Mom Issue, WWYD?

[Impish]

Ok.

 

I've mentioned before that my mom fits NPD criteria like a glove.

 

We told her about Wolf being up for the job.

 

I haven't heard from her since. I've left 3 msgs for her, and she hasn't called back. :glare:

 

She doesn't know that Wolf's gotten the job, or that we're moving.

 

I know she's probably angry that we're not moving back to my home province, and that's likely why she's ignoring me.

 

I'm considering shooting her an email, telling her we're moving, and I'll let her know our ph# when we get it.

 

Part of me is tired of this kind of nonsense, and feels like doing nothing. She has my email, our current ph#, you'd think she'd at least be somewhat interested in what's going on in our lives, but she doesn't even bother to return calls, and she knows we were waiting to hear if Wolf got the job or not.

 

Members here have shown more interest, more support.

 

So, wwyd?

[Chris in VA]

I'd just wait it out, realizing she's probably not going to be the supportive mom you'd like. Sorry. :grouphug: It's hard to let go of what seem to be perfectly reasonable expectations of our loved ones.

[katilac]

I missed that he got the job; congrats!

 

I would send her an email confirming that you guys are moving, but I would NOT say that you'll send your new phone number when you have it, because that's putting the onus on you to keep in touch. Simply say, yay, he got the job, we will be moving soon so please use email to keep in touch for now.

 

This does two things. One, it takes away her excuse for not staying in touch (you said you'd send the new phone number, so I assumed I should wait for that . . . ) and two, it simplifies your life if she does get in touch (I think emails from difficult people are much easier than phone calls).

[Impish]

She'll throw a massive hissy when she finally does decide to call and the ph# isn't working though.

 

That's why I was considering the email.

[KS_]

I'd just wait it out, realizing she's probably not going to be the supportive mom you'd like. Sorry. :grouphug: It's hard to let go of what seem to be perfectly reasonable expectations of our loved ones.

 

I would, too. You don't need the added stress of trying to get ahold of her and worry about her reaction.

[simka2]

:grouphug: I am sorry!

[cjzimmer1]

Will your new phone number be established before the old one is turned off?

 

If so, I would just wait until that time and send an e-mail saying "hey mom we're moving, here's the new phone number".

 

If you won't have both numbers active at the same time, I'd send an e-mail a few days (3-4) before it will be turned off "Hey mom, we're moving, as of X date our old number is being turned off. If you need to get a hold of me, my e-mail is still active and I will be checking it regularly" The when you get the new phone number send her an e-mail just to let her know the new number. Obviously you will be very busy unpacking so I wouldn't worry about calling her yourself.

[*********]

Well, what you do really depends on what sort of relationship you want to have with her, right?

 

If your mom is NPD, and you want to continue a relationship with her, then you gotta play on her terms. You know that.

 

Honestly, if she's such a pill, I don't see why you'd continue a relationship with her. Unless she's a fantastic grandma or something, I see no reason to continue to allow her to dictate what you do.

 

I guess what I'm asking is, what do YOU get out of continuing a relationship with her?

 

Just my thoughts. :grouphug:

[Impish]

Well, what you do really depends on what sort of relationship you want to have with her, right?

 

If your mom is NPD, and you want to continue a relationship with her, then you gotta play on her terms. You know that.

 

Honestly, if she's such a pill, I don't see why you'd continue a relationship with her. Unless she's a fantastic grandma or something, I see no reason to continue to allow her to dictate what you do.

 

I guess what I'm asking is, what do YOU get out of continuing a relationship with her?

 

Just my thoughts. :grouphug:

I'm struggling w/that right now.

 

Part of the issue is, if I cut off contact w/her, then my Dad goes w/it. If it were just her, and her alone, I could walk away. But, there's my Dad, and she's triangulated the rest of the family so much that she's the only source of info or contact w/the rest of my family.

[AnaShoo]

I'm not sure I understand what NPD means, so maybe I'm missing something, but I have very little relationship with my own parents so I understand this situation on some level. I'm not sure if you are asking permission to just ignore her (there is so much pressure from outsiders to keep a toxic relationship going just because you are related!), or care a lot about the relationship, but I'd figure that out first.

 

If it's the former, let it go. Don't worry about her or the hissy fit she'll throw. Just make your plans and let her do whatever she's doing. Send an email to update, then leave it at that. My parents like to play games to try to get me to do what they want, and I'm done with that. I especially don't want my kids dragged into it because they will play games with them, too (like not sending a Christmas present because I did something they didn't like). So, I've never even introduced them to my boys, although occasionally I send pictures to them. I set the boundaries, not them. It's the only way to stay sane.

 

If, however, this relationship still means a lot to you, I guess you'll have to call and try to head off the hissy fit. Best of luck to you either way! Family can be the worst people to have to deal with.

[Shannon in TN]

Will your new phone number be established before the old one is turned off?

 

If so, I would just wait until that time and send an e-mail saying "hey mom we're moving, here's the new phone number".

 

If you won't have both numbers active at the same time, I'd send an e-mail a few days (3-4) before it will be turned off "Hey mom, we're moving, as of X date our old number is being turned off. If you need to get a hold of me, my e-mail is still active and I will be checking it regularly" The when you get the new phone number send her an e-mail just to let her know the new number. Obviously you will be very busy unpacking so I wouldn't worry about calling her yourself.

 

:iagree:

 

I'm struggling w/that right now.

 

Part of the issue is, if I cut off contact w/her, then my Dad goes w/it. If it were just her, and her alone, I could walk away. But, there's my Dad, and she's triangulated the rest of the family so much that she's the only source of info or contact w/the rest of my family.

 

:grouphug:

 

Here's a random thought. Does your dad have a cell phone that you can use to keep in touch with him? I'm assuming he has one, but if he doesn't, could you get one for him - like those pay as you go - or maybe add a line to your family plan and give that one to him? Or does he have email? I imagine it might tick off your mom a bit, but at least you wouldn't lose contact with your dad. Does she control the email contacts/cell phones of your other family members, too?

 

(I've only been around the forum enough to follow a little of what's going on with your family, so if this ground has already been covered, my apologies)

[*********]

I'm struggling w/that right now.

 

Part of the issue is, if I cut off contact w/her, then my Dad goes w/it. If it were just her, and her alone, I could walk away. But, there's my Dad, and she's triangulated the rest of the family so much that she's the only source of info or contact w/the rest of my family.

 

 

Well that I TOTALLY get. :grouphug:

 

My dad has informed me in the past that I cannot have a relationship with him if I do not have one with my stepmother. And having been raised by them, I know for certain that it is because my stepmom will make life miserable for him if he lets that happen. I don't get it. I would never try to prevent my stepkids from having a relationship with their dad, regardless of what my relationship with them is. Blessedly, my stepkids and I get along quite well. And I've grown into a place where I can have a sort of relationship with my stepmom, too. But I don't get how it has to be all or nothing. I don't get why people do that.

 

So in your case, you've got to weigh it all out and see what comes out as most important. While also remembering to honor your parents. It's very hard. I pray that my children never have to worry about these things. I pray as adults, they can have good, healthy relationships with both dh and I.

 

:grouphug:

[Shannon in TN]

I'm not sure I understand what NPD means, so maybe I'm missing something, but I have very little relationship with my own parents so I understand this situation on some level. I'm not sure if you are asking permission to just ignore her (there is so much pressure from outsiders to keep a toxic relationship going just because you are related!), or care a lot about the relationship, but I'd figure that out first.

 

If it's the former, let it go. Don't worry about her or the hissy fit she'll throw. Just make your plans and let her do whatever she's doing. Send an email to update, then leave it at that. My parents like to play games to try to get me to do what they want, and I'm done with that. I especially don't want my kids dragged into it because they will play games with them, too (like not sending a Christmas present because I did something they didn't like). So, I've never even introduced them to my boys, although occasionally I send pictures to them. I set the boundaries, not them. It's the only way to stay sane.

 

If, however, this relationship still means a lot to you, I guess you'll have to call and try to head off the hissy fit. Best of luck to you either way! Family can be the worst people to have to deal with.

 

I like what you said in the bolded!

[Dustybug]

She'll throw a massive hissy when she finally does decide to call and the ph# isn't working though.

 

That's why I was considering the email.

 

 

I don't know what NPD is either, but honestly, I would just let her have her hissy fit. You can't let people run your life for you and if you've reached out and she hasn't responded, then that's on HER, not you. :grouphug:

[J-rap]

I'd just wait it out, realizing she's probably not going to be the supportive mom you'd like. Sorry. :grouphug: It's hard to let go of what seem to be perfectly reasonable expectations of our loved ones.

 

I'm sorry. It's so hard to let go of how you think things ought to be (and SHOULD be!). That's great news about the job, though!

[katilac]

She'll throw a massive hissy when she finally does decide to call and the ph# isn't working though.

 

That's why I was considering the email.

 

Yes, I would tell her the old phone number would be cut off, I simply would not add "and I'll let you know the new one when we get it" b/c that is going to be her excuse for not staying in touch. Rather, just tell her to use email.

[KungFuPanda]

Ok.

 

I've mentioned before that my mom fits NPD criteria like a glove.

 

We told her about Wolf being up for the job.

 

I haven't heard from her since. I've left 3 msgs for her, and she hasn't called back. :glare:

 

She doesn't know that Wolf's gotten the job, or that we're moving.

 

I know she's probably angry that we're not moving back to my home province, and that's likely why she's ignoring me.

 

I'm considering shooting her an email, telling her we're moving, and I'll let her know our ph# when we get it.

 

Part of me is tired of this kind of nonsense, and feels like doing nothing. She has my email, our current ph#, you'd think she'd at least be somewhat interested in what's going on in our lives, but she doesn't even bother to return calls, and she knows we were waiting to hear if Wolf got the job or not.

 

Members here have shown more interest, more support.

 

So, wwyd?

 

I think you have to let go, expect the worst, and just be delightfully surprised if she's EVER pleasant. Also, don't blame her for your father's behavior. That's on HIM. He's just as capable of making and receiving a phone call as she is. I'd just deal directly with other family members and lay out, and stick by, very clear boundaries with your mother. Letting go is HARD, but you may feel a great weight lifted once you put less emotional investment into a toxic relationship.

[Tammyla]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

I think I might send a snail-mail card to your dad and mom; I'd even have the kiddos sign it.

 

I get you are trying to keep the door open esp. w/ your dad. (I think my mil has NPD and now that fil is gone, dealing with her is getting more and more difficult.) You know the drill...she ignors we exist, and gets her knickers in a knot if we exist without her. She's like a dark-rain-cloud on a good day.

 

I'm so sorry you mom isn't a nice mom, I can't imagine having my mil as my real mom. We just have to love em anyway, but it's heartbreaking some days.:grouphug:

Edited March 13, 2012 by Tammyla

[J-rap]

I'd just wait it out, realizing she's probably not going to be the supportive mom you'd like. Sorry. :grouphug: It's hard to let go of what seem to be perfectly reasonable expectations of our loved ones.

 

I'm sorry. It's so hard to let go of how you think things ought to be (and SHOULD be!). That's great news about the job, though!

[SailorMom]

First of all, don't take it personally.

That is easier said than done - but if you can separate her NPD from her as a mom - it will help. She will NOT change. You can NOT change her.

I absolutely would NOT pursue giving her any more information.

She is trying to get your attention - she likes that you are trying to reach her and that she holds the power. Never, ever do this with her.

Call once - if she doesn't answer - leave a short message and be done with it.

Or - email once and be done with it.

You can be polite, and nice, and caring, etc. - but never chase her.

:grouphug:

[Impish]

Well that I TOTALLY get. :grouphug:

 

My dad has informed me in the past that I cannot have a relationship with him if I do not have one with my stepmother. And having been raised by them, I know for certain that it is because my stepmom will make life miserable for him if he lets that happen. I don't get it. I would never try to prevent my stepkids from having a relationship with their dad, regardless of what my relationship with them is. Blessedly, my stepkids and I get along quite well. And I've grown into a place where I can have a sort of relationship with my stepmom, too. But I don't get how it has to be all or nothing. I don't get why people do that.

 

So in your case, you've got to weigh it all out and see what comes out as most important. While also remembering to honor your parents. It's very hard. I pray that my children never have to worry about these things. I pray as adults, they can have good, healthy relationships with both dh and I.

 

:grouphug:

That's just it.

 

From the time we were young (I'm talking 5 yo) my older bro and I were told that if it's ever a choice btwn us kids and them, they choose each other.

 

My Dad is technically my stepdad, but he raised me, he's my Dad...genetics don't matter.

 

Over the years, he and I have become close. I've forgiven him for my childhood (he was abusive, but he changed after I had him charged w/assault...never laid a hand on anyone ever again...he was severely abused as a kid himself, and I really believe that it was the cycle rearing it's ugly head more than him being a bad person). He's been more supportive, more interested, than my mother ever was.

 

I do know that I cannot have a relationship w/him w/out her. That's the stone cold fact.

 

I honestly don't know where I stand on honouring my parents. How do you honour someone in this situation? It's not that I hate anyone, or wish anyone ill, but...I don't know what 'honouring' would entail in this.

[*********]

I honestly don't know where I stand on honouring my parents. How do you honour someone in this situation? It's not that I hate anyone, or wish anyone ill, but...I don't know what 'honouring' would entail in this.

 

I don't always know with my parents, either. But take it to the Lord. Pray over it. Really seek what the Lord would have for you to do.

 

It's hard. :grouphug: Lord Jesus, let us not pass this burden on to our children.

[Remudamom]

Sometimes you can honor someone by refusing to put up with their $hit anymore, thus making a very clear statement that their behavior is not only harmful and hurtful to others but to themselves as well.

[Guest submarines]

Sometimes you can honor someone by refusing to put up with their $hit anymore, thus making a very clear statement that their behavior is not only harmful and hurtful to others but to themselves as well.

 

:iagree:

[Impish]

It's hard. :grouphug: Lord Jesus, let us not pass this burden on to our children.

Amen! That's my biggest fear as a parent.

Sometimes you can honor someone by refusing to put up with their $hit anymore, thus making a very clear statement that their behavior is not only harmful and hurtful to others but to themselves as well.

I've thought about doing just that...but I also know that any statements like that will provoke a huge raging hissy fit, and won't accomplish squat...which is why I'm thinking of just letting it go. No confrontation, no pointing out bad behaviour, just fading out.

 

Frankly, I'm weighing options, trying to figure out what will provoke less drama, b/c I don't need any further drama/stress than we already have.

[Remudamom]

Just letting go is good. It's still making a statement that you won't do that mess anymore. Got to be hard. Really makes me appreciate my mom. I think she would slit her own throat for us.

[elfgivas]

:grouphug:

 

we try to make decisions based on who we are, not who she (dmil) is....

 

given NPD, she'll have a hissy fit when she wants to have one, because it is about her getting what she thinks she needs, not about anything we've done.....

 

so based on who we are, we would send a group email to all relatives and include her: "dh got a new job! we're moving in less than three weeks! we'll keep the same email; our new street address is ....."

 

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

and then she'll have a hissy fit or not.... her call....

ann eta: we aren't dealing with the history of anything other than the emotional abuse though, so for me it would be a different decision.... i would have walked long ago....

Edited March 13, 2012 by elfgivas@yahoo.com

[craftymama]

I don't know what NPD is so I can't go there, but parent issues are all to familiar. If the relationship is important to you then you have to deal with her and her view of the world. I'm sorry. What you need to ask yourself is if the headache she causes is worth the happiness (or at least less stressful periods) she is taking from you. If you decide it is, again, you have to deal with her view of the world. If not, walk away. Yes, it will be sad to lose your dad also, but that is a choice he is agreeing to make by making them a package. Side note, there are a lot package deals in my family.

 

As for the honoring part, I believe someone cannot be held to that if their choice to walk away is in an effort to protect their immediate family, especially the kiddos.

[GWOB]

Sometimes you can honor someone by refusing to put up with their $hit anymore, thus making a very clear statement that their behavior is not only harmful and hurtful to others but to themselves as well.

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree: :iagree: I've shared a bit about my crazy parents. The only way I can honor them is to completely remove myself from the crazy. If I go along with their little games we will all be led into sin. If I refuse to play, I am not being hurt/ tempted and they are not allowed to lie and manipulate.

 

Amen! That's my biggest fear as a parent.

 

I've thought about doing just that...but I also know that any statements like that will provoke a huge raging hissy fit, and won't accomplish squat...which is why I'm thinking of just letting it go. No confrontation, no pointing out bad behaviour, just fading out.

 

Frankly, I'm weighing options, trying to figure out what will provoke less drama, b/c I don't need any further drama/stress than we already have.

 

Statements provoke drama. Informing them of what you are doing will provoke drama. Quietly removing yourself from the situation and doing what is best for you and your family will avoid drama.

 

:grouphug: It really stinks when our parents cannot/will not be the parents we need and want.

 

And in case I haven't told you before, CONGRATS on the new job! I was stalking your WTM profile for news and was so very excited to hear he got the job.

[bolt.]

I think you should just carry on with your life, and make a reasonable effort to 'keep in touch' on an acquaintance-like level. Reduce what you do for her sake to something approaching 'basic human courtesy' and keep it there. If she tries to get personal, or nasty, you can pull out the kind of face and voice people use in customer service when an unsatisfied person is getting emotional. Just hold on to that for all your worth, saying things like, "I can hear that you are upset. That's hard for you and I'm sorry to hear it. I have plans for this morning/afternoon/evening, and I'm going to need to go now. Goodbye mom."

 

Let go of the expectation that she should care about your life, show concern and interest or do anything in return for your basic human courtesy. This is what honouring her looks like: you can be courteous (and brief, and fake when necessary) and she can do whatever she wants... until she hits a boundary and you courteously stop being a listener to the things she wants to say.

 

It's not a relationship question (about giving and getting). It's a 'how am I going to treat the people around me' question (totally one-sided).

[Impish]

Just letting go is good. It's still making a statement that you won't do that mess anymore. Got to be hard. Really makes me appreciate my mom. I think she would slit her own throat for us.

You're very lucky. I envy you. I hope my kids feel that way about me.

 

Thanks everyone.

[Audrey]

Will your new phone number be established before the old one is turned off?

 

If so, I would just wait until that time and send an e-mail saying "hey mom we're moving, here's the new phone number".

 

If you won't have both numbers active at the same time, I'd send an e-mail a few days (3-4) before it will be turned off "Hey mom, we're moving, as of X date our old number is being turned off. If you need to get a hold of me, my e-mail is still active and I will be checking it regularly" The when you get the new phone number send her an e-mail just to let her know the new number. Obviously you will be very busy unpacking so I wouldn't worry about calling her yourself.

 

 

:iagree: with this. I would do this, IIWM. It is honest and practical, yet puts the onus on her to contact you.

[mom2samlibby]

She'll throw a massive hissy when she finally does decide to call and the ph# isn't working though.

 

That's why I was considering the email.

 

So?? Let her throw one. It sounds like she is going to throw one no matter what. You say she won't be happy that you are moving. I would say that a hissy fit is inevetiable.

 

I wouldn't send an email yet. I would wait until you are moved and settled, if even then.

[Lisbeth]

Black hole it. !!

[Lisbeth]

So?? Let her throw one. It sounds like she is going to throw one no matter what. You say she won't be happy that you are moving. I would say that a hissy fit is inevetiable.

 

I wouldn't send an email yet. I would wait until you are moved and settled, if even then.

 

This. Don't let someone's emotional instability control your behavior. Remain calm and ask her how old she is. Or stop communicating. Imagine this visual: a toddler rolling on the floor in a fit. You calmly stepping over the toddler and go about your business, ignoring the fit. That is how to approach any possible hissy fit.

Edited March 13, 2012 by Lisbeth
typo

[Alicia64]

Forgive me, but I haven't read everyone's response -- just your first original post.

 

Having dealt w/ two NPD parents all my life all I can say is, "she's ignoring you and you want to reach out to her??" I'm sorry. I don't mean to be humorous, but it took me four decades to simply. give. up.

 

I worked so hard to get my parents to recognize my positives, "see" the good in me and what a great relationship we could have blah, blah, blah. You can't have a relationship w/ NPD people. Or it's often very shallow and surface level. As I'm sure you know.

 

If she's punishing you by ingnoring you. . . I say enjoy the punishment and move on with your life.

 

And ENORMOUS congratulations on the job!!!

 

Alley