Do I go in the room for my 11yo son's physical?

[dirty ethel rackham]

I stay in, even with my 17yo. While I encourage him to do most of the talking, I do add or clarify things. (Heck, I would love to have another set of ears when I go to the doctor because I always miss something.) The doctor usually has me leave the room just for the "checking the man parts" exam or he takes ds into another room. It is usually pretty quick - nor more than a couple minutes.

[Sebastian (a lady)]

I think the responses so far show a degree of hovering which is abnormal for society at large but consistent with attitudes here on this board.

 

 

I wonder what sort of relationships will be formed by children raised in homes where people fear and loathe others to the degree often seen here.

 

I think you are projecting a lot of intent that may or may not be present with these answers.

 

I was in the last exam my sons had. We had all three boys in the room and they went one after the other. When it was time to have a more personal exam, the doc took that boy into the next exam room.

 

Fear and loathing is far less at issue than expediency. I had a limited amount of time to get the appointment done and three people to get through. My practice for the last several years has been not to answer the doc's questions until ds has a chance to give his answer.

[Sebastian (a lady)]

I want to point out that I have peds who I trust. It is extremely important to me to have that relationship and I made it a priority to find drs I both like and trust. They happen to attend our church and one taught my ds in RCIA. They know our family and we know theirs.

 

Unfortunately this isn't an option for all of us. I pretty much get pot luck with the military. Even though we may be enrolled in a particular family practice team, the doctors rotate frequently (as do we).

 

I don't think that I've seen the same provider twice for the last five years. Not just twice in a row, but seen the same provider again at all, even for another kid. (Though it helps that the kids are so healthy that annual exams for camp are the extent of our checkups.)

 

There is no relationship to build on for us, unfortunately. And this will likely be the pattern for the next 5-10 years too.

[dirty ethel rackham]

yes well that's a little different than insisting you accompany your 15 yr old into an office for fear he or she might be asked about homeschooling or sex or might answer wrong and get CPS called on your family. And I have seen quite a bit of complaining from mothers (all homeschoolers) who are horrified that their teen children are asked about sexual activity when they are nice little christian boys and girls who would NEVER...

 

perhaps its my inner cynic shining forth.

 

Gee, you seem to be one who is fixated on fear. Most of the responses I have read (I am reading threaded so maybe I am not reading them in order) seem to be very logical - more about getting appropriate medical care and TEACHING our children how to talk to medical personnel than about "hovering" and "not trusting."

 

That said, many people do not have the opportunity to develop close relationships with their doctors. We have been fortunate to have had the same doctor for 14 years. But, even with that longevity, we are but one out of perhaps 1000 families who go to that practice and my kids are pretty healthy so we are not there every year. Also, before that, we bounced around to different docs because they either closed their practices to new patients (and if you didn't come in often enough, you weren't considered a patient anymore) or they didn't take our insurance anymore or we felt that they weren't a good fit (must wean at 6 months old because the "milk isn't nutritious anymore" or blaming every child quirk on breastfeeding or homeschooling.) There are docs who give parenting advice (for which they may not be qualified) instead of medical advice. There are doctors who have an axe to grind against anyone who lives a different lifestyle. Parents may have a reason to mistrust them - taking the child aside and grilling them about why they are not in school and telling them how far behind they may be, etc. You think these things don't happen? They you haven't been around here very long.

 

In a perfect world, we would all have homeschooling friendly docs who recognize the limits of their training (medicine, not parenting) who treat all their patients with respect no matter what their age or gender. But, we don't live in fantasy land. We live in the real world with all its imperfections and we have to teach our children how to navigate in this real, imperfect world - and, in some cases, protect or run interference until they have the maturity to handle it on their own.

[Free]

I think the responses so far show a degree of hovering which is abnormal for society at large but consistent with attitudes here on this board.

 

I wonder what sort of relationships will be formed by children raised in homes where people fear and loathe others to the degree often seen here.

 

Oh my! My 10yo is still a child and feels no shame in appearing naked in front of me. Perhaps in some societies a parent being present during a child's medical exam is considered "hovering" and "abnormal", but where I come from, "society at large" would require this of parents.

 

I also don't understand why a parent being present at a child's physical exam would show fear or loathing of doctors? :confused: Completely puzzled here.

Edited September 20, 2011 by Free

[Home_s_Cool]

This is rather timely, I'm taking my 2 ds for their physical.

 

I do like to go in.

[Julie in CA]

I wonder what sort of relationships will be formed by children raised in homes where people fear and loathe others to the degree often seen here.

:smilielol5: This one's funny...you can't be serious...right? :001_huh:

[Julie in CA]

Well, this is one area where I would hover. We had a family doctor that we all loved for 16 years. He was a bit older, having served as a doctor overseas for years, and was very highly respected. Well, come to find out, he had been molesting young girls over many many years---very often when they would come in for their physicals (not in this office but a previous location) and the parents weren't in the room. The girls were told to "trust the doctor, do what he says, etc" and he took advantage of that with young girls.

Same thing in my hometown, but it was the boys that were preyed upon.

[Tmhearn]

I really hope that everyone on this thread read the news story about Dr. Earl Bradley in Delaware. He was recently convicted of sexual assaults against 86 children. He was a trusted community doctor.

[MBM]

I was speaking merely of an annual physical, not something serious and certainly not if the child (or parent, friend or neighbor) ASKS for your presence. My boys get sports physicals each year and my dh accompanies them for those. If you are a single mother, ask for the nurse to step into the room during the sensitive part of the exam. It is actually required by law in most states to have two people in the exam room.

 

Also clarifying that I am not suggesting sending an 11 year old into an exam on their own. Just that my sons (and many others) prefer that their dad be the ones who accompany them when they hit puberty. The doctor will begin to discuss puberty issues with your son, including wet dreams, and my boys are most comfortable with their dad when that occurs. Not saying they don't talk to me about puberty, just that they prefer dad. As my dd prefers discussing menstrual issues with me....someone who has actually had a period. LOL

 

Now that I'm back from my IKEA fix...

 

LOL. I just have to say, my ped has yet to discuss wet dreams with my 14 year old, but the doc has discussed foreskin issues. I was pleasantly surprised he didn't attempt to force it back like one of our former peds tried to do -- and at those times, I was glad I was there to stop him (my son was much younger then, too).

 

You are also a nurse, Diane, so you probably have a good idea when something is serious and when it's not. The rest of us find out what's going on at the visit. I get most of my questions answered then. With our ped, it's all a big, friendly chat fest.

[MBM]

what are you talking about? a physical (routine well child care) doesn't require any tests. If the parent has concerns it is obviously up to them to discuss them with the dr. If the dr has concerns I am certain he can remember them for the 5 mins it takes for the phys exam until mom comes back in.

 

My youngest, who is 14, had some blood tests and a urinalysis done at his last physical. Neither were expected or scheduled. The exam also took at least 20 minutes, but that's because everyone there discussed any concerns or issues.

 

ETA: I'm an afterschooler. Never homeschooled. I see the same concerns with parents at school.

 

[Caterpiller]

My mom always asked if we wanted her to go with us. I always said yes. My brother nearly always said yes as well. The only time I remember not being with my mom for some kind of medical thing was when I went and got my flu shot my senior year. But even that was done by a woman I knew all my life and played at her house with her kids on a weekly basis. :p

 

I am personally afraid of DOCTORS visits. Not people in general. My DH is always in the room with me when I go to the doctors because I just get so nervous.

 

So yeah, I will start asking my kids around age 13.

[Momling]

I let my kids decide whether or not they want me there. My 9 yr old has recently said 'no' to having me at dentist and doctor checkups, but I do go anyway if there is something unusual going on (like a first orthodontist appointment, or a sick-child visit). My 7 yr old doesn't have me go back at the dentist, but wants me with the pediatrician.

[jbemom]

At that age, my son would see the doctor by himself and I would chat with the doctor afterwards.

[Pippen]

Our pediatrician has moms come in with teen boys to collect any history or info, then step out for part of the exam. He's not asked me to step out with my daughter, nor would she be comfortable for that.

[Sahamamama]

I really hope that everyone on this thread read the news story about Dr. Earl Bradley in Delaware. He was recently convicted of sexual assaults against 86 children. He was a trusted community doctor.

 

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/08/26/earl-bradley-life-sentence_n_937962.html

[Denisemomof4]

I went in at the beginning all the time, but left when my boys started to want me to so that I wouldn't see their privates. I can't remember what age that started, but at 11, I wouldn't think a boy would want his mom in the room. If he's comfortable with that, that's fine, too. I think this is a child specific thing.

 

I always started off in the room, left for the genital exam, then returned to finish up.

[MBM]

In what post did I suggest that the parent shouldnt communicate at all with the dr about necessary testing or concerns, I wonder? Do you think had you not attended the whole time the outcome would have been significantly different?

 

If you are going into an exam room with your neurotypical son at age 17 for the length of the whole visit you have done a grave disservice to your child. 1. you allow him no privacy and 2. you need your apron strings forcibly shorn.

 

Yes, it's very possible the outcome could have been significantly different if the ped or my son had forgotten to discuss something. Also, why bother repeating something if it can be discussed during the initial exam? Some doctors might have a lot of time to repeat information, but mine doesn't. Mine also likes having parents present. We have a merry time discussing health issues.

 

I might also add that I have two children in their mid-20s, and both have managed to become independent adults despite my having gone into doctors' visits with them while they were teens. In fact, they are planning a trip to India and plan to wing it. Much like they did when they went to Peru. They seem to manage just fine. I really don't think a child is going to be stunted if a parent goes into a ped visit with him. LOL.

 

[DianeW88]

Now that I'm back from my IKEA fix...

 

LOL. I just have to say, my ped has yet to discuss wet dreams with my 14 year old, but the doc has discussed foreskin issues. I was pleasantly surprised he didn't attempt to force it back like one of our former peds tried to do -- and at those times, I was glad I was there to stop him (my son was much younger then, too).

 

You are also a nurse, Diane, so you probably have a good idea when something is serious and when it's not. The rest of us find out what's going on at the visit. I get most of my questions answered then. With our ped, it's all a big, friendly chat fest.

 

And that's exactly how it should be.

[Guest submarines]

I think the responses so far show a degree of hovering which is abnormal for society at large but consistent with attitudes here on this board.

 

 

I wonder what sort of relationships will be formed by children raised in homes where people fear and loathe others to the degree often seen here.

 

It is not about fear, but a child's level of comfort. I think it is normal that a 10-11 yo child is more comfortable being naked with his parent there, than without, even if the parent is of the opposite sex.

[MBM]

How would the ped and your son and you have managed to forget to discuss something simply bc you gave the kid a 5 min window of privacy?

 

In my other posts, I mentioned that I step out of the room during genital exams. That's usually around a minute. Although when ds was younger, I didn't. I'm glad I remained because a former ped tried to force ds's foreskin back and that could have resulted in a torn foreskin. So there's an example when being there mattered.

 

My ped goes on to other appointments when we're done. He no longer takes patients, so I think he likes to expedite visits as much as possible, too.

 

[GailV]

I think the reactions on this thread may be tame more due to my posts than anything.

 

Seriously? That much power?

[keptwoman]

Well then Id say you made the wrong hovery decision.:001_smile:

How's the view up there from your high horse?

 

I can't work out why any doctor needs to look at a child's genitals. I don't think my children's genitals have been checked since they were under 6 months, excepting for specific genital related concerns that we have gone to see the doctor about. But then my kids don't get annual checks either, I'm perplexed at the point. Surely it's a parents job to discuss periods, wet dreams and foreskin care? To me the doctor doing it is as inappropriate as the school doing it.

[curlylocks]

How's the view up there from your high horse?

 

I can't work out why any doctor needs to look at a child's genitals. I don't think my children's genitals have been checked since they were under 6 months, excepting for specific genital related concerns that we have gone to see the doctor about. But then my kids don't get annual checks either, I'm perplexed at the point. Surely it's a parents job to discuss periods, wet dreams and foreskin care? To me the doctor doing it is as inappropriate as the school doing it.

 

:iagree:

 

*All* 3 of my children request that I stay...

Edited September 20, 2011 by curlylocks
added a comment

[LidiyaDawn]

Calandalsmom - I'm kinda curious why you're so caught up by what other families do.. I mean really - why do you care? I don't care what YOU do with regards to your child's medical appointments. *shrug*

 

..also, have you noticed that many people have said that their child WANTS them to be there? I mentioned that in mine -- dd14 *wants* me there. Many others have said the same.

 

[i think the comment to a poster about needing her "apron strings forcibly shorn" was uncalled for and unnecessarily harsh, by the way. You don't know anything about her family and what they are or are not comfortable with..why would you SAY that to someone?]

[Virg]

My twins are 11 and I still go in with them to their appts. They haven't had their genitals checked since 2 yrs old or so however. That means I never even have to look away lol. Maybe she doesn't check since we have had the same ped since they were born (up until our move 6 months ago) so she knows everything dropped and is as it should be. I imagine if they did need to check I would just look away for a moment or step out of the room. Although whenever they have something wrong they bring it to me and have no issues showing me their parts LOL even when I would rather they go ask their dad now that they have one!

 

One twin goes, at the minimum 6 times a year, to his ped and several appts each to allergist, pulmonologist and immunologist. The other twin sees the dr at least twice a year for sinus infections or needing steroids. I always go in since they have complicated medical histories, are allergic to many meds and foods, and one takes over 15 meds. Their appts are usually mostly between the dr and I talking about which course we should try this time etc. My boys definitely aren't mature enough to take charge of their health. There is no way they could remember all of their hospitalizations and the outcomes of a bazillion different meds. Sometimes I have difficulty getting new doctors to take my opinion seriously, I don't know how an 11 year old would manage.

 

That being said I still like it when DH goes with me to my dr appts and my mom went with me until after I had the twins at 18 unless she was busy. I honestly don't mind though if people consider me a hoverer.

[JudoMom]

I don't have a son, so no advice about the OP's original question. :D Just a story from my own childhood. When I was about 12 or 13 years old, I had pneumonia, and my father was the parent in charge to take me to the crotchety pediatrician (we hardly ever went in those days, except for shots and serious illnesses). Anyway, my father thought nothing of going into the exam room with me. During the exam, the doctor wanted me to lift up my shirt, which I did, but only up to my bra line (I wasn't even wearing a bra, but I did have a trainer).

 

He noticed my resistance and said reprovingly, "Young lady, what are you trying to hide?"

 

I replied proudly and emphatically, "28-Double A!"

I thought my father and the doctor would lose bladder control. FWIW, I never went back to that pediatrician again.

 

:lol::lol:

[Amy1k]

I'm fairly sure our pediatrician wouldn't see my children without me. My son went in for a physical right after he turned 18 and that was the first without me. They never do anything that would require privacy and my kids aren't comfortable going without me. I had to practically shove my 18 year old in the door. ;) My daughter is 10 and she hasn't had anything other than a typical physical yet, I'm not sure how it will be once she needs other exams. Or do they get other exams? :laugh: I have no clue, all my teenagers are boys.

[Amy1k]

I just remembered that my 18 year old went to the doctor on his own recently (to the same ped he's seen since he was 6) and she asked him if he could get me to come to the office so I could be part of the discussion of his care. She waited for me to get there to go over what he needed. :laugh:

[Amy1k]

I should add that she was concerned about a possible neurological issue, not a rash or anything.

[ktgrok]

I think the responses so far show a degree of hovering which is abnormal for society at large but consistent with attitudes here on this board.

 

 

I wonder what sort of relationships will be formed by children raised in homes where people fear and loathe others to the degree often seen here.

 

Going to the doctor with a minor, who can't make their own medical decisions, is abnormal hovering???? I go, and not because I fear or loathe the pediatrician. I go in because I have information he may need, and because I need to know what is going on. And because my son would like some moral support when being poked and prodded.

 

I suppose going with my hubby when he had to have a medical procedure done was also abnormal hovering. Whatever. My mama called it moral support.

[ktgrok]

How's the view up there from your high horse?

 

I can't work out why any doctor needs to look at a child's genitals. I don't think my children's genitals have been checked since they were under 6 months, excepting for specific genital related concerns that we have gone to see the doctor about. But then my kids don't get annual checks either, I'm perplexed at the point. Surely it's a parents job to discuss periods, wet dreams and foreskin care? To me the doctor doing it is as inappropriate as the school doing it.

 

My son had a physical just recently at age 11, and did not have to undress. I believe the doctor, when feeling his abdomen, lifted up his shorts a bit to take a peek to see if puberty had started (looking for hair) but that was it. I know as a child/teen no one ever looked at my genitals at physicals!

[Sputterduck]

My son had a physical just recently at age 11, and did not have to undress. I believe the doctor, when feeling his abdomen, lifted up his shorts a bit to take a peek to see if puberty had started (looking for hair) but that was it. I know as a child/teen no one ever looked at my genitals at physicals!

 

Me, too, now that I think about it. As a minor I was asked whether I was having sex. No one ever looked at my genitals, though, until I was an adult and married.

[eternalknot]

My son isn't modest at all. He wouldn't care if I were there, or not, and he'd leave it up to me.

 

Me, I'd probably stay in. I like to hear information first-hand and read doctor's faces myself, etc.

 

I don't think there's a one-size-fits-all answer for this kind of scenario, nor should there be.

[iamrachelle]

Going to the doctor with a minor, who can't make their own medical decisions, is abnormal hovering???? I go, and not because I fear or loathe the pediatrician. I go in because I have information he may need, and because I need to know what is going on. And because my son would like some moral support when being poked and prodded.

 

I suppose going with my hubby when he had to have a medical procedure done was also abnormal hovering. Whatever. My mama called it moral support.

 

:iagree:

Edited September 22, 2011 by iamrachelle

[Cindy in the NH Woods]

My dh goes with my sons for physicals between the ages of 11-15. After that, they go on their own unless they request their dad's presence.

 

Great idea~ why didn't I even think of this possibility? Thanks!

[keptwoman]

:iagree:

 

And to respond to the previous poster about not understanding why a doctor would look at a child's private area: there are circumstances when a male child will not develop properly (the testes don't descend) or they are not showing signs of puberty when they should. These disorders can be treated if caught in time with surgery and/or medication so that the "child" will mature into an adult and be capable of having children. There is also "precocious puberty" where a child matures physically too soon... this is also treated with medication as it can cause a host of other problems.

 

A thorough physical exam for children every year is the standard of care.

I understand those things, but undescended testes are diagnosed early, and by the time a child is school age they would have been treated, yes? They may need rechecking at some point if this was the case, sure, but that's different to just having every child inspected.

And I also understand precocious puberty, because I have a child with it, and yes they had genital examinations, many. But they had them when I took them in to see the doctor about it. I think parents are capable of knowing when a child may be developing earlier or later than normal and can see the doctor should that be an issue without every kid having to drop their daks on an annual basis.

m

Edited September 20, 2011 by keptwoman

[iamrachelle]

I

Edited September 22, 2011 by iamrachelle

[keptwoman]

I'm sorry, I obviously wasnt clear. I meant I can't work out why a doctor would need to look at a child's genitals on an annual basis, as part of a standard physical where there was no expressed cause for concern by the child or the parent.

[angela in ohio]

I think that is very valuable. You don't teach a child by not being there. You teach a child by observing them and then you can help them work on areas that they need. It's important to teach a child to think of and ask important questions in a medical setting, to know what is appropriate during an exam, to advocate for their own rights as a patient, etc. How does a parent do that while being absent?

 

Yes, this was what I was saying, but you did it much better. :D I think so many of our parents parented with the "throw them in and they'll figure it out" mentality. Because I homeschool, I spend a lot of time thinking about how my children learn best, and that influences the way I impart life skills as well.

[tulip1969]

Our country doctor is an Eagle Scout and so when does my boy's BSA physicals - he asks for two deep leadership like at the troop - either 2 adults with one boy or both my boys with him.

 

The boys are comfortable either way - my boys are very modest as well.

 

I will step outside the door if asked to - but our doctor expects the parents to come in. This time he asked for a private min with my 15 year old, but he left the door open

[TranquilMind]

How's the view up there from your high horse?

 

I can't work out why any doctor needs to look at a child's genitals. I don't think my children's genitals have been checked since they were under 6 months, excepting for specific genital related concerns that we have gone to see the doctor about. But then my kids don't get annual checks either, I'm perplexed at the point. Surely it's a parents job to discuss periods, wet dreams and foreskin care? To me the doctor doing it is as inappropriate as the school doing it.

If your son plays contact sports, the doctor will want to check for hernia, a process in which he cups the scrotum and has the kid cough.

 

My son violently refused at first, stating that "This is NOT the airport!" and "I have RIGHTS!!!" which we found hilarious. He gave in, because he wanted to play sports. It took 15 seconds. All was well. The doctor wanted me to stay with both kids in order to discuss issues and actually show me things, but those sports exams are entirely non-invasive and fully dressed, except for the brief hernia check, for which I stepped outside.

 

But then I've known my doctor for 30 years, and he took care of my Mom, my family of origin and my family now.

[JeneralMom]

How's the view up there from your high horse?

 

I can't work out why any doctor needs to look at a child's genitals. I don't think my children's genitals have been checked since they were under 6 months, excepting for specific genital related concerns that we have gone to see the doctor about. But then my kids don't get annual checks either, I'm perplexed at the point. Surely it's a parents job to discuss periods, wet dreams and foreskin care? To me the doctor doing it is as inappropriate as the school doing it.

 

 

I was wondering the same thing. I don't remember ever having my genitals checked from the time I can remember until I voluntarily chose to go to an OB/GYN. I remember a creepy dr. when I was a teen who, when I went in to get my very sore throat checked, told me he was going to do a genital exam and I flat out refused and told him I would report him unless he kept his exam strictly at my throat. My boys have not had their testicles or penises examined since they were under 1 year old.

[Sputterduck]

If your son plays contact sports, the doctor will want to check for hernia, a process in which he cups the scrotum and has the kid cough.

 

My son violently refused at first, stating that "This is NOT the airport!" and "I have RIGHTS!!!" which we found hilarious. He gave in, because he wanted to play sports. It took 15 seconds. All was well. The doctor wanted me to stay with both kids in order to discuss issues and actually show me things, but those sports exams are entirely non-invasive and fully dressed, except for the brief hernia check, for which I stepped outside.

 

But then I've known my doctor for 30 years, and he took care of my Mom, my family of origin and my family now.

 

That is hilarious!

[DawnM]

Testicular hernias can be life threatening and need to be checked for. You know, the turn and cough test. They can come from the age of birth until death.

 

It should be part of any boy's medical exam.

 

Dawn

[MBM]

We're talking about why docs check private areas on the other thread, but testicular cancer, unretracted foreskins -- two other reasons besides hernias why a ped might check down there.

[keptwoman]

If your son plays contact sports, the doctor will want to check for hernia, a process in which he cups the scrotum and has the kid cough.

Er, no he won't. Both my boys have played and do play contact sports, and no doctor has ever asked to do that.

I sometimes wonder if the docs in the US have to justify their exhorbitant fees by doing unnecessary stuff. Who knows, all I know is that I'm often puzzled about this.

[keptwoman]

We're talking about why docs check private areas on the other thread, but testicular cancer, unretracted foreskins -- two other reasons besides hernias why a ped might check down there.

Again, unretracted foreskins seems to me the kind of thing that a kid or parent would bring up and would then be checked. Knowing how much boys play with their bits, I bet they'd notice a cancerous lump before a doctor would. I'm still unconvinced that this needs to be done routinely. Obviously doctors here are also unconvinced.

[ChocolateReignRemix]

Er, no he won't. Both my boys have played and do play contact sports, and no doctor has ever asked to do that.

I sometimes wonder if the docs in the US have to justify their exhorbitant fees by doing unnecessary stuff. Who knows, all I know is that I'm often puzzled about this.

 

It is required for most sports physicals in the U.S.**, and for good reason, as they are frequently detected during routine physicals.. Considering it takes all of 20 seconds, I doubt it significantly adds to the cost of the visit.

 

While we encourage modesty with our boys, they also understood that their genitals are simply another part of the body, and sometimes doctors do need to check them.

 

DH said based on what he has heard from friends, it is also required for sports physicals in the UK.