stats are made up of unique experiences and fall on a spectrum. My dm and mil were both widows with minor children. I cared for my ailing mother for longer than two years before her death. I've been the sandwich filling with a young spec needs child (and teens, and college students) while my mother also needed care. (and fighting a sibling who disagreed with mother's drawn up by a lawyer wishes because sib wanted control. My mother has been dead for 2 1/2 years, but the fallout from that isn't over.) dh's mother is 10 years older than mine, but she's still alive. It's his sisters turn to care for her, dh had his turn. my dh doesn't stay in his office all day, he's frequently out of it. I've been doing this a long time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crimson Wife Posted July 12, 2013 Share Posted July 12, 2013 FWIW, it seems to me that today's 60somethings and 70somethings are FAR healthier (in general) than previous generations were. My parents have an 84 y.o. neighbor who goes windsurfing every single day in the summer. It's a bit of a stretch to say that 60 is the new 40, but it's definitely the new 50. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
freeindeed Posted July 12, 2013 Share Posted July 12, 2013 If he's a great guy, and you are both interested in getting to know one another better, then go for it. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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