Oh no, MIL woes

[SJ.]

Strange Update in 25

 

If my MIL doesn't hate me then she really, really dislikes me.

 

I don't know if anyone remembers but his past December the ILs cancelled a birthday party they were going to have for DS1 a couple days before the event.

 

For some reason she decided she was going to have a surprise birthday party for him this Friday since we will be visiting as will BIL and his family. I told her not to make a cake and have a "party" since it has been so long since his birthday. We had a little party on his birthday and have since worked through his disappointment of not having a bigger party.

 

I just really don't see the point in trying to have a party 4 1/2 months later. It isn't like we aren't able to visit or that BIL (&family) isn't able. It isn't like she scheduled this Fri specifically a long time ago and that this Fri was the first time we could all get together. I scheduled this Friday as a get together since it had been so long since we had seen BIL, SIL, and their kids not to mention my boys are always asking to see their grandma & grandpa.

 

In reality, the underlying issue is that it seems like MIL/FIL don't see my boys as a priority in their lives. Sometimes we go months without seeing them and they don't even seem to notice. Now that my boys are getting older, especially ds1, they notice and miss them and ask to see them. About a month ago the boys kept asking me to call MIL to ask if they could come over sometime soon, just them. I did and MIL said she'd get back to me. After a week of being pestered I finally called MIL back and she said that the boys need to realize that they need to wait until she gets back to them, after her upcoming Tupperware party that weekend. That was a month ago.

 

Anyways... Our phone conversation tonight kept going around and around. She said she already apologized and how can I take it away from her to have DS a surprise party. I say the birthday was so long ago she should have done something sooner, it has been too long. She kept making excuses that didn't hold water and that did not happen (which she agreed after I mentioned what did happen). Blah, Blah, Blah.

 

I finally just let it out and bring up what I mentioned in the previous paragraph. I told her that the boys don't seem like a priority to them, that I don't believe there is an underlying malicious intent in that regards but they (my boys) easily get overlooked. I mention how sometimes it is months in between visits and that it is not because we are unwilling to drive the 90 min drive to go to their house. *For crying out loud, we have to pay to kennel our dog and pay for extra vet visits to keep him vaccinated for bordatella (kennel cough) to see them (and it isn't because they don't like dogs, they LOVE dogs, they just don't like OUR dog) - ok I didn't say that, just thought of it grrrr....* Last I mention how it has been a month since the boys asked to spend some one-on-one time with them and we haven't heard back. She didn't have much to say after that so I ended the conversation.

 

Unfortunately for DH he is at their house right now. He does not know specifically what was said on the phone. He just said, via text, MIL seems mad. He knew I was going to tell MIL not to have the party. Initially he was going to tell MIL but I (and he) didn't want it to look like he told me about it and then I told him to tell MIL no. Which is what happened. We just thought it would be better for me to tell her. That probably doesn't make sense. bah. If MIL would have/ or will bring this up to dh tonight he will back me.

 

I am not a confrontational person, this was hard for me. I was shaking, luckily not my voice, but I stood my ground which of which I am proud.

 

Oh, well. I will be the pariah, the villian, the despised DIL. Half the time I felt like MIL didn't like me anyways and that she was just putting on a friendly/fake front.

 

Maybe I was wrong to tell MIL not to have a party but you know sometimes you just burst from past perceived wrongs.

 

Yes. I am having a glass of wine right now.

Edited April 26, 2012 by SJ.

[OrganicAnn]

I didn't see an actual question in your post, so I assume it is a JAWM type post.

 

I do agree that it makes no sense to have a kid's birthday party 4 1/2 months after the birthday. It is really not good for the kids. I think you were wise to squash it. Up to two weeks - okay. 4 1/2 months that is crazy talk.

 

I'd also let your DH handle things with him mother. But I'd make sure you prepare him for what to say.

[SJ.]

You are right, I didn't put a question. I guess my question is did I do the right thing in telling MIL that having a spur of the moment party for ds1 4 1/2 months later was unacceptable? Did I do the right thing telling them that it seems as if the boys aren't much of a priority to them?

 

I have to say that I do feel like I let my emotions guide some of the conversation, especially the ending. I just thought I would tell MIL no don't do a party do something next year and that she would be fine. I didn't expect, and wasn't prepared for, all the arguing back. Perhaps I should have just said - no. It has been 4 1/2 months and that is too late to throw a party. Period.

 

Thoughts?

 

BTW - is it going to be awkward on FRI? Ugh. What should I prepare for, anything? Did I mention I hate confrontation?

[MomatHWTK]

I have chosen to downplay the relationship between my children and the people who don't want to make the effort to have one. Said people still seem to think that after months or years of no actual visual contact (just cards now and then) I'll jump up to make a get together happen. I am dealing with quite a bit of bitterness over this and thus can't really help you out with a fair and rational answer.

 

Let's just say the last time a "really wish you would visit" comment was passed on to me by DH, cursing ensued. :glare:

 

 

Sounds like your MIL is going to do what she wants when she wants. I'd probably try my best not to get angry just roll my eyes and let my kids figure it out on their own over time. I don't sugar coat things though. If they ask why so and so isn't here or wasn't there when... well, I'll just let so and so answer that.

[Renthead Mommy]

Okay, if you only had one kid, I could almost see a grandma wanting to do something special for her one grandkid.

 

However... it appears you have two boys. Two boys that are not really old enough to really realize G'ma is trying to make for a past issue. But they are plenty old enough for one to feel treated super special and one to feel NOT treated special and completely not understanding why the older is getting the special treatment.

 

Seems like a set up for one kid to end up with hurt feelings.

 

So yes, you were totally correct to tell her no.

[Word Nerd]

We had "unbirthday" parties with my cousins when I was a kid because aunts, uncles, and cousins were spread out and we usually had one party when we got together in the summer. I don't have any problem with having a party not on the actual day or see why that would be "not good for kids." But in this case it does sound more like an afterthought on MIL's part, and I understand why you said no.

[TranquilMind]

You are right, I didn't put a question. I guess my question is did I do the right thing in telling MIL that having a spur of the moment party for ds1 4 1/2 months later was unacceptable? Did I do the right thing telling them that it seems as if the boys aren't much of a priority to them?

 

I have to say that I do feel like I let my emotions guide some of the conversation, especially the ending. I just thought I would tell MIL no don't do a party do something next year and that she would be fine. I didn't expect, and wasn't prepared for, all the arguing back. Perhaps I should have just said - no. It has been 4 1/2 months and that is too late to throw a party. Period.

 

Thoughts?

 

BTW - is it going to be awkward on FRI? Ugh. What should I prepare for, anything? Did I mention I hate confrontation?

It's easy for me to say, since I wasn't there, but I think you went overboard on this one. The issue is not the birthday party, but you made that an issue. I think you were right to say that your boys don't feel like much of a priority with them, and to mention the "I'll get back to you after my Tupperware party" failure to respond.

 

But it seems a little petty to tell her she cannot have a party for him now. Why not? Better late than never. Better a little attention than none at all. Why can't she have a party for both now (if she's missed anything with the other one).

 

I agree your husband should talk to them, but he probably won't want to, because these people raised him and he knows how they are.

[TranquilMind]

MomatHWTK;Sounds like your MIL is going to do what she wants when she wants. I'd probably try my best not to get angry just roll my eyes and let my kids figure it out on their own over time. I don't sugar coat things though. If they ask why so and so isn't here or wasn't there when... well, I'll just let so and so answer that.

 

This is the way to go. Never, ever speak negatively with attitude and resentment about relatives; you respect the position, if not the person.

 

Facts are acceptable. "Grandma attended X." is ok. "Grandma doesn't care about us and never comes to anything." is not.

 

The kids will figure it out, believe me.

Edited April 26, 2012 by TranquilMind

[readinmom]

I know that it's hurtful that they don't seem to make your dc a priority. A while back I invited MIL to lunch to discuss the fact that they never spend time with our kids. As soon as we sat down, she beat me to the punch and said she felt it was time to spend more time with the kids. And that is as far as it ever went. They will fly thousands of miles to visit other gkids, but won't make time for the ones that are 40 miles away. I gave up.

 

The one thing you can't get back is time, and I hope your MIL comes to her senses before the boys get too old. As far as the b-day party, it does seem a little too late for that sort of thing. Will this happen at holidays also?

[Catwoman]

I think you did the right thing. Your MIL was completely out of line, and you had every reason to say what you did.

 

It is ridiculous to have a birthday party several months late, although I guess it would certainly have a "surprise" element to it. :glare:

 

Enjoy your wine and don't give this another thought. You told her what you thought; let her deal with it. Clearly, your dh is on your side, so there's nothing to worry about.

[Scarlett]

I think you did the right thing. Your MIL was completely out of line, and you had every reason to say what you did.

 

It is ridiculous to have a birthday party several months late, although I guess it would certainly have a "surprise" element to it. :glare:

 

Enjoy your wine and don't give this another thought. You told her what you thought; let her deal with it. Clearly, your dh is on your side, so there's nothing to worry about.

 

I'm on the fence. Not with the wine---on that issue I say have TWO glasses.

 

With the other.....sometimes you just gotta let your inlaws be crazy.

 

I don't even DO birthdays....but my XMIL is so UNconcerned with ds that in your shoes I'd be THRILLED she wants to do any sort of party..

 

Like I said....I'm on the fence.

 

But definitely drink more wine.

[Catwoman]

I'm on the fence. Not with the wine---on that issue I say have TWO glasses.

 

With the other.....sometimes you just gotta let your inlaws be crazy.

 

I don't even DO birthdays....but my XMIL is so UNconcerned with ds that in your shoes I'd be THRILLED she wants to do any sort of party..

 

Like I said....I'm on the fence.

 

But definitely drink more wine.

 

LOL about the wine!!!

 

My thinking was that if she encourages this sort of behavior, it will lead to even more of it. If the MIL had been genuinely upset about not being able to have the party at the right time, and had a valid reason for canceling the original party, I would have responded entirely differently, but it sounds more like she might be trying to look like a wonderful person in front of the rest of the family, rather than truly being remorseful about having done such a mean thing to her grandson on his birthday.

[MrsBasil]

I think you did the right thing. Your MIL was completely out of line, and you had every reason to say what you did.

 

It is ridiculous to have a birthday party several months late, although I guess it would certainly have a "surprise" element to it. :glare:

 

Enjoy your wine and don't give this another thought. You told her what you thought; let her deal with it. Clearly, your dh is on your side, so there's nothing to worry about.

 

 

Pretty much this, though since your DH has your back let him handle things pertaining to his mother from now on.

[gardenmom5]

for starters - it's your mil problem, so don't make it personal. If you bend over backwards to get her to like you - you'll be disappointed. some people just can't be bothered or pleased. What's most important is your mothering.

 

when your children express the desire to see grandma - don't encourage them. Call and ask, let them know you asked, but reminding them grandma is *really* "busy" so "you'll see what happnes". don't lay a guilt trip on mil to do something that really isn't a priority to HER. If she doens't get back for a month - remind the children grandma is "really busy". exposing your children to spending time with a woman who doens't care enough to make them a priority isn't doing them any favors either. You don't want them to grow up feeling like they have to chase after someone for approbation who is not interested in them. let them know that is grandma's choice and has NOTHING to do with them.

 

I could go either way on the party - it could be written off to your children of how "eccentric" (tongue FIRMLY in cheek and eyes spinning) grandma is, or holding your ground that his birthday was months ago and party time has past. she had her opportunity, and didn't take it.

 

lastly, she's your husbands mother and HE should be the one to deal with her so she knows by your actions (so you don't have to say it in words) this is a united front and she can't "divide and conquer" and make you out to be the fall guy.

[SunnyDays]

Here's what stands out to me: MIL asked you how you could "take it away from her" to give DS a party.

 

Well... it's not her kid. She's the grandma, and it's not up to her. She should recognize his birthday when it's his birthday.

 

Now, I understand if some families have traditions to have joint seasonal birthday parties, half birthdays, whatever. But when that's not the case, and Grandma just gets a wild hair to throw someone a party months after the fact... I don't know, it strikes me as a control issue, especially when she said they'd just have to wait for her to get around to returning their call.

 

I've had IL issues over the years. The one thing I've learned: boundaries are our friends. :) Life is too short to try to please everyone... all you end up doing is running yourself ragged, and you'll end up with someone still not being happy.

[Marie131]

Out of curiosity, when is your other son's birthday? I find the thought of having a birthday party nearly half a year late, to be...well...a bit strange :glare: Just wondering how the timing of it all would fit w/ your other child's birthday as I could see some resentment and hurt feelings going on there.

 

I don't think you were out of line at all. I have issues w/ my ILs and their relationship, or rather lack of relationship, w/ my children. There is definitely a bit of favortism for my BILs kids over mine. But what can I do. I don't talk to my ILs. I let my hb deal w/ them. I don't have time for people who don't have time for me.

[Catwoman]

...it strikes me as a control issue, especially when she said they'd just have to wait for her to get around to returning their call.

...

The one thing I've learned: boundaries are our friends. :)

 

:iagree:

 

I truly don't believe she wants to do this out of her incredible love for your ds... because if she really loved him, she would have had the original party as scheduled.

 

Does your MIL exhibit a lot of narcissistic tendencies? Is everything always "all about her?" Because this party thing is making me wonder if she has some major issues.

[Tammyla]

:grouphug:

 

:iagree: Your other son will wonder why he wasn't gifted with a spec. b-day, since it isn't his real b-day too:001_huh:.

 

Mil's (for many of us) are hard, but I'd insist she treats both children equally.

Edited April 26, 2012 by Tammyla

[SJ.]

Thanks for the responses everyone! It felt so good to be able to get all of that out to someone after my phone call with MIL. It actually helped me to think more clearly about things. I realized that by giving my consent to a last minute birthday party in this scenario would be like saying it was OK to cancel the original party, it was OK to not even try to plan anything sooner, and that it is OK to plan a list minute party that seems more like an after thought. None of these things are ok, especially when it involves my child.

 

:iagree:

 

I truly don't believe she wants to do this out of her incredible love for your ds... because if she really loved him, she would have had the original party as scheduled.

 

Does your MIL exhibit a lot of narcissistic tendencies? Is everything always "all about her?" Because this party thing is making me wonder if she has some major issues.

 

Later last night when I talked to dh I mentioned something like this to him, that his mother just seems selfish sometimes. I don't think it is intentional but it does explain a lot. After I talked to her about canceling the other party in Dec it came out that she thought her DH was throwing her a surprise birthday lunch with her neighbors at a local diner. (She and DS share the same birthday.) She was then upset that he didn't, that it was just lunch with the two of them. She was not upset she missed out on ds' birthday, just that she didn't get a surprise party. :001_huh:

 

Out of curiosity, when is your other son's birthday? I find the thought of having a birthday party nearly half a year late, to be...well...a bit strange :glare: Just wondering how the timing of it all would fit w/ your other child's birthday as I could see some resentment and hurt feelings going on there.

<SNIP>.

 

His is in the summer. The funny thing is that she did something similar but in that case it was a month and a half late. It also did not include a cancelled birthday party. It was more of a promise to make him a birthday cake. I was a little irked that it took so long but I found it much easier to excuse a month and a half vs four and a half months.

 

Pretty much this, though since your DH has your back let him handle things pertaining to his mother from now on.

 

Yes, we have decided that if it comes up on Friday that I am to direct her to talk to DH.

 

Here's what stands out to me: MIL asked you how you could "take it away from her" to give DS a party.

 

Well... it's not her kid. She's the grandma, and it's not up to her. She should recognize his birthday when it's his birthday.

<SNIP>

 

I found that weird too.

 

To be honest I felt like she was painting me as an uncompromising DIL that only wants things my way. I felt like she was acting like DS' birthday was last weekend and I told her if she didn't celebrate it then she couldn't acknowledge it at all. I would never dream of being that inflexible.

 

She actually said to me that I need to realize that in life not everything is going to happen the way I want it to. Perhaps she thinks I am a spoiled brat that always gets my way? Which is so far from the truth, my life has had plenty of periods where nothing went the way I would have liked and I tried to weather those moments with as much grace as I could muster.

 

To be honest, I think MIL was more excited about making a cake than about anything else. I think that is what I took away from her.

[Renthead Mommy]

 

To be honest, I think MIL was more excited about making a cake than about anything else. I think that is what I took away from her.

 

Well no don't go getting crazy now! There is nothing wrong with her making a cake. If you are going to be there anyway, you shouldn't take away the chance for her to make cake for you. It does NOT need to be a birthday cake, especially on an non birthday day, and only for one of two kids. However if she wants to make a kid friendly style cake that would normally be used on birthdays, as long as it doens't say something like Happy Birthday Kid #1 or anything than I think that would be fine.

 

Of course I like cake so I may be bias about the subject!

 

But seriously, if you want to meet her halfway, ask her she really wanted a birthday party or if she really wanted to make a special cake, because you always enjoy her cakes, she does a great job, cakes are alway nice to have, yada, yada, yada. Everyday can be cake day, it doesn't have to be a birthday party. And if it really is all about her, than by showing off her baking skills, it really would be all about her. Yes it is feeding her issues, but sometimes it is easier, while you are still holding your ground. But I guess in that case she would get her cake and be able to eat it too!

[LaxMom]

Here's what stands out to me: MIL asked you how you could "take it away from her" to give DS a party.

 

Well... it's not her kid. She's the grandma, and it's not up to her. She should recognize his birthday when it's his birthday.

 

Now, I understand if some families have traditions to have joint seasonal birthday parties, half birthdays, whatever. But when that's not the case, and Grandma just gets a wild hair to throw someone a party months after the fact... I don't know, it strikes me as a control issue, especially when she said they'd just have to wait for her to get around to returning their call.

 

I've had IL issues over the years. The one thing I've learned: boundaries are our friends. :) Life is too short to try to please everyone... all you end up doing is running yourself ragged, and you'll end up with someone still not being happy.

:iagree: This has my narcissistic mother alerts all going off. She wants to be the star of the show. If the birthday party happened before, your son would have been the star. By doing it half a year past his (her) birthday, she gets to be the star as the surprise party thrower.

 

Literally, the story of life with my mother.

[SJ.]

Well no don't go getting crazy now! There is nothing wrong with her making a cake. If you are going to be there anyway, you shouldn't take away the chance for her to make cake for you. It does NOT need to be a birthday cake, especially on an non birthday day, and only for one of two kids. However if she wants to make a kid friendly style cake that would normally be used on birthdays, as long as it doens't say something like Happy Birthday Kid #1 or anything than I think that would be fine.

 

Of course I like cake so I may be bias about the subject!

 

But seriously, if you want to meet her halfway, ask her she really wanted a birthday party or if she really wanted to make a special cake, because you always enjoy her cakes, she does a great job, cakes are alway nice to have, yada, yada, yada. Everyday can be cake day, it doesn't have to be a birthday party. And if it really is all about her, than by showing off her baking skills, it really would be all about her. Yes it is feeding her issues, but sometimes it is easier, while you are still holding your ground. But I guess in that case she would get her cake and be able to eat it too!

 

You are right, cake is always good! If someone enjoys making a cake it doesn't always have to be a birthday cake. I should have just suggested making a fun cake, just because. Bah.

 

It did just hit me. SIL's daughter's birthday is this weekend. MIL should just make her a cake. She will be there. We are going to be making her birthday cards this afternoon.

[Zebra]

You MIL sounds very controlling.

 

Tell her no thanks, and don't feel guilty. There were plenty of opportunities for compromising with you in the last 4+ months. But that's not what she wants, she just wants to control you. And the more you give in to stuff like this, the worse it gets.

[2squared]

In reality, the underlying issue is that it seems like MIL/FIL don't see my boys as a priority in their lives. Sometimes we go months without seeing them and they don't even seem to notice. Now that my boys are getting older, especially ds1, they notice and miss them and ask to see them. About a month ago the boys kept asking me to call MIL to ask if they could come over sometime soon, just them. I did and MIL said she'd get back to me. After a week of being pestered I finally called MIL back and she said that the boys need to realize that they need to wait until she gets back to them, after her upcoming Tupperware party that weekend. That was a month ago.

 

This is merely a gentle suggestion regarding the underlying issue. Perhaps you should remove all expectations of your ILs regarding visits, attention, gifts, whatever. If you expect nothing and they actually do something, then their efforts become a wonderful surprise. If you expect more than they are willing or able to give, then you (and your boys) will be consistently disappointed. If your MIL plans a crazy b-day party at a random time, minimize the importance of the event to your boys and laugh about crazy MIL with them. We laugh a lot about the quirky side of our grands.

 

Maybe I'm not connected enough to my family, but I truly expect nothing from them. When we want to visit, we call and ask to visit. If it works out, great. If not, too bad for them. When they want to visit, they call and ask us. We see some grandparents less than once/year and others bounce between multiple times/month and not seeing them for a few months. Some are really missing out, but it's their loss. We rarely invite any grands for dc special events, and those special events are still special for us. Change what you can change and let the rest go. You will be more peaceful.

[SJ.]

What is going on? Has everyone lost their minds?

 

I spoke to SIL today and she wanted to ask us to go to her house tomorrow instead of MIL's because they are having a birthday party for her daughter. Of course this is fine and of course MIL/FIL are invited too. We have been playing phone tag all week, she has been trying to ask me about it.

 

The crazy part is MIL knows that it is her granddaughter's birthday. SIL even spoke to her about having her birthday party this weekend. Maybe MIL is losing her mind, I have questioned her sanity before. :001_huh:

 

I then come home and there is an email from FIL saying the get together is off because he spoke to BIL and SIL is working tomorrow. Um, nope just spoke to SIL she may have to work in the day but will be home in the late afternoon.

 

There are some serious communication issues with these people!

[NorthwestMom]

They sound very difficult. It's your Dh's family, I'd let him handle all communication from here on out. And I'd keep my expectations from them very low.

 

:grouphug:

[gardenmom5]

. Maybe MIL is losing her mind, I have questioned her sanity before. :001_huh:

 

I !

maybe she is. who told fil that sil was working? make 'suggestions' she seems to be forgetting or confused.

 

she's remembers it is "someone's" birthday . . . . .

[SJ.]

maybe she is. who told fil that sil was working? make 'suggestions' she seems to be forgetting or confused.

 

she's remembers it is "someone's" birthday . . . . .

 

He said BIL did.

 

There is no way I would ever make such a suggestion to BIL, FIL, or MIL - DH would have to be the one to do it. :auto:

 

Maybe DH can ask MIL or FIL why she wanted to have a party for ds on dgd's birthday. Then again I'm thinking we should just let this topic rest with the IL's unless they bring it up.

[ma23peas]

He said BIL did.

 

There is no way I would ever make such a suggestion to BIL, FIL, or MIL - DH would have to be the one to do it. :auto:

 

Maybe DH can ask MIL or FIL why she wanted to have a party for ds on dgd's birthday. Then again I'm thinking we should just let this topic rest with the IL's unless they bring it up.

 

:grouphug: Just a lot of raw feelings that need to be absorbed. Feel good that you got it off your chest, she heard your misgivings (cancelling party/not returning calls)..whether she 'heard' them is the big unknown. The best thing you can do is to let it go, do not bring it up again...stand your ground on the party....honestly, the less time your children have with these types of personalities may be better! Did she ever give a reason as to why she cancelled the party?

 

Just make sure to not let your miscommunications (and everyone else's) taint their image of their grandparents...kids need to know many people love them...having to dance around personality divits needs to come much later :)

[lmrich]

I would monitor the situation if you honestly think Grandma was confused about who's birthday it was. Maybe they don't want to visit with you because they are trying to hide something about their mental health.

 

Just a thought.

[SJ.]

I would monitor the situation if you honestly think Grandma was confused about who's birthday it was. Maybe they don't want to visit with you because they are trying to hide something about their mental health.

 

Just a thought.

 

I don't think this is the case. DH has a new job that is near them and he stays at their house when he is working. He is there every week for 2-3 evenings.

[Homemama2]

If the MIL had been genuinely upset about not being able to have the party at the right time, and had a valid reason for canceling the original party, I would have responded entirely differently, but it sounds more like she might be trying to look like a wonderful person in front of the rest of the family, rather than truly being remorseful about having done such a mean thing to her grandson on his birthday.

 

:iagree:

[OrganicAnn]

I could be wrong but is sound like FIL/MIL are trying to sabotage DIL and Granddaughter's birthdays. Telling you it is cancelled when it isn't. Planning a party for your DS when SIL/BIL is planning a party for their DD. Just seems like it to get the attention away from someone else.

[Impish]

This has my narcissistic mother alerts all going off. She wants to be the star of the show. If the birthday party happened before, your son would have been the star. By doing it half a year past his (her) birthday, she gets to be the star as the surprise party thrower.

 

Literally, the story of life with my mother.

:iagree:

 

I could be wrong but is sound like FIL/MIL are trying to sabotage DIL and Granddaughter's birthdays. Telling you it is cancelled when it isn't. Planning a party for your DS when SIL/BIL is planning a party for their DD. Just seems like it to get the attention away from someone else.

:iagree:

[Tap]

What is going on? Has everyone lost their minds?

 

I spoke to SIL today and she wanted to ask us to go to her house tomorrow instead of MIL's because they are having a birthday party for her daughter. Of course this is fine and of course MIL/FIL are invited too. We have been playing phone tag all week, she has been trying to ask me about it.

 

The crazy part is MIL knows that it is her granddaughter's birthday. SIL even spoke to her about having her birthday party this weekend. Maybe MIL is losing her mind, I have questioned her sanity before. :001_huh:

 

I then come home and there is an email from FIL saying the get together is off because he spoke to BIL and SIL is working tomorrow. Um, nope just spoke to SIL she may have to work in the day but will be home in the late afternoon.

 

There are some serious communication issues with these people!

 

Any chance there is a hearing loss issue at work here? My dad had a hearing issue that almost cost him a divorce before my mother figured it out. He could only hear parts of what my mother was saying so his mind just filled in the rest.....often incorrectly. My mother started to think that my father was nuts (doing the opposite of what she asked and such). My father thought my mother was making things up, when she would get mad at him for things that he misheard. As it turned out, my father had the beginnings of a hearing loss, so if my mother wasn't talking to him face to face, he would miss part of the conversation. He could hear some voices fine, but not others.

 

The situations you have relayed here, could possibly be the result of such an issue. Maybe dh can pay attention a bit when he is there to see if he notices anything.

[bolt.]

Here's the easy way to deal with this situation.

 

a) Stop trying to figure out anything (or anyone).

b) Wait for people to invite you to events (or plan events yourself and invite people to them).

c) When you receive invitations, accept them if you want to go -- if it's a good thing at a good time, and decline them if it's not. Ignore anything that is not a clear invitation with a date, time and location: consider it 'irrelevant musing' and wonder why they are putting you in the loop before a decision is made. Accept cancellations only from the person who issued an invitation.

d) Let everyone else make their own decisions.

e) Give everyone else permission to have any feelings they want to have.

f) Give yourself permission to have any feelings that you want to have.

g) Accept that people may accept or decline your invitations for any reason.

h) Be a courteous guest and/or a cordial hostess regardless of anyone else's behaviour, unless it crosses a genuine boundary.

i) Don't allow yourself to build up expectations for anyone -- even if they are perfectly reasonable expectations.

j) Give your children Grandma's phone number, teach them to dial, and step out of the loop (unless you think she might be unkind or inappropriate).

 

Boundaries are your friends.

[gardenmom5]

I'm thinking we should just let this topic rest with the IL's unless they bring it up.

 

yeah - sometimes it's best to just drop it. :grouphug:

[gardenmom5]

 

j) Give your children Grandma's phone number, teach them to dial, and step out of the loop (unless you think she might be unkind or inappropriate).

 

Boundaries are your friends.

 

A friend lives only a few blocks from her mil. her children knew how to dial the phone. they asked mom if they could "call grandma". She was quite startled to hear "grandma, mom says we can come over." :lol:

 

(this is a grandma who lives for her grandchildren and spoils all of them.)

[SJ.]

Originally Posted by SJ.

I'm thinking we should just let this topic rest with the IL's unless they bring it up.

 

yeah - sometimes it's best to just drop it. :grouphug:

 

What the heck is that!?!?!?!? Your post made me realize I killed a kitten. Oh the horror! :svengo: I think I will wear black tomorrow. :crying: It is such a shame, I have always loved little kitties. :crying:

[besroma]

Then again I'm thinking we should just let this topic rest with the IL's unless they bring it up.

 

Sounds like a good idea!

 

Sorry you are dealing with all of this.