How have extended family members' pets affected your holiday celebration participation?

[Seasider]

We are navigating some new situations here... fur shedding pets in homes of extended family members (new since last year), and several nuclear family members with animal allergies. Top it off with a 7yo who is now home schooling partly due to having asthma issues and developing pneumonia 3 of the last 5 years (missed 15 days each winter K & 1st grades). This poor kid hasn't celebrated her January birthday on time for 4 years due to being sick at birthday time.

 

We spent the spring and summer getting some good allergy diagnoses and establishing a treatment plan. Her formerly compacted sinuses are finally clear after a few months of following the doctors' protocol and a strong course of antibiotics. We have stayed on top of things most of the fall and have only had a couple of setbacks, once when seasonal pollen was at its peak and another time when someone's family dog accompanied our group (unexpectedly to us) on a camping trip.

 

Over the Thanksgiving holidays we spent an evening at a family member's home (not overnight). Their house guests brought along their big dog. 7yo has been needing her inhaler a couple of times a day since that visit (and yes, we have washed everything over and again).

 

This is hard on the little one, because she is a true critter lover and animals of all sorts seem to sense it. There is no being in the same room and not snugging up with whatever furball is there, despite how closely I try to keep an eye on things. I am also an animal lover but first I married into allergies and then I gave birth to some highly reactive kids. I have made the choice to give up having a companion animal because it was not in the best interest of other family members.

 

This Christmas, with others' new pet acquisitions over the year, we face the prospect of being invited to a celebration in a home with a shedding animal. I don't know what to do... I do not want to spend another winter pumping my child full of antihistamines, albuterol, antibiotics & steroids. But I really feel that no one else really gets it - they won't really understand why we would reject an invitation or be selective about where we go. Heck, even my non-allergic kids sometimes have a hard time understanding it (they were busy at school or asleep in their own beds when I was awake day after day nursing the sick one).

 

If you are in a similar boat, how do you steer through this? DH doesn't want any feelings hurt, but he also has allergies. It seems rather snotty to say "you can come to our house but we can't go to yours." But truly, one of my biggest reasons for bringing this particular child home this year is to improve her health. We still have a ways to go, I don't want a setback. Immunotherapy is a viable option but one we ("we" including her physicians) do not want to initiate until next summer, so that's something that might help in the future but is no good to us this winter.

 

I am bummed and perhaps letting this bother me and affect our planning more than it should. I would appreciate your clear thoughts on the matter.

 

BTW, we are not talking about the behavior of the animals - that's a whole 'nother thread! It's really about their reaction-causing hair/fur/dander/saliva.

 

Pet owners, I would love to hear how you feel about this - have you had extended family members with allergies who were not able to come to your house? How did you handle that? Did you feel sure that they loved you and wanted to be with you but just couldn't do it?

[Remudamom]

Are they nearby or do you have to travel? If near I think I might take the non allergic kids for a bit and and let dh and dd stay home and do something special. I can't believe that family wouldn't be sympathetic and understanding if you explained how ill your baby gets.

 

 

[Runningmom80]

I'm in this boat. Sadly, the short answer is, we don't go. :(

 

DS6 has asthma, and lots of environmental allergies, including cats and dogs. My father smokes in his house and has 3 cats. We just can't do it, and I felt like a bad parent when we did try. My family has a big Christmas eve get together, it's hard being left out, but I don't have a choice.

 

My sister has dogs, and we can't go to her house either. It's sad, but it has to be done. I've just explained it to them the best I could, some think we are over reacting, but most people get it. He has food allergies too, so between that and the asthma, I'm often accused of being an over protective freak. I have developed a very thick skin.

[Impish]

Honestly, if someone was allergic to my pets and couldn't visit for that reason, I'd totally understand! I don't honestly see how ppl can get bent out of shape over a health issue.

 

I mean, if a kid was *afraid* of dogs/cats, I'd make sure to close my pets away for the time they were here. But I also realize it would be impossible to make the house allergen free for a visit. Some situations as a pet owner, you can accomodate, some you can't, and that's just how it is.

 

I don't see how anyone could get upset over doing what's needed for a child's health...but some ppl are whackadoodles.

[Carrie12345]

I've never known (irl, at least) people to not "get" animal allergies. My uncle is severely allergic, so he's never been to my house, and he only attends summer (read: outdoor) parties at mostof my relatives' homes.

 

My sisters are a bit less allergic, so I clean as deeply as possible before they come, especiallyin cold, closed up months.

 

I'm even less allergic, but I stay away from my mil's house where there are too many dogs for my slight allergies to bear. (And I have pets of my own.)

 

It doesn't matter how others feel about it though. Your dd has a right to not be sick.

[Mama Geek]

We try to accomodate the best that we can and we know that some are super allergic. If it were me I would be willing to move it to someone else's house. We love our dog, but relationships with friends and family come first.

[Laurie4b]

If you were my relative, I would totally understand that we were welcome to come to visit you, but that you could not visit us. We have a long-haired dog who sheds. I get that. It is a reasonable request and there is no reason that people should get upset over it---except that people are often selfish and unreasonable. :closedeyes:

 

Having our dog affects our holidays. My father's wife's grandkids have severe allergies. We cannot afford to board our dog for the time it takes us to travel (it's a minimum 7 hour trip and there are two sets of grandparents in that area to visit, so at least 5 days.) However, we can only take her with us if we keep her in their garage in a crate. It's cold and she's scared and lonely. (We found this out the hard way before. We asked if we could bring her, were told yes, then were told about the conditions once we got there. I ended up sleeping all bundled up in the van in the garage with her so she wasn't panicked . Not comfortable.) On the one hand, this means it is very hard for us to visit my dad. On the other, I understand their desire to keep their house dog free for the sake of the grandkids who are there regularly. (But it does mean our kids don't see them as long.)

 

ETA Oh--and I forgot: I have an allergy to cats: annoying, but not severe. My mother vacuums carefully before we go, and the cats aren't allowed in the guest bedroom (though they cheat when they can). I sometimes have to take a lot of Benadryl (which makes me fall asleep.) It's not ideal, but whatever. (I don't like it though when the cat walks down the middle of the dining room table or all over the counters in the kitchen where the food is prepared.... but not my house. I try not to think about where cat paws have been.)

[dhudson]

We have several kids allergic to animals. If my child was struggling, then I would have no trouble explaining that we could not make it this year but perhaps would be able next year. Don't go if it is going to negatively effect your child's health.

 

Now that my kids are older and we are in more control of the allergies, I benadryl them up before we go and then leave when I see them starting to struggle.

[fairfarmhand]

You can come to my house. We have no indoor animals. Just outside ones!

[songsparrow]

Just tell them that your family members are allergic to animal fur/dander, and cannot be in a home where there is a pet. You don't have to go into great detail, or be overly apologetic. Offer to host them at your place or meet out at a neutral location; that will make clear that you wish to spend time with them, but medical issues make it impossible for you to come to their home. Anyone who is reasonable will understand. (I have a dog, and I would completely understand.)

 

The one limit to this is that if you wish to have people understand, you need to be consistent about this. You cannot be around animals some times or with some people and not others. If people learn that you were around animals with others, that will lead them to think that it's just an excuse you're using to avoid them, and they will be hurt. (Now, if there are extenuating conditions why you can be around some animals and not others (e.g., type of animal, number of animals, or other factors), you might need to go into more detail to explain the difference.)

[songsparrow]

Double post.

[HollyDay]

I am terribly allergic to cats. I get hives, itchy, watery, runny, wheezy, etc. And unfortunately, most cat owners I know just do not understand. Most say things like, "Well, I keep a clean house." or "Of course, I'll vacuum and put Fluffy in the bedroom." I"ve had some get offended that I cannot come to their house. But, there is nothing I can do about that. I explain and express genuine regret about not being able to attend.

[Heatherwith4]

I can't imagine someone not understanding. You just can't go to their house; that's just the way it is...

[Desert Rat]

We have a terrible relationship with most of my inlaws because they don't understand my family's allergies. They think we're stuck up, that we just like to host, that I'm a snob. It is so hurtful, the things they've said. And I know they think I'm just a neat freak and am judging their homes. I'm not! Dh's cat allergies are so bad his allergist took pictures of his rash! Pictures! Ds12 is as allergic to cats as his dad. And my 9yo rounds it out with dogs. I'm allergy free. Lucky me!

My SIL refuses to drive the 25 minutes to our home. She hates that I make her smoke outside. She thinks my kids are faking it. She hasn't spoken to us in 6 years. So.....I think I received the message loud and clear. The last time we had Christmas Eve over at her house, we spent 1 hour there before we had to leave and my kids and husband were sick, I mean sick!, for 3 days. Breathing treatments in the middle of the night are no fun ever, but especially during the holidays. Again, I was told my then 2yo was faking the asthma attack. :( My MIL keeps insisting that the boys need a dog, no matter how many times I remind her that we have allergies. She thinks it's terrible my kids are being raised without a dog. Then again, my dh is a childhood asthmatic raised around smoke and animals and no inhaler. I find it amazing he survived!

So, yes, people have taken it badly. Now our friends are wonderfully understanding. We try to go to their houses but have a 2 hour limit unless we can sit outside. Luckily we can sit outside most of the year. We also have people over here often, but graciously accept help with dinner so they don't feel like they are abusing our hospitality.

I dope everybody up on benedryl before we leave. And we choose our outings carefully.

I think I'm just frustrated that dh's family isn't more understanding. Then again, they think we're weird anyway. Still hurts though.

[SebastianCat]

Since you've had this conversation about immunotherapy with your doctor(s), I would use the "doctor's orders" excuse. "No, I'm sorry, but the doctor has said she cannot be around animals." Call the doctor's office and get a note if it helps.

 

We currently do not have any pets, but I had cats for 18 years of my adult life, and I never got offended if someone couldn't come to my house because of allergies. I was happy to go elsewhere to accommodate someone else's allergies when necessary. Yes, my house was clean, but I totally understood that a clean house doesn't eliminate the allergen.

[Gentlemommy]

As a pet lover who thinks of her pets like family, I would not be offended in the LEAST if you told me you couldn't come to our house due to pets because of your child's health. I would absolutely, completely understand. We have a nephew with severe allergies to a LOT of foods, and when he is here, we do everything possible to accommodate him and his family. Including educating and staying on top of our own children. They aren't allowed to touch, him at all until they've washed their hands and mouths if they've eaten a food that he is allergic to. They know, understand, and comply with this rule. I of course still need to monitor them, especially the two younger kids. I don't feel put out at ALL in planning meals/cooking in a way to keep him healthy. Before they come, they usually stop at Whole Foods to stock up on things he is allowed to have, but I always call for an updated list and shop around that. All high allergen foods are put out of reach of my toddler, so the risk of her getting into them and inadvertently touching/kissing him is lessened.

I would think (hope?!) that if you briefly explained your situation, people in your family would be more than happy to come to you, or do whatever they could to accommodate your family. Best wishes to you all during the holidays.

[Dana]

With us, it's my husband's allergies that are worse than our son's. Dh gets hives if he pets a cat or a dog. We had cats for a while and he'd adapt to them, but since we've been pet free, his asthma has been under complete control.

 

My folks don't have pets, so he can stay in their house when we visit.

His family smokes and has cats and dogs. The last time he stayed with them (7 years ago), they had the house cleaned and boarded the pets. He still was only able to be in the house a couple of days before an asthma attack.

He doesn't see his family often (we live across country), but if he goes out, he has to stay in a hotel.

He was in the area last year when his mother was in the hospital, went by their house for under an hour, and had a reaction from it.

 

It is hard, especially if you find the extended relationships very important.

You've got to make the choice of whether health is more important or the relationships.

Due to long term lung damage, I'll go with health.

 

I'm sorry. It is tough.

[Mommy22alyns]

Your DD has a right to enjoy her winter and not be sick all the time. Just tell them her health is at stake. DH, Rebecca, and I are pet allergic too, but for short visits Zyrtec and Benadryl work.

[Spryte]

We don't go to homes with cats. Last time we did, DS ended up hospitalized due to allergy induced asthma.

 

It means we don't visit my mother, but she graciously comes to us, and even keeps a separate set of clothes here to avoid bringing in cat dander.

 

Can you explain to your family that it's not just a runny nose allergy, but that it triggers her asthma?

[momofkhm]

I would totally understand! We had good friends that always came here to visit as we were the ones with kids and they didn't have any. If they were here we could put kids to bed and still visit. Then they had a child, an allergic child. They had to get rid of their very much loved cats. Boy was still little they tried to come here anyway. We vacuumed right before they came. We kept the animals out of the rooms. They gave hom benedryl before they came and then all jumped in the tub as soon as they got home. No go. Still a flare up. Then we started going to their house instead. Much better.

 

One good way to forestall hurt feelings is to invite people to your house. Ask first before they ask you. I also like the "doctor said no animals" reasoning. People will tend not to argue with that.

[Lisbeth]

Child's health trumps adult's feelings, each and every time in my book. I wouldn't apologize, wouldn't take a weak tone, but briefly explain. Any pushback would be met with my astonishment that they would want my child very ill for the holiday so that adult wants would be met.

[1bassoon]

I'm so glad to see I'm not alone!

My ds is horribly allergic to cats. It wasn't such a big deal when we still lived in CT, but now that we're in AL - well, when we visit, we can NOT stay with dh's mother, who has a cat that is just everywhere. We are going to TRY to stay with dh's sister, but ds will probably be doped up on Bendryl. We have some friends that are cat-free, and likely will end up with them.

 

I feel like I'm causing drama, but I'd like my son to be able to breathe for Christmas. . . .

[JeneralMom]

We have dear friends whose DD is allergic to both dogs and cats. She tried coming to our house but it was just painful and uncomfortable for her so she would not come (stayed home with Dad). We actually had several friends like this, but she was the worst case. We tended to do a lot of ou parties outside so everyone could be inculded, but we understood that she just physically could not come to our house. It was never taken personally and if anything, I always felt horrible that she couldn't come.

[Harriet Vane]

I like the idea of "doctor's orders." It's not a good idea to trade off months of illness (which will only weaken her body further and make it harder to get to a better place asthma/allergy-wise) for a few hours of family time. You cannot go. Get your doctor's support on this and stay home. :grouphug:

[jujsky]

I have a couple of friends who are allergic (though not as allergic as your DD!) and whenever they come over, I make sure I vacuum immediately before they get here and I lock the dogs in another room or put them in the yard. If I had a family member like this -- especially if it was a small child who was having this much of a reaction -- I would be very flexible. Short of boarding my animals elsewhwere, which I wouldn't do, I would do my best to make sure everything was clean and the pets were kept away from the guests. If I was told it would be easier on the family with the allergic child that we travel there instead, I would do it if distance wasn't a factor. Less cleaning for me, right? I think you need to be honest with your family members when it comes to these invitations. Tell them about your DD's last reaction and that you're keeping her out of school because of this issue. Hopefully they will understand.

 

Edited to add: Before we have new people over, I always tell them we have 3 cats and 2 large dogs that all shed, so if they have allergies they can make the decision not to come, to take medication before they come, or they will have the opportunity to tell me they have allergies and ask what I can do with the pets while they're here. I'm very willing to work with people. I'm allergic to dust and mold, so I know how unpleasant allergies can be, and I'm only mildly allergic.

[Seasider]

Thanks, everyone!

 

Remudamom, they are near but sort of uninvolved on a regular basis (which means they do not typically know when one of my kids is sick, if I’ve been sleepless for a week, etc.). So we don’t have to travel, but they do seem to expect some equity in whose turn it is to be the hostess. And as for the animal allergy reactions, it takes a few hours to get revved up, so they don’t see that, either. It’s just me, this child, and the albuterol/breathing treatments for the next few days. My oldest was like this at the same age, but we didn’t live near then and they never saw his reactions. He has had great success with immunotherapy and can now tolerate animals better, so they *still* don’t see his reactions. I can see why they might think I’m crying wolf.

 

Runningmom, you get it! We have some food allergies, too, also new as of this spring’s diagnosis process. What does a family member bring for T-day? My youngest’s favorite, sweet potatoes, covered with pecans, which she cannot eat. This person knew that but said something to the effect of well, everyone else likes them with nuts… :confused1: I just made sure my kid knew she couldn’t have any. With the food issues, I admit, it can be confusing to those who aren’t around often. A trial period without this, a trial period without that, it is hard sometimes when the diet needs/avoidances are in the process of being figured out. But if I tell you, “Sorry, no, she cannot eat that,†please show me a little respect and not look at me like I’m purposefully, cruelly depriving my child of life’s great pleasures! Okay, off rant… just agreeing with you Runningmom, that policing food allergies on top of environmental allergies does seem to make others think I’m being overprotective and just plain “difficult.â€

 

Laurie4b, we have not been able to stay overnight at my mother’s house for many years. She has a dog that not only sheds, but runs the household. I cannot let my guard down for a minute or that dog will bite one of my kids. I don’t begrudge my mom having this pet – we live many states away and visit infrequently. I would never suggest that she shouldn’t have a pet because my kids have allergies. But the truth is, we might have made more visits over the years if it weren’t for this dog (the dog is now 15 years old – my kids’ lifetimes). When we do go, we have to stay in a hotel, which makes it financially impossible to visit frequently. But again, this dog is mom’s daily companion and brings joy to her life. I do not begrudge her this. Well, maybe a little. :tongue_smilie: Anyway, I can’t deny it’s had a significant effect on our relationship.

 

Fairfarmhand, you are sweet! Would be nice to be in your neck of the woods! Songsparrow, you are right, we must be consistent. Glad you pointed that out, there is a certain house we have been able to go to in the past without issue, but we should probably avoid that one as well during this winter. I feel like if we can just get past this winter… milestone achieved. Jujsky, it is very kind of you to let potential guests know that you have animals. I feel awkward having to ask but have had to for years due to dh & ds's cat allergies. They know they have to dope before going.

 

HollyDay, you hit on something I run into, that sometimes pet owners seem to think I’m insinuating that they aren’t good housekeeper. That’s not it at all.

 

Kalah, I am so sorry! But you have best described what I feel will take place, it has already happened with the food allergy issue and now the layering on of animal avoidance will certainly be fodder for a further opinion of me by certain inlaws. They will likely think I just don't want to go to their house (not true, the whole family has enjoyed visiting the three homes we will have to avoid this year). My own mother is definitely one of those who doesn’t get the allergy thing. Last time we were there, she and her husband said they had an important announcement to make at dinner. It sounded quite serious/ceremonial and we didn’t know what grave news might be coming. At the restaurant, they stated in grand fashion that they had decided that my kids NEEDED a dog. That we (dh & I) were to get the kids a dog. Really, it was cruel to the kids, who would love to have a dog (as would I). We have often been tempted to give it a try, only to realize that it just isn't a realistic possibility. That was one long car ride home… After months of ensuing pressure (from the kids!) to get a pet, I finally caved to a pair of gerbils, with the caveat that any allergy issues and they'd have to go. I tell you, I do all the aquarium cleaning, we use a particular brand of bedding, and we keep that habitat immaculate. Hand washing protocol after handling, yada yada yada. So far so good. DD would be so sad if we had to rehome them because of her exposure/reactions to larger, more shedding creatures.

 

I commiserate with all of you who also deal with allergies in the family, and I really appreciate those of you who are understanding pet owners. Thanks for all the feedback! Dh and I have talked briefly and need to come up with a prepared response, especially for him since he is the one who sees more of that side of the family and is often the first one to field an invitation. It is really harder for him, he doesn’t like to disappoint his family, but he needs to be prepared to put our kids first (and himself, too, he gets downright miserable but has Bendryl-doped & endured it for years at friends' homes; this is the first year that it's an issue at family member houses). I like the idea of “doctor said,†and since it’s about time for a regular visit, it really won’t be an exaggeration. I’m thinking he’ll want to do another x-ray of her sinus cavities at this visit and we don’t want any nasty surprises with that. I am feeling more and more sure that I will just say "no, doctor’s recommendation, would you like to gather at our home instead or we would be happy to meet you out somewhere (where there won’t be any smoking, either!)." I’ll practice saying it. And do my best to grow a thick skin.

 

Thanks again for all your replies, it’s nice to feel validated.

[HollyDay]

No, OP, you are not alone at all. There is a "disconnect" when it comes to allergies and illnesses. When I had gestational diabetes with my oldest dd, I couldn't eat the cake at my baby shower. The ladies who made it were so offended. One, refused to speak to me again! Just a few years later, in another state, pregnant with dd2, another set of ladies made 2 cakes for my baby shower. One to serve then, and a smaller round for me to take home and freeze until I could eat it. I cried over how sweet and understanding they were. We own dogs and I've had friends who could not come to our house. One, we would even keep clothes at her house and change in the garage before coming into her home. We would change back into "our clothes" before leaving so she could wash them and keep them there and relatively dog free.

 

Health is a precious thing. Living with allergies and chronic illnesses is difficult enough. I want to do everything I can to make it easier, not harder, on my friends and family who have these concerns. Maybe because of my allergies, I understand better than someone who doesn't have them. But, it should be just plain common curtesy that we care for one another and try to be considerate.

[vonfirmath]

My husband doesn't really understand allergies -- food or pet.

 

HE is the one with allergies to pets. But is still convinced when the kids are older we're going to get a puppy. But I've seen how he is down and under the weather when we spend a few hours at a house with pets and I'm not sure I'm willing to deal with that all the time.

 

And he's FINALLY starting to understand we can't give our 1 year old dairy at all. No, not even a "little" -- because she will pay for it and then we will. IE he's finally starting to believe these symptoms may just be related to food.

 

(Which of course is making him look at his food and start wondering if some of his frequent illnesses the past few years are food related too... Though I'm not sure if he's going to start trying to track it down or not). he LIVES in the house. He's the stay at home parent and its taken him time to figure this out/be willing to live within those strictures.

[MomatHWTK]

When DS was very young we visited one or two houses where the relatives had pets. It was for "important" occasions and we didn't know the extent of his reactions. He had medium to mild reactions those times. As he got older, there were some exposures to pets that indicated his reactions were getting worse- anaphylaxis worse.

 

One extended family member chose to get a pet anyway and we did agree to go visit and "try" once. (Relative was convinced she could lock away pet and clean enough to make it safe and pulled a MAJOR guilt trip on DH.) We would have had to get a hotel suite just to visit so that we had a safe haven to retreat to if DS had trouble. but then our whole family got the flu and couldn't attend the event. I saw it as a sign.

 

Since then, DH has become less tolerant of trying to accomodate people who don't accomodate DS so we aren't going to try again. Driving 6 hours knowing that you may spend the weekend in the ER is just does not make for an attractive holiday plan.

 

ETA: We were once uninvited to a family gathering because we asked that certain foods not be served. The hostess asked that we just come some other time because the foods were "special". (That was the end of my tolerance.)