How do you control your kids enough to teach them?!

[redsnapper]

I think I've asked this before but I can't get a handle on this.

 

I can't control my kids, dd10, ds8, & dd3. They're not ready for Nanny McPhee but they manage to avoid things I tell them to do most of the time. On a normal day, a homeschool mom should be able work on, say, the morning dishes while the kids brush their teeth and get their books out and start up with independent work. But for me, as soon as the kids head down the hall I've lost them. They might head into toyland, or start chatting with each other, or playing with their 3yo sister. Nothing naughty just not what they were told. (And I can't get the timer trick to work in them.)

 

It's like that with most everything. I say work on cursive, they start telling each other jokes. I say work on spelling, dd10 starts drawing horses.

 

I should be able to sit with dd3 for 15mins while dd10 & ds8 work independently, but they goof off. Yet if I sit between them, dd3 comes in and distracts.

 

At the end of our day, we've done LA and math, and maybe history or science. Maybe. 9am-4pm most days. There's never time for creative, fun activities because all day long I'm working hard to get LA and math finished. I'm exhausted by 4pm and they never get to their math drills, typing practice, history crafts, LA projects, etc. I can see they are getting bored with homeschool but I can't get them to respect me enough obey. And my active 3yo only makes it more complicated.

 

I think I just need to really take charge for a week, find a sitter for dd3, micro-manage like crazy, and be a drill sargent. Once I've earned their respect, and can keep them on task, then I can add in fun again, right? Or is this a case of choosing between being a friend or being a parent? Fun mom or firm mom? But can't be both? I know this predicament is of my own making. Its my fault, not the kids. My hubby tries to help but we both parent the same way. We assign tasks then assume we can work on our own tasks at the same time. And then we've lost them again.

 

I know I'm rambling, but I'm so frustrated and exhausted. "Nanny McPhee, I need you!"

[chepyl]

Make a schedule. Make them help you with the morning dishes. Your 10 year old can loss the dishwasher or wash by hand. Your 8 year old can sweep, amd the 3 year old can wipe the table off.

 

Then get the kids started on independent work while you color with the three year old. Then either find something to occupy the..three year old, mine will play with playdough or paint for hours. A favorite cartoon on tv won't hurt. Then work with the other two along as you can, take another break to play with the little one and keep going.

 

You can also work with one child while the other plays with the three year old.

[Cricket]

I think I've asked this before but I can't get a handle on this.

 

I can't control my kids, dd10, ds8, & dd3. They're not ready for Nanny McPhee but they manage to avoid things I tell them to do most of the time. On a normal day, a homeschool mom should be able work on, say, the morning dishes while the kids brush their teeth and get their books out and start up with independent work. But for me, as soon as the kids head down the hall I've lost them. They might head into toyland, or start chatting with each other, or playing with their 3yo sister. Nothing naughty just not what they were told. (And I can't get the timer trick to work in them.)

 

It's like that with most everything. I say work on cursive, they start telling each other jokes. I say work on spelling, dd10 starts drawing horses.

 

I should be able to sit with dd3 for 15mins while dd10 & ds8 work independently, but they goof off. Yet if I sit between them, dd3 comes in and distracts.

 

At the end of our day, we've done LA and math, and maybe history or science. Maybe. 9am-4pm most days. There's never time for creative, fun activities because all day long I'm working hard to get LA and math finished. I'm exhausted by 4pm and they never get to their math drills, typing practice, history crafts, LA projects, etc. I can see they are getting bored with homeschool but I can't get them to respect me enough obey. And my active 3yo only makes it more complicated.

 

I think I just need to really take charge for a week, find a sitter for dd3, micro-manage like crazy, and be a drill sargent. Once I've earned their respect, and can keep them on task, then I can add in fun again, right? Or is this a case of choosing between being a friend or being a parent? Fun mom or firm mom? But can't be both? I know this predicament is of my own making. Its my fault, not the kids. My hubby tries to help but we both parent the same way. We assign tasks then assume we can work on our own tasks at the same time. And then we've lost them again.

 

I know I'm rambling, but I'm so frustrated and exhausted. "Nanny McPhee, I need you!"

 

Since last year my dh is now home all day so if the kids screw around they get sent to the principal. He is definitely the "mean one" around here. :) That usually entails physical work like pulling weeds or digging holes. For awhile you will have to sit with them. My oldest is 13 and is very easy to distract. He was usually the instigator in the disruptions. I finally put him in a room by himself for his independent work. That was a big help! We've established a routine as well. We start the day with an hour of "together" work. Then the two older ones (13 and 10) branch off for independent work while I work with the younger two (8 and 5). I think that first hour helps settle them down and get into the day. We started following a loop schedule as well. (Do a search of the boards for loop schedule. I think that has helped a lot!)

 

Pick consequences and don't be afraid to follow through. My kids only get TV and video games on the weekend. They didn't get it one weekend because of how they had behaved in school that week. It usually takes a consequence or two before they start to exercise some self-control.

 

I'm finally this year starting to see progress. I know how overwhelming it feels to be outnumbered! :grouphug:

[JessReplanted]

If they don't listen, there has to be a consequence.

 

Figure out what the consequences should be for each child.

For my almost 9 year old, consequences are almost always related to

losing video games or TV time.

[didadeewiththree]

I read would you mean. I've really bucked up this week and have been quite pleased with the results. All I've done different is make a schedule. It looks like this:

8:30-9:30 am Math

9:30-9:45 am Spelling

9:45-10:15 am History/science alternating days

10:15 break

10:30-11:30 English, grammar, writing

11:30-12:30 lunch

12:30-1:00 free reading, either I read or the kids read on their own

1:00-1:30 vocab, lit, any LA that hasnt been done yet

1:30-2:00 Older sons sci/history time, free play for younger ones

2:00 read aloud for however long I can keep their interest

 

No fancy planning, just a schedule I whipped up on the dry erase board in my kitchen. I have consequences in place when someone is not working during the time alotted. We use the "star" system where you earn stars for doing things that are extraordinary, and you lose stars when you disobey or do something wrong. I also make them "owe me time" if they are not being productive. If someone is late getting to work on their math at 9am, I add that time to their name and they owe me that much time doing that subject after school is done.

 

This week is going much more smoothly; maybe a schedule can work for you too!

[redsnapper]

I agree I need to better about consequences, but my problem is, I take Legos from ds8 then he rediscovers his train set and still has a great time. If I take away all toys, the Dc get creative in the back yard. While I love their creativity it undermines my consequences.:tongue_smilie:

 

Do I need to just ground them to no free time, or assign yucky chores?

 

My sister once had a jar of all the jobs she hated to do at home. She'd have her girls choose a "nasty" job when they got in trouble...

[jennsmile]

Do you have something for the 3 yo to do? My guy has toddler swap bags, toys or other fun activities. Today he built a tower out of math 1 inch blocks, and while he was in the room and wanted some interaction I still got math done with the older boys. When he wasn't doing that he was playing with stuffed animals.

[LucyStoner]

Have you tried splitting them up?

 

1 works with you on chores while the other one grooms and starts school. Then switch. Then fun activity with one while the other works on school and then swap.

 

Tell them they can go back to being together during school when they can show they can stay on task.

[tkdkidsmom]

This is only our 2nd year, but I have found that in addition to a schedule some am exercise and periodic motor/movement breaks throughout the day really helps my 2 get focused on what they need to do.

We may dance to a few silly songs, do yoga stretches, jumping jacks etc. It helps them get the wiggles under control.

[redsnapper]

My 3yo has some things she can do, but she's an extrovert. She wants to play with us or near us. When she is playing by herself, she's loud. Talking loud, singing loud. It's great fun, but distracting to my kids. Some days she works better by herself than others. We're working on getting her to play by herself for a while at a time. I'd give her a video later in the morning, but the TV is where we work, so it would distract my kids, too. Grrr... Is there a "Super Nanny" for homeschool families? =)

[Mom-ninja.]

You know as old fashion as it seems, the corner has worked great. My kids hate to stand in the corner.

[redsnapper]

Actually, sometimes I've made them stand with their nose to the wall. Which, like yours, they hate. But for some reason it makes me laugh. So there is my kid with their nose touching the wall and I'm behind them, supposedly stern, but actually smothering laughter!

[Farrar]

I guess I don't see it as "controlling" them...

 

I would expect to be able to do the dishes while the kids get out their books, etc., but only if I had already instilled those habits into them. How long has this been going on? Are you a relatively new homeschooler? Kids have to learn how to follow a schedule and you it takes time to build a routine. I would hand hold them through it and frame it that way for yourself and for them. It doesn't have to be you butting heads with them to force them in place - it can be you working with them closely to teach them those habits. In practice I don't know that it's so different, but I think attitude can be everything and that one might get better results.

 

I do agree about sticking with the consequences, but the more direct and immediate the better. Also, the simpler the better. It's a pain for you to go get all the toys, after all. And it does seem like maybe they need to be schooled separately - at least until the habits of work come more naturally.

[ktgrok]

I agree I need to better about consequences, but my problem is, I take Legos from ds8 then he rediscovers his train set and still has a great time. If I take away all toys, the Dc get creative in the back yard. While I love their creativity it undermines my consequences.:tongue_smilie:

 

Do I need to just ground them to no free time, or assign yucky chores?

 

My sister once had a jar of all the jobs she hated to do at home. She'd have her girls choose a "nasty" job when they got in trouble...

 

No free time until chores/school are done. Period. And if they can't be trusted to do what you say then you have to follow them to make sure they do it. That means that the dishes don't get done, which means they have to help you do the dishes later, or stand in the kitchen while you do them, or stand in the kitchen doing schoolwork while you do them. Like a puppy.

[Mom-ninja.]

Actually, sometimes I've made them stand with their nose to the wall. Which, like yours, they hate. But for some reason it makes me laugh. So there is my kid with their nose touching the wall and I'm behind them, supposedly stern, but actually smothering laughter!

 

Don't stand behind them. :)

 

Walk away and do something else. Just kept an eye on them to make sure they stay there.

[redsnapper]

Katie, I love the analogy! Sometimes I swear that instead of child psychology we should learn wolf psychology!

 

But I get the point. In order to get their respect, I have to earn it by sticking to my guns. Not letting things slide by my own distractedness. Like puppy training, I should jump right on infractions when they happen...immediate consequences...cause & effect. Right? Put on the drill sargeant hat for a while until I put the "fear of Momma" into them. :-)

[2squared]

Katie, I love the analogy! Sometimes I swear that instead of child psychology we should learn wolf psychology!

 

But I get the point. In order to get their respect, I have to earn it by sticking to my guns. Not letting things slide by my own distractedness. Like puppy training, I should jump right on infractions when they happen...immediate consequences...cause & effect. Right? Put on the drill sargeant hat for a while until I put the "fear of Momma" into them. :-)

 

I would add that while you have to train them like puppies, you also have to love and play with them like puppies. If they want to please you, the training will go much easier. You won't need to be a drill sergeant if you are all working together to accomplish chores, schoolwork, etc.

 

My littles prefer to play near me which means that we are usually 6 people in one room while schoolwork is getting done. It gets a little crazy, but I expect my 9yo & 7yo to work through a certain amount of commotion. Public school isn't perfectly quiet either.

[georgialee]

Instead of a consequence, why don't you try rewarding good/correct behaviour?

 

I took a mixed approach for my DS: I have tied his school work directly to his allowance. He has the opportunity to earn $1 every school day. If he whines, wastes time, etc then he'll have a quarter taken away from the total for that day. It has really worked wonders.

[Tarreymere]

I think I just need to really take charge for a week, find a sitter for dd3, micro-manage like crazy, and be a drill sargent. Once I've earned their respect, and can keep them on task, then I can add in fun again, right? Or is this a case of choosing between being a friend or being a parent? Fun mom or firm mom? But can't be both? I know this predicament is of my own making. Its my fault, not the kids. My hubby tries to help but we both parent the same way. We assign tasks then assume we can work on our own tasks at the same time. And then we've lost them again.

 

I know I'm rambling, but I'm so frustrated and exhausted. "Nanny McPhee, I need you!"

 

You have to make it clear that you are in charge. Fun only happens when you say it can happen, and work has to happen when you say that happens. They need to know MOM calls the shots.

 

You can have fun with them and still be in charge. You can be a friend and still be in charge. But clearly someone has to be in charge and right now that isn't you.

 

You need to become a leader and they need you to be a leader, or else nothing much is going to get done. If being a leader isn't something that comes naturally to you, you might want to browse some leadership books rather than parenting books to get an idea of how to pull it off successfully. It isn't hard, but it is a different mindset. I used to be more of a 'hey lets work cooperatively' type person.......until I joined the Army. I got in trouble a lot for laughing out loud at the drill sgts at first......but I learned how to walk that walk and talk that talk. I can still channel my first drill sgt. when I have to!

Edited January 19, 2012 by Rainefox

[tricia]

I'm sorry for my giggles but as a mom to 12 kids I just couldn't help myself. Told to do penmanship and they draw a horse. That has so happened here. And still is! For us, what works is actually doing nothing at all. By that I mean, if I have a child/children simply NOT cooperating then I just say, "Your done. Go right now to your room, give me your books, papers, etc. and just go." Sounds mean I know but my children HATE being off alone while the rest of us are doing lessons. And considering that I teach them all together, (the youngest 5) then they are really being left out! I mean they really HATE it. But I suppose it could work with your kids if you just were like, okay, that's it. You don't want to be doing this. School is a privilege and the rights need to be earned and if you aren't interested then leave the room. No playing with toys, no nothing. Just leave the room. I'm not sure how you feel about toys, but we don't hardly have any. Haven't for years. I found that they were never played with anyway and they were always all over the place so we just ditched them. Not sure how that would work for you since you don't have as many kids as I do. I just found that they played with each other more than their toys! HTH

[happypamama]

I think you need to drill the routine for a while. If they wander away, go and bring them back. No fun stuff until their work is done. Take away the fun stuff for a while if need be.

 

I use my 3yo's best time for independent play with work with my 6yo. The 9yo is supposed to do her independent work then as well, but she is super easily distracted, so I am currently ignoring it in favor of giving the 6yo what he needs. When 6yo is done, I do history and science with everyone. Then he goes to tidy his room and then plays with the 3yo while I work with the 9yo. (It does depend a bit on the baby, and what is easiest for me to do while nursing, holding, or wearing him, so it can vary; if he's taking a really good nap, for instance, I might put off history and science in favor of working with DD, who gets distracted from math by the smiling baby in my lap.) Then 9yo DD stays with me, wherever I am in the house, so I can supervise/assist her, while she finishes her work.

[WeeBeaks]

In our house, we have to stick together. We get up and dressed and have breakfast together. They have a couple chores while I do a couple chores. When we are in the school area, we are all in there together (ages 9, 6, 3 and 1 for reference). We stay there together, unless someone finishes (usually the 3yo), in which case she can go outside or play in the room. I can see the play structure from the school area.

 

If I'm not in the room, chaos erupts, especially between the 9yo and 6yo boys. Even if I'm in the room, it's dicey. It's definitely not the quiet order it was while homeschooling one or two. But my 3yo is learning how it should be in school, even if she is sometimes disrupting the others. And the others are learning to tolerate noise.

 

We do in fact allow the use of hearing protectors over the ears on bad days. It helps the boys focus, and talk less at the same time.

 

I don't get done all that I want to get done. After "school," we have afternoon chores as well. Again, we ALL have chores and since I'm moving around the house I can keep on top of them even if they are in the next room. Dishwasher gets unloaded before school and usually doesn't get loaded again until dinner prep time or sometimes mid afternoon after school. I just pile dishes in the sink in the meantime. Once DH gets home, we have dinner. He thankfully does stories while I run around the house picking up some more, and I prep school workboxes for the next day and grade work from the current day. If he works late, I do stories and put them to bed slightly early while I do my school prep and grading. Last resort, when he has worked OT for weeks on end, they sometimes get a mellow netflix choice (think IMAX films on animals or something, nice soothing music, no excitement) while I catch up, nurse the baby and get her to sleep and then we do stories and bed for the olders.

 

Every day is a new day and a new lesson in not bugging your siblings, sitting in your seat and doing some work along the way.

 

Oh, and I fully agree with the poster above. In our house, there is NO fun stuff until school is done. That means no TV, computer, wii, legos, free reading, Ipad, kindle or whatever else they may desire. Work first, and the faster you get through it satisfactorily the faster you get to have some fun, go play with friends in the cul-de-sac, computer, etc.

[redsnapper]

Everyone has great ideas for me. Sadly, as I realize I've tried most of them, I believe they failed only because I haven't "been the boss" that I should be. I think it's like when your oldest daughter tries to boss everyone around and no one listens? LOL, that's what I've been I think.

 

So, I am considering all the advice about taking charge, and tossing in ideas about the loop schedule (love it!), reinstating our "earn allowance through good behavior" program, etc. and coming up with what I hope is a good game plan. And as I read all your ideas, I think that really, many options would work, as long as the kids take me seriously. Once I get that established, the rest will fall into place easier. Because really, they don't have any problems with authority figures, only me :tongue_smilie:

 

I just need a podcast coach I can plug in my ear all day giving me leadership pep talks! =)

[Tarreymere]

Everyone has great ideas for me. Sadly, as I realize I've tried most of them, I believe they failed only because I haven't "been the boss" that I should be. I think it's like when your oldest daughter tries to boss everyone around and no one listens? LOL, that's what I've been I think.

 

So, I am considering all the advice about taking charge, and tossing in ideas about the loop schedule (love it!), reinstating our "earn allowance through good behavior" program, etc. and coming up with what I hope is a good game plan. And as I read all your ideas, I think that really, many options would work, as long as the kids take me seriously. Once I get that established, the rest will fall into place easier. Because really, they don't have any problems with authority figures, only me :tongue_smilie:

 

I just need a podcast coach I can plug in my ear all day giving me leadership pep talks! =)

 

You'll do fine! Nanny Mcphee had magic on her side, but you can pick a more realistic uber mom movie character to channel while you get things back under control! I'm trying to think of one, but my brain is not working........

[homeschoolkitty]

1 stack of paper plates3 stacks of paper bowlst bags of dollar tree utensilstill your schedule gets to be less crazy.... or at least have them handy.though here sometimes that's the norm.

[DianeW88]

You know as old fashion as it seems, the corner has worked great. My kids hate to stand in the corner.

 

:iagree: This. When one is standing in the corner with one's nose pressed against the wall for 10 minutes.....one tends to shape up pretty darn quickly.

[myfunnybunch]

On a normal day, a homeschool mom should be able work on, say, the morning dishes while the kids brush their teeth and get their books out and start up with independent work. But for me, as soon as the kids head down the hall I've lost them. They might head into toyland, or start chatting with each other, or playing with their 3yo sister. Nothing naughty just not what they were told. (And I can't get the timer trick to work in them.)

 

You have totally normal kids.

 

:grouphug:

 

Routines help. Consistent guidance about your expectations helps. But really, at those ages, there's still a lot of mom-eyes, over-the-shoulder work to be done. You're right, there are lots of ways to tackle the issue and get them to take you seriously. You can be a fun AND a firm mom. :)

 

Mine do better working independently if I separate them. If you need to do dishes, take one of them with you to work at the kitchen counter while you wash, or let the three-year-old help you throw dinner in the crockpot or whatever.

 

My guys also tend to stay focused better if they know the fun will follow. Everyone stayed on task all morning (with me in the room, doing my own project when not doing lessons) and finished early because they really wanted time to squeeze a painting lesson in the schedule.

 

You can do this!

 

Cat

[BlsdMama]

I can teach them school because the first thing I taught them was obedience. Doesn't that sounds sassy? I dont mean it to be, but it is true. There arw nine of them and if each went the way they'd like it would be crazy so they had to learn to bend their will to the good of the family. Raising Godly Tomatoes has helped a ton over the psat ten years.

[AngelBee]

Very timely for me.

:grouphug:

[BlsdMama]

And, forgive me if I add, society has made us question ourselves so much as parents we dont even see clearly anymore.

 

"Nothing naughty, just not what they were told." But see, not doing what they were told IS naughty. And allowance is, in my long term experience, evil. If you'd like to give kids money, then do so, by all means. But, really, truly, they should have work to do so as to plant and nourish a mindset that says, "We care for our family because it's our family and I am part of something bigger than just myself. I am valuable NOT because of pay, or because I can be coerced, but because I am a needed, valued, contributing member of this little society." If kids are trained to be motivated EXTERNALLY then the motivation will have to become more and more enticing.... Which is why so many people don't like their teens and why teens don't contribute without bribery. :(

Edited January 20, 2012 by BlsdMama

[plansrme]

And as I read all your ideas, I think that really, many options would work, as long as the kids take me seriously. Once I get that established, the rest will fall into place easier. Because really, they don't have any problems with authority figures, only me :tongue_smilie:

 

I just need a podcast coach I can plug in my ear all day giving me leadership pep talks! =)

 

 

Bingo! I think it's great that you've come to this point, and it sounds like you are exactly right.

 

I am also going add that if your kids have any screen time--any TV, any video games, any computer time--you might want to take it away from everyone for a while, not necessarily as punishment but because of what it can do to their ability to focus. You may see tremendous progress in their attention spans after a couple of months of this, and once they have a routine, respect for your authority and the attention span to go with it, you are home free. Well, not quite, but relatively.

 

Terri

[SnowWhite]

I have my boys in separate rooms for independent work because of the goofing off tendency.

[KungFuPanda]

If they've never worked independently, you can't be surprised every day when they fail to do so. You may have to be right at that table with them. You may have to alternate tutoring one at a time while the other entertains the 3-year-old. You may have to attach little rewards to the assignments. "When everyone finishes LA, you can play with play dough for 20 minutes." If your LA takes too long (longer than they've demonstrated they can actually do it, not longer than an imaginary time they've never achieved) you cut into your play dough time and can try again tomorrow. Be emotionally prepared to not cave and give it to them anyway, because remembering that disappointment is what will make them take you seriously tomorrow.

 

At this point, you may need to block out some dedicated school time and not try to do housework at the same time. Try a morning session, and maybe another during the preschoolers nap/quiet time. I don't see your kids working well independently before they've ever worked well with supervision. Maybe back up and give easier goals then build from there? Explain the math lesson, then send them somewhere quiet to do 10 problems then report back to you. To hard? Try 5 problems until they are consistent. Do they HAVE a quiet non-destracting place to work? Is your school day unrealistically long for your phase of life?

 

Can you attach chores/lessons to meals? Breakfast begins after you get dressed and make your bed. Snack is after you finish reading x pages, etc. Outdoor play is after you do math. Are you asking them to do work they CAN do/ have EVER done, or are your expectations set at the level of what you wish they could do or think they should do? I think you have to build up to rigor.

 

Kids are kids. They do what they can get away with. If there is no fall out from ignoring you, they'll keep doing it. STOP making excuses for them and focus on follow-through. Know what will happen if they dont do it, and TELL them beforehand. Send them to brush teeth one at a time, so they're motivated to return to the group, don't send the party off together!

 

 

 

 

ETA: I know how to spell/punctuate, but my iPad does not. Resist the urge to break out the red pen because I know that was awful :-D

Edited January 20, 2012 by KungFuPanda

[kalanamak]

If they don't listen, there has to be a consequence.

 

 

For us, it is loss of a trip to the YMCA. Also, I'm not afraid to be very stern. The rest of the world won't oudle and coudle on them when they don't listen!

And, I strike early. No putting up with a load of it all day and suddenly snapping during "the arsenic hour" (the first hour after hubby gets home).

 

HTH. :grouphug:

[Impish]

I use what I call The Chip Method (it's on my blog, link in my siggie).

 

For us, earning chips for electronic use works beautifully. If your kids have a 'currency', have them earn it.

[kathymuggle]

Everyone has great ideas for me. Sadly, as I realize I've tried most of them, I believe they failed only because I haven't "been the boss" that I should be. I think it's like when your oldest daughter tries to boss everyone around and no one listens? LOL, that's what I've been I think.

 

So, I am considering all the advice about taking charge, and tossing in ideas about the loop schedule (love it!), reinstating our "earn allowance through good behavior" program, etc. and coming up with what I hope is a good game plan. And as I read all your ideas, I think that really, many options would work, as long as the kids take me seriously. Once I get that established, the rest will fall into place easier. Because really, they don't have any problems with authority figures, only me :tongue_smilie:

 

I just need a podcast coach I can plug in my ear all day giving me leadership pep talks! =)

 

This looks good.

 

May I suggest you add in a fun thing daily to your schedule so you and your kids have something fun to look forward to?

 

I would also keep the schedule light in the beginning and build as your family achieves success with focusing. For myself I would do 9-12:30 with one 1/2 break in the middle, to play with the little one, eat, run off steam... A 2-3 block totally devoted to HSing will also enable you to get exciting things done like housework in the afternoon.

Edited January 20, 2012 by kathymuggle

[justamouse]

When you're just starting, it's a huge adjustment, and so you need to create all new habits with them.

 

For a while, you may have to shadow them completely. Be where they are to keep them on task. It will take a while to retain the habits, but eventually you will be able to go do a load of dishes while they ____.

 

Now, if after a few weeks they get it, and you go off to do dishes and they loose it? THEN come the consequences. But you can't give them consequences when they haven't properly learned what's expected of them.

 

Sit and do school together. Look, this is a job. You are it. You have to get in there and do it. BE there, not around there. Only when they get good at it and things start to flow do you let go a bit and see what happens.

 

And, I'm speaking from experience. I totally dropped the ball, I get it. I know how hard it is.

[redsnapper]

Now, if after a few weeks they get it, and you go off to do dishes and they lose it? THEN come the consequences. But you can't give them consequences when they haven't properly learned what's expected of them.

 

Sit and do school together. Look, this is a job. You are it. You have to get in there and do it. BE there, not around there. Only when they get good at it and things start to flow do you let go a bit and see what happens.

 

Be emotionally prepared to not cave and give it to them anyway, because remembering that disappointment is what will make them take you seriously tomorrow.

 

Kids are kids. They do what they can get away with. If there is no fallout from ignoring you, they'll keep doing it. STOP making excuses for them and focus on follow-through. Know what will happen if they don’t do it, and TELL them beforehand. Send them to brush teeth one at a time, so they're motivated to return to the group. Don't send the party off together!

I can teach them school because the first thing I taught them was obedience. Doesn't that sound sassy? I don’t mean it to be, but it is true. There are nine of them and if each went the way they'd like it would be crazy so they had to learn to bend their will to the good of the family.

 

And, forgive me if I add, society has made us question ourselves so much as parents we don’t even see clearly anymore.

 

"Nothing naughty, just not what they were told." But see, not doing what they were told IS naughty.

... "We care for our family because it's our family and I am part of something bigger than just myself. I am valuable NOT because of pay, or because I can be coerced, but because I am a needed, valued, contributing member of this little society." (

 

 

Quoting several of you here, though many more could be posted, too.

 

Thank you all for your words. I appreciate them. Honestly, I especially appreciate the tougher comments. I know I'm failing the kids by letting so much slack, by selfishly focusing on my tasks/time more than theirs. So I need those point-blank reminders of my responsibility. I'm past the point of needing gentleness; I need a wake up.

 

I chose to stay home with my kids rather than have a career. I chose to home school rather than enjoy 6 hours of freedom every day. I chose these things for good reason and I accept that sacrifices are required. There are times, like now, that I need tough love to shape up.

 

I noticed today, as I went to a friend's house with my kids that in company I maintain firm control (as best as anyone can) over the kids; I don't let them get away with stuff, etc. Yet at home, I let them slide all the time. So I had to stop and think why that is. The answer, sadly, is my character. I get bored sometimes sitting with them, so a good book or the computer gets more of my attention. I get distracted by the dirty dishes piled high from last night, so I put my kids in independent mode to appease my desire for a clean counter. I get exhausted from then trying to catch up after hours of letting the kids get away with stuff, so I end the day abruptly, sending them off to free time so I have a moment of sanity & rest. It's all about catching myself in moments of laziness and selfishness.

 

Funny, before starting homeschooling, a good friend with more HS experience, warned me that I'll learn more about my own character than anything in else in HS. Painfully she was right, :tongue_smilie: . The true test of character will be how I handle myself now. And I certainly do not want to fail this test.

 

Pray that I do have the strength to stand up for my family and make a true difference in the kids' lives before they grow up and out of my influence. Because I do believe if I fail them here, it will affect their character as adults.

 

Thanks again, everyone. :grouphug:

Melissa