S/O Other Parents are Irresponsible

[missmoe]

On another thread about how to deal with s-texting I see the opinion expressed that talking to the parents involved may be fruitless, so skip that step in dealing with the problem.

 

I see this viewpoint expressed here over and over. It seems that many assume other parents aren't teaching values to their children.

 

This bothers me.

 

I feel this thought process is extremely judgemental. Since when does one assume bad behavior of a child means a parent doesn't care, is not teaching good values, or is negligent?

 

I think that most parents are trying very hard to teach values to their child. The values may not be mine; their methods may not be mine, but that isn't a reason to be dismissive of what they are doing.

Edited September 21, 2011 by missmoe

[RanchGirl]

I think most parents do not want to hear from outsiders about potential problems with their children. I assume parents are well-meaning, but either they're already aware of it and they're doing the best they can, or they're in denial. Either way, it's not going to help if I point things out.

[missmoe]

I don't understand that viewpoint.

 

Would you want someone to talk to you about a problem?

[Jennifer3141]

I don't see other parents as irresponsible. I see other families have different values.

 

And without actually seeing the EXACT texts, I'm not sure how involved the boy's parents should be.

 

Again, is the OP ready to be yelled by the parents? What if they laugh about it with their son and he starts a bullying campaign against the OP's daughter? Is the OP ready to go to the mat on this? I don't know so I say start at the beginning and work your way through the system.

 

Without the context of the texts and the boy's family, I would start by letting the boy know a mom is involved and block the boy from the phone permanently.

 

It's a cell phone, not a landline so the OP can easily stop things from this point on.

 

And I think the OP in this instance needs to communicate with her DD too. Her DD should have come to her the moment she got the first text that made her uncomfortable. That tells me that communication between the OP and her DD may need to be improved and maybe the OP isn't the strongest, more direct person out there. Setting her up to call the boy's parents when we have NO idea what they are like will not empower the OP then and could potentially hurt her.

[curlylocks]

I don't think it's as simple as "lumping" parents into one category or another. I think one has to take it on a case-by-case basis -- in my experience, in situations I have dealt with, some parents have proven themselves to be irresponsible; others have different values. As a parent, I weed out which is which and deal with each situation accordingly.

[Caterpiller]

Children have minds of their own. They are not little mirrors of their parents. The old saying, "It takes a village to raise a child." Is true IMO. If you see a child doing something, and that child isn't telling the parent then how do you expect the parent to know? Um, you tell them. It is one thing to say things to the parents like, "Your child is a perverted twit who needs to leave my child alone." and "Your child has been texting my daughter xyz, heres the proof. I think you should talk to him about it."

 

I think parents don't contact other parents because they are afraid of confrontation.

 

Also I think that if other parents were to report things more, we would see less adolscent violence, which for the record is out of control these days.

[missmoe]

I don't see other parents as irresponsible. I see other families have different values.

 

And without actually seeing the EXACT texts, I'm not sure how involved the boy's parents should be.

 

Again, is the OP ready to be yelled by the parents? What if they laugh about it with their son and he starts a bullying campaign against the OP's daughter? Is the OP ready to go to the mat on this? I don't know so I say start at the beginning and work your way through the system.

 

Without the context of the texts and the boy's family, I would start by letting the boy know a mom is involved and block the boy from the phone permanently.

 

It's a cell phone, not a landline so the OP can easily stop things from this point on.

 

And I think the OP in this instance needs to communicate with her DD too. Her DD should have come to her the moment she got the first text that made her uncomfortable. That tells me that communication between the OP and her DD may need to be improved and maybe the OP isn't the strongest, more direct person out there. Setting her up to call the boy's parents when we have NO idea what they are like will not empower the OP then and could potentially hurt her.

 

I agree with everything you've said, but I don't understand the part I've made red. What is the thought process that takes one to a place where they would think the parents would laugh about the actions with their kids? That would have never entered my mind.

 

How would calling the parents be a set up?

 

I do think talking the boy and then the parents is the first step of working one's way through the system.

[jplain]

I've rarely had a good experience confronting parents about a child's behavior unless we were already good acquaintances. If I'm not certain the other parents are even-keeled, I'm much more likely to bring an issue like sexting to the school's attention.

 

Most recently, I was at a children's museum in an exhibit with large foam bricks for kids to experiment with (ie. what stacking patterns make the strongest walls?). A preschool-aged child gleefully and systematically destroyed every other child's structure. It was a little dangerous too, as he usually knocked down the hapless and unsuspecting builder too. The mom was off in a corner chatting with another mom. After the third unwanted demolition of their structures, both my 5yo and 7yo were in tears. I approached the mom and very gently suggested that her child needed some supervision. She glared at me, grabbed her child, and stalked off. Her friend followed, loudly accusing me of being uptight and unreasonable.

 

Sure, my intervention resolved the situation, and yes, it was a fairly minor incident. But I don't need that kind of conflict in my day, and my kids don't need to be exposed to adults behaving badly either. I don't want to be yelled at, or perhaps worse. Experiences like this make me much more eager to bring in neutral parties like museum staff or school staff, rather than trying to handle it privately with other parents.

[theYoungerMrsWarde]

I would still talk to the parents, even if I thought that it would accomplish nothing (but I would also be willing to "go to the mat" as someone said.) I think it is widely believed (in America, or maybe it's just CA) that parents aren't instilling values in their kids. Who are they to force morality on their children? Its a personal choice! Or they could be the kind of parents who have let the tv and public school raise their child for them. Or the parents who think something like that is just harmless pranks, its-a-joke-lighten-up-already. I would guess that parents that fall in those three categories encompass over 50% of parents, and probably a greater percentage found at a public school, so I think the expectation is reasonable, but communication should still be attempted. She might get lucky.

[Crimson Wife]

Frankly, I've found that only a small fraction of the parents in my area hold traditional Judeo-Christian values. Obviously, parents who try to teach their kids Biblical values aren't always successful. Our sinful nature makes all of us (including children) vulnerable to temptation and we will stray off the narrow path from time to time. But it seems today that hardly anybody even TRIES to teach their kids right from wrong. Every day, I witness bad behavior from children witnessed but uncorrected by parents. :glare:

 

My kids are not angels. They squabble FAR too much. The 9 y.o. needs to work on not being a smart aleck & talking back disrespectfully. The 5 y.o. still needs work on not resorting to physical aggression when he gets angry. The 2 y.o. needs to work on tantrum control, sharing, and the typical toddler issues. But unlike so many parents today, I don't ignore these bratty behaviors. I take an active role in trying to nip them in the bud.

 

I'm not going to judge a parent by the child's misbehavior, but I AM going to judge the parent for letting it slide.

[Jennifer3141]

I agree with everything you've said, but I don't understand the part I've made red. What is the thought process that would even take one to a place where they would think the parents would laugh about the actions with their kids? That would have never entered my mind.

 

How would calling the parents be a set up?

 

I do think talking the boy and then the parents is the first step of working one's way through the system.

 

Again, because I have ZERO idea of what the texts actually said so I have ZERO idea of what the boy's family is actually like. Was violence mentioned? Body parts? The actual act of "hmm hmm" itself? What?

 

We have people here who think, "Shut yer trap" is offensive and people here who think it's hysterically funny. I personally find that phrasage just plain odd.

 

We have the entire SPECTRUM here on this board of people's perspectives on offensive material and outside of child porn, I bet we'd get almost ZERO agreement on it.

 

I have ZERO idea of what the OP finds offensive as well. I am cognizant that the boy's family may read the texts and find nothing offensive at all in them.

 

Is the OP prepared for that? Is she prepared to be laughed at, ridiculed, or be yelled at? Is her DD ready for any social repercussions against her for being a "baby" or a "tattletale?" Has this situation triggered something in the OP a'la our other threads about "Protecting the Gift?"

 

I don't set my friends up to potentially fail at something and until I know otherwise, I am going to treat the OP as a friend. :001_smile:

And without more information about the other family, I would not advise the OP to go poking around in there.

 

If you find a hole with a snake in it and you've got a stick, you'll probably pull out a garter snake. But every once in awhile, you'll get a rattlesnake. So be prepared for the rattlesnake and if a garter snake pops out, all you are is overprepared. :D

 

It's a cell phone. Block the kid. And keep your eyes and ears a little more open to what's going on with the DD.

Edited September 21, 2011 by Jennifer3141

[missmoe]

Hm that stinks.

 

That does stink.

[Crimson Wife]

Most recently, I was at a children's museum in an exhibit with large foam bricks for kids to experiment with (ie. what stacking patterns make the strongest walls?). A preschool-aged child gleefully and systematically destroyed every other child's structure. It was a little dangerous too, as he usually knocked down the hapless and unsuspecting builder too. The mom was off in a corner chatting with another mom. After the third unwanted demolition of their structures, both my 5yo and 7yo were in tears. I approached the mom and very gently suggested that her child needed some supervision. She glared at me, grabbed her child, and stalked off. Her friend followed, loudly accusing me of being uptight and unreasonable.

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

Except it's been my experience that usually the other mom actually DID see her bratty kid terrorizing others yet still did nothing. :glare:

[Jennifer3141]

That all makes sense.

 

 

Well then I couldn't have written it!!! :D

[gingersmom]

In my experience pointing out to a parent that their beloved child was bullying my daughter and giving out her cell phone number to strangers led to a 10 minute phone message (tirade) filled with 4 letter words and some words I never even knew existed.

[Harriet Vane]

On the one hand, there are many parents who do not respond well to a discussion of their child's misbehavior.

 

On the other hand, I firmly believe that the first recourse is to talk to the parents UNLESS I have reason to suspect that the parent is actually, truly abusive. Whether or not that other parent will choose to take responsibility is not my problem--it is right for the other parent to be told and given the opportunity to make it right.

[Orthodox6]

In the other thread, I do not remember that it was suggested to omit speaking with the boy's parents. It was, instead, suggested that speaking with them might not be productive, and to be prepared for that.

 

It already has been noted that the entire spectrum of human behaviour and viewpoints is represented on this message board. It also is true that, in general, people express viewpoints derived from their real life experiences. If one has had direct interaction with some "out to lunch" parents, it is not being judgmental to acknowledge this.

Edited September 21, 2011 by Orthodox6

[twoforjoy]

I generally assume that I'm the most irresponsible parent I know.

[WishboneDawn]

On another thread about how to deal with s-texting I see the opinion expressed that talking to the parents involved may be fruitless, so skip that step in dealing with the problem.

 

I see this viewpoint expressed here over and over. It seems that many assume other parents aren't teaching values to their children.

 

This bothers me.

 

I feel this thought process is extremely judgemental. Since when does one assume bad behavior of a child means a parent doesn't care, is not teaching good values, or is negligent?

 

I think that most parents are trying very hard to teach values to their child. The values may not be mine; their methods may not be mine, but that isn't a reason to be dismissive of what they are doing.

 

:iagree:

 

And I think using that as an excuse not to contact parents when you think their child might be in moral peril is, well, irresponsible.

[swellmomma]

I completely agree with you Miss Moe, I certainly want to know when the kids are misbehaving. I can't correct the behaviour if I don't know about it. My kids are bad often, it has nothing to do with bad parenting. I usually approach the parents first, but there is certain families I no longer go that route because past experience with them has proven that it is not helpful. I tend to assume the parents actually do care abut their child's behaviour and would want to be made aware of it as I do until they prove me wrong.

 

ETA: how the parent's are approached makes the biggest difference in whether or not it becomes a conflict. If you go to them saying "Your Johnny did xyz" it comes across like tattling and parents get their defenses up (I am the same way). I usually go to them and say "A is telling me there was an issue of xyz, I was hoping to get the other side of this story". Typically that gets the parents open to finding out what was going on and dealing with little johnny or janey and not getting defensive. I have only had 3 families ever that the parents did not respond positively to this kind of approach.

Edited September 21, 2011 by swellmomma

[Impish]

ETA: how the parent's are approached makes the biggest difference in whether or not it becomes a conflict. If you go to them saying "Your Johnny did xyz" it comes across like tattling and parents get their defenses up (I am the same way). I usually go to them and say "A is telling me there was an issue of xyz, I was hoping to get the other side of this story". Typically that gets the parents open to finding out what was going on and dealing with little johnny or janey and not getting defensive. I have only had 3 families ever that the parents did not respond positively to this kind of approach.

Depends on the situation. If I witness a kid deliberately hurting another, or hucking a rock into someone's windshield, there really isn't another way of saying it, other than, "I just saw your kid do..."

 

I've found dealing with other parents to be ineffective, generally speaking. That being said, I still make the initial attempt.

 

However, you don't always know the other parents, or contact info, esp if its a kid at the park or where ever that doesn't have an adult with them.

[eewaggie99]

I generally assume that I'm the most irresponsible parent I know.

 

So true! I always approach the situation as, "I don't know what happened but I wanted you to know."

 

For example, my daughter and a friend were caught in a neighbor's backyard, which has a pool. They claimed the neighbor's child let them in the yard. I told the parents my child was in the backyard and we have talked to her about not going back there (dangerous, wrong, etc.) THEN, I mention my child's claim with the caveat that I don't know what happened but I wanted to keep you informed.

 

if my child was texting in appropriately, I would want to know. Since the OP doesn't know the full story, she should only say what she discovered and that she's talked to her own child about it. Kids that age say nasty things to each other, but children need to know this behavior is dangerous and could get them in trouble.

[myfunnybunch]

On the one hand, there are many parents who do not respond well to a discussion of their child's misbehavior.

 

On the other hand, I firmly believe that the first recourse is to talk to the parents UNLESS I have reason to suspect that the parent is actually, truly abusive. Whether or not that other parent will choose to take responsibility is not my problem--it is right for the other parent to be told and given the opportunity to make it right.[/QUOTE]

 

I agree, especially with the bolded.

 

Cat

[twoforjoy]

So true! I always approach the situation as, "I don't know what happened but I wanted you to know."

 

I generally go with, "I don't know what happened, but let me apologize anyway for whatever my son did, because I'm sure he did something." ;)

 

My poor DS is a good boy with a good heart, but, man, he's a troublemaker. At this point, if we're hanging out with friends and somebody yells, the other moms will tell me right away that it wasn't my DS if he wasn't involved, because they know my first response is always "What did you do?!"

[missmoe]

:

.

 

I'm not going to judge a parent by the child's misbehavior, but I AM going to judge the parent for letting it slide.

 

Oh my, I find this scary. I have had a person judge me for how I've dealt with my son. She had no idea how I actually dealt with the situation though. I didn't feel the need to share with her what was going on at home to deal with the situation. And yes, I did deal with it differently than I'm sure she would have.

 

When does it become right to judge anybody? How is you judging them going to help anybody?

[missmoe]

I would still talk to the parents, even if I thought that it would accomplish nothing (but I would also be willing to "go to the mat" as someone said.) I think it is widely believed (in America, or maybe it's just CA) that parents aren't instilling values in their kids. Who are they to force morality on their children? Its a personal choice! Or they could be the kind of parents who have let the tv and public school raise their child for them. Or the parents who think something like that is just harmless pranks, its-a-joke-lighten-up-already. I would guess that parents that fall in those three categories encompass over 50% of parents, and probably a greater percentage found at a public school, so I think the expectation is reasonable, but communication should still be attempted. She might get lucky.

 

See, I have met hardly any parents that aren't actively trying to raise their children to the best of their ability. Their abilities may be lacking or different than mine, but who am I to say oh, they are letting tv or the public school system raise their children?

 

This is what is bothering me---the attitude of we (the hive or homeschoolers) are better parents than others.

[missmoe]

Again, because I have ZERO idea of what the texts actually said so I have ZERO idea of what the boy's family is actually like. Was violence mentioned? Body parts? The actual act of "hmm hmm" itself? What?

 

We have people here who think, "Shut yer trap" is offensive and people here who think it's hysterically funny. I personally find that phrasage just plain odd.

 

We have the entire SPECTRUM here on this board of people's perspectives on offensive material and outside of child porn, I bet we'd get almost ZERO agreement on it.

 

I have ZERO idea of what the OP finds offensive as well. I am cognizant that the boy's family may read the texts and find nothing offensive at all in them.

 

Is the OP prepared for that? Is she prepared to be laughed at, ridiculed, or be yelled at? Is her DD ready for any social repercussions against her for being a "baby" or a "tattletale?" Has this situation triggered something in the OP a'la our other threads about "Protecting the Gift?"

 

I don't set my friends up to potentially fail at something and until I know otherwise, I am going to treat the OP as a friend. :001_smile:

And without more information about the other family, I would not advise the OP to go poking around in there.

 

If you find a hole with a snake in it and you've got a stick, you'll probably pull out a garter snake. But every once in awhile, you'll get a rattlesnake. So be prepared for the rattlesnake and if a garter snake pops out, all you are is overprepared. :D

 

It's a cell phone. Block the kid. And keep your eyes and ears a little more open to what's going on with the DD.

 

Okay Jennifer, thanks for taking the time to explain your view point. I really hadn't thought of it as trying to protect a friend. That makes sense to me.

[twoforjoy]

Oh my, I find this scary. I have had a person judge me for how I've dealt with my son. She had no idea how I actually dealt with the situation though. I didn't feel the need to share with her what was going on at home to deal with the situation. And yes, I did deal with it differently than I'm sure she would have.

 

When does it become right to judge anybody? How is you judging them going to help anybody?

 

Right.

 

We've had times, with our son, when we've let behaviors slide that I'm sure other parents would have disciplined for because we were working on other, more serious behavioral issues. Because working on too many things at once is overwhelming, we decided to let some less-serious stuff go. Somebody watching us might have judged us for letting inappropriate behavior go, but they had no idea of what our situation was or why we were making the choices we were making.

 

I can't decide if my DS7 is God's gift to me or God's joke on me. Probably both. :) I was THE MOST obnoxious, judgmental person toward parents before I had kids (I was also, I must add, a fabulous parent back then;)). If parents had just given me their misbehaving kids, I could have turned the whole situation around in hours, I was sure. Then I had my DS, and I've spent the last seven years learning humility.

[missmoe]

In the other thread, I do not remember that it was suggested to omit speaking with the boy's parents. It was, instead, suggested that speaking with them might not be productive, and to be prepared for that.

 

It already has been noted that the entire spectrum of human behaviour and viewpoints is represented on this message board. It also is true that, in general, people express viewpoints derived from their real life experiences. If one has had direct interaction with some "out to lunch" parents, it is not being judgmental to acknowledge this.

 

Orthodox6 your comment that the parents may be teaching a twisted set of values is why I brought this up. That comment made me very uncomfortable. It seems many on these forums jump to that conclusion or a similar conclusion when these kinds of issues are brought up. That bothers me.

[k2bdeutmeyer]

Since this thread is, in essence, about me, I will stay out of it mostly, but I do want to say one thing. My concern is protecting not only MY child, but other children. If this was a more minor offense, I would certainly take a more laid back approach and let the parents deal with it (assuming I had a way to contact them). In this case, if they fail to do so, I'm putting every other girl in that school in danger as well.

 

As far as the details others are wondering about....I posted them later in the thread. The severity of the texts is covered there.

 

Carry on :)

[missmoe]

k2bdeutmeyerl

 

I used your post to bring the matter to the forefront, but I've been bothered by this for quite some time.

 

I even went into your thread with the feeling of dread that the other parents were going to be demonized.

 

So I didn't mean to make your situation harder than it already is.

[FO4UR]

On another thread about how to deal with s-texting I see the opinion expressed that talking to the parents involved may be fruitless, so skip that step in dealing with the problem.

 

I see this viewpoint expressed here over and over. It seems that many assume other parents aren't teaching values to their children.

 

This bothers me.

 

I feel this thought process is extremely judgemental. Since when does one assume bad behavior of a child means a parent doesn't care, is not teaching good values, or is negligent?

 

I think that most parents are trying very hard to teach values to their child. The values may not be mine; their methods may not be mine, but that isn't a reason to be dismissive of what they are doing.

 

 

I don't have time right now to read the whole thread (I'll come back later.), but I know my response in that other thread may have sparked this so I want to reply.

 

I think the defining line is not *depending* upon the other parent to take care of their end of things. I've seen it fail in a BIG way. That's why I said what I said. When the circumstance is dangerous, you simply can't assume.

 

Talk to the other parents if we are talking about certain things:iagree:...but if the circumstance involves *danger to my child* then (I think) merely talking to the parents is a bad idea. A parents' gut reaction is denial...no one wants to believe that their precious child could be capable of _____.

 

Again, ime talking to the parents can backfire big-time in big-time circumstances...and sexual abuse is BIG TIME in my book. If we were talking about piddly kid stuff, my opinion would be different.

[swellmomma]

Depends on the situation. If I witness a kid deliberately hurting another, or hucking a rock into someone's windshield, there really isn't another way of saying it, other than, "I just saw your kid do..."

 

I've found dealing with other parents to be ineffective, generally speaking. That being said, I still make the initial attempt.

 

However, you don't always know the other parents, or contact info, esp if its a kid at the park or where ever that doesn't have an adult with them.

 

That's true. For us being in a small town, everyone knows everyone kwim. When it comes to a kid deliberately hurting another, if the parent is not at the park supervising I tend to tell the kid what they are doing is wrong, I don't seek out a parent for that. If I caught them throwing a rock threw a windsheild I call the police not the parents. I was thinking more in terms of things like; ds comes home with a bloody lip and tells me so and so beat him up, or a bicycle being broken deliberately by another child(had happened twice now). In those case I go to the parent if not dealt with I go to the police. What tends to happen is once I bring it up as "I need the other side" the other kid admits to the wrong doing and the parent deals with it accordingly.

[Trish]

People want to hear even less about their bad parenting than their bad grammar. (eh, not sure if that's gramatically correct!)

[Laura Corin]

I

Most recently, I was at a children's museum in an exhibit with large foam bricks for kids to experiment with (ie. what stacking patterns make the strongest walls?). A preschool-aged child gleefully and systematically destroyed every other child's structure. It was a little dangerous too, as he usually knocked down the hapless and unsuspecting builder too. The mom was off in a corner chatting with another mom. After the third unwanted demolition of their structures, both my 5yo and 7yo were in tears. I approached the mom and very gently suggested that her child needed some supervision. She glared at me, grabbed her child, and stalked off. Her friend followed, loudly accusing me of being uptight and unreasonable.

 

 

I was screamed at by the mother of two boys who had monopolised the zip wire in a public playground for over half an hour.

 

Laura

[Amy in NH]

When I was 11yo I watched parents laugh at my mother when she confronted them about their daughter bullying me and punching me in the face (in the mouth, with braces). I had to continue to live in that neighborhood, and play outside where that girl and her friends were.

[EmilyK]

I didn't read the OP, but if we're talking 11 year olds, then though that age (I've gotten to almost 13) I have managed to be well-aquainted or friends with parents of kids my kids hang out with most. That has always seemed to be welcomed by those on the other side. I have had things brought up to me (pretty minor, but still embarrassing), and I was glad. Easier when you know the other people.

 

I would bring things up to other parents if I needed to. I think most who don't are just avoiding confrontation. That said, my husband and I have at times decided not to pursue things that hurt our kids' feelings for a variety of specific reasons.

 

I have also brought bullying issues that didn't involve my kid to a school's attention.

 

I can't speak to older teens yet, but through 14 at least if your kid has a phone and computer access (mine has both for school reasons; luckily he isn't into his phone) you need to know all passwords, check your kid's phone, emails and facebook accounts, etc.

 

This is not about the OP since I didn't read it -- just wanted to agree with this thread's OP that we shouldn't assume all parents are bad.

 

I feel for those with the public confrontations with strangers at the park or museum. I have had those issues too, with fellow dog owners when I had a dog and with other parents at the park. Maybe it is easier to go off on a stranger?

Edited September 22, 2011 by EmilyK

[Denisemomof4]

Many times it has been a waste of time for me to talk to another parent about an issue with their child. I walk away feeling badly for their child, thinking they don't care enough to help them to be/do better. Still, I would address every parent necessary because there are those few times I've been surprised and had a parent immediately react to the wrongdoing their child did.

[LucyStoner]

People want to hear even less about their bad parenting than their bad grammar. (eh, not sure if that's gramatically correct!)

 

:iagree:

 

Also, very young children like in that sexting who act out sexually have typically learned to do so. While I totally agree most parents are trying to do well by their kids and teach them good values, when a child is acting out sexually the statistically most likely place they learned it is in their home/family. I would approach the parents if I knew them but I would not expect it to go well necessarily.

[Night Elf]

I feel this thought process is extremely judgemental. Since when does one assume bad behavior of a child means a parent doesn't care, is not teaching good values, or is negligent?

 

I noticed the same theme, even with parents not on this board. I dislike the hypocritical nature of the accusation, when applicable. Mrs. Susie Q Flower would make such an automatic judgment, but go Mama Bear on someone who would dare to make the same accusation towards her. I see her telling someone to mind their own business and how dare they try to step into her family realm and make such accusations. But at the same time, I see her talking over the fence at a neighbor about the family down the street. I've personally known several women like that and have seen evidence of similar behaviors from parents online.

[lauranc]

Children have minds of their own. They are not little mirrors of their parents. The old saying, "It takes a village to raise a child." Is true IMO. If you see a child doing something, and that child isn't telling the parent then how do you expect the parent to know? Um, you tell them. It is one thing to say things to the parents like, "Your child is a perverted twit who needs to leave my child alone." and "Your child has been texting my daughter xyz, heres the proof. I think you should talk to him about it."

 

I think parents don't contact other parents because they are afraid of confrontation.

 

Also I think that if other parents were to report things more, we would see less adolscent violence, which for the record is out of control these days.

 

Best response... right here. I could not agree more with all that you have said.

 

We have to trust other parents. Letting them know this kind of thing would be difficult, and most people would probably like to avoid confrontation (I know I would!), but I feel it does no good to just let these kinds of things go.

[Chelli]

Many times it has been a waste of time for me to talk to another parent about an issue with their child. I walk away feeling badly for their child, thinking they don't care enough to help them to be/do better. Still, I would address every parent necessary because there are those few times I've been surprised and had a parent immediately react to the wrongdoing their child did.

 

:iagree:I would definitely contact the parents just because I think it is the right thing to do, but I would not be surprised if all I got was a good chewing out or a phone slammed in my ear. Hopefully I would be pleasantly surprised.

 

After teaching in the public schools, I have been astonished at what parents get upset about when you get on to their little darling. I even taught in the Bible belt where those Judeo-Christian values were in full force, but in my experience it had nothing to do with the values. Parents feel that when you reprimand their child, you are judging their parenting.

 

I don't know if I can explain what I mean, but I'll try. The attitude that I've encountered is not so much a difference in values, but how people view their children as individuals. If something is wrong with my child or my child did something wrong, then there must be something wrong with me as the parent, either my parenting techniques or me as a person. That is just not acceptable. Therefore whatever you say my darling did he either did not do it (you are lying, thus a bad person) or your child or you are at just as much fault as he is (you are a bad person too), or you have unreasonable expectations and need to be more tolerate (you are a bad person for being judgmental).

 

At some point people begin to view thier children as mini-me's, totally tied into my well-being, instead of letting them be their own person with their own problems and their own gifts. We see it all the time in our culture. Parents who ask a teacher to change a grade (They can't fail, then I will be a bad parent!). Parents who push their children to achieve at a specific sport or go to a specific school so that the parent can feel good about themselves via their child.

 

Ultimately I would say that the problem is not a differnce in values (I believe that most parents would say they want children who are honest, respectful, etc.), but parents who are so self-centered that EVERYTHING in their life is a reflection of them including their children. It is the result of a "me, me, me" society, not a "let's all work together, it takes a village" society.

 

While I don't think that I am better than most parents, if anything I think that I am probably one of the most flawed parents around, I do think that the attitude I described above is much more common than anyone thinks. Most of the time you won't see that attitude displayed (even by close friends) until you finally have to deal with an issue like the OP is, then all bets are off!

[bairnmama]

See, I have met hardly any parents that aren't actively trying to raise their children to the best of their ability. Their abilities may be lacking or different than mine, but who am I to say oh, they are letting tv or the public school system raise their children?

 

This is what is bothering me---the attitude of we (the hive or homeschoolers) are better parents than others.

 

 

If what you say above is true then you are truly blessed. I have met many parents that do absolutely nothing to actively train or raise their children. One let her 3 yr old run the entire neighborhood unsupervised... even after the police had brought her son home more than 3 times. He would walk right in to stranger's houses if their doors were unlocked. I watched another stand by in the yard without speaking a word while her 12 yr old gave her 7 yr old a beat down and the other 3 kids were actively destroying the property. Still another neighbor let her 4 yr old sit on the couch all.day.long most every day watching whatever show came on this one channel the TV was tuned to. They lived right next door and the TV could be seen and heard from my living room. Even my own BIL has never taught his sons the proper way to behave in any situation. He directly told me that his method of discipline was that anything goes until he has had enough... and that limit changes depending on how he feels from day to day or hour to hour. Even then, his interaction is limited to a "knock it off" or "get out of my sight". I could list several other first-hand experiences of people I was in almost daily contact with who just don't parent. I just feel so sad for those children.

[8circles]

:iagree:

 

Also, very young children like in that sexting who act out sexually have typically learned to do so. While I totally agree most parents are trying to do well by their kids and teach them good values, when a child is acting out sexually the statistically most likely place they learned it is in their home/family. I would approach the parents if I knew them but I would not expect it to go well necessarily.

:iagree:

 

I don't assume that parents are irresponsible. However, I think that there comes a point in "bad behavior" when you do have to question the parenting that kids have received. In the other s*xting thread, I think it is absolutely fair to assume that the boy learned that from someone & his parents have to some degree dropped the ball. I would absolutely be horrified if my 11 year-old boy would be aware of let alone capable of such language. That situation was beyond "normal kid behavior". Apparently many people have different opinions on that.

 

Bottom line, if a child has already gotten to the point of sending s*xually explicit texts & physical contact, especially when it isn't welcomed, then I don't have much hope in contacting the parents & getting the desired result. I would certainly start with the parents anyway, but I wouldn't have much hope.

[missmoe]

:

 

 

At some point people begin to view thier children as mini-me's, totally tied into my well-being, instead of letting them be their own person with their own problems and their own gifts. We see it all the time in our culture. Parents who ask a teacher to change a grade (They can't fail, then I will be a bad parent!). Parents who push their children to achieve at a specific sport or go to a specific school so that the parent can feel good about themselves via their child.

 

Ultimately I would say that the problem is not a differnce in values (I believe that most parents would say they want children who are honest, respectful, etc.), but parents who are so self-centered that EVERYTHING in their life is a reflection of them including their children. It is the result of a "me, me, me" society, not a "let's all work together, it takes a village" society.

 

 

 

Such a good point. I'd never thought of this issue in these terms.

[AmyTompkins]

I think we have a responsibility to the other parents to give them the information. What they do with it is their choice. Not giving them the option to address it because we remain silent for our own reasons seems like being part of the problem. I agree, many people would not take the information well, maybe I wouldn't take it well from another.. but I would be glad to have that knowledge from which I could make a decision.

[k2bdeutmeyer]

I have nothing against going to the parents in most situations. My issue lies in, at what point is the offense large enough that the risk of the parents doing nothing or being ineffective is too great??

 

ETA: Especially when there is no way to gauge the effectiveness of their parenting. For example, you ban/prevent all contact with your child.

Edited September 22, 2011 by k2bdeutmeyer

[FaithManor]

I think we have a responsibility to the other parents to give them the information. What they do with it is their choice. Not giving them the option to address it because we remain silent for our own reasons seems like being part of the problem. I agree, many people would not take the information well, maybe I wouldn't take it well from another.. but I would be glad to have that knowledge from which I could make a decision.

 

 

I do think we should pass on the knowledge. Given what I've witnessed lately of parental behavior in general, I think that this should always be done with another neutral third party present. We've had two teachers assaulted at parent teacher conferences in our school district and neither one even said anything particularly bad about the student. The parents just could not cope with even a small criticism.

 

As a result, let's say the neighbor boy did something and it was a safety issue. I'd redirect him or stop him if possible just to keep him safe. But, before I approached his mother, I would ask my neighbor across the street to go with me, or my pastor, or the high school math teacher down the street. Since I can't be certain how she will react, I would want another witness. I don't know her well enough to have any idea what she is like. Now the other neighbor boy...totally different story. His mom would be great as well as his grandparents across the street. They would want to know and they would be calm, cool, collective, and appreciative so long as my tone were appropriate and professional.

 

So, while I think it is dangerous and judgmental to adopt an assumption that all other parents are irresponsible, I do think it is prudent to understand that unless we know the other family well, we really can't predict how the news will be taken and a neutral third party, even getting the school involved if that is an option, is wise. It's a crazy, nutty world out there.

 

For what it's worth, in our area everyone is armed for Iwo Jima and every third male over 21 years of age is probably carrying a concealed weapon. It's an extraordinarily low gun crime area and yet heavily gun toting. So that alone makes me more cautious about approaching people I do not know about their child's behavior.

 

Faith

Edited September 22, 2011 by FaithManor
spelling

[FaithManor]

I have nothing against going to the parents in most situations. My issue lies in, at what point is the offense large enough that the risk of the parents doing nothing or being ineffective is too great??

 

 

And in your particular situation you are hampered by not having contact information and with privacy laws what they are, very unlikely to get the school to divulge that.

 

So, probably your only recourse is to talk to the principal whether the other parents would like it or not. You can't be certain they will take it seriously. But, it is a reasonable first step. You don't know the boy or his parents and have never been in a social context with them. It's not inappropriate to go through the school.

 

Faith

[Chelli]

I have nothing against going to the parents in most situations. My issue lies in, at what point is the offense large enough that the risk of the parents doing nothing or being ineffective is too great??

 

I would go tell the parents first (via phone). They need to know. If they seem reasonable and willing to listen, then I would leave it there.

 

If they lose it, start being beligerant, claim you or your dd are lying, then I would tell the school. If they (the parents) say that they will handle it, but your dd tells you that 1) she is still receiving texts 2) he is bothering her at school , then I would tell the school.

 

The only way I would alert the police is if he begins to threaten your dd with physical violence.

 

As for what he said to her in the texts, he might have seen a p*rn or late night cable TV (soft p*rn). It is not uncommon now, nor was it 20 years ago for boys to first be exposed to p*rn between the ages of 9-12. My own dh was shown a p*rno by a friend's older brother at the age of 10. I mention this because I don't necessarily think his texts reflect any kind of s*xual abuse or lax parenting. Maybe just some naive parenting about today's world.