My Housing Saga Continues

[A.Balaban]

I really want a house. I mean, I am paying $$$ money every month and it goes into the toilet. This apartment doesn't work for our needs, and we can't find an apartment in our area that does what we need without breaking the bank. I am talking basics, like 2-3 bedroom, 1 bath with some parking and a small yard-area. The problem is that 1.) Our apartment is considered "large-ish" and we don't want to go *down* in square footage. We have a large entry-way, kitchen, and bathroom, and moving into a smaller apartment we would certainly have issues. We have issues with the amount of space in this apartment, so that's not an option. I say that with a grin since we have under 600 square feet.

 

Anyway, my dad recently came into some money, and he's offering to help me out, so I'm looking at my options in the area. For the purposes of this discussion, I'm assuming I'm staying with my DH.

 

House #1-

We found a house about 25 minutes away from where we live, it's $45,000 sold "as-is" and has major issues. It would need either a cash transaction or a 203(k) mortgage. Off the bat, I can say (without being inside) it needs a furnace/ac, electric work (nature/extent unknown), the 2-car garage needs to be fixed (needs 2 garage doors, 1 external door, and new drywall/insulation as well as minor roof work), house needs new gutters/soffitts, yard needs to be leveled, new grass, and some serious landscape work. From the pictures, the interior looks clean and well-kept. Kitchen would need to be redone, I'm tentatively considering taking out the wall dividing the LR/Kitchen and opening it up to create a larger space for LR/Dining/Kitchen. (right now the kitchen is a very long rectangle, I'm a square person. LOL) Other things include, new paint, new carpet, etc. Bathrooms need to be redone, but they appear to be useable.

 

It'd be a big project, but the house is affordable enough we (my dad) could do a 15-year mortgage and besides the "emergent issues" like the furnace/ac, electric, and garage, the other things could be done slowly and over time. Basically the plan would give us a set amount of money to spend each month on repairs, and we could use that money to renovate, or pay off the "mortgage" early.

 

Now for the positives: It's on 3/4 an acre, wide open space. It's not on a main road (we currently live in the center of town, on a main road. There are trucks driving by 24/7). It's in the country, but they are no trees. We could put a garden, playset, and pool in. (I have an above ground pool in storage....) and still have leftover lawn to mow. ;-) 2 car garage, and it's such a cute and charming house. The big drawback is that it only has 2 bedrooms (the listing online says that the third bedroom was converted into a bath- that must be one big bathroom!!!)

 

House #2-

 

I found a different house, in the town we live in now, it has 3 bedrooms, costs 10k more, and needs MAJOR work. The entire downstairs has to be ripped out and put back together- that's the easiest way to say it. It has 500 square feet more than the house above, including an attached "dance hall" (i think they refer to it as a living room....)seriously the room must be like 20x24 or larger. It's painted bright yellow, so I call it the dance hall. The bedrooms are much larger than the first house. BUT, the house is on about 0.3 an acre. My DH drove by it and he said the houses are basically "on top" of each other. My concern is that with the extra cost, plus the extra cost of renovations it will easily be out of our budget very quickly. But then the added space bonus creeps into my head.

 

The other nice thing about both homes is I would be able to have a homeschool room. The nice thing about house #2 is that it has a separate office, so we could have both an office AND a homeschool room.

 

And then I found a house at the very top of the budget, actually it exceeds it a bit. The house is MUCH older than the other houses I've looked at, but already renovated. It has 3 beds, 1 bath. It's on a main street, but it has a fenced in back yard, and off-street parking.Taxes are a bit more expensive on this house as well. This one appears basically "move in" ready. The big issue with this house is that its on about 1/10 of an acre, so it means that we could probably put in a small garden, and a playset OR a the pool. The pool I bought still might not fit. The other bad news, you park at the rear of the property, and have to walk through the yard to get to the house. House #1 has a driveway. Not sure where parking/entry is in relation to house #2, but it looks pretty close.

 

*IF* you had to choose one, which would you choose and why:

 

1.) The "as-is" with 2 bedrooms, huge finished daylight basement, in quiet country setting on 3/4 acre for $45,000. It's located within 10 min to a "major" highway, so getting places would be convenient, but it would require more travel. For reference, located about 25 min from current residence.

 

2.) The "as-is" with 3 bedrooms, and a massive bright yellow dance hall. Needs extensive work, and costs $55,000. It's on a 0.3 an acre, but located close to shopping/groceries/etc. Located about 10 minutes away from current residence.

 

3.) The already reno'd house that costs $65,000, located on a main street in a quiet (but main thoroughfare) borough. About 10 minutes from where I live now, and still close to shopping/groceries/etc. Located on about 0.10 of an acre. This house was built in 1890, and it's actually 10 years younger than the house we live in now.

 

Totally on that HGTV first time buying show. Would you go with the cheapest option, the middle option (since it has the most space) or the most expensive option since it (apparently) needs the least amount of work?? :D

[Julie in CA]

For the purposes of this discussion, I'm assuming I'm staying with my DH.

 

I'd love to advise, since I love just thinking about housing options, but..I'm not able to get past your situation. :grouphug:

 

No way in the world, and under no circumstances would I even consider going into buying a house unless I thought a relationship was stable.

[Jeannie in NJ]

If it was me, I would go with house # 1. It appears that the amount of work to be done with both house 1 and 2 are about the same ?. If that is true, I would go with house 1 because

 

1. it has more yard

1. it is quiet

3. it has a finished basement, that would be very important to me. You could later on make a bedroom in the basement if needed.

 

I would not even consider house #3, as yard space is important to me. My current house is 1/8 acre and it is tiny to me, I can't want to sell and get more yard (we also will be having an aboveground pool). NO way one would fit in my tiny yard that I have now

[fraidycat]

I'd love to advise, since I love just thinking about housing options, but..I'm not able to get past your situation. :grouphug:

 

No way in the world, and under no circumstances would I even consider going into buying a house unless I thought a relationship was stable.

 

:iagree: Are any of these affordable without him in the picture? Assuming worst case scenario: if you do end up splitting and he becomes a deadbeat who won't pay CS?

[A.Balaban]

:iagree: Are any of these affordable without him in the picture? Assuming worst case scenario: if you do end up splitting and he becomes a deadbeat who won't pay CS?

 

That's the beauty of it. Since my father would own the house, we would be paying the mortgage to him- we'd essentially be renters. So, if we split it's not a matter of losing the house... ykwim?

 

The other nice part is that ALL of the houses are "affordable" in our current budget. With my current plan in progress, the houses would be affordable once I am able to start work, and get child support. My DD also gets SSI. He has been through the "dead beat" road with my DS's BD, so I know I don't have to worry about that with him. We've actually talked about it, and he agrees with me that taking care of our DD is more important than any feud we would be having.

[3browneyedboys4me]

I just have to say that if you are having a difficult time with you dh then, a house project might only make this situation all the more difficult. It's a lot of stress and work and I just think that's a LOT to put on a marriage that is already hurting. I know that's probably not what you want to hear, but I just can't imagine tackling those types of issues under your circumstances. I would definitely try to do it on my OWN...especially since it's YOUR dad helping. :D

[Harriet Vane]

I'd love to advise, since I love just thinking about housing options, but..I'm not able to get past your situation. :grouphug:

 

No way in the world, and under no circumstances would I even consider going into buying a house unless I thought a relationship was stable.

 

:iagree:

[elegantlion]

Who is going to do the reno work? Dh and I bought a cheap as-is place and dh spent several weeks getting it into move in condition. He's a carpenter and it wore him out, plus he had to work regular jobs, yada, yada, yada.

 

Nothing like renovations to put stress in a marriage as well, so keep that in mind. ;)

 

I'll add more, but #1 would be my gut choice.

[itsheresomewhere]

I mean this with respect but STOP buying any house until you figure out what your doing with your marriage. If you divorce, you will have to buy out your DH's share of it. What training do you have for work? What is the job market in your area? Think about those things first. You could easily be looking for a job for 18 months.

 

BTW- never count on child support as your income. What happens when he stops paying and until the courts do something about it?

Edited April 12, 2012 by itsheresomewhere

[eternalknot]

We had five acres, with a house/yard on the one acre that butted up against the back forty of the base we were stationed at. DH would spend one day each weekend taking care of that one acre. And when he deployed, the yard didn't deploy with him - it still needed mowing. The pool still needed skimming. The garden still needed attention. As if I wasn't doing enough inside the house, plus raising our kids, and also working full-time outside of the home. I grew to resent the yard I had to have, to hate the pool I used to love, and to ignore the garden my husband time-stakingly tended.

 

Thinking beyond the financial aspects of the home, my concern would be more of the MAINTENANCE of it. Whether he's there, or gone, some things can't be neglected or ignored. Well, they can, but ... shouldn't be. It's better to compromise on the front-end, and to decide that "this is where I am today, and though it's not ideal it'll work for now." To that end, I'd pick house three. If your marriage dissolves, you seem more confident in your financial matters than the kind of time/energy/resources you'll be able to put into a home. I'd pick with that in mind; down the road you can trade up for the bigger yard and pool.

[Scuff]

Is there room in house #1s basement to add a bedroom? If yes, go with that. If no, 2 brs will not work. You have a boy and a girl. Eventually they are going to need separate rooms. You need a 3 br house.

 

I would not want the small yard in either of the other 2 options. So, I'd probably just wait and see what else comes up. Don't be in too much of a hurry and settle for something that isn't going to work in the long run.

[Scuff]

I'd love to advise, since I love just thinking about housing options, but..I'm not able to get past your situation. :grouphug:

 

No way in the world, and under no circumstances would I even consider going into buying a house unless I thought a relationship was stable.

 

 

:iagree: with this, too. If your dad helps you now, and you divorce, half the house will be dh's. If you wait until after a divorce, dad will be helping you and your children. I'd wait a year and see what happens and if this relationship is salvagable.

[Catwoman]

If I had to choose between the 3 options, I would go with the one that cost more but was already renovated. There's no way you could renovate options 1 or 2 without spending more than the $10-20,000 extra you'd pay for option 3.

 

But... don't do it now. Really. Wait and see what's going on with your dh. Do NOT let your father buy a house for you and your dh to rent until you know what's going on with your marriage. It's a very, very bad idea. There will always be houses available when you've made a final decision about whether or not you're going to stay in the marriage, and if you've locked into a permanent location, your options will be very limited. What if you find a job that's 2 hours away? Your father will be stuck with a house he doesn't need or want.

 

I know I sound very discouraging, and I don't mean to be that way, but I just keep seeing you looking for something positive and happy to happen in your life, and what's more exciting than a new house, right? I absolutely understand why you would be trying to find something to feel good about.

 

But if you're moving to the new house with a dh who may or may not be running around doing who-knows-what, or who may be addicted to p*rn, that's not going to end well.

 

My best advice to you is to take things one step at a time. Figure out what's up with your dh, and then make your decision about where you want to live. You haven't fallen in love with any of the houses you mentioned, so you're not losing anything by waiting. If anything, prices will probably be lower in a few months if you want to start looking again (and those same 3 houses will probably still be for sale.)

 

I truly hope your dh isn't doing any of the things he has done in the past, and that the web page you discovered was a one-time aberration and not a pattern, but you really need to know for sure, or you'll never have peace of mind.

 

I wish I had happier advice for you. :grouphug:

[A.Balaban]

The house would be owned by my father.

 

The work would be done by my father, my husband, his father, his uncles (one owns a construction company, the other is a landlord and does contracting work), and my husband's close friend who is an electrician (especially for house #1). The initial work would require serious involvement in time, which would be difficult to fit in around his current work schedule in both house #1, and house #2. His father is currently unemployed, so he would be able to stay with us to complete the work if he wanted. His brother would be available over the summer. My father is currently employed, so I don't know how much he could be involved.

 

Dealing with the outside space would be an extra chore. House #1 would require a privacy fence, in addition to the extensive yard work to make it appealing. The garden is necessary, so I will just have to adjust to the work needed. :)

 

I think house #1 has sold, and we're not comfortable enough with house #3 to go for that because of the yard situation. So, we're going to look at house #2, and find out for certain if house #1 is under contract. If it's not, then we'll go look at that one. I need to get a feel for the inside of the house/layout. My DH said that #2 was in a "kinda iffy" neighborhood (think white trashy) which is NOT a place I want to be in with two small kids. I want unobtrusive neighbors, which is asking a lot.:lol:

 

Looks like we'll be out of luck this time around, but at least I think I know what I want.

[Moxie]

Buying a house is NOT your priority right now. It is fun to think about but you have bigger issues to deal with FIRST!! Your kids deserve better.

[Catwoman]

The work would be done by my father, my husband, his father, his uncles (one owns a construction company, the other is a landlord and does contracting work), and my husband's close friend who is an electrician (especially for house #1). The initial work would require serious involvement in time, which would be difficult to fit in around his current work schedule in both house #1, and house #2. His father is currently unemployed, so he would be able to stay with us to complete the work if he wanted. His brother would be available over the summer.

 

I have to say that I am further convinced that you should wait to buy anything, because I think it would be incredibly unfair to ask your dh's father and uncles to do work on a house when your dh may or may not even be living there very soon. They would be doing this because they would be trusting that your father would rent it to you and your dh at a very reasonable price, and that you would be living there as a family for years to come, and I think it would be highly unethical to accept their help until you're sure you and your dh will remain married.

[Briartell]

Renovating a house is incredibly hard on a relationship. Do not do it with a struggling marriage. If you have to pick a house, go with the one with no work.

 

Also, a house will not make life so much better that it can cure or make up for an addiction. I am not saying that is what is happening here, but I felt it needed to be said.

[justamouse]

I wouldn't put the stress of buying a house on a strained marriage.

[A.Balaban]

We haven't spoken with DH's family, so this is all just theory at this point. I don't think it's any of their business. Like I mentioned before, I'm not planning on leaving him for quite some time, if at all. We're pursuing counseling and trying to make it work. All we can do is hope for the best.

 

What we can't make work is the living situation. Our apartment causes stress on our relationship. A renovation, while stressful, may help my DH feel like he is actually WORKING towards something... Something he is DOING to help the family and kids and may help dispel whatever black clouds may be hovering over his head.

 

Like I said, we've been looking for a rental for two years. I haven't even been able to find a 2bedroom, with a yard, and off-street parking in our price range. I'm only asking for ONE off-street parking space, and a tiny bit of yard, hopefully fenced in.... but I haven't found anything. We need to get out of here, and renting isn't an option because we'd have to go up in rent about $300 to get half of what we want.

 

That is why I am so persistent on buying. If there is a better alternative that we can afford, why should we stay in a situation that we can't handle and only makes us more stressed? I just don't understand how that is helpful for the relationship.

[Catwoman]

Like I mentioned before, I'm not planning on leaving him for quite some time, if at all. We're pursuing counseling and trying to make it work.

 

I'm sorry. I guess I misunderstood you, or am remembering incorrectly. I had been thinking that your dh adamantly refused to go to counseling, and that you wanted to buy the mobile home because you were getting ready to leave him in a hurry because of his addiction to p*rn and possible other issues. :confused::confused::confused:

 

This is getting confusing.

Edited April 12, 2012 by Catwoman

[tex-mex]

I'd love to advise, since I love just thinking about housing options, but..I'm not able to get past your situation. :grouphug:

 

No way in the world, and under no circumstances would I even consider going into buying a house unless I thought a relationship was stable.

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

[melissad2]

IDK....I've built a house before and it was no cake walk. Lots and lots of stress on a marriage. If something happens to your marriage are you still going to be able to pay your dad? I wouldn't want to add stress to my relationship with my father.

 

If I was in your shoes I would fix my marriage first before making any life altering decisions. All this buying a house stuff sounds like a distraction from the real matter at hand.

[tex-mex]

I'm sorry. I guess I misunderstood you, or am remembering incorrectly. I had been thinking that your dh adamantly refused to go to counseling, and that you wanted to buy the mobile home because you were getting ready to leave him in a hurry because of his addiction to p*rn and possible other issues. :confused::confused::confused:

 

This is getting confusing.

:iagree:

[eternalknot]

 

Like I said, we've been looking for a rental for two years. I haven't even been able to find a 2bedroom, with a yard, and off-street parking in our price range. I'm only asking for ONE off-street parking space, and a tiny bit of yard, hopefully fenced in.... but I haven't found anything. We need to get out of here, and renting isn't an option because we'd have to go up in rent about $300 to get half of what we want.

 

That is why I am so persistent on buying. If there is a better alternative that we can afford, why should we stay in a situation that we can't handle and only makes us more stressed? I just don't understand how that is helpful for the relationship.

 

It's stressful to live in a home you've outgrown. I had to early in my marriage, and I felt like a caged chicken. And I behaved accordingly, I'm not proud to say. I mentioned Maslow's hierarchy on another thread today, but it's appropriate here as well. It's also stressful trying to live with a man who feels he isn't living up to those unwritten, self-inferred Standards of Man-dom. Standards that can seem ridiculous or unnessary to us will be hills upon which they choose to martyr themselves. It's a very real problem. I didn't realize that for too long, but you already seem ahead of the game. He's fortunate.

 

All that to say :grouphug: I remember those days.

 

Home ownership is expensive and stressful, even outside of renovations. Technically this will be your dad's home, but you're buying under the pretense that you won't leave him high and dry (I assume LOL). When something breaks, suddenly there's no landlord to call. It's all on you. And heaven knows, when it rains it pours - you know going into these homes that you'll have work to do. You've done due diligence in terms of product (what you're buying) and you're prepared for that; that's smart.

 

Now do some more due diligence in terms of motivation. Your motivation is not just physical (need for space) or financial (costs same to rent or own); it's also emotional (the need to eliminate stress). Make sure that you've given thorough, careful consideration to that aspect of buying a home. Yes, it's important -as a caged chicken- to transfer to bigger digs; but it's also important to consider what impact that transfer will cause.

 

What felt overwhelming in a crowded home becomes suffocating when hit with repairs beyond one's initial assessment (and budget). What felt like the need for more space becomes a time suck to keep up. What felt like a relative helping out becomes a relative "over-stepping boundaries" when differences in expectations arise. These are things to consider. When you evaluate your motivation for buying a home, do your due diligence.

 

I'm not suggesting anything other than you carefully consider -and truly weigh- all of your options before jumping in to change. It's like job hunting. So many people place too much weight/emphasis on the salary, and ignore the benefits package. The right job might have a lower salary but better benefits; the right choice may cost more for less in terms of product, but offer better (emotional/relationship) benefits for the time being.

 

I recognize the same air of naive optimism I've long been accused of sharing :) but I do hope you'll take to heart each post to this thread. Sometimes optimism is all we have, and that's okay. Good, even. It's just not the full picture, and annoying as they can be - it's our realist friends who do us better to remind us of that.

 

Good luck, however things work out.

[hana]

I have to say that I am further convinced that you should wait to buy anything, because I think it would be incredibly unfair to ask your dh's father and uncles to do work on a house when your dh may or may not even be living there very soon. They would be doing this because they would be trusting that your father would rent it to you and your dh at a very reasonable price, and that you would be living there as a family for years to come, and I think it would be highly unethical to accept their help until you're sure you and your dh will remain married.

 

 

:iagree: This, along with the high possibility of marital stress caused by renovation. Said gently: It seems like you're distracting from the concern you actually need to be focusing on (or at least that you felt was most important to bring here first).

[elegantlion]

I'm sorry. I guess I misunderstood you, or am remembering incorrectly. I had been thinking that your dh adamantly refused to go to counseling, and that you wanted to buy the mobile home because you were getting ready to leave him in a hurry because of his addiction to p*rn and possible other issues. :confused::confused::confused:

 

This is getting confusing.

 

:iagree:

 

I know you from the Internet, so take that for what it's worth. BUT...I think(<--which means this is my opinion, also worth what you paid ;)) you need to stop and take a deep breath. Is there anyway you can get a weekend away, just you? A physical move may help your stress, but it's going to CREATE a lot more in the interim. There is no guarantee you will be happy or content with a move. From what you've posted about your marriage it's not good. If we were sitting face-to-face I would suggest you are grasping at new/good things while your marriage seems to falling apart. It's natural. I had a bad first marriage, I shopped, we divorced. I ended up with Credit card debt and a broken heart (cue the country song....) Buying stuff does not make you feel better. Moving will not make you feel better. It may distract you for a while from the real issues in your marriage, but it won't make them go away.

 

Home ownership is a big step. It's a pain on so many levels. It's not easy to get out of. If your dad can own the house and you rent it, that's better. However, it's still not fair to consider that others will pitch in to fix up a house. It's hard work. My parents helped with our house, they paid for much of the supplies, dh did the work. Dh had been out of work for a while when we moved (many reasons - mostly to be closer to my parents). It took weeks of full time effort and we still have things to get done. It created a lot of stress on all of us.

 

It's fun to look at houses and there is no harm in that really. I'm very content with my house, but I still look. But as a hobby, not as option to jump on the first great deal.

 

Again if we face-to-face I would advise you to wait until this frenzied feeling of I need to do something NOW passes. I get those feelings, lately when trying to decide on curriculum. I know when I have that feeling something is happening, but what I'm considering is not the right option. It's as if I'm getting the message to wait. Usually something comes along that makes me go AH! that's why, happened just this week.

 

:grouphug::grouphug: Living in tight quarters can make people stressed, but a change of location does not eliminate that if there are other issues.

[DawnM]

This is a misnomer.

 

You are NOT throwing it down the toilet, you are paying for a place to LIVE!

 

How much more will your mortgage be? How much of your payment will be INTEREST, which actually IS throwing it down the toilet as you see none of that back unless the housing market bubbles again, which you should not count on by any means.

 

In fact, look at all the people who are still paying huge sums of $$ to interest every month AND they owe more than their house is worth.

 

I am joining with those who say not to even attempt this right now.

 

I assume your father knows that your relationship is such that he very well could be paying on this house by himself for the next 30 years? I also am assuming your father knows he will be on the hook for all the repairs and work on the house? I suppose if he fully supports that you could go for it, but the entire venture sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.

 

I really want a house. I mean, I am paying $$$ money every month and it goes into the toilet.

[StephanieZ]

I think that when money is VERY tight, it is a bad idea to jump into home ownership.

 

As others have pointed out, if you have bad luck, sometimes you end up owing more than what the property is worth. Real estate does NOT always go up in value. I have been very lucky with RE, but I know plenty of people who were unlucky and have lost $$ each time they've bought a house. They would have been much better off financially just renting.

 

Also, as has been pointed out, repairs and maintenance are an issue. If your roof or HVAC or other major element goes bad in a year or two, you can immediately face a $5000-$10000 bill in order to have a livable home. Also, the situation can be such that NOT paying the huge bill could immediately result in the home being essentially trashed and valueless. (You can't just let a leaking roof leak, or allow your home to be without heat all winter!) If your monthly budget is so tight and you are without emergency reserves, you will soon enough find yourself in the position of choosing between allowing your home to fall apart and become unlivable . . . or what? Where would the $$ come from? When you own your home, you must set aside significant funds regularly to handle maintenace and repairs. I'd estimate a MINIMUM of $100/mo for routine care (occasional broken fixture, window pane, HW heater, appliance replacement, etc) and another $100-$200/mo over the long term for major elements (roof, paint, HVAC, etc) that will need periodic replacement/repair.

 

It's always smart to avoid major life decisions when under major stress.

[Scarlett]

I'd love to advise, since I love just thinking about housing options, but..I'm not able to get past your situation. :grouphug:

 

No way in the world, and under no circumstances would I even consider going into buying a house unless I thought a relationship was stable.

 

:iagree:

[Princess Peach]

I think that when money is VERY tight, it is a bad idea to jump into home ownership.

 

As others have pointed out, if you have bad luck, sometimes you end up owing more than what the property is worth. Real estate does NOT always go up in value. I have been very lucky with RE, but I know plenty of people who were unlucky and have lost $$ each time they've bought a house. They would have been much better off financially just renting.

 

Also, as has been pointed out, repairs and maintenance are an issue. If your roof or HVAC or other major element goes bad in a year or two, you can immediately face a $5000-$10000 bill in order to have a livable home. Also, the situation can be such that NOT paying the huge bill could immediately result in the home being essentially trashed and valueless. (You can't just let a leaking roof leak, or allow your home to be without heat all winter!) If your monthly budget is so tight and you are without emergency reserves, you will soon enough find yourself in the position of choosing between allowing your home to fall apart and become unlivable . . . or what? Where would the $$ come from? When you own your home, you must set aside significant funds regularly to handle maintenace and repairs. I'd estimate a MINIMUM of $100/mo for routine care (occasional broken fixture, window pane, HW heater, appliance replacement, etc) and another $100-$200/mo over the long term for major elements (roof, paint, HVAC, etc) that will need periodic replacement/repair.

 

It's always smart to avoid major life decisions when under major stress.

 

:iagree: a thousand times over. Don't do it.

This is a misnomer.

 

You are NOT throwing it down the toilet, you are paying for a place to LIVE!

 

How much more will your mortgage be? How much of your payment will be INTEREST, which actually IS throwing it down the toilet as you see none of that back unless the housing market bubbles again, which you should not count on by any means.

:iagree: And property taxes. And insurance (of various kinds). And all the weird contingencies you don't need to worry about paying for when you are renting. (i.e. termites, bad plumbing, leaky roofs, etc. etc. etc.)

[houseofkids&pets]

I think that you have been given a lot of good advice from previous posters. Since there are already financial issues, you really need to be aware of all of the costs of home ownership, which again, many posters mentioned. It is never ending. Something always needs a repair, an update, etc. We live in a nice home, but I tell dh I would gladly sell and go rent so someone else can be responsible for maintenance.

 

My biggest concern for you is really not the purchase of the home and the work that will go in to fixing it up. It is the fact that a change of scenery is not going to change the issues within the marriage. Perhaps the stress of living in your current situation will be gone for your dh, but there will be other issues that will take the place of those. For the sake of your children and youself, you need to take a step back and really look at what your future holds. Is this the life you want for you and your dc? If it is, ok. Everyone is different in terms of what is a deal breaker (p*rn addiction and lack of trust are not things I would tolerate, but that is just me). Can your husband change? Does he really want to? Some people shape up and "change" for a short time, but there are just those leopards who cannot change their spots, IYKWIM.

 

You are in a tough spot. It is easy for all of us to tell you to just leave, but you don't have a job outside the home for money and you have small children. Sometimes, it becomes easier to live in a bad situation rather than break free and face the unknown. I would be worried if I were in your position about where I would go and what I would do. It s*cks. I pray that you do have a strong support network (family, friends) that you can turn to if you need them. I wish you the best and hope that you stop and really think about where you are right now at this fork in the road and choose the best path for both you and dc. The best path may not be the easiest.:grouphug::grouphug:

[Mergath]

This is a misnomer.

 

You are NOT throwing it down the toilet, you are paying for a place to LIVE!

 

How much more will your mortgage be? How much of your payment will be INTEREST, which actually IS throwing it down the toilet as you see none of that back unless the housing market bubbles again, which you should not count on by any means.

 

In fact, look at all the people who are still paying huge sums of $$ to interest every month AND they owe more than their house is worth.

 

I am joining with those who say not to even attempt this right now.

 

I assume your father knows that your relationship is such that he very well could be paying on this house by himself for the next 30 years? I also am assuming your father knows he will be on the hook for all the repairs and work on the house? I suppose if he fully supports that you could go for it, but the entire venture sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.

 

:iagree: You might not be building equity or whatever when you rent, but when you own a home, there is the potential to lose a LOT more money. And you can't really budget for property taxes ten years down the road. I know that, here, they've raised the property taxes so much that some people can't even afford their homes anymore. If your situation is already unstable, don't add more instability by buying a house. With renting, at least, it's much easier to plan ahead.

[KungFuPanda]

It sounds like you are trading one set of headaches for another. When the novelty wears off you could be left feeling more frustrated and in worse financial position. In the last year, I've had a tree fall on my house requiring two bathrooms to be rebuilt (insurance never covers every little thing), my hot water heater died, and my washing machine died. That's ONE year.

[Catwoman]

In the last year, I've had a tree fall on my house requiring two bathrooms to be rebuilt (insurance never covers every little thing), my hot water heater died, and my washing machine died. That's ONE year.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

I hope you start having better luck soon -- one expensive repair is bad enough, but when they seem to keep multiplying, it can be incredibly depressing, because you keep wondering what is going to happen next.

[KungFuPanda]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

I hope you start having better luck soon -- one expensive repair is bad enough, but when they seem to keep multiplying, it can be incredibly depressing, because you keep wondering what is going to happen next.

 

You're so sweet :) I didn't mean to start a KungFuPanda pity party. I just wanted to point out that NONE of these expenses would have been my problem if I were renting.

 

When your budget is stretched, you see all of these mishaps as surprises that come about to sink you. However, non of these things are unusual at all. It just happens in the normal course of home ownership. There ARE advantages to renting that handy, happy-to-do-yardwork types will never own up to. Just read the home selling thread. Having the agility to move when you need or want to is a huge quality of life issue. So, no, I don't believe that home ownership is always better for everyone at every stage of life.

Edited April 13, 2012 by KungFuPanda

[meggie]

As a fellow renter I feel your pain :grouphug:.

 

Yet there are positive aspects to renting as other people have pointed out. Try to focus on these instead of all the negatives. A house you can't afford is not a blessing and will not save your marriage. You would be trading one set of stress for another. You said your husband MIGHT enjoy all the handyman work and feel like he was working towards something. But until he's actually in that situation, you don't know what he really will feel. He MIGHT end up hating it, feeling completely overwhelmed and resent you (whether it's justified or not) for getting him into that mess.

 

Please do not let your dad do this deal for you, unless you are completely desperate. Mixing finances with family is a risky business that often ends up with hurt feelings from at least one party.

[Catwoman]

You're so sweet :) I didn't mean to start a KungFuPanda pity party.

 

Try saying "KungFuPanda Pity Party" three times fast.

 

It's not as easy as you might think. :D

 

No. Really. Try it. I'm not kidding. :001_smile:

[TranquilMind]

I mean this with respect but STOP buying any house until you figure out what your doing with your marriage. If you divorce, you will have to buy out your DH's share of it. What training do you have for work? What is the job market in your area? Think about those things first. You could easily be looking for a job for 18 months.

 

BTW- never count on child support as your income. What happens when he stops paying and until the courts do something about it?

This. Spouse is not just going to walk away if his name is on the deed and mortgage. Decide what you are doing OR your father should just buy it outright in his name.

[eternalknot]

Try saying "KungFuPanda Pity Party" three times fast.

 

It's not as easy as you might think. :D

 

No. Really. Try it. I'm not kidding. :001_smile:

 

 

Ok, I admit it - I tried. It made me laugh so hard my eyes teared up.

 

Then the kids wanted to know what I was saying, so now they're running around shouting it as well. Thankyouverymuch, Cat! :D

[WishboneDawn]

I don't think all of this personal information should be on the internet right now. There's too much that's too personal. It could easily be seen as a betrayal of a relationship if found by the wrong person.

 

The housing discussion is one you should be having with your husband right now, not us. None of us know the details of your life that would let us advise you properly.

Edited April 13, 2012 by WishboneDawn

[Catwoman]

It could easily be seen as a betrayal of a relationship if found by the wrong person.

 

 

If nothing else, I hope she is signing out of the WTM forums when she gets off of the computer. She has been posting things that she definitely does not want her dh to see.

[A.Balaban]

So, we are going to look at House #2 this week, but it's just to look. We actually found another snag in this property that we need to deal with. It turns out that the property has NO Driveway. The previous owner (at some point) built a garage and driveway on the neighbors property. Not sure how accurate the mapping data is online, but assuming it is accurate then the driveway and property line clearly cut into the neighbors property. The neighbors property (it appears) has no house on it, and I can't find any data on the property except for the date of the last sale (1994). It has a separate address, though, which I searched, and again, found no information.

 

The property on the other side of this land has a separate address and separate owner, and the property on the other side of the land that we are looking at has a separate owner as well. So, the garage and driveway encroaches on a property that has no house on it?! :glare:

 

I don't know. I mean, I've read a bit online (but not anythng about PA law or talked to an attorney) but of course, I'd want to get this dealt with. The issue is though... if I agree to tear down the garage, how do I build a new one?! I'd have to have a driveway snake right along side the edge of the house to the back yard to get a garage in. I have read that depending on the age of the building it might be possible to get it annexed to the property (I think if it is over 20 years old) and gain ownership. I don't know. This property is on 1/3 of an acre. IF we have to build a new garage in the backyard it will take up a lot of space, and might not be worth it. Or we have to put a parking area in the front of the house.

 

I'm gonna have to walk the property to get a feel for it, but I just wanted some input first.

[black_midori]

 

Thinking beyond the financial aspects of the home, my concern would be more of the MAINTENANCE of it. Whether he's there, or gone, some things can't be neglected or ignored. Well, they can, but ... shouldn't be. It's better to compromise on the front-end, and to decide that "this is where I am today, and though it's not ideal it'll work for now." To that end, I'd pick house three. If your marriage dissolves, you seem more confident in your financial matters than the kind of time/energy/resources you'll be able to put into a home. I'd pick with that in mind; down the road you can trade up for the bigger yard and pool.

 

:iagree: I agree, except... I wouldn't be buying a house that you don't plan to keep indefinitely and fix up as your "nest". I'd just rent until I could afford to buy.

 

If your Dad wants to buy & is willing to rent to you, and it isn't your "place I want to be in forever", then I would go with small, inexpensive, less work to do inside, less yard to take care of outside. None of the ones you describe seem to match that description...

[5kidsforME]

So, we are going to look at House #2 this week, but it's just to look. We actually found another snag in this property that we need to deal with. It turns out that the property has NO Driveway. The previous owner (at some point) built a garage and driveway on the neighbors property. Not sure how accurate the mapping data is online, but assuming it is accurate then the driveway and property line clearly cut into the neighbors property. The neighbors property (it appears) has no house on it, and I can't find any data on the property except for the date of the last sale (1994). It has a separate address, though, which I searched, and again, found no information.

 

The property on the other side of this land has a separate address and separate owner, and the property on the other side of the land that we are looking at has a separate owner as well. So, the garage and driveway encroaches on a property that has no house on it?! :glare:

 

I don't know. I mean, I've read a bit online (but not anythng about PA law or talked to an attorney) but of course, I'd want to get this dealt with. The issue is though... if I agree to tear down the garage, how do I build a new one?! I'd have to have a driveway snake right along side the edge of the house to the back yard to get a garage in. I have read that depending on the age of the building it might be possible to get it annexed to the property (I think if it is over 20 years old) and gain ownership. I don't know. This property is on 1/3 of an acre. IF we have to build a new garage in the backyard it will take up a lot of space, and might not be worth it. Or we have to put a parking area in the front of the house.

 

I'm gonna have to walk the property to get a feel for it, but I just wanted some input first.

 

 

:001_huh: With everything all of these women have said, I really think you want a JAWM.

 

This should really be the last thing you are focusing on.

[Harriet Vane]

:001_huh: With everything all of these women have said, I really think you want a JAWM.

 

This should really be the last thing you are focusing on.

 

:iagree: