Slipper Posted August 5, 2012 Share Posted August 5, 2012 The girls were visiting a relative that we get along with quite well. There were a total of 5 kids there and for a snack, they each received a small bowl of grapes and carrots. One of my daughters eats raw veggies alone, but another will only eat them dipped in ranch dressing. Frankly, I'm happy she eats raw veggies so I'm only too happy to give her something to dip them in. She asked if she could have ranch dressing to dip her carrots in and was told that she couldn't. The relative then told her that she was spoiled. My guess is that the relative made the spoiled comment teasingly although my daughter took it seriously. (This is my "anxious" daughter). She ate the grapes and left the carrots. I have raised the girls to eat what is placed in front of them when at someone else's house. However, I have always allowed them to ask for things I consider condiments. (And I consider ranch for carrots to be a condiment). Should I adjust what I teach the girls? I don't plan on bringing this up at all with my relative and it's rare that they are over there so it might not even happen again. I was just curious. I don't want them to appear rude elsewhere. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lily_Grace Posted August 5, 2012 Share Posted August 5, 2012 Had your child been treated as a guest there would have been no issue. I wouldn't adjust your teaching at all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QuirkyKapers Posted August 5, 2012 Share Posted August 5, 2012 (edited) Had your child been treated as a guest there would have been no issue. I wouldn't adjust your teaching at all. :iagree: Your daughter asked. Instead of saying she was spoiled, they could have said something more polite. Like, "I'm sorry we don't have ranch dressing." or "Sure, let me get some for you". I don't know, I grew up where things were said that weren't nice but if I said anything I was told I couldn't take a joke. Even jokingly, words hurt. Of course, maybe I am too sensitive:tongue_smilie: Edited August 5, 2012 by QuirkyKapers Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cassy Posted August 5, 2012 Share Posted August 5, 2012 No, I don't think you need to do anything different, it was just one of those things. Maybe the learning for your daughter is to try not to take everything people say too seriously, although I tend to be rather similar to your daughter in that respect, so I know it's not easy. I'm sure your relative was just teasing, or said it without thinking because she was a bit distracted at the time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denise in Florida Posted August 5, 2012 Share Posted August 5, 2012 Children are capable of telling that there are different rules in different homes. Assure her that it was perfectly okay to ask for dressing but that the host could choose not to supply it. Also let her know that in a few (very rare) homes asking for additional seasonings is comparable to insulting the cook. When that happens just smile and nod and say thank you. Her manners were fine. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kathryn Posted August 5, 2012 Share Posted August 5, 2012 Had your child been treated as a guest there would have been no issue. I wouldn't adjust your teaching at all. :iagree: I'd continue to encourage her that it's polite to eat what you're served (barring allergies), but asking politely for condiments, salt, etc., is not "spoiled" or rude. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alte Veste Academy Posted August 5, 2012 Share Posted August 5, 2012 Well, my kids don't dip veggies but I know most kids do. I would not have been offended if a guest asked for Ranch, but I bet age was at play. A hostess would probably never call an adult guest spoiled; she would most likely hold her tongue. I don't see why it should be any different if the guest is a child. I don't think there is anything wrong with your DD politely asking for Ranch and I would understand if she didn't eat the carrots if I didn't have any (which I most likely wouldn't). As long as your DD is asking politely and not getting an attitude if the dressing isn't dispensed, I don't see a problem at all. I think the fault lies with the hostess. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slipper Posted August 5, 2012 Author Share Posted August 5, 2012 Well, my kids don't dip veggies but I know most kids do. I would not have been offended if a guest asked for Ranch, but I bet age was at play. A hostess would probably never call an adult guest spoiled; she would most likely hold her tongue. I don't see why it should be any different if the guest is a child. I don't think there is anything wrong with your DD politely asking for Ranch and I would understand if she didn't eat the carrots if I didn't have any (which I most likely wouldn't). As long as your DD is asking politely and not getting an attitude if the dressing isn't dispensed, I don't see a problem at all. I think the fault lies with the hostess. She asked politely and there was no attitude. I'm fairly certain of that since my other daughter was there also. Trust me, if either mis-behaves I am CERTAIN to hear of it from the other child! :tongue_smilie: Their manners are pretty good, tattling however....lol Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Remudamom Posted August 5, 2012 Share Posted August 5, 2012 I would shrug the whole thing off and not make a deal out of it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommyof4ks Posted August 5, 2012 Share Posted August 5, 2012 I would not adjust your teaching at all, that was rude of the relative IMO. Maybe just send some individual packets of ranch dressing with her when she goes somewhere. I take my own condiments most places to avoid asking for things I know I need in order to eat something (I am the same way with ranch and carrots :001_smile:). I was taught not to ask for anything that is not set out, and I cannot seem to get past that as an adult though I know my friends would gladly let me have a bit of ranch if I asked and they have it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pink Fairy Posted August 5, 2012 Share Posted August 5, 2012 The relative was a little snotty. And now I'm craving carrots dipped in ranch, lol. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jujsky Posted August 5, 2012 Share Posted August 5, 2012 (edited) I think as long as your DD asked politely, it was rude of the relative not to give her ranch dressing (or offer her another condiment if she didn't have ranch available). I also don't expect my guests to eat what I offer them. I've taught my children to politely decline food they will not eat. I have a very, very picky son. Edited to add: If I had 2 snacks available (carrots and grapes) I also wouldn't assume that ALL children present like both. I'd offer them both options. If the child wouldn't eat carrots without dressing, I would have given her more grapes. Again, I feel the hostess was rude. It's also rude and mean to tease a child, if the spoiled comment was actually said in a teasing way. A lot of people talk down to kids like they're dogs. I hate that. Edited August 5, 2012 by jujsky Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happypamama Posted August 5, 2012 Share Posted August 5, 2012 I don't think it was out of line for your child to ask, given that this is a relative you get along well with (so presumably you know this relative fairly well). I think the relative's answer was a little rude, though, even as a joke. I don't think asking for a condiment is rude; it wasn't like the child said, "Ew, I hate carrots, yuck!" I would not be at all upset if my child had asked a grandmother or aunt for ranch. Maybe if it was a friend we didn't know well, but not a relative. As a hostess, I would not have been at all offended if a child had said that. (Well, "ew, I hate carrots, yuck," from a child probably wouldn't have offended me either.) I wouldn't probably be offended if an adult had asked that; I'd assume that they had different tastes than I did, and I'd either find some or I'd smile and say something like, "I'm sorry, I don't have any today." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne in CA Posted August 5, 2012 Share Posted August 5, 2012 I think even joking that your dd is "spoiled" is ungracious, but that is me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
6wishes Posted August 5, 2012 Share Posted August 5, 2012 Well, my kids don't dip veggies but I know most kids do. I would not have been offended if a guest asked for Ranch, but I bet age was at play. A hostess would probably never call an adult guest spoiled; she would most likely hold her tongue. I don't see why it should be any different if the guest is a child. I don't think there is anything wrong with your DD politely asking for Ranch and I would understand if she didn't eat the carrots if I didn't have any (which I most likely wouldn't). As long as your DD is asking politely and not getting an attitude if the dressing isn't dispensed, I don't see a problem at all. I think the fault lies with the hostess. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NanceXToo Posted August 5, 2012 Share Posted August 5, 2012 I would tell my daughter that her behavior was perfectly acceptable and that it was rude of the relative to tease or insult her because of a simple request that should have been answered with an "Of course," or an "I'm sorry, I don't have any ranch, would you like another type of dressing?" Then I'd let it go. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NanceXToo Posted August 5, 2012 Share Posted August 5, 2012 The relative was a little snotty. And now I'm craving carrots dipped in ranch, lol. haha, me, too! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted August 5, 2012 Share Posted August 5, 2012 I think even joking that your dd is "spoiled" is ungracious, but that is me. :iagree: Your dd did nothing wrong. The hostess was rude -- and I'm not entirely convinced she was joking, no matter how her delivery sounded. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
besroma Posted August 6, 2012 Share Posted August 6, 2012 Had your child been treated as a guest there would have been no issue. I wouldn't adjust your teaching at all. :iagree: I don't think your daughter should feel bad at all. Would she have said the same thing if she asked for ketchup with french fries? DH eats his French fries with A1 sauce. I think you are right. Different people like different condiments and it was not rude for her to ask. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ELITEANDLOVINGIT Posted August 6, 2012 Share Posted August 6, 2012 I agree, no way would I feel guilty! Your daughter would have gotten ranch at my house, unless there was none to be had! :0) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted August 6, 2012 Share Posted August 6, 2012 No, I don't think you need to do anything different, it was just one of those things. Maybe the learning for your daughter is to try not to take everything people say too seriously, although I tend to be rather similar to your daughter in that respect, so I know it's not easy. I'm sure your relative was just teasing, or said it without thinking because she was a bit distracted at the time. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
2_girls_mommy Posted August 6, 2012 Share Posted August 6, 2012 Didn't read them all, but I don't think its a big deal. It very well could have been joking around. My sisters and I talk that way to each other and our kids, in jest. They could have been low on ranch or something. I remember one little girl at my house once wanting peanut butter on her apples, and I only had a bit left, and I had to tell her no, because I wasn't going to be able to go shopping for awhile and needed it for later in the week. I didn't tell her she was spoiled though :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted August 6, 2012 Share Posted August 6, 2012 :iagree: Your daughter asked. Instead of saying she was spoiled, they could have said something more polite. Like, "I'm sorry we don't have ranch dressing." or "Sure, let me get some for you". :iagree: I don't know, I grew up where things were said that weren't nice but if I said anything I was told I couldn't take a joke. Even jokingly, words hurt. Of course, maybe I am too sensitive:tongue_smilie: people who say inappropriate things will often tell those who are the butt of their joke they can't "take one" if they object. (gee, perhaps they're feeling guilty?) You're not "too sensitive", those types of comments are out of line. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CalicoKat Posted August 6, 2012 Share Posted August 6, 2012 The girls were visiting a relative that we get along with quite well. There were a total of 5 kids there and for a snack, they each received a small bowl of grapes and carrots. One of my daughters eats raw veggies alone, but another will only eat them dipped in ranch dressing. Frankly, I'm happy she eats raw veggies so I'm only too happy to give her something to dip them in. She asked if she could have ranch dressing to dip her carrots in and was told that she couldn't. The relative then told her that she was spoiled. My guess is that the relative made the spoiled comment teasingly although my daughter took it seriously. (This is my "anxious" daughter). She ate the grapes and left the carrots. I have raised the girls to eat what is placed in front of them when at someone else's house. However, I have always allowed them to ask for things I consider condiments. (And I consider ranch for carrots to be a condiment). Should I adjust what I teach the girls? I don't plan on bringing this up at all with my relative and it's rare that they are over there so it might not even happen again. I was just curious. I don't want them to appear rude elsewhere. You might want to reassure her that she isn't spoiled. But that other families do things differently and when she's at other people's homes she might need to adjust to doing things their way. She was a very polite in asking for ranch dressing and for not having a tantrum when told no. She did every thing just right. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted August 6, 2012 Share Posted August 6, 2012 (edited) I have a little different take. I've always told my kids not to ask for anything at anyone's house but water. If they are offered food, they can take it or leave it, but not ask for something else/in addition. Part of this comes from being around kids who will ask for completely different things than I've offered, or will even open cupboards to look for other food. I know your daughter did not do this. I know she asked politely for a typical condiment for her food. Oddly enough, I don't mind if someone asks for a typical condiment like that and am happy to supply what people would like! But I don't ask, and my kids don't either. ETA: Whoops, I just reread the OP and realize the next bit is irrelevant. If you know your daughter is sensitive, and you know the relative quite well and don't generally think she is rude, then I wouldn't worry about her comment. It might have been a joke; it might not, but you'll never know unless you bring it up to her. This in turn might make her feel uncomfortable around your family (that anything she says might be misinterpreted) and put a little discomfort in the relationship. Edited August 6, 2012 by marbel Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rebel Yell Posted August 6, 2012 Share Posted August 6, 2012 :iagree: Your daughter asked. Instead of saying she was spoiled, they could have said something more polite. Like, "I'm sorry we don't have ranch dressing." or "Sure, let me get some for you". I don't know, I grew up where things were said that weren't nice but if I said anything I was told I couldn't take a joke. Even jokingly, words hurt. Of course, maybe I am too sensitive:tongue_smilie: :iagree: How very sad. I was accused of being "spoiled" all the time- I was an only child, and so an easy target. And no, I wasn't. Far from it. Anyway, if she demanded ranch dressing, they got her some, and then she said "Ewwww! I only eat Newman's Own ranch. That stuff is gross and full of MSG!" then maybe she would be spoiled, but still no need to tell her that, even jokingly. :grouphug: to your DD. If she were here, I'd give her a giant bowl of carrots with a bucket of Newman's Own ranch. Or the cheap stuff with MSG we keep around for friends who think Newman's is gross and only eat the MSG stuff. :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted August 6, 2012 Share Posted August 6, 2012 Your daughter is not spoiled. Your relative was out of line and rude to boot. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
angela in ohio Posted August 6, 2012 Share Posted August 6, 2012 I don't think it's wrong to ask for a condiment, but then when it wasn't available, she should have eaten the carrots anyway, according to what I teach dc. I have taught, like a pp, that you shouldn't ask for anything, but I wouldn't consider a child who politely asked for ranch to be rude, just to have different rules. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThatCyndiGirl Posted August 6, 2012 Share Posted August 6, 2012 I have a little different take. I've always told my kids not to ask for anything at anyone's house but water. If they are offered food, they can take it or leave it, but not ask for something else/in addition. :iagree: This. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justLisa Posted August 6, 2012 Share Posted August 6, 2012 My kids would probably both politely decline the snack. DD does not care for raw veggies much and DS gets all gassy and barfy feeling if all he it's is fruit/veg with nothing else. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elfgivas Posted August 6, 2012 Share Posted August 6, 2012 I would shrug the whole thing off and not make a deal out of it. :iagree: it happened. its done. ann Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slipper Posted August 7, 2012 Author Share Posted August 7, 2012 Thanks for all the replies. :) Just to reiterate, we're not discussing it with the relative, I was simply curious. I was brought up to not ask for anything extra and DH was brought up that it was okay to ask for condiments. After some thought I came around to DH's way of thinking since I wouldn't think twice if someone asked me for something to go with their meal. I'm not sure how the relative meant the "You're spoiled" comment. I told my daughter that I was sure she was teasing her since I didn't want it to become a big deal. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Desert Strawberry Posted August 7, 2012 Share Posted August 7, 2012 I would shrug the whole thing off and not make a deal out of it. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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