If you were shy and/or anxious as a child...

[Alte Veste Academy]

What do you wish your parents had known that would have helped them relate to you? What do you wish they had done or not done in raising you, with respect to your personality?

 

DS8 and I have polar opposite personalities and he is a riddle to me. I am basically looking for any and all insight I can get. I talk to him, of course, but getting him to express his feelings is like fly fishing in the ocean. His feelings are all in the trenches and I am just skimming the surface.

 

ETA: I would also love to hear from those of you with shy and/or anxious children. Stories about mistakes made and corrected (lessons learned) or tips for relating would be greatly appreciated.

Edited October 14, 2011 by Alte Veste Academy

[Slartibartfast]

I wished they had not been quite so exasperated all the time.

[Erica in OR]

I was quite shy as a child. I wouldn't have them change anything—they accepted me for who I was, including the shyness.

 

Erica in OR

[Alte Veste Academy]

I wished they had not been quite so exasperated all the time.

 

Bingo. You just nailed the exact reason for this thread. :(

[TravelingChris]

I was an introvert and still am. More shy as a kid then I am now. My father was an introvert and my mother was an extrovert. The really good thing she did was not bother me about being an introvert or shy.

[KristenR]

:bigear:

[Embassy]

I wish I had not been required to participate in social events where I had no interest. That wasn't too often, but I guess the biggest thing is the idea that shy=bad and popular=good led me to believe there was something wrong with me when I only had a different personality. Popularity was/is highly valued in my family.

 

I don't know about your son, but I would need to fully trust that my feelings were going to be respected. If the adult with whom I shared my feelings then teased me or shared it with someone else I doubt I would share anything in the future. Also, be comfortable with silence. He may share, but needs more time.

[hsmom2011]

n/m

[Hwin]

They generally handled it well, but occasionally would talk for me, or share things which I assumed were private, which I found mortifying. i.e. "Oh, yes I've heard ALL ABOUT YOU! Hwin talks about you ceaselessly!" When I really hadn't, or if I had, it was supposed to be something privately shared with Mom, and not shared with the whole world.

 

I was more likely to want to keep my thoughts private, so even if it wasn't something awfully embarrassing, I would have liked Mom (because really, my dad was never guilty of this!) to keep it to herself.

 

On the flip side, she never enabled me, either, by handling things for me because I was too shy to talk to someone. If I wanted to sell Girl Scout cookies, I had to knock on the door myself. If I wanted to buy something at the store, I had to march up there and pay. I now appreciate that.

[Brooketopia]

I think it's wrong to make it seem like being shy is a bad thing. I mean, if the world only had outgoing people...oh my goodness. It's simply the opposite and I don't think one is better than the other, despite what society might think.

 

I wouldn't focus on the shyness, because who stinkin' cares? We're supposed to teach our children the morals and behavior that we as their parents think are important. I wish my parents had just stuck to those lessons instead of trying to push me into groups of people and telling me to "go make some friends." It made me feel like I was some sort of oddity because I preferred to be by myself with my books and my crafts. I just didn't feel a need for social companions.

 

That being said, communication is a skill that needs practice. If my children were painfully shy once they hit the mid-to-late teen years, I might step in and encourage some social activities. I don't know, I'm not there yet...

 

I think the most important thing to do is to just accept a child the way they are in regards to shyness. Most people grow out of it. I was 18 when the lightbulb turned on for me and I blossomed out of it. I don't regret any of those many hours reading and being by myself. It's what I wanted to be doing. I was a friend to a few and completely loyal, instead of a friend to everyone and fickle in my alliances. Focus on the loyalty and detail they can give to the individual as strong points of this facet of their personality. Anyone can mouth off their opinions to anyone who's listening, but it takes patience and wisdom to hold your tongue...shy people get to practice some skills that serve them well in their later years.

[Alte Veste Academy]

Is it shyness and anxiousness or introversion? I'm sure I come across that way, but I'm really not shy. There was/is nothing anyone could do differently around me.

 

I almost included introversion because I used to think he was an introvert. Now I am not so sure. He loves and craves the company of other children. He is just very nervous sometimes and slow to warm up to new things. However, he is always willing and excited to try a new experience. He just clams up around new people until he feels comfortable. That is fine, obviously, but sometimes he never gets comfortable.

[Alte Veste Academy]

I was quite shy as a child. I wouldn't have them change anything—they accepted me for who I was, including the shyness.

 

Erica in OR

 

Did they have the same personality? I think that would make life much easier. DD and DS5 are both a mini-me and parenting them has its own challenges (because I was not an easy child) but I get them and don't worry about damaging them, if that makes sense.

[Alte Veste Academy]

I was an introvert and still am. More shy as a kid then I am now. My father was an introvert and my mother was an extrovert. The really good thing she did was not bother me about being an introvert or shy.

 

I should have said from the outset that I do not see shyness as a problem or something I want to change. I want to understand him so I can relate to him and avoid bothering him. There is some anxiety that goes along with his shyness though, and that I would like to help minimize.

[Embassy]

I almost included introversion because I used to think he was an introvert. Now I am not so sure. He loves and craves the company of other children. He is just very nervous sometimes and slow to warm up to new things. However, he is always willing and excited to try a new experience. He just clams up around new people until he feels comfortable. That is fine, obviously, but sometimes he never gets comfortable.

 

I have an anxious child that took years to warm up to some situations. I made the choice to continue to support him and took his fears as real. I stayed with him and slowly (over years) made baby steps until now he is starting to blossom. If he doesn't get comfortable, I wouldn't force it. Depending on the situation I would either support him and slowly make babysteps or find another activity. I would try to avoid the people who make comments to him like "does the cat have your tongue?" or "ohh, he is acting shy" or other comments about his participation. Let him warm up on his schedule. And maybe there is a valid reason why he isn't comfortable opening up to some people. Is he an intuitive kid?

[wapiti]

My advice is: (1) accept your child for who he/she is, without signalling that the shyness/introversion is a negative, (2) do not force situations upon the child - growth will happen when he desires it enough to have the self-motivation to put himself out there, not when you desire it; and (3) I'm not sure what the official threshold for seeking professional help is for anxiety, but I'd expect it to be something along the lines of significantly impeding him from doing what he wants on a daily basis/most of the time.

 

The biggest mistakes my mom made (and continues to make :glare:) were/are assuming that I need lots and lots of friends and social situations to be happy, like my extroverted mom does, assuming I'm incomplete or less-than because I'm introverted (she would never say this, but it's an obvious opinion of hers) and wanting to force me into such situations.

 

eta, that said, I wouldn't coddle. Where the line between being sensitive and coddling is isn't always clear, though I'd go about life as if it weren't an issue except to the extent that he raises it (e.g., "no mom I don't want to go to that birthday party" "ok").

Edited October 14, 2011 by wapiti

[Aurelia]

I really wish my parents had understood what I wanted better. I was never the type to say "I want that!" or "Leave me alone!" (Well, the latter on occasion with my brother when he wouldn't stop bugging me - although my parents would never step it to make him stop after I had tried several times unsuccessfully to make him go away, another pet peeve of mine.) The shy kids I have known would say something like "Oh, I like X.", hoping that whomever they were talking to would get the hint that they wanted it, which rarely happened, and since a shy person is not going to be the type to want to cause a scene, he or she would simply be quietly disappointed.

 

It helps to practice social encounters, if that's a struggle. I do this with my daughter who swings between outgoing and shy. The more we practice (and we take her out in public fairly often, so she can get used to other people), the more confident she is and the less likely she is to freeze up.

[Slartibartfast]

I should have said from the outset that I do not see shyness as a problem or something I want to change. I want to understand him so I can relate to him and avoid bothering him. There is some anxiety that goes along with his shyness though, and that I would like to help minimize.

 

I think it would help to take him to a counselor and you go as well. They can recommend different coping techniques, dietary and lifestyle changes as well as relaxation techniques that can help.

 

But you would want to talk to a professional so you know what exactly is going on.

 

It is hard to say what is in someone's head with anxiety because one really doesn't tend to want to reveal the sheer amount of time one spends worrying over seemingly minor things, or sticken with horror over something or just obsessed with some wild idea that doesn't make much sense.

 

I understand it is exasperating, dd was really not into being outside much for awhile. She would spend much of the time completely freaking out about bugs, wasps, bees..etc. Since my sisters and I spent most of our childhood outside this was completely alien to me, I cannot stand being inside too much.

Edited October 14, 2011 by Sis

[Alte Veste Academy]

I wish I had not been required to participate in social events where I had no interest. That wasn't too often, but I guess the biggest thing is the idea that shy=bad and popular=good led me to believe there was something wrong with me when I only had a different personality. Popularity was/is highly valued in my family.

 

I don't know about your son, but I would need to fully trust that my feelings were going to be respected. If the adult with whom I shared my feelings then teased me or shared it with someone else I doubt I would share anything in the future. Also, be comfortable with silence. He may share, but needs more time.

 

The comfort with silence thing is very helpful. The funny thing is that he is loud and rowdy...about everything but his feelings. I do have the best luck getting him to talk at bedtime.

 

I will say that I absolutely do not think that shy=bad and I know he does not think I think that. I also do not do comparisons with the kids. I have never teased or made negative statements about DS's shyness or anxiety. Also, aside from now and talks with DH, DS's shyness is not a topic of conversation.

[Chris in VA]

I wish they had stopped using the phrase "come out of your shell."

 

I was such an easy kid--good in school (I'm talking elementary), never any trouble, and I loved to read. Everyone said how great it was to read, and I read!! But it worried my mom. That made me angry. Geez, no pleasing you people, is there? was my unarticulated thought.

 

When we moved and I started feeling more comfortable, they kept commenting how I had come out of my shell, like it was this terrific thing. That made me mad, too--I just wanted them to stop treating me like I'd been some sort of shyness freak and appreciated how I was.

[Alte Veste Academy]

I really wish my parents had understood what I wanted better. I was never the type to say "I want that!" or "Leave me alone!" (Well, the latter on occasion with my brother when he wouldn't stop bugging me - although my parents would never step it to make him stop after I had tried several times unsuccessfully to make him go away, another pet peeve of mine.) The shy kids I have known would say something like "Oh, I like X.", hoping that whomever they were talking to would get the hint that they wanted it, which rarely happened, and since a shy person is not going to be the type to want to cause a scene, he or she would simply be quietly disappointed.

 

It helps to practice social encounters, if that's a struggle. I do this with my daughter who swings between outgoing and shy. The more we practice (and we take her out in public fairly often, so she can get used to other people), the more confident she is and the less likely she is to freeze up.

 

Yes, yes, yes! This is DS! Thank you for putting it into words for me!

 

His shyness is not an issue of me pushing him into activities and friendships or thinking he is less than or anything like that. To put it harshly (to me, not him) I am finding myself constantly exasperated because it is clear there are things on his mind and heart that he isn't saying. Your example about saying what you like and hoping they got it is a many times a day sort of occurrence here. Add to that the fact that he is pleaser... This is a kid who would choke down something I cooked, gagging, and still insist he liked it because he didn't want to hurt my feelings. He is finally, ever so politely, telling me when he does not care for something and that took years (during which time DD, DS5 and DH were all more than willing to tell me when something was yucky)! And I am a big believer in "take what you like and leave what you don't." It is our dinner time motto and I promise I am not a shrew and really don't care!

 

I think you are on to something, because I get more frustrated feeling like I am responsible for reading his mind than I get if he just said, "No thanks, not to my taste."

 

ETA: Darn iPhone cut me off and now I'm on the computer...

 

So, when you say you wish your parents had understood you better... How can I understand him better? I really, really want to. I try to watch for every nuance to try to figure out what he's thinking or feeling but let's just say the kid could win big at poker. I try to talk to him but he clams up about feelings and I am not insensitive to anxious or fretful feelings. Really. Can you give any insight into why you couldn't/didn't express yourself? I am not seeing this as a fault per se, just something I need to figure out.

Edited October 14, 2011 by Alte Veste Academy

[TravelingChris]

I have two introverts and one kid who is more extroverted. Number two kid who is the most shy is also the loudest. She is an auditory child and she sure made noise and still does when she comes home and her ADHD medication isn't working yet or has stopped working.

 

About anxieties- I didn't address them until they were really bothering her. She had some anxieties as a younger person but it wasn't until a few years ago that they were really negatively affecting her. I don't think that dealing with them earlier would have helped. She simply did not have them so severe when she was younger so I don't really see how that could have helped.

 

I was a general mildly anxious kid (not like my dd turned out to be) and I do know that if my parent had dragged me to a counselor, I would be very angry. I didn't think there was anything to be counseled about. I think you have to be careful with anxieties. Are the anxieties irrational and troublesome to your child? Or is it simply a greater awareness of dangers that are actually in existence? If the latter, I would not take him to a counselor, It would be futile and possibly cause resentment by your son. You don't change a realist to an optimist.

[twoforjoy]

I was a shy child, and then a very outgoing (or at least outspoken) teen and adult. I don't think my parents should have handled that aspect of my personality any differently. They're both pretty reserved people, though.

 

In our house we have the opposite issue, where my DH is extremely shy and reserved, and our DS is super outgoing and extroverted. There are definitely personality clashes that happen.

 

As to the anxiety issue, that's a whole different thing. I have panic disorder, which didn't become a significant problem until I was 14 or 15, but which I'd had some issues with for as long as I can remember. (Anxiety disorders and particularly panic disorder run on both sides of my family; my maternal grandmother was agoraphobic to the point of not leaving her house for about 15 years at one point.)

 

I wish that my parents--or some adult in my life--could have affirmed the realness and scariness of what I was feeling, even as they assured me that I was and would be fine. I feel like the realness--the fact that my heart really was pounding, I really did feel shaky and sick, etc.--of what was happening to me was just brushed aside, and I was always told that there was nothing wrong and it was all in my head. I thought I was nuts for years, because it seemed to be very much in my body, not just my head!

 

It wasn't until I was older and read a book about panic disorder, which basically said something along the lines of the sensations of panic being very real, very scary, and extremely unpleasant--but also totally harmless and temporary--that I was able to start managing better. I think that maybe before that, it had been hard to trust the people telling me that I'd be fine, because they were also telling me that nothing was wrong and it was all in my head, and I knew that wasn't true. Once the reality of the sensations I was having were validated, then I was able to feel like somebody really got it and also trust that it would be okay.

 

I'm not sure if that's at all clear or helpful or relevant to your son's problems. In any case, I hope you guys figure out lots of positive ways to relate to each other!

[Alice]

Yes, yes, yes! This is DS! Thank you for putting it into words for me!

 

His shyness is not an issue of me pushing him into activities and friendships or thinking he is less than or anything like that. To put it harshly (to me, not him) I am finding myself constantly exasperated because it is clear there are things on his mind and heart that he isn't saying. Your example about saying what you like and hoping they got it is a many times a day sort of occurrence here. Add to that the fact that he is pleaser... This is a kid who would choke down something I cooked, gagging, and still insist he liked it because he didn't want to hurt my feelings. He is finally, ever so politely, telling me when he does not care for something and that took years (during which time DD, DS5 and DH were all more than willing to tell me when something was yucky)! And I am a big believer in "take what you like and leave what you don't." It is our dinner time motto and I promise I am not a shrew and really don't care!

 

I think you are on to something, because I get more frustrated feeling like I am responsible for reading his mind than I get if he just said, "No thanks, not to my taste."

 

ETA: Darn iPhone cut me off and now I'm on the computer...

 

So, when you say you wish your parents had understood you better... How can I understand him better? I really, really want to. I try to watch for every nuance to try to figure out what he's thinking or feeling but let's just say the kid could win big at poker. I try to talk to him but he clams up about feelings and I am not insensitive to anxious or fretful feelings. Really. Can you give any insight into why you couldn't/didn't express yourself? I am not seeing this as a fault per se, just something I need to figure out.

 

I think I get what you are saying. I'm very much an introvert and shy. My oldest is very very similar to me and I still find myself more frustrated with him than my others. Part of it is that I know how he will struggle with certain situations and it hurts me. Wanting to make it easier for him sometimes comes out as frustration with him. Part of it is exactly what you said, that many times I want to help him but he just will not tell what is going on in his mind.

 

Things that I do (not sure if they are right but they feel right to me) are to try and give him space to not share. I really value privacy and have a mother who loves me dearly but believes in sharing everything. I can remember feeling like I had no space of my own growing up. So I'll often hear myself saying something like "C, I can tell you are upset. I can't really help you if you don't tell me what it is. I'm not going to make you tell me but if you want to I'd love to listen." And then the key is I just go back to what I'm doing and leave him alone. Or at least leave him alone from prying...we might be doing something physically together but I just change the topic. There are often times he'll say "I don't want to say" in response to a question about something very simple and as exasperating as it is for me to hear that, I'll just say ok, you don't have to tell.

 

I also value alone time with this child a great deal. We try to do regular "special" times with both boys that might be as simple as a quick bike ride together or more involved like a night out for pizza. We talk about random stuff like Pokemon or what he wants for his birthday. But the setting that is special and the time alone I think make him feel closer to me. And sometimes, just sometimes, he'll talk about things a little deeper and more important.

[wapiti]

I wish they had stopped using the phrase "come out of your shell."

 

I was such an easy kid--good in school (I'm talking elementary), never any trouble, and I loved to read. Everyone said how great it was to read, and I read!! But it worried my mom. That made me angry. Geez, no pleasing you people, is there? was my unarticulated thought.

 

When we moved and I started feeling more comfortable, they kept commenting how I had come out of my shell, like it was this terrific thing. That made me mad, too--I just wanted them to stop treating me like I'd been some sort of shyness freak and appreciated how I was.

:iagree: :iagree: :lol: :glare:

[Alte Veste Academy]

I am a shy, anxious person, and so is my youngest dd. She is also on the spectrum. The more I learn, the more I see myself there as well. I always wished my parents would have taken me to see a counselor to help me overcome some of my social issues. I also wish they would have encouraged (not pushed) me to get involved in activities and have friends. They were happy as long as I didn't get into any trouble (which, thankfully, I never did), but I also didn't do much more than go to school and come home. I never had more than one or two friends. I am happy with my life now, but often wonder what I might have done differently if I had received some help for my socail phobias, and had more confidence in myself. I still struggle with shyness, and avoid too many uncomfortable social situations.

 

Well, DS does choose to participate in activities. I do not push or force him, ever. I offer to everyone and they do as they wish. With Aurelia's post, I'm starting to think this is probably more an issue of assertiveness. Self-confidence is also an issue for him. I have seen a big improvement as he has put himself out there with swimming and guitar. Those activities have inspired some very positive feelings about himself.

 

They generally handled it well, but occasionally would talk for me, or share things which I assumed were private, which I found mortifying. i.e. "Oh, yes I've heard ALL ABOUT YOU! Hwin talks about you ceaselessly!" When I really hadn't, or if I had, it was supposed to be something privately shared with Mom, and not shared with the whole world.

 

I was more likely to want to keep my thoughts private, so even if it wasn't something awfully embarrassing, I would have liked Mom (because really, my dad was never guilty of this!) to keep it to herself.

 

On the flip side, she never enabled me, either, by handling things for me because I was too shy to talk to someone. If I wanted to sell Girl Scout cookies, I had to knock on the door myself. If I wanted to buy something at the store, I had to march up there and pay. I now appreciate that.

 

Thanks for sharing. I imagine it would be horrible to have your private thoughts revealed to anyone else. I do not do that with DS. I also won't put many details about DS on this board, for the same reason. I really do respect who he is. I'm just trying to understand.

 

About the enabling, what you said does make me feel better. I had such a moment of pride in DS when he had a breakthrough in approaching authority figures at the pool this summer. He had lost a dive ring in the filter and wanted me to ask about it, which I said I would do when we were ready to leave. I told him if he had to know now, he could ask. The next thing I heard was, "Excuse me, sir. My dive ring went into the filter. Can you help me get it back?" I was :svengo: and thrilled.

 

I think it's wrong to make it seem like being shy is a bad thing. I mean, if the world only had outgoing people...oh my goodness. It's simply the opposite and I don't think one is better than the other, despite what society might think.

 

I wouldn't focus on the shyness, because who stinkin' cares? We're supposed to teach our children the morals and behavior that we as their parents think are important. I wish my parents had just stuck to those lessons instead of trying to push me into groups of people and telling me to "go make some friends." It made me feel like I was some sort of oddity because I preferred to be by myself with my books and my crafts. I just didn't feel a need for social companions.

 

That being said, communication is a skill that needs practice. If my children were painfully shy once they hit the mid-to-late teen years, I might step in and encourage some social activities. I don't know, I'm not there yet...

 

I think the most important thing to do is to just accept a child the way they are in regards to shyness. Most people grow out of it. I was 18 when the lightbulb turned on for me and I blossomed out of it. I don't regret any of those many hours reading and being by myself. It's what I wanted to be doing. I was a friend to a few and completely loyal, instead of a friend to everyone and fickle in my alliances. Focus on the loyalty and detail they can give to the individual as strong points of this facet of their personality. Anyone can mouth off their opinions to anyone who's listening, but it takes patience and wisdom to hold your tongue...shy people get to practice some skills that serve them well in their later years.

 

Again, to be clear, I don't prefer my extrovert children and I don't think shyness is odd or problematic in and of itself. I also don't push him to make friends or join groups. He wants to and chooses freely. I would like to better understand him and help him be assertive. Truth be told, he can be (I'm in a huge hurry right now, so what's a euphemism for a) doormat in play or when around other people because he does not speak up for himself. That is not a position I want him in and if I can help him learn to speak up for himself, I want to do that.

 

So, again, I think the issue is starting to get polished up and is ultimately an assertiveness issue.

 

I have an anxious child that took years to warm up to some situations. I made the choice to continue to support him and took his fears as real. I stayed with him and slowly (over years) made baby steps until now he is starting to blossom. If he doesn't get comfortable, I wouldn't force it. Depending on the situation I would either support him and slowly make babysteps or find another activity. I would try to avoid the people who make comments to him like "does the cat have your tongue?" or "ohh, he is acting shy" or other comments about his participation. Let him warm up on his schedule. And maybe there is a valid reason why he isn't comfortable opening up to some people. Is he an intuitive kid?

 

Actually, he can be kind of obtuse. That he has in common with me. :tongue_smilie:

 

Baby steps would be a good mantra for me though.

 

Argh! I have more posts to reply to but we have to get to piano! I will reply when I get back. Thanks so much for all the input.

 

***Also, if I sound defensive or terse, please please please know that it is the darn piano lessons making me so. No one has said anything to irritate or offend and I'm sorry if my responses have been short or the least bit impolite. It is unintended! I am finding all the responses very helpful!***

[Night Elf]

I wish they had listened and acknowledged my issues rather than berating me for being different. The overall attitude towards me was that I was too sensitive and that I needed to buck up and suck it up. That has even extended into my adulthood. In fact, my mom is in total denial that I have Bipolar II, ADD, and OCD. She thinks my doctors are making it up not only to make money off of me, but to coddle my introverted way of life. (I have Kaiser and there is no way they are making money off of me.)

[6packofun]

I wish they had eased me into situations that made me anxious/scared. They were the kind of parents who figured since I was a good kid, they could pretty much let me raise myself and didn't intervene. I was too anxious about TELLING my parents that things made me so nervous, so I'm sure that didn't help, but I would have liked them by my side--or ON my side--as I got used to certain social situations or with school anxieties instead of telling me to just tough it out and deal with it on my own.

 

My oldest deals with mild anxiety issues and social awkwardness/nervousness and I'd like to think I've helped him overcome a great deal of it by being a buffer for him at times and being right behind him as I pushed him gently to stretch himself at others. I think I'm just more *aware* as a parent than mine were, though.

Edited October 14, 2011 by 6packofun
typo

[Susan in TN]

I wish I'd been given some help on knowing *specifically* what to say in certain situations.

 

I was never told what to call adults, so I was always uncomfortable talking to them. Once when I referred to "Mr. Thomson", the person I was speaking to acted shocked and commented on how formal I was. On the other hand, I felt VERY uncomfortable calling adults by their first names.

 

Also help on basic social communication - how to start and continue a casual conversation, how to "get out of" uncomfortable conversations/situations, how to politely decline things, or graciously accept things. How to get off the phone with a sales call or other unwanted phone call.

 

Sounds like I was a bit Aspergers (and probably was). Nevertheless, I needed to have specific examples given to me, and ways to use them in real life situations.

[Cassy]

I wished they had not been quite so exasperated all the time.

 

Yes, this. Also I wish I hadn't been called 'odd' all the time, simply because I preferred to sit in and read rather than hang around street corners with all the other kids in the neighbourhood, or because "You think too deeply", said with a horrible sneer.

 

I wish my mother had seen the good things in me, and supported me in developing those. The exasperation, the name-calling, just made me curl up into my shell even more. Up until my mid-twenties I really believed there was something wrong me.

 

I wish she'd been a little more empathetic, a little more sensitive, at least trying to see things from my point of view some of the time.

 

I think my mother took my personality as a personal insult, as something to be ashamed of. Not good. It has taken a lot of work (and a very wonderful DH) to build up my self-esteem and self-confidence to normal levels.

 

Social skills training can also be very helpful to shy/anxious children, if approached sensitively.

 

 

Best wishes

 

Cassy

[cdrumm4448]

What do you wish your parents had known that would have helped them relate to you? What do you wish they had done or not done in raising you, with respect to your personality?

 

DS8 and I have polar opposite personalities and he is a riddle to me. I am basically looking for any and all insight I can get. I talk to him, of course, but getting him to express his feelings is like fly fishing in the ocean. His feelings are all in the trenches and I am just skimming the surface.

 

ETA: I would also love to hear from those of you with shy and/or anxious children. Stories about mistakes made and corrected (lessons learned) or tips for relating would be greatly appreciated.

 

 

I wish my parents had hugged me a lot. I wish they had said, "I love you" for no reason. I wish there was more talking and less yelling. I wish they hadn't spanked with a belt. Emotionally, keep in mind I am a girl, and boys are different. I love my parents, but they were busy a lot. Stop what you are doing when they want or need to talk to you. I'm not perfect at these things, of course, but they are usually in the forefront of my mind with my own children.

[ChrisB]

I really wish my parents had understood what I wanted better. I was never the type to say "I want that!" or "Leave me alone!" (Well, the latter on occasion with my brother when he wouldn't stop bugging me - although my parents would never step it to make him stop after I had tried several times unsuccessfully to make him go away, another pet peeve of mine.) The shy kids I have known would say something like "Oh, I like X.", hoping that whomever they were talking to would get the hint that they wanted it, which rarely happened, and since a shy person is not going to be the type to want to cause a scene, he or she would simply be quietly disappointed.

I don't know if my comment will be of any help since I was not shy or anxious as a child. However, I want to add to Aurelia's comment. I am an Extrovert, although a low one. I was never the type to say "I want that!" I would say "Oh, I like X.", hoping they would get the hint and be quietly disappointed if they didn't. I didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings either. When I was a child my feelings got hurt very easily. It was more about the feelings and how the delivery of my words would be taken, and vice versa. So I don't think it is particular to an Introverted person.

Edited October 15, 2011 by ChrisB

[mcconnellboys]

...but I'm exasperated nearly all the time, too, and I'm just learning that it's because I have anxiety, as did my mother, her father, etc..... None of them were ever diagnosed and I have not been, either. I'm just figuring out that this is my problem through trying to help my anxious child....

 

Over the years, I've wished that my family had done a lot of things differently, but I'm not sure they could have been any different in an age when there just wasn't regular diagnosis of these sorts of conditions.... I wish I would have had a clue long ago, too, instead of just this past year or so, but I can only work toward the future....

[Once Again]

From my experience as an extremely shy, introverted, socially anxious child: give him time. I only started "coming out of my shell" in college but I didn't really change until I'd become a parent. Likely he will never become an extrovert (and that's okay), but he will get less shy as he gets older.

[twoxcell]

I wish my mom would have realized that I would never ask for or demand something for myself. Some things just need to be offered or done. For example birthday parties. Also I wish my mom would have realized sooner that if she tried to convince me an outfit was cute I would buy it even though I hated it and then I would never actually wear it. With that said I have wonderful parents and my mom is much more of an extrovert than I am.

[Alte Veste Academy]

Before I answer any more posts, I would like to apologize if I seemed dismissive of anyone's posts because they weren't an exact match to what is going on with DS. I was feeling very reflective earlier today and wanted to post this question but chose the wrong time, as I had little time before we had to be out the door. Then I started answering because I was so happy to get so much great insight, but I didn't have enough time to answer the way I should have.

 

Obviously not everyone's experience will exactly match DS's but I asked for input and I am still very eager for it. I value what has been shared already. I sincerely thank you all for your input.

 

I have to say that I don't know how to phrase some things without sounding defensive. I promise I'm not defensive in an ugly or resentful way. Just defensive as in defending myself from some stuff that I'm not actually guilty of. :D Obviously, some of you have had painful experiences because you were not accepted as you were. That is exactly what I'm trying to avoid here. I am absolutely not a perfect parent but truthfully, what has been shared about parents not accepting, or pushing, or feeling that shy meant less than, or encouraging the "coming out of the shell" is not stuff I'm guilty of. It's more an issue of my seeing my sweet boy struggling with expressing himself and wanting so much to help him, if only he would open up to me. I am and always have been his safe place to fall. I just want him to fall back on me, you know?

 

I admit I have been exasperated with DS, but not due to shyness and definitely not due to anxiety. The exasperation is typically prompted by my own feelings of guilt, in response to his inability to be assertive in expressing his needs even though he appears to want to do so. Tonight we had a perfect example. I asked him what he wants to be for Halloween because I was going to order the costumes. He told me Commander Fox (Star Wars Clone Wars). Great. Fine. I ordered the costumes and told the kids they were on their way. We were talking about it and I mentioned the Commander Rex costume, and whoops! I remembered it incorrectly. It's Captain Rex and Commander Fox. So, I said I was so sorry and that I would cancel the order. "Oh, it's OK, I'll be Captain Rex," he says. I replied that it was my fault and it's no biggie and that I was so sorry I didn't remember it right. I told him I would be happy to get him the Commander Fox costume that he wanted but I had to twist his arm to get him to let me do the right thing. The worst part is that despite my sincere and profuse apologies, I still think he feels guilty about it, like he was being a big inconvenience to me. :( I am happy to have pinpointed as an area that I can work on, from my end first, being more understanding of it from his perspective and exercising greater patience. Because motherhood is chock full of irony, I get exasperated with DD and DS5 for acting too entitled and thinking the world should revolve around them.

Edited October 15, 2011 by Alte Veste Academy

[Word Nerd]

I wish my mom had read this book, which was also helpful to me as an introverted parent of a shy introvert. (Shyness and introversion aren't synonymous, but the author covers both.)

Edited October 15, 2011 by WordGirl

[OLG]

Because motherhood is chock full of irony, I get exasperated with DD and DS5 for acting too entitled and thinking the world should revolve around them.

 

A-ha! With that said, my guess is that the older brother is simply trying to help out Mom by being a bit more complacent and understanding...maybe?

 

One thing I learned about boys that age t that they will open up and talk one on one when doing some physical activity like playing catch and chatting or b-ball or whatever generates some movement. it's something about the brain at that age. And, I would not be surprised if the perceived shyness changes as he ages. It might not, and that's just fine too.

 

You are a good Mom. Relax.:D

[Alte Veste Academy]

I'm like that. There are some people I never feel comfortable around. Those tend to be very extroverted people. They feel "IN YOUR FACE" to me. Or they want to control the situation/relationship. And oddly those are the kind of people who are attracted to me. Maybe it's because I don't get in their way?! I don't know.

 

Another poster on this thread kind of hit the nail on the head. I don't have a problem with how I am except it's not as valued as extroversion (and as a kid I noticed that and sometimes felt bad about it). I guess I would have liked for someone to say that there are others like me and there is nothing wrong with it. That I really don't have to force myself to be who I am not.

 

OK, this is really good stuff here. I am not really sure he's an introvert because he does love to play and be around other kids and never refuses an outing or activity. He's just slow to warm up and very quiet. Once he gets warmed up, you would never know anything was wrong unless an issue comes up where I know he wants/needs to assert himself and he doesn't or can't. I do not view the shy and slow to warm up parts as problems at all. I think the assertiveness is key.

 

You are completely right in that extroversion is valued. I am also now seeing how much assertiveness is valued. The squeaky wheel gets the grease. I want DS to be who he is but I also want him to be able to speak up for his own needs without feeling guilty.

 

I used to be an extrovert but now I'm an introvert so I see both sides.

[Alte Veste Academy]

I wish my mom had read this book, which was also helpful to me as an introverted parent of a shy introvert. (Shyness and introversion aren't synonymous, but the author covers both.)

 

Thank you! That just went in my cart!

 

A-ha! With that said, my guess is that the older brother is simply trying to help out Mom by being a bit more complacent and understanding...maybe?

 

One thing I learned about boys that age t that they will open up and talk one on one when doing some physical activity like playing catch and chatting or b-ball or whatever generates some movement. it's something about the brain at that age. And, I would not be surprised if the perceived shyness changes as he ages. It might not, and that's just fine too.

 

You are a good Mom. Relax.:D

 

Thank you. I think you are right about him trying to be good for me.

 

:crying: on the playing catch. Did I mention I can be really obtuse? DH is deployed. This is DS8's third deployment (not to mention the countless other times DH has been TDY for a month or more or just in the field for anywhere from 1-3 weeks). I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that this has had a profound effect on him and is likely the major source of his anxiety. :( DH was just home for R&R and left about a week ago. While he was home, they played catch every day...and went to wash the car and to play laser tag and to get donuts... They rode all the rides no one else could at Sea World and DS was in heaven. He was like a different kid. It was like he put on years of maturity the day DH came home. The day after he left again, the maturity disappeared too. Of course. Mine kind of suffered too, frankly. Man, I'm daft. Thanks for the reminder though, because when I'm feeling sorry for myself is when I really need to be feeling sorry for my kids and helping them process their feelings.

[Alte Veste Academy]

I think it would help to take him to a counselor and you go as well. They can recommend different coping techniques, dietary and lifestyle changes as well as relaxation techniques that can help.

 

But you would want to talk to a professional so you know what exactly is going on.

 

It is hard to say what is in someone's head with anxiety because one really doesn't tend to want to reveal the sheer amount of time one spends worrying over seemingly minor things, or sticken with horror over something or just obsessed with some wild idea that doesn't make much sense.

 

You make absolute, perfect sense. DS's anxiety is relatively minor. I only bring it up because I think it does pertain to his shyness. I wouldn't say he has a social anxiety because, as I said, he does choose to be social and put himself out there. I think it is more a product of his shy personality than an issue in and of itself, if that makes sense. His anxiety does not significantly impair his functioning at this time. I am an MSW trained in Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy and I've taught him some of the coping techniques. The biggest thing I did was to say that it was normal for him to have these feelings and that most people are anxious about this or that at one time or another. I told him a few (not too scary for an 8 year old) things that I get anxious about. Just hearing all of that brought about a visible wave of relief.

 

I wish they had stopped using the phrase "come out of your shell."

 

I was such an easy kid--good in school (I'm talking elementary), never any trouble, and I loved to read. Everyone said how great it was to read, and I read!! But it worried my mom. That made me angry. Geez, no pleasing you people, is there? was my unarticulated thought.

 

When we moved and I started feeling more comfortable, they kept commenting how I had come out of my shell, like it was this terrific thing. That made me mad, too--I just wanted them to stop treating me like I'd been some sort of shyness freak and appreciated how I was.

 

If it makes you feel any better, I've never used those words with him. :D And I never judge anyone for how much they read, unless you count effusive praise for how much they've been "growing their brains." :lol:

[wapiti]

I am not really sure he's an introvert because he does love to play and be around other kids and never refuses an outing or activity. He's just slow to warm up and very quiet. Once he gets warmed up, you would never know anything was wrong unless an issue comes up where I know he wants/needs to assert himself and he doesn't or can't. I do not view the shy and slow to warm up parts as problems at all. I think the assertiveness is key.

 

FWIW, I would definitely describe introversion as slow-to-warm.

 

Also, typically, introverts recharge more by having alone time rather than needing that connection that extroverts seek quite as much, though I think of it as a contiuum with extreme extrovert on one side and extreme introvert on the other, and most people falling in between toward one side or the other.

[Rosie_0801]

I asked him what he wants to be for Halloween because I was going to order the costumes. He told me Commander Fox (Star Wars Clone Wars). Great. Fine. I ordered the costumes and told the kids they were on their way. We were talking about it and I mentioned the Commander Rex costume, and whoops! I remembered it incorrectly. It's Captain Rex and Commander Fox. So, I said I was so sorry and that I would cancel the order. "Oh, it's OK, I'll be Captain Rex," he says. I replied that it was my fault and it's no biggie and that I was so sorry I didn't remember it right. I told him I would be happy to get him the Commander Fox costume that he wanted but I had to twist his arm to get him to let me do the right thing.

 

Oh, it's painful when people do that. :lol: He probably really was ok with being Captain Rex.

 

The worst part is that despite my sincere and profuse apologies, I still think he feels guilty about it, like he was being a big inconvenience to me. :(

 

Ok, I don't know your kid from a bar of soap, but by this stage I'd be feeling bad about being bullied into something I didn't want. I'd said I didn't want you to change the order, and you should have believed me. Now if you really thought he was just being polite, you could give him another opening to change his mind by minimising the trouble required. "Are you sure? It would only take five seconds to change the order and I have to get back online to do X anyway."

 

And you kept apologising about something that wasn't actually a problem except you made it one. Some kids feel uncomfortable when their parents apologise in any more than a passing way.

 

Another thing, not necessarily directed at you, OP, is that observation should be considered a legitimate way of participating!

 

:)

Rosie

[Alte Veste Academy]

I was a general mildly anxious kid (not like my dd turned out to be) and I do know that if my parent had dragged me to a counselor, I would be very angry. I didn't think there was anything to be counseled about. I think you have to be careful with anxieties. Are the anxieties irrational and troublesome to your child? Or is it simply a greater awareness of dangers that are actually in existence? If the latter, I would not take him to a counselor, It would be futile and possibly cause resentment by your son. You don't change a realist to an optimist.

 

The latter is more what he is like and I absolutely believe if I took him to therapy, he would think something was "wrong with him" and nothing I could say would probably convince him otherwise. I was this way and so is DS. He does not have any irrational fears. We are both realists and pragmatic. He worries about real things (and, ironically, none of it social). He wants to know what would happen if we have a fire, so we made a plan (which is honestly extraordinarily sensible and I felt a little dumb for not doing it even before he brought it up). Once a plan was in place, he relaxed. So, in that way, his worries are not troublesome so much as reasonable stuff that he just needs to see resolved. It's not necessarily typical for a child to worry about the same things adults typically do but it is not debilitating in that once a resolution is found, he relaxes.

 

Another light bulb moment! He feels tremendously responsible for things--fire plans, everyone else's feelings, personal property... Is there such a thing as being too responsible? Perhaps. I'm starting to wonder if it's partially about him needing control of things. Yikes. Maybe he is more like me than I thought, because I definitely have control issues.

 

I was a shy child, and then a very outgoing (or at least outspoken) teen and adult. I don't think my parents should have handled that aspect of my personality any differently. They're both pretty reserved people, though.

 

In our house we have the opposite issue, where my DH is extremely shy and reserved, and our DS is super outgoing and extroverted. There are definitely personality clashes that happen.

 

As to the anxiety issue, that's a whole different thing. I have panic disorder, which didn't become a significant problem until I was 14 or 15, but which I'd had some issues with for as long as I can remember. (Anxiety disorders and particularly panic disorder run on both sides of my family; my maternal grandmother was agoraphobic to the point of not leaving her house for about 15 years at one point.)

 

I wish that my parents--or some adult in my life--could have affirmed the realness and scariness of what I was feeling, even as they assured me that I was and would be fine. I feel like the realness--the fact that my heart really was pounding, I really did feel shaky and sick, etc.--of what was happening to me was just brushed aside, and I was always told that there was nothing wrong and it was all in my head. I thought I was nuts for years, because it seemed to be very much in my body, not just my head!

 

It wasn't until I was older and read a book about panic disorder, which basically said something along the lines of the sensations of panic being very real, very scary, and extremely unpleasant--but also totally harmless and temporary--that I was able to start managing better. I think that maybe before that, it had been hard to trust the people telling me that I'd be fine, because they were also telling me that nothing was wrong and it was all in my head, and I knew that wasn't true. Once the reality of the sensations I was having were validated, then I was able to feel like somebody really got it and also trust that it would be okay.

 

I'm not sure if that's at all clear or helpful or relevant to your son's problems. In any case, I hope you guys figure out lots of positive ways to relate to each other!

 

:grouphug: It was very clear. I understand what you're saying. It's no good to pooh-pooh someone else's feelings. I get how that could make you feel even more worried, in a way. I have made an extra effort to normalize his feelings, partially because I can relate to them but mostly because I do think it can be normal for some people.

 

Thank you for sharing.

[Alte Veste Academy]

FWIW, I would definitely describe introversion as slow-to-warm.

 

Also, typically, introverts recharge more by having alone time rather than needing that connection that extroverts seek quite as much, though I think of it as a contiuum with extreme extrovert on one side and extreme introvert on the other, and most people falling in between toward one side or the other.

 

Thanks. I can't figure him out. He probably is close to the middle of the scale because sometimes he's perfectly happy when it's time to leave a place and sometimes he begs to stay. He's always perfectly happy to get home though, and doesn't isolate himself for decompression or anything. Of course, family is more comfortable and easier to be with than friends in other locations so it doesn't necessarily mean anything. In the end, I guess a label doesn't really matter so much as just figuring out what he needs from day to day.

[Alte Veste Academy]

Oh, it's painful when people do that. :lol: He probably really was ok with being Captain Rex.

 

Ok, I don't know your kid from a bar of soap, but by this stage I'd be feeling bad about being bullied into something I didn't want. I'd said I didn't want you to change the order, and you should have believed me. Now if you really thought he was just being polite, you could give him another opening to change his mind by minimising the trouble required. "Are you sure? It would only take five seconds to change the order and I have to get back online to do X anyway."

 

And you kept apologising about something that wasn't actually a problem except you made it one. Some kids feel uncomfortable when their parents apologise in any more than a passing way.

 

Another thing, not necessarily directed at you, OP, is that observation should be considered a legitimate way of participating!

 

:)

Rosie

 

I wish all this were true. Unfortunately, his facial expression definitely did reveal feelings of disappointment and hurt that I didn't remember. I'm more worried about him feeling cowed into accepting something he didn't want because that is exactly what I feel happens to him too often. If I hadn't changed the order, he wouldn't have gone to bed blissfully happy that my feelings were spared. He would have felt conflicted between sparing my feelings and his own feelings of disappointment and hurt that I didn't insist on doing what I knew he really wanted.

[EthiopianFood]

Going with me to do things she felt I should be old enough to do alone would have given me the confidence later on to do them myself. Pushing me to do things alone that made me uncomfortable just made me more anxious.

[Fleur de Lis]

I've read through all of the responses and what you've said and it sounds like your DS is a LOT like me when I was a kid (and still now some, but I'm learning). I always felt responsible for things. Never wanted anyone to make any trouble for me. Never wanted to ask for anything. Never wanted anyone to go out of their way. I was very sensitive to what other people were feeling and felt responsible for lost personal property (I can still recall several situations of feeling VERY heartbroken for losing something - like a coat). If my mom was crying because she was having a hard day, I think it was even harder on me as I felt like it was somehow my fault. Like a PP mentioned, in retrospect it would have been good for my parents to emphasize to me that certain things are no trouble. In your case with the costume, don't emphasize that you are sorry (maybe this will make him feel bad for you), just tell him you're going to cancel it and it will only take a second.

 

Not teasing is another biggie, and also not criticizing other people behind their backs in front of your DS (we shouldn't do it anyway, but especially don't in front of him). He needs to know that you think positive, charitable thoughts about people at all times in order to boost his confidence that you will respond similarly to anything he might mention to you.

 

Also, encourage your child to pray and read spiritual books. For me, being reminded that God knows all things, even our most secret thoughts, fears, cares, is a huge burden off of my shoulders because I know that I do not have to tell Him anything - He already knows and is already my best friend. You might have to be okay with the fact that you will not ever really know your sons heart as well as your other childrens' and just pray to God that God will guide him and ask for guidance in what your role is in all of it.

[Alte Veste Academy]

I think I get what you are saying. I'm very much an introvert and shy. My oldest is very very similar to me and I still find myself more frustrated with him than my others. Part of it is that I know how he will struggle with certain situations and it hurts me. Wanting to make it easier for him sometimes comes out as frustration with him. Part of it is exactly what you said, that many times I want to help him but he just will not tell what is going on in his mind.

 

Things that I do (not sure if they are right but they feel right to me) are to try and give him space to not share. I really value privacy and have a mother who loves me dearly but believes in sharing everything. I can remember feeling like I had no space of my own growing up. So I'll often hear myself saying something like "C, I can tell you are upset. I can't really help you if you don't tell me what it is. I'm not going to make you tell me but if you want to I'd love to listen." And then the key is I just go back to what I'm doing and leave him alone. Or at least leave him alone from prying...we might be doing something physically together but I just change the topic. There are often times he'll say "I don't want to say" in response to a question about something very simple and as exasperating as it is for me to hear that, I'll just say ok, you don't have to tell.

 

I also value alone time with this child a great deal. We try to do regular "special" times with both boys that might be as simple as a quick bike ride together or more involved like a night out for pizza. We talk about random stuff like Pokemon or what he wants for his birthday. But the setting that is special and the time alone I think make him feel closer to me. And sometimes, just sometimes, he'll talk about things a little deeper and more important.

 

Thank you! Your post is spot on. I appreciate the advice. The alone time is a big, big deal but hard to find around here with DH deployed. That is exactly the kind of stuff he was doing with DH on R&R. The older he gets, the more valuable I can see it's going to be for him to spend that kind of time with us. DD and DS5 are like open books. "I am sad because ______." Cry. Cry. Hug. All better and soon forgotten. DS8 needs time to feel close. Doi. Slow to warm up! To talking about his feelings too. He doesn't just come out and spill them. He needs time to warm up, even with me! Another epiphany! I think I might try to do a regular "late" night with him, since he doesn't need quite as much sleep as my other two anymore.

 

I wish they had listened and acknowledged my issues rather than berating me for being different. The overall attitude towards me was that I was too sensitive and that I needed to buck up and suck it up. That has even extended into my adulthood. In fact, my mom is in total denial that I have Bipolar II, ADD, and OCD. She thinks my doctors are making it up not only to make money off of me, but to coddle my introverted way of life. (I have Kaiser and there is no way they are making money off of me.)

 

:grouphug: That's rotten. I'm sorry. Sometimes all we need is a good strong hug and validation.

 

I wish they had eased me into situations that made me anxious/scared. They were the kind of parents who figured since I was a good kid, they could pretty much let me raise myself and didn't intervene. I was too anxious about TELLING my parents that things made me so nervous, so I'm sure that didn't help, but I would have liked them by my side--or ON my side--as I got used to certain social situations or with school anxieties instead of telling me to just tough it out and deal with it on my own.

 

My oldest deals with mild anxiety issues and social awkwardness/nervousness and I'd like to think I've helped him overcome a great deal of it by being a buffer for him at times and being right behind him as I pushed him gently to stretch himself at others. I think I'm just more *aware* as a parent than mine were, though.

 

Thanks for sharing. I hope I am being a good buffer for DS as well. I try to walk the fine line of encouragement that lies between coddling and pushing.

[Fleur de Lis]

his own feelings of disappointment and hurt that I didn't insist on doing what I knew he really wanted.

 

This is something good that you are recognizing. I always wished people would just DO something they knew I wanted instead of asking me if I want them to (because I'll always say no). If you think he wants something, don't ask him, just tell him you're going to and do it. If he insists that you don't have to, tell him that you are going to because you love him and that it makes you happy to make him happy. He will want to make you happy. :001_smile:

[Alte Veste Academy]

Going with me to do things she felt I should be old enough to do alone would have given me the confidence later on to do them myself. Pushing me to do things alone that made me uncomfortable just made me more anxious.

 

Thanks for sharing. I used to do this with DS and he has made strides with age. I think it's fine for some kids to need their parents' wings for a while longer. I remember when DS was three (and seemed like such a big boy because I had two wee babes) and he was doing father/son gymnastics with DH. They kept telling us how great he was doing and every single class would tell us he was ready for the next level. Well, the next level was not father/son. It was kiddo on his own and sorry buddy but no, he was not ready in all the ways a person can be ready. We told the guy to stop telling us about the other class because he wasn't going to do it at 3. Now I think of that and think :001_rolleyes: about that guy. DS definitely needed my wing. School would have had disastrous consequences for DS and I'm so grateful I am able to HS.

 

I've read through all of the responses and what you've said and it sounds like your DS is a LOT like me when I was a kid (and still now some, but I'm learning). I always felt responsible for things. Never wanted anyone to make any trouble for me. Never wanted to ask for anything. Never wanted anyone to go out of their way. I was very sensitive to what other people were feeling and felt responsible for lost personal property (I can still recall several situations of feeling VERY heartbroken for losing something - like a coat). If my mom was crying because she was having a hard day, I think it was even harder on me as I felt like it was somehow my fault. Like a PP mentioned, in retrospect it would have been good for my parents to emphasize to me that certain things are no trouble. In your case with the costume, don't emphasize that you are sorry (maybe this will make him feel bad for you), just tell him you're going to cancel it and it will only take a second.

 

This is a very good point. Thank you. I probably made too big a deal out of it because I did feel so terrible. He is my kid who is quietly disappointed, as other people have said and then I went and disappointed him...again. But still, I need to practice minimizing any potential drama in a situation.

 

And, yes, this is a very accurate idea of what DS is like. A few weeks ago, DS accidentally knocked everyone's favorite mug off the table with his elbow and it broke. He was instantly deflated and cried out of guilt, not because he broke his favorite mug. He immediately got a paper and pencil and wrote a letter to DH to tell him he broke the mug and to ask DH if he could get another one (it's has DH's unit patch on it). Maybe instead of consoling him and trying to make him feel better, I should have just quickly cleaned it up with a cheerful, "No biggie, Sweetie." (In my defense, it did feel like a big deal. All three of them were wailing over that mug. :tongue_smilie:)

 

Not teasing is another biggie, and also not criticizing other people behind their backs in front of your DS (we shouldn't do it anyway, but especially don't in front of him). He needs to know that you think positive, charitable thoughts about people at all times in order to boost his confidence that you will respond similarly to anything he might mention to you.

 

You make excellent points. Thank you!