Older child won't talk

[mommymilkies]

I feel weird posting about this. I didn't know which forum to put this in. Sorry for the novel!

 

My 11.5 year old is a really cool kid. She's very highly intelligent. She has no problems there (other than grammar and the occasional math battle!). She reads at a college level. She has perfect eyes and other than injuring herself in sports a lot, is in prime shape. She has no behavioral problems.

 

But. Her lack of ability to talk to others is starting to concern me. I have always been shy, and until I started Zoloft, I also never talked unless forced or was with someone I was comfortable with and it was a subject I was passionate about. She was not actually too "bad" before Kindergarten. She was shy, but could cope. Being shy myself, I never put much thought into it. But she had a horrible Kindy year at PS. Her shyness has gotten a lot worse, such that she does not talk 99% of the time to anyone outside of our household (and my mother).

 

She will say simple minimal answers when pressed by other family and people we are around a lot. But even with kids she has known for YEARS in sports, she will wave if I nudge her and remind her to wave back, or say "hi" if I press her. She will not talk of her own accord. Recently, I have gotten her to go up at a restaurant and ask for ketchup (YEARS of trying!). But she still says she does not want to. I have tried talking to her about this. She says that she doesn't feel anxious, but she does not want to talk to them.

 

She says she feels like an alien, in a way, and can not relate. The closest she has gotten to normal conversation with a peer is responding in 3 words what her favorite Lego set was. She has never initiated speaking to anyone outside of the household (and Grandma, again), other than the ketchup incident and the like. She will briefly respond if she *has* to. I was thinking it sounds like selective mutism. I ran across something on it on accident the other day and it sounded just like her.

 

But she says she's not afraid to speak, not really. She says she just can't talk. If someone talks to her, her eyes bulge and she looks around like she's checking for an escape, turns away and answers briefly if I make her. Like a cornered animal. She giggles nervously sometimes. She will not talk unless I make her- other than a rare response during soccer practice with her team mates and with her piano or violin teachers.

 

I would say this is something she'll grow out of, but it seems to have gotten worse, and I've waited 6 years already hoping it will ease up. But my dh has lost patience. He is not a shy guy at all and doesn't get it. For example, it's really hard for her to say "Thank You," to anyone. Not because she's not thankful. She will happily write it down. But speaking is difficult. Dh blames my social ineptitude on this, but I'm good at faking a degree of social ability around the kids to teach them manners and skills. He has a problem with lashing out at her when she doesn't promptly say Thanks or respond to strangers and extended family. Then she just feels bad.

 

I don't know what to do. Is this normal (I hardly consider myself a normal comparison! :lol: ) Can someone give me reassuring words to share with my dh? Or is this something I'm overreacting about? Should I just leave it be? Or look into a therapist to help her learn some social skills?

[Scarlett]

I feel weird posting about this. I didn't know which forum to put this in. Sorry for the novel!

 

My 11.5 year old is a really cool kid. She's very highly intelligent. She has no problems there (other than grammar and the occasional math battle!). She reads at a college level. She has perfect eyes and other than injuring herself in sports a lot, is in prime shape. She has no behavioral problems.

 

But. Her lack of ability to talk to others is starting to concern me. I have always been shy, and until I started Zoloft, I also never talked unless forced or was with someone I was comfortable with and it was a subject I was passionate about. She was not actually too "bad" before Kindergarten. She was shy, but could cope. Being shy myself, I never put much thought into it. But she had a horrible Kindy year at PS. Her shyness has gotten a lot worse, such that she does not talk 99% of the time to anyone outside of our household (and my mother).

 

She will say simple minimal answers when pressed by other family and people we are around a lot. But even with kids she has known for YEARS in sports, she will wave if I nudge her and remind her to wave back, or say "hi" if I press her. She will not talk of her own accord. Recently, I have gotten her to go up at a restaurant and ask for ketchup (YEARS of trying!). But she still says she does not want to. I have tried talking to her about this. She says that she doesn't feel anxious, but she does not want to talk to them.

 

She says she feels like an alien, in a way, and can not relate. The closest she has gotten to normal conversation with a peer is responding in 3 words what her favorite Lego set was. She has never initiated speaking to anyone outside of the household (and Grandma, again), other than the ketchup incident and the like. She will briefly respond if she *has* to. I was thinking it sounds like selective mutism. I ran across something on it on accident the other day and it sounded just like her.

 

But she says she's not afraid to speak, not really. She says she just can't talk. If someone talks to her, her eyes bulge and she looks around like she's checking for an escape, turns away and answers briefly if I make her. Like a cornered animal. She giggles nervously sometimes. She will not talk unless I make her- other than a rare response during soccer practice with her team mates and with her piano or violin teachers.

 

I would say this is something she'll grow out of, but it seems to have gotten worse, and I've waited 6 years already hoping it will ease up. But my dh has lost patience. He is not a shy guy at all and doesn't get it. For example, it's really hard for her to say "Thank You," to anyone. Not because she's not thankful. She will happily write it down. But speaking is difficult. Dh blames my social ineptitude on this, but I'm good at faking a degree of social ability around the kids to teach them manners and skills. He has a problem with lashing out at her when she doesn't promptly say Thanks or respond to strangers and extended family. Then she just feels bad.

 

I don't know what to do. Is this normal (I hardly consider myself a normal comparison! :lol: ) Can someone give me reassuring words to share with my dh? Or is this something I'm overreacting about? Should I just leave it be? Or look into a therapist to help her learn some social skills?

 

 

Awww. :grouphug: I just want to hug you both. My ds12 has had a few bouts of social terror...so I know what it looks like...but normally he will talk to anyone about anything.

 

I do think it 'might' be time to see a therapist.....but I"m not hard set on that opinion. Maybe it is just her.....but if her dad is frustrated with her....maybe she does need to broaden just a bit.

[Tohru]

I don't want to concern you or anything, but maybe she has a touch of Asperger's or is on the autism spectrum? I've met a few kids that have Asperger's, are super intelligent in one way or another, but refuse or have an extremely difficult time talking to people.

[Jilly]

My son did not speak for four years, and he had selective mutism. With him he could only talk to immediate family and a few other close friends and that was it. He could not speak in any other situation at all. I am not sure your daughter has selective mutism because she can speak when you make her, even if it is only a few words.

 

Maybe you are dealing with social anxiety? Either way I would look into talking to a therapist to see if they have any ideas or advice. :grouphug:

[abbeyej]

Given her age, if it were my kid, I would look for a therapist *now* rather than waiting. Where language is involved, it's helpful to address things before puberty, if at all possible, and as soon afterward if not... I would NOT put this off. You've worked with her. You've given her time to mature out of it. It has not gotten better and her behavior is well outside the range of normal and interferes with her ability to live a normal life. (Yes, right now she's got you as a buffer, but unless there's radical improvement, it will *severely* limit her ability to function as an adult in the world.)

 

I would look for a good therapist who can evaluate her and get her started quickly with some appropriate therapy.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Given her age, if it were my kid, I would look for a therapist *now* rather than waiting. Where language is involved, it's helpful to address things before puberty, if at all possible, and as soon afterward if not... I would NOT put this off. You've worked with her. You've given her time to mature out of it. It has not gotten better and her behavior is well outside the range of normal and interferes with her ability to live a normal life. (Yes, right now she's got you as a buffer, but unless there's radical improvement, it will *severely* limit her ability to function as an adult in the world.)

 

I would look for a good therapist who can evaluate her and get her started quickly with some appropriate therapy.

 

:iagree: (My dd had selective mutism when younger but has been in therapy, which has helped her tremendously. She has now graduated from therapy.)

[DarlaS]

My son did not speak for four years, and he had selective mutism. With him he could only talk to immediate family and a few other close friends and that was it. He could not speak in any other situation at all. I am not sure your daughter has selective mutism because she can speak when you make her, even if it is only a few words.

 

Maybe you are dealing with social anxiety? Either way I would look into talking to a therapist to see if they have any ideas or advice. :grouphug:

 

:iagree:

 

I think my youngest might have it. No amount of coaxing will get him to speak when he freezes up.

 

Playing with friends, however, loosens him up and if he can relax and forget himself a bit, he has a good time. It's still not like a real one on one conversation. Just kids jumping on a trampoline and such as a group.

 

He seldom talks to anyone outside the family and often whispers when talking to me. In fact, he just came over and whispered to me about how big the holes were in his pants (We were painting today.).

[catz]

:grouphug: I'm sorry!

 

I had this problem totally as a kid and I really wish my parents would have helped me with it. So I agree it might be the time to seek outside help early - I think she's the perfect age if she hasn't overcome this. Some kids need to learn to engage with others, especially in groups. I am fine now and can chat with anyone, but it took a long time and a lot of conscious effort on my part until I was comfortable. I'm borderline extrovert on the Myers-Briggs, not actually strongly introverted at all. I think part of my issue is growing up I was surrounded by extremely strong, boisterous, and theatrical personalities that made it intimidating.

 

I have one 14 year old niece who won't engage anyone in conversation at family gatherings except one cousin. I think it's going to be a tough road for her because her parents aren't really engaged with her.

[1bassoon]

She says she feels like an alien, in a way, and can not relate.

 

Should I just leave it be? Or look into a therapist to help her learn some social skills?

 

The bolded is what concerns me.

 

I have a student like this. His mom does some positive reinforcement with him in my classes, but even after a year, he hardly talks. I'm pretty concerned about him, and wish she would look in to getting some professional help. I won't say anything unless she asks, though.

 

:grouphug: for you. This can't be easy. You sound like a great mom.

[OrganicAnn]

If it were just shyness, I would say that being shy is a set of coping behaviors and you can learn new behaviors. But it sounds like it may be more than shyness.

 

I know one thing that my DD does is she thinks that other people know what she is thinking when she reacts a certain way. Like she thinks people know she is embarrassed when she frowns and shakes her head 'no". When I tell her that she is giving of the impression that she is unhappy, then she will stop doing it.

 

Could you role play with your daughter. Have her ask you a question and respond like she would. Maybe even have your DH respond to you as he would or you would to her. Then she could see what her behavior looks like to others.

[mommymilkies]

:grouphug: I'm sorry!

 

I had this problem totally as a kid and I really wish my parents would have helped me with it. So I agree it might be the time to seek outside help early - I think she's the perfect age if she hasn't overcome this. Some kids need to learn to engage with others, especially in groups. I am fine now and can chat with anyone, but it took a long time and a lot of conscious effort on my part until I was comfortable. I'm borderline extrovert on the Myers-Briggs, not actually strongly introverted at all. I think part of my issue is growing up I was surrounded by extremely strong, boisterous, and theatrical personalities that made it intimidating.

 

I have one 14 year old niece who won't engage anyone in conversation at family gatherings except one cousin. I think it's going to be a tough road for her because her parents aren't really engaged with her.

Thanks, everyone.

 

She is in a lot of group situations-Suzuki, soccer, softball, sometimes gymnastics, aikido, etc. She has no anxiety about going to these, it's just the interaction she dislikes. I know for me, school made it worse, and being bullied at school definitely left her to where she would never in a million years go back.

 

We are very engaged with her, too. She's kind of my companion. She is loud and talkative and fully engaged with very select people. Everyone in my house but my youngest two is introverted, so I don't think she's overwhelmed comparing herself. :lol:

 

Does anyone know what kind of therapy to look for? Talk to the Nurse Practitioner first? Just a child psych? I have no idea where to start. We are so rural, I just hope I can find something!

[psychmom]

:grouphug: I struggled with this a bit as a child, too. I remember in school other kids asking me if I could talk. I think for me it gradually improved, but I know from kids I've worked with that it doesn't always dissipate on its own. I'm guessing that she does feel anxious, but might not be able to identify it as anxiety because it's such an ingrained response. She probably recognizes that there is nothing "dangerous" in talking to others, but it's hard to convince her "bird brain" which kicks in the fight-or-flight response without any rational thought whatsoever! I think if she's willing to work with someone, a cognitive-behavioral approach could be very effective. I like Aureen Wagner's Worried No More, which can be used with many different types of anxiety. Good luck to you and your dd...

[mommymilkies]

Could you role play with your daughter. Have her ask you a question and respond like she would. Maybe even have your DH respond to you as he would or you would to her. Then she could see what her behavior looks like to others.

 

I tried this awhile back with her. She said she understood why people would be upset when she was not a very vocal Thanker (that's not a real word, I know!), but she can't do it. She just can't talk. I should probably try again.

[SKL]

My nephew is a great kid and super intelligent. He reached the highest Boy Scout rank at an exceptionally early age. He's been in b&m school since KG. But he can't answer a simple social question like "how's your summer going" without a tremendous amount of pausing and stammering. He was diagnosed recently with Aspergers, which I'd already suspected. I'm not sure if there's something more going on. But when I saw him last summer at a graduation and he was so at a loss for words, I thought his parents ought to find some therapist for him. Speech therapy or what, I don't know, but a kid needs to be able to carry on a basic, shallow conversation if he hopes to have much of a future.

 

He has two parents who also aren't much for talking. His dad stammers terribly while "looking for the right words," and his mom doesn't seem to like talking if she can avoid it. Maybe with parents like that, he has no trouble being understood at home, LOL. But I agree with the others - I'd be looking into some sort of service for her, or at the least, role play some situations until some basic niceties roll easily off her tongue.

[Violet Crown]

Wee Girl is selectively mute, and it's almost exactly like what you describe (keeping in mind a 6-year age difference). If she will talk to a therapist, I would go that route.

 

Most people assume she's just shy, but we've figured out that she isn't - actually she's pretty outgoing - but she dreads the expectation to speak, and so acts in a shy way. With people who know her and don't expect her to talk, she doesn't behave shyly at all - she just doesn't talk. Purely social speech (thank you, please, etc.) are the hardest for her, I think because there is so much social pressure to produce these utterances.

 

There aren't any useful studies of selective mutism, but anecdotal evidence suggests that behavioral therapy has good outcomes.

[Firestar Academy]

Given her age, if it were my kid, I would look for a therapist *now* rather than waiting. Where language is involved, it's helpful to address things before puberty, if at all possible, and as soon afterward if not... I would NOT put this off. You've worked with her. You've given her time to mature out of it. It has not gotten better and her behavior is well outside the range of normal and interferes with her ability to live a normal life. (Yes, right now she's got you as a buffer, but unless there's radical improvement, it will *severely* limit her ability to function as an adult in the world.)

 

I would look for a good therapist who can evaluate her and get her started quickly with some appropriate therapy.

 

:iagree::iagree:

 

i know someone IRL whose daughter is hmmm 20 or 21(?) years old and cannot go into a store and ask where something is. mom still does it for her.

 

just think if this is where she is headed in 10 years.

 

robin

[TippyCanoe]

nm

[mommymilkies]

Dd was selectively mute in preschool; her refusal to talk to adults or initiate conversations with other children was what first started us down the homeschooling path. For years she was very like what you describe: chatty at home to selected people (for years, me and her grandmother, widening eventually to include her dad) and either mute or monosyllabic to everyone else.

 

She can occasionally open up, but it can take her, literally, years to feel comfortable in social situations like co-ops or lessons or other activities.

 

As she's gotten older (now 16), she will respond to any question asked of her, often elaborating. She will call her grandmother or her dad on the phone; she's only twice called girls she knows. The biggest issue she still has is that she is incredibly reluctant to initiate any social interaction at all outside scripted situations (classes where you raise your hand, restaurants where a waiter asks what you would like to eat).

 

We have tried social skills groups (she's been diagnosed with Asperger's) and cognitive behavior therapy, but neither has done the trick. However, what saves me from complete despair or panic is that I've noticed when she really, really wants something, she can break out of her isolation and reluctance to say or ask something brief. These occasions have become slightly more frequent as she's gotten older. When addressed she can seem perfectly normal until you realize she's not asking anybody questions -- that happens REALLY rarely. It's something that her dad, also an Aspie, still finds hard to do.

 

I heard an interview by the author of Look Me in the Eye, a memoir about Asperger's; the author said that he simply cannot, cannot initiate social interactions or conversation even now as an adult in his fifties with a successful business restoring classic cars. He realizes this, and he has put his effort into being receptive to the overtures of others. I see dd going down this same road, gradually becoming more open to receiving conversation, and becoming more comfortable on the edges of conversations and interactions. She's had a few successful overnights with girls her age, but she's still more comfortable in more structured, formal situations. I hold out hope that she will become, like her father, a less anxious and more sociable adult once she is around more people who share her interests and her activities.

 

This is very helpful. It sounds like dd and I both, honestly. But hers seems more severe right now. I just hope I can get her to the point of calling someone or having a sleepover! Now I just need to figure out how to find a therapist. Is this something SLPs can help with?

[somo_chickenlady]

I don't want to concern you or anything, but maybe she has a touch of Asperger's or is on the autism spectrum? I've met a few kids that have Asperger's, are super intelligent in one way or another, but refuse or have an extremely difficult time talking to people.

 

Your daughter sounds EXACTLY like me...last weekend we were at the grocery store and I spoke to a stranger about a kind of tea that I like to drink, and it was such an uncommon occurrence that my husband praised me for it. According to the symptoms, I do believe that I have a form of Aspergers. I have a severe fear and anxiety of speaking (like my heart feels like it is going to beat out of my chest and I feel like vomiting) to people I'm not comfortable with. I'm talking I have to be around them all day long almost every day, unless that person is SO more outgoing than I am and they are willing to do most of the talking. LOL I like working b/c I'm around people enough that I open up to then eventually. Even just seeing someone once or twice a week isn't enough to make me feel comfortable around them.

 

Even my own mother or my inlaws, who I have known my whole life and 15 years respectively, I have a hard time talking to them. Luckily my MIL is talkative, but my poor FIL has the symptoms of Aspergers and is quiet like me, so if it is just the two of us in the room, it is totally quiet. LOL

 

I get most of my social interaction with my DH and DS, my MIL, BIL, and SIL when I'm around them (they all live 7 hours away), or online. I go to quite a few forums, and have met a lot of people online.

Edited September 30, 2012 by somo_chickenlady

[swellmomma]

My ds9 is similiar but different. He can not and pretty much will not speak to adults other than me. With kids he has no problem talking. He likes to talk to adults through me.

 

One thing that is helping is his online lit class. It is a parent and child class. Most of the time I type his responses in the chat box, but for short answers I make him use the mic. He is still not liking talking to people irl, but he has improved so much already in just 3 weeks from using the mic. He can look at me and pretend it is just us while actually answering questions from someone else. I really hope it extends more into face to face conversations, but for now, I get to have him whispering in my ear while I relay information.

 

Funny enough he can order his own meals, or ask for things when out to eat, or in a store buying something. But if the person asks a question outside of the topic he wants (food, or cost of something etc) he will just stop talking to them, and switch to speaking through me.

 

I was more like your daughter than my son is. I overcame it as a teenager in junior high school. I decided I had enough of having no voice and started doing speech contests. As I started winning, I got more confident in my speaking abilities. I won a bronze in grade 8, in grade 9 I won silver and then a month later gold. At that point I stopped doing speeches. This would NOT have worked at all if I had not chosen it and had the detemination to be able to speak to others (and in front of others). When I speak to a group my heart still races but I can do it, I can walk up to strangers (like the moms at dance class, or a person in line at the grocery etc) and start a conversation or jump into one already happening.

 

Give your dd time. Encourage her of course, but don't push too hard. If really worried have an assessment done. Otherwise work within her parameters and try to find a way she can break out of that on her own.

Edited September 30, 2012 by swellmomma

[kroe1]

Our youngest used to be like this. Some friends suggested we put her in an acting class. I thought it was the dumbest idea I've ever heard. How could a child who could not even order her own food at a restaurant survive an acting class? I was thinking more along the lines of a therapist.

 

As it turns out the acting class was cheaper than the therapist so we gave it a whirl. Initially DD would only whisper or barely participate. So the teacher told me she wanted to have my DD for private lessons. Ha, I thought she was just trying to get more money! But DD would have a private lesson for 1 hour before her regular 1 hour class. After about 4 months, my DD said she wanted to take a stand up comedy class, too. What????

 

Now she's 12 and we cannot keep her off a stage. She auditions and performs in everything she possibly can. And she will talk to EVERYONE she meets. And she has lots of friends of all ages.

 

I'm not saying she isn't shy anymore. Her inherent personality is the same. But she has learned to overcome all of her socialization fears. And she looks everyone in the eye when she talks. No one can believe me when I tell them she is extremely shy.

 

Good luck with your own DD. What you've described is just plain ol' shyness to me. I always recommend acting now to my friends who have shy kiddos. And I've seen quite a few blossom after learning to perform.

 

:)

[Pawz4me]

My 13-yo DS is similar to your DD.

 

He frequently won't speak to strangers. We were at the dollar store last week buying birthday cards, and the cashier asked him if he didn't have school that day. Instead of giving her the very simple answer of being homeschooled, he just started at her and glanced at me. So I had to answer. When we got back in the car I told him that he appeared rude when he did that.

 

But at home or with people he knows well he's often very talkative, especially if it's sort of a neutral topic (i.e., discussing what's happening currently in college/professional sports). But it takes him a long time to get to the "knows well" stage. He has no problem ordering in restaurants (although I admit that's something he's very familiar with!).

 

I have wondered if perhaps he's Aspie. He had sensory and speech issues as a toddler and IMO has a few other symptoms. But if he is I suspect it's very borderline. I've never pursued a diagnosis because I'm not sure what purpose it would serve?

 

And OTOH I was a lot like that as a kid. I had a very hard time getting to the point of going up and ordering something for myself at a fast food place. I was fine sitting at a table and ordering with my parents there, but walking up to someone by myself was very difficult. And DH reports being the same way. We both managed to eventually outgrow/overcome it and function quite well, although both of us are definitely introverts.

 

Listening closely to what others have to say . . .

[Sahamamama]

http://www.selectivemutism.org/

[warneral]

Well I thought my dd had selective mutism but in k'garten the school counselor psychologist basically told me it was my fault and that she didn't have it.

 

I beg to differ. My DH is the quiet one. It's his fault ;)

 

She makes small improvements over time. Her biggest problem is knowing what to say. We work on it at home.

[Parrothead]

I can't offer any advice. But your dd is not alone. She sounds very much like my dd.

 

Oh, I will say this; the anxiety/SM is something extroverts will never understand. Please consider getting your dh some literature on social anxiety and SM. His behavior is perhaps making your dd's anxiety worse.

[amyable]

My 12yo dd is similar. I used to blame the hearing loss she has (she can hear fine in one ear, hardly at all in the other - but hates her aid and doesn't wear it much)... I've tried talking to her about it, I've tried role playing, it hasn't really helped. What would a therapist DO that is so successful?

 

ETA: thanks for the selective mutism link above.

Edited September 30, 2012 by amyable

[abbeyej]

...Most people assume she's just shy, but we've figured out that she isn't - actually she's pretty outgoing - but she dreads the expectation to speak, and so acts in a shy way...

 

I think this is really important! For some kids, this *isn't* about shyness or even the *typical* social anxiety.

[Momof3littles]

I would consult a professional. I think you need to tease out whether it is something like social anxiety or Asperger's, or something else entirely (selective mutism, etc.)

 

The "feeling like an alien" comment would have me concerned that it isn't just an issue of "shyness," but about a larger issue with picking up on social cues, interactions with others, etc. perhaps.

[mommymilkies]

My 13-yo DS is similar to your DD.

 

He frequently won't speak to strangers. We were at the dollar store last week buying birthday cards, and the cashier asked him if he didn't have school that day. Instead of giving her the very simple answer of being homeschooled, he just started at her and glanced at me. So I had to answer. When we got back in the car I told him that he appeared rude when he did that.

.

 

Oh yes. I know that look well. :lol:

 

I talked to dh more about this last night. He just can not wrap his mind around her not meaning to be rude. Which I can't understand because she expresses to us she doesn't mean to be rude and is really about the nicest kid ever. (Of course, I'm biased!) idk, our conversation didn't really get anywhere. He blamed by social ineptitude on her issues and said that since I have asked him a few times to go ask someone at a restaurant for something and said I didn't want to (no doubt holding a baby, dishing out food after ordering while he sat on his itouch, but that's another conversation), that that is the reason she won't talk. Tat makes zero sense. She sees me talking to people every day we leave this house without a vocal complaint. I'm trying to get him to read up on it, but well, he says he is dyslexic and won't. Does anyone know of good movies, documentaries, or YouTube videos on this for me to make him watch? I'm not the perfect parent, but it would be nice to have some blame lifted off of me.

 

I have been searching for ages for acting classes, but alas. We are so rural that it would be 2.5 hours to the nearest ones!

 

Swellmomma, I'm intrigued. What online lit class is your ds taking? Sounds like something dd should do.

[dsmith]

Ds is selectively mute and has Asperger's Syndrome. He will talk his head off to people he is comfortable with, usually about one of his obsessive interests. When he was in school he rarely spoke to anyone. He had one teacher he felt comfortable with, and the school principal. The kids were very sweet and tried so hard to get him to talk to them, but it didn't work out. A few years of homeschooling has made a big difference in him. He will order food, answer questions from unfamiliar people, etc. Still working on the peer interactions, but that is more where the Asperger's comes in.:tongue_smilie: Many therapists don't believe in homeschooling for selective mutism. Every single one I have spoken with has insisted he must go to school. Our neurologist disagrees. :001_smile: He's seen the progress we have made. Asperger's is more than difficulty in social interactions, although girls can present very differently from boys. A consult with a professional would be worth it. For now, I would remove any pressure to talk. Do not force the issue! I've always allowed my son to nod or point if he really couldn't talk. When he did talk I would praise with one brief word or a nod of my head and smile, but not make a big deal about it.

[Joanne]

In responding to this, I'd like to address an important side issue. I am not sure if your DH or *you* used the words "social awkwardness" in describing you. However, your DH's perspective on this is not helpful at the moment, regardless of how you decide to help and support your dd.

 

I'm not fond of the word "normal" to assess behavior. But I will say that your dd's behavior is not within age-expected behaviors. The fact that she self describes as feeling like an alien demonstrates self-awareness that she knows her reaction to life's social expectations are not what other people experience.

 

In terms of your DH, I'm concerned that he thinks 1) there is something wrong with you 2) there is something wrong with her 3) you caused, or helped to cause the behavior in her. This is not a helpful or productive way to cognitively frame the situation. For your dd's benefit, I hope that he can learn a better way to conceptualize the issue.

 

I don't attach stigma to mental illness. Therefore, saying someone has a mental illness is no different to me than saying someone has asthma, or diabetes. This situation seems a bit "more" and "different" than someone on the extreme introvert side of the scale.

 

I think you'll find it challenging to find specialized, experienced help for this in a rural setting, but I sure hope you are wrong!

 

If you haven't already, begin some supportive, nurturing, loving conversations with your dd about how this behavior is going to be a severe handicap to her moving into an adult life, and how something in her brain doesn't work right/process social interaction correctly. Tell her, repeatedly, it is not her fault that she shuts down, but that it is her responsiblity to treat (help) the part of her brain that is not functioning well.

 

And find a way, in the context of your family culture, to tell your DH to back off or be quiet. ;)

 

:grouphug:

[Tap]

DD5 is PDD-NOS (likely Aspergers). We work on conversation skills in her behavior therapy and she has done some conversation work with a speech therapist. The speech therapist wasn't for pronunciation, it was for dialog only.

 

The behavior therapist is great at working through the feelings and vocalization at the same time. The speech therapist only works on the speech part of it.

[Parrothead]

Oh yes. I know that look well. :lol:

 

I talked to dh more about this last night. He just can not wrap his mind around her not meaning to be rude. Which I can't understand because she expresses to us she doesn't mean to be rude and is really about the nicest kid ever. (Of course, I'm biased!) idk, our conversation didn't really get anywhere. He blamed by social ineptitude on her issues and said that since I have asked him a few times to go ask someone at a restaurant for something and said I didn't want to (no doubt holding a baby, dishing out food after ordering while he sat on his itouch, but that's another conversation), that that is the reason she won't talk. Tat makes zero sense. She sees me talking to people every day we leave this house without a vocal complaint. I'm trying to get him to read up on it, but well, he says he is dyslexic and won't. Does anyone know of good movies, documentaries, or YouTube videos on this for me to make him watch? I'm not the perfect parent, but it would be nice to have some blame lifted off of me.

 

I have been searching for ages for acting classes, but alas. We are so rural that it would be 2.5 hours to the nearest ones!

 

Swellmomma, I'm intrigued. What online lit class is your ds taking? Sounds like something dd should do.

You know this is twice now you've mentioned your dh's rude way of addressing what is probably a good bit of introvertedness in you (and your dd). I was going to say more about it but, Joanne said it much nicer than I ever would.

 

I would like to say that perhaps you may want to point out to him that he should be taking it upon himself to find way to understand and assist his daughter in overcoming what is essentially a disability instead of berating you and calling ugly names. :grouphug:

[swellmomma]

Swellmomma, I'm intrigued. What online lit class is your ds taking? Sounds like something dd should do.

 

This particular one is with my school board (though we have one classmate from trinidad so it is not limited to Alberta students). I am sure there are others out there that are similiar. If you want to see if you can register for one of the classes in winter term check out www.wisdomhomeschooling.com I am not sure of their rules about registrants so I can't promise you could sign up but it is worth checking out. My big kids take lit classes and classical poetry too. They are a board that draws in unschoolers but favors classical and offers tons of classes with socratic discussion, latin, euclid's geometry etc. So if they allow non-Alberta students it could be beneficial long term too. If you can't register with them I am sure there is other similar programs out there.

[justasque]

I tried this awhile back with her. She said she understood why people would be upset when she was not a very vocal Thanker (that's not a real word, I know!), but she can't do it. She just can't talk. I should probably try again.

 

I can't help with the larger issue, but I wonder if you could find a non-verbal way for your dd to express thanks, to address your dh's concern. For example, the ASL sign for thank you is a beautiful gesture. Now if the issue is about communication in general, then the gesture would be as hard as a verbal thanks. But if its the verbal part that's a large part of the issue, the simple gesture could express the thought without the stress of having to verbalize it.

[mommymilkies]

I talked to dd's soccer coach tonight. She says she will respond to one girl on the team and she says a few words each practice in response to the coach, too (I.e. how are you? "Fine". What did you do today? "Violin". The coach got there late, so I observed her interacting with her teammates at close range. They would talk to her and she turned her back on them like she was deaf and would do anything possible not to respond. Wen I asked her she said "I can't!". Sigh. I got dh to watch a 4 part YouTube movie on selective mutism, and I'm reading a book on it now and I don't know if it really fits. Because she can say something (a couple words if lucky) if pushed to. The kids on the movie really couldn't. Idk.