Did my MIL cross the line?

[Melabella]

Last weekend there was a family birthday party for my nephew at his father's home. The nephew is from a previous marriage and until recently has spent very little time with his father. The father is recently remarried and just settled into a new home. The boy was celebrating his 7th birthday, and at the party were the step-mother's children and the boy's cousin. It was decided at the party that all four children would be staying the night at the father and step-mother's home.

 

The last time the boy spent the night with his father, he became homesick before bed and cried for his mother. They father and step-mother were able to reassure the boy and he went to sleep. MIL was told about the incident at some point. MIL became concerned that the boy would become homesick again, so she announced that she would also stay the night. Her plan was that instead of the children sleeping in the bedroom with the bunkbeds, she would "camp out" with them in the living room. While she drove home (just a few miles away) to get her overnight bag, the step-mother expressed her displeasure to her husband (MIL's son) because 1.) MIL did not ask if anyone wanted her to spend the night or if it was okay - she just said she was, and 2.) the step-mother felt that they were capable of handling the boy and did not need or want MIL's help.

 

I agreed with the step-mother and brought up similar incidents that have occured in the past. My husband has always agreed with me when we've discusses those incidents, so I wasn't saying anything he hadn't heard or even thought himself. Over the next two days, the whole family (3 siblings, their spouses, and MIL/FIL) became embroiled in the argument with the step-mother and me on one side and everyone else defending MIL. Their argument is that she did it out of love and selflessness. Our argument is that she crossed a line of respect for the son and his wife. Boundaries. Would you be upset if you were the step-mother?

[Catwoman]

Yes. It's her house, and if she wanted MIL to spend the night, she would have invited her. At the very least, MIL should have (privately -- not in front of the kids) offered to "camp out" overnight to help with the children.

 

And her husband should have supported her.

[love2read]

I would be upset. I'd also have taken my sister's advice, the sister with the horrible MIL, and just left the kids for the MIL to deal with including cleaning up all related messes. My sister can make lemonade out of anything.

I hope this quiets down soon and doesn't create long standing problems for you.

[jelbe5]

If I read this correctly, yes. MIL could have asked if dad and step-mom wanted extra help, etc. But she just decided she was staying, correct? Yes, I think she overstepped here, even though she was probably trying to be helpful. It is dad and step-mom's home, so I think they should be left to handle the situation (and apparently they did a good job when the boy became anxious previously).

[Elizabeth in MN]

I think it's wonderful that the grandmother loves her grandson so very much that she changes around her life to help him.

[Samiam]

She crossed a small line.

 

But I've heard MUCH MUCH worse.

 

I think it was one of those situations where, while you are annoyed, you just grin and bear it, for peace in the family. OR the son/husband of the two woman should have stepped up, pulled his mother to the side, and politely told her that while they appreciated her gesture, they did't feel it is necessary. Had it been handled more "under the carpet" versus a big, situation, it might not have come to this.

 

Course, that is easier said than done, I know....and I have my own annoying MIL issues, that I have not always dealt with in the right way, in the moment.

[Joanne]

If I have the people right, I agree with you and step mother.

 

G'ma is undermining the building relationship between father (and step mother) and son.

[Guest IdahoMtnMom]

You and your Sister in Law were 100%. Your MIL far overstepped her bounds. Period.

[Jean in Newcastle]

MIL crossed a line that should have been drawn in the sand before she left to get her bag. I realize that your SIL probably felt uncomfortable drawing it before she talked to her husband but I think that once MIL announced her intention, she felt like she had tacit permission to stay since no one objected.

[Farrar]

Obviously she did. And like Joanne said, she got between the dad and his kid.

[cuckoomamma]

I defer to the comfort of the birthday boy. It sounds like MIL was very concerned about him staying at his father's with whom he hasn't spent a great deal of time. From a complete outsider's perspective, I feel like everyone should put their own likes/dislikes aside and be fully focused on helping that little guy feel as comfortable as possible.

 

Neither of my children at that age would have been comfortable with a sleep over with someone that they hadn't spent much time with. And, as a child with divorced parents, that type of situation would have given me a great deal of anxiety.

 

IMHO, step-mom should have been supportive of anything that made the situation work for the little guy.

[endurancerider]

I think that it depends upon the relationship that the MIL has the DIL and son. For some families, it would be welcome for MIL to visit and stay the night without notice. However, it is impolite to show up and announce that you are going to spend the night at someone else's home, instead of asking, especially when that is not the type of relationship that you have (and it obviously isn't in this case). And when confronted about how it is not OK, it is simply rude (of MIL and family) to insist on it, and further proves that MIL has boundary issues.

[Little Nyssa]

She did, but I would stay out of it.

[RanchGirl]

G'ma is undermining the building relationship between father (and step mother) and son.

 

:iagree: who knows what her true intentions are. Even if her motive was 100% pure, her behavior was rude and overbearing and IF her true concern is grandson's welfare, it should be obvious that it is in his best interest to bond with dad and stepmom. Now does he look back at the party and feel loved by stepmom and dad who hosted the party to bond with him and make him happy, or does he feel coddled by grandma? Grandma should coddle on her own time at her own house. She invaded stepmom's time and home.... Very unkind.

Edited October 14, 2011 by RanchGirl

[Melabella]

Thank you all for your input. As the previous poster said, I feel that her intentions were 100% pure, but her actions were rude and overbearing. My husband agrees with me; however, it was a situation of 'I can talk about my mama, but no one else can.' :)

 

The step-mother, to maintain peace as the newcomer to the family, backed down and apologized to everyone for not being appreciative of MIL's assistance. I am not apologizing to anyone for my opinion. Had she asked to stay the night, I would have a different opinion. Although, I still would have thought it unnecessary as the father and step-mother were perfectly capable of handling the situation. I did not express my opinion to anyone other than the step-mother and my husband, and I knew both were in complete agreement with me at the time. My DH brought the rest of the family into the discussion which caused a lot of hurt feelings, then he sided with them. Argh!

 

This is certainly not the first instance of coddling and crossing boundaries with her children and grandchildren. Yet, I am always made out to be the irrational, crazy woman because I think differently than they do.

[kolamum]

:grouphug:

 

The thing about mil's is that they often do things out of love, but love doesn't excuse wrong. She might have meant well, but she was invited and had a child self invited him or herself would it have been frowned upon? Absolutely. What makes an adult different.

 

I'm sorry it's caused a big ugly fight though. That totally stinks. I tend to say things like, "I know your mum means well and I know she loves us, but I'm uncomfortable with her ...." Often times dh is taken aback and says, "She did what?!"

 

I really hope that when I'm a mil, I'm respectful kind and loving without overstepping bounds on any of them. I hope I can show my "children in law" grace without ever feeling like I need to be more forward towards them, kwim? Having said that, I really do have a good relationship with my mil, we just have the very occasional "you're making me want to scream!" :lol:

[kalanamak]

 

I agreed with the step-mother and brought up similar incidents that have occured in the past.

 

I agree with the step mother, but if MIL did this and was not-unhelpful and not in the way, I'd let it ride. It sounds like the kind of faux pas I might make with a completely generous intent. However, if MIL is a pain in the patoot as a guest (noisy, messy, keeps the kids up late, gets them worked up, etc), I'd pull her aside when she went out to her car and tell her please, no. Ideally, one of her own children would do this. Then just tell the kids granny can't make it tonight.

[WishboneDawn]

I think you and the step-mom were right but I think the bigger issue was helping the step-mom deal with this in a way that wouldn't cause her a lot of stress.

 

The advice I might have given would be to suck it up and let it go that night and then at a later date talk about it, in private, with her husband. Her issue is with the MIL and her DH, not the whole family and there was no need to make it a big family issue that eventually made her feel like she had to apologize.

[Princess Peach]

Over the next two days, the whole family (3 siblings, their spouses, and MIL/FIL) became embroiled in the argument with the step-mother and me on one side and everyone else defending MIL. Their argument is that she did it out of love and selflessness. Our argument is that she crossed a line of respect for the son and his wife. Boundaries. Would you be upset if you were the step-mother?

 

Yes, I would be upset if I were the step-mother. However, as to the bolded above, I would have stayed out of it and think the others should have, too. It really should be between the father/step-mother and MIL. It shouldn't blow up into a whole family argument. JMO!

[Mommyof4ks]

Yes. It's her house, and if she wanted MIL to spend the night, she would have invited her. At the very least, MIL should have (privately -- not in front of the kids) offered to "camp out" overnight to help with the children.

 

And her husband should have supported her.

 

:iagree: MIL crossed the line, and it would irritate me that she encroached on our family time without asking.

[Annie]

Yes, it's rude to invite yourself to stay at someone's house.

[Parker Martin]

When she announced that she was staying, why didn't they politely decline?

 

"Oh, that is so nice of you to offer. That won't be necessary though. We've got it under control."

 

Why is the whole family arguing about it? Seems like the incident is an issue between the MIL and the couple. Sounds like boundaries are missing everywhere.

[HS Mom in NC]

1) It's wrong to insist on staying at a home where you aren't invited.

 

2) Any concerns about the boy should have been addressed privately between the parents and the Granny. Any objections and issues about the situation should also be handled privately between the parents and Granny. Teaming up and arguing with other family members is a very bad family dynamic. It should end immediately. These things can snowball quickly.

 

(I say this having had, in the first 16 years of my life a step-dad, and 2 step-mothers and 6 step-siblings over the years in addition to my biological brother and sets of grandparents and step-grandparents. I know all about these kinds of situations. Unless someone was directly involved or directly affected, they should stay out of it and keep their thoughts to themselves.)

 

3) Just because a child might get homesick is no reason to insist on staying. She could simply say, "If he needs to come home, give me a call at any hour of the night and I can get him."

 

4) Even if he is homesick, Dad (who now IS in his life) can be the dad and handle it. It's possible the child might become entirely inconsolable or something, in which case 3) can kick in but odds are, a little reassurance from dad is all he needs.

[gardenmom5]

yes, she was over the line, she should have at least made it a suggestion to/asked the parents. she backed them against the wall, and did interfere in her son having time with his child. That's between son and mil, (and possibly step-mom). Since the boy who was previously homesick was mil's own blood grandson (I'm not biased against step-grandchildren, but have known many grandparents who are), I can believe her motives were well-meant, even if her method needed work.

 

yes, you were inappropriate in bringing up previous incidents that really had no bearing on the day.

[elfgivas]

fwiw, it doesn't really matter whether she overstepped or not.

 

what matters is how to handle it now.

 

arguing about it, talking about it amongst the adults, etc, etc is simply not so helpful.

 

a discussion with the grandmother and the home where she stayed that goes something like

 

"we are trying to build connections for our family. we'd like your help with that. if you have concerns like you did the other night, it would help us if you would just take one of us aside and speak with us privately. we need time as a family to reconnect, and while we know you were trying to be helpful, it sort of short-circuited our hopes for the night."

 

and then any time anyone else in the family mentions it to you, a stock answer would help.

 

"it was unfortunate that it all unfolded the way it did. i'm glad the ds was able to spend the night. that's a step forward, isn't it? How about those Leafs?/Cowboys/Cardinals?"

 

ann

[DusksAngel]

If I understand correctly, the "fighting" is happening because you shared your opinion with the step mom and your dh, both of which agreed with you... and dh brought the rest of the family in and then changed sides.

 

1) MIL was rude

2) More importantly, my dh and I would be having a long conversation about telling me he supported me and then taking another stance when HE involves his family. He didn't need to involve anyone else in a private conversation either. Both would be extremely hurtful!

3) I let a LOT of things go on all 3 sides of my family (parents divorced, family remarried) but I will not apologize just because they don't like my opinion. If you don't want it, don't ask for it.

[Catwoman]

Yet, I am always made out to be the irrational, crazy woman because I think differently than they do.

 

Maybe you're the only one in the family who's not intimidated by your MIL.

[AHASRADA]

I think I would need some background history of MIL being pushy and hard-headed in order to agree with the OP.

 

Based on this incident alone, I see no problem whatsoever with her offering to spend the night. I know, she didn't offer, she "announced", but some people are like that. They see what they perceive to be a problem and set out to fix it. It can be annoying, but they only mean well. She doesn't want her grandson to have an uncomfortable night. If the *kids* preferred not to have her there, grandma could have been taken aside and gently told that, while they appreciated the gesture, dgs was really looking forward to having a sleepover with his siblings/cousins, staying up late doing kid things, etc., without an adult crashing the party. Hopefully she would understand. But the adults being bothered? I just can't see it.

 

I am imagining either my mother or my MIL doing the same, and everyone would be thrilled with the idea, including the dcs. Of course, we have a great relationship and it wouldn't be unusual for them to want to sleep over after a bday party anyway. Why not continue the fun!

 

I can see how the dynamic would be different if this is a constant battle of territory and MIL overstepping boundaries. On it's own, though, no biggie.

[Melabella]

I agree that the rest of the family should not have been brought into this matter. I only spoke with the step-mother because she was visibly upset, and I could sympathize with her. No one else in the family is ever fazed by MILs overbearing behavior, so, I must admit, it was nice to have someone else see things from my perspective. I encouraged the step-mother and her husband to call MIL and tell her, in a polite way, that she needn't return. That didn't happen.

 

My DH mentined the situation to his sister as we were leaving, and he now realizes that was a bad move. Yes, we had quite a "discussion" about his role in this matter.

 

There are a lot of great things about my MIL. She is truly a lovely person. We just have very different personalities and child rearing beliefs.

 

I posed this question to the hive just to be sure I am not completely off base in my thinking. It seems the majority agree that MIL crossed some boundaries, regardless of her intentions.

[RanchGirl]

When she announced that she was staying, why didn't they politely decline?

 

"Oh, that is so nice of you to offer. That won't be necessary though. We've got it under control."

 

Why is the whole family arguing about it? Seems like the incident is an issue between the MIL and the couple. Sounds like boundaries are missing everywhere.

 

:iagree: both the OP and her new SIL are going to have to learn how to politely but firmly insist with MIL if she is like this all the time. Because being right after the fact about whether or not MIL was rude doesn't matter in the end, and the whole family arguing makes everyone look bad. Stopping it from happening would have been much better and in this situation, it was completely within the control of stepmom and her husband to firmly decline the announced intentions of MIL.

[DesertDweller]

Doing something for someone out of love and selflessness doesn't excuse the use of good manners. Personally, I find when the love and selflessness arguement come up it sounds more like someone trying to be controlling.

 

I agree that she overstepped in this situation. It isn't her home. Regardless of intentions she should have asked if it would be okay and not assumed.

[Ellie]

Well, I don't think it's necessary to use language that's so, I don't know, inflammatory, or antagonistic, or something. She acted presumptively, but to say that she "crossed the line" is kind of strong. She meant well, after all, didn't she?

 

So, could the father not have smilingly gotten in her face and said something like, "Thanks, Mom, but we have it handled"?

[SKL]

Not knowing the family, yes, it sounds like she overstepped. However, in some families, a parent doesn't have to ask whether it's OK to spend the night. So it's hard to say as an outsider.

 

I would have let it go though. What if she had "asked," would they have told her "no"? It's not worth family feud, in my opinion.

[Unscripted]

I think she absolutely crossed a line (with good intentions and all). But I truly think the men should've handled it from the get-go, she is *their* mother. There are boundaries, and I believe that the child of said in law (in this case your and SIL's DH) should always be the one to be the messenger- when it's possible. That takes the "evil DIL" thing out of the whole situation... And the resulting huge family argument and choosing sides.

Edited October 14, 2011 by Unscripted
It's Friday.

[Melabella]

Based on this incident alone, I see no problem whatsoever with her offering to spend the night. I know, she didn't offer, she "announced", but some people are like that. They see what they perceive to be a problem and set out to fix it. It can be annoying, but they only mean well. She doesn't want her grandson to have an uncomfortable night. If the *kids* preferred not to have her there, grandma could have been taken aside and gently told that, while they appreciated the gesture, dgs was really looking forward to having a sleepover with his siblings/cousins, staying up late doing kid things, etc., without an adult crashing the party. Hopefully she would understand. But the adults being bothered? I just can't see it.

 

You see, it would bother me. Maybe it is because I don't have the best relationship with my MIL. I would not feel able to relax in my home with her there. But, my issues are that she did not ask (she was an univited guest) and she did not allow the parent the opportunity to parent. In my opinion, she has a need for being needed. She creates situations that cause everyone to be dependent upon her. She has become a martyr for her children and grandchildren, in a way that is unhealthy for her and everyone else. Her adult children, all of whom are over 35, are still deeply dependent upon her.

 

For instance, for the first ten or so years of our marriage, my husband would call his mother in the middle of one of our arguments and have her come to our house to intervene on his behalf. Yeah! He is mostly broken of that behavior now, but oh.my.word.

 

Another grandchild began spending the night with MIL every Saturday at about age 4. However, she would invariably wake up in the middle of the night, crying and wanting to go home. MIL would drive her home. This happened every Saturday night for over a year until the child was able to stay the whole night. It was certainly MIL's decision to do that, but I think it was wrong to do it. Either the child should not have been allowed to spend the night until she was ready/more mature or the MIL should have stuck it out, reassuring the child. The child is more than comfortable with MIL; in fact, she spends more time with MIL than with her own parents. It was, in my opinion, a control/power struggle issue.

[Susann]

I think it's wonderful that the grandmother loves her grandson so very much that she changes around her life to help him.

 

But he didn't need help. He hadn't expressed any concern & had been reassured the pervious time it did happen. Also, MIL didn't discuss beforehand offering her assistance but announced she would be staying without invitation. Definately overstepped!

[Melabella]

But he didn't need help. He hadn't expressed any concern & had been reassured the pervious time it did happen. Also, MIL didn't discuss beforehand offering her assistance but announced she would be staying without invitation. Definately overstepped!

 

 

Exactly! The child was not in danger. Is a child never to feel any discomfort? Nobody but MIL was concerned and she certainly didn't discuss the concerns with anybody before announcing she would be staying.

[happi duck]

If I have the people right, I agree with you and step mother.

 

G'ma is undermining the building relationship between father (and step mother) and son.

 

:iagree:

[Catwoman]

For instance, for the first ten or so years of our marriage, my husband would call his mother in the middle of one of our arguments and have her come to our house to intervene on his behalf.

 

:eek::eek::eek::eek:

 

I think that you have just given us a new perspective on your MIL's personality.

 

FWIW, I think you should be nominated for sainthood:Angel_anim: because if my dh had ever pulled a fast one like that, he would have been going home with his mom after the argument... for good.

 

Your MIL sounds like a real piece of work, but she wouldn't get away with it if her adult children didn't let her control them and treat them like babies.

 

You have my sympathy. :grouphug:

[Jean in Newcastle]

In my opinion, she has a need for being needed. She creates situations that cause everyone to be dependent upon her.

 

There you go. Now that you and your SIL understand that, you have to decide. Is it one of those shake your heads with a smile and say "That's MIL for you." or is it one of those "head her off at the pass because you know it's coming" sort of situations? My MIL has made herself into the Matriarch of the family and we butted heads a lot. Now I ask myself each time the above question and deal accordingly. What I DON'T do is to let it go and then try to confront or reason with her about it. It doesn't work (in my situation).

 

Just so you can see that I do understand, my MIL would call at dinner time and say "I have XXXX's dinner ready." (Never dinner for both of us, btw). I would reply. "What a coincidence. So do I." My dh was a very very wise man and chose to eat my dinner.

[AHASRADA]

 

You see, it would bother me. Maybe it is because I don't have the best relationship with my MIL. I would not feel able to relax in my home with her there. But, my issues are that she did not ask (she was an univited guest) and she did not allow the parent the opportunity to parent.

 

I guess we are just coming from different family cultures. In my family, parents are not "guests" and don't need to be "invited". We are accustomed to the attitude that a child's house is defacto the parents' house and it is their prerogative to stop by whenever they want and stay as long as they want. Yes, some kind consideration in the way of asking in advance if it is a good time, etc. is appreciated, but bottom line, it is their right as a parent to make use of their child's home.

 

I think there is a lot of history here that is making this a bigger issue than it should be.

[SweetMissMagnolia]

yeah she definately should have asked first.....sounds like she was just barging in and taking over.......UGH....:grouphug:

[Catwoman]

Just so you can see that I do understand, my MIL would call at dinner time and say "I have XXXX's dinner ready." (Never dinner for both of us, btw). I would reply. "What a coincidence. So do I." My dh was a very very wise man and chose to eat my dinner.

 

PERFECT response, Jean! :thumbup: