Thoughts on breaking the consumerism habit with kids

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

A friend and I were talking about this yesterday, and I'm not sure how to deal with it. How do you break the habit of wanting the emotional boost of retail therapy if your kids have gotten into it?

 

Here are some examples. My girls each have four American Girl dolls, and they both want more for any gift-giving holiday. My mom is giving them each another doll for Christmas, and I know they have others they'll be wanting for their birthdays, etc. They do play with their dolls, but isn't that a little excessive? Or we'll be driving home from the library with a HUGE stack of books they just picked out, and they'll be begging me to go to Barnes & Noble on the way home so they can buy books. DD10 has just started talking about how much she LOVES the mall, and asking if we can go to the mall to just browse. I don't even shop at malls on a regular basis, so I'm not sure where this "mall lust" has come from!

 

The girls are 10 and 7, for what that's worth. They have their own money from birthdays and chores, etc., so in the past I haven't really restricted what they could buy for themselves. But now I'm wondering if I should! Is there a way to start helping them understand that viewing shopping as recreation is not a great perspective? I suspect that just saying no all the time will just make it a forbidden fruit, and I don't want that either.

 

What do you think?

[eternalknot]

Well, I'll start by saying that I DO view shopping as a recreational experience :tongue_smilie:. But I think that to focus on that in your situation would be akin to treating the perceived problem before fully examining the symptoms.

 

To that end, at this point I'd not restrict purchases made with their own money any differently than you currently do. If anything, to continue to allow it might help further your ultimate goal of changing their perspectives. It makes little sense to change their actions before you do their perspectives.

[lisamarie]

Your girls are older than mine so I'm not sure how well what I do would work for them. I pretty much ban TV in general--they watch Netflix and DVDs with the occasional TV program watched with mom and dad. I do this to cut out commercials--it started last November when the Christmas toy ads came out and the begging started. I got so disgusted that I unplugged the cable line so they couldn't watch any TV at all.

 

I don't let the kids look through the sale ads anymore because my girls would pounce on them and start circling every thing they saw that they wanted which ended up being almost the whole ad.

 

Every time they ask for something new, I remind them that they already have X number of squinkies or zoobles or whatever they are asking for. I ask if they really need 10 more squinkies. And then I tell them that if it's something they really want, they can put it on their birthday/Christmas list. Only a few things end up being keepers--DD7 asked for something for her birthday in June which she didn't get. Now that's all she wants for Christmas. She has said that since it's big (it's not-it's only about $30) that she will be fine with only getting said toy this year and nothing else. Which tells me she really really wants it.

 

My girls haven't graduated from thrift store shopping yet and they will proudly tell others where their pretty dresses came from when they get comments. But when they start caring, I will do what my parents did--they gave each of us $100 twice a year and took us shopping. We had to buy all the clothes we needed with that (minus shoes, coats, and under things). We learned to be thrifty shoppers.

[eternalknot]

The mall can be a great place (or a personal hell, depending on one's personality LOL). For me, it's busy and happening and I can browse a range of things I'm interested in or curious about or don't even know exist. What fun! For others, it's chaotic and loud and overwhelming and crowded. They'd rather be anywhere else doing anything else. I do think it could be a good thing to do some mall browsing with her.

 

Let it be a lesson on "What is motivating me to want to buy this?" Is it something she needs and specifically came to find? Is it something she saw is marked down and appears too good a deal to pass up? Is it something she didn't even know she wanted until she saw it marketed in the window? Basically you're trying to help her identify her motivations for wanting something, and teaching her to discern between those. Am I attracted to a great product I knew nothing about, or am I attracted to a bargain price for something I don't really need but can justify buying, or am I falling prey to the advertising ploys and psychology of the various stores? Et cetera. I really do think this is a skill we need to learn. I've made emotional purchases from time to time, and so long as it's not a pattern I think it's okay; the important thing isn't teaching a child to never make emotional purchases, but to identify them as such so that they're aware of their habits.

[Kalmia]

#1 Limit their exposure to advertising (especially the American Girls website!)

 

#2 Focus on their abilities to create rather than consume. Not what are we going to buy this afternoon, but what are we going to make (something that does not require a trip to Michaels Craft Shop to begin!). Can we make rag dolls out of old clothes and and old fabric? Can we make bread? Can we make giant sidewalk chalk paintings? Can we make gifts or cards for the holidays? This is the perfect time of year for being producers of gifts!

[eternalknot]

I do think encouragement of excess can be a party to the problem.

 

I'm sure you and your family see how excited the girls are to receive their AH dolls, so why wouldn't you want to continue to bring them that joy by purchasing more? Or if you/they/family are personalities that like to have collections, what could be the harm in adding to the girls' collections of AH dolls and such? But I do think we forget that sometimes we unwittingly encourage consumerism in our children by misplacing our desire to bring them joy by giving more, more, more of the things we know will do so. Good intentions, but short-sighted. We're all guilty of it in some form or another.

 

I'd look into the motivation behind giving the girls so many AH dolls. And to me it's not even an issue of the dolls, I'd have the same concerns about anything - clothing, legos, board games, etc. if I felt the desire for more was beginning to overshadow the appreciation for what we currently possessed. Do the girls or givers excited by the newest or latest? (Like some adults and any Apple product LOL!) Or is it about collecting? Or about relating toys to books just read/eras just studied? What propels the desire to want another doll, both as giver and recipient?

 

If you like to read, maybe find some (library!) books on the psychology of buying, marketing, spending. Treat this as a bona fide subject to study or skill to learn, and familiarize yourself with the psychology of consumerism. Then use that insight into figuring out how to steer your daughters in a different direction than they're currently headed. It's challenging to not get caught up in the consumerism thing; it permeates every part of our lives.

[Kalmia]

Amy Dacyczyn who wrote The Complete Tightwad Gazette has a nice article in it about this very subject entitled Creative Deprivation. Here are a couple quotes from it.

 

"Increasingly, i see this trend toward excess in children's lives... While we, as kids, might have been devastated to lose a favorite toy, kids today don't even bother to keep track of their stuff...As a result of all this stuff and stimulation, kids regard overload as a normal condition. Anything less--a walk in the woods, making cookies, or sitting in a classroom listening to a teacher--is boring.

 

In contrast, using a concept I call "creative deprivation" is, in my view a healthier was to raise children. The idea behind creative deprivation is that every event should have space around it, so that the event can stand out and be appreciated. Until this century [20th] the space occurred naturally. Entertainment and material goods were hard to come by, so they were appreciated when they came along. The challenge of modern life is that we have to actively create the space. With mass production, toys are cheap enough to swamp even poorer families... That is why the best parents understand that their kids can have too much of a good thing. They place limitations on the stuff and stimulation...but [they] don't limit the things they do need--such as good nutrition and parenting attention. Second, [they] provide them with alternatives...toys [or activities] that demand creativity. If you limit passive entertainment [and toy overload], kids eventually get beyond the boredom and begin to be creative." Amy Dacyczyn

Edited November 11, 2012 by Kalmia

[fraidycat]

I haven't figured out the answer to this yet, either. I'd really like to, though.

 

What I have done is get rid of cable. No more commercials. The wants and "needs" has gone down dramatically.

 

Next, we try to stay out of stores as much as possible, but we still need to go.

 

Next, One in, TWO out rule at our house. Sometimes I forget to enforce it, but when the kids are looking at something they want to buy, before they even buy it I ask them which two things they are donating to make room for the new item.

[eternalknot]

Part of my problem is that I grew up with so little, that now I can give more to my kids and I don't want to hold back. I want to give them what I didn't have, but wanted. I wish I didn't feel that way, but honestly I do.

 

And people will say all that stuff is unnecessary and too much will ruin a person, blah blah. Well that just doesn't seem true to me. My better off friends and classmates who had everything didn't turn out worse in the end. In fact, their attitude of "deserve more" appeared to almost serve them well. I never feel like I deserve anything and to the extent it sometimes prevents me from even trying to move forward.

 

That all seems messed up to me after rereading it. It's a combination of not being able to find the right words and realizing that my thoughts are somewhat messed up.

 

No, I totally get it. I grew up so poor we took turns eating. We wore whatever fit, whatever gender it was intended for, and sometimes even if it didn't fit but had to work. A change in fortune changed our situation dramatically, and by the time my youngest siblings were born they never knew hunger or want. Or to distinguish need from want, and discomfort from true physical pain. It's like we were raised in different families. And truly, I consider that we were.

 

Seeing how all of that went down (some good, some awful) has been instrumental in helping me prioritize the even keel with my own kids. Had I not witnessed it with my younger siblings, I'd have fallen prey to the same thing with my own kids that my family did in raising the younger siblings.

 

You raise a totally valid point: THINGS don't make people feel entitled, rather their attitudes do. That's true across every socio-economic group. It reminds me of the "guns don't kill people, people do" mantra. It's why I think the OP should delve into the motivation and psychology of the issue to truly address it. To just stop buying stuff and/or to restrict what they buy with their own money are only superficial changes.

 

Like you, I take pleasure in sharing my financial comfort with the children. They own plenty of things they don't need, some things in excess. I think the struggle is a common one: figuring out how to do this without swinging the pendulum completely in the other direction and giving too much. We have to remember that it's not an either/or situation, and that each extreme can be crippling.

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

Ok and I'd like to add....

 

I don't know if you read my thread about my crazy situation of having my bank account wiped out because of a computer glitch...

 

I was of course besides myself. I know what it means. It means dealing with impersonal companies, spending money on late fees and having less for a few extras, and feeling like an out of control failure for an innocent mistake that started off as a good intention.

 

My "spoiled" kids' first reaction was to go into their piggy bank and bring me their quarters that I paid them from cleaning jobs I gave them to help us pay our bills.

 

The "extras" didn't ruin them.

 

Aw :001_wub:

 

Just to be clear, my concern is not spoiling or ruining them at all. My concern is teaching them a healthy respect for frugality and the things we have while still living well within our means. That's a lesson I didn't learn until I was 30 and $35,000 in credit card debt, and it's a lesson I was still paying for learning when I was 35 and desperate to quit my job to be home with the kids but couldn't because we had no savings whatsoever. They are wonderful, giving, caring children who readily agreed to give a good-sized chunk of the money DH and I budgeted for their Christmas to the needy. But they DO think that money seems to grow on trees and that items and events and outings are everyday things. It's impossible to give them special things, because they have and do so much that nothing is special anymore! That really concerns me. And given the way I think our economy and job market are heading, it's not a way I want them growing up.

 

I don't disagree with you, Wendy, about a sense of entitlement seeming to serve people well. DH and I talk all the time about how all the people we know who do well financially have that sense of confidence and entitlement, and that's why we'll never be well off. But I also know that I wouldn't want to be or be married to any of those people (well, except one friend, who is flat out the nicest guy on the planet). I struggle with that sort of thing all the time, about money and other things (like the fact that I seem to be the only parent I know teaching my kids to say excuse me, wait their turn, and not step in front of people or take things right out of people's hands :glare:). I don't want to hobble them by making them feel like they deserve nothing, but I know I personally was hobbled by not really understanding what living within my means really meant.

 

I hope that makes sense!

[Nakia]

Ok and I'd like to add....

 

I don't know if you read my thread about my crazy situation of having my bank account wiped out because of a computer glitch...

 

I was of course besides myself. I know what it means. It means dealing with impersonal companies, spending money on late fees and having less for a few extras, and feeling like an out of control failure for an innocent mistake that started off as a good intention.

 

My "spoiled" kids' first reaction was to go into their piggy banks and bring me their quarters that I paid them from cleaning jobs I gave them to help us pay our bills.

 

The "extras" didn't ruin them.

 

That's so sweet!! Great job, momma!!

 

I grew up poor, dirt poor. I love giving my kids extra things. We don't always have extra, but when we do, I'm happy to take them somewhere special and treat them. Because it doesn't happen weekly or even monthly, they really appreciate it.

 

We went out to lunch and to see Wreck It, Ralph yesterday, and they were tickled pink! It was probably the 3rd movie we've seen at the theater all year. lol

 

My kids aren't "mall crazy" though they do enjoy going there. They are just as happy at thrift/consignment stores. I do believe there's a balance!

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

No, I totally get it. I grew up so poor we took turns eating. We wore whatever fit, whatever gender it was intended for, and sometimes even if it didn't fit but had to work.

 

I can totally see how growing up this way would affect your perspective on the issue.

 

You raise a totally valid point: THINGS don't make people feel entitled, rather their attitudes do.

 

You know, it's not really entitlement I'm concerned about. My kids don't really feel entitled, or act that way. They don't throw tantrums or fits about not getting what they want, ever. Literally. But they do have an attitude of, "Well, I want this thing right now, and I have the money, so I should go ahead and spend it."

 

For example, like I mentioned above, the books at B&N. Both of my kids have upwards of 300 books in their rooms alone. We have 76 books out from the library. We can literally be coming home from the library with more books that they checked out, and they'll want to stop at B&N and buy more books, simply because they have the money to do so. So it's not the reading they're getting pleasure from, it's the acquiring. DD10 will often want to stop at B&N when she hasn't even read the books she bought on previous trips.

 

THAT is what bothers me so much. These are kids who often leave all of their toys strewn all over their rooms and the rest of the house. When things get ruined, they shrug and say, "Throw it away." :confused:

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

They are just as happy at thrift/consignment stores. I do believe there's a balance!

 

Mine do too, actually. They have no problem at all with thrift store clothes, hand-me-downs, homemade stuff, etc. But they want to be there ALL the time. We can't pass it by without them begging to go there. They feel like they must be acquiring at all times.

[justLisa]

Ok and I'd like to add....

 

I don't know if you read my thread about my crazy situation of having my bank account wiped out because of a computer glitch...

 

I was of course besides myself. I know what it means. It means dealing with impersonal companies, spending money on late fees and having less for a few extras, and feeling like an out of control failure for an innocent mistake that started off as a good intention.

 

My "spoiled" kids' first reaction was to go into their piggy banks and bring me their quarters that I paid them from cleaning jobs I gave them to help us pay our bills.

 

The "extras" didn't ruin them.

 

That is so sweet.

 

My kids are the first to help out. We pretty much spread money in this house evenly. We are lucky. We buy a lot of stuff. I mean not just for nothing stuff, but we all have interests and hobbies and generally like our stuff. But I also feel like I'd rather give up something *I* want to get something for my kids or my husband, and I know they all feel the same way.

 

But I don't know how to get kids to not want everything in the world. I mean there's so much stuff around. And kids just can't really understand what it takes to have an income and divide that amongst everything that is needed in life. Commercialism is sort of everywhere.

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

#1 Limit their exposure to advertising (especially the American Girls website!)

 

#2 Focus on their abilities to create rather than consume. Not what are we going to buy this afternoon, but what are we going to make (something that does not require a trip to Michaels Craft Shop to begin!). Can we make rag dolls out of old clothes and and old fabric? Can we make bread? Can we make giant sidewalk chalk paintings? Can we make gifts or cards for the holidays? This is the perfect time of year for being producers of gifts!

 

Thanks Kalmia, this and your Tightwad Gazette quote are exactly the sort of thing I'm thinking of.

[Denisemomof4]

Along with home made gift items, perhaps have each child fill a shoe box sized container or two for Samaritan's Purse. If they find things they want for themselves, gently remind them as to why you are there. It is awesome when our kids feel blessed by doing for others!

[eternalknot]

You know, it's not really entitlement I'm concerned about. My kids don't really feel entitled, or act that way. They don't throw tantrums or fits about not getting what they want, ever. Literally. But they do have an attitude of, "Well, I want this thing right now, and I have the money, so I should go ahead and spend it."

 

 

I don't know, to me that is exactly what it means to feel entitled to something. I see the tantrums and fits some kids throw as extentions of that entitlement and not necessarily as primary indicators of it.

 

I can say with all honesty that I apply this definition even to myself. Just yesterday I bought a bag I didn't need, but would absolutely use, for no other reason than I wanted it and I had the money to purchase it. Had I not had the money, I'd have shrugged off the desire to buy it and moved along; sounds like your daughters are the same way. I still see that as feeling entitled to something: I should/will get this for no other reason than I want it and can have it. Tantrums optional :tongue_smilie:. How else might one define the term?

 

I think "entitlement" comes across as a more emotionally-charged word than I wish to convey. But maybe it isn't the right word at all, too. I don't think all entitlement is wrong. On the contrary, I think entitlement can be healthy as well. What I think is important is figuring out why we feel this sense of entitlement and knowing what drives it. Once you determine the motivation, you can know when your sense of entitlement waivers from healthy to ... not. You can decide if it's in check or if it's slid some and needs re-adjusting.

 

THAT is what bothers me so much. These are kids who often leave all of their toys strewn all over their rooms and the rest of the house. When things get ruined, they shrug and say, "Throw it away." :confused:

 

Maybe it's a problem of excess, or specifically: disposability. We live in a society that prefers to throw out and replace, and can economically afford to. It's buying the house with perfectly good laminate and replacing it with hardwoods and granite because one can, and one desires to. It's the sister mindset to entitlement and convenience-as-king, and it permeates even the most seemingly unrelated areas of our lives.

 

To fight this WRT your children requires careful examination of the messages they're indundated with by society at large. To that end, you can take the advice of others who limit exposure to outside advertising but I don't know what good that will do if they continue to receive gifts (in excess) that promote the disposability of their existing stuff.

 

I am guilty of this myself. I have the luxury of being able to. Scorch a pan, toss it rather than spend hours scraping it. It's more convenient to buy new, and I can afford to. And even if I can't, I know my family won't let me go without one and would replace it if I wouldn't. It's a bad mindset (for me) because my motivation is one of laziness. If it were a situation where I was overwhelmed with work and housework and homeschool and caring for elderly parents and so forth, and it truly made sense to replace it than to spend time fixing it ... the motivation to buy new would be based on a reality reflective of how to best allocate my limited time/resources.

 

Same problem, same solution, but the mindset is either a cancer or a cure.

 

Your kids' actions/desires aren't what needs attention, it's the motivation driving them that does. I think it's less about breaking consumerism, and more about figuring out teach them ways to identify and moderate their own motivations.

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

Hmm, interesting points about the term entitlement. I see your meaning, but I don't know how to clarify my use of it. To me, a sense of entitlement means more that I deserve something, and I deserve it at all costs, now or future, to me or to you. KWIM? But you're probably right that there's more of an emotional meaning attached there, because I do think there are some things to which we're entitled just as human beings and hard workers. Hmmm, I'm going to have to give that one more thought!

 

Your kids' actions/desires aren't what needs attention, it's the motivation driving them that does. I think it's less about breaking consumerism, and more about figuring out teach them ways to identify and moderate their own motivations.

 

You're right, I'm sure, and that's more what I was asking, I think. But I also think that goes hand in hand with breaking a habit, because I believe it IS a habit, especially in today's world and given where we live. We have to drive by that B&N a few times a week, and DD10 will ask to go in every time. We're conditioned to want want want, even when we don't actually need. Heck, even our government wants us to buy, and tells us it's our responsibility as citizens to protect our economy!

 

That's a whole other thread, though :D

[OrganicAnn]

Don't watch TV that has commercials. I think that is the number 1 thing I've seen that makes a big difference. But I will say that some kids seem more in tuned to commercialism than others, just like some kids like music more than others.

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

We actually haven't had commercial TV in years, so I can't even say that's part of the problem! It's more that they just want the experience of buying. They want to go to every garage sale and will want to buy the most awful, dirty, horrid junk I've ever seen. And then I'll find it buried under their bed a few days later and hide it or throw it out, and they never even notice *sigh*

[Nakia]

Don't watch TV that has commercials. I think that is the number 1 thing I've seen that makes a big difference. But I will say that some kids seem more in tuned to commercialism than others, just like some kids like music more than others.

 

I totally agree with the bolded! One of my girls seems to be more tuned in than the other two.

[eternalknot]

I'm not very good at written communication (especially in English), and thought (too late) that I should have just bowed out of your thread earlier. I appreciate that you didn't read any malintent in my words, because upon re-reading it I felt badly that maybe it was projecting an IRL situation with a friend of mine that mirrors your situation. But she's throwing all of these band-aid solutions into the mix and getting more upset and confusing her kids even more by not just getting to the root of the problem. In her case, it's her not realizing her own habits and attitudes are being reflected in her kids'. I don't think that's your situation, but when I replied to your thread I had her in my head and was speaking to it. Mea culpa!

 

I've already shared how lazy I am. Here's another example of that - when my kids ask me to stop in the store, I ask them Why? I play that annoying psychiatrist character, "Tell me how that makes you feel" :tongue_smilie: and make them explain to me why they want to stop, what they want to buy, why they want to buy, etc etc etc. At which point I annoy them enough that they give up or we've safely driven far enough past LOL. They don't ask as often as they used to :lol:. I figure, hey, it's not just up to me to figure out their motivations ... put them to work to figure out their own motivations!

[eternalknot]

We actually haven't had commercial TV in years, so I can't even say that's part of the problem! It's more that they just want the experience of buying. They want to go to every garage sale and will want to buy the most awful, dirty, horrid junk I've ever seen. And then I'll find it buried under their bed a few days later and hide it or throw it out, and they never even notice *sigh*

 

Take that desire to acquire/buy and change their currency :D figure out the barter system, starting small at home then sending them out into the community for more.

 

My son barters yard work for a neighbor in exchange for beads. He makes jewelry and the neighbor owns a bead store. He also used to barter toys with his friends, which filled the same need as buying. Maybe it'd work with your girls. My girl doesn't have AG dolls but many of her friends do; I don't know how many moms would be open to a swap but maybe that's something you can consider broaching? A swap-and-sale or something? It might have the dual benefit of showing them that just because they are done with something, someone else can/will/might benefit from it as being new-to-them.

[T'smom]

One idea that I have not seen mentioned (but I admit to skimming quickly while being climbed on by a 2 yo!) is to have a waiting period. If you want something, you have to wait 24 hours before purchasing. I try to do this sometimes....if I want it badly enough, I can go back to the store and get it the next day. If I don't want it that badly, I'm probably better off not spending the money on it! I think this is a good strategy for impulse purchases.

 

Era: you could make the time period whatever, 24 hours, 48 hours, whatever works.

[Mommy22alyns]

Ok and I'd like to add....

 

I don't know if you read my thread about my crazy situation of having my bank account wiped out because of a computer glitch...

 

I was of course besides myself. I know what it means. It means dealing with impersonal companies, spending money on late fees and having less for a few extras, and feeling like an out of control failure for an innocent mistake that started off as a good intention.

 

My "spoiled" kids' first reaction was to go into their piggy banks and bring me their quarters that I paid them from cleaning jobs I gave them to help us pay our bills.

 

The "extras" didn't ruin them.

 

:grouphug: In our recent bottoming out, the girls have been more than happy to offer up their cash on hand for gas, food, or medicine. It breaks my heart that we have to do so, but they're great about it.

 

 

ETA: The girls generally don't watch commercials; they occasionally sneak through now, but they always fast-forwarded through them in the past. They get their own money for chores and Tooth Fairy, and generally have a larger thing they want to save up for. On the occasions where they've wanted something smaller, I just remind them and they usually rethink it. I do think some kids are more susceptible to ads than others.

Edited November 11, 2012 by Mommy22alyns

[Chris in VA]

What a great thread. Thanks for starting it and for all the interesting ideas.

 

I love to shop--for me, it's probably not healthy.

That doesn't mean it isn't healthy fun for some, tho.

 

Perhaps they need more ways to keep them busy? What hobbies do they have? What do you think they would do with less stuff and less recreational shopping taking up their time? Shopping gives me a bit of a satisfied feeling, like I'm solving a problem or...well, for a long time I bought into the "buy this and it will give you happiness by changing something you are currently anxious about" advertising promises. That's probably not their deal, but my question is, how else are they getting pleasurable feelings that shopping and acquiring currently give them?

 

Lead them to find other ways of feeling satisfied and they may not want as much.

[bobbeym]

:iagree: with the need to help them figure out the reasons behind the motivation and desire to buy.

 

Meanwhile though, can you just say no to some of the requests?

 

If they already have 4 AG dolls, maybe you could tell Grandma not to get them a 5th doll, and instead encourage your DDs to save up their money to buy their own dolls. Grandma could always give them a lesser amount of money or gift card to the AG store to help get them started.

 

If they constantly want new books, have them go through the ones they have and find X number of books they can donate to a shelter or the hospital pedi ward.

[Catwoman]

I don't want to hobble them by making them feel like they deserve nothing, but I know I personally was hobbled by not really understanding what living within my means really meant.

 

I hope that makes sense!

 

Here's the thing -- the sense of entitlement isn't the problem; not knowing how to manage money is the problem. We can feel as entitled as we'd like, but if we know we don't have the money, common sense should over-ride the sense of entitlement.

 

Basically, what I'm saying is that you're not going to teach your kids how to live within their means simply by refusing to buy them stuff, or by limiting their trips to the mall. Either they want stuff or they don't. Whether or not they get the stuff isn't even the issue. You can teach them how to manage their allowances in order to save up for big purchases, or to teach them that they need to prioritize whether to buy Item A or Item B this week, because they don't have enough money to buy both.

 

In my experience, the people who have tended to over-spend were not the ones who were spoiled as kids; they were the kids who'd always felt deprived, and as soon as they grew up, they wanted to make up for lost time, so they bought everything under the sun and ended up in a lot of debt.

[silliness7]

One idea that I have not seen mentioned (but I admit to skimming quickly while being climbed on by a 2 yo!) is to have a waiting period. If you want something' date=' you have to wait 24 hours before purchasing. I try to do this sometimes....if I want it badly enough, I can go back to the store and get it the next day. If I don't want it that badly, I'm probably better off not spending the money on it! I think this is a good strategy for impulse purchases.

 

Era: you could make the time period whatever, 24 hours, 48 hours, whatever works.[/quote']

 

 

I like this idea. I also liked the post about becoming creators instead of consumers.

 

What about setting up a simple budget where they give a certain percent to church or charity, save a certain percent for a long-term goal, save a certain percent for a short-term goal, and a small percent for fun money.

 

Also have them use their own money when they need $5 to go skating with a group (are they at this stage yet?) or need to buy a b-day present for a party.

 

It's important to learn money is not an unlimited resource. If there is so much abundance they can buy things they don't need or even really want make them responsible for more of their own things. They can buy clothing, electronics, room decor, presents for others with their own money. They can contribute to their college fund, first car fund, down-payment on their first house fund.

 

wrt the book problem specifically I would not let them purchase any more books until they have read the ones they own. Period.

[Catwoman]

One idea that I have not seen mentioned (but I admit to skimming quickly while being climbed on by a 2 yo!) is to have a waiting period. If you want something' date=' you have to wait 24 hours before purchasing. I try to do this sometimes....if I want it badly enough, I can go back to the store and get it the next day. If I don't want it that badly, I'm probably better off not spending the money on it! I think this is a good strategy for impulse purchases.

 

Era: you could make the time period whatever, 24 hours, 48 hours, whatever works.[/quote']

 

:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

 

I have used that strategy with my ds, when I know he's about to buy something he wants "at that moment," but will forget about almost immediately if he doesn't buy it. (Truthfully, I would save a lot of money if I did the same thing myself!)

 

I tell him to put the item down and if he still wants it the next day, I'll drive him back to the store to get it. If it's on clearance or is the last one on the shelf, sometimes I'll tell him to buy it, but to wait a day before he opens it, so he can still return it if he changes his mind.

[2squared]

I have to agree with the PP. I don't think how much you have or don't have leads to entitlement or spoiling. We all have more than some people and less than others. My kids are very entitled compared to some, and not entitled at all compared to others.

 

I think what we need to focus on is money management. We need to teach our kids how to prioritize spending - how to save, how to invest, how to meet needs, how to budget for wants, and how to not spend what we don't have. We also need to teach our kids to match financial reality to overall values.

 

In our house, we don't have debt outside of our mortgage. We save a lot of every month so we have cash for our purchases. Our kids know this, and they help divvy out our monthly spending into cash envelopes. They know we have money for fun things, but they also know that we make intentional choices about how to spend that money. They know the "wants" we satisfy come at a price of not satisfying other "wants." I think all this keeps them from feeling and acting entitled. They know every dollar we spend has been thoughtfully planned. They even know that some of spending is planned to be unplanned. How's that for planning?? :)

 

I think we should also teach or kids that having wants is completely normal and is actually a good thing. I don't want my kids to feel complacent. I want them to want more and better, but I need to teach them how to manage those wants.

[Catwoman]

I think we should also teach or kids that having wants is completely normal and is actually a good thing. I don't want my kids to feel complacent. I want them to want more and better, but I need to teach them how to manage those wants.

 

:iagree:

[happypamama]

I make my kids wait on purchases as well. If they're still asking for something after several days/several trips to that same store, if they have the money to buy it, then I will generally let them do so (I do maintain veto power over anything I really am against). But that really cuts down on impulse purchases.

[Farrar]

#1 Limit their exposure to advertising (especially the American Girls website!)

 

Several people have suggested this, but I disagree strongly on the basis that in our culture today, advertising is EVERYWHERE. It doesn't matter if you don't watch children's TV with ads or not because ads are embedded in movies, they're on the street, they're every web game you play for free, they're in the magazines you read, they're even in the book covers urging you to buy more books or check out their websites.

 

Trying to limit your exposure is like trying to plug a gaping hole with a small cork. Arm your kids instead with media savvy, teach them to recognize what's an ad and how it's trying to manipulate you and your emotions. Model being critical of ads and questioning the claims in them. Get media literate and make sure your kids get media literate too.

 

#2 Focus on their abilities to create rather than consume. Not what are we going to buy this afternoon, but what are we going to make (something that does not require a trip to Michaels Craft Shop to begin!). Can we make rag dolls out of old clothes and and old fabric? Can we make bread? Can we make giant sidewalk chalk paintings? Can we make gifts or cards for the holidays? This is the perfect time of year for being producers of gifts!

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:On the other hand, for this, I strongly agree.

[redsquirrel]

Best thing we ever did was to not have commercial or broadcast TV in the house. My kids haven't ever watched commercial TV. I didn't allow any character or marketing toys in the house when they were younger. I will go out of my way to buy things that are not covered with a logo. I don't allow Disney books or toys in the house, no games that are excuses for marketing, no snack food that comes with a TV character on the box. None of it is in the house.

 

It was difficult when they were babies, it seemed like every baby toy, cup, and onsie had Winnie the Pooh or a Pixar character, but we survived. Now they are older and it isn't that difficult.

 

I also don't go shopping for recreational purposes. That just isn't going to happen. Ever.

[Joker]

My dds have never really had a problem with advertising and I think it's because we've always talked about how ridiculous most of it is. They also are able to just window shop because we've always done that as well. When they were little and we only had one car, I would often walk to the mall (it was an easy walk) and we rarely actually purchased anything. We do that a lot even now in Barnes & Noble. We like to go and get Starbucks and then just wander, but we rarely purchase any books. Those trips are usually planned.

 

That doesn't mean they don't occasionally have a selfish streak and ask for stuff they shouldn't. They can ask but I can say no and they seem ok with it. I don't feel there is anything wrong with them asking at their ages but I don't feel bad for not giving in and explain why.

[Catwoman]

Best thing we ever did was to not have commercial or broadcast TV in the house. My kids haven't ever watched commercial TV. I didn't allow any character or marketing toys in the house when they were younger. I will go out of my way to buy things that are not covered with a logo. I don't allow Disney books or toys in the house, no games that are excuses for marketing, no snack food that comes with a TV character on the box. None of it is in the house.

 

It was difficult when they were babies, it seemed like every baby toy, cup, and onsie had Winnie the Pooh or a Pixar character, but we survived. Now they are older and it isn't that difficult.

 

I also don't go shopping for recreational purposes. That just isn't going to happen. Ever.

 

Wow. It's like you're my twin from a parallel universe where everything is opposite. :D

 

We have always done TV, "licensed character stuff," and all of the commercialized toys and video games... and rarely does a day go by when I don't do some sort of recreational shopping.

 

It seems to work as well for us as your way works for your family, so I guess it's all good, right? :001_smile:

[Gentlemommy]

A few things we have done that have helped-

-No tv. They watch DVDs or Netflix, but nothing with commercials for stuff.

-If there is something they want, we try to make it. Like dd wanted Moon Sand or something like that, so we looked on pinterest for a home made version and made our own for a fraction of the cost.

-They get to ask for one gift from us, and each of the grandparents for birthdays or Christmas. Of course, grandparents always go overboard, but I can't control that lol.

-We actually have lesson on how to recieve a gift graciously. :001_huh: They just don't know how to react, so we make it a point, a few times before it hays or Christmas, to sit down and practice.

-They do have their own money, and they can save up for things they would like.

-Dd7 just started her own little business and is donating half of her proceeds to a charitable cause.

-Now that the big girls are 4 and 7, we've started doing monthly volunteering. This month is serving a thanksgiving meal, next month is buying gifts and handing them out to local foster children.

-We are signing up to be a Safe Family. Basically it's the step before the children go into foster care, in order to keep them out of the system and reunite them with their families as quickly as possible. We will open our home to the children for anywhere from a few days to a few months. This will require sacrifice from all of us. We've talked to the two oldest extensively about what this will mean for our family.

 

Of course, they ARE still children, they can be self centered and materialistic. ;)But I do see these things helping...slowly but surely. It helps too that for some odd reason, none of my kids actually play with 'toys'. They much prefer making forts with blankets, playing Narnia using vacuum attcpachments as swirds, or getting into my stuff or daddy's stuff and creating with sticks, leaves, and dirt lol.:tongue_smilie:

[Ruby Rose]

I think the biggest way we have squashed the "I wants" is by getting rid of TV/cable. Everything they watch is DVD or Netflix. Commercials are terrible. They make pure junk look good.

[DawnM]

My older two don't watch TV. We have an antenna but they don't like TV. It is their personal choice. They still know what the latests gadgets are. Thankfully, they don't ask for all of them.

 

For us, the key is:

 

1. Surrounding ourselves with like minded friends.

2. Having a lot of discussion as to money, values, etc....

3. Going out of our way to help those less fortunate and doing it first hand.

 

Now, I do have BOYS who don't care about clothing, accessories, recreational shopping, etc.....but they DO have other things they would spend $$ on.

 

Dawn

[Snow]

I totally agree that tv has nothing to do with it. My son can find five things to ask for for at the grocery store.. It's not advertising, it's just seeing new things everywhere...that's enough to entice him. It's the excitement of something new and novel that gets him I think. I'm not worried about his ability to be money smart but I do worry that for him, happiness = more stuff. The only thing I've tried to do is make him aware that what he really wants is that fun feeling of newness, not necessarily the item and that kind of takes away some of the luster.

[Stacia]

A couple of comments....

 

You might like reading the book Simplicity Parenting.

 

Consuming/consumerism is not just about getting the "stuff". There is a lot more to it & a big impact on our planet, the people who live on this planet, etc.... Perhaps a big picture view can help put the idea of consumerism in perspective. I recommend The Story of Stuff (a 20-min. animated film).