Catwoman Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 For cases like this, two gifts are appropriate and indicated: a financial planning/budgeting book (like Dave Ramsey or Suze Orman or pick someone) and/or a nice book on etiquette. :D I tend to buy "useful" gifts. I'm the chick at the baby shower with no size NB/1 diapers or layette items but a case of size 3s and a case of wipes. I don't tend to even look at the registry or at the invitation's extortion list. :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: Extortion list.... snort!!! :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dansamy Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: Extortion list.... snort!!! :lol: :tongue_smilie: Well, it kinda is. "We only want xyz and not abc." Or the mile long list that includes absolutely nothing under $100. Seriously. A registry isn't a bad thing. It's the responsibility of the hostess of the shower to convey to guests, when they RSVP and ask what the bride/mother-to-be needs/wants, where the couple/mother is registered or of any special requests. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aggie Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 Well, I guess I'll be the odd man out and say that while I would never write that myself, I TOTALLY understand the request. Truly, I would rather give people something they can use. After 25 years of marriage we finally got rid of some knives that we have never used. We received several sets of knives as wedding gifts. My parents got three sets of Pyrex bowls and they gave their extras away. When we got married, we received many cash gifts and we appreciated them as much or more than the towel sets and knives and wall hangings that didn't match or appeal to us. Ya know? I bet Dave Ramsey and Mary Hunt would be proud of this young couple! I wouldn't even care if they did use the money I gave to choose wall hangings of their choice rather than mine! College has gotten outrageously expensive. We have a son graduating this year and I know how that debt hangs over your head. Many college students live in houses by their senior year and don't need dish towels and pie pans. They would rather pay off debt than own a crystal vase or pancake grill. (Just thinking of some wedding gifts I've seen.) People say things like that on invitations for birthdays and anniversaries. Why not weddings? I personally wouldn't be offended. My first reaction was "Good for them!" While I find it tacky, and I would never do it or allow my child to do it -- I do "get" what they're doing, and I have some admiration for it. Times are very tough; and if they'd rather pay off their student loans than get lovely, decorative home items, I can't hate them for that. Completely agree! And I would love knowing they want to start off their married life out of debt. We may not be able to "not allow" our grown children to do this...will we be privy to the invitations before they're ordered? I thought wedding invitations weren't supposed to mention anything about gifts? The traditional way to find out what a couple would like is by asking one of the moms, or a close friend or relative, no? That way the wedding couple isn't involved at all, and they can let these key people know what they'd prefer without being tacky. I think it's tacky. But, I totally understand the sentiment. I would have probably not mentioned anything on the invitation about gifts. I also hate registries where everything is over the top and expensive. We basically got them a $20 spoon and said "Have a great life!" Totally doesn't feel worth it. But I have to wonder--- if they have 100 people at their wedding and each person gives them $100 (yes, that's probably an exaggeration, but we could call it an average...) that would be $10,000 in student loans! Not bad for a nights work, eh? :lol: Many weddings cost well over $10,000! I guess they could ask their parents for that money instead of a wedding. :) It is rude to mention or indicate an expectation for gifts in an invitation. Period. Because I hate to shop, I love getting a list of registries in the invitation. It saves me time and trouble. I can keep that registry information handy and shop at my convenience without having to bother someone else. Lately, registry info has been at a site where couples tell about themselves, how they met, etc. I guess I'm too lazy or busy to have to call around and find out information. :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
funschooler5 Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 I thought wedding invitations weren't supposed to mention anything about gifts? The traditional way to find out what a couple would like is by asking one of the moms, or a close friend or relative, no? That way the wedding couple isn't involved at all, and they can let these key people know what they'd prefer without being tacky. That's what I thought, too. A bride or birthday-person isn't supposed to assume she is going to receive gifts, even though everybody knows she will. The exception is a shower, but even then the requests should be tactful and not come from the honoree herself. At least...at the very least...the request in the OP did not come in the form of a dreadful poem. It is rude to mention or indicate an expectation for gifts in an invitation. Period. :iagree: I'm with Miss Manners on this one. I read her Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior before DH and I got married. A wedding invitation is not supposed to be a request for gifts, and to mention it on the invite itself is rude. To include a list of places where you're registered is also rude. So is saying "no gifts." And to request money instead of a gift--no matter what the couple is going to spend it on--is completely tacky. The wedding guest gets to decide whether or not they want to give a gift. It is *not* an obligation. I don't care how common it is nowadays. I received an invitation to a wedding last year that had one of those "money instead of gift" poems, *and* they did the awkward "guests pay to dance with the bride" deals. Talk about uncomfortable. The DJ had to keep asking people in the crowd to give money. Don't get me started on money trees. :lol: Honestly, we received some very special handmade gifts for our wedding, including a beautiful blanket we still use. We didn't register for those items, but we loved them just the same. I think it's sad to take away a guest's joy of giving a unique gift. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mom2scouts Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 I think it's very tacky and they wouldn't get anything from me. Someone posted that soon people will start selling tickets to weddings, but I think it's already done in a different way. I've heard brides talk about how they expect the guests to give a cash or gift that covers the cost of the dinner or reception for that guest. They don't think of it as providing a party for their friends and family to help them celebrate. They expect to be "repaid" in some way. Also, how do we know that they're not spending $$$ on a honeymoon and that's why they need the guests to help pay off the student loans? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 Tacky. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moxie Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 (edited) It is rude to mention or indicate an expectation for gifts in an invitation. Period. This is the part I don't get. Why is it rude? Who decided that? People give gifts at weddings. That isn't a secret. At one point, wasn't it considered inappropriate for a woman to go out without gloves? Social norms change. Making a gift suggestion for an event where social norms dictate that you are to bring a gift is just practical. You know what I think is rude? You get an invitation to the wedding of two 20-year-olds who don't have two nickles to rub together. You buy them a crystal ice bucket or a silver platter. I've been married almost 13 years and that $)(*% ice bucket is still sitting in the box in a closet. Edited February 17, 2012 by Moxie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
beaners Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 Well, I guess I'll be the odd man out and say that while I would never write that myself, I TOTALLY understand the request. Truly, I would rather give people something they can use. After 25 years of marriage we finally got rid of some knives that we have never used. We received several sets of knives as wedding gifts. My parents got three sets of Pyrex bowls and they gave their extras away. When we got married, we received many cash gifts and we appreciated them as much or more than the towel sets and knives and wall hangings that didn't match or appeal to us. Ya know? I bet Dave Ramsey and Mary Hunt would be proud of this young couple! I wouldn't even care if they did use the money I gave to choose wall hangings of their choice rather than mine! College has gotten outrageously expensive. We have a son graduating this year and I know how that debt hangs over your head. Many college students live in houses by their senior year and don't need dish towels and pie pans. They would rather pay off debt than own a crystal vase or pancake grill. (Just thinking of some wedding gifts I've seen.) People say things like that on invitations for birthdays and anniversaries. Why not weddings? I personally wouldn't be offended. My first reaction was "Good for them!" I had the same first reaction. I wouldn't do it myself, but it wouldn't bother me at all. I guess tacky doesn't really cross my radar. I just don't have the energy to get offended. :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ktgrok Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 There ARE ways to handle this that are less tacky. There are online sites that allow you to register for anything, including setting up an account towards a specific goal. They could have done that, and left off the mention of gifts on the invitation. Then when people ask where they are registered they give the name of the website. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SweetMissMagnolia Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 :iagree: that's tacky--now I've seen "money trees" at receptions for the guests to put money on for the couple to use on honeymoon but it's always optional you know never put in the invitation.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mytwomonkeys Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 eh. it wouldn't bother me really. it's no different than registering and telling people specifically what you want. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tammyla Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 Asking guests for money is always tacky, even if you need it. A small wedding without people you barely know, might be a better idea. I love giving money to young couples, but I don't like being asked for it. kwim? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nukeswife Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 I'm with those that don't see it as a big deal. I'm sorry but we're all more busy now than when Ms. Manner's came up with her list of rules and besides who made her to boss of all that is correct? I don't mind getting registry info in the invite to a shower or wedding. I want to know that stuff, I don't have time to be calling everyone and their uncle to find out who has that information. I'm also sure the people getting married/throwing the shower are busy too and don't always have time to field a ton of calls about where someone is registered or what they want. Honestly, they told you they wanted cash instead of gifts, so what, it doesn't mean you're any more obligated to give a gift than you would have been had they not mentioned it at all. It's not like that included a stub for you to remit with your "payment" in order to attend the wedding. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
supermom1 Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 I got one wedding invitation with " No box gifts please." They wanted only money. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Julie Smith Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 This is the part I don't get. Why is it rude? Who decided that? People give gifts at weddings. That isn't a secret. At one point, wasn't it considered inappropriate for a woman to go out without gloves? Social norms change. Making a gift suggestion for an event where social norms dictate that you are to bring a gift is just practical. You know what I think is rude? You get an invitation to the wedding of two 20-year-olds who don't have two nickles to rub together. You buy them a crystal ice bucket or a silver platter. I've been married almost 13 years and that $)(*% ice bucket is still sitting in the box in a closet. I agree with this. I like knowing what to buy/not buy without having to dig for the information. I also like when people are up front about whether or not kids are welcome. I'm not offended if it's a no-kid event. But just tell me so I don't have to play telephone tag / email tag with you to find out. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vonfirmath Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 There ARE ways to handle this that are less tacky. There are online sites that allow you to register for anything, including setting up an account towards a specific goal. They could have done that, and left off the mention of gifts on the invitation. Then when people ask where they are registered they give the name of the website. Yeah... they could. But as a recipient I'd rather the information to be there, on the invitation and not require more work from me to get. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brigitte Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 I would respond "In lieu of spending money on a wedding, pay off your loans instead," or "You can take the money you would have spent on our food at the reception and use that to pay down your loans. We won't be attending. That is your gift." That is just awful. I can't believe that people are doing that. I was embarrassed to tell people where we were registered because it seemed tacky. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellie Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 Yeah... they could. But as a recipient I'd rather the information to be there, on the invitation and not require more work from me to get. It is always tacky to talk about gifts on the invitation. It just is. And if these are friends that you care about, surely a little effort on your part shouldn't be out of the question. Newlyweds always need the same kinds of things. Buy something for them from a store that is in their community such that they could return it if they want cash. No tackiness. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rutamattatt Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 I am not a Miss Manners person, but this just about sent a chill down my spine. :001_huh: I understand that student loans are a terrible burden for those coming out of college - we are still paying off some on my husband's loans and he graduated 12 years ago. But I agree with a PP that is isn't the responsibility of the wedding guests, and if I were invited to a wedding like that it would bother me to see how much money was spent on the wedding while I was asked to help with their debt. Just seems...tacky. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catz Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 I know that others will chime in and say that it is a new "normal" and they are seeing similar types of invitations, BUT... I still think that it is incredibly tacky, rude and obnoxious. sorry, pet peeve :leaving: :iagree: Absolutely. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moxie Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 It is always tacky to talk about gifts on the invitation. It just is. And if these are friends that you care about, surely a little effort on your part shouldn't be out of the question. I disagree with this. Someone decided it was tacky so now it just is??? Sometimes I think these arbitrary rules are a way to feel superior to someone else. "Oh my, white shoes after Labor Day, doesn't she know better??" "Mentioning gifts, how tacky, someone should buy her a manners book." Random and silly, IMO. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bluegoat Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 Tacky. But... Miss Manners pretty much said years ago when people started to put cards for gift registries in invitations that this is the logical conclusion. If you are going to assume that people want to get you a gift, and feel it is ok to imply you expect one in the invitation, what difference does it make to say you want something off your list at Sears or money? Although I think the classy way to say "please give us money" is supposed to be "presentation preferred". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Greta Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 (edited) I disagree with this. Someone decided it was tacky so now it just is??? Sometimes I think these arbitrary rules are a way to feel superior to someone else. "Oh my, white shoes after Labor Day, doesn't she know better??" "Mentioning gifts, how tacky, someone should buy her a manners book." Random and silly, IMO. I agree with you about the shoe color issue, but with regards to invitations I don't think it's arbitrary or meaningless at all. An invitation expresses the idea that you want this person to share a very important event in your life. An invitation with instructions about a gift conveys a very different message. Especially in the case the OP mentioned -- she barely knows these people and they are instructing her to bring money to help them pay off their debts. They have money to invite people they barely know to their wedding, and yet they are in debt enough to be asking people they barely know for money??? :confused: Edited February 17, 2012 by GretaLynne spelling Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
plansrme Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 I agree with you about the shoe color issue, but with regards to invitations I don't think it's arbitrary or meaningless at all. An invitation expresses the idea that you want this person to share a very important event in your life. An invitation with instructions about a gift conveys a very different message. Especially in the case the OP mentioned -- she barely knows these people and they are instructing her to bring money to help them pay off their debts. They have money to invite people they barely know to their wedding, and yet they are in debt enough to be asking people they barely know for money??? :confused: :iagree: If you need the cash that badly, don't have a wedding. Terri Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bluegoat Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 This is the part I don't get. Why is it rude? Who decided that? People give gifts at weddings. That isn't a secret. At one point, wasn't it considered inappropriate for a woman to go out without gloves? Social norms change. Making a gift suggestion for an event where social norms dictate that you are to bring a gift is just practical. You know what I think is rude? You get an invitation to the wedding of two 20-year-olds who don't have two nickles to rub together. You buy them a crystal ice bucket or a silver platter. I've been married almost 13 years and that $)(*% ice bucket is still sitting in the box in a closet. It is rude because it is rude to ask for gifts, or imply they are expected, or that you are not inviting people purely for the pleasure of their company. It's fine to have thought of things you'd like to have, if someone asks. But it is up to the person who is choosing to give the gift to initiate the question. When a gift is assumed, it isn't really a gift any more. Etiquette which prohibits mention of gifts on invitations - and that is a longstanding practice - is trying to preserve that little bit of the social fabric that says that a gift is distinct from payment. And given that in recent years I have heard of all kids of wedding schemes that are pretty much asking people to pay to come to the wedding, not to mention brides who get angry at gifts they consider cheap or undesirable, I think it is a distinction that is actually beginning to be lost. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moxie Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 It is rude because it is rude to ask for gifts, or imply they are expected, or that you are not inviting people purely for the pleasure of their company. It's fine to have thought of things you'd like to have, if someone asks. But it is up to the person who is choosing to give the gift to initiate the question. When a gift is assumed, it isn't really a gift any more. Etiquette which prohibits mention of gifts on invitations - and that is a longstanding practice - is trying to preserve that little bit of the social fabric that says that a gift is distinct from payment. And given that in recent years I have heard of all kids of wedding schemes that are pretty much asking people to pay to come to the wedding, not to mention brides who get angry at gifts they consider cheap or undesirable, I think it is a distinction that is actually beginning to be lost. Aren't we in a place in our society where it is okay to expect a gift at certain occasions?? Does anyone go to a wedding without a gift?? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Greta Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 When a gift is assumed, it isn't really a gift any more. Etiquette which prohibits mention of gifts on invitations - and that is a longstanding practice - is trying to preserve that little bit of the social fabric that says that a gift is distinct from payment. That was so perfectly stated, hits the nail on the head. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
beaners Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 :iagree:If you need the cash that badly, don't have a wedding. Terri My husband and I were married at the clerk's office. You may or may not be shocked to hear how many people found that rude and tacky. It makes me sad to see how few people actually celebrate these happy moments in life, on both sides of the event. I see so little joy in these joyous occasions. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 :tongue_smilie: Well, it kinda is. "We only want xyz and not abc." Or the mile long list that includes absolutely nothing under $100. Seriously. A registry isn't a bad thing. It's the responsibility of the hostess of the shower to convey to guests, when they RSVP and ask what the bride/mother-to-be needs/wants, where the couple/mother is registered or of any special requests. This. Exactly. :iagree::iagree::iagree: Anne Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cindergretta Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 Aren't we in a place in our society where it is okay to expect a gift at certain occasions?? Does anyone go to a wedding without a gift?? No, I don't think it is *ever* Ok to *expect* gifts. That is icky to me. You mentioned a gift your received that has never been used and it clearly irritates you. I think that is rude. ::ducking:: You could have returned it or regifted it. You could have used it just to try it out. But instead you gripe about a *gift* given to you years ago because it didn't meet your guidelines. And that is where and why people get their panties in a wad about gifts. Gifts are no longer freely given and further are expected to be up to snuff from the honoree. Most gift giving events ask for an RSVP. These days RSVP'ing is simply an email. So, ask in the email what the bride would like. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amey311 Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 That's tacky. It's typical around here to give cash as a gift for a wedding, but nobody I've ever come across specifically insists on it. I think this is a key bit (a PP said something similar). When your culture/community is such that guests almost always bring cash, there's no need to specifically request it. However, when your culture typically brings gifts (and then there's the subsets of "people who bring a gift to the ceremony" and "people who send gifts directly to the couple at home, before or after the ceremony") it stands out more when someone requests something out of the norm. Mildy related anecdote: DH really wanted to request cash for our wedding ("so we can just pick out what we need rather than have people shop for us") but my background was such that asking for money is tacky and people like choosing gifts. Many people on DH's side (particularly his dad's side) gave cash, while my side gave gifts. It was much easier for me to write my thank yous (since we split the job by family) since I could thank for the specific item. Etiquette says you can't say "thanks for the check!" but instead are supposed to say something like "thank you for the generous gift, we'll use it for ABC." He (bless him) tried to keep track of whose money had paid for what ($300 new pot set? That's 4 people who gave $50, and 2 people who gave $100), but eventually gave up and tried to make sure he didn't use the same thing too many times. Because you know how family members will compare notes on thank you cards :) We hadn't learned that the tradition for his dad's side was cash, so when his cousin got married, we bought a gift and brought it to the ceremony. We were the ONLY people who did. Everyone else gave cash, or so it seemed. That was the last gift we bought for weddings for that side of the family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mytwomonkeys Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 etiquette works two ways though. it may be rude to tell people where you are registered or that you prefer monetary gifts, but it is equally as rude to attend a wedding and not give a gift, no?? i would never even consider attending a wedding empty handed; i think that is equally tacky. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Greta Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 Aren't we in a place in our society where it is okay to expect a gift at certain occasions?? Does anyone go to a wedding without a gift?? I think it's perfectly reasonable to expect that one will receive gifts when one gets married. I don't think it's reasonable to expect that every single guest will bring you exactly what you want, nor is it polite to put that unreasonable expectation in print on the invitations. But that's just me. And I seem to be behind the times in many, many ways. :001_smile: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moxie Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 No, I don't think it is *ever* Ok to *expect* gifts. That is icky to me. You mentioned a gift your received that has never been used and it clearly irritates you. I think that is rude. ::ducking:: You could have returned it or regifted it. You could have used it just to try it out. But instead you gripe about a *gift* given to you years ago because it didn't meet your guidelines. And that is where and why people get their panties in a wad about gifts. Gifts are no longer freely given and further are expected to be up to snuff from the honoree. Most gift giving events ask for an RSVP. These days RSVP'ing is simply an email. So, ask in the email what the bride would like. Perhaps I am rude for disliking the gift. I still think it was a really thoughtless gift. I did send a nice thank-you card so Ms. Manners wouldn't totally write me off as a social slob! Just curious, if someone asks me what the bride would like, is it then okay to mention that she would like cash or should I try to come up with a gift that could easily be returned for cash? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mytwomonkeys Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 (edited) Perhaps I am rude for disliking the gift. no, not rude. i received a wine rack when we got married. we don't drink wine at all. it wasn't on my registry. so was it kind to give this gift? yes, absolutely. did we use it? no. honestly we did not. i always buy off the registry for people, and i don't find it rude that they have one. i prefer to get them something that they will genuinely use and like, otherwise i've wasted my money. ETA - i do think it is a little rude, however, when the registry doesn't have a price range that can accommodate any budget. in that case, we give cash. Edited February 17, 2012 by mytwomonkeys Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tammyw Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 My first OT - the word "tacky" - for me it's in the same category as slacks or panties or what have you. Blech :tongue_smilie: First things first - I do NOT think that these two things are the same: 1. No gifts please (on a birthday invitation). 2. Cash only (on a wedding invitation). NOT. THE. SAME. THING. AT ALL. One is saying "please just come have fun with us" and the other is saying "please come have fun with us, but bring your money too". How are people thinking these are equally bad??? Seriously? I might be sensitive because I started the most recent "please no gifts for a birthday party" thread, but seriously? How are these even in the same category? I didn't have a big wedding. In fact, my husband and I got married, by ourselves, in a little Vegas chapel. I cannot imagine having a big expensive wedding (or any wedding at all) and then inviting to come (never mind it IS expensive to even just come to a wedding - people spend a fortune to go to a wedding) and then to ask for money on top of that? It's crazy. Besides which, in this day and age, people usually just bring money to a wedding anyway. Asking for it is just asking for trouble. But if someone put "Please no gifts, we just want your company at our wedding" that wouldn't be offensive to me. I don't know, maybe I'm just crazy! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
funschooler5 Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 When a gift is assumed, it isn't really a gift any more. :iagree: Exactly. Okay, I had to dig out my Miss Manners book to find this quote. She's actually responding to a groom-to-be whose in-laws offered to pay for a big wedding, and the groom wanted a delicate way to ask for cash instead. She responded: "It's not a very delicate idea, is it? If Miss Manners were to invite you to dinner, would you ask her to send you the grocery money instead and then pride yourself on having saved her the trouble of preparation?" Okay, found a funny one I just have to share. (Miss Manners really has a wicked sense of humor.) A wedding guest received an interesting thank you note from a bride and sent it in:"Dear friends: Thank you so much for the beautiful vase. Unfortunately, it was the seventh one we received, so we did want you to know--and we hope you won't mind that we exchanged it in order to complete our china pattern. We send our love to you, etc." Miss Manners responded: "It isn't the bride's frankness that worries Miss Manners--it's her brain. If one has seven vases, it should not be difficult to figure out how to exchange six of them, while letting the seventh represent, to each of the seven donors, the one that was kept. Miss Manners hopes that this couple is not planning to have children." :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dansamy Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 Actually, the invitation to an event implies that you desire the presence of the invitee, not their presents. It's not really rude per se to attend without a gift. You're attending a party, a celebration. Now, attending a shower empty-handed is indeed tacky. If I attend the shower, I do not bring another gift to the wedding. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bbkaren Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 I'd have been taken aback a bit at first, but then after thinking about it wouldn't really mind it so much. I usually give cash anyway, but it'll be good to know it's appreciated that I chose cash (vs. "Why couldn't she put a little thought into a 'real' gift?"). And truth be told, we did something similar when we got married. We didn't put it on the invitations, but we informed everyone (parents, wedding party, etc.) that if people ask, we were hoping for cash as we had just bought a house that needed a lot of renovation work. Now...if by telling us in advance what the gift will be used for, they intend not to send a thank you note after receipt of said gift, that's tacky. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Greta Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 And truth be told, we did something similar when we got married. We didn't put it on the invitations, but we informed everyone (parents, wedding party, etc.) that if people ask, we were hoping for cash as we had just bought a house that needed a lot of renovation work. That's why what you did is entirely different than what the couple in the OP did. I don't think there's anything wrong with gift registries or preferring cash. It's all in the way you go about making these things known. The way you did it, the information was available to those who sought it. The way the people in the OP did it, it made the wedding invitation seem more like a ticket being purchased. Totally different. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bluegoat Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 etiquette works two ways though. it may be rude to tell people where you are registered or that you prefer monetary gifts, but it is equally as rude to attend a wedding and not give a gift, no?? i would never even consider attending a wedding empty handed; i think that is equally tacky. No, I don't think it is rude to attend without a gift. I think that most people, if they are really friends of family of those being married, want to bring a gift. On the other hand, that may not be possible for everyone. But i wouldn't think it was rude, at all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Greta Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 If I attend the shower, I do not bring another gift to the wedding. I've wondered about this! This hasn't happened to me, but same friend of a friend who had the "stock the bar" engagement party also had a shower AND a bachelorette party and I think by the time it was all over it had cost my friend a small fortune because she felt she was expected to bring a gift to every event. Is that really necessary? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catz Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 Just curious, if someone asks me what the bride would like, is it then okay to mention that she would like cash or should I try to come up with a gift that could easily be returned for cash? Absolutely, that's fine. Someone asking for suggestions is one thing. I think it's good to let your parents or close family or friends know your info if they're asked. Having a registry is fine and honestly I love them. Dictating what wedding guests should bring for you on an invitation is completely different. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mytwomonkeys Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 No, I don't think it is rude to attend without a gift. I think that most people, if they are really friends of family of those being married, want to bring a gift. On the other hand, that may not be possible for everyone. But i wouldn't think it was rude, at all. well, i would never attend a wedding without a gift. i would feel rude, but our situation permits for us to afford that, so in my case there is no legitimate reason really to come with nothing for a friend or family member. also, cultural etiquette may come into account here. i was raised that gifts are the rule (not the exception) for attending weddings, showers, etc. heck, i bring flowers to dinner parties. i would feel weird coming empty handed there as well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LMA Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 I've wondered about this! This hasn't happened to me, but same friend of a friend who had the "stock the bar" engagement party also had a shower AND a bachelorette party and I think by the time it was all over it had cost my friend a small fortune because she felt she was expected to bring a gift to every event. Is that really necessary? The shower gift is separate from the wedding gift. I would not bring a gift to a bachelorette party. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cindergretta Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 well, i would never attend a wedding without a gift. i would feel rude, but our situation permits for us to afford that, so in my case there is no legitimate reason really to come with nothing for a friend or family member. also, cultural etiquette may come into account here. i was raised that gifts are the rule (not the exception) for attending weddings, showers, etc. heck, i bring flowers to dinner parties. i would feel weird coming empty handed there as well. It may be awkward to attend an event - birthday party, wedding, dinner gathering - empty handed, but that doesn't = rude. Gifts are NOT obligations. And not having a gift in hand is not rude. The expectation of a gift is rude. Feeling weird about not having a gift to offer doesn't mean it is rude to not offer a gift. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Greta Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 The shower gift is separate from the wedding gift. I would not bring a gift to a bachelorette party. What about the engagement party? Not many (any?) people that I know have engagement parties. But when one does, is it expected that you'll bring a gift both to that and the wedding? Not a big fan of the whole idea of an engagement party, but . . . Just curious. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bluegoat Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 well, i would never attend a wedding without a gift. i would feel rude, but our situation permits for us to afford that, so in my case there is no legitimate reason really to come with nothing for a friend or family member. also, cultural etiquette may come into account here. i was raised that gifts are the rule (not the exception) for attending weddings, showers, etc. heck, i bring flowers to dinner parties. i would feel weird coming empty handed there as well. I probably wouldn't either, and I always bring a bottle of wine to dinner. But feeling like I should bring a bottle doesn't mean that I feel that someone who comes to dinner at my place ought to bring one. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mytwomonkeys Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 It may be awkward to attend an event - birthday party, wedding, dinner gathering - empty handed, but that doesn't = rude. Gifts are NOT obligations. And not having a gift in hand is not rude. The expectation of a gift is rude. Feeling weird about not having a gift to offer doesn't mean it is rude to not offer a gift. maybe for you, but *I* would feel rude coming empty handed. honestly, i just would feel completely weird if i attended a party with nothing in hand, unless it was requested. there is no reason that i should not bring a gift, especially since i can afford it. i am speaking from my personal feelings here; i'm not saying you attending dinner without flowers is rude - or any other event for that matter. i am speaking from my own social etiquette and upbringing and how i respond to invitations. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mytwomonkeys Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 I probably wouldn't either, and I always bring a bottle of wine to dinner. But feeling like I should bring a bottle doesn't mean that I feel that someone who comes to dinner at my place ought to bring one. yes. i agree completely. i do not expect anything from guests when they come to my home, just their company. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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