amo_mea_filiis. Posted February 10, 2013 Share Posted February 10, 2013 The home you live in belongs to you. You are the only one to clean that home. You clean up after three males. You do the grocery shopping and unload everything by yourself. You shuffle the boys to and from school, activities, sports, and anything else they do. You bring the trash to the dump every month. You load that trash alone. You also work your a$$ off overnights in a nursing home. Why do you have to come home from work and stand outside screaming for someone to open the door?!?! It's YOUR house. If your husband will not allow you to have a key, kick him out! The husband works 4 days per week, 9-3, waddles home for lunch, and does NOTHING around the house. How do you allow him to run your life like this? Get a key for the home you own!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
C_l_e_0..Q_c Posted February 10, 2013 Share Posted February 10, 2013 Was that an answer to someone else? Or your own personal situation? If it's your house, change the locks and keep a key. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amo_mea_filiis. Posted February 10, 2013 Author Share Posted February 10, 2013 It's my neighbor. The abusive drunk. I truly do not understand how she has been with him for over TWENTY YEARS! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Χά�ων Posted February 10, 2013 Share Posted February 10, 2013 That's downright weird. Agree Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amo_mea_filiis. Posted February 10, 2013 Author Share Posted February 10, 2013 I know she doesn't like it. She says she has no options. The police will not do anything. I don't think she really wants the help or is afraid of change. Of course she could be scared of what he'd do if she stood up to him. She's left multiple times in the 2.5 years we've been here. SHE leaves and the house belongs to her! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trish Posted February 10, 2013 Share Posted February 10, 2013 Take the key while he is sleeping and make multiple copies? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amo_mea_filiis. Posted February 10, 2013 Author Share Posted February 10, 2013 Lock picking would be great! Lol. She literally stands outside SCREAMING for her younger boy to come open the door, sometimes for 10 minutes. Every single morning when there's no school, she's got to yell. The boys could get up and unlock the door before she gets home. The husband could lovingly allow his wife into her own home. Or, hey, she could use a key! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LaxMom Posted February 10, 2013 Share Posted February 10, 2013 I don't have a key to our house. Come to think of it, my husband probably doesn't either. One of us should, but... After years of having to install new deadbolts every time we go on vacation - because no one knows where the keys are - we installed a combination deadbolt on the kitchen door. Maybe she should do that. Or, you know, forcibly evict him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StartingOver Posted February 10, 2013 Share Posted February 10, 2013 Buy her a framing hammer, and she can go through the door. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LucyStoner Posted February 10, 2013 Share Posted February 10, 2013 Time for a keypad or combination lock. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pippen Posted February 10, 2013 Share Posted February 10, 2013 It's my neighbor. The abusive drunk. I truly do not understand how she has been with him for over TWENTY YEARS! Then the key is just one of many injustices she endures on a daily basis. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted February 10, 2013 Share Posted February 10, 2013 I don't have a key to get into my house. But I don't need a key. Your neighbor needs to get a backbone. Te example she is setting for her kids is horrible. The fact that none of her kids don't set an alarm and are awake to let her in is telling. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted February 10, 2013 Share Posted February 10, 2013 Quietly give her the number of a Woman's shelter or the DV hotline. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dandelion Posted February 10, 2013 Share Posted February 10, 2013 I don't think she really wants the help or is afraid of change. Of course she could be scared of what he'd do if she stood up to him. That would be my guess. Sounds like the whole "abuse dynamic" at work. Nothing is going to change until she gets so fed up that she finally stands up for herself (which may require her to get some outside help if she's been living in this dynamic for that many years). I can't relate to it, but I've heard enough about it to realize that some women in these situations just feel wholly incapable of changing anything, no matter how obvious the solution seems to everyone else. ETA: Just saw Jean's post. I agree. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mergath Posted February 10, 2013 Share Posted February 10, 2013 She needs to get the locks changed while he's at work. Then she can listen to him stand outside and scream for her to let him in. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amo_mea_filiis. Posted February 10, 2013 Author Share Posted February 10, 2013 She has the number and says she's tried to get help through victim's intervention program. I do believe that the police are not much help, but it is well known around here that a call to the state police will make the borough guys step up. I've given her my number, and said she could come by any time she needs. I help her shovel. I helped pull a pool liner down the block to a dumpster in the rain. I think I've been friendly enough and helpful enough for her to know I'm serious about her coming by. This guy is a chicken. While I'd never put myself or kids in danger, i have stood up to him and he backs off quickly. He continues to yell, but retreats to his house fast. I think his father has a connection to the police. This may be why she leaves and not him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mergath Posted February 10, 2013 Share Posted February 10, 2013 She has the number and says she's tried to get help through victim's intervention program. I do believe that the police are not much help, but it is well known around here that a call to the state police will make the borough guys step up. I've given her my number, and said she could come by any time she needs. I help her shovel. I helped pull a pool liner down the block to a dumpster in the rain. I think I've been friendly enough and helpful enough for her to know I'm serious about her coming by. This guy is a chicken. While I'd never put myself or kids in danger, i have stood up to him and he backs off quickly. He continues to yell, but retreats to his house fast. I think his father has a connection to the police. This may be why she leaves and not him. If she's been living in an abusive situation for that long though, she probably has an extremely poor self image and wouldn't want to bother you because she thinks she's not worth it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Elf Posted February 10, 2013 Share Posted February 10, 2013 That's messed up. I always feel sorry for women in that kind of situation who feel stuck. It's so unfair. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amo_mea_filiis. Posted February 10, 2013 Author Share Posted February 10, 2013 If she's been living in an abusive situation for that long though, she probably has an extremely poor self image and wouldn't want to bother you because she thinks she's not worth it. :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justasque Posted February 10, 2013 Share Posted February 10, 2013 Can you work through *him* to help at least solve this little problem? "Hi Bob, I'm heading out to the hardware store - do you want me to get an extra key made while I'm there, so Jane can get in when she gets home? I know it's hard to find time for those little errands!" "No really, it's no trouble, I'm getting a key made for myself anyway, might as well get one for you at the same time." "Oh, don't worry about the money, I found $1.50 in my pocket yesterday that I didn't know was there, it's my treat." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amo_mea_filiis. Posted February 10, 2013 Author Share Posted February 10, 2013 I would love to, but i don't see him being willing to hand me his house key. He doesn't drive, but keeps the keys to their 2 cars as well. So when it snows, she can only move the vehicle she'd been driving to shovel. She's not allowed a cell phone, either. He smashed the one she bought with her own money the day he found it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unicorn. Posted February 10, 2013 Share Posted February 10, 2013 She needs to get the locks changed while he's at work. Then she can listen to him stand outside and scream for her to let him in. :iagree: And set his packed bags out on the porch while she's at it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dandelion Posted February 10, 2013 Share Posted February 10, 2013 I would love to, but i don't see him being willing to hand me his house key. He doesn't drive, but keeps the keys to their 2 cars as well. So when it snows, she can only move the vehicle she'd been driving to shovel. She's not allowed a cell phone, either. He smashed the one she bought with her own money the day he found it. With each additional piece of information you're sharing, I'm becoming more concerned for this woman. :( He definitely sounds abusive. I'm glad you're there for her, and I hope you can find a way to put her in touch with people who can help her get out of this situation before it's too late. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eagle Posted February 10, 2013 Share Posted February 10, 2013 That is so very sad. :( And her boys are going to grow up with a warped image of marriage and a lack of respect for women. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SunnyDays Posted February 10, 2013 Share Posted February 10, 2013 I cannot imagine living like that. I'm glad that at least she knows you're there for her, even if she never comes to you for help. I really hope that someday, a straw breaks the camel's back, so to speak, and she stands up and says NO MORE. :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Remudamom Posted February 10, 2013 Share Posted February 10, 2013 She sounds like a woman on my horse board. She does nothing but complain about her husband and his mother. I mean for years. The ladies gave her good, loving advice. She ignored it. Finally we all got disgusted with her and told her to divorce him. She's been quiet for a while. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
regentrude Posted February 10, 2013 Share Posted February 10, 2013 The most important thing your neighbor needs is not a key to the house - it is counseling. She is in an abusive relationship, and the key is only a symptom. To an outsider, the behavior of a woman who remains in an abusive relationship or who keeps returning to her abuser makes absolutely no sense - it seems obvious what she needs to do. The issue is that the woman IN the relationship is unable to see things the same way as the outsider, because her relationship patterns are screwed up (often through growing up in a dysfunctional family of origin, with often abusive/alcoholic parents), and because she has a warped sense of self-worth. Advice from friends and neighbors, even though well meaning, is insufficient, because the women does not have the coping strategies necessary for a healthy and normal life. It is very sad, but there really is not much you can do - unless things get so bad that she is willing to seek professional help. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
regentrude Posted February 10, 2013 Share Posted February 10, 2013 He doesn't drive, but keeps the keys to their 2 cars as well. So when it snows, she can only move the vehicle she'd been driving to shovel. She's not allowed a cell phone, either. He smashed the one she bought with her own money the day he found it. Classical signs of abuse. And sadly, nothing you can do to help - unless SHE had enough and seeks out professional help. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lisbeth Posted February 10, 2013 Share Posted February 10, 2013 I admit to frustration when I hear stories like this My inner b is strong...no way, ever, would I live like that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robin M Posted February 10, 2013 Share Posted February 10, 2013 Question. Is he home at the time when she is doing all this yelling and screaming to be let in the the house? Maybe it is her way of payback to him. Question: With all this running around she does during the day and taking the kids here and there, do they leave the house unlocked while they are gone? I worked in dv division of district attorney's office way back when. It sounds like she isn't ready to get out and until she does, there isn't really anything anybody can do. Some people thrive on stress and like to complain without doing anything about it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amo_mea_filiis. Posted February 10, 2013 Author Share Posted February 10, 2013 At this point, why does he have power over her? What keeps her from doing something? She has friends, works full time, owns the house, is the only driver, and says they don't sleep together (in any way). She doesn't seem to like him, has never made excuses for him (not to me anyway), and never tries to stick up for him towards me or the police. I know none of us know her, so i just mean from an abuse standpoint. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amo_mea_filiis. Posted February 10, 2013 Author Share Posted February 10, 2013 Question. Is he home at the time when she is doing all this yelling and screaming to be let in the the house? Maybe it is her way of payback to him. Yes he's home. But if she's able to do it as a revenge thing, shouldn't she be able to stand up for herself? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MiniBlondes Posted February 10, 2013 Share Posted February 10, 2013 I haven't read all the responses but this is totally bizarre. My first thought was, "Call a locksmith and get a new lock. One that only YOU have a copy of." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
regentrude Posted February 10, 2013 Share Posted February 10, 2013 At this point, why does he have power over her? What keeps her from doing something? Low self-esteem. Fear. Belief that sanctity of marriage trumps her personal feelings and safety. Hope that if she sticks it out long enough she will be able to change him. Wanting to stay for the kids' sake. Inertia. Not believing that she can make a life on her own. any or all of the above. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robin M Posted February 10, 2013 Share Posted February 10, 2013 At this point, why does he have power over her? What keeps her from doing something? She has friends, works full time, owns the house, is the only driver, and says they don't sleep together (in any way). She doesn't seem to like him, has never made excuses for him (not to me anyway), and never tries to stick up for him towards me or the police. I know none of us know her, so i just mean from an abuse standpoint. This is just really odd because you say he's chicken and will back off when you say something. He's controlling and won't allow her to have a phone, the key, etc. However, he's not controlling enough to keep her from her friends or working. Most abusers control everything and would not put up with the yelling to be let into the house. That sort of thing would set most off and set the stage for an incident. She leaves but she comes back. It's unfortunately a very dysfunctional relationship, they have a very strange dynamic and sounds like both are equally emotionally abusive. It's harder to prove emotional abuse because it leaves no bruises or scaring. If she or he were hitting each other or the kids, now that is a different story. Domestic abuse services are always willing to help and the only reason it wouldn't work for her is because she keeps going back. The police are always willing to remove the abuser, unless the other person, her for example, refuses to press charges. Some states have a law that if the police are called out for a d.v. situation, they have a right to remove the other party, no matter what the spouse says. At this point, they are just pulling you into their drama and it doesn't sound she is willing to change. You've done the best you can. You want change, but they don't. Talk to her about the yelling thing, let her know its disturbing your peace and see if she's willing to make a change. If she's not willing to do something for herself, maybe she'll be willing to do something to keep the peace in the neighborhood. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Squiddles Posted February 10, 2013 Share Posted February 10, 2013 With each additional piece of information you're sharing, I'm becoming more concerned for this woman. :( He definitely sounds abusive. I'm glad you're there for her, and I hope you can find a way to put her in touch with people who can help her get out of this situation before it's too late. this... :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Reflections Posted February 10, 2013 Share Posted February 10, 2013 This is just really odd because you say he's chicken and will back off when you say something. Not really. I've had experiences like that with abusers as well. Outside of their own "castles" they are cowards and know that how they act is wrong - or at the very least is not socially acceptable. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrincessMommy Posted February 10, 2013 Share Posted February 10, 2013 You just gotta wonder what goes on in some people's minds. seriously. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hillfarm Posted February 10, 2013 Share Posted February 10, 2013 I guess for me, the bigger question is why in the world would she even want to go back into that house??? I'd let a man try that on me about...once. Then I would come home, try the knob, and if it was locked or no one answered my reasonable knock, I'd take myself and my earnings (not to mention my laundering, cleaning, child rearing and other skills) somewhere where the door was unlocked. I think in this situation, I'd quietly mention to the woman that if she ever decided to get out of that relationship and needed a ride to the women's shelter, to call and I'd be glad to take her there. I might even say, "It breaks my heart to hear what you have to go through to get into your own home each night." Then I'd leave it alone. Although most of us would consider her life misery, we don't know what she had before him. This might be a picnic to her. And interfering could potentially cause her a lot of turmoil when she is happy enough with what she has. Obviously she does have options to leave if she had the inclination, driving the car during the day, out alone at work, etc. The fact that she hasn't already left him indicates that there is something else holding her there. I have a neighbor in kind of a similar situation. She was raised in an orphanage. Her husband is a very strict, demanding, controlling type and I would never be able to be with someone like that without killing him or leaving him. However, the more we've gotten to know her, we have seen that she has very scattered thought patterns and pretty erratic behavior. Whether this is as a result of being basically a dependent all her life or whether she would have been this way regardless of who she married, I don't know. But I do know that when he is away on an extended trip, she kind of goes crazy and makes any number of bad decisions. It is bizarre to observe from the outside, but I can't tell whether he is her oppressor or her savior. But I also realize that it really isn't any of my business since she has ample opportunity to leave, should she choose to do so. It is hard to comprehend a relationship like theirs. Many's the time I've thought, buddy, if you were my husband, you would be waking up dead with a frying pan sized dent halfway through your head. Then other times, I've thought, my goodness, she would kill herself with her lack of judgement if he hadn't handed down so many rules. Strange situation.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amo_mea_filiis. Posted February 10, 2013 Author Share Posted February 10, 2013 I dont get involved beyond giving her a hand when i see her outside doing something, like the pool liner in the pouring rain. I've not even been here 3 years and she's been with him for 20. I do sometimes wonder if she's got some kind of control over him, but it doesn't seem that way. If she were the abuser, i cant imagine her allowing his crap. I also know nothing outside of what i see and hear. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Flowing Brook Posted February 10, 2013 Share Posted February 10, 2013 The ones I feel sorry for are the children. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bzymom Posted February 10, 2013 Share Posted February 10, 2013 At this point, why does he have power over her? What keeps her from doing something? She has friends, works full time, owns the house, is the only driver, and says they don't sleep together (in any way). She doesn't seem to like him, has never made excuses for him (not to me anyway), and never tries to stick up for him towards me or the police. I know none of us know her, so i just mean from an abuse standpoint. Fear. Abuse, mental and physical, is incapacitating. If you can never put your head down and sleep peacefully, that adds to the deterioration of your thought processes. When you live with it day in and day out, you can truly lose your mind. Looking from the outside, it certainly seems clear she should be able to put him out. But apparently that is not a possibility in her head. He may tell her what will happen when he gets out of jail, or finds her, and she knows well he means it. The police often are well-intentioned, but they cannot protect you 24/7. A shelter is a great alternative, but she is then walking away from her home, probably cannot safely continue at her job, and the fear of the unknown is huge. If her kids are living in this environment, they are unlikely to risk the wrath of opening the door for her. Be a friendly face. Keep reaching out a hand. You can be a reminder that there is a life outside the hell she lives in, and she may turn to you when she is ready to leap. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne in CA Posted February 10, 2013 Share Posted February 10, 2013 Clearly he is highly abusive and controlling. Could you take her to an al-annon meeting? ARMS (Abuse Recovery Ministries) is amazing, but I don't know if you have one where you live. ARMS is also really helpful for women who were taught as young women that it is ungodly to get a divorce. ARMS makes sure that women know God loves them more than that. Now, I know you are not religious, but she might have been at one time and that might be part of the problem. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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