Is this our American culture, home education culture, or just regular parent culture?

[Crimson Wife]

I went to the park last week and someone had written in giant letters in chalk on the sidewalk, "---- was here. She is only four years old. She knows her letters and numbers and can add, subtract, and even read!"

 

I'd be tempted to add underneath, "...and she's a paragon of modesty, too!" :lol:

[kewb]

I don't think this is a fair generalization.

 

Perhaps not but that is the message that I see being sent by the media. I don't believe all parents feel that they are awesome parents when they wax on about their children's achievements but I am willing to bet a fair amount of them do get a measure of self worth from bragging about their kids.

[TranquilMind]

I'm talking about bragging about our kids...not so much on message boards and stuff where we are looking for support, but rather in real life.

 

I've been commiserating over our year. There are so many things I COULD brag about to others, but I just don't do it. I don't want to be "that mom."

 

Yet, in our home school groups, extra curricular activities, and even church, if I look back, I know I hear parents brag loud and often. Usually, it is the same ones too. Sometimes, they are clever and mask the brag being "thankful." Others are in your face brags. I just think "why the constant need?"

 

Don't get me wrong. I think we should be proud of our kids to THEM. Others will naturally be proud without us bragging every five seconds. I'll be honest it bothers me for people to compete with accomplishments of their kids.

 

One thing I noticed, my closest friends have "real" faulty kids like mine and they don't brag non-stop. Every once in a while, we'll share our victories, but many times, we share our on-going challenges.

 

I just wonder is this an American thing, home schooling thing, or a parenting thing?

 

Hope44

It's just how people are. Some brag to mask their own insecurities. Some are just lonely, and attempting to connect with others. Some have no social skills whatsoever. Some only share something once in awhile. Some never say anything, even if they are suffering major traumas at home.

 

People are just different.

[Lizzie in Ma]

I have never played that game. No time or energy for it. I do hear it though.

Just this weekend at a family thing, I was subjected to a lengthy list of fabulosity and straight A blah blah about a granddaughter. Which was all the more amusing as said granddaughter was just outside begging her parents to let her keep her iphone which they were taking away due to a D in Physics.

:banghead:

[Parrothead]

My husband (who does the day to day school operations) met another homeschooling family that started taking guitar lessons from my son's teacher and they are the lesson before. Some quick small talk about the kids, somehow they got to homeschooling. He asked if they ever did any activites with any of the groups. The mom quickly said no, her son (also 8 or 9) reads on an 8th grade level and she didn't want him around kids his own age :001_huh:. Now, she doesn't even speak to my hubby or kids as they come and go from their lesson. Weird??

How odd. I certainly would not want my big kid pretty much exclusively hanging around teens.

[KnitWit]

What I focus on is how I perceive my children. If I only tell others only how challenging my children are, that's how they...and I...see them.

 

I genuinely enjoy hearing about the accomplishments and successes of the children, and adults, around me. :) I've noticed that my closest friends are happy to celebrate my children's successes and happy to share theirs with me.

 

I think it's a shame that sharing children's accomplishments and successes in normal everyday conversation is so often deemed bragging, but discussing their shortcomings is somehow acceptable.

 

Cat

 

I agree with this. I do admit that there is a *line*...but I'm tired of it being okay to pile on the complaints but wrong to share the good stuff.

[Aggie]

There is also a huge difference, imo, between stating facts and bragging. Our friends have dc who are smart or talented musicians or have gone to national competitions in debate. I don't consider it bragging when one of the parents mentions that ds scored in the top 98% of the SAT, or that her dd mastered a difficult piano piece, etc.

 

To me, this is part of their life. Their kid has usually worked hard to achieve a certain level of accomplishment in an area of talent.

 

Bragging reaches a new low when the kid hasn't done anything extraordinary and the parent announces how wonderful the kid is for achieving average.

[KungFuPanda]

I dunno, I hear brags, complaints, weariness, overscheduled families, exciting vacations, "couponing," you name it. Bragging is just one of many topics, and it doesn't seem excessive. I don't mind hearing the bragging. Nor do I mind the complaints. I do like people who offer useful tips based on their experiences, whether of the braggy or regretful nature. (like, "my kid was on energy drinks! watch out for that" or "don't even think about being a minute late for the SAT or they'll shut the door in your kid's face)

 

:iagree: I actually LIKE people and enjoy a good conversation. I can't fault anyone for being proud of their kids especially since I probably asked "How is Suzie's children's choir doing this year?" I like the mom and the kid and think it's interesting to hear about her latest recital thingy trip. (Can you tell I don't have a kid in choir?)

 

People can talk about their kids without offending me. It's when that's ALL they talk about that it gets tedious. Some moms are incapable of a conversation that doesn't involve their families.

[KnitWit]

Among homeschoolers, I think that many of us have endured so many battles and negativity from family members, neighbors, etc. that it *is* exciting to realize that no, we didn't ruin them! But then you find out you are not allowed to tell anyone when we SHOULD be each others biggest supporters.

 

I'm also realizing that sharing achievements and good things is unacceptable, however being so jealous that you cannot genuinely be happy for another person without making it about *you* and *your child* is perfectly fine. True *bragging* is not good, but neither is jealousy.

 

Weep with those who weep, rejoice with those who rejoice...don't make it all about *me and mine*. :)

[J-rap]

It is a difficult boundary, for sure. I usually only "brag" with my mother and husband. I think it's okay when you share brags with close friends who are genuinely happy for you, but when you barely know the person and they are bragging, it seems strange to me.

 

The things I feel are MOST important are usually not bragged about. For this reason I have always despised the bumper stickers that say "My child is an honor roll student," etc. I am more interested in if that student is kind, humble, or would reach out to someone who no one else reaches out to, not if they get all A's.

 

We've raised our kids with this attitude too, but sometimes it goes against them. If you don't learn to speak out for yourself -- show off your talents and be vocal about your abilities -- then you will be overlooked. It's a fine balance.

[6packofun]

I think the bragging culture that exists on most homeschool forums (or any parenting forums, for that matter) is extremely perplexing. Let's face it, this is a group of mostly strangers and barely acquainted moms; we probably wouldn't imagine going up to someone in real life with that low level of knowledge about us and our family and saying, "Can I shamelessly brag for a minute?" People inviting praise with unsolicited boasting or steering conversation towards their kids' accomplishments in this venue is just WEIRD to me. I can't even imagine getting any satisfaction from a clapping smiley face in response, either. :hurray:

 

I think homeschooling has been around long enough now that we shouldn't need to get validation from strangers about the things our kids do. It's not about the kids, either, because we're not boasting with them in the room or in the forum. It's all for ME, me, me. Boasting will not give us self-confidence so I say quit it.

 

I'm curious about those who say they enjoy hearing about others' successes, too. Why? Does it give YOU confidence? Why? Is it sort of like Chicken Soup for the Homeschooler's Soul? We all live extremely different lives and I just can't translate. LOL I think it's partly because my mom taught me never to brag, though.

Edited May 9, 2012 by 6packofun
...

[ChristyB in TN]

There was actually an article about this in the Wall Street Journal yesterday!

http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052702304451104577390392329291890.html

Excellent article, it explains a lot!

[Bang!Zoom!]

I think the bragging culture that exists on most homeschool forums (or any parenting forums, for that matter) is extremely perplexing. Let's face it, this is a group of mostly strangers and barely acquainted moms; we probably wouldn't imagine going up to someone in real life with that low level of knowledge about us and our family and saying, "Can I shamelessly brag for a minute?" People inviting praise with unsolicited boasting or steering conversation towards their kids' accomplishments in this venue is just WEIRD to me. I can't even imagine getting any satisfaction from a clapping smiley face in response, either. :hurray:

 

I think homeschooling has been around long enough now that we shouldn't need to get validation from strangers about the things our kids do. It's not about the kids, either, because we're not boasting with them in the room or in the forum. It's all for ME, me, me. Boasting will not give us self-confidence so I say quit it.

 

I'm curious about those who say they enjoy hearing about others' successes, too. Why? Does it give YOU confidence? Why? Is it sort of like Chicken Soup for the Homeschooler's Soul? We all live extremely different lives and I just can't translate. LOL I think it's partly because my mom taught me never to brag, though.

 

I've gotten some serious thrills from happy claps as I've shared breakthroughs and received great advice here. I personally really enjoy sharing the journey with people here. It's about support.

 

Stranger validation comes in all shapes and sizes, some professional, some just casual conversation with others.

 

Boasting here comes in every flavor from National Merit scores to the first rollover, the first smile, the first step - all sorts of ways - or simply just really enjoying the day with children.

 

I have to go find this video I saw a week or so ago, will come back and post the link - it might be something you want to watch 6, I thought it described the emotional connections and friendships here to a tee.

[KRG]

 

I think it's a shame that sharing children's accomplishments and successes in normal everyday conversation is so often deemed bragging, but discussing their shortcomings is somehow acceptable.

 

Cat

 

 

Until recently I didn't realize that being proud of my children and sharing something good about them was seen as bragging. It hasn't made me stop sharing though. ;) People will perceive things the way they want to regardless of the intent with which things are shared.

[Crimson Wife]

I'm also realizing that sharing achievements and good things is unacceptable, however being so jealous that you cannot genuinely be happy for another person without making it about *you* and *your child* is perfectly fine. True *bragging* is not good, but neither is jealousy.

 

What makes you assume that the listener who finds bragging obnoxious is jealous? It's just possible that their child is also high-achieving/advanced/etc. but they have the manners not to go around flaunting that fact in other people's faces.

 

Plenty of affluent people think it's tacky to go around flaunting one's wealth and nobody accuses them of "sour grapes".

[Jean in Newcastle]

I think the bragging culture that exists on most homeschool forums (or any parenting forums, for that matter) is extremely perplexing. Let's face it, this is a group of mostly strangers and barely acquainted moms; we probably wouldn't imagine going up to someone in real life with that low level of knowledge about us and our family and saying, "Can I shamelessly brag for a minute?" People inviting praise with unsolicited boasting or steering conversation towards their kids' accomplishments in this venue is just WEIRD to me. I can't even imagine getting any satisfaction from a clapping smiley face in response, either. :hurray:

 

I think homeschooling has been around long enough now that we shouldn't need to get validation from strangers about the things our kids do. It's not about the kids, either, because we're not boasting with them in the room or in the forum. It's all for ME, me, me. Boasting will not give us self-confidence so I say quit it.

 

I'm curious about those who say they enjoy hearing about others' successes, too. Why? Does it give YOU confidence? Why? Is it sort of like Chicken Soup for the Homeschooler's Soul? We all live extremely different lives and I just can't translate. LOL I think it's partly because my mom taught me never to brag, though.

 

I view this forum as an online support group. In fact, I'm pretty sure that I've seen that as one of it's missions. I support people in one way by cheering them on. So yes, I enjoy hearing about others' successes. Why wouldn't I?

[LibraryLover]

I view this forum as an online support group. In fact, I'm pretty sure that I've seen that as one of it's missions. I support people in one way by cheering them on. So yes, I enjoy hearing about others' successes. Why wouldn't I?

 

 

Yep. I really do want to hear about it.

 

Of course, I am one of those people who enjoys FB status updates letting me know you're at the market, Target, or that a bargain has been found at the thrift shop. In fact, I want a photo of it. Right now. I also love the pix of your (general your) kids doing cute things, and of your latest vacation. I want to know if you are spraying Malathion on your apple trees. ;) I can't help myself. :D I enjoy it. lol

Edited May 12, 2012 by LibraryLover

[Bang!Zoom!]

Man, I cannot find that video. I admit defeat. But boy it sure was good.

[LibraryLover]

There was actually an article about this in the Wall Street Journal yesterday!

http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052702304451104577390392329291890.html

Excellent article, it explains a lot!

 

Sure beats Prozac. :)

[Soror]

I think it is rude to brag and just as rude to degrade your children, neither are appropriate to me to random strangers. Struggles I try to keep to close friends or if it actually comes up and then I try to be vague (partly our of respect to my child and partly because it seems like a personal thing to just share with anyone). With my friends I share with them our successes and struggles and they do the same and we encourage each other and commiserate. I think giving a laundry list of accomplishment of your kids (or likewise a laundry list of how horrible/awful/challenging they are) is just not the thing to discuss in general conversation. I think humility is a good thing to have and we have to be careful of our parental pride. Putting down your child is not good parenting either though, there is no sense to degrade a person, especially not to strangers, it helps no one.

[myfunnybunch]

I'm curious about those who say they enjoy hearing about others' successes, too. Why? Does it give YOU confidence? Why?

 

:confused: Really? I am completely stumped by this question, and I'm not being snotty or snarky.

 

It has never, ever, ever even occurred to me that celebrating someone else's excitement over...anything, really...has anything to do with making me feel good or making me feel confident or really anything to do with me and how I feel.

 

I'm happy that others feel happy, or excited, or proud of their children, in person or online. No more than that.

 

Cat

[Miss Sherry]

I don't know, but in my circle everyone always complains about how awful their day/week/year has been and how burned out they are. I have started avoiding certain people because I am tired of hearing how much they hate homeschoolng. Bragging sounds like a breath of fresh air right now. :lol:

Well, I really haven't heard a whole lot of what I thought has been excessive bragging. I suppose talking about what your children are doing at all could be considered bragging.

I like to hear people talk about their children. How else are you going to hear about what's going on with them ? Actually, I would say that the majority of what I have heard most homeschool Moms talk about is their activities and specifics of educational materials they use. They seem to talk surprisingly little about their children.

[Scarlett]

I think that in the past couple of decades we've flooded our American culture with such constant, unhealthy competition that it's seeped into all the areas of our lives. Setting sports aside, discussions of cut-throat politics, economics, parenting, education, arts, you name it.

 

Whether we really recognize it or not, our kids are constantly in varying states of competition for friends, for spots on teams (even for little kids!) for grades, for who can memorize the most Bible verses, for scholarships, for attention at a day care center or from parents..... too many to name. And it's so pervasive now--- every single night on television Americans can watch some sort of competition, and I am not referring to sports. It's become big entertainment to see people get voted off islands, sent home from singing or dancing competitions or have their affections shunned in favor of a competitor. In my opinion, it's twisted and sick.

 

While competition can be healthy, I think we as adults-- parents, media, etc. don't do much to foster healthy and constructive levels of competition. (think Texas Cheerleading Mom Case.) I spent several years coaching varsity softball and the parents were brutal. Not every kid has to be a starter, and not every kid needs to get an A. Sometimes its just not achievable. And that's ok.

 

Out of time-- have to run to a meeting, but it's definitely somthing I"ve been thinking a lot about lately.

 

astrid

 

I soooo agree with your post! Except I am not sure competition can ever really be healthy. By its nature competition means someone wins and someone loses.

 

I've had a really rough time dealing with my conflicting thoughts about competition while trying to raise my son to be a productive human being. I encourage him to constantly work to improve himself and build up others with praise when they do well.

[Miss Sherry]

I view this forum as an online support group. In fact, I'm pretty sure that I've seen that as one of it's missions. I support people in one way by cheering them on. So yes, I enjoy hearing about others' successes. Why wouldn't I?

I share your sentiment. I also enjoy hearing of others successes. We are all different and our children are all different so each family will have a different mix of struggles and successes. I don't really see it as bragging or complaining when one shares what their particular "mix" of struggles or successes are. It's just life and sharing one's life with others.

 

We are called by Christ to share the good AND the bad with others.

 

Romans 12:15 Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.

[LMA]

I just saw this thread. Bragging is just human nature. Some people just take it to extremes.

[astrid]

I soooo agree with your post! Except I am not sure competition can ever really be healthy. By its nature competition means someone wins and someone loses.

 

I've had a really rough time dealing with my conflicting thoughts about competition while trying to raise my son to be a productive human being. I encourage him to constantly work to improve himself and build up others with praise when they do well.

 

Right there with ya, Scarlett!

 

astrid

[twoxcell]

I don't think it is exclusive to any group. I have friends that send their kids to Public School, Private School, and Homeschool and I have heard bragging from all three groups. Probably the most from the private schoolers. I'm getting a bit sick of the parents that send there kids to a certain classical school locally.;)

[Jean in Newcastle]

I just had an epiphany about my brother. I think some of these (strange to me) ideas of not "bragging" about your kids is why he never talks about his kids. If we ask how they are, he has on occasion accused us of snooping into their affairs. So we don't mention them and he gets mad because no one cares about his kids. . .

 

I'd much rather have people just feel free to be themselves, to talk about their lives and their loved ones without being afraid of having to follow a bunch of "rules".

[Hope44]

Hmmm...not caring for braggers=jealousy??? Something I hadn't thought about, actually. I think the jealous ones listen to the bragging would be the kind to "one up" so to speak. So, I would think the ones who are the recipient of the unrelenting brag and just smile and nod and politely scoot away may just have others to talk to or other things to talk about:)

and aren't jealous.

 

I know without a shadow of a doubt the unrelenting braggers in my life I have deep sympathy for and not thoughts of jealousy. I think it is wise to use tact when speaking to others and concentrate on what is being communicated. Odds are, if 95% of my speech is full of me and mine, I'm not going to have many people who enjoy long conversations with me.

[swellmomma]

I brag about my kids loudly and in public when I have something to brag about. Most kids see mine as "bad kids" or "troubled kids" or "Those kids" kwim. When I have something to brag about to help them be seen in a better light I sure as heck brag about it. When you have kids that struggle as much as mine EVERYTHING they succeed in is worth bragging about imo. Yes I could limit it to gramma but honestly I want my kids to see my boasting about them that I think their successes are as worthy to share as their failures kwim.

 

For example, ds8's story, I shared it here, on another message board, emailed it to my family, told people I knew irl etc. I was bragging like crazy because everyone knows what a struggle it has been for him to learn basic phonics. When they made their own fishing poles out of found materials I boasted about that a bit too.

 

I don't boast to every person I see nor to the same people all the time, but I find if I am only discussing their struggles I start to only see their struggles kwim.

[RanchGirl]

I think people care deeply about how their children turn out. It's easy to have a little deep down insecurity -- we have no idea how things are really going to turn out. maybe when they're 40 and married and successful I can finally breathe a sigh of relief that I didn't mess them up too bad??

 

So when you hear someone else bragging, it can bring those insecurities to the surface, make you defensive, and you instinctively can't stand that "braggart". Sometimes it's truly their tone, other times it's the way we perceive it, based on our own life experiences.

 

I abhor others' negative comments about their children, and I would never want my kids to hear anything like that about themselves, so I almost never talk about my kids' faults and the struggles we go through. I don't want to appear to be bragging/trigger an insecurity in others, so I don't talk about the great things either. So in the end, I am not talking about my kids at all, and they are the most important thing in my life. I have many other things to talk about, but not the truly important stuff. It's kind of frustrating!! Thank goodness for the internet!

[LaxMom]

I soooo agree with your post! Except I am not sure competition can ever really be healthy. By its nature competition means someone wins and someone loses.

 

I've had a really rough time dealing with my conflicting thoughts about competition while trying to raise my son to be a productive human being. I encourage him to constantly work to improve himself and build up others with praise when they do well.

 

My feelings, too.

 

I am happy to share in triumph and tragedy with friends and family. I don't think that's what the OP is about though. Nor is it about "achievement", which implies effort. The bragging I run into is the type where one goes on and on (and on and on and on) about how wonderful Little Johnny is for merely existing. Or, the opposite, the über-martyr, who can out victim any and everyone. It is these people I find irksome; their entire line of conversation seems designed to elicit envy or pity (or, sometimes, both... And that's really weird).

 

I'm not jealous. I just have little patience for listening to people put everyone else down.

 

(and to answer the original question: I see it in all circles, so I wouldn't say it's a homeschooling thing around my area)