When you are married to Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde

[Amy Jo]

What do you do? Try to make changes / suggestions to cheer him up? Or enjoy whatever you get, but arrange your life so that you don't count on him for anything?

 

When everything you say is turned to a negative, do you just stop talking (at least about things of substance)?

 

If you *knew* that limiting one thing [computers/media] would help a lot, but DH disagreed, would you force the issue? (Assuming you could - I'm not sure I can at this point.)

 

How do you protect yourself & buffer your children from a negative person?

 

Edit because I think I was too negative and because my username is easily linked to me.

Edited October 13, 2012 by mtcougar832

[stripe]

Do you have a religious leader or other trusted community member who could help you? I think such complex issues deserve careful attention.

[LucyStoner]

Abuse is not only physical. Neglecting your kids, being totally hands off, telling your wife she has no character and doesn't deserve self care and dismissing your role of caregiver as no contribution are all abusive and harmful.

 

Are you sure you are married to Dr. Jeckyll AND Mr. Hyde? If Jeckyll doesn't come out long enough to have remorse, show you all love and be a father, you may really only be married to Hyde.

 

I am not saying leave, I am saying you have to honestly assess the full impact of his behavior not just on you but he kids and hold him accountable to get help and change. Is he depressed or in need of medical treatment? Is he willing to see he needs to make some changes and be more loving?

 

Don't ask permission to take care of yourself and get breaks. You are showing your kids how to be a woman and respect a woman. You can't do that without recharge sometimes. And consider carefully the sort of man, husband and father your husband is currently modeling to your kids.

Edited October 13, 2012 by kijipt

[Audrey]

This sounds like something that must have intervention and support from a counselor, and possibly medical doctor. I think he definitely needs counseling for himself, but most likely, family counseling would get the best results.

 

Otherwise, you are just going to keep walking on eggshells all the time, and that is not at all an acceptable way for your or your children to have to live. It is especially unfair to your children. Trust me when I tell you that children who have to do that come to fear the slightest things and live in constant anxiety and fear that they will upset the unstable parent (and he IS unstable from what you described!). It is a horrible way to live. It eats away at your developing self-esteem and leaves lasting damage to your perception of yourself as a capable and love-worthy person. He may not be physically abusing them, but I guarantee you that he is damaging them nonetheless.

 

Do something. Make him change or tell him to get out until he can change.

 

I am not saying you have to leave, but sometimes tough love is necessary to protect your children. My mom kicked my dad out until he got his crap together and she helped him while he did it. He just couldn't live with us while he was pulling the crap he was pulling. They never separated, never divorced, staying married and loving until the day mom died.

 

So... changes can happen, but sometimes when a person is being like your husband is being, they need a big fat wake up call before they get motivated to do the right thing.

Edited October 13, 2012 by Audrey

[Munchkins_mama]

If this is a fairly recent change in his personality, I'd say he NEEDS professional help and either a complete lifestyle change or medication.

 

If this has always been this way, You need to seek counseling for yourself. Some mental disorders, such as depression, bi-polar, or others, get harder to control as we age. My FIL has BP and he says he used to be able to control it well when he was younger. As he aged, it got much harder to control and he finally had to resort to medication.

[bnbacademy]

I would not have been able to resist a sit-down, serious talk about marriage/family being a "team" effort. Sometimes I take one for the team, and sometimes, he does... because he lives with me:001_smile:!

 

I can't imagine dh ever saying that, but if he ever did, I would be very clear how I felt after receiving a negative comment like that... In fact, I would call him out on it, but that is how I am now. I might have harbored anger at one time, but now I know that it is not good for me or us.

 

We have operated with the rule of respect, even when disagreeing. Respect and gratitude are our family's theme-words as we raise our dc. Love shown as gratitude and respect makes love an action word for us. So that, when angry, we are careful that we talk about behaviors mostly, and no bringing up past issues which we had settled/or forgiven already.

 

This, hopefully, helps us clear up misunderstandings before they grow into bigger problems.

[Laurie4b]

This thread will likely get deleted.

 

You can only control you. You need a sense of self-worth and validation that doesn't depend on dh. So do your kids--they have you of course, but they also need a male source (GF, uncle, etc.) if they perceive that their dad is distant from them.

 

Your dh's nonverbal messages are consistent with his verbal ones. I'm sorry because that is very hurtful. Do you have any indication that he wants to stay in the marriage? If he does, you have some leverage to ask for counseling, but otherwise, no one can make an adult who is dangerous to self or others get help.

 

I'd talk with someone in real life whom you trust (not a family member because if this works out, they will have a harder time forgiving than you) and take some protective steps for you and the children.

 

If you don't have an outside job, I would look for something at least part time. This is probably part of what he's meaning by his words--that he wants some help with the financial burden (maybe you already do this). Sometimes men get very peevish when they feel they are "doing all the work" = "making all the money." But it also gives you more power in the relationship and more control over the future. Your post reads as if he has all the power in the relationship. I would quietly increase your side of it. (If it's true that there is a huge power imbalance, the person with less power can't confront the other person about it. Just work on building your side up. You have power when you have choices, and in a relationship you have power when you have things that he wants--such as your good will. If he doesn't care about that, then you're pretty powerless and you must plan for a future in which you are not dependent on him for emotional validation or financial security. ) Sorry that you are in a situation in which you are hurting. :grouphug:

Edited October 13, 2012 by Laurie4b

[Dana]

(I know I'm being vague. I tried typing details but the post turned into a small book. Leaving is not feasible or desired. No one is in danger or being abused [mainly just ignored].

 

Neglect IS abuse and it's pretty nasty. I don't have much of a relationship with my parents due to their choices and neglect while I was growing up.

 

Go to counseling yourself. It's important.

Then you can make some decisions from a position where you're more centered. But I'd say you need outside help here.

[Corraleno]

Otherwise, you are just going to keep walking on eggshells all the time, and that is not at all an acceptable way for your or your children to have to live. It is especially unfair to your children. Trust me when I tell you that children who have to do that come to fear the slightest things and live in constant anxiety and fear that they will upset the unstable parent (and he IS unstable from what you described!). It is a horrible way to live. It eats away at your developing self-esteem and leaves lasting damage to your perception of yourself as a capable and love-worthy person. He may not be physically abusing them, but I guarantee you that he is damaging them nonetheless.

:iagree::iagree::iagree:1000%

 

I grew up this way, DH grew up this way, and it's taken us both YEARS to get beyond the damage that it caused. The relationship that your kids are seeing every day will form their idea of what a "normal" relationship looks like — and it's NOT healthy. Please don't think that just because your DH isn't hitting you or the kids that no one is being "damaged."

 

:grouphug:

Jackie

[Amy Jo]

I really think he needs either a pain-specialist to help him deal with pain, and I wouldn't be surprised if he is depressed. He just can't see anything in his life that is good. And his detached attitude worries me.

 

Yes, he does have a good side. I'm trying to figure out why I see so little of it lately. He's been working a lot, and in his mind, we aren't getting anywhere. (I think we are making great progress, even though there is more to do.) I imagine he will apologize to me, but without lasting change, the damage is done. You can't just erase things you say.

 

Anyway, he used to gradually shift from normal to glum (weeks or months), and it was related to pain. Now he is fluctuating between the 2 quickly (a few days), and I can't handle it. He is highly stressed: he gets migraines most mornings, he doesn't generally sleep well, his current medication doesn't help with the back pain, and he can't get the stuff that does work. To top that off he has a physical job. (There aren't any others.)

 

The problem with talking is that EVERYTHING I say he twists into "he doesn't make enough money / is a poor provider" (not in a mean way - he is interpreting what I say through his view of himself). I don't believe that - I try to tell him that. He is extremely defensive, and I swear he can not hear that I am proud of how hard he works, despite his back problem.

 

I have restarted the Accountable Kids program, so the boys are now earning special dates. Which means they get to alternate between a fun outing with either Dad or I, one on one. I think that will help a lot. He needs to reconnect to them.

 

Thank you this is helpful. I think I'm going to go see a friend when he gets home, and maybe have a hot bath with music. Then I'm going to hire the neighbor to watch the kids and we'll go somewhere together. He is so much better away from his **** computer. (I think he's still ADD.) When we are NOT at home, we actually discuss things so much better. Maybe we should just start having a weekly not-at-home meeting/cheap date sans kids.

 

If that doesn't work, I have an older, Christian friend who knows us both. I could talk to her & trust her advice, and trust that she won't gossip.

[butterflymommy]

Oh gosh. My husband ignores us a lot and can be foul tempered. But if he ever accused me of doing nothing all day my response would not be fit to print. I'd give him a serious piece of my mind on that one.

 

The rest of the stuff-- doing his own thing, the ignoring-- I just ignore him back.

[justamouse]

Living with chronic pain turned me, Tigger, into a person I couldn't recognize. You fold into yourself. Even trying to be sweet and nice, the words come out sharp. You're so self absorbed--just dealing moment to moment with the pain, that you have nothing else to give anyone.

 

That said, I think counseling is on order.

[swellmomma]

I would leave...and I did. At the end of my marriage that's what things were like and they progressively got worse. We got to a point that he would not come home from work if the kids were even awake or there was signs of kids in the house. In our case the substance causing problems was alcohol. Truthfully though he no longer drinks and he is a still an a$$, the alcohol just strengthened that side of him. I had already planned on leaving when he got physical one night and that was that, marriage over. I had already had enough of the rest of teh crap though. There was other stuff going on but that level of ignoring the family, and the rude comments to me were already driving me out of the marriage. There was no way I wanted my kids growing up thinking that kid of behaviour was okay. I would not classify my ex as jekyll and hyde, I think of him more as mr. invisible, when I hear jekyll and hyde I think of my oldest son with his mood swings and never knowing what we are waking up to.

[swellmomma]

Living with chronic pain turned me, Tigger, into a person I couldn't recognize. You fold into yourself. Even trying to be sweet and nice, the words come out sharp. You're so self absorbed--just dealing moment to moment with the pain, that you have nothing else to give anyone.

 

That said, I think counseling is on order.

 

That is an interesting observation. I know I have become more that way in dealing with my constant fatigue and such. Fatigue as in burnt out physically and mentally, not simply tired. I do not ignore the family like the OP mentioned, but I am not the happy easy going mom I was 5 years ago that is for sure.

[LittleIzumi]

Wow. I would demand his backside in therapy to figure out why he's miserable all the time, and I'd put a time lock on the computer (so it can only be used for certain times of the day), and I'd announce that since he honestly thinks I do nothing, for the next week I will actually do nothing and he can see for himself the difference. I'm mean. :lol:

[MooCow]

Living with chronic pain turned me, Tigger, into a person I couldn't recognize. You fold into yourself. Even trying to be sweet and nice, the words come out sharp. You're so self absorbed--just dealing moment to moment with the pain, that you have nothing else to give anyone.

 

That said, I think counseling is on order.

 

:iagree: yes, your story sounds very similar to a friend of mine. It didn't get better until the hubby switched drs AND the started counseling thru a church. took some months, but so much better now.

[elegantlion]

Sounds like he needs some pain management and a swift kick. The pain could be causing him to lash out with how he feels about himself, twisting your words in the process. I would not discount depression or bipolar.

 

I would encourage him to get help with the pain to start.

Edited October 13, 2012 by elegantlion

[Anne in CA]

I am sorry for how your family is suffering and before this thread is shut down I do want to beg you to find a group for co dependency. His behavior may be justified by the level of pain he is suffering, but to tell you that you have no value is VERY ABUSIVE, and there is real danger in starting to believe it. You may think you will never believe it but my guess is that you are already behaving in ways that you never would have dreamed of ten years ago to accommodate him.

 

I know some one who basically had to "camp" for two years to leave such a person and is glad she did. You may think you cannot leave, but it is probably harder to stay than to leave if he won't change. I am worried that you think things may get better in a month. How often are you setting these sort of goals and pushing them out?

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[----]

.

[butterflymommy]

Living with chronic pain turned me, Tigger, into a person I couldn't recognize. You fold into yourself. Even trying to be sweet and nice, the words come out sharp. You're so self absorbed--just dealing moment to moment with the pain, that you have nothing else to give anyone.

 

That said, I think counseling is on order.

 

I don't want to jump to conclusions, but if he were in constant severe pain I doubt he could go fishing-- especially 3X in one week. Fishing is a VERY physical activity including a lot of carrying, upper body use, etc..

[Heidi]

:grouphug: I know exactly what you are talking about. I have a wonderful husband that suffers from severe depression and adhd, among other things. Here is what I'm doing:

 

Seek help for him and yourself, like everyone else suggested. In the meantime LOVE him. Forgive him. Pray for him. Pray for help to love him.

 

What to do with the kids? Explain to them what is going on and why their dad is acting like he is. Encourage them to show him lots of love. Pray for him as a family. I purposely plan our day around when he is home. I try to have the house clean, the kids are busy doing a quiet activity, we don't do school when he is home because I'm frazzled and stressed, etc.

 

You? He doen't mean it. Really. The mean things he says to you are exactly how he feels about himself. He needs to apologize, but if he can't yet, try to put it to the side and love him anyway. Be a listening ear. Constantly remind him that you love him and tell him specifically why, all of the time.

 

Focus on improving yourself instead of him. What I mean by that is if you are frustrated with how little time he spends with the kids, then YOU value the kids and spend quality time with them, and have fun with them. If he is rude, focus on how YOU are speaking and be more positive. If he is cold, be even more warm and affectionate to him and your kids.

 

Obviously you cannot make him be what you want him to be, but you can change you. When I took the focus off of him and his problems, and focused on me and tried to improve my problems, I realized that he appreciated being out of the spotlight, and that I became a happier and stronger person.

 

This is only if he is worth making sacrifices for, and I assume he is. There does come a point when enough is enough, of course.

Edited October 13, 2012 by hmsmith

[Rosie_0801]

My ex chose his health problems over me. We are both healthier now we feel little to no responsibility for each other and our kids are surprisingly ok.

 

The only way I could have stayed was to drop my expectations and I really couldn't hate myself that much.

 

 

:grouphug:

Rosie

[WishboneDawn]

.

[kalanamak]

 

The problem with talking is that EVERYTHING I say he twists

 

I was married to Mr. Negative, and he was a constant twister. Sadly, I have learned as the years go by people accuse you of what they are likely to do. Thus, the roommate in college who accused me of stealing from him ended up moving out with a lot of other people's stuff, etc.

 

And Mr "I'm going to take everything you say as an insult" even when you promise with tears in your eyes you love him and never dreamed* it could be taken as an insult 1) he won't believe you and 2) everything he says about you IS an insult.

 

:grouphug: I was lucky: we didn't have kids.

 

* E.g, I once bragged about hubby knowing 4 languages, and he claimed I meant it to insult him as not being born in the US!!!! I was genuinely proud of his polylingualism.

[dbmamaz]

Despite me not being christian, this is a lot of how I cope w my husband. I think there is a lot of wisdom here. He is my second husband, and I know he loves me, and honestly he's not, I think, as bad as your husband. but he is depressed, in pain, not sleeping well, and chronically grumpy. but he does make a point of not insulting me. You do need to take care of yourself and your kids, but if your husband is not interested in changing, there is not much you can do. I try to remember to tell him how much I appreciate him working hard to support us, and to ask him how his problems are (how did you sleep? how was work? is something wrong, you sound more down than usual?") and try to be satisfied with what little i get. No, its not ideal modeling for my kids, but we are ALL 2E and I really think that learning to support and tolerate each other is a worthwhile lesson as well

 

eta: if dh gets to the point where he is raising his voice or saying mean things, I do speak to him - mostly to point out that its not ok to take out his frustrations on us, that i expect him to still treat us politely. that reminder usually works for him - he is not a person who likes to talk about his feelings

 

:grouphug: I know exactly what you are talking about. I have a wonderful husband that suffers from severe depression and adhd, among other things. Here is what I'm doing:

 

Seek help for him and yourself, like everyone else suggested. In the meantime LOVE him. Forgive him. Pray for him. Pray for help to love him.

 

What to do with the kids? Explain to them what is going on and why their dad is acting like he is. Encourage them to show him lots of love. Pray for him as a family. I purposely plan our day around when he is home. I try to have the house clean, the kids are busy doing a quiet activity, we don't do school when he is home because I'm frazzled and stressed, etc.

 

You? He doen't mean it. Really. The mean things he says to you are exactly how he feels about himself. He needs to apologize, but if he can't yet, try to put it to the side and love him anyway. Be a listening ear. Constantly remind him that you love him and tell him specifically why, all of the time.

 

Focus on improving yourself instead of him. What I mean by that is if you are frustrated with how little time he spends with the kids, then YOU value the kids and spend quality time with them, and have fun with them. If he is rude, focus on how YOU are speaking and be more positive. If he is cold, be even more warm and affectionate to him and your kids.

 

Obviously you cannot make him be what you want him to be, but you can change you. When I took the focus off of him and his problems, and focused on me and tried to improve my problems, I realized that he appreciated being out of the spotlight, and that I became a happier and stronger person.

 

This is only if he is worth making sacrifices for, and I assume he is. There does come a point when enough is enough, of course.

[JessReplanted]

:grouphug:

[QuirkyKapers]

:grouphug:

[Amy Jo]

The one month is to get a referral from a second doctor so he can get the pain medication that works. So it's not arbitrary.

 

Oh gosh. My husband ignores us a lot and can be foul tempered. But if he ever accused me of doing nothing all day my response would not be fit to print. I'd give him a serious piece of my mind on that one.

 

Yeah, he got an earful. In hindsight I'm not sure it was helpful - I mean any logical person would assume that if you have good kids (other people tell me this - strangers) then their primary caregiver must be actively doing something. I'm still :confused: on that whole thing -- we went camping together last month and had a great time. We really connected, we do see eye-to-eye on many things.

 

Living with chronic pain turned me, Tigger, into a person I couldn't recognize. You fold into yourself. Even trying to be sweet and nice, the words come out sharp. You're so self absorbed--just dealing moment to moment with the pain, that you have nothing else to give anyone.

 

That said, I think counseling is on order.

 

Yes, I'm going to insist he either talk to a church leader, counselor, join a group from chronic pain sufferers, something. And if he doesn't I'll find someone to talk to myself. But I really think getting him OUT of the house is the key. Everyone here is just too tired.

 

:grouphug: I know exactly what you are talking about. I have a wonderful husband that suffers from severe depression and adhd, among other things. Here is what I'm doing:

 

Seek help for him and yourself, like everyone else suggested. In the meantime LOVE him. Forgive him. Pray for him. Pray for help to love him.

 

What to do with the kids? Explain to them what is going on and why their dad is acting like he is. Encourage them to show him lots of love. Pray for him as a family. I purposely plan our day around when he is home. I try to have the house clean, the kids are busy doing a quiet activity, we don't do school when he is home because I'm frazzled and stressed, etc.

 

You? He doen't mean it. Really. The mean things he says to you are exactly how he feels about himself. He needs to apologize, but if he can't yet, try to put it to the side and love him anyway. Be a listening ear. Constantly remind him that you love him and tell him specifically why, all of the time.

 

Focus on improving yourself instead of him. What I mean by that is if you are frustrated with how little time he spends with the kids, then YOU value the kids and spend quality time with them, and have fun with them. If he is rude, focus on how YOU are speaking and be more positive. If he is cold, be even more warm and affectionate to him and your kids.

 

Obviously you cannot make him be what you want him to be, but you can change you. When I took the focus off of him and his problems, and focused on me and tried to improve my problems, I realized that he appreciated being out of the spotlight, and that I became a happier and stronger person.

 

This is only if he is worth making sacrifices for, and I assume he is. There does come a point when enough is enough, of course.

 

Thanks for the encouragement. I try to do this. I edited my post down since someone said it would get locked, but we do have good times. He seems to be feeling better so we are going to go out somewhere cheap and talk for a bit. Since I think we are both calm now.

 

At any rate, I've never been part of a locked thread that I know of. :auto:

[Audrey]

 

At any rate, I've never been part of a locked thread that I know of. :auto:

 

I think people are referencing the fact that the moderators often delete threads that discuss marital issues, not that you've said anything offensive or anything like that.

 

On the one hand, I can see why the mods do it. Putting info like that out on the internet can backfire and then posters will panic trying to get the mods to remove info. It is probably easier to delete all the marital issues threads than to deal with the fall outs later.

 

On the other hand, sometimes people just need to get it out there and get some feedback. So, in that regard, I think it's too bad that they shut things down before the OPs get a chance to benefit from the feedback. But... it's good that you've had a chance to see at least some responses.

 

:grouphug:

[Isabella]

My ex chose his health problems over me. We are both healthier now we feel little to no responsibility for each other and our kids are surprisingly ok.

 

The only way I could have stayed was to drop my expectations and I really couldn't hate myself that much.

 

 

:grouphug:

Rosie

 

Did we all miss something, Rosie? Sorry for your difficulties, and I wish you happiness.:grouphug:

[Michelle in AL]

Just throwing this our there, but his behavior sounds a lot like addiction: isolation, lack of responsibility, blaming, and negativity. My STBXH was an alcoholic and this was his behavior at the end. Could he be addicted to his pain pills?

 

At the end my husband was addicted to alcohol, smoking, and computer games.

 

Not fun!

[Joanne]

Just throwing this our there, but his behavior sounds a lot like addiction: isolation, lack of responsibility, blaming, and negativity. My STBXH was an alcoholic and this was his behavior at the end. Could he be addicted to his pain pills?

 

At the end my husband was addicted to alcohol, smoking, and computer games.

 

Not fun!

 

:iagree:

 

There are red flags in your posts that point to:

 

Addiction

Abuse

Depression

 

They are separate, and can fuel/feed each other but each (if they exists) need to be treated in order for healing to occur.

 

I hope that your situation is not that entrenched and pervasive, but there are several danger signs.

 

A link about non physical abuse:

 

http://www.drirene.com/control.htm

 

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm

 

Male Depression:

 

http://www.webmd.com/depression/depression-men

 

Symptoms of addiction to painkillers:

 

http://www.medicinenet.com/script/main/art.asp?articlekey=24572