theYoungerMrsWarde Posted December 13, 2011 Share Posted December 13, 2011 At our family Thanksgiving reunion (over 70 people) my cousin who is my age announced her engagement to her boyfriend who has been living with her for a while. They are having a "destination wedding" to keep it from getting to big (aka the don't want the family to come.) She told us all this, she doesn't want/isn't expecting us to come, yet she sent a "save the date" card to us. Do I have to mail her a wedding present? I don't approve of her lifestyle choice (living with the guy before getting married) and... I don't like her personally :blushing: She's not going to notice, right? And why bother sending out "save the date" cards when she knows we're not going to come? Thoughts? Poll to follow so people can give an opinion without having to type out an answer. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Mungo Posted December 13, 2011 Share Posted December 13, 2011 (edited) You aren't required to send a wedding gift to anyone, even if you like them. eta: Well, your poll question is different. I send wedding presents to family members. I give gifts to people who I don't necessarily like. But, I live far from my family and would rather keep the drama to a minimum. Other people's moral choices really aren't any of my business. I voted other. Edited December 13, 2011 by Mrs Mungo iphone Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thescrappyhomeschooler Posted December 13, 2011 Share Posted December 13, 2011 You aren't required to send a wedding gift to anyone, even if you like them. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arliemaria Posted December 13, 2011 Share Posted December 13, 2011 Even if you don't approve, she is family and I would send something. It doesn't have to be a grand gift, but even a small thing like movie tickets inside a card. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mlbuchina Posted December 13, 2011 Share Posted December 13, 2011 I didn't vote in the pole as it asked something a little different than your post. I would say you don't have to give a gift to anyone you don't want to. Gifts are not obligations, or they would be payments. HTH! :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted December 13, 2011 Share Posted December 13, 2011 (edited) Presents are NEVER obligatory. (they are seen as a entrance ticket to birthday parties and baby showers - but one choose to go or not to those events.) even if she was having it in your hometown - a gift is just that, a gift. It would be gracious to send a (more diplomatic) version card of "hope this relationship can go the distance." Gift is not required. as for the 'save the date' card - maybe she's looking forward to presents. I know one woman who sents wedding announcements to EVERYONE she knew, most of whom had no interest in coming to her wedding. Edited December 13, 2011 by gardenmom5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tigger Posted December 13, 2011 Share Posted December 13, 2011 I'd send a small something - it's family and for the longer term peace, I'd find it in myself to see the longer term, she's getting married and not continuing to just live with him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amey311 Posted December 13, 2011 Share Posted December 13, 2011 Maybe she sent the "save the date" card in case anyone decided that they'd also like to take a vacation to their destination. That said, a "save the date" card doesn't obligate you to a gift, even if you prescribe to the "if you get an invitation, you should send a gift" mentality. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellie Posted December 13, 2011 Share Posted December 13, 2011 A gift is not obligatory, but it's a nice gesture, don't you think? And after all, she is finally getting married. That's something to celebrate, right? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mommaduck Posted December 13, 2011 Share Posted December 13, 2011 I didn't vote in the pole as it asked something a little different than your post. I would say you don't have to give a gift to anyone you don't want to. Gifts are not obligations, or they would be payments. HTH! :D :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted December 13, 2011 Share Posted December 13, 2011 Presents are not obligatory to anyone under any circumstance. Generally if one gets an invitation to the wedding, one sends a present. But that is not an obligation on the guests part. Should you send your cousin a wedding gift? I say yes just because she is your cousin. A gift doesn't have to be expensive by any means and a thoughtful gesture on your part may go a long way in family relations. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wapiti Posted December 13, 2011 Share Posted December 13, 2011 A gift is not obligatory, but it's a nice gesture, don't you think? And after all, she is finally getting married. That's something to celebrate, right? :iagree: It's not required, but it would be nice to do so, especially when you so strongly prefer her to be married while living with the guy - I guess you could look at this as rectifying the lifestyle choice of which you disapprove. That said, there have been many cousins living some distance away who have never received a wedding present from me. If this is someone you see often, even though you don't like her, I'd be more inclined to send something. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ma23peas Posted December 13, 2011 Share Posted December 13, 2011 If she is a first cousin, I would at the least send a card and if you are willing, a small gift...you are now honoring their decision to make their union legal...which is something to be honored. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danestress Posted December 13, 2011 Share Posted December 13, 2011 (edited) I can't think of any gift that is obligatory. It's never a "have to" though it would be social weird and rude not to sometimes. But whether you send a wedding gift is really not related to whether you can attend the wedding or whether you approve of the marriage. She sent a "Save the date" to say, "As my cousin, of course we would love you, but don't expect you because we know it would be expensive." If I were you, I would send a gift because she's your first cousin and as a reward for making it easy for me to not have to attend the wedding. Edited December 13, 2011 by Danestress Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
theYoungerMrsWarde Posted December 13, 2011 Author Share Posted December 13, 2011 Thank you everyone for the perspective. Now I'm thinking an embroidered bible verse bookmark and a card. I still think it's weird to send a "save the date" to someone who they don't want coming to the actual wedding. I thought that was what wedding announcement cards were for. :confused: I didn't send my out of state family invitations, that I can remember...but some still came anyway :lol: Maybe I did and I've just forgotten. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted December 13, 2011 Share Posted December 13, 2011 If I would send a gift to any other cousin, I'd send her one. It would be a check or gift card enclosed in a wedding card. It would be in line with what I'd give any other cousin. Personally, I don't believe I've ever been invited or sent a gift when a cousin got married, but I know all families are different that way . . . . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
theYoungerMrsWarde Posted December 13, 2011 Author Share Posted December 13, 2011 Yes, she is my first cousin. I only see her every-other Thanksgiving, but I am "friends" with her on facebook. But you guys talking about honoring her decision to finally marry the guy are right. Thank you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AdventureMoms Posted December 13, 2011 Share Posted December 13, 2011 A gift isn't necessary, of course, but I would send one to be polite. Or at least a card wishing the couple well. However you certainly don't need to be extravagant. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Myeightkiddies Posted December 13, 2011 Share Posted December 13, 2011 Now I'm thinking an embroidered bible verse bookmark and a card. :iagree: It's good that you are going to send something and acknowledge the event. I'm not familiar with the way she is doing her wedding. At least with graduation invitations, the children aren't expecting the relatives to come but at least they invite them. At any rate, the card and bookmark sound fine. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted December 13, 2011 Share Posted December 13, 2011 A gift is not obligatory, but it's a nice gesture, don't you think? And after all, she is finally getting married. That's something to celebrate, right? :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JFSinIL Posted December 13, 2011 Share Posted December 13, 2011 I'd send a small something - it's family and for the longer term peace, I'd find it in myself to see the longer term, she's getting married and not continuing to just live with him. Thems my thoughts! ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katilac Posted December 13, 2011 Share Posted December 13, 2011 Thank you everyone for the perspective. Now I'm thinking an embroidered bible verse bookmark and a card. I still think it's weird to send a "save the date" to someone who they don't want coming to the actual wedding. I thought that was what wedding announcement cards were for. :confused: I didn't send my out of state family invitations, that I can remember...but some still came anyway :lol: Maybe I did and I've just forgotten. This would honestly strike me as a very strange wedding gift. If it's something you have sent to other cousins to mark the occasion, then by all means continue the tradition. But if it's "special" to this one couple, then I'd skip a gift altogether. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QuirkyKapers Posted December 13, 2011 Share Posted December 13, 2011 I agree with many others that a gift is a gift and there is no obligation to give one. I would take into consideration how close I was to the cousin, if the cousin had given a gift at my wedding, if it would hurt the relationship further by not giving a gift. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stellalarella Posted December 13, 2011 Share Posted December 13, 2011 How about a "Lace Fan Wallhanging" made with white plastic spoons? :001_smile: Well, the card and bookmark would cost less to mail. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tex-mex Posted December 13, 2011 Share Posted December 13, 2011 A gift is not obligatory, but it's a nice gesture, don't you think? And after all, she is finally getting married. That's something to celebrate, right? :iagree: Even though they may not like each other, it is the kind thing to do. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JessicaLady Posted December 13, 2011 Share Posted December 13, 2011 I had a destination wedding. I did not send out invitations and I did not register. I sent out announcements afterwards and thank you letters to the few who chose to give us a gift. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Mungo Posted December 13, 2011 Share Posted December 13, 2011 This would honestly strike me as a very strange wedding gift. If it's something you have sent to other cousins to mark the occasion, then by all means continue the tradition. But if it's "special" to this one couple, then I'd skip a gift altogether. Honestly, I would take this as an intentional slight, even more than nothing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellie Posted December 13, 2011 Share Posted December 13, 2011 Thank you everyone for the perspective. Now I'm thinking an embroidered bible verse bookmark and a card. I still think it's weird to send a "save the date" to someone who they don't want coming to the actual wedding. I thought that was what wedding announcement cards were for. :confused: I didn't send my out of state family invitations, that I can remember...but some still came anyway :lol: Maybe I did and I've just forgotten. Yes, that is weird. I could be wrong, but that seems like a thinly veiled bid for gifts. :glare: And wedding announcements are sent after the wedding. Is that what you were thinking? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Mungo Posted December 13, 2011 Share Posted December 13, 2011 I don't think a destination wedding means that you don't want anyone to come. I don't think a save the date card is a bid for gifts. But, we have attended destination weddings, they were close to where we lived. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denise in Florida Posted December 13, 2011 Share Posted December 13, 2011 i voted yes, but the gift does not have to be large, a simple token to acknowledge their wedding will suffice. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellie Posted December 13, 2011 Share Posted December 13, 2011 I don't think a destination wedding means that you don't want anyone to come. I don't think a save the date card is a bid for gifts. But, we have attended destination weddings, they were close to where we lived. Maybe not with some people, but this is what the OP said: They are having a "destination wedding" to keep it from getting to big (aka they don't want the family to come.) She told us all this, she doesn't want/isn't expecting us to come, yet she sent a "save the date" card to us. In this situation, a save-the-date card sounds like a bid for gifts. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Mungo Posted December 13, 2011 Share Posted December 13, 2011 Maybe not with some people, but this is what the OP said: In this situation, a save-the-date card sounds like a bid for gifts. Saying that you don't *expect* people to come to a destination is the nice, proper thing do. Inviting them, just in case, is also nice and proper. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ktgrok Posted December 13, 2011 Share Posted December 13, 2011 As for why send the save the date card...well, wouldn't most relatives be offended if they were not invited? Maybe you were dying to go, she doesn't know. That said, I dislike destination weddings for this reason. We kind or sort of had one, but we didn't invite ANYONE. It was a planned open elopment really. We knew that if we invited people only some could come, and those that could afford it weren't the ones closest to us, and those that we would like to have their couldn't afford it. So to avoid hurt feelings we didn't invite anyone, and explained why to those that asked. We had the wedding filmed and then had a big party at our new house a week or so after we got back, and invited everyone. We played the video on a giant screen on the wall, served Scottish food (we were married in Scotland) and had a grand time. Presents were NOT expected, but we did get many. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katilac Posted December 13, 2011 Share Posted December 13, 2011 I'd be pretty surprised if the words "We don't want you to come" actually came out of their mouths, lol, but then again, I have heard some odd things on this board. I agree that saying "We don't EXPECT you to come" is the standard and polite disclaimer. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NanceXToo Posted December 13, 2011 Share Posted December 13, 2011 (edited) Yes. It's a relative. She's getting married. Send something. She doesn't want you to feel "obligated" to come because she understands it would be expensive for people to attend a destination wedding and can't afford to pay for everyone to come. She is sending a 'save the date card' because it would be rude of her to NOT invite the family, just in case they DO want to attend. She's one of your relatives and regardless of whether you "approve" of her lifestyle, I do think you should send something. Edited December 13, 2011 by NanceXToo Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SonshineLearner Posted December 13, 2011 Share Posted December 13, 2011 Send something easy to use :) Of course, send it here and keep it simple ;) "Wishing you all the best" :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pretty in Pink Posted December 13, 2011 Share Posted December 13, 2011 I'd be pretty surprised if the words "We don't want you to come" actually came out of their mouths, lol, but then again, I have heard some odd things on this board. I agree that saying "We don't EXPECT you to come" is the standard and polite disclaimer. Exactly. Did she really stand up and say, "Oh, don't worry. We don't want any of you to come," or was it more like, "We don't want anyone to feel obligated to attend." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hearts4homeschooling Posted December 13, 2011 Share Posted December 13, 2011 A small gift would be very kind. Kindness is always appropriate. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catz Posted December 13, 2011 Share Posted December 13, 2011 Even if you don't approve, she is family and I would send something. It doesn't have to be a grand gift, but even a small thing like movie tickets inside a card. :iagree: I would send something just to keep the peace. I lived with my husband for a few months before we were married because we had to sell my house and that's how the closing date landed. I don't think that's necessarily anything to shun a couple over. Especially a couple that is now making their relationship "official". I don't think sending save the date cards is a bid for gifts either since everyone was going to get an invitation anyway and knew it was coming. I think it's nice that she cleared the air and said she doesn't expect everyone to pick up and go to their destination wedding. Better that than pouting when people decline because it doesn't work for them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luvnlattes Posted December 13, 2011 Share Posted December 13, 2011 Even if you don't approve, she is family and I would send something. A gift is not obligatory, but it's a nice gesture, don't you think? And after all, she is finally getting married. That's something to celebrate, right? :iagree:with these two statements. Growing up, my dad often took the hard stance that if he didn't agree with a person's morals he wouldn't support them. It didn't cause the other person's morals to change and often caused hard feelings that lasted for years. I've seen the grief that can be caused and don't want any part of it myself. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Abigail4476 Posted December 13, 2011 Share Posted December 13, 2011 No, you don't have to, but it would be polite. Send something small or send a congratulatory card and a gift card to their favorite restaurant. Be gracious. They'll be your family forever. ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigMamaBird Posted December 13, 2011 Share Posted December 13, 2011 I would send a Best Wishes/Congratulations card and call it good. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katilac Posted December 13, 2011 Share Posted December 13, 2011 I wanted to touch on something in the OP: I don't like her personally. You may think differently, but to me, the point of family is that you love them and you are there for them whether or not you like them. That's what makes them family instead of friends. So, think about how you would prefer your kids to think about family, and act accordingly. And remember, just like cousins, siblings don't always like each other. Is the concept of family important to you, in the sense of your kids being there for each other when they are grown, or is it fine if they pick and choose in "friends" style? Standard disclaimer: In all of my posts, I am talking about regular famiy members that we may or may not like. I am not talking about active members of the Mafia whose wedding might end in massacre, Satan worshipers who believe no reunion is complete without live human sacrifice, and so on. Normal family fun and dysfunction only. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellie Posted December 13, 2011 Share Posted December 13, 2011 No, you don't have to, but it would be polite. Send something small or send a congratulatory card and a gift card to their favorite restaurant. Be gracious. They'll be your family forever. ;) See, if it was required, then it would be polite to send something. It isn't required, so politeness allows the OP not to send anything. It would be kind and thoughtful, though, which is why I voted in favor of sending something. :-) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HollyBee Posted December 13, 2011 Share Posted December 13, 2011 Standard disclaimer: In all of my posts, I am talking about regular famiy members that we may or may not like. I am not talking about active members of the Mafia whose wedding might end in massacre, Satan worshipers who believe no reunion is complete without live human sacrifice, and so on. Normal family fun and dysfunction only. This made me :lol: I would send a gift. Nothing big, maybe a restaurant gift card or some such. It's the classy thing to do. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
keptwoman Posted December 13, 2011 Share Posted December 13, 2011 This would honestly strike me as a very strange wedding gift. If it's something you have sent to other cousins to mark the occasion, then by all means continue the tradition. But if it's "special" to this one couple, then I'd skip a gift altogether. :iagree: Also, if they have been living together, the bible may not be something that means much to them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted December 13, 2011 Share Posted December 13, 2011 A gift is not obligatory, but it's a nice gesture, don't you think? And after all, she is finally getting married. That's something to celebrate, right? :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BamaTanya Posted December 14, 2011 Share Posted December 14, 2011 I didn't vote in your poll because I don't think there's a "should" answer. I love my cousins, but we're so numerous, we don't send one another wedding gifts. Unless we happen to be in the wedding. Or one of our dc is in the wedding. I mean, if they're far away and we don't correspond regularly, I wouldn't feel obligated. I might want to send a gift if I saw some little something that reminded me of her. I wouldn't make it a priority, though. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PiCO Posted December 14, 2011 Share Posted December 14, 2011 Now I'm thinking an embroidered bible verse bookmark and a card. I'm thinking she won't appreciate a bible quote, if she's essentially "living in sin" now. I lived w/dh before we married, and I would have seen the above gift from a cousin who did not approve of my lifestyle very passive-aggressive. (I would have found using the bible for a passive-aggressive stab very amusing though.) I still think it's weird to send a "save the date" to someone who they don't want coming to the actual wedding. I thought that was what wedding announcement cards were for. I didn't send my out of state family invitations, that I can remember...but some still came anyway :lol: Maybe I did and I've just forgotten. They might have sent save the date cards to all relatives so people won't feel slighted. I tend not to see things as people begging for gifts though, so she might very well be doing just that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Elf Posted December 14, 2011 Share Posted December 14, 2011 I voted that yes, you should send her something, but I don't think a bookmark is an appropriate couple type of gift. Is there a family member who will take some money from you and buy a gift that doesn't have to be mailed? Maybe a pretty silver picture frame, or even a personalized one like these from Personalization Mall? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.