Please help me with this ethical dilemma

[Scarlett]

About 2 years ago, a friend of mine made mention of a woman at work who was going around telling people that she was seeing a married man whose wife was terminally ill. Said married man was about to come into some money from a law suit and she was sort of bragging that this money would be hers because as soon as the wife died they would be together. My friend gave me no names---only related the situation and told me how disgusted everyone at work was about it.

 

Well, I didn't think too much of it, but one day I was listening to the radio with my friend and there was a report of that lawsuit being settled and of course names were given. Friend says, 'that's him! That's that guy having an affair with my co-worker!' Well, I felt a sick pit in my stomach because terminally ill wife is my friend. I had not made the connection before even though I knew about the lawsuit and all because the friend telling the story didn't have the detail correct of who was being sued. And certainly I wasn't thinking in terms of my friend's dh having an affair!

 

So I didn't know what to do. At that time I knew my friend's dh was working a lot and never home and he was not being very nice to her. So it wasn't a far leap for me to believe this to be true. However, it was just gossip. My friend (who told me the gossip) certainly did not want to be dragged into the middle of it, and I had no proof. Also, on top of all of that, my friend is indeed terminal and she is very sick. It is not cancer, but rather a lung disease that will eventually kill her....and well, I didn't tell. I asked a few trusted advisers what they would recommend and no one felt for sure what was THE right thing to do.

 

Fast forward and my ill friend's husband has left her. He has been gone for 2 1/2 months and she just now told me. She 'feels' there might be someone else, but he won't admit it. He also won't try to work things out, or divorce her. He is giving her limited money, but not enough for her to continue maintaining the house. So she feels a little 'stuck', not sure what to do....and don't forget she is ill.

 

I am so upset!!!! I just dont know what to do. Should I tell now? Should I tell how I heard it and when I heard it? Will she hate me for not telling her 2 years ago? I still dont have proof, so should I just keep quiet and let things progress on their own? What makes me so sick about this is I feel like he was just hanging on waiting for her to die and he just couldn't wait it out any more. Of course, I can't read his heart, but it looks horrible to me.

 

Please give me some advice. I am so sad and mad at myself and afraid she will be angry if she finds out I withheld info from her for 2 years.

[LizzyBee]

I have never been in this situation, so I have no idea what I would do. But one thing I've heard friends say they have done or would do is to go to the husband, tell him that you know and that if he doesn't tell his wife the truth within 24 hours (or whatever time frame you deem appropriate), you will, because she deserves to know the truth.

 

ETA: A few years ago, a woman in NC successfully sued the "other woman" for aliention of affection. If you think that's something your friend would consider, I'd mention it to her.

[G5052]

Of course I'd pick a time when she's relatively even emotionally and physically, but she needs to know what you know, even though you still don't know for sure. Stress that you really didn't make the connections until recently, and you're still not 100% sure that all the dots are connected but that it sure seems so.

 

It sounds like she may need legal help in the not too distant future to ensure her financial health, and she will need to tell her lawyer what she suspects and who is involved. Chronic illness only gets more expensive, and her financial needs are not going to go away. If he has money, she deserves and needs to get reasonable support from him.

[shell in SC]

I say this half jokingly but. . .

 

can she hire a PI? Then she would know for sure if there is someone else. That way you don't have to fess up to something that you don't know with any certainty. If he is stepping out on her and she has that kind of proof, SHE can push for the divorce and will be in a better position to get the kind of money she needs to keep her home and not have to worry about medical care.

 

?????

 

shell

[elegantlion]

:grouphug::grouphug: What a situation to be in, I'm sorry you feel stuck in the middle of it. I'm thinking as I type so this might sound jumbled.

 

1. you had no proof, you would have been spreading gossip if you had told her before.

 

2. I understand about not wanting to hurt your friend further.

 

3. If you have any relationship with her husband, I would challenge him to his face. He's being a coward and I think a few other things by not telling her the truth.

 

4. I can't comprehend how painful it must be to watch someone you love be ill, but that doesn't excuse his behavior.

 

5. Unless you have proof you are only spreading hearsay, now.

 

If it were me, I would call dh and challenge him to tell her the truth. Then I would be there for my friend.

 

Again, I'm sorry you are having to deal with this. :grouphug:

[shell in SC]

GVA said it so much better than I did. . .I always come off snarky, but that's never my intention!

[Rhondabee]

I wouldn't confront the dh directly. I would be afraid if he was tipped off that someone knew the when's, where's and who's involved, then your dear friend will *never* be able to get proof of an affair. Without such proof, I would think it would be very hard to get a fair financial settlement if she did sue for divorce.

 

I think it would be best to tell dear friend, help her find a really good lawyer, and let said experienced lawyer determine how best to "catch" the dh.

 

Of course, all I have is indirect experience. But, I do have one dear friend whose husband absolutely refuses to sign the papers, and never will because without a court order to support her, she is at his (very cruel) financial mercy.

 

Prayers for you and your dear friend!

Rhonda

[Scarlett]

I wouldn't confront the dh directly. I would be afraid if he was tipped off that someone knew the when's, where's and who's involved, then your dear friend will *never* be able to get proof of an affair. Without such proof, I would think it would be very hard to get a fair financial settlement if she did sue for divorce.

 

I think it would be best to tell dear friend, help her find a really good lawyer, and let said experienced lawyer determine how best to "catch" the dh.

 

Of course, all I have is indirect experience. But, I do have one dear friend whose husband absolutely refuses to sign the papers, and never will because without a court order to support her, she is at his (very cruel) financial mercy.

 

Prayers for you and your dear friend!

Rhonda

 

To those of you who suggested confronting the dh...I think in some cases I would do that. However, I have no relationship with him, AND I believe him to be very arrogant.

 

Rhonda I don't know where you live, but why can't your friend get a legal separation or separate maintenance order? I ask, because here in AR I am almost positive she can get a legal separation without filing for divorce that will allow a judge to force division of assets and order dh to support his wife. He is in the legal field...a lawyer wanna be..but he knows enough to make her feel stupid although she certainly is NOT.

 

I agree she needs legal help. I told her that in our very brief conversation yesterday.

[Scarlett]

GVA said it so much better than I did. . .I always come off snarky, but that's never my intention!

 

 

You weren't snarky at all. I did think of a PI, but I'm not sure she has the money. When I recommended a lawyer she asked me if they charge a consult fee, so I'm thinking she might not have the money. Well, she did indeed tell me that he wasn't giving her enough to make it.

[runninmommy]

If it were me, I would want to know the information, even if you have no proof. I would expect my friends to be honest with me, even if it would hurt. This is such a hard situation to be in but I think you need to be open and honest with her. It sounds like she needs someone on her side. This is so sad. Good luck hon..

[Peek a Boo]

You weren't snarky at all. I did think of a PI, but I'm not sure she has the money. When I recommended a lawyer she asked me if they charge a consult fee, so I'm thinking she might not have the money. Well, she did indeed tell me that he wasn't giving her enough to make it.

 

Depending on the state [community property?], she may be able to get a credit card, charge everything, and then win court costs --including the PI and attorney bills on the cc. If her dh came into a lot of money, there should be little problem getting an attorney to take her case and nab the dh.

 

i would tell her and go to an attorney's office w/ her. You don't have proof, so you need to GET proof. I also agree that's why I wouldn't bother w/ confronting the dh.

can it do anything to help her emotionally? maybe, but probably not.

financially? yeah.

to establish a bit of consequential justice [as opposed to revenge]? yup.

[newbie]

If it were me, I would want to know the information, even if you have no proof. I would expect my friends to be honest with me, even if it would hurt. This is such a hard situation to be in but I think you need to be open and honest with her. It sounds like she needs someone on her side. This is so sad. Good luck hon..

 

I agree with Camille, I would tell her, you dont have to go back so far. It will alay her fears and finally cut the relationship and get the divorce , so he can pay her more.

 

If I was in her shoes, I would definitely want my friends telling me. I would never blame them, and would thank them for the info.

 

Jet

[Mom to Aly]

You shouldn't feel guilty--it was just hearsay--and she was ill. What if you had told her, it turned out not to be true, she would have always wondered, and her faith in her hubby would have been shattered...

 

She does need to file a separation motion--any good lawyer she sees will not charge for a consult, and then fees will be charged to the hubby, and she should get at least half of all money and good maintenance, especially if she is terminally ill, and if there is a history of her being supported and not working.

 

In addition, if he has been having an affair, and if anyone wants to let it be known to him that they know, that can help, or it can be brought into court, unless it is a no fault state. I think she should be told at this point, and she doesn't have to be told how long you have known, because you couldn't be sure before.

 

So sorry for all of you this had to happen.

[bettyandbob]

if there are children she needs to act so that their interests are protected.

 

I guess the way I'm reading this is that the husband is the beneficiary of the lawsuit.

 

I think the woman should be told be helped to find out. Since her husband left, does she have copies of any financials? If she could get copies of all bills for the last year she'd have a telling picture. Scrutinizing credit card bills and bank withdrawals can make it very clear. My sister figured out her husband's affair by reviewing old cell phone bills. You could find a time to gently tell her you'd heard rumors, but maybe it would be better to do this research before jumping to any conclusions.

 

If she is in financial need, contact a woman's shelter to get names of advocacy groups that provide legal, financial, and psychological counseling on a sliding scale fee based on need.

 

After she figures it out she needs help putting together the financials for a divorce. She also needs a good friend. She may be entitled to half of the proceeds of the lawsuit. Depending on how long they've been married she may be entitled to more substantial support. If she has children, won't have to use all the money she's entitled to she can set up a trust account for their benefit (with a different administrator than their father). That way the other woman won't get ahold of money for the children.

[Pajama Mama]

What a slimeball. Actually both of them are disgusting-the husband and the other woman. Joking and planning on the money they'll get when she dies. He probably left your friend because she didn't die fast enough for him. I would tell her what you know and help her find a good lawyer that will nail him to the wall. I usually wouldn't recommend finding a shark of a lawyer but in your friend's case she needs one. Please tell me they don't have any kids together. That would make this scenario even more sad.

[Remudamom]

I'd want to tell her so she could take measures to protect herself. Don't tip him off. I don't think she should be mad at you..........you weren't sure, didn't know.

[WyoSylvia]

I agree with so many of the other posters - tell her. Your fear and guilt, while understandable, has to take a back seat to her welfare. She actually might get mad at you, but that might be more because you will be the messenger of this terrible news. Be her true friend, protect her and help her to find a lawyer.

[Mom2GirlsTX]

You need to tell her in my opionion, especially given the fact that he is being stingy with financial support. I do not see his attitude improving, but most likely will get worse. She needs legal advice now, and she should not confront him with anything until after she talks with an attorney. My sister had a horrible ex husband and her divorce was in Arkansas, and he failed to pay alimony, etc. I hired an excellent law firm for her in Little Rock and they prevailed in her case. I remember her attorney telling me that Arkansas is one state that favors the wife, especially in cases of adultry.

If she does need a PI, at least you could give the PI the name of the adultress. I feel very bad for your friend.

[Scarlett]

Yikes!!! She just called me. She talked to me for about 45 minutes, asking my opinion of legal separation and separate maintenance. After she told me a few more of the details I BEGGED her to hang up and call an attorney. She has been carrying him for years financially and she is pretty sure he is hiding money. He also won't sell the house that she can't afford to keep.

 

They do have 2 boys together but both are of age---barely. Both are going off to college this fall.

 

I am hoping that a legal separation will allow her to sell the house so she can go and buy something on her own that she can afford.

 

Thanks everyone. I still haven't decided to tell her what I know. She already seems sure he is seeing other women, but she acts like she thinks he is seeing LOTS of women...and if that is the case, I'm not sure he is even still seeing the one whose name I know. In fact, if they are now broken up maybe she would tell my friend if she was seeing him? I dont know.

 

At this point the other woman issue seems almost secondary to the legal protection I feel she needs.

[Ashleen]

I would definitely tell her. I would tell her the whole story. How could you have told her a few years ago when you didn't know names? She can't be mad at you for not passing along gossip that you didn't know was about her dh. But now that you do know, she needs to know this and she needs a lawyer.:grouphug:

[Ashleen]

Also, I would definitely and for sure not tell the slimeball husband that you know. That will just tip him off and give him more time to hide his tracks. Especially if she thinks he's hiding money, she needs to be able to get everything she has together before showing her hand.

[Scarlett]

I would definitely tell her. I would tell her the whole story. How could you have told her a few years ago when you didn't know names? She can't be mad at you for not passing along gossip that you didn't know was about her dh. But now that you do know, she needs to know this and she needs a lawyer.:grouphug:

 

Just to clear this up, I HAVE known the name for 2 years. And I was pretty sure 2 years ago it was the truth, BUT it was third hand info, and the person who passed it along to me wasn't intending to gossip...only musing over an icky office situation..I mean a few weeks passed between me first hearing the story and then putting the pieces together that my ill friend's dh was the cheater being referred to.

[Jackie in AR]

I'll pray for this whole situation, Scarlett.

[Rhondabee]

This is a relatively new friend from church, who has recently recovered from cancer, is living on some sort of government assistance that will end when/if she gets any sort of job, yet she seems to have very few marketable skills....

 

At any rate, she can't even afford the roof over her head, so she was hoping for a non-contested divorce. There is no money for a lawyer of any sort. (I guess pro-bono cases only happen on tv?) Beyond that...well, given my propensity to try to "save people from themselves", I try to help as I can without getting too involved. I will ask her, though, when the opportunity presents itself.

 

Thanks, and good luck!

=)

Rhonda

 

 

 

To those of you who suggested confronting the dh...I think in some cases I would do that. However, I have no relationship with him, AND I believe him to be very arrogant.

 

Rhonda I don't know where you live, but why can't your friend get a legal separation or separate maintenance order? I ask, because here in AR I am almost positive she can get a legal separation without filing for divorce that will allow a judge to force division of assets and order dh to support his wife. He is in the legal field...a lawyer wanna be..but he knows enough to make her feel stupid although she certainly is NOT.

 

I agree she needs legal help. I told her that in our very brief conversation yesterday.

[Scarlett]

This is a relatively new friend from church, who has recently recovered from cancer, is living on some sort of government assistance that will end when/if she gets any sort of job, yet she seems to have very few marketable skills....Rhonda

 

Ah I see. Well, my friend is on her way to the lawyers office as we speak. :) I am glad of that. If she can get this financial situation under control, I think she will feel a lot better.

[Joanne]

She needs to know just based on the possibility of STD's, never mind all the other issues that are also compelling reasons to tell her you're possible knowledge.

[Mrs Mungo]

I agree with Ashleen that I would not tell the husband I knew in this situation. I would tell my friend what I knew.

[Mom2GirlsTX]

I am so glad she is seeing an attorney! Let us know what she finds out.

[Murphy101]

Or at least tell her you think there is someone and has been for many years and she shoudl hire someone to find out.

 

#1 That woman should get that money for HER care. It sounds like he's been a royal jerk for some time and the least she deserves is to die cared for and enjoying what life as left for her. Not scraping by on the pennies he tosses while waiting for her die knowing that scum lives it up and plans to party on her grave.

 

#2 I would advise her to get one mean attorney and have him get her a PI. And I would advise her to not tell a bit of that to her dratted excuse for a husband.

 

#3 Tell her you will support her 100% no matter what she decides to do or not do.

 

That just stinks all around. Oh and my advice would be the same if it was a dying guy with a cheating money-grubbing wife.:mad::boxing_smiley:

[Scarlett]

She needs to know just based on the possibility of STD's, never mind all the other issues that are also compelling reasons to tell her you're possible knowledge.

 

She already firmly believes he is cheating on her. He does a lot of work for a lot of young immigrant women who think he is their savior and she thinks he has carried on with many of them, BUT she has not tried to verify this or anything. I am the kind of woman who would HAVE to prove this suspicion to myself one way or the other. I think normally she would be too, but she is ill.

 

The information I got 2 years ago was something my other friend heard from a work mate who may or may not have been told directly by the other woman. It was the rumor going around. The rumor was the OW didn't even try to hide her involvement with the married man (my ill friend's husband).

 

So you would repeat that? It just seems so...gossip like. Since he may not even be seeing her still (although I dont believe he is being faithful) will this do anything to help my friend or will it mostly just make her feel stupid for not knowing something that had likely been going on for 2 years or more? Well, she already thinks he has been nutso acting for several years. I don't know. Clearly I keep going back and forth.

 

She did see the lawyer yesterday and although the lawyer lacked people skills I think she made my friend feel better all around. I was correct about several of the things I thought as far as the legals...for instance, once they are legally separated she can conduct business on her own without worrying about him and she can get her share of marital assets.

 

It is very complicated financially and she only wants to be able to support herself---she isn't really interested in getting all she might be due even because she thinks he has hidden assets and is a real slimball (I think that was Ashleens word and I like it. :)) So that will work to her advantage because he might let things move legally more smoothly if she lets him alone with all the other stuff out there. Also, less discovery will mean less lawyer fees.

 

I don't know if any of you have ever been accused of something that you didn't do, but I have. That is part of the reason I keep trying to decide whether I should tell or not, because I have NO ACTUAL PROOF. One time when I was pregnant with my ds, the wife of my dh's co-worker (who had met me ONE time) told her husband that she saw me in the waiting room of a car dealership making out with a tall dark headed man in a suit. It just so happens that a) it is the dealership where I had my car serviced and b) a tall dark headed man that I worked with had been hitting on me regularly for years. However, there was absolutely zero truth to this claim. It was told many many months AFTER she supposedly saw me there and so I had no way to even begin to prove it wasn't true. My poor dh....I know he doubted me! And although the accusation made ME angry I had the advantage of knowing the truth. Poor dh though...I know he suffered with that because what if it WAS true and he was living with a liar? You see? However, the difference in this situation is she already has serious doubts and her dh HAS left her....so again I'm back to thinking I probably should tell her what I heard.

 

Whew. Can you all see the spinning that has been going on in my head about this? I thank you all for your help and welcome further thoughts, comments and suggestions.

[Nestof3]

Yes, she needs to know. She'll understand why you didn't say anything sooner.

[Kathy in MD]

....

She did see the lawyer yesterday and although the lawyer lacked people skills I think she made my friend feel better all around. I was correct about several of the things I thought as far as the legals...for instance, once they are legally separated she can conduct business on her own without worrying about him and she can get her share of marital assets.

 

It is very complicated financially and she only wants to be able to support herself---she isn't really interested in getting all she might be due even because she thinks he has hidden assets and is a real slimball (I think that was Ashleens word and I like it. :)) So that will work to her advantage because he might let things move legally more smoothly if she lets him alone with all the other stuff out there. Also, less discovery will mean less lawyer fees.

.....

 

Something she might also consider is does she want their children to recieve an inheritance from the assets she and her husband have built up over the years? If so, she might want to ask for more.

 

Yes, I know that the children don't have a right to expect something and that many, many people don't inherit anything. But from your post I doubt if the husband is the type to help his kids when they truly need help. And how much longer will she be around to help even with advice? And does she want the other women to waste what might help her children go to grad school or buy their first home?

 

Now if this would put her under to much stress, it wouldn't be worth it. But she might want to consider it during this stage.

 

I forgot to mention about attorneys that lack people skills. I used to know a small business owner who said he didn't like his attorney -- the attorney was a mean ________, but when my friend had legal problems, there was no one that he rather have dealing with his opponent.

[Scarlett]

I told her. Sigh. She isn't angry at me at all for keeping it from her for 2 years or for telling her now. She has called me several times and talked for hours each time. She believes it. It has the ring of truth to it.

 

She confronted him night before last. And she said the look on his face was priceless. She said there was a moment of total surprise and 'deer in the headlights' look before his arrogant self returned and he regained his composure. He denied, denied, denied. However, she doesn't believe him. In fact, he claims to not want a divorce. I'm not sure how there could be reconciliation if he won't be honest about what he has done/is doing.

 

She said not 24 hours before I first called her she had been up all night pacing the floor and praying for guidance and for the truth to be revealed to her one way or the other. So she views my phone call to her as an answer to her prayer. :crying:

 

Today she is seeking council from a spiritual adviser and I hope she can bring herself to take some action to protect herself legally.

 

Oh and he is threatening to sue me (although she didn't reveal my identity) for slander. I imagine he will figure out it is me though by going through cell phone records and making a connection to where the OW was working at the time. I've given my friend who first told me this story a heads up and the two of us have decided to just not discuss this with the husband at all. We have no obligation to do so. Plus, my betrayed friend thinks he is just full of bull and won't contact me because a)He is chicken and b) What I told is true.

 

He works in the legal field and thinks he is 'all that'.

[Scarlett]

Yes, she needs to know. She'll understand why you didn't say anything sooner.

 

 

You were right. She said God knows how much she could stand to know at any given time. :crying:

[Mom2GirlsTX]

You did the right thing Scarlett, and I hope your friend will get legal counsel to represent her. This guy sounds like a piece of work:tongue_smilie:

I imagine he is pretty shocked to find out he is not be as smart as he thought he was.

[Peek a Boo]

In fact, he claims to not want a divorce. I'm not sure how there could be reconciliation if he won't be honest about what he has done/is doing.

 

--

He works in the legal field and thinks he is 'all that'.

 

ooooooh Lord--

get a mean shark of an attorney to represent her!

otherwise she'll get raked over the coals. I used a nice attorney for a trial once.

Once.

 

he doesn't want a divorce cuz he KNOWS he'll end up w/ the short end of the stick.

he's not interested in reconciliation --he's interested in keeping his ASSets intact.

 

good luck to you all.

 

{{well, maybe except him ;) }}

[ma23peas]

He seems to have some narcissistic personality traits, you did a blessing for your friend and hopefully it will strengthen her resolve to get a good attorney, and make sure she and if they have any children are provided for. It's terrifying, but you might want to inform her to gain access while she can to his phone records/email accounts/credit card statements...she can start the trail now while she's strong.

 

Will be praying!

Tara

[Scarlett]

Update two: He is breathing threat and murder. Claims to have spent 8 hours 'researching' and knows it is I who told her. He also claims to have called the work place of the friend who first told me and spoke with human resources about my friend spreading rumors. Honestly, he has me a little rattled...I know his threats are most likely just big bluffs, but in this sue happy world I know anyone can sue anyone for anything.

 

If *I* had heard the gossip first hand, I would be inclined to call him up and say, 'yeah, I heard it, I told your wife, now what big shot?' But it involves my friend who really needs to hold on to the job.....well, really it is crazy to think the cheating husband called anyone...he is just making carp up to rattle me and my friend. He hasn't called me OR the friend that he claims to know told me about it. So I think he is one big bully.

 

I think she is close to filing...she is still working on some stuff...and she'd like to track down the OW and ask her directly.

 

Someone please just tell me not to worry about this crazy man's threats. :tongue_smilie:

[Twinmom]

I would love to tell you he's bluffing and blustering (and he may well be), but I have to say that I think you should be very careful. You have done nothing wrong, but he's in a very bad place and you never know what someone may do. Please avoid all contact with him, via phone, in person, by email, etc., particularly once she has filed. When someone is desperate, sometimes they do things that are out of character. If he makes any direct threat against you, call the police and get a restraining order, ASAP. Don't cut him any slack.

 

Be safe,

[Mrs Mungo]

I would love to tell you he's bluffing and blustering (and he may well be), but I have to say that I think you should be very careful. You have done nothing wrong, but he's in a very bad place and you never know what someone may do. Please avoid all contact with him, via phone, in person, by email, etc., particularly once she has filed. When someone is desperate, sometimes they do things that are out of character. If he makes any direct threat against you, call the police and get a restraining order, ASAP. Don't cut him any slack.

 

Be safe,

 

I agree. Stay strong. :grouphug:

[Pink Fairy]

:grouphug:Ick, ick, ick!! I guess no good deed goes unpunished when you are dealing with an arrogant, philandering jerk. :grouphug:

 

I agree--don't take it too lightly, people do strange things when they feel cornered. Especially because nothing is EVER their own fault or responsibility.

[Scarlett]

My friend has independent confirmation of the affair! Yeah!!! Tonight she went to see the OW!!! Wow. THAT was brave of her. OW confirmed the affair and told her many many things that will be helpful in the settlement.

 

Even before she went to see the OW tonight she had independent confirmation of the affair. So my friend and I are off the hook as far as being involved in any sort of slander suit and/or the divorce proceedings. The husband had been threatening to sue me (although he had no real proof it was I that told my friend about the affair) and although I was 99.9% sure it was a bluff I was a tad nervous.

 

I think he will fold quickly. He has too much to lose...he won't fight her.

[WTMCassandra]

Wow. What a drama. What a roller-coaster ride! Ugh. But I applaud you for doing the right thing, even though it most definitely was NOT the easy or fun thing.

[mommylawyer]

I admit that I haven't read the previous posts, so I apologize in advance if I'm repeating something someone already said.

 

I don't think you need to tell her what you heard 2 years ago, even if you did just have the rumor confirmed and the parties identified recently. It won't do your friend any good to know that the affair has been going on for so long. She has already lost her husband, she may feel as though she's lost a friend, too (by your knowing and not telling her - she may perceive it that way).

 

I think your friend needs to seek a divorce, especially if she has children. The money that will come after her death needs to be for the benefit of someone who loved her and cared for her during her life, not a deadbeat cheat of a husband. Even if she doesn't get a divorce, she should at least change all of the beneficiaries on any insurance policies, wills, etc., that she has. If she has minor children, she needs to set up trusts for those minor children so that their interests will be protected and money for their benefit will not be squandered by husband and his girlfriend. Also, a guardian or trustee will need to be appointed to protect the money - and that person should NOT be the husband, if at all possible.

 

If your friend gets a divorce, given the circumstances, she may be entitled to alimony, property, etc. Also, a divorce will keep any death benefits from falling into the husband's hands.

 

Good luck to you in your decision and your friend in hers!

[Scarlett]

I don't think you need to tell her what you heard 2 years ago, even if you did just have the rumor confirmed and the parties identified recently. It won't do your friend any good to know that the affair has been going on for so long. She has already lost her husband, she may feel as though she's lost a friend, too (by your knowing and not telling her - she may perceive it that way).

 

Too late. The beginning of this thread was me asking for advice on whether I should tell her or not. I did tell her. She is not angry at me for keeping it from her for 2 years....she believes with all her heart that her prayers were answered when I called her recently and told her. She told me she had been up all night pacing the floor and praying for God to reveal to her what she needed to know in order to make the decisions she should make. Within 24 hours I called her. Also, just yesterday she told me that there are several compelling reasons why finding out now as opposed to 2 years ago is better for her. Some of them are financial reasons and some are emotional. She keeps telling me that I did nothing wrong. She is being so gracious to me and it is helping me to endure my own guilt and confusion.

 

I think your friend needs to seek a divorce, especially if she has children. The money that will come after her death needs to be for the benefit of someone who loved her and cared for her during her life, not a deadbeat cheat of a husband. Even if she doesn't get a divorce, she should at least change all of the beneficiaries on any insurance policies, wills, etc., that she has. If she has minor children, she needs to set up trusts for those minor children so that their interests will be protected and money for their benefit will not be squandered by husband and his girlfriend. Also, a guardian or trustee will need to be appointed to protect the money - and that person should NOT be the husband, if at all possible.

 

Their 2 children are grown (barely). Both off to college this fall. She has filed for divorce. She is busy with paperwork making all changes she can make. He had her power of attorney for 18 months and she is a bit concerned about what he did during that time...but much of that doesn't really matter unless he decides to fight her in court over her requested terms. Terms which are not unreasonable and I think he will agree to in order to keep the courts out of his business and personal affairs.

 

If your friend gets a divorce, given the circumstances, she may be entitled to alimony, property, etc. Also, a divorce will keep any death benefits from falling into the husband's hands.

 

My understanding is that he could have a life insurance policy on her that she doesn't even know about. :confused: Also, she has a life insurance policy on him that she has paid faithfully, but when she went to make a change to how it was being paid (she had to shut down bank accounts) she discovered HE was the owner of it and she can't control the policy at all.

 

There is good reason to believe that he is hiding more money than he is not hiding. However, her biggest concern is to have some peace during her last days of life....if he will let things go through as she has requested she won't fight to find every last dime or to fight to ruin him the way she could.

 

She talked to the OW for over 2 hours last night and then went to my parents house (they live very close by). She stayed there with them until late and I think she is ok. She got the closure she needed because he has been denying the affair and making her believe she is crazy and her friends (that would be me) are just slanderers. The affair went on for at least 2 years. It ended only when the OW ended it. And the OW said she would tell the truth in court if necessary.

[cin]

How horrible to live out your last days FIGHTING the very person you thought would support and walk along side you. My heart is breaking for your friend.

 

She will need to be very careful with the paperwork. He may have made changes under the guise of her illness. Oh, I do hope she can live out her days in peace, despite the fact that this had to happen.