A friend was mean to me and I let her have it.

[Trresh]

I generally don't do that but I had had enough.

 

I have three kids. This will be our 5th year of homeschooling but my first year teaching all three kids. Mean friend called last night and said "So, how has having all three at home been....awful?" She didn't say it jokingly or even matter of fact. She sounded like the idea was repugnant to her. My equally nasty reply was "I'm sorry you don't like your son enough to want him home all day but I happen to love my kids and enjoy having them home with me." or something along those lines. I then got off the phone.

 

The thing is I don't really believe what I said. Just because someone sends their kid to school doesn't mean they don't like them. I just was hurt and wanted to hurt her back. Real mature, I know, but I've had it with her. She's said similar nasty things to me over the years.

 

I want to point out that I'm not a holier-than-thou homeschooling mom. I really don't think I've done anything to deserve or create this type of attitude from her.

 

And if I remember correctly, I think I got the idea for my reply from these forums.

[kalanamak]

Some people are more mordant than others. Some respect a bite back, some cry below the belt.

Hope she learned not to mess with you.

 

ETA: I often try to deal with such things by giggling. I'm either genuinely amused that someone is such a maroon, or I play the part of responding to their "humor", because it is "obvious" no intelligent person could say that with sincere intent.

Edited August 11, 2012 by kalanamak

[Catwoman]

Don't beat yourself up. She had it coming. :boxing_smiley:

[NotSoObvious]

I've had friends- good friends- who make mean comments again and again, but don't really see them as mean, or feel entitled to make them. Those are people I choose not to associate with anymore. You can only take so much before it's just not worth the friendship anymore. Either she'll take a hint or you don't need her!

[justLisa]

OUCH! This has "mean girl" written all over it!

[*********]

Um, do *friends* really say that to other friends?

[plansrme]

I JUST had this conversation with my 14 year old. Sometimes, mean people need to be called on their meanness. Otherwise, they do it over and over and over again. I defer to your judgment that she had it coming. And good for you. If she didn't mean to be mean, well, now she knows. If she meant to be mean, glad you let her know it.

 

Terri

[Dustybug]

Um, do *friends* really say that to other friends?

 

This.

[celticmom]

Don't beat yourself up. She had it coming. :boxing_smiley:

:iagree:

[Coffeetime]

I'm confused. How is what she said to you being "mean" to you?

 

I think what you said to her was horrible. :001_huh:

[Guest]

I'm confused. How is what she said to you being "mean" to you?

 

I think what you said to her was horrible. :001_huh:

 

Sometimes we get tired of having to defend homeschooling. I guess it was the straw-that-broke type of comment.

 

I have often thought that people have felt free to say things to me regarding homeschooling that I would never say to them about not homeschooling. Sometimes it's pleasurable to just tag someone back.

[justamouse]

She now knows which line to not cross. :grouphug:

[Trresh]

I'm confused. How is what she said to you being "mean" to you?

 

I think what you said to her was horrible. :001_huh:

 

Quill nailed it pretty accurately.

 

I've been home with my kids since my oldest was 11 months. Over the years she's told me that she doesn't understand how I can stand to stay home and that maternity leave was all that she could stand. She has one child (he's a senior this year). I have three and there have been times she calls and WWIII breaks out between my kids and she'll say stuff like "I don't know how you stand it!" but it's not just what she says. It's how she says it.

 

I never say anything negative about PS to anyone that sends their kids to one. I would never be that mean spirited so where she gets off bad mouthing my schooling choices is beyond me.

Edited August 11, 2012 by Trresh

[brownie]

It would probably be awful for her. It's amazing how many people would consider it awful to have their kids around. It's as if the day their kids are born they are counting the days until they get on the bus...and these are often nice people and wonderful moms. There are days it IS awful for me, but I enjoy having my kids around nonetheless and taking responsibility "full-time" for how they turn out.

[kolamum]

:grouphug:

 

I'm sorry you blew your cool. I'm not so sure your friend is a good friend if she'd be so rude about your choices. It's one thing to let your friend know you're worried about her, or perhaps to voice a concern or confusion about her choice, but regardless of how you feel if you can't cheer her on or at least keep your mouth shut if no ones getting hurt, then I'm just not so sure it's a good friend.

[laundrycrisis]

Quill nailed it pretty accurately.

 

I've been home with my kids since my oldest was 11 months. Over the years she's told me that she doesn't understand how I can stand to stay home and that maternity leave was all that she could stand. She has one child (he's a senior this year). I have three and there have been times she calls and WWIII breaks out between my kids and she'll say stuff like "I don't know how you stand it!" but it's not just what she says. It's how she says it.

 

I never say anything negative about PS to anyone that sends their kids to one. I would never be that mean spirited so where she gets off bad mouthing my schooling choices is beyond me.

 

Really, it's not cool to make verbal digs about someone's children. Supportive friends don't do this. I would not be able to maintain a friendship with someone who frequently made negative little remarks about our children. I would have to distance myself. Eventually I might even need to swat back.

[MrsBasil]

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

I don't think she's your friend if she constantly makes cracks about how you've chosen to live your life.

 

It may feel awful to have said such a thing, but if she's dished out all this crud to you over the years she should have been prepared to get it back.

[Coffeetime]

Quill nailed it pretty accurately.

 

I've been home with my kids since my oldest was 11 months. Over the years she's told me that she doesn't understand how I can stand to stay home and that maternity leave was all that she could stand. She has one child (he's a senior this year). I have three and there have been times she calls and WWIII breaks out between my kids and she'll say stuff like "I don't know how you stand it!" but it's not just what she says. It's how she says it.

 

I never say anything negative about PS to anyone that sends their kids to one. I would never be that mean spirited so where she gets off bad mouthing my schooling choices is beyond me.

 

Ah. Gotcha.

[TranquilMind]

I'm confused. How is what she said to you being "mean" to you?

 

I think what you said to her was horrible. :001_huh:

 

I gotta agree, but of course I don't know her or her intent. Her words are pretty commonplace stuff you hear everywhere this time of year - about how great it will be when all the kids are back in school.

 

You put her in her place, but not in a way that is conducive to ongoing friendship. Maybe you don't care, and you are the one with the history with her of course, but those words alone, don't sound "mean" to me (without knowing history) but more like "HOW do you DO it?"

[TranquilMind]

Ah. Gotcha.

Oh...should have read on. It's a history thing. Got it.

[mom2samlibby]

I'm confused. How is what she said to you being "mean" to you?

 

I think what you said to her was horrible. :001_huh:

 

:iagree: I didn't hear her tone, so maybe it was said meanly, but from what you've written, it sounds like she was just asking you how it went and expected you to have found it to be a rough beginning.

 

 

ETA: I see you added more info.

Edited August 11, 2012 by mom2samlibby

[kb44]

I would let it go, but if she continues to bad mouth your decision or have attitude, maybe it's not worth the fights?! So sorry!

[kitten18]

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

I don't think she's your friend if she constantly makes cracks about how you've chosen to live your life.

 

It may feel awful to have said such a thing, but if she's dished out all this crud to you over the years she should have been prepared to get it back.

:iagree:

[RanchGirl]

Your response sounds much nastier than her comment to you. Couldn't you have simply said "that really hurts my feelings/offends me, did you mean to do that?" If you've done that in the past, and she doesn't change, why continue the friendship? If you haven't approached the subject in a constructive manner, what makes you think upping the level of verbal assault will help?

Edited August 11, 2012 by RanchGirl

[Catwoman]

Your response sounds much nastier than her comment to you. Couldn't you have simply said "that really hurts my feelings/offends me, did you mean to do that?" If you've done that in the past, and she doesn't change, why continue the friendship? If you haven't approached the subject in a constructive manner, what makes you think upping the level of verbal assault will help?

 

It sounds to me like there's a history here, and that the OP finally lost her temper with the woman. I'm not under the impression that this was a one-time comment, but something that has been going on for a long time and the OP finally gave it right back to the woman.

[Tranquility7]

 

Your response sounds much nastier than her comment to you. Couldn't you have simply said "that really hurts my feelings/offends me, did you mean to do that?" If you've done that in the past, and she doesn't change, why continue the friendship? If you haven't approached the subject in a constructive manner, what makes you think upping the level of verbal assault will help?

 

It sounds to me like there's a history here, and that the OP finally lost her temper with the woman. I'm not under the impression that this was a one-time comment, but something that has been going on for a long time and the OP finally gave it right back to the woman.

 

OP, I’m sorry your friend got under your skin, but ITA with RanchGirl. Your friend's comment (as well as the additional backstory you provided) was totally about her, not about you. Nothing to waste time and energy being upset about, IMHO (even if it happens repeatedly). Frankly, I’d just be sad for her that she feels that way, and I’d say something like, “Nooo, it is great! Not always quiet and peaceful, but always a blessing. Why do you think it would be awful?†– And if you were really hurt (which I don’t understand, but to each his own), then I’d follow up my previous comment with something like what RanchGirl suggested.

 

That being said, I’m sorry you are going through this. :grouphug: It is a burden to be in conflict with another person, and honestly your post sounds to me like you are somewhat regretful of your outburst (forgive me if I am reading into your words too much). Please take this with the gentle tone I mean - but was it right to want to hurt her, and to try to hurt her (regardless of whether you believe what you said)? Is it right to leave her hurt? If it were me, I would ask her forgiveness, and think of ways to deal with her comments more constructively in the future. :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

[LaxMom]

Gee, I don't know. I think people would find it offensive if the OP's friend asked her all the time how she could "stand" being around her husband. I know I would find the implication that he (or our children) is so offensive to be around rude.

 

It's not a PS/HS thing. It's a sentiment that conveys distaste for the children being discussed (whether the speaker's or their audience's), and the OP's response is the one that comes to mind whenever I hear it. It's not usually voiced because of setting (at work, etc), but even then it's sometimes tough to bite my tongue.

[Soror]

I made the same response to dh's aunt after she kept on and on about hs'ing and such. It doesn't seem we've had that conversation again, hmmm, perhaps it worked.

[Zebra]

I've been reading a lot lately about being a doormat. And frankly, a doormat tends to put up with crap from people until they explode.

 

From my own experience, I am trying to learn to speak up before I explode. It's not an easy thing to learn when you are the type of person who is trying to keep the peace. If you are every going to be friends with her again, you do need to be honest with her. It's hard, but you need to tell her how much those type of comments hurt you, and that they need to stop. A real friend will understand in the end.

 

Anyway, not trying to be critical, but I am trying to say I have BTDT ;).

[DawnM]

:grouphug:

[goldberry]

Must be something in the air....in real life, I'm the queen of diplomacy. If I'm upset, I always wait a bit to cool down before saying anything.

 

Last week some things had been building up with a friend. Something came up involving my daughter (momma-bear-mode) and WOW. I just let her have it. And you know what? I don't really regret it. Sometimes it's just really TIRING being diplomatic.

 

True confessions over!

[ApronMama]

I have a friend who makes irritating and snarky comments frequently. She thinks she is just being helpful and honest. I've chosen to distance myself from her. She isn't going to change; I don't even think she knows her comments are hurtful.

[Parrothead]

Oh, I've known people like that. It seems as if the only reason they have kids is because it is expected.

[SKL]

I'm sorry she pushed you to the point of saying something you didn't even mean.

 

What I usually do in cases like that is say, "can we not talk about ___ because it's just going to put me in a bad mood."

 

Another thing I sometimes need to say is "I signed up for this, so I can't complain."

 

Also, "If it ever got too bad, I'd have enough sense to stop doing it."

 

Saying she doesn't love her child probably won't go over too well. If she's worth it, you might want to go back and say "I said something I didn't mean and I'm sorry. I know you love your child very much. My choice to homeschool is personal and is not debatable."