Chelli Posted February 22, 2013 Share Posted February 22, 2013 I'm needing some wisdom on how to handle a situation that has suddenly started happening in Chipette's ballet class. A little background...Chipette just turned 9 in November, but she is already in the Ballet 5/pre-Pointe class at her dance studio. To put that in perspective for non-ballet parents she is definitely the youngest in the class since ages range from 15-11 years old. However, the ballet instructor sees some amazing natural talent in Chipette and the class is definitely where she needs to be. About three weeks ago, the ballet teacher told Chipette that she really wanted her to come on the Tuesday night class as well as the Thursday night class. The Ballet 5 class was offered both nights, but we could only afford the one class. The ballet teacher said not to worry about paying for the extra class, just bring her. Such an amazing blessing! She also told the other girls that were in the Tuesday only class to start coming on Thursdays as well. Once Chipette started going on Tuesday and the other girls started coming on Thursday is when she met her first mean girl. I'll call her Jane. Jane goes out of her way to make snide remarks to Chipette. She catches her alone on the stairs. She whispers mean things to her in class, etc. Jane is 11, so the youngest girl in the class before they merged. I know that it's all jealousy, but Chipette really has no idea what to do about it. She keeps telling me, "But Mom I never did anything to her!" Of course I talked to her about mean girls and how you don't have to do anything, they are just mean. So far Chipette is handling herself splendidly by not engaging her, ignoring her, it's definitely not making her anxious or upset. My dh thinks that I should let the ballet instructor know what is going on. My first instict is not to say anything. So far there hasn't been any threatening statements or bodily contact, just stupid, jealous, one up manship stuff. I don't want to be one of those mothers who the minute somebody is the least mean to their child they tell on them. Also, Chipette wants to be a professional ballerina and I don't think this will be her last encounter with mean girls! So what does the Hive say, tell the instructor now or let it ride until it becomes worse or effecting Chipette? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TXMomof4 Posted February 22, 2013 Share Posted February 22, 2013 Id let the instructor know simply because I think 9 is to young to deal with this type of crap. I wouldn't ask her to intervene - just be aware of it and head it off if possible. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jennifer in MI Posted February 22, 2013 Share Posted February 22, 2013 I agree. She's the youngest in the class and probably intimidated by the other girls. I'd say something to the teacher - especially if you have a good relationship with her. And, it sounds like you do. We had a situation on my dd's gymnastics team that didn't involve my dd, but a friend of hers. Her mom said something and we were all VERY impressed with the way it was taken care of. Immediately. I hope your dd's ballet instructor handles it as well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sparrow Posted February 22, 2013 Share Posted February 22, 2013 I think I would follow her lead. You wrote that she's not feeling anxious or upset by it. Yet. At the FIRST indication that things were escalating I would go to the instructor. It sounds like you two are already talking about this and I don't doubt that she'll let you know if things are getting worse. If she can get through this on her own, she'll be stronger for the next round of Mean Girls. And you know they'll be there :glare: . Man, Mean Girls stink. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TammyS Posted February 22, 2013 Share Posted February 22, 2013 I think I would follow her lead. You wrote that she's not feeling anxious or upset by it. Yet. At the FIRST indication that things were escalating I would go to the instructor. It sounds like you two are already talking about this and I don't doubt that she'll let you know if things are getting worse. If she can get through this on her own, she'll be stronger for the next round of Mean Girls. And you know they'll be there :glare: . Man, Mean Girls stink. I agree. I wouldn't let it escalate, but I also wouldn't start getting in there immediately and heading everything off. We've heard so much about bullying lately that I think we are swinging in the opposite direction of wanting to manage all social difficulties for our kids. I'm not sure I think that's a good idea, either. The world is full of jerks and kids have to learn to handle them, unfortunately. So as long as your dd is handling it and it's not escalating, I would keep coaching her through it. Talk to her about what might motivate this girl to be like that...would dd want to be like that...etc. I have a friend who always asks her kids - does so-and-so carry your joy around in their mouth? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kathryn Posted February 22, 2013 Share Posted February 22, 2013 I'd tell the instructor, not in a tattling kind if way, but just in a wanting to keep her informed in case something happens way. I wouldn't sound like I wanted her to do something, just to be aware of the issue. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nono Posted February 22, 2013 Share Posted February 22, 2013 Sounds like Jane is not digging giving up her role as youngest in the group. Doesn't excuse her behavior, but she might not have formerly exhibited "mean" qualities. In your shoes, I would explain to dd that dynamics often change when when groups merge, and unfortunately, she's seeing the lousy parts that can happen when an existing pecking order is changed. I might mention to the instructor (depending on the rapport I had with the person) that I thought that Jane was maybe unconsciously upset by the change. Perhaps a few extra "atta girls" by the instructor to Jane would help her transition to her new place in the pack. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starr Posted February 22, 2013 Share Posted February 22, 2013 My personal experience is that I wish I had done something at 9 because by 14 it was a nightmare. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DianeW88 Posted February 22, 2013 Share Posted February 22, 2013 I'd ignore it unless it got worse. Ballet is funny. There are mean girls everywhere. This one obviously hasn't mastered the art of subtlety yet, so at least you know where it's coming from and you can keep an eye on it. Now, when your dd's things start disappearing (like a pointe shoe before a performance, her false eyelashes, or her music CD), you'll know the other girls are REALLY feeling threatened and that means your dd is a very good dancer. If she wants to be a professional ballerina, she'll need a very thick skin...as will you. The ballet world is fiercely competitive among female dancers, and mean girls can be the rule in some companies. There is always at least one. This won't be your dd's first encounter with one, and it won't be her last. Oh, and while you're at it....prepare her for artistic directors that are just this side of insane, and choreographers who think she's simply a robot to do their bidding. Prepare her to be called out in front of an entire class for the way she danced a particular step and prepare her for the insane ranting of a madman or woman, depending on whether her company employs a ballet mistress or master. Make sure she goes into this career with her eyes WIDE open, because it is not for the faint of heart. More dancers end up leaving ballet in their late teens and early twenties, because they cannot deal with emotional side of it. It is very much a head game. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dirty ethel rackham Posted February 22, 2013 Share Posted February 22, 2013 Great advice so far. I would also encourage your daughter to stand up for herself. If the girl starts saying mean things, give her a few things to say back to her to show her that she is not a pushover. She can make her comment and move on. She may need some role-playing practice so that she won't feel nervous or intimidated. I wish someone had taught me how to deal with this instead of ignoring the problem and letting me get bullied for years. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Remudamom Posted February 22, 2013 Share Posted February 22, 2013 Tell the instructor IMMMEDIATELY and use the word "bullying". Tell her you are concerned about how this is going to impact your dd's dancing. Don't let it escalate. The teacher should make it clear that bullies will be asked to leave. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lizzie in Ma Posted February 22, 2013 Share Posted February 22, 2013 I'd ignore it unless it got worse. Ballet is funny. There are mean girls everywhere. This one obviously hasn't mastered the art of subtlety yet, so at least you know where it's coming from and you can keep an eye on it. Now, when your dd's things start disappearing (like a pointe shoe before a performance, her false eyelashes, or her music CD), you'll know the other girls are REALLY feeling threatened and that means your dd is a very good dancer. If she wants to be a professional ballerina, she'll need a very thick skin...as will you. The ballet world is fiercely competitive among female dancers, and mean girls can be the rule in some companies. There is always at least one. This won't be your dd's first encounter with one, and it won't be her last. Oh, and while you're at it....prepare her for artistic directors that are just this side of insane, and choreographers who think she's simply a robot to do their bidding. Prepare her to be called out in front of an entire class for the way she danced a particular step and prepare her for the insane ranting of a madman or woman, depending on whether her company employs a ballet mistress or master. Make sure she goes into this career with her eyes WIDE open, because it is not for the faint of heart. More dancers end up leaving ballet in their late teens and early twenties, because they cannot deal with emotional side of it. It is very much a head game. Harsh but true. It is a world all it's own. Support her, love her, comfort her and teach her as best you can to deal with it, it isn't going to stop and it isn't likely to get much better, especially if she is that talented. No, she absolutely shouldn't have to deal with it, no one should, but in the ballet world? It can be very unkind and not just the kids. I'm sorry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tammyla Posted February 22, 2013 Share Posted February 22, 2013 I would also speak with ballet teacher. This is her studio and she should be the one to know and handle it. Wishing never stops a bully...They thrive on people ignoring their behavior. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TammyS Posted February 22, 2013 Share Posted February 22, 2013 Tell the instructor IMMMEDIATELY and use the word "bullying". Tell her you are concerned about how this is going to impact your dd's dancing. Don't let it escalate. The teacher should make it clear that bullies will be asked to leave. I have to say that I strongly disagree with that. Not necessarily with talking to the teacher, that's a judgement call.....but I think it's really wrong, and possibly very damaging, to label a kid a "bully" everytime they are jerky to another kid. Being a jerk does not make you a bully. Sometimes kids are just jerks. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Word Nerd Posted February 22, 2013 Share Posted February 22, 2013 I would calmly make the teacher aware of the situation and keep an eye on it. I would also want the girl's parent(s) involved if the situation escalates at all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catz Posted February 22, 2013 Share Posted February 22, 2013 If the teacher is approachable, I would say something. And I might say something like "Chippette feels like Jane does not like her. Can you do what you can to keep these 2 apart?". I probably wouldn't say more unless the teacher asked for info about what is going on. My 8 yo daughter is the youngest in her dance class right now too and it is a hard place to be. She hasn't had direct bullying but I do see the eye rolls and a little exclusion occasionally. Our studio doesn't tolerate much nonsense and many girls are on scholarships of some kind. I do think at some point, kids just have to learn to roll with this stuff. But 9 is very young yet! I think working with your daughter on some self defense, letting this stuff roll of her back techniques is a great idea too. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Garga Posted February 22, 2013 Share Posted February 22, 2013 The teacher needs to be told. It's her studio and she needs to know what's going on. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TracyP Posted February 22, 2013 Share Posted February 22, 2013 I would tell the instructor, but only as an FYI. Not in an attempt to have the girl labeled a bully or the instructor step in at this point. I imagine that the instructor would appreciate the heads-up. This will be helpful for everyone in case the situation escalates, or if the instructor witnesses some bad behavior she will know the history. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mergath Posted February 22, 2013 Share Posted February 22, 2013 I'd give your dd some time to handle it on her own. I'd also work with her, practicing things to say and ways to stand up for herself. Mean people suck, but kids do need a little practice standing up for themselves. If your dd stands up to her and it gets worse, then I'd involve the teacher. And I agree with Diane. She's going to need a thick skin to continue on in ballet. She's going to have to learn to defend herself from this kind of thing at some point, or just learn how to let it roll off without bothering her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TranquilMind Posted February 22, 2013 Share Posted February 22, 2013 I have to say that I strongly disagree with that. Not necessarily with talking to the teacher, that's a judgement call.....but I think it's really wrong, and possibly very damaging, to label a kid a "bully" everytime they are jerky to another kid. Being a jerk does not make you a bully. Sometimes kids are just jerks. I think I agree with this. I wouldn't jump to her defense with the teacher until it is clear that she can't handle telling the girl to back off herself, after some coaching from me. And hey, I've seen Dance Moms. The teacher might not even care and tell her to suck it up! I don't know. But I'd teach my daughter how to tell bullies to back off. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ali in OR Posted February 22, 2013 Share Posted February 22, 2013 If I were the teacher I would want to know. There are some subtle things that I could do to minimize this behavior--positioning the girls for minimal interaction, being present in the hallway before class, de-emphasizing competitiveness between students while encouraging personal improvement, etc. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Remudamom Posted February 22, 2013 Share Posted February 22, 2013 I have to say that I strongly disagree with that. Not necessarily with talking to the teacher, that's a judgement call.....but I think it's really wrong, and possibly very damaging, to label a kid a "bully" everytime they are jerky to another kid. Being a jerk does not make you a bully. Sometimes kids are just jerks. I more than strongly disagree with you. The behavior described is in no way "jerky". It's bullying. Why in h3ll would you ignore something like that? I don't even care if this is the norm in the ballet world. Norm doesn't make right. How can you not have your kid's back? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sparrow Posted February 22, 2013 Share Posted February 22, 2013 I'm needing some wisdom on how to handle a situation that has suddenly started happening in Chipette's ballet class. A little background...Chipette just turned 9 in November, but she is already in the Ballet 5/pre-Pointe class at her dance studio. To put that in perspective for non-ballet parents she is definitely the youngest in the class since ages range from 15-11 years old. However, the ballet instructor sees some amazing natural talent in Chipette and the class is definitely where she needs to be. About three weeks ago, the ballet teacher told Chipette that she really wanted her to come on the Tuesday night class as well as the Thursday night class. The Ballet 5 class was offered both nights, but we could only afford the one class. The ballet teacher said not to worry about paying for the extra class, just bring her. Such an amazing blessing! She also told the other girls that were in the Tuesday only class to start coming on Thursdays as well. Once Chipette started going on Tuesday and the other girls started coming on Thursday is when she met her first mean girl. I'll call her Jane. Jane goes out of her way to make snide remarks to Chipette. She catches her alone on the stairs. She whispers mean things to her in class, etc. Jane is 11, so the youngest girl in the class before they merged. I know that it's all jealousy, but Chipette really has no idea what to do about it. She keeps telling me, "But Mom I never did anything to her!" Of course I talked to her about mean girls and how you don't have to do anything, they are just mean. So far Chipette is handling herself splendidly by not engaging her, ignoring her, it's definitely not making her anxious or upset. My dh thinks that I should let the ballet instructor know what is going on. My first instict is not to say anything. So far there hasn't been any threatening statements or bodily contact, just stupid, jealous, one up manship stuff. I don't want to be one of those mothers who the minute somebody is the least mean to their child they tell on them. Also, Chipette wants to be a professional ballerina and I don't think this will be her last encounter with mean girls! So what does the Hive say, tell the instructor now or let it ride until it becomes worse or effecting Chipette? If my mom had gone to the principal/instructor every time another girl did the bolded things above, she would have needed to spend half my childhood in their office. Many girls are mean. It sounds like Chipette is confident and has a good head on her shoulders. Why make her feel like she can't handle it when *she* feels like she can? My daughter knows I ALWAYS have her back, but I also trust her to handle things when she feels like she can. Chipette sounds more confident than my daughter was at 9, probably the ballet :), but now that dd has been actively involved in sports (starting at age 9!) she is very confident. I wish I had an activity that helped me build confidence at that age. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DianeW88 Posted February 22, 2013 Share Posted February 22, 2013 I more than strongly disagree with you. The behavior described is in no way "jerky". It's bullying. Why in h3ll would you ignore something like that? I don't even care if this is the norm in the ballet world. Norm doesn't make right. How can you not have your kid's back? Well, it sounds like her dd is handling it just fine. My dd would have been mortified if I'd gone to her teacher about something like snide comments from another (jealous) student. And to be honest, most ballet teachers (in a serious studio) will tell the child to suck it up and get used to it. My dd's artistic director used to say, "That means you're good sweetie." Artistic directors can't be bothered with pettiness among the dancers. If it's something that a student can't handle, then she needs to find something else to do. Ballet is ultra competitive, extremely subjective, with teachers who play favorites all the time, and you're judged constantly on your physical appearence. Nothing is "fair" about ballet, and it often brings out the worst in people. Mean girls are the least of a dancer's problems. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Word Nerd Posted February 22, 2013 Share Posted February 22, 2013 If my mom had gone to the principal/instructor every time another girl did the bolded things above, she would have needed to spend half my childhood in their office. Many girls are mean. It sounds like Chipette is confident and has a good head on her shoulders. Why make her feel like she can't handle it when *she* feels like she can? My daughter knows I ALWAYS have her back, but I also trust her to handle things when she feels like she can. Chipette sounds more confident than my daughter was at 9, probably the ballet :), but now that dd has been actively involved in sports (starting at age 9!) she is very confident. I wish I had an activity that helped me build confidence at that age. I agree. Your only options are not to 1. freak out and go immediately to the director with charges of bullying OR 2. ignore the situation entirely. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chelli Posted February 22, 2013 Author Share Posted February 22, 2013 Wow! You guys have helped me so much. I talked about it with dd and she said that she doesn't want me to say anything to the teacher. She said that she can ignore her, but if it gets worse than she will let me say something. I do think that it's coming strictly from a place of jealousy. This girl is sickeningly sweet to everyone else in the class except dd. If there is one thing I can say about Chipette she is confident in her abilities and another girl saying things like "I'm a better dancer because I'm older" or telling dd that "the only reason you're having fun in class is because you don't have pointe shoes yet (actually the teacher doesn't want dd to have pointe shoes because she's only 9)" and just yesterday she told her "You're hardly fit for this dance," talking about their spring recital performance. Diane, thank you so very much for your posts. I read them to dd and asked them if she was sure she could handle the ballet life and she said, "Bring it!" I know that it's 9 year old bravado, but we'll see. The Hive come through again! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted February 22, 2013 Share Posted February 22, 2013 Wow. :blink: All I can say is that, after reading about the "ballet life," I'm glad I have a ds who has no interest in dance. If I had a dd who was interested in ballet, she would probably handle it just fine, but I would be an emotional basketcase! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DianeW88 Posted February 23, 2013 Share Posted February 23, 2013 Wow. :blink: All I can say is that, after reading about the "ballet life," I'm glad I have a ds who has no interest in dance. If I had a dd who was interested in ballet, she would probably handle it just fine, but I would be an emotional basketcase! That's why you become a "drop off" mom. As in, you drop her off at the beginning of class and you pick her up at the end. My best advice for ballet moms....stay out of the drama. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DianeW88 Posted February 23, 2013 Share Posted February 23, 2013 This is what ballet is about and what it means to those who are passionate about it. My dd's teacher is the first one you see (briefly) at the very beginning of the trailer. This is an EXCELLENT film about ballet and I highly recommend it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sun Posted February 23, 2013 Share Posted February 23, 2013 This is what ballet is about and what it means to those who are passionate about it. My dd's teacher is the first one you see (briefly) at the very beginning of the trailer. This is an EXCELLENT film about ballet and I highly recommend it. It looks like that film is also available as an instant play on Netflix! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DianeW88 Posted February 23, 2013 Share Posted February 23, 2013 The entire film is on youtube, but I wasn't sure I could link a 1 1/2 hour movie here. LOL Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
violamama Posted February 23, 2013 Share Posted February 23, 2013 If she's going to be dealing with insecure mean girls her whole life, begin her real training now. Advise her to observe Jane. Have her try *complimenting* Jane's dance. Give her the idea that she might actually pretend to go along, asking Jane to help her with something, y'know, because she's just soooo experienced and older and talented, etc. These are life skills. Treating an insecure person well by giving them all the praise/respect/authority they are trying to grab can be transformative for both the insecure/mean person AND the one suffering at their hand. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
violamama Posted February 23, 2013 Share Posted February 23, 2013 ps. OP, it looks like you are a Christian. You can frame this all in that context for your daughter even at her young age. She can be a redemptive force even in this other girl's life. Many competitive fields need that- ballet included. What a privilege, and thank God she has you with your wing over her still, too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AKshanmar Posted February 23, 2013 Share Posted February 23, 2013 One of those hard mom things! Ugh. I can only advise, from personal experience that you never try to talk to the mean girl yourself. I once, decided that I needed to do this... I envisioned myself saying something like "It would be better if you were kinder." Instead, I turned into a bear, and in a harsh, bear sort of voice growled, "If you ever treat my son like that again, you will regret it." I had no idea that was going to come out of me. Really! My oldest girl was a mean girl magnet - but she just brushed it off.(Really quite amazing actually.) My youngest girl had very strong "mean girl" tendencies. We've talked a lot about it, and she is very aware of how she treats people. But in her interactions, people are always trying to please her. My son was a level 10 gymnasts, and also the youngest at his level for a long time. Boys aren't "mean" in the same snide and snarky way as girls. From the age of 6 to 14... one boy who was 2 years older, just bullied and bullied. Around the age of 8, Blake consistently beat him in competitions, but that just made it worse. We talked about it, and it made him mad, but he just dealt with it. My other son (he invoked the aforementioned mother bear) didn't know how to deal with such things. He handles them for sure, but in a much more explosive ways, ways that put him on the bleachers, ways that got him suspended from school, ways that make enemies. He quit hockey because of a bunch of seniors who were "jerks". Sigh. Give your daughter a couple of lines... when the girl questions her ability, she could say "I guess you need to talk to the teacher about that." or "Are you saying our teacher doesn't know what she is doing?" She isn't defending herself, and she isn't being mean, just turning it back around. Good luck! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nd293 Posted February 23, 2013 Share Posted February 23, 2013 When we met Mean Girl I asked dd if she wanted me to speak to the adult in charge. She chose to handle it herself. We worked through strategies, but I also assured her I would talk to the adult if she asked me to. Eventually we got to that point. I emailed the adult, and made it clear that I thought that there were two sides to every story, and asked her to please pay particular attention to the girls' interactions. She replied that they were already aware of issues with Mean Girl. Dd reported that Mean Girl was then called out on each incident of inappropriate behavior towards dd. After a couple of weeks Mean Girl left the activity. I guess being mean is only fun if you get away with it. For us, speaking to the adult had a good outcome. That said, if the adult had come back and suggested dd was in some way provoking Mean Girl or inciting the conflict, I would have been happy to proactively address that with dd. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommy22alyns Posted February 23, 2013 Share Posted February 23, 2013 Rebecca has had some very mild difficulties at her new gym. She came into the gym and went straight to team, whereas every other girl had been on preteam together. I've just helped her through it at home and not said anything to instructors because it's just not that serious. I know gymnastics can be brutal too, so unless it escalates, she just needs to start building up some strength to handle it. Sad but true. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.