amo_mea_filiis. Posted May 27, 2012 Share Posted May 27, 2012 We have an almost friend. A woman and 2 young boys. The older is the same age as ds. She does not have a car and i do. She will text and ask in a way that i feel terrible saying no. On friday they were evicted. She needed to get to town to take care of some things. When she asked, i thought she had a plan. 40 miles and 3 hours later, it was obvious she had no plan. Again, yesterday i got dragged into taking them somewhere because the husband was sleeping and didnt want to get up. Do i make excuses? Never once did her plan when she called/texted include everything she needs to do when i get her. How do i say no?!?! I was able to refrain from offering them a night at my house. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FairyMom Posted May 27, 2012 Share Posted May 27, 2012 Sounds like someone that you don't want to be with for the long haul. I've had to get toxic friends like that out of my life. The hardest part are when kids are involved. You have to be firm in your "no" or it will never work. Any amount of wishy-washy and you are doing what they want. Three hours is excessive. What were your kids doing at this point? :grouphug: Been there, done that. I'm sorry, I understand. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amo_mea_filiis. Posted May 27, 2012 Author Share Posted May 27, 2012 Since we were just in town, the kids were home. :( I checked on them frequently by phone and stopping in. Shes the type that thinks im available during the day because we are physically home. She doesnt seem to grasp the school part. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trish Posted May 27, 2012 Share Posted May 27, 2012 Three hours is a long time to leave your kids by themselves? It might be easier to say no to her if you put your kids' needs first. Yeah your kids can "make do" but why should they? This is not YOUR family crisis. These people will never seek out the resources they're going to need going forward if they've got you to depend on. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Farrar Posted May 27, 2012 Share Posted May 27, 2012 I'd sit down and talk to her about it. If you want to be nice to her and keep her as a friend (or almost friend) then I'd say, I really like helping you out and spending time together, but I think you don't really understand that I'm pretty busy as a homeschool mom. I can't help you run errands very often because my time is limited and I just wanted you to understand why I have to say no. If you don't want to keep her as an almost friend, just tell her you feel used by her and don't have time for this in your life. Then stop taking her calls. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scuff Posted May 27, 2012 Share Posted May 27, 2012 I would not help her if her husband is there and capable, but being lazy. Other times, when you do decide to help her, give her a time limit, since she has no plan. Remind her of it while you're out and stick to it. "I have 2 hours available." "remember I have to be back at 5. We have a half hour drive, so half an hour left to do what you need. What should we take care of now?" and don't be at her beck and call. It helps to keep boundries if you say no sometimes, even if you don't need to. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melissad2 Posted May 27, 2012 Share Posted May 27, 2012 I have a hard time saying no but I don't have a hard time ignoring til they go away. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Colleen in NS Posted May 27, 2012 Share Posted May 27, 2012 How do i say no?!?! Looking at your signature (ages of your kids, special needs), I'd say you have every reason to say "no" to someone who seems like she will continually take advantage of you if you let her. "I can't do that for you today; I'm busy with family responsibilities." "Sorry, I can't do that for you next Tuesday; I'll have family responsibilities that day/at that time." (even if those responsibilities = planning to play a board game or some such thing; or even if you don't have a solid plan yet for next Tuesday) Don't offer any excuses; don't tell her the specifics of your responsibilities - some people will try to talk you out of your offered reasons. Just be simple in your response. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amy in NH Posted May 27, 2012 Share Posted May 27, 2012 I wouldn't sit down and talk to her about it, I'd just tell her, "sorry, we're really busy today" when she calls and asks. Give her the number for a taxi from the phone book. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommyfaithe Posted May 27, 2012 Share Posted May 27, 2012 We have an almost friend. A woman and 2 young boys. The older is the same age as ds. She does not have a car and i do. She will text and ask in a way that i feel terrible saying no. On friday they were evicted. She needed to get to town to take care of some things. When she asked, i thought she had a plan. 40 miles and 3 hours later, it was obvious she had no plan. Again, yesterday i got dragged into taking them somewhere because the husband was sleeping and didnt want to get up. Do i make excuses? Never once did her plan when she called/texted include everything she needs to do when i get her. How do i say no?!?! I was able to refrain from offering them a night at my house. Just say no. I am busy...which you are. You have kids...your own...to take care of. Does she give you gas money? "Sorry, I am not going to town today...or this week. I did all my errands at once....gas is expensive!" Faithe Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slipper Posted May 27, 2012 Share Posted May 27, 2012 I have a hard time saying no, especially if I see a situation with a genuine need. (And I'm assuming that she has a genuine need if they're being evicted). I am also going to assume that perhaps driving around for three hours with you is less of her needing errands and more of her wanting to be out of the house or simply near you for some reason (perhaps she sees more into the friendship?). Regardless, your kids, family dynamics and overall "home well-being" are top priority. If you think she needs help more than you can give her, make a list of shelters, food kitchens and churches that are known for giving assistance. I hesitate to say this, but if she didn't want to have her husband run errands, perhaps a couple of places that offer domestic violence relief or addiction help. Offer to run errands for her once every other week (or whatever you are comfortable with) and tell her to make a list. Set a time limit. If she has a few friends who will do that for her, she should be able to take care of her errands without being burdensome on anyone. Do not let them stay at your house. Not even for a night. (If nothing else, make that list of shelters to give to them when they ask). And do not loan money to them. (Because that is probably coming). Good luck :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JFSinIL Posted May 27, 2012 Share Posted May 27, 2012 Do not respond. After repeated texts, respond "not able today" DO NOT OFFER ANY EXPLANATIONS. IF she persists, or calls, merely say that "I can't help today". Do not promise to help the next day - just repeat all of the above when she contacts you. She will use you as a free taxi service as long as you let her. It is not your problem to help them. let the lazy husband gt off his hind quarters and take care of them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted May 27, 2012 Share Posted May 27, 2012 Wait, the husband was sleeping was the reason she couldn't ask him? Does HE have a car? I'm a tad confused, what would him being awake make a difference if they don't own a car? I'm really good at saying no. No is a complete sentence and does not need a explanatory remark behind it. It took me years to learn I don't need to explain my refusal. "No, I'm unable to do that." is also good. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StephanieZ Posted May 27, 2012 Share Posted May 27, 2012 One of the most helpful things I learned in my early adulthood was to NOT offer excuses when you say no. If you offer excuses, it invites folks to 1) judge the validity of the excuse and 2) offer alternative "solutions" It takes practice, but it is possible to offer either NO excuse NOs or VAGUE excuse NOs. NO excuse Nos (for most situtations): "I'm so sorry that I can't help you with that." "No, I'm sorry, I can't." "I can't make it today." You get the idea. Choose one that works for you, or modify one, and practice it a bunch of times in the mirror. Now, for the fun part, you MUST practice saying NO just like that whenever you get a chance. You will be amazed at how much easier it makes life. If you practice it in easy situations, your success will make it easier for you in subsequent situations. It requires PRACTICE to say no. I also find it helpful to remind myself that saying YES to one thing = saying NO to another thing. So, saying YES to your demanding friend to drive her around for 3 hours = saying NO to playing board games with your kids for 3 hours, or going for a run, or calling your BFF . . . You have to get in a habit of saying NO, and then it becomes easier. For a few years, I had a general rule to say NO to everything. It really helped me reclaim my life. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amo_mea_filiis. Posted May 27, 2012 Author Share Posted May 27, 2012 Yes, they do have a car, but she doesn't drive. The more i know, the kess i want to be involved! She offered gas money once, but when i got there she suddenly remembered that husband took it to work. Gas prices aside, my poor car is old with high miles so i dont need to be running all around our town. I will just say that im not able to. Thank you! :) I really do need to get our routine back to normal so that means school, play, dinner, baths and bed. No room for "quick" 1-3 hour drives (not 1-3 hours away, just shuffling all around town for that long). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted May 27, 2012 Share Posted May 27, 2012 Yes, they do have a car, but she doesn't drive. The more i know, the kess i want to be involved! She offered gas money once, but when i got there she suddenly remembered that husband took it to work. Gas prices aside, my poor car is old with high miles so i dont need to be running all around our town. I will just say that im not able to. Thank you! :) I really do need to get our routine back to normal so that means school, play, dinner, baths and bed. No room for "quick" 1-3 hour drives (not 1-3 hours away, just shuffling all around town for that long). Good for you! I have a car, but it's not working currently. I would never be so presumptive to ask someone to cart me around town without offering gas money and probably some other type of gift, like a coffee or something. Hence the reason we stay home a lot, because I don't have money to do all that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Colleen in NS Posted May 27, 2012 Share Posted May 27, 2012 I will just say that im not able to. Thank you! :) The fact that she doesn't drive is not your problem. Good for you! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted May 27, 2012 Share Posted May 27, 2012 Yes, they do have a car, but she doesn't drive. The more i know, the kess i want to be involved! She offered gas money once, but when i got there she suddenly remembered that husband took it to work. Gas prices aside, my poor car is old with high miles so i dont need to be running all around our town. I will just say that im not able to. Thank you! :) I really do need to get our routine back to normal so that means school, play, dinner, baths and bed. No room for "quick" 1-3 hour drives (not 1-3 hours away, just shuffling all around town for that long). You're doing the right thing by saying no. This woman is not a friend; she is a user. I was thinking that when I read your OP, but when you mentioned the gas money thing, it cemented it in my mind. Once you start saying no, you will be amazed at how quickly she is gone from your life. As soon as you're not doing anything for her, she will drop you like a hot potato and go in search of her next victim. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Erica in OR Posted May 27, 2012 Share Posted May 27, 2012 I agree with others—practice saying "no" and when the time comes you'll be ready. Now is the time to do it. Otherwise further down the road, you'll be running her errands for her (without her), with your own money and her promise of reimbursing you when you drop the items off, which she doesn't happen to have when you do drop the items off. Ask me how I know. Erica in OR Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted May 27, 2012 Share Posted May 27, 2012 (edited) I agree with others—practice saying "no" and when the time comes you'll be ready. Now is the time to do it. Otherwise further down the road, you'll be running her errands for her (without her), with your own money and her promise of reimbursing you when you drop the items off, which she doesn't happen to have when you do drop the items off. Ask me how I know. Erica in OR That is an excellent point. People like that will take more and more advantage of you if you allow it. They start out asking for a few simple favors, and they slowly keep seeing how much more they can get away with. And they are extremely good manipulative, to the point where, if you're not careful, you'll end up feeling guilty for refusing them anything or for feeling suspicious of their motives. The best solution when dealing with a user is to drop that person from your life completely -- immediately, firmly, and all at once, if at all possible. I am absolutely certain that this woman has used many, many people, because she sounds like a pro to me. Edited May 27, 2012 by Catwoman Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swellmomma Posted May 27, 2012 Share Posted May 27, 2012 Since we were just in town, the kids were home. :( I checked on them frequently by phone and stopping in. Shes the type that thinks im available during the day because we are physically home. She doesnt seem to grasp the school part. I know this is about your friend but I am shocked you would leave 2 SN kids home alone for 3 hours so you can tend to her needs yes you checked in often but totally not cool. In fact if you have a hard time saying no for the sake fo saying no, you should have said "sorry the kids can not be left home alone at this time" As for do I have a problem saying no, no I have no problem with that, especially if it will impact my kids. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellie Posted May 27, 2012 Share Posted May 27, 2012 No excuses. Just say "no." "Oh, I'm so sorry, but I won't be able to help." "Oh, that's tough, but I'm really sorry I won't be able to help." "Wow, I'm really sorry but I won't be able to help." keep repeating... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happypamama Posted May 27, 2012 Share Posted May 27, 2012 Just say no. I am busy...which you are. You have kids...your own...to take care of. Does she give you gas money? "Sorry, I am not going to town today...or this week. I did all my errands at once....gas is expensive!" Faithe I like this approach. If this woman is otherwise a good friend, and you'd like to help her out, you might try something like, "We'll be going to town on X day. Can we get anything for you/take you anywhere while we're there?" Or don't answer your phone if she calls. I far prefer email and encourage people to reach me that way; it's easier to say no over email, or via text. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nrg Posted May 27, 2012 Share Posted May 27, 2012 Just because you receive a text doesn't mean you have to answer it. Missing a call happens. Let it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PollyOR Posted May 27, 2012 Share Posted May 27, 2012 First, I'm sorry you are going through this. BTDT. I have a terrible time saying "no" and I've found this thread very helpful. Thanks to all who have responded. Just a thought. The more you say "yes" and/or feel guilty about not helping her the more power she has over you. This has been my experience. Saying "no" allows you to stay in control. It empowers you! (This pep talk is for me too. :D) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justLisa Posted May 27, 2012 Share Posted May 27, 2012 I have one of these. Unfortunately our kids are friends and she lives a few houses down from my parents :glare: AT first, I would allow them to drop D off *every single fri they would call me frantic.* It was always something they knew about before hand, but I wonder if sometimes she thought putting me on the spot with her despair would make me cave? I dunno, at first I didn't care because it did not affect our school day. But then I got sick of being taken advantage of several days of the week and all the sob story blah blah. The dad told me once "it's ok if you can't we will just leave him home." He was 7 or 8 at that time. Ya, I'm going to let you just leave him home. The last draw was when I told him I would be at my parents at 4:30, and I got there to find D was outside alone for the last 30 minutes becasue Dad had to leave. He had to mow the church lawn after all. I was livid. I ended up telling dad, there is a proper way to hand off a child, and this is NOT it. What if I was delayed? What if stuck behind a bus/accident and I was an hour or more?! To the OP, think about that. What if you were out and something happened, and you could NOT get home in time to YOUR kids. My advice: If you want to keep this friendship, then shorten your responses as time goes on. First maybe make a minor excuse, then something polite but no.....then maybe "miss" the text once. Then shorten to we are busy. I'm only saying this because since you HAVE already been doing this, dropping off the planet or just saying sorry, no is going to be too blunt for her. On the other hand, if you DON"T want to keep the friendship, then just start saying no or ignoring. I had to go the very polite route, because we are partly neighbors (My parents live about 12 minutes away which is another set of issues:lol:) and they live on the same street. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest submarines Posted May 27, 2012 Share Posted May 27, 2012 I have a hard time saying "no" as well, however when physical well being of my children is concerned, my boundaries are very clear--a mama bear response. You need to make it clear in your head that leaving your SN children home alone is simply not an option. Not for 3 hours, not for 1. And if you don't know how to backtrack with the friend, tell her that it is per your family doctor's instructions. A true friend wouldn't put you in these situations anyway. As for a a toxic friend--you shouldn't be putting her needs in front of the very basic needs of your children. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KungFuPanda Posted May 27, 2012 Share Posted May 27, 2012 I learned to say 'no' around 35 because I am apparently a slow learner. Now, it's very liberating :D I LOVE text and caller ID. Don't answer. What's she going to do? Drive over and find you? :lol: I'd text: Sorry. We have plans today. A mentor taught me the phrase "I have plans." Use it even if your 'plans' are to watch a movie with your kids or just to not leave the house that day. Your plans are your business and legitimate to your life. Your lesson plans are your plans too! Now, if this person is experiencing a rough hurdle in life, that's different. I'd suck up the inconvenience to help a friend. However, if this is her lifestyle, and she's been cut off from her regular 'ride' it's your turn to do the same. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Elf Posted May 27, 2012 Share Posted May 27, 2012 What did you guys do for 3 hours? The only time I take that long out of the house is if I'm at the mall shopping, generally just browsing around. If I go out, I know where I'm going and what I'm going to do. I agree with others. Just text back and say 'oh I can't go out today, sorry. I'll talk to you soon.' I guess you'll have to have a plan in mind if she continues to harrass you for a ride. I also like the idea of giving her a time frame, telling her you absolutely MUST get back home by a certain time. And then sticking to it even if she's sitting in the car saying 'but I still need' to do whatever. With my personality, I would likely be apologizing a lot and would feel bad for cutting her off, but it really does sound like she's using you. She doesn't even ask if you're busy? She just texts you she needs to go out? That's crazy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted May 27, 2012 Share Posted May 27, 2012 I learned to say 'no' around 35 because I am apparently a slow learner. Now, it's very liberating :D I LOVE text and caller ID. Don't answer. What's she going to do? Drive over and find you? :lol: I'd text: Sorry. We have plans today. A mentor taught me the phrase "I have plans." Use it even if your 'plans' are to watch a movie with your kids or just to not leave the house that day. Your plans are your business and legitimate to your life. Your lesson plans are your plans too! I'm a slow learner too, but once I learned how to say "no" without feeling the need to justify myself, it really was wonderful. "I have other commitments" is my personal favorite phrase. The hardest part is when people challenge me: "oh, what are you doing?" As a homeschooler, it's easy to say "school stuff with my kids" even if that means I am cleaning out the pantry (or reading a novel, as if that ever happens :001_smile:) while being available to help with my kids' independent work. I've had several of these types of relationships, and when I think back I am ashamed at how I have at times shortchanged my kids in order to help someone - friend, or even near-stranger - out. Margaret Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amo_mea_filiis. Posted May 27, 2012 Author Share Posted May 27, 2012 What we did- i picked her up, with the plan being going to the welfare office for a hotel voucher. Well, first we had to stop by the hotel so she could try and get them to accept the voucher, then to a friends house who owed her money, then smoke shop, then 2 other hotels, cvs for milk for her tired 2 year old, back to the first hotel, to a campground, then finally welfare, then i dropped her back at her house that she had 2 hours to be out of. Somewhere in there i stopped home a few times. Mine enjoyed a couple movies and listened to annoying songs that i make them turn off when i hear them. Except going to where she lived, we were within a mile or two of my house. I am only 2 block away from the main part of town. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted May 27, 2012 Share Posted May 27, 2012 The hardest part is when people challenge me: "oh, what are you doing?" That's when you say, "Oh, don't even get me started" and sound annoyed and put-upon. You can alternate that with, "What am I not doing!" but you have to sound extremely exasperated. If you want to sound mysterious, you can slyly say, "Believe me, you don't want to know," and let it trail off at the end, like you might have to kill her if you told her the details. And then Get. Off. The. Phone. Immediately. You know, because you're so busy and all. :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted May 27, 2012 Share Posted May 27, 2012 What we did- i picked her up, with the plan being going to the welfare office for a hotel voucher. Well, first we had to stop by the hotel so she could try and get them to accept the voucher, then to a friends house who owed her money, then smoke shop, then 2 other hotels, cvs for milk for her tired 2 year old, back to the first hotel, to a campground, then finally welfare, then i dropped her back at her house that she had 2 hours to be out of. Somewhere in there i stopped home a few times. Mine enjoyed a couple movies and listened to annoying songs that i make them turn off when i hear them. Except going to where she lived, we were within a mile or two of my house. I am only 2 block away from the main part of town. I'm sorry, but that is just crazy. What nerve!!! :angry: I'm surprised she didn't cap off the afternoon by asking you to carve an intricate ice sculpture for her. ;) You are obviously just about the nicest person anyone could ever meet, but honey, this woman is using you, plain and simple. You are neither her taxi service, nor her personal shopper, nor her bank. You need to ditch her, and you need to do it yesterday. Seriously. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FairyMom Posted May 27, 2012 Share Posted May 27, 2012 I'm sorry, but that is just crazy. What nerve!!! :angry: I'm surprised she didn't cap off the afternoon by asking you to carve an intricate ice sculpture for her. ;) You are obviously just about the nicest person anyone could ever meet, but honey, this woman is using you, plain and simple. You are neither her taxi service, nor her personal shopper, nor her bank. You need to ditch her, and you need to do it yesterday. Seriously. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Henriettakittycat Posted May 27, 2012 Share Posted May 27, 2012 BTDT and glad I'm out. :) What finally made the person using us stop is I gave her a card with the name and phone numbers of every agency/program that could help her out. I realized she wasn't interested in seeking help for herself when I gave her the card. I told her I had something for her and started to pull the card out of my purse. She exclaimed, "A car! You got me a car and it's in your bag!" and then was irritated when it was an index card that had all the information she needed to get herself on her feet. A couple weeks later I asked her how it was going and if she called any of the numbers. She complained that yes, she called the Job Council but all they offered her was training and a bus pass! :confused: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
5kidsforME Posted May 28, 2012 Share Posted May 28, 2012 Since we were just in town, the kids were home. :( I checked on them frequently by phone and stopping in. Shes the type that thinks im available during the day because we are physically home. She doesnt seem to grasp the school part. Of course she does. :confused: This always baffles me. She, of course, thinks you are available during the day. You're the one that has to convey that you are NOT availalbe. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LostSurprise Posted May 28, 2012 Share Posted May 28, 2012 Normal people leave a lot of things open-ended because we expect people to think about our welfare (empathize) and have good boundaries. Sometimes they don't. Once we know someone does not have good boundaries we can: *admit to ourselves we just can say no, avoid the person and otherwise cut them off. *keep conversations short, don't answer when you don't want to do things for her, practice saying No without explanation. *give them very specific boundaries when you do things for them. For instance, in this case you would say "I have 30 minutes. After that I have to take you home or leave you in town." Then stick to it. If she whines about it, let her know you are doing her a favor and that you told her specifically at the beginning. If she doesn't like it, she can find another ride who may have more time. Good luck. Not everyone does well with this kind of person. It takes a lot of what seems insulting to us (giving boundaries, repeating/reminding about boundaries, enforcing boundaries that seem like common sense to us), but they need it. Most of them don't have the social cues for this kind of stuff, or perhaps the ability to think outside of their own little world. This doesn't mean they don't deserve help. They just need a lot more saavy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Firestar Academy Posted May 28, 2012 Share Posted May 28, 2012 That's when you say, "Oh, don't even get me started" and sound annoyed and put-upon. You can alternate that with, "What am I not doing!" but you have to sound extremely exasperated. If you want to sound mysterious, you can slyly say, "Believe me, you don't want to know," and let it trail off at the end, like you might have to kill her if you told her the details. And then Get. Off. The. Phone. Immediately. You know, because you're so busy and all. :D :lol::lol::lol: bahahahaha!!!!' Robin Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
besroma Posted May 28, 2012 Share Posted May 28, 2012 Be honest when she texts/calls and tell her that you are not available. You do not need to give her a reason. You don't need to tell her why (that you are doing school/going to the store for yourself/etc., etc.). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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