Can I complain a moment?

[kolamum]

My mil has the tradition of giving her children a special wall hanging for their 40th. It's a small quilt with pictures from significant moments in their lives. So this year was my dh's turn. His was a wee late in arriving because he normally helps her make these things. She prints pictures directly onto material & then quilts it all up, etc. He normally scans the photos & prints them onto the material for her & then she sews the whole thing up.

 

His has many photos on it, compared to the other hangings I've seen. But, not one of them has our children in them, unless you count the arm & leg of two kids in one photo, but no face, no official "being in there". This photo was intentionally sewn in a way that removed the children from the photo, save their limbs. The only photo I'm in is one from our wedding where you can't see my face. There are three other photos of dh from our wedding, but I'm not in them. :001_huh:

 

Center stage of the whole thing has a teenage niece with dh in it. In the centre of bil's hanging is a beautiful picture of he & his wife from their wedding day. I mean, I know this particular niece took a shinning to dh at a very young age, but centre stage on the wall hanging of significant moments in his life?! There's one photo of dh with a baby. None his own. Rather the first niece of his that was born. Okay, I get that. He was a teen when it happened & he was giddy that he was an uncle.

 

But, what about when he became a father? What about his own children, & um his wife? I was pretty miffed by the whole thing, but really am trying to be a good sport about it. Dh asked mil, upon receiving it, where "we" were, as in his immediate family that lives in this home. She said, "Oh I really wanted to include them, but I couldn't." "Why?" "I didn't have any photos."

 

WHAT?!?! Not only does she take BILLIONS of photos each time we're together we send her photos via email, via Christmas cards. She lives 10 minutes from us for crying out loud!!!

 

I very quietly said, "You would have had family Christmas photos." She very pointedly, in a not normal for her voice, says, "I couldn't have used THAT. I'd have needed more then one." Never mind we've been married for fourteen + years & she gets a photo of our family every single Christmas. So not only did her tone of voice confuse me so did the statement.

 

Not only did we get trumped by nieces {be them sweet & pretty} & a dog {no stinking joke!}, she told us that she had another photo of dh holding the former family pet {that wasn't his mind you} and it was "such a beautiful photo I hated to leave it out..." I think our children are far more beautiful then a dog. :glare:

 

Dh put the crazy thing in his home office, the same room we use as a guest room. He's thinking he should bring it out & hang it up in the main area when she's around next. I told him no because then she'll expect to see it there every single time. I'm trying so hard to be a really good sport here about this, but I'm failing miserably. I'm just so hurt by the whole thing right now. :(

 

FWIW, my mil doesn't make a normal habit of excluding me or my children. She's very grateful for the constant help we give her. Despite having 5 children of her own, I tend to care for her the most. By care I simply mean tending to her needs.. taking her to the Dr, collecting her from her 4 am hospital runs, grocery shopping, visiting her to keep her company, taking her places just for fun, etc. Only one other time has she intentionally skipped me over, that was when a sil was in town. She wanted to get that sil, a local sil, & herself together for a quilting day. And yes, I quilt. I take her to quilting shows & the quilt shop often to pick up supplies. That was a few years ago & might not have been intentional, who knows..

[Harriet Vane]

:grouphug:

[Rebecca VA]

This would be important to me. I would ask your husband to ask his mom to re-sew at least one of the quilt squares so that there would be a photo of you in it. She can do this. I would have him ask very, very nicely and let his mom know that it is very important to *both of you.*

 

If she refuses, your husband should tell his mom he won't be able to display the quilt in his (and your) home.

 

I wouldn't declare war on her -- I'd just ask her to reconsider, and then if she won't, just fold the quilt up and put it away in a drawer.

[Gingerbread Mama]

:grouphug:

 

Oh dear, no. No, no, no. Don't hang it in the family room, not just to appease her. In fact, I'd be tempted to not hang it AT ALL, and let her wander through the hous looking for it. Then, when she asks where it is, say you didn't have ANYWHERE to hang it. When she says "What about...?", just say "Oh, we couldn't hang it THERE." and mention "{something tacky} is just so lovely, I hated not to hang IT up." .... all in a tone to match the one she used. I realize, of course, that most people will tell you to build a bridge, and they may be right, I just inherited a passive aggressive streak that rears it's head at time's like this. :D FWIW, if it was really important to my DH, I'd hang it somewhere....but I'd still tell him that it needs to be somewhere that I won't see it daily and feel hurt. Has HE said to you why he thinks she did this? Obiviously he noticed it, if he mentioned it to her.

 

Perhaps dementia is setting in? That's just crazy that you do so much for her and she appears to have deliberately snubbed you. It sounds like you get along okay, otherwise. Does she do this sort of thing to your kids, exclude them for other grandkids? This just makes me :confused: I'm sorry she hurt your feelings. I really think your DH should tell her he'd love to work with her on another one, and pick out some of his favorite pictures that include you and the kids.

[kolamum]

No, that's the thing, she doesn't make a general habit of excluding us. She will be "odd" around some of her friends, but she quickly learned we won't hang out with her then.

 

Dh wasn't impressed. He was utterly confused by some of the photos himself. When he saw his brother's hanging & that their wedding photo was center I asked dh if that put a new perspective on why I didn't like that particular photo of his niece being where it was. His response was stunned silence followed by, "that certainly puts it in perspective!" He was annoyed a photo of himself holding one of the kids wasn't on there over his niece or along with his niece.

 

BUT, and he made a good point.. he normally helps her with these things in regards to the photos. He helps keep her on track & select appropriate photos. Her view on life has changed drastically over the past few years & he wonders if that played a huge part in her selections.

 

I know she's been working on picture selection since Nov. of last year though. Perhaps the siblings who knew what she was doing didn't say anything. I dunno.

 

I won't ask her to resew it, i think she'd be utterly crushed. She was so proud of herself for being able to pull it off all on her own. She normally does a very lovely job on these things. She made us one with some of our wedding photos many years ago & it was very well done.

 

There's just so much about this one that doesn't sit right with me. Bah.

[Starr]

I've reached a new stage in life. I wouldn't hang it anywhere to appease MIL and if she asked I'd make some kind of direct joke of my family not being in it. You know like, "I'm waiting for one that shows his real life with his wife and kids." She's not valuing you. :( Boo.

[NanceXToo]

I'd be hurt by being excluded, too, and irritated that the kids were left out. If you have to leave it up, leave it where it is. I would not move it to a central viewing position just for her visits.

 

If she asks about why it is in a back room, your HUSBAND should tell her "It's beautiful, but I didn't feel right putting it out in the main room when my wife and kids weren't included."

 

Maybe she'll then volunteer to "fix it" or redo it. If not, there it stays. If she doesn't like it, too bad. It's not her house and hers aren't the only feelings that count.

[Chris in VA]

First, :grouphug:

 

You are sweet to recognize that she is proud of doing it alone, and would be crushed if it were rejected.

 

But then you said this:

She made us one with some of our wedding photos many years ago & it was very well done.

 

So, how about you hang the new one beside the old one in the guest room? Would that work?

[Rebecca VA]

Koala Mom, you really must talk with her. It would crush her much more to have a ruined relationship with her son and daughter-in-law. Please tell her how you feel and make sure she understands. Give her a chance to fix the situation. Let her know you won't feel proud and happy displaying the quilt until it reflects your family as it is today (with you in it).

 

What she did was weird, but you can be the bigger person and discuss it with her in a loving, entreating way.

[Julie in CA]

I'd be hurt by being excluded, too, and irritated that the kids were left out. If you have to leave it up, leave it where it is. I would not move it to a central viewing position just for her visits.

 

If she asks about why it is in a back room, your HUSBAND should tell her "It's beautiful, but I didn't feel right putting it out in the main room when my wife and kids weren't included."

 

Maybe she'll then volunteer to "fix it" or redo it. If not, there it stays. If she doesn't like it, too bad. It's not her house and hers aren't the only feelings that count.

I like this answer. :001_smile:

It's the truth, without being aggressively hurtful.

[Jumping In Puddles]

:grouphug:

[Cinder]

I'd be hurt by being excluded, too, and irritated that the kids were left out. If you have to leave it up, leave it where it is. I would not move it to a central viewing position just for her visits.

 

If she asks about why it is in a back room, your HUSBAND should tell her "It's beautiful, but I didn't feel right putting it out in the main room when my wife and kids weren't included."

 

Maybe she'll then volunteer to "fix it" or redo it. If not, there it stays. If she doesn't like it, too bad. It's not her house and hers aren't the only feelings that count.

 

This is so much nicer than my initial reaction which was to hang it in the bathroom. When she asks why you can say it was the best place because it made you feel like crap when you saw it. :lol: Ok, just kidding . . . or not.

[Annie G]

I think I'd pick out a bunch of family photos and tell her you like her idea so much that you wonder if she'd make a family wall hanging for you.

[simka2]

I have just spent a week with my mother and grandmother and have a couple thoughts. It was really interesting to see how much my grandmother has started to live in her past. My mother anchors her and helps to keep her present. It is barely noticable, but hwen Grandma is on her own she quickly falls into the past.

 

So, how is she aging? Mentally? I also wonder if your dh provided more guidance in selecting photos for the other quilts.

 

As she ages it is really normal for her to get more lost in the past and confused.

 

I am sorry, I know things like this hurt. :grouphug:

[Gingerbread Mama]

BUT, and he made a good point.. he normally helps her with these things in regards to the photos. He helps keep her on track & select appropriate photos. Her view on life has changed drastically over the past few years & he wonders if that played a huge part in her selections.

 

 

Then, could he pick out enough pictures to make a border? He could ask her to sew them on or offer to work with her to sew them on. I really think he needs to be clear with her that he wants his family included on this hanging, just as his siblings had their families included. I would also possibly ask her to relegate the picture of him with the niece to the border and put the picture of your wedding in the middle. Is it possible that the nieces are the ones who helped her this time, and that's why there are so many pictures of them on it? I could see a kid not thinking through what was put on the hanging. I'm just :001_huh: that she could have done, apparently, several of these and not have seen the huge difference in this one from the previous ones she's done.

[Slipper]

I think someone above mentioned dementia and I wanted to mention it again as a possibility. I know when my step-FIL first started showing signs, the first thing we saw (in hindsight) was when he started telling people that he thoughts I was going to sue them. I was hurt and cried over it. I've never been anything but kind to my in-laws and worked hard for my kids to have a relationship with all their family.

 

Eventually, the comment made sense when we saw his mis-perception of other things.

 

I think that perhaps her memory is focused sharply on the past and she may be struggling a bit with the present. This would make sense especially if she wants to quilt with your SIL's and they have been "around" longer than you. (Not sure if that's the case, just curious).

 

You sound like such a sweet DIL. I'm sorry you're hurt over this.

[jrn]

I'd be hurt by being excluded, too, and irritated that the kids were left out. If you have to leave it up, leave it where it is. I would not move it to a central viewing position just for her visits.

 

If she asks about why it is in a back room, your HUSBAND should tell her "It's beautiful, but I didn't feel right putting it out in the main room when my wife and kids weren't included."

 

Maybe she'll then volunteer to "fix it" or redo it. If not, there it stays. If she doesn't like it, too bad. It's not her house and hers aren't the only feelings that count.

 

 

:iagree::grouphug:

[Parrothead]

Could it be that she is planning on making you one for your 40th? Maybe as a surprise? Maybe she is saving all those photos for a second quilt.

[MinivanMom]

I'd be hurt by being excluded, too, and irritated that the kids were left out. If you have to leave it up, leave it where it is. I would not move it to a central viewing position just for her visits.

 

If she asks about why it is in a back room, your HUSBAND should tell her "It's beautiful, but I didn't feel right putting it out in the main room when my wife and kids weren't included."

 

Maybe she'll then volunteer to "fix it" or redo it. If not, there it stays. If she doesn't like it, too bad. It's not her house and hers aren't the only feelings that count.

 

I wouldn't leave something like that up in my home. I would fold it up and put it away in a drawer or closet, but I love the above response. Wait for her to ask, then your husband should tell her, "It's beautiful, but I don't feel right displaying it when my wife and kids weren't included." Take the quilt down in the meantime. This is your home and you aren't obligated to display it.

 

I don't think this is just thoughtlessness or needing your husband's assistance. This seems very deliberate. How does someone include several wedding photos without including a shot of the bride? That doesn't sound like someone who is simply slipping into the past. You were a part of that past and have been deliberately edited out.

 

If I'm wrong and this is out of character for her, then I agree with the other posters that you ought to be concerned about the possibility of dementia.

[Reflections]

I feel your pain - literally. I struggle with my mil too, and have really started considering dementia too - she is only 71 - and it just seems too early.

 

This is a very sticky situation with no winners. You will feel horrible when you say something and horrible when you don't.

 

If you decide to say something - have your dh say it. If she is all about the past before you she may deeply resent what is being said if it comes from you.

 

If you decide not to say nothing, just don't hang the quilt where you can see it daily - I would be inclined not to hang it up at all - and be prepared for when she asks about why you didn't hang it in the living room.

 

Best of luck. It's not easy. :grouphug:

[Homemama2]

I'd be hurt by being excluded, too, and irritated that the kids were left out. If you have to leave it up, leave it where it is. I would not move it to a central viewing position just for her visits.

 

If she asks about why it is in a back room, your HUSBAND should tell her "It's beautiful, but I didn't feel right putting it out in the main room when my wife and kids weren't included."

 

Maybe she'll then volunteer to "fix it" or redo it. If not, there it stays. If she doesn't like it, too bad. It's not her house and hers aren't the only feelings that count.

 

 

:iagree:

[gardening momma]

Together with dh I would choose pictures that included the wife and kids, print them on fabric, take the quilt apart, redo it and not say anything about it to mil.

[mumto2]

:grouphug:Since you quilt make your own featuring your family. Hang hers, the wedding, and the family together.

 

I wouldn't take hers apart. This is coming from someone who had huge mil issues. But she is gone now and I do sometimes feel slightly guilty and then I remember when she did .......

 

Anyway someday someone might want it...your neice?:lol:

[Stacy in NJ]

BUT, and he made a good point.. he normally helps her with these things in regards to the photos. He helps keep her on track & select appropriate photos. Her view on life has changed drastically over the past few years & he wonders if that played a huge part in her selections.

I know she's been working on picture selection since Nov. of last year though. Perhaps the siblings who knew what she was doing didn't say anything. I dunno.

 

There's just so much about this one that doesn't sit right with me. Bah.

 

My GrandMIL suffered with dementia and toward the end of her life made some pretty unusual choices regarding displaying photos.

 

During her life, she was really close to my dh's side of the family. Basically, they exclusively looked after her for close to 20 years; my MIL (her daughter) being the primary helper. When the dementia started to take hold, she removed all their pictures from her living room and put up photos of her foster daughter and foster daugher's children - people she had had little contact with for many years. She also began to talk about then nonstop.

 

My point being, that older people (not necessarily suffering from dementia) can start to loose perspective about relationships and fixate on unusual aspects of relationships. Perhaps your niece being front and center is an example of this.

 

If she's older, she may just be getting a little weird with age. Don't take it personally.

[gardenmom5]

Dh put the crazy thing in his home office, the same room we use as a guest room. He's thinking he should bring it out & hang it up in the main area when she's around next. ..

 

Does MIL go into the homeoffice? if not, then it's a great place. (if she does, I might be tempted to place it in a seldom used bathroom.) she won't see it, and frankly doesn't deserve to see it hang in a place of honor in your home. the fact you could see your own children's LIMBS in photo's disprovers her "I didn't have any photos" line.

 

the woman is nuts, and just do your best to not take it personally. :grouphug:

 

eta: (my mil is NOTORIOUS for wacky things. dh's family has taken making them into a joke into an artform. believe me, after staying up all night removing paint from a bathroom item my mil had taken upon herself to paint a shade of yellow that clashed with *everything* in my house, having my dh see me, laugh and say "poor little ___, saw ___ coming with a paintbrush and didn't run fast enough." still has me laughing 29 years later.

Edited April 30, 2012 by gardenmom5

[Catwoman]

I'd be hurt by being excluded, too, and irritated that the kids were left out. If you have to leave it up, leave it where it is. I would not move it to a central viewing position just for her visits.

 

If she asks about why it is in a back room, your HUSBAND should tell her "It's beautiful, but I didn't feel right putting it out in the main room when my wife and kids weren't included."

 

Maybe she'll then volunteer to "fix it" or redo it. If not, there it stays. If she doesn't like it, too bad. It's not her house and hers aren't the only feelings that count.

 

:iagree:

 

You were a lot nicer about it than I would have been. I can't understand why she would have done such a thing, and all I can think of is that either she is in the beginning stages of dementia or she harbors a lot of secret resentment toward you.

 

Your dh shouldn't have had to help her choose the photos; any idiot would know that you would include a person's wife and kids in this kind of keepsake.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: I'm sorry you're feeling hurt, and I'm sure your dh is feeling pretty upset, too.

[Little Nyssa]

I would try to let it go. I would not address it with her. I admire you for trying to be a good sport. From what you've written, it sounds like she did not do it maliciously-- whether from old age or whatever, she just could not think about it in a considerate way. That was too much for her to do, somehow.

 

I've been there-- my mother would do things like that. I gave her a professionally done album of our wedding pictures, and she rearranged them so that my brother's picture, and him alone, was on the cover for display! (He was her favorite). She stored a framed photo of me in the closet. But my mom was a severely ill woman. (Schizophrenia and on heavy medications-- which she needed-- but she could not react emotionally like other people.) She was not capable of thinking about what other people might feel about things. It wasn't malicious. In her own way she was quite caring, but not in a way that other people could appreciate. I learned that I could not expect that from her. Maybe your MIL can only do what she can do. Your generosity in taking care of her reflects well on you and it doesn't have to depend on whether she is capable of reciprocating or not.

 

The way I would try to stay gracious is by laughing at it (not in her presence). "She left us out, how ridiculous is that???"

 

I can't remember whether it was a thread her on on Miss Manners where an eccentric Grandma would always give the family members unequal gifts-- like one a valuable gift and the other some used socks. The family would just say thank you nicely and then laugh like crazy about it on the way home. "Look what she did this year!)

[MomatHWTK]

I'm wondering about the onset of dementia? My grandmother started going back in time when her's began. She remembered me as a high school student, not as a mother of 3, then 4. Maybe your MIL is starting to slip a little and is able to remember DH better from those earlier years. If so, she might be embarrassed or uncomfortable that she couldn't distinguish which of newer (more timely) photos to use. :grouphug:

[kolamum]

First, :grouphug:

 

You are sweet to recognize that she is proud of doing it alone, and would be crushed if it were rejected.

 

But then you said this:

 

 

So, how about you hang the new one beside the old one in the guest room? Would that work?

 

I thought of this, but unfortunately right now that wall hanging is in storage somewhere in another country! When it does arrive though...

 

So, how is she aging? Mentally? I also wonder if your dh provided more guidance in selecting photos for the other quilts.

 

As she ages it is really normal for her to get more lost in the past and confused.

 

I am sorry, I know things like this hurt. :grouphug:

 

She's 77, I'm with her the most of anyone, & until recently her children wouldn't take me seriously when I voiced concerns about her ageing. Stories she could tell me clearly from a year ago I have to prompt her on with or she can't remember them. Was in the middle of telling me a story about a parking meter & couldn't remember the name for a parking meter. We asked a friend who's a nurse about this & she felt considering mil's age that it was within the normal range. I do think some days are worse then others. Then she has spells where she seems perfectly normal, so who knows...

 

Could it be that she is planning on making you one for your 40th? Maybe as a surprise? Maybe she is saving all those photos for a second quilt.

 

Maybe, but I'm 5 years younger then my dh. For a while she clearly thought I was significantly younger then that. Last year she thought I was 25 and dh was 39. Apparently I age well :lol:

 

I would try to let it go. I would not address it with her. I admire you for trying to be a good sport. From what you've written, it sounds like she did not do it maliciously-- whether from old age or whatever, she just could not think about it in a considerate way.

 

I'm not think she did it out of meanness either. While dh wouldn't be considered "her favourite", she never hesitates to tell our children she does still consider him her baby, kwim? I suspect that going back through the old photos she couldn't let them all go & that there was no one to keep her in check with what she was selecting.

 

The one she made with all of us on it & the ones made with siblings on it were made a few years ago. Her perspective in live has changed greatly since then & I honestly think those photos might have been proof of it. They are weird to me though.

 

Thanks for understanding. I don't know if I'll speak with her about it. Knowing that dh is annoyed we're not on there eased my pain a bit. He did listen when I mentioned about what would happen if he brought it out, but I have no idea what he'll do. Between now & then he could be busy enough to forget. ;)

[RanchGirl]

I can understand why you are hurt. I wouldn't hang it up and if she looks for it, have dh say what a previous poster mentioned. It's honest but not rude.

 

If you want a wall hanging, make one of your family.

 

It really does sound kind of kooky -- hopefully she just made a silly mistake. That doesn't mean you have to hang it up in your home though. Even the back room -- why have something on the walls that hurts your feelings??