Where do the ILs stay that come from far away?

[zookeeper]

We've always had a bit of a strained relationship with dh's parents. His mom is queen of saying stupid things. His dad isn't so bad most of the time. Sometimes he'll start saying some of the things MIL has been putting into his head. They came for Thanksgiving and are expected back at Easter. Since their last visit, they've made some incredibly stupid remarks to dh.

 

They live 1000 miles away. Usually come for 2-3 days and stay with us. They always have. Even when we had 3 kids in a 750 sqft apartment. :glare: The thought of their next visit is just sending my skin crawling! They've never agreed with our lifestyle. We have too many kids (7 - we've been getting the V talk since #2) and I really should be working outside the home to help their "poor son" with financially supporting this large family. Dh is a very helpful dh. He often helps around the house with laundry and pick up. He does a lot of the cooking on the weekends because he wants to. Because of that, his dad thinks he needs to let me be "the woman of the house." :001_huh:

 

I know they come from a different generation, but they should just keep their mouths shut! I've finally gotten bold enough to tell them as much in recent years, but it hasn't helped.

 

I really don't want them to stay with us this next visit. I'm just fed up with their comments. I haven't said anything to dh yet. I know he'll say/do whatever I want in this situation so I really want to think about it for a while.

 

Anyway, where do your ILs stay when they come from a distance?

[MHowell]

We've had them stay here sometimes, hotels others.

 

Maybe you and DH could get them a room at a nice local hotel, to 'treat' them to a cozy stay while in town? :tongue_smilie:

[zookeeper]

I guess I should say the closest hotel is going to be about 20mins away and it's NOT going to go over well if we ask them to stay in a hotel. MIL thinks we need to ALL be together ALL the time.

[Impish]

Ugh.

 

My MIL stays w/whatever family member she can impose herself on. Usually a cousin of Wolf's.

 

We house her for a wknd here and there, and even that's not doable anymore.

 

She's announced that she's coming this spring...and the cousins she's planning to stay w/the dh is a chain smoker. MIL has asthma. I fully expect a call from the ER after she gets here, demanding we come get her and house her for her visit (she stays for 6wks at a time :glare:)

 

Problem is, we simply can't. For one, our only bathroom is up a flight of stairs, and she doesn't do stairs well anymore. Two, we don't have the room, period. Baby is in w/us, the Littles share a room, and Diva has her own room. There's nowhere to put anyone to free up a bed.

 

Not to mention my own personal terror that if she gets in here for a visit, she'll never leave. :001_huh:

 

Can you get your dh to recommend a hotel/B&B for them? Claim your kids are contagious? House is being investigated by public health?

[zookeeper]

 

Can you get your dh to recommend a hotel/B&B for them? Claim your kids are contagious? House is being investigated by public health?

 

LOL! It didn't stop them last year when we had scarlet fever and pneumonia in the house.

 

I guess I should be thankful they don't come that long. We're the only family they have here. That's another sore spot with them. Their son married a "foreigner" and moved across country from ALL his family to make her happy.

[GoVanGogh]

All grandparents are divorced.

 

FIL and his new wife visit once a year, as they are traveling through the area in their RV. They stay about 20 minutes away in an RV park and drive here daily. (They tow a car w/them.)

MIL stays here. :glare: I should say, stayed here. DH says he is not allowing her to stay here again, as she said way too many stupid things during her last visit. I don't know if DH will cave at some point and say his mom can stay here again, but it is probably irrelevant. She only came this time because we paid for her plane ticket. A mistake we won't be making again. :lol:

 

My dad would stay at our house.

My mom and step-dad would stay at a hotel. 1.) They are newlyweds and "like their privacy." :tongue_smilie: and 2.) My mom needs a handicap-accessible bathroom, which we do not have.

 

I feel for ya. Nothing like feeling attacked on your home turf.

[GoVanGogh]

Not to mention my own personal terror that if she gets in here for a visit, she'll never leave. :001_huh:

:lol:

My MIL was just telling me about how her daughter was going to build a "MIL suite" on her new house, but there isn't room and now she doesn't know what she will do when she is unable to live alone. I was, like :001_huh: :001_huh: :001_huh:

[lexi]

We have the hotel rule for both our parents. Mine prefer hotel. The in laws don't have a choice. It's worked out well though as we get a break from each other in the evening. I think they enjoy the peace and quiet after being around the kids all day. We started our rule when we got married as the in laws smoke and it kills my DH's asthma. I'm grateful that they accept our rule and have found a reasonably priced hotel that is close.

[Pamela H in Texas]

Well, I would suggest the nearest nice hotel in *your* situation.

 

My own parents came for a surprise visit last week. They suggested they could stay at a hotel, figuring there wouldn't be enough space; but we said they were welcome to stay here. My mom said she'd ask my (step)dad and let us know. They stayed here. It was fine.

 

We did tell them they couldn't move in as CPS has strict rules about where people can sleep. LOL

[Impish]

:lol:

My MIL was just telling me about how her daughter was going to build a "MIL suite" on her new house, but there isn't room and now she doesn't know what she will do when she is unable to live alone. I was, like :001_huh: :001_huh: :001_huh:

I was married for about 5 mins (seriously, had just come back down the aisle!) when MIL grabbed me and burbled, "I'm soooooo glad Wolf married you! Now I won't EVER need to be in a nursing home, YOU can take care of me!"

:blink::eek::svengo:

I'm guessing that she was basing it on my having worked in nursing homes/LTC facilities...the idea that the LAST thing I'd want to do in my off hours is do elder care, or that it was a completely inappropriate thing to say to a brand new bride minutes after exchanging vows simply didn't dawn on her. Cause our marriage was solely about her benefit, yanno. :glare:

 

Now that I'm disabled, she's REALLY ticked off. Tests my disability by yanking on my bad arm every time she's here. I've ruined her plans...deliberately, by her behaviour. Or I'm faking it to shirk responsibility.

[Danestress]

if it's just 2 -3 days. I would feel differently if it were a week or two, but 2 or 3 days is .... almost obligatory. She sounds annoying and rude, and I am glad at least you can sort of tell her so when she makes inappropriate comments.

 

I would have the kids busy with some activities you have to drive them to and let DH stay home with the other kids and the grandparents.

 

But yeah, I know that's not what you want to hear! Just remember, your sons might grow up and marry women who do whatever they want, and you want them to want to have you visit, even when you are annoying. Or pretend to want it:)

[Samiam]

My IL's, who I personally find very annoying for various reasons, stay where they choose to stay. FIL, who is the truly annoying, usually rude, and a huge PITA, prefers to stay at a hotel...because who knows why. Once Christmas, he actually slept in their minivan in our driveway. No lie. In the minivan. MIL slept in the spare bed we had for them. He's such an A$# sometimes. Ugh....ya know what, fine by me...enjoy the minivan, jerk!

 

MIL is not as bad....just annoying in different ways....like always trying to unload the dishwasher but NEVER putting things where they go......please just don't touch the dishes! It will take me a week to find things and put them back where they go.

 

So sometimes if they have the $$, they stay at a hotel. Sometimes they stay with us. DS13 gives up his bed. MIL will always stay with us if she comes alone.

 

I would prefer they not visit at all, most of the time. But I let them stay where they choose to stay. Because one, it's the right thing to do. As long as they don't put my family in danger, or hurt my children in any way, I don't mind if they stay with us. I don't like it, but my children love it. They look forward to Grandma and Grandpa coming, and bust their tails helping me clean for them :). And so that is why I deal with it, as a grownup. I grit my teeth, find some things to do in my room a few times a day to get away, etc etc, but in the end, I treat them the way I would like to be treated when I am someone's MIL. :)

Edited December 27, 2011 by Samiam

[GoVanGogh]

I was married for about 5 mins (seriously, had just come back down the aisle!) when MIL grabbed me and burbled, "I'm soooooo glad Wolf married you! Now I won't EVER need to be in a nursing home, YOU can take care of me!"

:blink::eek::svengo:

I know that really isn't funny, but :lol:

I guess it may be a blessing that my MIL thinks I'm a totally incompetent dolt... :D She couldn't seriously *want* me to take care of her after she has insulted my housekeeping, cooking and money managing abilities for the past 25 years.

 

Now that I'm disabled, she's REALLY ticked off. Tests my disability by yanking on my bad arm every time she's here. I've ruined her plans...deliberately, by her behaviour. Or I'm faking it to shirk responsibility.

:grouphug:

My mom thinks I faked my seizure during my pregnancy in order to have the baby quickly (and prematurely) before she could make it across the country to the hospital. :001_huh:

[zookeeper]

 

but in the end, I treat them the way I would like to be treated when I am someone's MIL. :)

 

In the end, I do think about this kind of thing. BUT I don't plan on being the kind of MIL who checks the oven to make sure it's clean or tells DIL how lazy she is because she "refuses" to work outside the home or tells DIL how much they hate spending time with her family when they come for a visit (my parents used to live in our neighborhood) or argues with DIL about whose responsibility the grandkids are, etc. Care to hear more?

 

They made some rude comments about my appearance to dh after their last visit and are now telling dh he's doing too much around the house to help me out. It was my "choice" to stay home and have all these kids and I should just deal with the consequences of that.

[MinivanMom]

Well, we must be strange, because we have never let extended family stay in our home. We have always suggested nearby hotels and that has never been a problem. We also get a hotel room when we travel to visit family and I would fully expect to do the same when visiting adult children someday.

 

I realize that we each have a different family culture, but I think it's a huge hardship to campout in the home of relatives. Having a hotel room to retire to at the end of the day just gives everyone a little space and breathing room. It makes the whole visit more pleasant, even when there aren't in-law issues.

 

I was married for about 5 mins (seriously, had just come back down the aisle!) when MIL grabbed me and burbled, "I'm soooooo glad Wolf married you! Now I won't EVER need to be in a nursing home, YOU can take care of me!"

:blink::eek::svengo:

I'm guessing that she was basing it on my having worked in nursing homes/LTC facilities...the idea that the LAST thing I'd want to do in my off hours is do elder care, or that it was a completely inappropriate thing to say to a brand new bride minutes after exchanging vows simply didn't dawn on her. Cause our marriage was solely about her benefit, yanno. :glare:

 

Now that I'm disabled, she's REALLY ticked off. Tests my disability by yanking on my bad arm every time she's here. I've ruined her plans...deliberately, by her behaviour. Or I'm faking it to shirk responsibility.

 

:lol:

 

When dh and I were engaged, we were visiting his mother for dinner one evening and got to talking about our plans for the future. Mil listened to us for a while and then broke in tearfully, "What about me? When you talk like this, I think you aren't going to want me to live with you!" Yes, she was upset that our plans for our future marriage were plans for the two of us, rather than the three of us.

 

Dh responded, "Why would you live with us?!" It was the first he learned that her long-term plan was to live with us forever. She and dh would be the happy couple and apparently I was going to be cook/maid who cared for her as she aged. Dh corrected her of that notion very, very quickly.

 

Mil's still bitter about not living with us, though, and is sure that if dh had only married someone else then she could have lived with him forever. :tongue_smilie:

[Samiam]

In the end, I do think about this kind of thing. BUT I don't plan on being the kind of MIL who checks the oven to make sure it's clean or tells DIL how lazy she is because she "refuses" to work outside the home or tells DIL how much they hate spending time with her family when they come for a visit (my parents used to live in our neighborhood) or argues with DIL about whose responsibility the grandkids are, etc. Care to hear more?

 

They made some rude comments about my appearance to dh after their last visit and are now telling dh he's doing too much around the house to help me out. It was my "choice" to stay home and have all these kids and I should just deal with the consequences of that.

 

That's a good point. My MIL is too sweet, to the point where it's kind of annoying, to say anything like that. FIL is a rude A$% would say something like that, but DH would fire it right back at him, as I would. It's common knowledge that FIL is a jerk and we don't normally take it.

 

So I guess your IL's are a bit more verbally abusive. But I wonder why your DH allows them to do that? Why does he not put his foot down on his family and wife's behalf, and tell them they to be more respectful of you and HIS choices, or stay in a hotel?

[Susan C.]

2-3 days, piece of cake, you can bite your tongue for that long. :) Just bake, and find things to do and run errands (and even visit a friend while out if you need to). And expect things to go as they usually do and you won't be disappointed...

 

MIL (passed 8 yrs. ago) couldn't be pleased if I talked or didn't, she had her mind made up I was awful, so there wasn't anything I could ever do about it. I just kept the focus on the kids and I survived. Luckily she worked so visits were never long.

 

My parents always stayed for 2 1/2 weeks...... and the one time we suggested they stay in a hotel (after dd was born, we were in a tiny house) they didn't come. My dad has passed and we moved to where mom has a friend, so when she comes, she stays a week here and a week with her friend. And it is actually fun now.

[zookeeper]

That's a good point. My MIL is too sweet, to the point where it's kind of annoying, to say anything like that. FIL is a rude A$% would say something like that, but DH would fire it right back at him, as I would. It's common knowledge that FIL is a jerk and we don't normally take it.

 

So I guess your IL's are a bit more verbally abusive. But I wonder why your DH allows them to do that? Why does he not put his foot down on his family and wife's behalf, and tell them they to be more respectful of you and HIS choices, or stay in a hotel?

 

For the first many years, MIL would only say these kinds of things when dh wasn't around. He had trouble believing they were true. He finally agreed to never leave me alone with them when possible. It's not always possible and things can still be said on occasion. I quit answering the phone when they called, especially if dh wasn't here so they couldn't say things then.

 

Dh is very much NOT a boat rocker. He doesn't like people to be upset with him and tries to handle things diplomatically which doesn't seem to register with some people. lol! I think MIL is just lonely. She desperately wants people to like her but her mouth gets in the way. She has LOTS of "friends" but I wonder how many are very close? I know she alienates most people at some point. Family have to put up with her, I guess. I'm just tired of putting up with her in my house. I'd like some down time in the mornings/evenings while we're getting around or getting ready for bed.

 

I don't serve the right kind of food. She SAYS she's low carb so she won't eat my homemade biscuits in the morning but she'll eat two of her VERY large rice krispie treats while we're watching a movie at night. I'm just tired of it! Usually I enjoy the nice long break between their visits and steel myself for the next one, but the comments just keep coming this time. I told dh we should have him just wait on my hand and foot the next time they come, just to be snarky. :lol:

[GoVanGogh]

But I wonder why your DH allows them to do that? Why does he not put his foot down on his family and wife's behalf, and tell them they to be more respectful of you and HIS choices, or stay in a hotel?

Not to answer for the OP, but in my own problems with a verbally abusive MIL:

When my DH is around his mother, he turns into a helpless 10-year-old boy. It has taken 25 years of marriage for my DH to realize this, no idea how long it will take for him to actually be able to overcome it.

This last visit, he actually had to pull my MIL out of our master bathroom, as she had followed me into master bedroom, then bathroom, to berate me. I hope that may have been a turning point in their relationship, but I don't know.

As it stands, she can stay at a hotel. I won't tolerate having a critical house guest following me around.

:grouphug: to the OP.

[zookeeper]

2-3 days, piece of cake, you can bite your tongue for that long. :) Just bake, and find things to do and run errands (and even visit a friend while out if you need to). And expect things to go as they usually do and you won't be disappointed...

 

MIL (passed 8 yrs. ago) couldn't be pleased if I talked or didn't, she had her mind made up I was awful, so there wasn't anything I could ever do about it. I just kept the focus on the kids and I survived. Luckily she worked so visits were never long.

 

My parents always stayed for 2 1/2 weeks...... and the one time we suggested they stay in a hotel (after dd was born, we were in a tiny house) they didn't come. My dad has passed and we moved to where mom has a friend, so when she comes, she stays a week here and a week with her friend. And it is actually fun now.

 

I can't leave the house without her wanting to come too. She actually thinks we need to all be together all the time. They don't get to see us very often and don't want to miss a minute. If we need to run errands, then they want all of us to go and lets stop for lunch/dinner while we're at it because 7 kids in a restaurant is just so much fun. :glare:

[zookeeper]

Another example - 2years ago we asked them not to come for Thanksgiving. We were expecting a baby the first part of Nov (which usually means about 10 days later for us). Well, Oct 5th, my mother was diagnosed with brain cancer. She was supposed to have surgery on the 14th but had a life threatening reaction to her seizure medicine. She was in ICU for a week. Baby ended up being born on Oct 23rd (can you say stress?) Mom ended up having brain surgery on Nov 18th. Thanksgiving was the the next week.

 

Well, she still cries (literally) about that holiday. How we wouldn't let her come see her grandkids. How selfish we were. :confused:

[MamaT]

I think you need to find them a hotel nearby. Let your dh handle it. My MIL is not welcome at our home anymore. She insults/demeans my children and makes racist remarks. My dds are adopted and are black. That did not fly here.

[Lisbeth]

Obligatory? Not in my universe. I don' t tolerate rude people in my house. I read (here?) that shared DNA is not the eqivalent of diplomatic immunity, and I agree 100%. The obligation to family thing gives people a free pass to be giant jerks. I don't bite my tongue - I just don't.

[Guest]

Another example - 2years ago we asked them not to come for Thanksgiving. We were expecting a baby the first part of Nov (which usually means about 10 days later for us). Well, Oct 5th, my mother was diagnosed with brain cancer. She was supposed to have surgery on the 14th but had a life threatening reaction to her seizure medicine. She was in ICU for a week. Baby ended up being born on Oct 23rd (can you say stress?) Mom ended up having brain surgery on Nov 18th. Thanksgiving was the the next week.

 

Well, she still cries (literally) about that holiday. How we wouldn't let her come see her grandkids. How selfish we were. :confused:

 

I can understand why she cried about it.

 

I think you need to find them a hotel nearby. Let your dh handle it. My MIL is not welcome at our home anymore. She insults/demeans my children and makes racist remarks. My dds are adopted and are black. That did not fly here.

 

WHAT?!?! How terrible!!!!

[zookeeper]

I can understand why she cried about it.

 

 

 

 

Really? :confused: I can understand being disappointed but considering what was going on in my life at the time, a visit from ANYBODY was the last thing I needed. She's still crying about it over 2 years later!

[Lisa in the UP of MI]

My IL's rent a house when they come, but they still have four kids at home that they bring with them. My parents stay in a hotel because it is too hard on them to sleep on the couches.

[Pink Fairy]

Ours prefer a hotel, and that's fine with us. Gives them a place to go when they need a break from all the action.

[Rosie_0801]

I have a policy of living no further than 2 hours away from the inlaws, so they won't want to stay on the rare occasions they visit.

 

When my mum is here, she sleeps in dd's bed. When Mum brings her partner, as she usually does, they stay with a friend about half an hour away.

 

Rosie

[Brilliant]

OK, since many of you have said that staying in a hotel is OK/preferable, what would you do in this situation? We have some relatives who've always stayed with us (we have a guest room). But, I just can't host them anymore. I really *can't* - I honestly thought dh would have to take me to the emergency room last time they were here, because of a panic attack.

 

So I've been practicing saying, "Oh, we'd love to see you! But we can't host you this time. Here are the best hotel options..." And if they ask "why", I'm practicing, "Oh, we couldn't possibly!" (yes, I learned that one here on this board. :) )

 

Dh thinks there will be fallout...I think it can't possibly be worse than a visit. Can I do this? We have hosted them twice a year for the last several years.

[zookeeper]

OK, since many of you have said that staying in a hotel is OK/preferable, what would you do in this situation? We have some relatives who've always stayed with us (we have a guest room). But, I just can't host them anymore. I really *can't* - I honestly thought dh would have to take me to the emergency room last time they were here, because of a panic attack.

 

So I've been practicing saying, "Oh, we'd love to see you! But we can't host you this time. Here are the best hotel options..." And if they ask "why", I'm practicing, "Oh, we couldn't possibly!" (yes, I learned that one here on this board. :) )

 

Dh thinks there will be fallout...I think it can't possibly be worse than a visit. Can I do this? We have hosted them twice a year for the last several years.

 

Sounds about like our situation.

[Pink Fairy]

OK, since many of you have said that staying in a hotel is OK/preferable, what would you do in this situation? We have some relatives who've always stayed with us (we have a guest room). But, I just can't host them anymore. I really *can't* - I honestly thought dh would have to take me to the emergency room last time they were here, because of a panic attack.

 

So I've been practicing saying, "Oh, we'd love to see you! But we can't host you this time. Here are the best hotel options..." And if they ask "why", I'm practicing, "Oh, we couldn't possibly!" (yes, I learned that one here on this board. :) )

 

Dh thinks there will be fallout...I think it can't possibly be worse than a visit. Can I do this? We have hosted them twice a year for the last several years.

 

That's going to be tough! I think your dh is right, there will be fallout. But--oh well. You can only do what you are able to do, and if things are so difficult that you are having panic attacks during these visits, you CAN'T do it anymore. Period. Whatever the fallout. :grouphug:

[GoVanGogh]

OK, since many of you have said that staying in a hotel is OK/preferable, what would you do in this situation? We have some relatives who've always stayed with us (we have a guest room). But, I just can't host them anymore. I really *can't* - I honestly thought dh would have to take me to the emergency room last time they were here, because of a panic attack.

Get rid of the guest room. :D

Or take over a corner of the guest room as an exercise room or school room, so that you can easily and honestly say that the space is no longer available.

I have also said re: playdates that I just don't have the time or energy right now to host. Yes, it did make one person mad to the point she refused to talk to be afterward, but it did confirm my feelings that she was using me and didn't really care about the playdate itself.

 

Really? :confused: I can understand being disappointed but considering what was going on in my life at the time, a visit from ANYBODY was the last thing I needed. She's still crying about it over 2 years later!

I don't understand why she would bring it up after the initial disappointment, either. Anything after that is just being manipulative.

 

Dh is very much NOT a boat rocker. He doesn't like people to be upset with him and tries to handle things diplomatically which doesn't seem to register with some people.

My DH is the same way. He told me this time, "I just want you both to be happy and I don't know what to do or say to make that happen." I don't know, either, but when she follows me into the bathroom to tell me how wrong I am - there probably isn't anything that can be said or done to make us both happy. :lol:

[Brilliant]

Sounds about like our situation.

 

I'm worried because we actually have the room. (If I read your post correctly, you guys don't have a lot of extra space). So it feels like pure meanness on my part to say "Sorry but you can't stay in our empty guest room". :001_unsure:

 

I'm ready to move to a much smaller house just to avoid this situation.

[jhschool]

It's horrible that your MIL tells you you had too many kids!

Is she crazy? Your kids are the best thing in the world--how

dare she say that?

And your husband helps around the house? He sounds great!

I wish I had 7 kids--I do have a husband that helps tons.

You should TAKE OVER your guest room and make it into

a SCHOOLROOM and get rid of the beds in there or put them

in the basement and let your MIL know that "We converted our

guest room into a schoolroom because the children's education

is very important."

I feel bad for you--there is nothing like obnoxious ILs (well,

obnoxious parents are bad too!)

 

------

[Rosie_0801]

OK, since many of you have said that staying in a hotel is OK/preferable, what would you do in this situation? We have some relatives who've always stayed with us (we have a guest room). But, I just can't host them anymore. I really *can't* - I honestly thought dh would have to take me to the emergency room last time they were here, because of a panic attack.

 

So I've been practicing saying, "Oh, we'd love to see you! But we can't host you this time. Here are the best hotel options..." And if they ask "why", I'm practicing, "Oh, we couldn't possibly!" (yes, I learned that one here on this board. :) )

 

I use the line about none of us getting any sleep if Mum and her partner stay here. That's an issue close to her heart. ;)

 

Dh thinks there will be fallout...I think it can't possibly be worse than a visit. Can I do this?

 

Yeah there will be fallout. No, you don't have to listen to it. If they are upset enough, they won't come at all. Dh's parents pulled that on us one Christmas and haven't tried it again. :lol: Yes you can do it if you want to. You try and put it politely, but if people keep asking why and refuse to accept your polite excuses, whose fault is it if they hear something they don't like?

 

Rosie

[DawnM]

My ILs never come, period. They expect us to go there and when we don't we hear all kinds of manipulative comments from his mother. I have learned to just ignore her comments when I am not in her presence.

 

My parents stay at a local missions' housing apartment complex here in town. It is really nice. They can get a very small 2 bedroom apartment (maybe 600 sq. ft.) for $30/night including tax. They stay for 4-6 weeks so it works out nicely.

 

They borrow our 3rd car although I am not sure what we will do in the future since that car is falling apart and my dad really should not drive much longer.

 

Dawn

[Harriet Vane]

A contrary thought--it's only 2-3 days, right? Rather than sending them away and dealing with the fallout from that, what about creating a way for YOU to get a break? Can YOU leave the house sometimes? It might be easier in the long run to just put up with the visit. Just a thought.

[zookeeper]

It's horrible that your MIL tells you you had too many kids!

Is she crazy? Your kids are the best thing in the world--how

dare she say that?

And your husband helps around the house? He sounds great!

I wish I had 7 kids--I do have a husband that helps tons.

You should TAKE OVER your guest room and make it into

a SCHOOLROOM and get rid of the beds in there or put them

in the basement and let your MIL know that "We converted our

guest room into a schoolroom because the children's education

is very important."

I feel bad for you--there is nothing like obnoxious ILs (well,

obnoxious parents are bad too!)

 

------

 

We don't have a guest room. They sleep on a blow up mattress on the living room floor (with all their suitcases falling all over the place.)

[zookeeper]

A contrary thought--it's only 2-3 days, right? Rather than sending them away and dealing with the fallout from that, what about creating a way for YOU to get a break? Can YOU leave the house sometimes? It might be easier in the long run to just put up with the visit. Just a thought.

 

That would be a nice thought but would probably be just as painful as just telling them they can't stay here. They've only ever "babysat" the grandkids once when we asked. We weren't out the door 5 mins when they put them down for a nap. They've never offered to let us get some time alone while they're here. MIL wants ALL of us to be together the WHOLE time.

[zookeeper]

I'm worried because we actually have the room. (If I read your post correctly, you guys don't have a lot of extra space). So it feels like pure meanness on my part to say "Sorry but you can't stay in our empty guest room". :001_unsure:

 

I'm ready to move to a much smaller house just to avoid this situation.

 

I can see where that would be a problem. lol! We don't really have the extra space. Never have frankly, but that doesn't stop them.

[JVA]

I didn't read all of the responses you've gotten...but take it from an 'older' married woman (32 years and counting) -

Your dh needs to take the lead with his own parents.

-Since they are disrespectful

-since there really isn't room

-He needs to tell them HOW things will work ie: hotel

 

Their response/reaction is NOT your responsibility. They can choose to be miffed or grateful to see you. It's your family and your set the terms.

There should be a portion of every wedding ceremony about BOUNDARIES with in-laws (out-laws:lol: - believe me, BTDT)

Hope it goes well !!

[amey311]

My mom: stays here (and usually brings my grandmother who also stays here - they usually come for a week)

 

My dad and step-mom: stay here (my dad's been out here alone once, and with my step-mom once. when they both came, they were only here for 3 days, but they're good guests and I could handle a longer visit)

 

MIL and Step-FIL: when she comes alone, she'll stay here. When they come together, they (read: He) prefers to stay elsewhere - either a hotel or the AFB if there's room. We have stairs and I think they're a little rough for him sometimes. Usually here for a week

 

FIL and the shrew: when he comes alone, he stays here. When they come together, they stay in a timeshare somewhere. That's the current reason why they can't come visit - because she can't find an affordable TS in the area at at time of year when they want to come (the first year they came, she bragged about the deal she got - 4th of July weekend in Phoenix. She refused to believe us that it would be around 110F every day. I sometimes wonder if she's still angry at me for being right, or that I rigged the weather) DH regularly campaigns for his dad to come out alone. I really wish he would - he's a great guy. Maybe we need to offer to pay for his ticket. *sigh*

 

 

ETA: guests stay in Thing 1's room and he gets bumped to sharing with Thing 2. So, we have the room, but we get it by giving someone the boot. There is room in Thing 2's room for them both to sleep comfortably.

[Susan C.]

OK everyone practice with me. :)

 

WE HAVE OTHER PLANS

 

This doesn't work if you get into explaining. You are only allowed to add:

 

WE ARE NOT AVAILABLE

 

It works for me because I will not have any company when homeschool is in session. I will kind of be in trouble soon, we are graduating our youngest this spring!

 

Good luck all! I do have stories, but most of the offenders have died.

[kalanamak]

Ours prefer a hotel, and that's fine with us. Gives them a place to go when they need a break from all the action.

 

 

I'd be tempted to stage a really horrible battle between all the kids. Or some really intolerable indoor play. :D

[Pink Fairy]

Ha! No staging necessary, unfortunately. :D The in-laws are in their late 70's, so even if the kids are absolutely perfect the five of them can be a bit much for old people nerves. Honestly, some days I wish I had a hotel room on standby just for me. :tongue_smilie:

[Laura Corin]

My mother and my stepmother (separately!) stay there when they visit. Mother usually comes for a week; stepmother for a long weekend. My FIL doesn't travel any more, but my in-laws stayed in hotels when they used to visit - their choice.

 

Laura

[Zebra]

I'm not sure if you don't want to upset the IL's or what....but I mean, they are already mad at you (all the nasty comments) will telling them they need to stay in a hotel make it any worse? With mine, I finally realized they were always mad about SOMETHING :lol:!!!

 

I don't think you have to have guests stay in your house, ever. For me, my home is my castle and I don't want people staying here, PARTICULARLY people who are mean. I also do no stay at other people's houses, I feel that it is better for my relationships to have my own space.

 

Just tell them nicely that they need to stay in a hotel next time they visit. Do not offer any sort of excuse, they will just argue with you about it. And they will be mad at you about it, but just think of them as a 2 year old having a tantrum. Let them be mad, and stay firm and calm about it.

 

You are allowed to have boundaries, whether the IL's like it or not.

 

HONESTLY, probably if they stay in a hotel you will get a break from them at times and will probably be a far more patient and cheerful hostess, so you are doing it for their sake too!!!

[coffeegal]

Family usually finds somewhere else to stay even though we do make the offer for them to stay here. They mention something about 6 kids, a small house, and the kids up by 5 am make it unappealing. :001_huh:

[zookeeper]

I'm not sure if you don't want to upset the IL's or what....but I mean, they are already mad at you (all the nasty comments) will telling them they need to stay in a hotel make it any worse? With mine, I finally realized they were always mad about SOMETHING :lol:!!!

 

 

 

They're not exactly *mad*. They just stupid, unkind things because they don't think before they speak. I talked with dh about it last night and he's on the same page. He said he doesn't want them to come this next time. I told him that I hope they like beef because they're going to have a cow! :lol: He's hoping to plan our anniversary trip around the time they would've come.

[SweetMissMagnolia]

We've had them stay here sometimes, hotels others.

 

Maybe you and DH could get them a room at a nice local hotel, to 'treat' them to a cozy stay while in town? :tongue_smilie:

:iagree: