Homeschool Etiquette Dilemmas

[psychmom]

I was kind of prepared for a lot of these questions since I had heard others' horror stories. But what I wasn't prepared for was how sometimes people can ask them at such inappropriate times/places. The 2 minutes before my dh's choir concert begins isn't really a time that I want to discuss my educational choices! My biggest defense is to just become as vague as possible. I use the line "we're just trying to do what we think is best for our dc at this point in time" or some variation of this...I love talking about homeschooling if someone is genuinely curious, but otherwise I just feel that I'm being judged, and I don't have the time/energy to care about what they think!:D

[KungFuPanda]

When kids find out that my daughter home schooled, they always ask her "Do you know _____? He's homeschooled too." She's just started answering "Yes, every homeschooler knows every other homeschooler."

:lol:

[She Reads a Lot]

My older ds (10) is in public school, mainly b/c he loves it, thrives there, and begs me NOT to homeschool him. For now, I'm OK with this. But it means we have spent the past 1 1/2 years picking him up from school at the same ps where younger brother went for kindergarten and half of first grade.

 

This means I'm always bumping into the moms of my now-homeschooled son's friends, and about 20 times this year, I've gotten "How is ____ doing? And will he be back here next year?"--and it's always said in this hopeful voice, like my goal in life should be to get my son back into public school, of course! :001_huh: Um, no?

 

He is thriving at home with me, and I highly doubt he will ever go back to ps. I sure don't want him to and do not plan for him to (I've got history planned out through 12th grade, after all). But it's SO awkward discussing this with these parents because they totally don't get that we love homeschooling. It's like the way they see it is that we're only homeschooling until I can get him ready to be back in school or something??

 

If I say that he's not coming back for 3rd grade, I usually get a question about him coming back for 4th grade. They are truly baffled that he might never go back to "school." And I'm trying to explain how well he's doing at home and how happy we are (ps was a misery for him and for me by default) without mentioning that he would be mind-numbingly bored by the endless worksheets and sitting still at this school that these parents love. So what can I say to explain why we are CHOOSING homeschooling for him? Whatever I say (that is as positive as I can make it toward ps) they usually just give me this glazed smile like they think I'm smoking something illegal.

 

Can you say AWKWARD?? Oh yeah.

 

Hope this helps!

Christina

[Lucy the Valiant]

One situation I've found tricky is when our public school neighbor kids quiz *ME* about why my kids don't go to school. I want to present home schooling as a realistic and positive option without making them feel like their school is inadequate or boring. (They're pretty jealous of the stuff my kids get to do.) I want to affirm THEIR choices without making MY kids want to go to ps! :lol:

 

I think I do handle this pretty well, but - it's an etiquette situation that does come up occasionally.

[Rebel Yell]

Yeah, I can handle the socialization question- I actually look forward to answering that one. But this question always throws me. How in the world am I supposed to respond graciously to the fact that you don't want to be around your own kids?!

 

 

One objection to homeschooling I hear a lot, that I don't think has been mentioned yet, is from other Christians who send their kids to public school. They claim that good Christian kids "need" to be in the schools to be a good influence on their peers. "Going into all the world" and "being the light" and all of that. My response is typically that those directives were issued to ADULT Christians, not to little children. Almost all of the verses one can read in the Bible regarding children involve admonitions for the parents to be training them and teaching them and guiding them, Never do I read about children being required to stand up and defend their own faith and being purposely put into adverse circumstances to give them opportunities to do so.

 

Although the issue above would apply primarily to Christians, there is another similar one in a secular vein. I've had folks tell me they see I am an involved parent and committed to my child's education. Then they admonish me that these are exactly the types of kids and parents that "need" to be in the public schools, to be a good influence on other struggling students and kids from households that are not actively involved in their kid's education.

 

While I am sympathetic to the social and moral and educational issues in public schools, I am sorry but I have no intention of sacrificing the needs of my own children on the altar of (supposed) evangelistic or educational benefits for other children. That's not the way I actually answer of course, but it is how I really feel.

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree: I agree 100million%

[sewingmama]

Luckily for me Australians are pretty uninterested and keep their noses out of other peoples business types :001_smile:

 

Generally I get two responses:

 

"Oh you homeschool -that's cool" - and then they ask a barrage of questions because they are interested and want to know more

 

or

 

"Oh" ... silence ...and I nicely ask them how their child is doing at school now to start them talking again :D

 

No one has ever came out and insulted me yet - no matter how they felt about it.

 

The funniest comment I had so far was from a lady I was talking to at the playgroup my kids attend

 

Her: but kids really need to learn to get on with others and make friends

Me: I agree...that's why we are here at playgroup

Her: looks embarressed as she realises what she just said

Me: so how's your little X doing at his new school he just started :D

 

Most people assume I get books sent to me from the school and when I say we don't they say "Well I guess you can just get everything off the internet these days" :lol:

 

The one thing I learned very quickly not to do was to tell people that I homeschool because the schools in the area are awful. They really are but we live in a rural area where there is limited choices of schools people have to use and I realised people where taking it as a backhanded dig at them for sending their kid to a horrible school :001_huh: So I quickly stopped saying that and changed it too "My child does better outside the school system" :lol:

[Forget-Me-Not]

2) The fore-mentioned "I could never do it, you're amazing." Um, no. It's not a right or wrong, it just an is. I'm not a martyr, sacrificing my adulthood on the alter of my kid's homeschooling. Frankly, I do it because I think it's EASIER than having to take the time every night and weekend to UNSCHOOL my kids. Frankly, I think people whose kids are in public school have a harder parenting job and I'm taking an easier way out.

 

:iagree:

 

I really haven't had any negative comments, but I hate the "Why are you homeschooling?" question. I realize many people don't see it this way, but it feels like an intensely personal question. We have many reasons for homeschooling, many of which I don't feel like discussing with the average person on the street. For the most part, I just answer, "Oh it's just been a really good fit for our family" and move on.

[pitterpatter]

I had to let the cat out of the bag when my DD skipped kindergarten round-up. We were at my grandpa's birthday party that day. My cousin's five-year-old and mother waltzed through the door fresh from the event. Everyone oohed and awed over the dot-to-dots he had completed. Nevermind that my still four-year-old had all but finished up her k work a couple of months prior. (Not that I told everyone that.) What I got from my favorite aunt was, "I'm sorry to hear that." :glare: Said it like an aquantance had just been diagnosed with a terminal disease.

[Spock]

One situation I've found tricky is when our public school neighbor kids quiz *ME* about why my kids don't go to school. I want to present home schooling as a realistic and positive option without making them feel like their school is inadequate or boring. (They're pretty jealous of the stuff my kids get to do.) I want to affirm THEIR choices without making MY kids want to go to ps! :lol:

 

I think I do handle this pretty well, but - it's an etiquette situation that does come up occasionally.

 

I teach the 5th grade Sunday School at our church. The kids there periodically ask about why we homeschool, what it's like, etc. Somehow, each time they are surprised that we plan to homeschool the 2 youngers through high school just like we did the 2 olders--even though I have told them this before. (We have a small church, and all of these kids know both of my 2 younger children, though many of them don't know the older two.)

 

It does take care to let the kids feel positive about their parents' decision to use the public schools while still keeping homeschool as a positive option.

[katilac]

HER: "Do you drink a lot?"

 

Well, yes, but I started that WAY before I started homeschooling :D

 

In reply to "how will he learn to deal with difficult people", I say, "clearly you haven't met my husband".

 

 

Or, in my case, "They deal with me every freakin' day, don't they?" :lol:

 

We are entering year 10 of hs'ing, and have gotten remarkably few rude or intrusive questions. I don't mind questions in general, and I often have "school" questions of my own, so it evens out. Yes, socialization almost always comes up if we have the conversation at all, but not in a rude way. More in a "oh, cool, I didn't realize homeschoolers were allowed to leave home" kind of way :lol:

[funmamacita]

Thanks so much for all the input! As I expected, you guys have been very helpful! It's much appreciated.

[funmamacita]

Nice people who helped me out with this article: If you would like a copy of the magazine this story appears in when it comes out this fall, send me a PM! (I am slack about logging in when I check the site, so if I don't get back to you right away, forgive me.) You can either give me your address or -- if you are worried that I am a crazy Internet weirdie who will start sending you long letters about the joys of diagramming sentences -- I can give you a code to enter on the magazine's website so you'll get a free copy without having to send me your address.

Thanks again for all your help! This was a fun and eye-opening story to work on, for sure! :)

[CyndiLJ]

As we enter our fourth year of homeschooling (Wow, it has gone by quickly!) I have had one comment most HSers don't get, I am betting. All five of our kids are adopted, with 3 Asian sons and 2 Caucasian daughters. Three times now I have been asked, when we are out in public during school hours, if we are some sort of foreign exchange school group.

 

As the popularity of charter programs grows, so too does the hostility towards those of us who are enrolled in them. Upon inquiring about activities with a nearby HS group I was told flat out "If you are part of a charter program, we do not consider you a real homeschooler and we will not allow you to participate in our events." I guess it was just as well, because with that sort of attitude I doubt we would have felt comfortable around such folks anyway!

 

Despite the fact that I am a Christian who attends church regularly, I really find it awkward when everything homeschool related has to be churchified. It feels like our decision to homeschool came with a litmus test of which I was unaware. I am always put off by responses to our curriculum choices (secular), our lack of interest in Bible memorization contests or our unwillingness to condemn every public schooler. I guess, truthfully, most of our more uncomfortable etiquette moments are actually generated from within the homeschool community rather than from outside of it.

 

Cindy

[Bassoonaroo]

I hate it when people think you are home all day so you can help out with their xyz project during regular school hours. They don't think this is my job or my children's school time.

 

 

:iagree: This.

 

 

"Oh, since you're home all day, you won't mind babysitting our twin toddlers."

 

"Why don't you come to the Ladies Group at church each Thursday from 8 to 11; you have time!"

 

"My fourth grader doesn't 'get' math. You homeschool, so you know how to teach it. Can she come to your house three days a week after school and you teach her math?"

 

No, no, and no.

 

And another pet peeve is when other homeschoolers call in the AM and try to talk forever, oblivious that I, too, homeschool. I always feel a bit awkward trying to end conversations that go too long.

 

Oh, and here's one. Our kiddos are on a Science Olympiad team. I read on a Science Olympiad board, "Oh, those homeschoolers can just NOT do English, math, history or PE -- they can do ONLY science." Nope. We have to do the same subjects as the public schoolers. We might do it on a different schedule but we do it.

[Rosyl]

sometimes when people ask me questions, it is because they are curious not because they are trying to be offensive. I need to remember to not be defensive.

 

Ex: One lady came up and said (out of the blue, no previous conversation about homeschooling , not even hi at the beginning)

how often do you get them tested?

 

me :confused:. I had to really watch my reaction. I told her the states requirements and what I did.

 

upon further talking to her she revealed that her daughter just started homeschooling and she was doing k 12 so she was actually wondering how others homeschooled and I think maybe making sure her daughter was doing ok;).

 

Another lady, a substitute librarian quizzed me relentlessly for weeks about the books I was picking up at the library. And then it came out that her daughter was homeschooling and she wanted to make sure she knew what she was doing.

 

So, I guess I am suggesting that homeschoolers may need to educate those who are questioning.

[funmamacita]

If you are interested in reading the finished article, you can check it out online here. (It starts on page 50.)

Thanks again for all your help! :)

[FaithManor]

Hm. I'm not sure you want my style of answers because I don't find that being nice about it is always the answer. :tongue_smilie:

 

I agree with Mrs. Mungo. I cannot always gracefully extract myself from the attack. Sometimes there is no way to avoid confrontation.

 

I once asked a quilt store owner (she seemed to think she was my children's primary quizmaster) that I would not be returning to her store because of her inappropriate, unprofessional behavior. My parting shot was, "Do you do this to all of the public school students who come in with their parents? If it's inappropriate to do to public school students, it's inappropriate to do do to ANY student. It's time a found another quilt store to frequent!"

 

I often say to the kids, "You don't have to answer that question. This person is not in a position of authority over you and this is not a friendly conversation; it is a dig at our educational choices." My middle boy is quite good at smiling sweetly and saying in a pleasant tone, "That is not your business."

 

Faith

[luvnlattes]

I enjoyed reading the article. I think you did a great job. The one that always throws me is the, "I could never do that," which is similar to your, "I could never be around my kids all day." Thanks for the tips.

[Jean in Newcastle]

If you are interested in reading the finished article, you can check it out online here. (It starts on page 50.)

Thanks again for all your help! :)

 

A very nice article!

[QuirkyKidAcademy]

A friend of ours who did some remodeling work on our kitchen years ago was very openly against homeschooling. He told me point blank that it was stupid, and that kids needed to be around other kids, and have sleepovers, etc.

 

"They SLEEP at your kids' school? Hmmmm......" Seriously.

 

 

5) And I just have to comment on the oft-repeated socialization thing. I've actually just started saying, "Actually, the socialization problems in public schools are one of the reasons we are homeschooling." I mean, really, it's so artificial. You're friends with kids because they happen to be born in the same year, they happen to be put in the same class and their name is close to yours in the alphabet? You get exposed to friends and bullies the same way, and the poor kids are stuck with these people for hours a day, most of the year. Instead, we get to make friends of all ages because 1) we like them, 2) they have similar interests as we do and 3) they are good friends. We aren't forced into these relationships. What's ideal about their form socialization, that's it's the way they did it? How many people are still friends with the kids they rode bikes with in the first grade?

 

"Why would I want my kid to socialize with the THIRD GRADERS who brought marijuana to school this year? And last year? And the year before?" (not all the same kids; just an on-going problem at our local school)

[snowbeltmom]

My boys have high national rankings in their sport, and many assume we are homeschooling for their sport, when that is not the case at all. I get the comment frequently from other sport parents said in a very condescending tone, "Education is the number one priority in our home."

 

I don't comment at all, but I would really like to say, "Education is the numbr one priority in our home as well. That is why my kids do not attend the public school."

[mom2scouts]

I had a woman ask me about homeschooling yesterday. The first question I ALWAYS get is "Do they do school online?" I know many people who use online charter schools and, if that works for them, I'm happy . I just hate that everyone assumes that homeschooling means online school. When I explain that I choose and buy my own curriculum, teach each of my children all of their subjects and only report to the school district once a year, they don't know what to think. The woman yesterday kept asking over and over if the school told me what to teach each year. When I told her no, she kept trying to ask the question in different ways like, "Don't they even give you an idea what a 4th grader should learn?" or "Do you even get a list of what a child in a certain grade should be studying?":lol: I finally told her that the local school district doesn't have any say in what or when I teach other than telling me the required subjects (math, reading, history,...).

 

Another time, I had a dad who was thinking about homeschooling after a school shooting. He asked about online school, as usual, and then said "I'm worried about socialization." You have to understand that this was at a dance competition where my dd was playing with 20 other girls at that very moment. My dd also dances with this man's daughters for 4 hours a week and he's worried about socialization!:confused:

[snowbeltmom]

Another time, I had a dad who was thinking about homeschooling after a school shooting. He asked about online school, as usual, and then said "I'm worried about socialization." You have to understand that this was at a dance competition where my dd was playing with 20 other girls at that very moment. My dd also dances with this man's daughters for 4 hours a week and he's worried about socialization!:confused:

I wonder if he ever stopped to think about the "socialization" going on in the public schools that results in a kid taking a gun to school and killing his classmates?:confused::crying:

[MooCow]

 

I was going to say the people assuming you can do anything for them at any time because you don't have school. This is a HUGE problem in my life.

:iagree:

[waa510]

I hate it when people think you are home all day so you can help out with their xyz project during regular school hours. They don't think this is my job or my children's school time.

 

This is a huge one with us. Everyone seems to think I'm their on-call last-minute babysitter if something comes up during the day. I let a lot of people take advantage of me last year in regards to free baby-sitting but it isn't gonna happen from now on. I'm over watching bratty kids...I have two of my own :tongue_smilie:

[Pixjen]

When I've gotten the "...can't protect them from everything..." line, I have been known to say, "Do you let your child watch R-rated movies?" (Or PG-13, if the child is very young and I can tell they'll say no.) Then I go on, "I see it in the same vein. While eventually they will see sex, violence, drug use and other bad things, I wish to screen those things out as much as possible for now. There will be a time for them to be exposed to those things, but it's not now." This logic has left a pondering look on a few faces over the years.

 

We call that "selective exposure." :D

 

I do NOT what my kids to grow up into SpeSHuL SnoFLakes. I'm hoping they will be responsible, moral adults who understand that while there is both incredible good and terrible evil in the world, that everyone is fighting a hard battle.

 

But nobody warns you in the homeschooling books or lectures that "selective exposure" and having a good relationship with your teen means they might ask you what a F-bomb is and its meaning. Or why everyone in their dual enrollment sign language class was laughing at the term "BJ," and please explain it THAT them. :blink: :svengo:

[funmamacita]

It was a fun story to work on. The majority of the etiquette experts I interviewed were homeschoolers, too, and they totally got it (and had their own what-the-heck experiences), but the one person who was an etiquette expert but not a homeschooler was shocked that people would ask certain questions or behave in certain ways. I had to keep convincing her that not only did some of these things actually happen but they happened often enough that I could justify an entire article explaining how to respond to them politely!

[Farrar]

Wow. Atlanta's local homeschool magazine sure is purdy. The ones around here are not that thick, useful, or well-laid out.

[Farmgirl70]

If you'd like the teen perspective, my daughter recently posted this video blog on her reflections on being homeschooled. She touches on some of these issues: https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=R_aMQvDF0MM

 

Also, I enjoyed the article! The magazine is nice, as well. I may have to bookmark that!

Edited September 21, 2012 by Farmgirl70
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[funmamacita]

If you'd like the teen perspective, my daughter recently posted this video blog on her reflections on being homeschooled. She touches on some of these issues: https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=R_aMQvDF0MM

 

Also, I enjoyed the article! The magazine is nice, as well. I may have to bookmark that!

 

Thanks so much for sharing that! (Are you in Georgia? If so, your daughter should definitely submit some of her work to the magazine. We are always looking for good work by homeschoolers, and she is obviously both articulate and interesting! :))

[Element]

My neighbors assume I'm automatically the friendly (and free) neighborhood tutor. "What? Problem with seventh grade math? Ninth grade science? Go ask Sara! She's so smart she homeschools her kids!" :glare: Um, I teach fourth grade, people.

[Farmgirl70]

Thanks so much for sharing that! (Are you in Georgia? If so, your daughter should definitely submit some of her work to the magazine. We are always looking for good work by homeschoolers, and she is obviously both articulate and interesting! :))

 

No, unfortunately we're in California. Thanks for watching, though. She'll be delighted that fellow homeschoolers watched her video. She's been "vlogging" as a hobby and loves to write, as well.

[happypamama]

Assumptions "Your kids are supposed to be geniuses because they are homeschooled" then people are disappointed when they are not.

 

 

When this comes from people with young kids, I always wonder what it says about their faith in their kids' schools!

 

I had an older gentleman say something like, "you must get high marks being homeschooled" the other day. I just smiled and said, "they do pretty well." (Usually people are too busy counting kids and saying something like "all those boys," though. As if four kids/three boys is just soooo many! :001_huh: :lol:) We're in a very homeschool-friendly area, though; it seems everyone knows someone who homeschools/homeschooled, and people seem very accepting of it in general, so I've not really had any rude comments.

 

(My own family and ILs are super pro-homeschooling, but if ever anyone is skeptical, I'm happy to share with them what we're using.)

[Belacqua]

My neighbors assume I'm automatically the friendly (and free) neighborhood tutor. "What? Problem with seventh grade math? Ninth grade science? Go ask Sara! She's so smart she homeschools her kids!" :glare: Um, I teach fourth grade, people.

 

Heh. And just wait until they start hitting up your kids for free tutoring!

[Mommy22alyns]

If you are interested in reading the finished article, you can check it out online here. (It starts on page 50.)

Thanks again for all your help! :)

 

Very nice!

 

I get, "I could never do that" too, and from such a lovely lady. She actually was a caregiver for her grandson who had pretty serious issues. I could never do what she did either. ;)

[Mommy22alyns]

If you'd like the teen perspective, my daughter recently posted this video blog on her reflections on being homeschooled. She touches on some of these issues: https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=R_aMQvDF0MM

 

Also, I enjoyed the article! The magazine is nice, as well. I may have to bookmark that!

 

Smart girl! I love it. It's always so inspiring to see "those who have gone before." :)

[Haiku]

"I could never do that!" Well, then it's a good thing you don't.

 

"How will you be able to teach them everything they need to know?" Do YOU know EVERYTHING you need to know?

 

"What about socialization?" You mean like prison, another place where people are forced to be there even if they don't want to?

 

Tara