S/O - Courting?

[SJ.]

Just curious - what is courting? What is the difference between courting and dating? Did you court as a teen? Do you expect your children to court instead of date? Is this a regional thing? Specific religion/denomination thing? How do contracts play into courting?

 

The thread about courting advice has piqued my interest. I have never heard of courting, other than in relation to the distant past. Thanks for enlightening me!

[Mergath]

From what I've been able to glean from random threads around here, it's where you marry some guy you barely know because your dad thinks he's a nice young man.

 

As you can tell, I'm not a fan.

[ThatCyndiGirl]

From what I've been able to glean from random threads around here, it's where you marry some guy you barely know because your dad thinks he's a nice young man.

 

As you can tell, I'm not a fan.

 

:lol: Well, it IS a throw-back to a time of 'yore' when men/women showed interest in each other and basically dated in a different way. There has been an odd glamorization of 'all things old are new again' as if courting is somehow better than dating. Dating seems to equal whoring around with any guy you meet whereas courting is honouring a god and/or your parents with wise decisions. I have known plenty of kids who dated with forethought and wisdom and while respecting themselves and others.

 

They are not mutually exclusive.

[ChristyB in TN]

I think it is where people hang out around the house instead of dating? I have always assumed it is mainly in the fundamentalist/religious areas and it is a simple form of dating without any alone time for the couple.

[NanceXToo]

I think it is where people hang out around the house instead of dating? I have always assumed it is mainly in the fundamentalist/religious areas and it is a simple form of dating without any alone time for the couple.

 

That's how I think of it. That it is more old fashioned, more with the parent's approval and permission, that the young people spend a lot more time seeing each other at the family home, in church and at church gatherings etc, and gradually as they become more serious and the parents approve of them and trust them maybe they'd be allowed to go have a picnic together or something, and it's all with the intention of being something serious, but it's not the sort of rapid fire boy meets girl boy takes girl to movies dinner bar and eventually maybe to meet parents and just sort of see how it goes we might think of as dating today.

[MamaSheep]

In the circles where I hear it, dating basically means casually having dinner, going to movies, bowling, or whatever with a member of the opposite sex with whom you are friendly, just for fun and to get better acquainted. It's a friendship kind of thing, not an exclusive committed relationship. Courting means seriously and exclusively pursuing a deeper relationship with someone with the intent of marrying that person.

[Parrothead]

I think it is nice in a way but the logistics seem odd to me. I think it can only work with a very young couple. If Sally is 26, graduated college, working and making good money when she meets Bob who is 30 there might be a bit of trouble in any relationship they want when she tell him that they can't be alone or even go on a picnic without her parents say-so. Bob will probably run very far very fast.

[NicAnn]

What MamaSheep said. It also looks different for each family. Some don't allow the kids out of the house, some don't allow a date without a chaperon, and some let the kids date on their own or in groups.

 

Parrothead- I see what you are saying, but that situation wouldn't happen often because usually the couples meet in the same church/religion and they hold the same beliefs. When DD begins to date, she will likely (hopefully) find a young man in our Hall to get to know.

[Plucky]

I think it is nice in a way but the logistics seem odd to me. I think it can only work with a very young couple. If Sally is 26, graduated college, working and making good money when she meets Bob who is 30 there might be a bit of trouble in any relationship they want when she tell him that they can't be alone or even go on a picnic without her parents say-so. Bob will probably run very far very fast.

 

Have you seen Arranged? It is a really cute movie about 2 professional women that are looking for husbands in a traditional way. One is Jewish and the other Muslim. It is very sweet. It's not for us, but I can see why some would do it.

[Ester Maria]

From what I've been able to glean from random threads around here, it's where you marry some guy you barely know because your dad thinks he's a nice young man.

You forgot the "and a good socioeconomic fit" part. :tongue_smilie:

 

On a more serious note, the way I understand it, the principal difference is in the *spontaneity*.

Courtship is not spontaneous. It is a planned, premeditated activity - one meets another with a specific goal of estimating whether they are prospective marriage partners. The idea is that the relationship between men and women are too important and too dangerous, in a way, to be left to case and spontaneity. Traditionally, society was a lot more gender-segregated, it was difficult for young people to have a platform to meet and spontaneously form relationships. So, other people were involved in the process - typically somebody was suggesting prospective marriage partners and initiated the contact (parents, matchmakers, whonot), then the couple courted to see whether they are a good fit, the process still being to some extent overseen by others involved.

Dating is a spontaneous activity, which tends to grow "organically" from already knowing one another and wishing to further it. This type of opposite gender friendships spontaneously growing into committed relationships is a fairly new thing, historically, at least as a mass phenomenon, because guys mingle more with girls naturally today (via coeducational institutions, more liberal society, etc.). And of course, there are those who see various problems arising as a result of that, or who do not approve of that level of spontaneous mingling in a society, and prefer a more traditional approach to the whole thing, so they opt to court.

[simka2]

When I hear of courting in the US, it is a very specific type that comes to mind.

 

Mostly, the girl does not show interest. If the boy is interested he approaches girls father. Girls father then say's he will think about it. If dad is ok with it he asks dd, if dd is not dad goes back to boy and say's, "No." That way girl is protected from having to hurt boys feelings :glare:. If dad and girl are amiable the couple proceeds to get to know one another in mixed company. All the time moving towards marriage.

 

I think this came from a youth pastor in Pensecola named Richard Criscoe? Shortly after the book I Kissed Dating Goodbye came out.

 

Although dh and I did this, I do not agree with it. Also, we had to do an abbreviated version because we were in College already and my father is not in the picture.

 

I do not want my children to do this.

[TravelingChris]

It is also very hard to do when your kids are away at college. My kids don't seem to get interested in the opposite sex until they are around 17. For my two older ones, this was either when they were already in college or just about to go. Furthermore, my dh is active duty military. He just isn't around to okay or not okay some relationship. We encourage regular dating and getting to know someone.

[Laurie4b]

That is true of certain ethnic and religious groups in this country, for instance, many Muslim and Hindu families arrange a marriage with a man or woman from the home country. It doesn't seem to be disaster for them. Are you mocking that?

[SJ.]

That is true of certain ethnic and religious groups in this country, for instance, many Muslim and Hindu families arrange a marriage with a man or woman from the home country. It doesn't seem to be disaster for them. Are you mocking that?

 

I most certainly am not mocking anything, was that question directed at me (the OP)? I am genuinely curious about what it means to court someone. I am assuming it is different than an arranged marriage otherwise I would see posts here at WTM talking about arranging marriages for their dc versus courting.

[Laurie4b]

I Kissed Dating Good-bye by Joshua Harris is one book that popularized courtship. Specifics vary, but the intent is to replace dating with something more intentional and to avoid "serial dating" where couples pair off for a while, then break-up, then pair off with someone else, break-up, etc. It's to avoid the damage that the latter western dating pattern often entails. So in courtship, there is the upfront acknowledgment that the relationship is to see whether marriage is the right thing for the couple or not. In all variants that I know of, parents are more intensely involved than in western style dating. Specifics can vary from parent-initiated courtship (dad finds a suitable young man) but that is much less common than couple-initiated courtship with heavy parental involvement in advice-giving, rules for chaperoning, rules for where the couple can be together, etc. Some parents involved are more flexible and provide wisdom but not control; at the other end of the spectrum are others are controlling and rigid, and who hope to avoid both premarital sex and a bad match by their micromanagement.

[Parrothead]

What MamaSheep said. It also looks different for each family. Some don't allow the kids out of the house, some don't allow a date without a chaperon, and some let the kids date on their own or in groups.

 

Parrothead- I see what you are saying, but that situation wouldn't happen often because usually the couples meet in the same church/religion and they hold the same beliefs. When DD begins to date, she will likely (hopefully) find a young man in our Hall to get to know.

As I said "young." If she graduates college (assuming she is going), is working in her career field, and the job moves her two states away, it would be doubtful.

 

Not to say that it can't be done. But I think the logistics would be a night mare.

[Parrothead]

Have you seen Arranged? It is a really cute movie about 2 professional women that are looking for husbands in a traditional way. One is Jewish and the other Muslim. It is very sweet. It's not for us, but I can see why some would do it.

No, I've not seen it. Do the women characters do the courting model or the truer to their religious tradition of actual arranged marriages?

 

I do think there is a large difference between arranged marriages and the courting model for finding a spouse.

[Laurie4b]

I most certainly am not mocking anything, was that question directed at me (the OP)? I am genuinely curious about what it means to court someone. I am assuming it is different than an arranged marriage otherwise I would see posts here at WTM talking about arranging marriages for their dc versus courting.

 

No. My question about mocking was in response to Mergath's post.

 

I responded to your post below.

[Parrothead]

You forgot the "and a good socioeconomic fit" part. :tongue_smilie:

 

On a more serious note, the way I understand it, the principal difference is in the *spontaneity*.

Courtship is not spontaneous. It is a planned, premeditated activity - one meets another with a specific goal of estimating whether they are prospective marriage partners. The idea is that the relationship between men and women are too important and too dangerous, in a way, to be left to case and spontaneity. Traditionally, society was a lot more gender-segregated, it was difficult for young people to have a platform to meet and spontaneously form relationships. So, other people were involved in the process - typically somebody was suggesting prospective marriage partners and initiated the contact (parents, matchmakers, whonot), then the couple courted to see whether they are a good fit, the process still being to some extent overseen by others involved.

Dating is a spontaneous activity, which tends to grow "organically" from already knowing one another and wishing to further it. This type of opposite gender friendships spontaneously growing into committed relationships is a fairly new thing, historically, at least as a mass phenomenon, because guys mingle more with girls naturally today (via coeducational institutions, more liberal society, etc.). And of course, there are those who see various problems arising as a result of that, or who do not approve of that level of spontaneous mingling in a society, and prefer a more traditional approach to the whole thing, so they opt to court.

Also courting was somewhat needed because the women of the time were seen as the property of first their father then their husbands. Very few women lived alone without the "protection" of a male presence.

[Plucky]

No, I've not seen it. Do the women characters do the courting model or the truer to their religious tradition of actual arranged marriages?

 

I do think there is a large difference between arranged marriages and the courting model for finding a spouse.

 

I think more arranged model, but they do get to meet potential spouses first. It's amazing that any woman would put up with it, but they are both very devout.

[Parrothead]

When I hear of courting in the US, it is a very specific type that comes to mind.

 

Mostly, the girl does not show interest. If the boy is interested he approaches girls father. Girls father then say's he will think about it. If dad is ok with it he asks dd, if dd is not dad goes back to boy and say's, "No." That way girl is protected from having to hurt boys feelings :glare:. If dad and girl are amiable the couple proceeds to get to know one another in mixed company. All the time moving towards marriage.

 

I think this came from a youth pastor in Pensecola named Richard Criscoe? Shortly after the book I Kissed Dating Goodbye came out.

 

Although dh and I did this, I do not agree with it. Also, we had to do an abbreviated version because we were in College already and my father is not in the picture.

 

I do not want my children to do this.

This is interesting to hear from someone who was part of the courting process. Thanks for posting your story.

[Parrothead]

That is true of certain ethnic and religious groups in this country, for instance, many Muslim and Hindu families arrange a marriage with a man or woman from the home country. It doesn't seem to be disaster for them. Are you mocking that?

I think the arranged marriage and the courting model for dating are apples and oranges.

 

I do not know about arranged marriages today, but historically in arranged marriages neither the bride or groom have any say in who they marry. This is not the same when one is courting

[Lady Florida.]

I think the arranged marriage and the courting model for dating are apples and oranges.

 

 

 

:iagree: I disagree with both, but they are not at all the same thing.

[Parrothead]

I think more arranged model, but they do get to meet potential spouses first. It's amazing that any woman would put up with it, but they are both very devout.

I think it has a lot to do with their culture. In the cultures that participate in arranged marriages the people know from infancy that one will not marry for love. I find it quite abhorrent due to the fact that the father can marry off his daughter(s) to anyone. Often women are still seen as property.

[Parrothead]

:iagree: I disagree with both, but they are not at all the same thing.

I do not totally disagree with the courting model. I think there are some good points, especially for younger women looking for a husband right out of high school or possibly if she is going to college locally.

 

But for a career minded woman I do not think courting can be used to it's fullest potential, and could even seriously backfire.

[Ellie]

I was just reading about what courting looked like in 1881, in a book on social behavior written then. It was not the way that many Christian homeschoolers have defined it, wherein girls live at home without ever socializing alone with boys; the book specifically said that ladies and gentlemen should "date" (they didn't use that word, but that's what was described) multiple other ladies and gentlemen, and never focus on one person unless there was marriage in mind. That was courting: seeing one person exclusively, even after having attended many social activities with others.

[RainySunday]

When dh and were in college, we decided to consider our relationship "courting" instead of "dating." We made that choice for a couple of reasons. The main reason was that dh had been in a couple of very bad dating relationships previously (in high school), that had left quite a few emotional scars, the result of which he decided not to "date" through college. We knew we were spending time together with the intent of marrying, so we felt courting was a better fit. Admittedly, for us, it was just a matter of semantics. We had my parents permission/approval, but not his, we spent time alone together (and with others) and we showed physical affection for one another (but waited for marriage for the rest).

 

Courting, our version of it, is what worked for us. It wasn't overly drawn out either. We met in September, began courting at the end of January, were engaged in mid-March, and Married in August. Six+ years later, we are very happy together.

[PeacefulChaos]

Just curious - what is courting? What is the difference between courting and dating? Did you court as a teen? Do you expect your children to court instead of date? Is this a regional thing? Specific religion/denomination thing? How do contracts play into courting?

 

The thread about courting advice has piqued my interest. I have never heard of courting, other than in relation to the distant past. Thanks for enlightening me!

 

My understanding of courting is, rather than a guy and girl just dating for fun - going to the movies, hanging out, etc - they always do so in the presence of their family/families and do so with the intent of eventually getting married?

Idk. I'm a 100% conservative Christian and I just don't get it. DH and I didn't 'court' (kind of impossible, isn't it, when you are in college?) and I don't expect my kids to. I want them to be responsible daters, and would prefer they do most in groups and not one on one - especially as teenagers. And I would like for anyone they date 'seriously' to be comfortable with us, and us with them. But courting just seems...idk, pointless. It doesn't sound THAT much different than logical, responsible dating to me. Just with a fancy, old fashioned word attached.

[MamaSheep]

I was just reading about what courting looked like in 1881, in a book on social behavior written then. It was not the way that many Christian homeschoolers have defined it, wherein girls live at home without ever socializing alone with boys; the book specifically said that ladies and gentlemen should "date" (they didn't use that word, but that's what was described) multiple other ladies and gentlemen, and never focus on one person unless there was marriage in mind. That was courting: seeing one person exclusively, even after having attended many social activities with others.

 

This is what I was trying to describe, and how the terms are used by people I know who use them. I don't know anyone who associates parental approval or participation/presence with either term. Young people decide for themselves who to "date" (ie. attend a social activity with for fun) and who to "court" (ie. pursue exclusively with the intent of marriage), but there's an implication that just because a guy asks a girl out for a "date" that doesn't mean they should be viewed as an exclusive couple, or that he's "cheating on her" if he asks another girl out the next weekend. It's an activity, not a commitment. If he starts asking the same girl out all the time without asking anyone else out, introduce each other to their families, start attending each other's family gatherings regularly and so forth, then it's more reasonable to view them as a courting couple, which carries different expectations. Still, they're not engaged, just courting, and it's perfectly reasonable for them to decide it's not a fit and part ways, no harm no foul. If they get to the point of engagement, it's a bit more awkward if one of them ends the relationship, but it's not the same as abandoning a spouse. The terms describe a rational progression of relationship from friendly dating (non-exclusively attending social activities together), to courting (exclusive dating), to engaged, to married, to sexually intimate.

 

But since a lot of people these days seem to use the term "dating" for everything from having coffee with someone, to casual sex with acquaintances, to living together unmarried, to communicating frequently online, it's sometimes helpful to have a more specific terminology for when someone is pursuing a marriage prospect in a serious way.

[Trish]

I think it is nice in a way but the logistics seem odd to me. I think it can only work with a very young couple. If Sally is 26, graduated college, working and making good money when she meets Bob who is 30 there might be a bit of trouble in any relationship they want when she tell him that they can't be alone or even go on a picnic without her parents say-so. Bob will probably run very far very fast.

 

Interesting! But, then wouldn't it be inappropriate for a teens who might be too young to make a decision about marriage because they've hardly met many people, and have a lot of growing to do themselves? So maybe the ONLY appropriate time would be early twenties?

[Mergath]

No. My question about mocking was in response to Mergath's post.

 

I responded to your post below.

 

I disagree strongly with the idea of marrying someone you don't know well because your parents like him/her. That's not mocking, it's just common sense. Many people in the cultures you mentioned have been moving away from that system for a reason.

[angela in ohio]

The girls I've seen who courted actually knew much more about the young man than I ever knew about men I dated. They got to see them in the context of family and church life (both families spend a lot of time together,) as opposed to just the fun of movies and dinner. They have conversations with their family and the young man of topics I didn't ever think to ask during dating: family, finances, etc.

 

OP, it's really hard to define here because there is such a WIDE range of definitions for that word. What some people describe as courting looks just like how I dated, and what some people do in dating looks more like courting. Usually the use of the word denotes some type of thoughtful process and an end goal of a successful marriage (and - usually - a commitment to some type of purity.)

 

We aren't going to call what our dc do courting, but that's just because it's such a lightning rod. The girls have already made decisions to not date until they are in college, and then to involve dh and I heavily. It just makes sense to have all the help you can from trusted advisers when you are making one of the biggest decisions of your life.

[Parrothead]

I was just reading about what courting looked like in 1881, in a book on social behavior written then. It was not the way that many Christian homeschoolers have defined it, wherein girls live at home without ever socializing alone with boys; the book specifically said that ladies and gentlemen should "date" (they didn't use that word, but that's what was described) multiple other ladies and gentlemen, and never focus on one person unless there was marriage in mind. That was courting: seeing one person exclusively, even after having attended many social activities with others.

True. It did not do a young lady's reputation any good to dance with one gentleman for more than 2 dances in an evening. A proper young lady kept things light and her dance card was filled with many different names.

[NicAnn]

As I said "young." If she graduates college (assuming she is going), is working in her career field, and the job moves her two states away, it would be doubtful.

 

Not to say that it can't be done. But I think the logistics would be a night mare.

 

Well, of course. But the idea (for us at least) is that when she does move away and is an adult she will still hold true to her beliefs and meet someone in her congregation where ever she is. Basically anyone (mostly) she meets within our religion will have similar views. I know this is not the case for everyone though, and in that case I'm not sure what the logistics would be. It would be interesting to hear from someone on that.

[Rivka]

I think it is nice in a way but the logistics seem odd to me. I think it can only work with a very young couple. If Sally is 26, graduated college, working and making good money when she meets Bob who is 30 there might be a bit of trouble in any relationship they want when she tell him that they can't be alone or even go on a picnic without her parents say-so. Bob will probably run very far very fast.

 

This is indeed hard to picture, but I think that in the subculture which practices courtship Sally is unlikely to go to college (especially if it involves living away from home) or to pursue a career. I associate courtship with the expectation that unmarried young women will live at home under the discipline of their parents.

[K&Rs Mom]

Although dh and I did this, I do not agree with it. Also, we had to do an abbreviated version because we were in College already and my father is not in the picture.

I do not want my children to do this.

 

If it's not too nosy, I'd really appreciate hearing why you didn't like it but did it anyway (obviously not forced by your father).

 

I agree with MamaSheep that the words "dating" and "courting" are used for way too many different things, so it's hard to know what anyone means by either. I hope my kids will follow more of an old-fashioned method, getting to know lots of people without a commitment and stepping through the "levels" slowly & carefully. I like the dance card analogy a lot.

[Parrothead]

This is indeed hard to picture, but I think that in the subculture which practices courtship Sally is unlikely to go to college (especially if it involves living away from home) or to pursue a career. I associate courtship with the expectation that unmarried young women will live at home under the discipline of their parents.

True. I find that sad, but true.

[Joanne]

OP, did you want opinions of on the courtship model or simply info on what it IS?

[*********]

You forgot the "and a good socioeconomic fit" part. :tongue_smilie:

 

On a more serious note, the way I understand it, the principal difference is in the *spontaneity*.

Courtship is not spontaneous. It is a planned, premeditated activity - one meets another with a specific goal of estimating whether they are prospective marriage partners. The idea is that the relationship between men and women are too important and too dangerous, in a way, to be left to case and spontaneity. Traditionally, society was a lot more gender-segregated, it was difficult for young people to have a platform to meet and spontaneously form relationships. So, other people were involved in the process - typically somebody was suggesting prospective marriage partners and initiated the contact (parents, matchmakers, whonot), then the couple courted to see whether they are a good fit, the process still being to some extent overseen by others involved.

Dating is a spontaneous activity, which tends to grow "organically" from already knowing one another and wishing to further it. This type of opposite gender friendships spontaneously growing into committed relationships is a fairly new thing, historically, at least as a mass phenomenon, because guys mingle more with girls naturally today (via coeducational institutions, more liberal society, etc.). And of course, there are those who see various problems arising as a result of that, or who do not approve of that level of spontaneous mingling in a society, and prefer a more traditional approach to the whole thing, so they opt to court.

 

 

Mmmmm, very good explantion on the difference between courting and dating.

[simka2]

If it's not too nosy, I'd really appreciate hearing why you didn't like it but did it anyway (obviously not forced by your father).

 

I agree with MamaSheep that the words "dating" and "courting" are used for way too many different things, so it's hard to know what anyone means by either. I hope my kids will follow more of an old-fashioned method, getting to know lots of people without a commitment and stepping through the "levels" slowly & carefully. I like the dance card analogy a lot.

No, I was not forced by my father, but it was "expected" in the group of friends I had (most were Pastor's kids in our denomination.) Also, the Youth minister I mentioned in my post was leading some of the student chapels on campus the same semester I met dh. I just realized I didn't even hear of "courtship" until I was in college. :001_huh:

 

It was actually somewhat ironic in that one of the PK's who wanted to court me, but had not cleared it with his authority figures, would not sit right next to me during the chapels. He forced his friend to act as chaperone and sit in between us, I married that friend. ;)

 

As to why I do not want it for my kids. Well, dh and spent the 10 years in youth ministry, much of it advocating courtship. Eventually, I noticed what others have already mentioned.

 

Many great guys(and girls) absolutely freaked and ran the other way.

 

It provided an enviroment that made teens who did not really agree become secretive.

 

It forced commitment to quickly and there was no "escape without shame" option, if it wasn't working out. All the eggs were in one basket so to speak. These situations are particularly devastating, because the girl is often left going, "What went wrong? We did everything right?" and the boy often takes the blame for being unstable or breaking his word. Honestly, it was just to much to fast.

 

It brought some really unhealthy (think controlling) future in-law issues to the surface (I guess that is a good thing, but I would not want dd to marry into a family where the son "needed" parental permission.)

 

Of course I want me children to be wise in their marital choices, but I also want them to believe in themselves and be empowered to make their own life decisions. Yes, there is wisdom in many counselors, but that does not have to be formulaic or legalistic.

[scrappyhappymama]

My brother met his future wife while they were both in college. He asked her out on a date and she told him that she did not date. It was his first introduction to the idea of courtship rather than dating.

 

They knew each other through school and their common faith. They got to know each other by socializing in groups with other friends. Over time they fell in love and decided to marry. They remained chaste throughout their courtship and shared their first kiss at their wedding.

 

Both of these young folks were living on their own, away from home and making their own decisions. Other than being raised with this idea (in her case) and consulting with their parents for advice along the way, their parents were not directly involved in their decision to court and later to marry.

 

As someone else mentioned, there are many variants to the courtship idea. We know other families in which the parents are much more involved, usually because the young man or woman are still living at home. However, even in those courtships, the young folks get to know each other very well during the courtship period and both parties retain full right of refusal. No one is compelled to marry someone they don't know or don't want to marry. Some of these young folks do not go to college, but I do know of several young ladies who did get their degrees before marrying, including my SIL.

[Heather in Neverland]

The girls I've seen who courted actually knew much more about the young man than I ever knew about men I dated. They got to see them in the context of family and church life (both families spend a lot of time together,) as opposed to just the fun of movies and dinner. They have conversations with their family and the young man of topics I didn't ever think to ask during dating: family, finances, etc.

 

OP, it's really hard to define here because there is such a WIDE range of definitions for that word. What some people describe as courting looks just like how I dated, and what some people do in dating looks more like courting. Usually the use of the word denotes some type of thoughtful process and an end goal of a successful marriage (and - usually - a commitment to some type of purity.)

 

We aren't going to call what our dc do courting, but that's just because it's such a lightning rod. The girls have already made decisions to not date until they are in college, and then to involve dh and I heavily. It just makes sense to have all the help you can from trusted advisers when you are making one of the biggest decisions of your life.

 

:iagree:

 

We also do not believe in "recreational" dating as it really serves no purpose except to put hormonal teens in a situation they do not need to be in. If oneis not ready to start seeking a spouse, there really is no point in giving your heart to someone only to give or receive emotional scars and there is no point in adding unnecessary temptation to your life. When my ds is old enough to start considering women as potential spouses, then he can "date" or "court" or whatever you want to call it. He already prays for whoever his potential spouse is.

[SJ.]

Thanks everyone for answering! I was quite surprised that there wasn't one clear answer on how modern day courting is actually practiced!

 

I have an additional question that no one really answered - what does a contract entail in reference to courting? Is it actually written and signed? Who authors the contract? What does it entail? Have you ever done this yourself or for your dc? Or have a close friend or family member who has?

 

Thanks! :)

 

SJ

[momacacia]

I have an additional question that no one really answered - what does a contract entail in reference to courting? Is it actually written and signed? Who authors the contract? What does it entail? Have you ever done this yourself or for your dc? Or have a close friend or family member who has?

 

A contract? Where did you hear of such a thing? I've been around the "courtship" world a bit and have never heard of a "contract." What are it's usual terms, what's the purpose? Damages if the courtship doesn't end in marriage? I'm lost. Help me here! ;)

[goldberry]

So in courtship, there is the upfront acknowledgment that the relationship is to see whether marriage is the right thing for the couple or not.

 

This is all "courtship" means to me. It means that both parties are ready and open to the possibility of marraige should the relationship prove to be a good one.

[K&Rs Mom]

No, I was not forced by my father, but it was "expected" in the group of friends I had (most were Pastor's kids in our denomination.) Also, the Youth minister I mentioned in my post was leading some of the student chapels on campus the same semester I met dh. I just realized I didn't even hear of "courtship" until I was in college. :001_huh:

 

It forced commitment to quickly and there was no "escape without shame" option, if it wasn't working out. All the eggs were in one basket so to speak. These situations are particularly devastating, because the girl is often left going, "What went wrong? We did everything right?" and the boy often takes the blame for being unstable or breaking his word. Honestly, it was just to much to fast.

 

That makes sense. My dh was part of a group of like this, and says the same thing - he thinks couples sometimes got together then couldn't break up without some huge reason, so got married soon after graduation because they couldn't think of a reason not to. :001_huh: You're right about the secrecy, too (that was dh).

 

I never heard of it until college either, but it was just a small subgroup on our small campus, so those of us outside that group didn't pay much attention.

[Jean in Newcastle]

From what I've been able to glean from random threads around here, it's where you marry some guy you barely know because your dad thinks he's a nice young man.

 

As you can tell, I'm not a fan.

 

Whether you're a fan or not, the statement that courting means that you marry some guy you barely know is incorrect. Many people in courtship know each other very well because they are asking questions and interacting with each other with potential marriage in mind. And because many people who court, court within in a religious/social setting, many of these couples have known each other since childhood. Of course, there are probably people who court and marry someone they barely know, just like there are people who date for a few weeks and then get married. But as a generalization, I don't think your statement is correct.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I think the arranged marriage and the courting model for dating are apples and oranges.

 

I do not know about arranged marriages today, but historically in arranged marriages neither the bride or groom have any say in who they marry. This is not the same when one is courting

 

I think that arranged marriages probably vary depending on culture. I grew up in a country with a long history of arranged marriages and know a number of people who had marriages arranged. In fact, many of the marriages were arranged by my father. But both bride and the groom had total say in whether they went through with the marriage.

[Mergath]

Whether you're a fan or not, the statement that courting means that you marry some guy you barely know is incorrect. Many people in courtship know each other very well because they are asking questions and interacting with each other with potential marriage in mind. And because many people who court, court within in a religious/social setting, many of these couples have known each other since childhood. Of course, there are probably people who court and marry someone they barely know, just like there are people who date for a few weeks and then get married. But as a generalization, I don't think your statement is correct.

 

Perhaps. But I would imagine that a young man trying to prove to his family, his church, and his future wife that he's husband material is going to put his best foot forward, not necessarily the most honest one. I'd want to be able to get to know my future husband without all that pressure.

 

Of course, as someone previously mentioned, there are a million different definitions of "courtship," so we might be talking about entirely different practices.

[stripe]

I thought courting was dating or otherwise getting to know one another with the purpose of marriage in mind.

 

These are totally separate from arranged marriage or forced marriage, or just the idea of introductions by friends or family members. I don't think those who force their children to get married to someone, bother with courting, frankly.

 

Given that a lot of tv talking heads tell women never, ever discuss marriage with a man on a date, and a lot of women find themselves 3+ years into a relationship with no interest in marriage or kids, there is clearly a void to be filled for those whose fertility does not extend into the twilight years. I know women who've spent years working up the courage to discuss marriage, and then they're supposed to start all over again? I am not a fan of that, either.

 

I think the term just sounds dumb. I think it should be replaced by "wooing." That sounds kind of hot. Maybe because of that double-o, like swoon.