********* Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 I just explained that I don't think it's safe to send dad home by himself, and that he needs to be in a nursing home. I got the contact info from mom, because I emailed her and told her I wanted it, and why I wanted it. She agrees dad would be better off in a nursing home, but she "feels her hands are tied". I have no idea what that means. Anyway, the social worker is looking into possibilities and getting back to us. It's hard to explain, but I have to tread carefully around my mother. I can only push so far, you know? I have to frame everything as thought I'm trying to do it to help *her*. If she felt I was suggesting she's not doing enough or whatever, then she'd just stop giving me information. So It's a crazy-inducing dance I lead these days. I know dad won't want to be in a nursing home. But really, it's the only safe option for him right now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 Praying for you and your dad :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AmyontheFarm Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 Sending hugs and prayers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Twigs Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ewe Mama Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 :grouphug: continuing in prayer.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QueenCat Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 Prayers continue here. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vonfirmath Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 Is it possible that, back in the past, your mom made promises to your dad and feels bound by those promises now? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tammyla Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 Prayers for you and your family. The case worker might have meant that your mother will have to be the one seeking placement or your dad. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 I'm glad that the social worker is looking into this for you. Nursing homes can be safe places to convalesce. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
G5052 Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 Sounds like you're on track. My dad didn't want to go to the nursing home either (no one that I've heard of ever does), but in the nursing home he got his medication on time, he got three square meals a day, he wore clean clothes, and they gave him a bath or shower every day. He was *not* getting that level of attention at home, even prior to his hospitalizations. Family friends who visited during that period said that he looked better than he had in years. Naturally I wish that I could have cared for him, but they lived thousands of miles away at the time and no way would my mother let him come here. As far as I know, she never knew that I had been pushing behind the scenes. She was busy looking into getting a hospital bed for home and such, and the social worker presented the nursing home as the doctor's recommendation (I had also faxed a letter to his doctor with my concerns). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NorthwestMom Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 :grouphug: :grouphug: You are doing great. I hope the social worker is able to advocate for your point of view. I totally agree with everything you have posted in regards to what your dad needs. Best wishes to all of you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heatherwith4 Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 :grouphug: Still praying. I pray you are able to make some progress. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J-rap Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 Thank goodness you're there to look out for your dad. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
2squared Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 Your mother may be worried about the cost of a nursing home. Have you discussed finances with either of them? A nursing home could quickly eat up all their savings. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
k2bdeutmeyer Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 Well....I'm glad you at least have someone helping you out. I'm so sorry it has come to this point, but....... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
besroma Posted January 31, 2013 Share Posted January 31, 2013 Praying for you and your dad, Bethany. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted January 31, 2013 Share Posted January 31, 2013 Anyway, the social worker is looking into possibilities and getting back to us. As soon as you get the names, rush right there and check them out. Bad nursing homes are fairly obvious: urine smell, people calling out, no staff around, food smells rank, dark, staff looks like they hate life and you in particular. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LMA Posted January 31, 2013 Share Posted January 31, 2013 Hugs to you. I know how hard it is. I'm thinking the social worker can't do anything if your dad doesn't want to go in. A person can't be forced to go into a nursing home unless there is a bad incident and a court order. It may not even be up to your mother. My friend's father has Alzheimer's at 62 and he wanders, but because nothing bad has happened, she cannot put him in a nursing home. Plus if your father goes in, your mother will be bearing the cost of the nursing home. so please keep that in mind. I'm very sorry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted January 31, 2013 Share Posted January 31, 2013 My sister found something that the state of WA called "family home care." This was a family who had most of their home adapted for disabled people (bathrooms w/pull bars, no carpet, wide doorways, etc.) and the woman who was on-sit had LVN certification while her mother-in-law was not a dietician but very experienced w/nutritional planning. They took my mom to her dr. appts., got up with her at night, did her laundry, made the meals and ate with her, took her blood sugars and tracked and dispensed her medications, even took her out to her bible study and to their daughters' school events if she wanted to go. It was much more personal than being in a nursing home facility, but the care was 24x7x365. It was also less costly than her assisted living facility + hiring the extra help she needed. They had only one other resident most of the time my mom was there, and they really invested in their clients. Perhaps you could find something like that for you dad? IME, these don't open up POP just the moment someone is getting out of a hospital. They screen their people, and my be reluctant if wife is a PIA. Nursing homes are more ebb and flo. There are good nursing homes. In my area all the MDs and SWs "know" them, and always aim there unless insurance is a problem. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pawz4me Posted January 31, 2013 Share Posted January 31, 2013 As soon as you get the names, rush right there and check them out. Bad nursing homes are fairly obvious: urine smell, people calling out, no staff around, food smells rank, dark, staff looks like they hate life and you in particular. You can also go to Medicare's website and review their ratings of each facility. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Just Kate Posted January 31, 2013 Share Posted January 31, 2013 Praying for you and your family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted January 31, 2013 Share Posted January 31, 2013 :grouphug: I wish I had something intelligent to say. :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GoVanGogh Posted January 31, 2013 Share Posted January 31, 2013 She agrees dad would be better off in a nursing home, but she "feels her hands are tied". I have no idea what that means. Whose hands are tied? The social worker or your mom? (I am sorry, I didn't catch who the 'she' refers to.) Social worker - could be insurance issues/doesn't qualify, bed availability, dad doesn't want to go, mom doesn't want him to go. Mom - could be insurance issues/doesn't qualify, bed availability, she promised your dad he wouldn't go back, she doesn't want him in a nursing home. There are many reasons why someone is better off in a nursing home, but they go home instead. My heart has been breaking for you ever since this started. :grouphug: We went through something similar with a parent about this time last year. It was a nightmare. Insurance wouldn't pay for the hospital after six weeks, so they had to discharge them somewhere. Parent flat out refused to go to a nursing home. In face, said parent ripped up the papers and threw them in the doctor's face. Then parent was released home and fell trying to get up the stairs into the house. Even then, they still wouldn't go into a nursing home. It is so hard to see our parents go through this. But the truth is you can't force them to do anything they don't want to do. It is emotional and exhausting to watch. I am so sorry you are going through this! Hugs and prayers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrincessMommy Posted January 31, 2013 Share Posted January 31, 2013 I'm glad you were able to talk with her. I hope there's some viable option available for your dad. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EmilyK Posted January 31, 2013 Share Posted January 31, 2013 Hey, I haven't read all your threads, but I wanted to point out that your parents may not be able to afford nursing home care -- mine couldn't. If the patient isn't improving pretty substantially, it isn't seen by Medicare and insurance as a medical issue, but rather a custodial care situation. It is then not covered by insurance -- private pay. In the case of my family, my father had too much pension to qualify for Medicaid -- you really have to have very little to qualify for Medicaid, and many older people have too much in savings or in income. If he had gone to a nursing home, however, the cost of the nursing home would have consumed all my mother's income. We were faced with some terrible choices -- him going home, and muddling along with family care and some paid caregivers (which is what happened), my husband and I paying out of pocket, which most can't do, and had my husband freaked out, or my mother going overnight from a decent life in a 2000 square foot home to get rid of all her stuff and moving in with us and being completely dependent on us financially. It was hugely stressful. My mother mostly shut down. I felt a lot of the burden on me. So I feel your pain. Could this be what your mother means, but doesn't want to discuss? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PollyOR Posted January 31, 2013 Share Posted January 31, 2013 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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