What would you tell your son?

[Scarlett]

I discovered things about my now xh that led to me divorcing him by a key logger I installed on his computer. I had A LOT of evidence. It was enough that I got sole custody and a visitation arrangement that I wanted. All of that evidence is in the hands of my attorney. However I carelessly left copies on my computer.

 

My son is now 13. Huge into Minecraft.....well the other day he was on my computer looking for some Minecraft files. He says, mom why do you have a folder named Porn? Well I told him it was not porn...and it wasn't me looking at porn and that was all he needed to know about it. I immediately deleted it...and he saw that I did and told me it made me look suspicious! I told him..choosing words carefully....that it was research material.....

 

I talk to my ds constantly about porn.....I am very open about the dangers of it....how it destroys lives. I don't want him thinking I am looking at porn or ever did.....bit I don't want to divulge the details of what I know about his dad.

 

What would you do?

[Audrey]

I would keep it simple and short. I don't think 13 is too young to know some simple facts, but it wouldn't be appropriate to drag out such a conversation. I would say :

 

"Porn is one part of why your father and I divorced. That folder was my proof of the problem. The rest of that is between your father and I and our attorneys. "

 

Your son knows porn is unacceptable to you. That should be easy for him to understand.

 

Caveat : I am a pretty blunt, facts-oriented person. My kid is, too. You need to judge for yourself if that approach is appropriate for your kid. I am only saying what *I* would do.

[Scarlett]

My son has in the past begged me for details of how I caught his dad. I have told him that is information he doesn't need to know. I told him at the beginning that I was divorcing his dad because his dad was having an affair. Apparently some people think THAT is more than a 9 year old needs to know. I don't regret what I've told him but I lean toward giving too much info...so I am trying to reel myself in. My mom agrees with you Audrey. That I should tell him. Because she doesn't think ds will let it go. We had lunch with my parents last week and he told them he found porn on my computer.

[Unicorn.]

I agree w/ Audrey. Just tell him it was part of the reason for the divorce, and the file was info for your attorney. The end.

[MamaJeanne]

I agree with Audrey. I think he needs something more of an explanation. My gut feeling is that if I were that age, I sure would never let something like that go. I would go the rest of my life remembering my mom brushing it off, and wondering what it was that she was hiding. What a hard spot to be in!

[Jean in Newcastle]

I would listen to your mom. The more you make this a secret, the more your son will push and the more he will make of this in his own mind. If you tell him the truth simply but without a lot of adornment, the easier it will be for him to move on.

[Harriet Vane]

I agree with Jean and Audrey. Tell him the simple, unadorned truth. Keep it brief. Promise him, again, that you personally do not look at porn.

[DawnM]

The more secretive you are the more interested he will be.

[SproutMamaK]

To be frank (and I hope not hurtful)... you have a 13 year old boy who's been told all his life that porn is wrong, and now he thinks "But Mom is doing it anyway!" Without an explanation, you're at best making him believe you're a hypocrite that he can't trust, at worst setting him up to believe that everyone does it no matter what they claim, so it's okay.

 

Please tell him. This is something he needs a good explanation for; if he's talking about it to people, obviously it's eating away at him.

[bettyandbob]

He's 13. He asked. You need to answer him directly and plainly. He will keep prying or he will try to find out some other way.

 

At his age, in some states children are permitted to request changes in custody. You situation is unusual because of the factors that got you sole custody. Your son is old enough to learn why. He is at an age where he will want to know why and won't simply accept that "he's not old enough to understand."

[RoughCollie]

I would tread carefully. Your son already knows that you divorced his father because his father was having an affair. I would tell him that I suspected that affair and that I collected evidence of that to make sure I was right before I got a divorce. That evidence is in the file. I would probably tell him a few non-salacious details about why I was suspicious in the first place, and that I had installed a keylogger to confirm my suspicions.

 

I would tell him that he doesn't need to know exactly what that evidence was, because that was a private matter between my ex-husband and me, and our attorneys. The contents of the file have nothing to do with his relationship with his father or me, we both love and adore him, and we both feel fortunate that he is our child.

 

Personally, I don't think that a 13 year old boy needs to know details about what you discovered. My mother was quite verbal about the sins of my father when my parents got divorced. It confuses the kids and makes them miserable and unsure about who to trust. I know quite a few teenagers who are in the same boat -- Mom tells them bad things about Dad. No matter how badly the kids want to know the gory details, it hurts them and makes them miserable.

 

IMO, one reason for that is that kids don't have any basis for understanding how and why a marriage can fail; they don't have experience with being an adult in a long-term relationship. They can appear to understand intellectually, but they don't grasp it emotionally. Second, it makes some kids whose parent(s) have remarried feel insecure about whether they are wanted by the noncustodial parent, as opposed to being a burden (responsibility) the non-custodial parent has to take along in his or her new life. (Some variation on if he didn't want Mom, why would he want me -- I'm in the way, too.) Third, it can damage the relationship between father and child as the child processes the new information, which can lead to problems with that relationship as well as the ongoing relationship the parents have because they share a child.

 

I don't know many teens who parents are divorced, no matter how long ago it was, that have an easy time of it. This is basically because they try to protect their parents from one another so they won't hate each other or because they do hate each other. It boils down to the kid feels badly a lot of the time, and to perhaps damaging the relationships the kid has with his parents. Do the parents know about this? Sometimes one does, but often it is their girlfriend or boyfriend or the mother of a friend they turn to in their anguish, which does not solve the problems that exist in the primary relationships. Unless there is some overwhelming reason to damage that relationship, that is in the kid's longterm best interest, I don't think it is kind or necessary.

 

So, I would tell him a few pertinent details, but I would not tell him the entire story. It isn't his burden to carry. He is too young, and it could damage his relationship with his father. If anyone is going to damage that relationship, let it be his father. Stick to dry facts, no explanation of how you felt. My mother didn't do that -- she told all, including about how she felt, and she permanently, unnecessarily, and seriously damaged the relationship between my father and two of their children. Those two children were convinced that our father didn't care about them, else why would he have done those things to hurt our family. They didn't discuss it with him because they were afraid my mother was right and that he would reject them. My siblings were caught between a rock and hard place, and I see teens in that position with their divorced parents every day.

 

It's a crappy position for a former spouse and parent to be in. I guess my view can be summed up in do what is in the best interest of the child, longterm, no matter how big a cad his father is and how much the facts are on your side. My view would change if the father were currently behaving in a manner that would have direct, serious ill effects on the child.

[Murphy101]

I agree with Audrey. And you should steel yourself for him asking for me details every year or so.

 

Some people never feel closure without all the answers and sadly that means most don't get closure.

 

(((hugs)))

[Tita Gidge]

I vote with Rough Collie.

 

I started to write something similar.

 

She said it better, and had personal experience to back it up.

[bettyandbob]

Stick to dry facts, no explanation of how you felt.

 

 

I believe it is possible to do this and give complete explanation. You can explain the facts and evidence show the bad choices a person made without saying the person is bad.

[Scarlett]

RC I do see your point. However I want to add a few details that might change your opinion.....his dad and I have been divorced for almost 4 years....separated for over 4. I had a clause put in our custody agreement that specifically addressed porn...that none was to be in the house of either parent and that our son was not allowed access to any computer that had accessed porn. I then told ds of that clause and told him he is to let me know if he EVER runs across that at his dads house.

 

Our divorce was very difficult on us, but my xh and I now have a very good relationship now. He broke up with that girl, made some very heart felt apologies to me and our son and has made some significant efforts to turn his personal life around.

 

So after reading all the posts I think I am going to tell him that the folder was evidence that I collected from a keylogger I put on his dads computer....that I did find his dad had been viewing porn and I was concerned about ds being exposed to it which is why that clause was put in our custody agreement. I feel I can speak kindly about his father and say we have no reason to think he is still doing that and use it as a cautionary tale.

[Scarlett]

I agree with Audrey. And you should steel yourself for him asking for me details every year or so.

 

Some people never feel closure without all the answers and sadly that means most don't get closure.

 

(((hugs)))

 

 

He does still ask for details. And he a very curious boy. He is like me in that way. My mom never kept secrets from me.....ever. I have found although sometimes kids hear more than they should have to know the truth is generally the best choice.

[goldberry]

Agree with your plan for telling him. Also add, "I was being hesitant because I wasn't sure yet how to discuss what happened with you." to alleviate his suspicions about why you were acting wiggy. You DEFINITELY don't wan't him suspicious that you are watching porn.

[Harriet Vane]

Good plan Scarlett.

 

You're a good mom.

 

:grouphug:

[bobbeym]

I think your idea is a good one to give him the basic facts without going into gritty details. Is it possible though he had already viewed the folder's contents before he asked about it, and simply asked to see if you'd confirm the contents?

[Anne in CA]

I am glad you are going to tell him the bare facts. My dh's ex said awful things about dh and dh would not tell the truth to my oldest. It always put her in a bad spot, but dh would say he never wanted to talk badly about his child's mother at all. Not telling the truth was not actually helpful though.

[LeslieAnneLevine]

I am glad you are going to tell him the bare facts. My dh's ex said awful things about dh and dh would not tell the truth to my oldest. It always put her in a bad spot, but dh would say he never wanted to talk badly about his child's mother at all. Not telling the truth was not actually helpful though.

 

I agree. It's OK to correct facts and you can do it without talking badly about the other parent.

[Tammyla]

I think your son is blessed to have you able to speak honestly with kindness of his father. So many kids suffer under the burden one parent places on them for loving their own parent.

 

 

I also think minimal information to your son is all that is necessary.

 

RC I do see your point. However I want to add a few details that might change your opinion.....his dad and I have been divorced for almost 4 years....separated for over 4. I had a clause put in our custody agreement that specifically addressed porn...that none was to be in the house of either parent and that our son was not allowed access to any computer that had accessed porn. I then told ds of that clause and told him he is to let me know if he EVER runs across that at his dads house.

 

Our divorce was very difficult on us, but my xh and I now have a very good relationship now. He broke up with that girl, made some very heart felt apologies to me and our son and has made some significant efforts to turn his personal life around.

 

So after reading all the posts I think I am going to tell him that the folder was evidence that I collected from a keylogger I put on his dads computer....that I did find his dad had been viewing porn and I was concerned about ds being exposed to it which is why that clause was put in our custody agreement. I feel I can speak kindly about his father and say we have no reason to think he is still doing that and use it as a cautionary tale.

 

[albeto]

I discovered things about my now xh that led to me divorcing him by a key logger I installed on his computer. I had A LOT of evidence. It was enough that I got sole custody and a visitation arrangement that I wanted. All of that evidence is in the hands of my attorney. However I carelessly left copies on my computer.

 

My son is now 13. Huge into Minecraft.....well the other day he was on my computer looking for some Minecraft files. He says, mom why do you have a folder named Porn? Well I told him it was not porn...and it wasn't me looking at porn and that was all he needed to know about it. I immediately deleted it...and he saw that I did and told me it made me look suspicious! I told him..choosing words carefully....that it was research material.....

 

I talk to my ds constantly about porn.....I am very open about the dangers of it....how it destroys lives. I don't want him thinking I am looking at porn or ever did.....bit I don't want to divulge the details of what I know about his dad.

 

What would you do?

 

 

I have a child who cannot stand being lied to. He interprets lack of information as being lied to (and I would agree), so this influences my opinion. If I were in your shoes, I would give my son the same respect I wanted myself - information and the time and safety to process it.

[albeto]

I discovered things about my now xh that led to me divorcing him by a key logger I installed on his computer. I had A LOT of evidence. It was enough that I got sole custody and a visitation arrangement that I wanted. All of that evidence is in the hands of my attorney. However I carelessly left copies on my computer.

 

My son is now 13. Huge into Minecraft.....well the other day he was on my computer looking for some Minecraft files. He says, mom why do you have a folder named Porn? Well I told him it was not porn...and it wasn't me looking at porn and that was all he needed to know about it. I immediately deleted it...and he saw that I did and told me it made me look suspicious! I told him..choosing words carefully....that it was research material.....

 

I talk to my ds constantly about porn.....I am very open about the dangers of it....how it destroys lives. I don't want him thinking I am looking at porn or ever did.....bit I don't want to divulge the details of what I know about his dad.

 

What would you do?

 

 

I have a child who cannot stand being lied to. He interprets lack of information as being lied to (and I would agree), so this influences my opinion. If I were in your shoes, I would give my son the same respect I wanted myself - information and the time and safety to process it.

[sheryl]

You know, it's just sad about this whole story. You got burned, your son could if not handled properly and your xh - who knows.

 

Weeeeeeell, I don't see you have a choice, Scarlett. I would normally tell a parent NOT to defame the other parent to the child. That shames the child when the parent uses the child as a pawn to hit him/her against the other parent.

 

However, this situation is different. Keep that in mind. Your son is probably old enough to "understand" some social ills, no? I would wisely choose words to explain to your son that his dad has a problem or issue and it's called porn. Our church, last year, offered a one week social media series to learn about the influence all forms of media are having upon children and all family members. What I learned was that pron is a very real and prevalent issue among a lot of men, unchurched and to my disappointment, churched. I would explain to him that he is one individual who can make a difference. One times many could remove this problem in society, but it has to start with an individual. I'd explain to your son that he can be such a person - be strong and set an example (be a leader and not a follower).

 

HTH!

[tex-bex]

I'd give him enough information for him to understand that one problem with porn is that it can tear people apart in a situation like this, which sure backs up your rule.

 

I have to ask - WHY did you name that folder porn? I'd have gone with butternutsquashrecipes. ;P

[Murphy101]

Idk about Scarlett but my young kids are never on computers. So I'd not bother with hiding or coding file names from them. Especially if at the time it was primary my computer. 2 years later, I get a new one and kids get old one... Just saying I don't think everyone feels a need to hide or code stuff from their kids for various reasons.

 

And butternutsquashrecipes is actually one if my kids pinterest a boards! imagine the horror of opening it to find porn?! lol

[Danestress]

 

 

I have a child who cannot stand being lied to. He interprets lack of information as being lied to (and I would agree), so this influences my opinion. If I were in your shoes, I would give my son the same respect I wanted myself - information and the time and safety to process it.

 

 

I hate being lied to as well. However, as an adult, I have a good sense of what is none of my business, so I don't ask. I think in this situation it is ok to say that this is not of concern to the boy. I can't imagine telling a child about a parent's affair or porn use. That seems decidedly outside of the concern of the child. He may like to know more details, but I would not be the one to share them.

[albeto]

RC I do see your point. However I want to add a few details that might change your opinion.....his dad and I have been divorced for almost 4 years....separated for over 4. I had a clause put in our custody agreement that specifically addressed porn...that none was to be in the house of either parent and that our son was not allowed access to any computer that had accessed porn. I then told ds of that clause and told him he is to let me know if he EVER runs across that at his dads house.

 

 

I'm confused.

 

Why is your husband not allowed to look at porn in the privacy of his own home when your son is not there?

 

I'm sorry, I'm terribly ignorant about divorce and how it works, especially regarding sharing custody, but it seems to me that a person ought to have the right to pursue his or her own interests in the privacy of their own home (assuming said interests do not break the law).

[albeto]

I hate being lied to as well. However, as an adult, I have a good sense of what is none of my business, so I don't ask. I think in this situation it is ok to say that this is not of concern to the boy. I can't imagine telling a child about a parent's affair or porn use. That seems decidedly outside of the concern of the child. He may like to know more details, but I would not be the one to share them.

 

 

Hmmm, I'm trying to see this from your point of view. Do you mind explaining a bit more? A 13 year old presumably knows people take pictures, sell pictures, buy pictures, and look at pictures of people nude, many simulating sex acts. Some people enjoy this, others couldn't care less, many find it offensive. Any stress-relieving behavior can become an addiction, and for some people this includes viewing porn.

 

Why would this kind of discussion be outside the concern of a 13 year old, especially when it helps explain his parents' divorce?

 

I hope you understand I'm asking in a completely curious (sorry if nosy) way. I'm just trying to comprehend this idea from another point of view than the one I have.

[Danestress]

 

 

Hmmm, I'm trying to see this from your point of view. Do you mind explaining a bit more? A 13 year old presumably knows people take pictures, sell pictures, buy pictures, and look at pictures of people nude, many simulating sex acts. Some people enjoy this, others couldn't care less, many find it offensive. Any stress-relieving behavior can become an addiction, and for some people this includes viewing porn.

 

Why would this kind of discussion be outside the concern of a 13 year old, especially when it helps explain his parents' divorce?

 

I hope you understand I'm asking in a completely curious (sorry if nosy) way. I'm just trying to comprehend this idea from another point of view than the one I have.

 

I think porn use is a private matter. I don't think it is my right to share a man's porn use with his son or daughter. I don't think the OP's only options are telling the truth or lying. Saying, 'that is none of your business' (however tactfully) is also an option, and it is good to model that to our children. If I were using my adult son's computer, saw such a file, and asked about it, that would be the correct response, I think. Part of having boundaries is knowing how to choose not to answer questions.

[QuirkyKapers]

RC I do see your point. However I want to add a few details that might change your opinion.....his dad and I have been divorced for almost 4 years....separated for over 4. I had a clause put in our custody agreement that specifically addressed porn...that none was to be in the house of either parent and that our son was not allowed access to any computer that had accessed porn. I then told ds of that clause and told him he is to let me know if he EVER runs across that at his dads house.

 

Our divorce was very difficult on us, but my xh and I now have a very good relationship now. He broke up with that girl, made some very heart felt apologies to me and our son and has made some significant efforts to turn his personal life around.

 

So after reading all the posts I think I am going to tell him that the folder was evidence that I collected from a keylogger I put on his dads computer....that I did find his dad had been viewing porn and I was concerned about ds being exposed to it which is why that clause was put in our custody agreement. I feel I can speak kindly about his father and say we have no reason to think he is still doing that and use it as a cautionary tale.

 

 

:iagree: What you said in the last paragraph is very matter of fact. To me, it also doesn't come across as badmouthing. You can also reiterate what you said about his father having since made efforts to work on his life and make changes. We all have things to work on in our life from choices we have made or choices others have made that have impacted us in a negative or positive way. Some of things are harder than others to let go of or work through. Some things haunt us longer than others because of the imprint those choices have made on our lives. :grouphug: :grouphug:

[Laura Corin]

 

I talk to my ds constantly about porn....

 

 

You've had some good advice. I just wanted to address this that you said. Personally, I'd be concerned if I found myself talking to a son 'constantly' about porn. Yes, it is something that he needs to understand. Making it loom too large in his life might have the opposite effect to the one you intend, however.

 

L

[Orthodox6]

I can't mind much to add to the comments already posted. The boy is thirteen, and old enough to be told the basic facts surrounding the divorce. Also, as he spoke to his grandparents, I don't see any way around talking with him. I fear that this is going to stay in his mind, where his imagination is going to run riot unless you talk openly (within boundaries, as suggested).

 

I hope that your saving the legal file (of "the stuff") does not breach the custody agreement, leading to repercussions. (Did I understand correctly that neither your computers nor his fathers may include the smallest scrap of such content?)

 

If you still need to retain the information, can you transfer it to an external hard drive that you keep locked up?

[Scarlett]

I'd give him enough information for him to understand that one problem with porn is that it can tear people apart in a situation like this, which sure backs up your rule.

 

I have to ask - WHY did you name that folder porn? I'd have gone with butternutsquashrecipes. ;P

 

 

Lol. Good question. 4 years ago ds NEVER got on my computer and wouldn't have known how to go find files if he did.

 

And just for clarification there were no actual images in the folder. Only links to the pages my x had visited... Butthe words in the links are sick enough I wouldn't want ds to see. Much worse than 'naked girl' if you know what I mean.

 

I did speak to my son today and told him that folder was part of what I discovered when I put a keylogger on his dads computer back when I found out about the affair. And that my lawyer has it all and I should have deleted that years ago.

 

I think he is fine now.

[Scarlett]

I can't mind much to add to the comments already posted. The boy is thirteen, and old enough to be told the basic facts surrounding the divorce. Also, as he spoke to his grandparents, I don't see any way around talking with him. I fear that this is going to stay in his mind, where his imagination is going to run riot unless you talk openly (within boundaries, as suggested).

 

I hope that your saving the legal file (of "the stuff") does not breach the custody agreement, leading to repercussions. (Did I understand correctly that neither your computers nor his fathers may include the smallest scrap of such content?)

 

If you still need to retain the information, can you transfer it to an external hard drive that you keep locked up?

 

 

Well, it isn't actual porn....just a file of the evidence....and no, my xh won't be opening that can of worms. But is gone now, so problem solved.

[Scarlett]

 

 

You've had some good advice. I just wanted to address this that you said. Personally, I'd be concerned if I found myself talking to a son 'constantly' about porn. Yes, it is something that he needs to understand. Making it loom too large in his life might have the opposite effect to the one you intend, however.

 

L

 

 

Constantly was an exaggeration. Not anywhere constantly. But it is a huge problem and I do keep lines of communication open with him.

[Laura Corin]

Constantly was an exaggeration. Not anywhere constantly. But it is a huge problem and I do keep lines of communication open with him.

 

 

It's a huge problem for him, or in general? I do understand that it has been very important in your life, and open communication is key, but I'm wary of 'going on' about dangers that might just sound more interesting if stressed.

 

I've certainly talked to my 13yo about it, given him our family view, and made sure that he knows that he can talk to me or his father about anything that concerns him. I doubt if I'll touch on the issue again for another year or so.

 

L

[Scarlett]

 

 

I'm confused.

 

Why is your husband not allowed to look at porn in the privacy of his own home when your son is not there?

 

I'm sorry, I'm terribly ignorant about divorce and how it works, especially regarding sharing custody, but it seems to me that a person ought to have the right to pursue his or her own interests in the privacy of their own home (assuming said interests do not break the law).

 

 

Correction....no porn in the home when ds is there.

[Scarlett]

 

 

I think porn use is a private matter. I don't think it is my right to share a man's porn use with his son or daughter. I don't think the OP's only options are telling the truth or lying. Saying, 'that is none of your business' (however tactfully) is also an option, and it is good to model that to our children. If I were using my adult son's computer, saw such a file, and asked about it, that would be the correct response, I think. Part of having boundaries is knowing how to choose not to answer questions.

 

 

My evidence uncovered many many things that ds will never know about from me. But I absolutely believe my son had the right to know the general reason we were destroying his family...an affair.

 

And if I had not foolishly left that file there he would never have known about the porn....but he saw it....and I think he needed some explanation reassurance that I wasn't viewing porn. Or my dh.

[Scarlett]

 

 

It's a huge problem for him, or in general? I do understand that it has been very important in your life, and open communication is key, but I'm wary of 'going on' about dangers that might just sound more interesting if stressed.

 

I've certainly talked to my 13yo about it, given him our family view, and made sure that he knows that he can talk to me or his father about anything that concerns him. I doubt if I'll touch on the issue again for another year or so.

 

L

 

 

I think it needs to be discussed more often than every few years.

[Scarlett]

 

 

:iagree: What you said in the last paragraph is very matter of fact. To me, it also doesn't come across as badmouthing. You can also reiterate what you said about his father having since made efforts to work on his life and make changes. We all have things to work on in our life from choices we have made or choices others have made that have impacted us in a negative or positive way. Some of things are harder than others to let go of or work through. Some things haunt us longer than others because of the imprint those choices have made on our lives. :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

 

It went well.....I have explained to him before...a discussion about relationships, not xh and me, how I believe porn can destroy relationships and how a person can get on a slippery slope with that stuff and it is better to not there.

[Laura Corin]

I think it needs to be discussed more often than every few years.

 

I agree, but as I said: about once a year sounds good to me. There's a line in a Dorothy Sayers novel (second time today to quote from her) about getting more confidences from young people if you don't poke them too much. It's something I try to bear in mind: Hobbes already knows what I think; now I don't want him to shrink away from my probing, nor do I want to plant ideas where there are none.

 

You know your son best.

 

L

[Rosie_0801]

I think porn use is a private matter. I don't think it is my right to share a man's porn use with his son or daughter. I don't think the OP's only options are telling the truth or lying. Saying, 'that is none of your business' (however tactfully) is also an option, and it is good to model that to our children. If I were using my adult son's computer, saw such a file, and asked about it, that would be the correct response, I think. Part of having boundaries is knowing how to choose not to answer questions.

 

Part of being a custodial parent is the balancing act between not bashing the other parent and not covering for them to the point it hurts one's relationship with one's child. Scarlett telling her son it's none of his business would damage her relationship with him. It is not right to bash one's ex, but it is not right to prioritise their relationship with their kid over your own relationship with the kid. The boy is still young and Scarlett has a long road through the teen years ahead.

[Scarlett]

 

 

I agree, but as I said: about once a year sounds good to me. There's a line in a Dorothy Sayers novel (second time today to quote from her) about getting more confidences from young people if you don't poke them too much. It's something I try to bear in mind: Hobbes already knows what I think; now I don't want him to shrink away from my probing, nor do I want to plant ideas where there are none.

 

You know your son best.

 

L

 

Well I am not worried about putting ideas in his head. I think they are already there. ;).

 

Our discussions are more part of daily life....as topics come up etc. I am not doing a big formal discussion with him once a month or anything like that.

[goldberry]

Well I am not worried about putting ideas in his head. I think they are already there. ;).

.

 

 

:iagree: If he is a living, breathing, 13 y/o boy (or girl) they are already there.

[Laura Corin]

Well I am not worried about putting ideas in his head. I think they are already there. ;).

 

 

 

Oh absolutely, he's having age-appropriate feelings. I'm just wary of over-emphasising the pxrn aspect of it.

 

L

[TXBeth]

I think you did the right thing telling him the truth. Honestly, I was imagining the fallout if he went to his dad and said "I found a folder of porn on Mom's computer and she just deleted it and wouldn't talk to me about it."