How much should children be told?

[Scarlett]

How much should children be told?

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

About the break up of a marriage.

 

Say a woman and man, both married to other people have an affair. They stop, 'work' on their marriages....eventually divorce both mates and begin seeing each other--again.

 

He has two children. 2 years pass and he keeps his former adultery partner, now girlfriend a secret from his kids.

 

Now they want to 'come out' to the kids.

 

Should these kids be told that this relationship began before he even divorced their mother?

 

A poll to follow.

[Wheres Toto]

Depends on the age of the children. If very young, no. If they are older teenagers, if they are likely to hear about it from others, then an explanation may be a good idea.

[Catwoman]

Depends on whether or not the "real" mom will rat them out.

[Scarlett]

Depends on the age of the children. If very young, no. If they are older teenagers, if they are likely to hear about it from others, then an explanation may be a good idea.

 

How about 7 and 11?

[Scarlett]

Depends on whether or not the "real" mom will rat them out.

 

So your answer is based upon the possibility of them being 'ratted out'. Not on what is right or wrong?

[NotSoObvious]

At 7 and 11, I wouldn't sit them down and tell them. But if they asked, I'd be honest. It will probably come up eventually.

I say this as a child of divorceS and remarraiges. I just didn't need to know all the drama when I was younger. But, I wouldn't want my parents to flat our lie to me either.

[KungFuPanda]

Children that age don't need (or generally care about) anyone's romantic history past cute 'How I met your mother' stories. I can't imagine an argument FOR burdening them with this information and anyone who does so seems rather tacky to me.

[Joker]

A good friend growing up had parents who divorced because of an affair. Her dad married 'the other woman'. She didn't find out until she was an older teenager. She was, of course, angry at first, but later said she is glad no one told her until then. She fears she wouldn't have had the relationship she has with her dad, stepmom, and siblings from their marriage had she been told earlier.

 

I wouldn't interfere, but it would be hard.

[justLisa]

Children that age don't need (or generally care about) anyone's romantic history past cute 'How I met your mother' stories. I can't imagine an argument FOR burdening them with this information and anyone who does so seems rather tacky to me.

 

 

I love that show!!! Sorry...I deal with stressful topics by making myself laugh. Yes I realize I am not funny. But I am funny to me.

 

It sorta sucks all around. I don't know. My parents divorced and then remarried. I always knew much more then they thought I did.

[Arcadia]

if they are likely to hear about it from others, then an explanation may be a good idea.

 

I agree. My gossipy aunts told my nephew and nieces about their father having a mistress before he divorce his wife to marry the mistress.

 

It is better to get the truth from parents than a soap opera version from anyone else.

[mommymilkies]

Children that age don't need (or generally care about) anyone's romantic history past cute 'How I met your mother' stories. I can't imagine an argument FOR burdening them with this information and anyone who does so seems rather tacky to me.

:iagree:

[cindergretta]

Personally, I think children should *never* be told lies, ever. That said, I also don't believe they are "entitled" to the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

 

If I were in that situation, I would have to very carefully weigh the benefits of telling them against the pain and angst it could/would cause. WHY am I telling them? WHAT is my anticipated outcome? HOW will it affect them overall?

 

Life is seriously sticky and for the children involved, it can be so hard. I would hate to add anything to that burden without darn good cause, kwim?

[bolt.]

In general, I don't think that people need to talk about one another's sexual lives. I don't think we need to know who sinned sexually with whom and when. The only reason to explore those issues would be to accurately apportion 'blame' (which is usually unhealthy, but sometimes becomes nessisary) or correctly assess the uprightness of someone's character.

 

So, based on that, generally one's children would not need to be made aware of the affairs or their timing. That's not 'their life' -- it's someone else's life, and it's usually considered private in polite society. Parents should be parenting their children, not chatting about their sex lives or the sex lives of one another.

 

#1 But: Sometimes it's not private, and society is not polite, and children should not be subjected to being the only ones 'out of the loop' regarding something that has already reached the level of scandalous public knoweledge. Sometimes the cat is out of the bag and the private/polite ship has sailed.

 

#2 But: Sometimes blame *is* a major issue. For example: it is not right for a politely silent person to be 'blamed' because they refuse to disclose the blame of the other party.

 

#3 But: Sometimes children do have the need to be able to personally, accurately and correctly assess the moral character of their parents. This would generally be an older child, who has to make decisions about how to relate to each parent, and the degree of trust to extend to each one. That child might need the facts, in which case they should be provided.

[Joanne]

My kids (now going on 18, 16 and 14) all know that their Dad's wife was their Dad's something else before our marriage paper-ended.

 

The kids were 11, 9, and 7 when the divorced happened. I did not tell them, or hint, or "go there."

 

I didn't sit them down and tell them, but in the course of time and maturity, they put it together and I did not protect the secret.

 

Pandas are pretty.

[Mrs Mungo]

So your answer is based upon the possibility of them being 'ratted out'. Not on what is right or wrong?

 

I don't think children need to know the whole truth about their *parents* and the s*x lives of their parents. I don't automatically believe that telling the truth to the kids is "the right thing." But, it is worth weighing whether they might hear it from someone else. In that case, I would rather they heard it from me.

 

Eta: I voted pandas since it was the only other option.

Edited October 10, 2012 by Mrs Mungo

[Crimson Wife]

Age-appropriate for 7 and 11 I would say means, "here's dad's girlfriend, [slutty Beeyatch Homewrecker :tongue_smilie:]". The details surrounding how dad and SBH got together can wait for later IMHO.

[Truscifi]

I would be honest if they asked, but I don't think I would bring it up to them.

[Farrar]

I would be honest if they asked, but I don't think I would bring it up to them.

 

:iagree: I think the key would be not to treat it like some big secret. If the relationship ends, it's possible it'll never come out, but assuming they stay together long term, the kids are going to figure it out. If there's been a lot of lying about it then that's really going to be the cause of resentment. I wouldn't tell, but I wouldn't keep it from them either. If they wanted to talk about it specifically, then I would.

[Catwoman]

So your answer is based upon the possibility of them being 'ratted out'. Not on what is right or wrong?

 

Yup. Because at those ages, I wouldn't just tell them out of the blue, unless I thought someone else would tell them first.

 

 

I don't think children need to know the whole truth about their *parents* and the s*x lives of their parents. I don't automatically believe that telling the truth to the kids is "the right thing." But, it is worth weighing whether they might hear it from someone else. In that case, I would rather they heard it from me.

 

Eta: I voted pandas since it was the only other option.

 

:iagree: My sentiments exactly, all the way down to voting for the pandas.

[Scarlett]

Yup. Because at those ages, I wouldn't just tell them out of the blue, unless I thought someone else would tell them first.

 

 

 

 

:iagree: My sentiments exactly, all the way down to voting for the pandas.

 

Ok, how about you had to divorce your dh because you discovered he was a cheating husband. Your kids want to know, 'but why! Why are you divorcing our father!!!'

[2squared]

Speaking as a child of divorced parents, one of which committed adultery, I do not care to discuss my parents' sex lives. Their sexual relationships are theirs, and their sexual relationships are not a part of my parent/child relationship. I am sure both my parents are sinners, and adultery is just one of the many sins they have committed through their lives. I don't put adultery in a higher or lower sinful category (unless, of course, it was my dh).

 

My mom insisted/wanted to tell me all the wrong things my dad did in their marriage. It was awful. Their marriage was theirs, not mine. He was still my dad, even as a tarnished person. I actually turned toward my dad at that time because he acted as a parent whereas my mom was just an ugly, hurt person. If she had taken a higher road through that season, our relationship would look much different today.

[Mrs Mungo]

I agree kids don't need to know details of their parents sex lives. For instance I've never told my ds12 that his dad is a porn addict and a real sicko. I have also never told him that his father had an affair with my young cousin and hid it from me for 7 years.

 

I also did not divulge to him the many sick things I have recorded on pm chat between his dad and his young girlfriend (she was 24/my then husband was 44.)

 

However I did sit my then 9 year old son down and tell him, 'your father is having an affair....you know from what you've been taught from the Bible that is wrong and that it is so wrong that God does not expect me to tolerate it. I am not going to. I am divorcing your father.'

 

I have never regretted that decision. Ever.

 

My dh his his XW's affairs from his sons. He felt it was her place to tell them. He is now alienated from his 15 year old. He now deeply regrets not being more honest with his kids about why the marriage broke up.

 

You have talked a lot about your ex over the years. I don't believe for a hot second that not revealing the affair is the reason he is estranged from his other kids. Look at everything you have said about how he has been with your son since the divorce. And given what you now know about *your* marriage with him, do you still think everything he told you about his other marriage was true?

 

I don't think I would tell my young kids unless I thought they already knew or I was afraid that someone else might tell them.

Edited October 10, 2012 by Mrs Mungo
Ipad

[cindergretta]

 

My mom insisted/wanted to tell me all the wrong things my dad did in their marriage. It was awful. Their marriage was theirs, not mine. He was still my dad, even as a tarnished person. I actually turned toward my dad at that time because he acted as a parent whereas my mom was just an ugly, hurt person. If she had taken a higher road through that season, our relationship would look much different today.

 

Oh wow, yes. My mother made sure my sister and I knew every sin of our father, real or perceived. OTOH, my father never said a word against our mother until we were well into adulthood. Needless to say, I am estranged from my mother and very close to my father. He expected me to view my mother as nothing other than my mother, not a sick person (she is!!!!) and she wanted nothing more than to vilify our father to us. :( (Guess that colors my perspective quite a bit... )

[Mrs Mungo]

Ok, how about you had to divorce your dh because you discovered he was a cheating husband. Your kids want to know, 'but why! Why are you divorcing our father!!!'

 

Because relationships between adults don't always work out the way that they hoped. Some people cannot live together. I don't *think* (but, will admit that I have never been in this situation to know for sure) I would place all of the blame on him, even if *I FELT* it was all his fault.

[Scarlett]

You have talked a lot about your ex over the years. I don't believe for a hot second that not revealing the affair is the reason he is estranged from his other kids. Look at everything you have said about how he has been with your son since the divorce. And given what you now know about *your* marriage with him, do you think everything he told you about his other marriage was true.

 

I don't think I would tell my young kids unless I thought they already knew or I was afraid that someone else might tell them.

 

I think you are confused. My XH has no other children except my son age 12. I was referring to my CURRENT husband who also had a cheating wife and he protected her actions from their 2 sons. My XH was married to me for 26 years and it was his only marriage.

[Cammie]

This is a tricky one. My parents divorced when I was already an adult. I had strong suspicions about an affair and my father is now married to the woman I suspected he was already in a relationship with. I don't have much of a relationship with her and don't expect I ever will. It took me YEARS (9) to repair my relationship with my father. I think the whole thing would have been easier had I not suspected that there was another person.

 

That being said, I think I would want to inspect my own motives in revealing that kind of information to a kid. Do I want them to hate the other woman? Do I want them to hate their father? Do I want them to sympathize with me? Do I want them to see me as the good person, the righteous person? None of those seem like good reasons to lay this kind of information on a kid.

 

Is it necessary information for an 11 and 7 year old to have? Probably not. Might they figure it out one day? Probably. And if directly asked I would answer honestly. But I would not bring it up and lay it on their shoulders first.

[Scarlett]

Because relationships between adults don't always work out the way that they hoped. Some people cannot live together. I don't *think* (but, will admit that I have never been in this situation to know for sure) I would place all of the blame on him, even if *I FELT* it was all his fault.

 

Well, I did place the blame for the divorce on him. I freely admit to everyone that I wasn't a perfect wife or person but I divorced him because he was having sex with other woman. That is the fact. Ds deserves to know the bare bones facts, not some wishy washy version of reality.

 

I would be furious if my mom had lied to me about why she divorced my dad.

[Mrs Mungo]

I think you are confused. My XH has no other children except my son age 12. I was referring to my CURRENT husband who also had a cheating wife and he protected her actions from their 2 sons. My XH was married to me for 26 years and it was his only marriage.

 

Ah, sorry, I was mixing up the story.

 

Still, I don't think I would tell. Not saying that *you* were wrong for doing so, but you asked what would *I* do. And, I still doubt that not revealing an affair is the *reason* he is estranged. It is probably due to whatever their mom is telling them. They may not have even believed him. If she is willing to poison that relationship, then she might do anything to get her desired result.

[Durriyyah]

Less information is better. I would tell them when they are old enough that people talk and not to believe everything they say and leave it at that. I dislike hearing about the details of my parents failed marriage.

[Mrs Mungo]

Well, I did place the blame for the divorce on him. I freely admit to everyone that I wasn't a perfect wife or person but I divorced him because he was having sex with other woman. That is the fact. Ds deserves to know the bare bones facts, not some wishy washy version of reality.

 

Do what you feel is necessary. But, *I* would not do that because I have seen the results of moms revealing too much in the grown-up relationships of my dh's parents and their kids. It wasn't good for any of the relationships, based on what I have seen. I see 30 years of bile and resentment that nobody can totally get past.

 

I would be furious if my mom had lied to me about why she divorced my dad.

 

How is it a lie to share responsibility? You did what you felt you needed to in *your* relationship with *your* ex and *your* kid. I think you should allow your current husband to do the same.

[TranquilMind]

How much should children be told?

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

About the break up of a marriage.

 

Say a woman and man, both married to other people have an affair. They stop, 'work' on their marriages....eventually divorce both mates and begin seeing each other--again.

 

He has two children. 2 years pass and he keeps his former adultery partner, now girlfriend a secret from his kids.

 

Now they want to 'come out' to the kids.

 

Should these kids be told that this relationship began before he even divorced their mother?

 

A poll to follow.

 

No. They will figure it out soon enough though, when they are older. And those relationships that begin in dishonor rarely, rarely last anyway, so maybe it won't be an issue.

[TranquilMind]

Depends on whether or not the "real" mom will rat them out.

 

It's a rare case where someone won't, even if she does not. Someone always knows and will let it slip sometime.

[TranquilMind]

I didn't sit them down and tell them, but in the course of time and maturity, they put it together and I did not protect the secret.

 

.

 

There is no way to protect the secret anyway. It is always going to come out and it is always going to be bad.

[TranquilMind]

My mom insisted/wanted to tell me all the wrong things my dad did in their marriage. It was awful. Their marriage was theirs, not mine. He was still my dad, even as a tarnished person. I actually turned toward my dad at that time because he acted as a parent whereas my mom was just an ugly, hurt person. If she had taken a higher road through that season, our relationship would look much different today.

 

Right. The high road is the only road if you want to have a relationship later on. I admire people who take the high road.

[cathmom]

What do you mean, they want to come out? Do you mean that ex wants to introduce them and say, "Son, meet my girlfriend. GF, meet son" and your question is, if you should tell ds this is the adultery partner?!?!

 

If that is the question, then NO is my answer.

[LisaKinVA]

There is a HUGE difference between telling kids that you're divorcing because of an affair, and telling kids, "Here's your dad's girlfriend, the one he was sleeping with when we were married."

[elfgivas]

:grouphug: would i tell other people's kids? nope. would i tell my own kids about one of their parents? if they asked, yes. if they didn't ask, no.

 

fwiw,

ann

[LucyStoner]

Parents should not burden their kids with their relationship problems. Parents should not trash their kids' other parent to them either before, during or after a divorce. I can see no innocent or valid reason to tell a child about the sexual indiscretions of their other parent unless they ask about it. Even then it should be done in an age appropriate way that does not guilt the child for feeling attachment or love for a parent.

Edited October 10, 2012 by kijipt

[YourFidgetyFriend]

This happened to me as a child. After my parents divorced, my father married the mistress. Based on my experience, I would not tell the child unless they asked.

 

As adults, me and my sister visited my father and his wife for a week and there was a smiling picture of them dated the same year my sister was born when my parents were still very much married. It was still like a stab to the gut 20 years later.

[Impish]

So your answer is based upon the possibility of them being 'ratted out'. Not on what is right or wrong?

No, for me it would be about what is in the best interest of the children, and I don't think that having to deal w/Dad's mistress is what they need to have thrust upon them.

 

Adults make stupid decisions. It's also their place to protect their kids from as much pain as they can.

 

At ages 7 and 11, no, I don't think they need to know the details of how the relationship started. Why burden them w/that?

[Catwoman]

This happened to me as a child. After my parents divorced, my father married the mistress. Based on my experience, I would not tell the child unless they asked.

 

As adults, me and my sister visited my father and his wife for a week and there was a smiling picture of them dated the same year my sister was born when my parents were still very much married. It was still like a stab to the gut 20 years later.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

Wow. That's just awful. You both must have been so upset!

[StephanieZ]

I voted - No, don't tell.

 

However, I can see your point given the religious beliefs of some denominations (and, I am guessing, your own) that preclude divorce unless there exists some certain subset of marital sin. In that case, I can understand why, if you want to present yourself as upholding your religion, you would feel a need to justify the divorce to your children.

 

I personally hold strong moral commitments to my marriage, but I don't ascribe to a religion that has a short list of acceptable reasons for dissolving a marriage, and, frankly, even if I did, I am pretty confident that I am such a sinner and so imperfect that I'd be OK being imperfect and failing in my kids eyes, although I do understand it would be very hard.

 

I live in a grey world, not a black and white world.

 

I think, at the end of the day, a parent's decision should be based ONLY on what is in the best interest of the child. Given that, I can imagine few circumstances where depicting the other parent as "at fault" is good for the kid.

 

I would try to find a way to tell the child that the marriage failed, that you both made mistakes, that no matter how painful the marriage became, you are both grateful for it because of the child who you created together. And, that you are both very sorry for the loss of the family, and that you both want the child to know and love the other parent, and that you love, love, love the child.

 

When the child asks, WHY?, the answer is, that every marriage is very complicated, and that there were 20,000 days in the marriage, 480,000 hours (or whatever), and that in each of those days and hours, you each made choices that could have been better, but you did the best with what you had (skills/strengths/weaknesses/courage/etc), and that, in the end, you both failed to keep the marriage strong enough to last, and you regret this deeply, particularly for the sake of the child. That there is no one reason why any marriage fails, and that, someday, when the child is an adult, you might be ready to discuss more about it, but that a marriage is always private, and the end of a marriage is always painful, and you really can't and won't discuss the details of it beyond what you have already said.

 

I do understand that in exceptional circumstances with a real asshat on the other side of the divorce, more disclosure might be needed in order to protect your own relationship with the child. I would be very cautious in that, but I guess it could surely happen if the other spouse were lying directly or by implication in a way that alienated YOU from the child. I haven't experienced that kind of hateful divorce or truly malicious parent. I know I am lucky in that!

Edited October 10, 2012 by StephanieZ

[Scarlett]

I voted - No, don't tell.

 

However, I can see your point given the religious beliefs of some denominations (and, I am guessing, your own) that preclude divorce unless there exists some certain subset of marital sin. In that case, I can understand why, if you want to present yourself as upholding your religion, you would feel a need to justify the divorce to your children.!

 

Well, that wasn't exactly the case in my situation. I didn't take my vows lightly, but there were more than a few 'subset of sins' that would have allowed me to divorce him. Regardless, 'we don't get along' wasn't a good enough reason and I would not have tried to pass that off to my ds9 at the time.

 

I didn't tell him the gory details...and I had A LOT of them on record. I just told him 'Your dad has a girlfriend and I'm divorcing him.'

[Crimson Wife]

I think I would try to keep the reason given for the divorce as "sometimes people turn out not to be who you think they are" for a young child and hope it didn't sound too wishy-washy.

[Scarlett]

No, for me it would be about what is in the best interest of the children, and I don't think that having to deal w/Dad's mistress is what they need to have thrust upon them.

 

Adults make stupid decisions. It's also their place to protect their kids from as much pain as they can.

 

At ages 7 and 11, no, I don't think they need to know the details of how the relationship started. Why burden them w/that?

 

Think this through Imp. Say Wolf loses his mind and gets a girlfriend. You decide you are going to divorce him. Then Wolf starts getting visitation and he has his girlfriend around your children. Would you not feel you were betraying your children by helping keep the secret that she is the reason you are divorced Wolf?

[2squared]

I think, at the end of the day, a parent's decision should be based ONLY on what is in the best interest of the child. Given that, I can imagine few circumstances where depicting the other parent as "at fault" is good for the kid.

 

I would try to find a way to tell the child that the marriage failed, that you both made mistakes, that no matter how painful the marriage became, you are both grateful for it because of the child who you created together. And, that you are both very sorry for the loss of the family, and that you both want the child to know and love the other parent, and that you love, love, love the child.

 

When the child asks, WHY?, the answer is, that every marriage is very complicated, and that there were 20,000 days in the marriage, 480,000 hours (or whatever), and that in each of those days and hours, you each made choices that could have been better, but you did the best with what you had (skills/strengths/weaknesses/courage/etc), and that, in the end, you both failed to keep the marriage strong enough to last, and you regret this deeply, particularly for the sake of the child. That there is no one reason why any marriage fails, and that, someday, when the child is an adult, you might be ready to discuss more about it, but that a marriage is always private, and the end of a marriage is always painful, and you really can't and won't discuss the details of it beyond what you have already said.

 

This is beautiful and perfect. I so wish my mom had handled things this way.

 

My kids ask why grandpa has been married 4 times and is now living with yet another woman. I tell them simply that we know God's plan is for everyone to marry one time, forever. However, we are all sinners, and despite our best efforts, sometimes people find following God's plan too difficult. Marriage is complex and private. We can never truly know or understand somone else's marriage (and sometimes not even our own). While Grandpa's choices have no impact on how much we love him, we will be sure to not emulate him. :tongue_smilie:

[Scarlett]

But you know I'm getting my own life confused here with my hypothetical....in my case it was then and there, cut and dried. If it had happened the way I described....2 years had passed....secrets had been kept. Not sure what I would have done...

 

Knowing me though I would still have told my kid the truth. Hey turns out your dad was seeing his girlfriend when we were still married. NOW the divorce is making sense to me!

[Joker]

Think this through Imp. Say Wolf loses his mind and gets a girlfriend. You decide you are going to divorce him. Then Wolf starts getting visitation and he has his girlfriend around your children. Would you not feel you were betraying your children by helping keep the secret that she is the reason you are divorced Wolf?

 

I'm not Imp and I haven't been there, but I honestly wouldn't want to be the person that burdens them with that kind of information. They have enough to deal with considering their parents are now divorced. I also like to think I am the type of mom that wants them to have the best relationship possible with both parents. I haven't been there though, so I can only speculate on how I hope I behave.

[Mrs Mungo]

Think this through Imp. Say Wolf loses his mind and gets a girlfriend. You decide you are going to divorce him. Then Wolf starts getting visitation and he has his girlfriend around your children. Would you not feel you were betraying your children by helping keep the secret that she is the reason you are divorced Wolf?

 

Would I be upset? Yes. Would I feel personal betrayal? Absolutely. Would it make me crazy? Yes. But, I would not feel like I was *betraying* my children by not poisoning their relationship with their dad. Quite the opposite. I have seen the 30+ year results of that and it isn't pretty, not for anyone, including mom.

[Scarlett]

When the child asks, WHY?, the answer is, that every marriage is very complicated, and that there were 20,000 days in the marriage, 480,000 hours (or whatever), and that in each of those days and hours, you each made choices that could have been better, but you did the best with what you had (skills/strengths/weaknesses/courage/etc), and that, in the end, you both failed to keep the marriage strong enough to last, and you regret this deeply, particularly for the sake of the child. That there is no one reason why any marriage fails, and that, someday, when the child is an adult, you might be ready to discuss more about it, but that a marriage is always private, and the end of a marriage is always painful, and you really can't and won't discuss the details of it beyond what you have already said.

 

I guess this is where we differ....I do not believe a marriage is 'private' to that extent to the offspring of said marriage. The marriage made the children but they have no right to know why the marriage ended?

 

You must also know that not all marriages end due to 'complicated' reasons or faults of two people. It takes 2 to make a marriage work, but one can destroy it nicely all on his own.